Chapter 11: Dine and Dash

Elsewhere…

Pacha was carrying Kuzco as the adventurers followed in tow. The peasant asked, "So, you have no blood sugar?"

"Yeah, it's a curse." Kuzco said.

There was an audible rumbling.

"I…think we should stop and grab some grub." Sakuzy commented, rubbing his midsection.

"Yeah, only thing edible I've seen so far were those berries a few miles back. And they looked kinda poisonous." Joyex nodded.

"Well, hey, if we're lucky, maybe there's a restaurant nearby or something?" Yozora offered, strolling beside them.

"I agree. You never know." Becca said.

"Hey look! Maybe we could eat there!" Lucy said, pointing ahead. The group followed her point and saw a wooden building with a straw roof, a distinct aroma of food coming from a stone chimney. They all walked up to the front door and looked up, hanging above the door was a sign with an image of a llama…and a huge red slash through it.

"So much for that." Lucy groaned.

"Unless we get creative…" Joyex said.

"REAL creative." Kuzco nodded. He and Pacha looked at each other and smiled.

POHPOHPOHPOHPOHPOH

"Ugh, welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug…" an elderly waitress said, dryly, as she glanced at the group…and Kuzco who had his wool permed and was wearing lipstick along with Pacha's poncho, "Of meat. What'll it be?"

"I can't believe people are buying this." Becca whispered.

"I know, but just smile and act natural." Lucy whispered back, glancing over her menu.

"We'll have specials all around." Pacha said, "Isn't that right…lucky couple?"

He said this…while looking at Joyex and Becca.

"Oh, of course. Nothing but the best for my little man." Kuzco said in a high, feminine voice.

"Wait, what?" Joyex hissed.

"Our son's getting married. We're celebrating." Pacha said, pointing to Joyex and Becca.

"Oh…DAD. You shouldn't have." Joyex said, smiling but looking more like he had a toothache.

Becca turned a bright shade of red as she decided to play along, "Oh…seriously, you shouldn't have."

"Best man." Sakuzy said, pointing to himself.

"That's my big brother." Yozora added with a sniffle of pride, gesturing to Joyex.

"And I'm the bride to be's best friend. Where DOES the time go?" Lucy said as she placed her hand to her chest.

"Bless you for coming out in public…so specials all around?" The waitress asked as she took their menus.

"Sure!" Sakuzy said.

"Of course." Pacha nodded.

"And an onion log." Kuzco said, dropping his voice before quickly resuming his falsetto, "For us to split…"

He then added a giggle that made Sakuzy cringe a little. Meanwhile, Yozora's lips twitched as he fought the urge to explode into laughter. Becca, on the other hand, was fighting the urge to slap her forehead with every fiber of her being.

"Ordering! I need a batch of heartburns and a deep-fried door stop!" The waitress called to the chef who was busy working away in the kitchen.

The minute she was gone, everyone burst out laughing…except for Joyex. He had a look that suggested he planned to brutally murder everyone present.

"Y'know, when you said 'we're gonna pretend to be a family celebrating', this isn't what I had in mind." The Nobody said through grit teeth.

"Hey, I didn't agree to this, either." Becca said, blushing so hard that it was a wonder steam wasn't coming out of her ears.

"Did not think this would work!" Sakuzy laughed.

"When're ya gonna learn that all my ideas are GOOD ones?" Kuzco asked.

"It's funny, 'cuz I thought that wandering into the jungle alone, getting chased by jaguars, lying to me to get you back to the palace were all really BAD ideas." Pacha said.

"Sure, anything sounds bad with THAT attitude." Kuzco said.

"I gotta admit, I'm starting to like you, Your Highness!" Yozora laughed, shaking his head, "O-Oh, oh snap, aha- th- this is going WAY BETTER than yesterday by far! Ahaha- o- oh- ohohoho!"

Lucy gently rubbed Yozora's shoulder with an awkward smile, "It's okay, let it out!"

Joyex began grumbling to himself, folding his arms and looking sulky.

"C'mon, Joyex, we're just playing around." Sakuzy said as the waitress came back.

"Hot and crispy pill bugs, for the happy family." She said, placing huge curled up pill bugs in front of the group. Lucy's smile slowly went away as she looked down at what was in front of her.

"Uh…this is the special?" She asked, gently poking it with a bamboo rod that came with her meal.

"What can I say honey, take it or leave it. Mazel tov." The waitress said, tossing some rice in the air before walking off.

