AN: I completely disregard canon as far as the class schedule is concerned. This is because unless there are Time Turner shenanigans the teachers simply can't teach the classes as described. I do it like Rowling and just wing it as I see fit.
Isekaied by an inept Fanfiction Writer into Harry Potter
A story by DaManWriter, the inept Fanfiction Writer.
Disclaimer: If I did own Harry Potter or any other franchise that might get mentioned in this work, I'd relax on a tropical island right now instead of writing a disclaimer. I just borrow the characters for a bit and return them unharmed. Seldom.
Chapter 14
"Head space, the final frontier
These are the voyages of the wizard Harry Potter
His fucked up mission
To kill dark lords
To get rid of Death Eaters
But this bullshit called a civilization
Makes him want to boldly kick Being Z
Where no man has kicked that shithead before."
If looks could kill the glare Harry gave the bearded head floating in the featureless white hell during his monotone monologue that somehow still managed to sound sinister, well, it would have been a clean head shot.
"I BROUGHT YOU HERE, BECAUSE YOU REFUSED YOUR DESTINY AND DID NOT FOLLOW THE SCRIPT. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN STILL FINE IF YOU IGNORED THE SCRIPT. BUT NO. NO, YOU RIPPED THE SCRIPT APART, RIPPED THE PIECES APART INTO EVEN SMALLER PIECES, AND THEN BURNED IT ALL TO ASH."
Chris grinned at the floating head.
"I love the smell of Napalm in the morning."
The head sighed.
"YES. THAT IS QUITE OBVIOUS."
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The floating author head explained to Chris that any semblance of the planned story was destroyed due to his prior actions. Sirius would not escape Azkaban because Chris prevented the article with Pettigrew. So, the Inept Fanfiction Writer could have left the plot completely to Chris for an entire year or simply skip that year. Instead the head bent it all into a pretzel, initiating some changes to make things more interesting. Well, what he thought of as interesting. He also explained what his snatched up soul was expected to do to save wizarding Britain. Getting called Being Z actually seemed to give him the idea of being more proactive. The nerve of that... man... god... fucking head!
Then the bearded balloon looked at Chris expectantly.
Chris looked bored. And angry.
"You just used a long fucking time and a shitload of words to tell me to look at the side worth saving. Well, let's look at all the fucking sides.
There is Voldemort and his merry band of Death Eaters. Insane megalomaniac psychopaths, raping, torturing and killing scum. Who want to kill me.
Then there is Dumbledore and his brain washed sect members, the Order of the Burning Chicken. He sent my godfather to Azkaban and let him rot there despite knowing the man is innocent. He abducted me and sent me to magic hating muggles who abused me for more than a decade. And again he knew about it all the time because he had his Order Eaters watching and keeping me prisoner there. He did the exact opposite of training me, setting me up to die.
Then there is the Ministry and Wizengamot riffraff who ridicule me, try to make me look insane or just plain try to kill me.
Then there is the public, mostly bigot inbred motherfuckers as thick as two short planks who one day adore me, the next day ridicule and sneer at me and generally don't give a flying fuck.
So, some bastards want to kill me, some want to use and kill me, the rest love to hate me. Murdering bigot assholes and idiot bigot cowards. Now where is that mythological side that deserves saving? Are they hiding under a fucking rock? Is there an insane hermit sheltering in a bear cave praying for divine retribution? Don't bother to answer, this is a rhetoric question.
"You also told me that you skipped a year and somehow folded parts of that into the next year and some bullshit. Of course it's all my fault."
Chris finally left enough time in his rant for the Inept Fanfiction Writer to get a single word in.
"YES."
"Your explanations are as dumb as your fucking story in general. No, let me continue. I don't give a flying shit about this insane asylum called wizarding Britain. It's full of sheep and full of shit. I have to save those inbred fuckers? Why? Let them burn! Wizarding Britain and Voldemort really deserve each other. It's a match made in heaven - or hell."
"YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"
"No, my godfather is. Now let me tell you something. You explained to me this will be an isekai but it actually never was, not really. Instead of letting me act like I wanted you tried to steer me to do what you want. No more, Being Z. If you continue to interfere like your namesake you force me to use the nuclear option. Going into that military base was a cakewalk thanks to magic. Taking those explosives was a no-brainer. For someone coming decades from the future of some sort of parallel world security was simply non existing.
I could have done basically anything. Like change flight plans and weapon payloads. Will wards stop an air strike with heavy weapons? Will I need to use the most powerful ones? Nuking the place where the Shart Lord hides could be fun, I guess. Say, did the muggles build SDI in this reality? I think those lasers they planned could vaporize people that seriously need the warm hug of thermal evaporation. The longer I think about it the better it sounds, you know."
It was impossible to tell in the all encompassing whiteness if the floating white head blanched. Considering the apparently very frustrated head sent Harry back only minutes later and told him he'll not see him again Chris didn't give a shit.
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Harry was returned to his place sitting at the Gryffindor table. Outwardly he appeared calm and composed, but internally he was seething and swearing.
"That goddamn shithead! Who does that self proclaimed god think that he is? The god of penny dreadfuls? The god of hollow words? The god of mental vacuum?"
He was so distracted he actually missed people starting to walk out of the Great Hall until Neville nudged him.
"Harry! Come on, it's time to go to the Tower!"
"I'm coming."
After a glare towards the Staff Table he stood and walked with Neville to the Gryffindor Tower.
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The Inept Fanfiction Writer thought about the situation. The recalcitrant soul could very well deliver on that threat. Someone who actually thought wizarding Britain deserved it's doom made a bad saviour. There was no attachment, no feeling of obligation.
The one good point was that soul had no idea whatsoever that he had manipulated several situations to make sure this Lovegood girl hooked up the boy-who-lived. He had hoped a relationship would create the desired commitment, but obviously not or not strong enough. He had to enforce such a bond. And he had to do it carefully. No big and obvious changes, rather some small ones that accumulate to the desired result. Well, he had already tied that reality into a knot, he was sure that will open some possibilities.
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Harry drew the curtains closed and cast a silencing charm. Lying down on his bed he planned.
I missed a complete fucking year. That means I need information. Let's see...
"Dobby!"
With a soft pop his trusty elf appeared.
"What can Dobby do for the Great Master Harry Potter sir?"
"For some reason I can't talk about I have absolutely no memories from last year's start of Hogwarts up to today. To remedy that I need information about what was going on all that time. I want every article the Prophet had about Dumbledore, Malfoy, Sirius Black, Voldemort, me and any Death Eater activity in the last year. I want to know everything the research elves found concerning spells and rituals. I want all my important correspondence, everything from my solicitors and Gringotts. I want all this as fast as possible, use as many of my elves as you see fit."
"Dobby can do that."
The little guy saluted and popped away.
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That taken care of Harry thought about what to do and how to do it.
I am now a year older and magically a bit stronger, that is good. I missed a complete year of my education, that is bad. I am not at the level I need to be if I want to survive this shit show, that is very bad.
I have to learn what Hogwarts teaches this year and everything taught last year. I also have to catch up with Arithmancy and Study of Ancient Runes as fast as possible. And not to forget, my extra training, studying and staying alive.
Shit! How the hell should I do all that? I'd need days with 48 fucking hours and even then...
Wait...
Suddenly a grin grew on Harry's face.
I'm going to fuck this shit up until not even the beardless goat fucker knows what is going on! I'll use those Time Turners I got in the Department of Mysteries. With four of those thing, 6 hours each, I can turn every day into two days. This is dangerous, though. I'll have to make sure not to meet myself or the universe might just decide to explode. Or implode. Whatever.
So... beginning right now I'll go back six hours and use that to sleep at Potter Manor. Then go back another six hours each to learn and train in the Potter Manor training room and library, the Chamber of Secrets and finally in the Room of Requirements.
Then his grin fell.
That still is not enough. My way too many activities take up way too much time, but I can't afford to reduce that. I also have to go after the Shart Lord and the goat fucker. Not to forget Sirius. Then there is the Horcrux hunting I have to do. I also want to just fuck around whenever I feel like it. I want to have fun instead of working all day every day. Damn, this bullshit show grows more and more into a fucking chore. I need to learn faster! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
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After going to Potter Manor, back six hours, sleeping and back another six hours Harry told Dobby what to do. Again. He already told him six hours ago, sure, but that was also six hours in the future. Fucking time travel gives you a headache!
One day of learning and training later the elves informed him about the happenings of the year he missed thanks to a floating over sized shithead with an even more over sized fucking ego.
Dumbledore's trial was months ago. He lost all his positions, but was still Headmaster on probation. That's because he was the main Organizer of the Triwizard Tournament, without Dumbledore Hogwarts couldn't host the fucking blood sport.
Malfoy was kicked from the Hogwarts Governor Board and had to pay a large fine. No further action because there was no clear evidence. What a joke! There was obviously blackmail and bribery involved. That fucking bastard was slippery like an eel and just as slimy.
The elves also found some interesting rituals to improve himself in various ways, but those either took too long to do or needed a stable adult magical core to work. Everything quick and dirty was dark, required sacrifices and / or had unwanted side effects.
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The next day began with DADA with Remus Lupin. Not in the usual classroom, but a hall maybe a fourth the size of the Great Hall. Finally Harry met the man who never tried to check on him for more than a decade. And let Sirius rot in Azkaban. Useless bastard.
Class was about the boggart. Nothing new. One student after the other met their greatest fear and defeated it with a riddikulus.
Ron got a huge spider and pissed himself, that was fun. Hermione had McGonagall tell her she failed her exams causing her to sob uncontrollably. Boring. Then came Neville...
Neville produced a sneering Snape, but then managed to switch the usual billowing robes of the greasy git with a... French Maid outfit? Kinky. Harry was amused until the mini skirt clad Snape bent over the desk with his feather duster showing the whole class his garters, thong and hairy ass. Now Harry felt like throwing up.
After the ridiculous Maid Snape was riddikulused the whole class was happy to see him gone and looking forward to the next performance.
What followed were several students who had no problem getting rid of their easy to defeat specimen. Next up was a trembling muggle born girl who reluctantly went towards the teacher. Her boggart hissed in it's rattling cupboard. The doors did not open, rather the cupboard exploded.
A monster that was way too large to fit into the late furniture jumped out, it's long ribbed tail swishing. The girl fainted and she was not alone. Hissing and snarling the black creature stalked around. It was kinda insect like with an oily sheen. The thing turned it's elongated eyeless head this way and that, slobber dripping from it's large jaws that contained way too many pointy fangs. Then it suddenly attacked, jumping at Remus who was the nearest standing target.
For a moment Harry was dumbfounded while many students started screaming.
A fucking Xenomorph Queen? Holy shit! That girl must have watched the second Alien movie!
AN: Ragepingu was confused about the timeline. Others might be scratching their heads as well so here's the answer to his review:
The protagonist was confused as well when that reality was bent into a pretzel. What do you expect from an Inept Fanfiction Writer? :D
Since the poor captured soul showed some righteous anger there will only be small nudges here and there from this point. It might be mentioned for the readers to show some manipulation is going on. The protagonist should not notice, the result would be a bad end.