Becca poked at the bug, looking quite disgusted, "I think I just lost my appetite."

Yozora slowly picked up the straw and curiously tapped the shell. It uncurled itself with a loud 'PFFFFF', releasing a small, green cloud, which he sniffed once. Then twice. Curiously, he dipped his straw in and took a slow, tentative slurp.

Swallow.

Smack. Smack.

"It's…tangy. Quite robust…" he murmured.

Lucy watched as Yozora slurped up the green muck and felt her cheeks turn green themselves. She groaned and sank in her chair, "Maybe I should've gotten a soup and salad instead…"

"Oh boy!" Pacha said, eagerly, as he began sucking up the green muck inside.

"Uh…I'll see what else is on the menu." Sakuzy said, holding it up, "Maybe the appetizers are better."

"You do that. I wanna see what happens when mine wakes up." Joyex said.

Kuzco, meanwhile, looked disgusted and stood up to walk away.

"What?" Pacha asked.

"I'm just gonna go into the kitchen and have a few words with the chef." Kuzco said.

"You're gonna get us thrown out." Pacha said.

"Please, in this disguise, I'm invisible." Kuzco said, walking to the kitchen.

As Kuzco made his way to the kitchen, some guy sitting at the bar watched as the disguised llama headed into the back, more specifically glancing at his bouncing rear end.

"Heh!" The guy smirked, giving Pacha a thumbs up.

"Maybe one of us should go with him. Don't want him bad-mouthing the chef." Becca said

"It's not bad, to be fair. Could use a little more seasoning, but it'll do." Yozora said before taking a heavy slurp. After a second, he stood up with a sigh, "Okay, okay. I'll go in there, make sure our friend doesn't end up as the appetizer."

"Good luck." Sakuzy said. Yozora stood up and followed after Kuzco with a slight bounce in his step. Right after he was gone, the bell rang, people coming in and sitting right behind them.

"Oh, what a waste of time." Said the voice of an elderly woman, "That's the last time we take directions from your mutt!"

"This is the last time we team up with the local crazy cat lady," Emerald murmured under his breath, irritably.

"Always nice to have people loudly voicing their problems…" Joyex murmured, poking his pill bug with the bamboo as if expecting a reaction…and trying to ignore Pacha, who was devouring the shell.

"Hey, be nice! My babies are NOT mutts!" Amber snapped. Joyex's eyes suddenly widened as if hit with a sudden realization.

"I should've done away with Kuzco when I had the chance." Yzma murmured.

Pacha then choked on his pill bug and began coughing. Joyex slowly craned his neck, trying not to draw attention—an old woman who could be described as "scary beyond all reason", a big guy at the next booth with a guy in a green cloak and a girl in an orange one. He ducked and began to hurriedly think of something.

"Something up, Jo-" Sakuzy's question was cut short by Joyex quietly shushing him.

"You really gotta stop beating yourself up about that." Kronk said.

"Huh, so you're planning regicide? I'm guessing the whole llama thing was an accident." Amber said.

"Y'know, you could have just turned him into a flea, then stepped on him." Emerald offered with a shrug, "But remember, grandma, the llama's not our ONLY target. You're holding up your end of the bargain."

Yzma gripped her fork so tightly that it bent like it was made of rubber. She dropped it with a clatter and flatly remarking, "Don't remind me."

"You're strong for a twig, y'know that?" Emerald commented, almost impressed.

"Hold on, I'll get you another one." Kronk said turning to Pacha, who immediately tried hiding his face, "Hey, buddy you using that?"

Pacha quickly held up his fork, looking just as freaked out as Joyex, who ducked down as well.

"Say don't I know you from somewhere?" Kronk said to Pacha

"Uh…" Pacha said, still concerned.

"Come on, you gotta help me out here!" Kronk said.

"No, I don't think we met. Excuse me." Pacha said, leaving.

"Kooz? Don't move. Becks and Luce, you too." Joyex said.

"Why?" Sakuzy asked.

"Just trust me on this! " Joyex said, hunching down and running after Pacha.

"Well, that's weird." Becca said, a little suspicious at this sudden change in demeanor.

"I don't think the food looks THAT weird…" Lucy said.

"Is there anything on the menu that is not swimming in gravy?!" Yzma asked, disgusted.

"Hold on, I'll go check." Kronk said, getting up.

"I mean, at your age, all that cholesterol will just shorten your already dwindling remaining years even more, to be fair." Emerald noted casually, reading the menu. Yzma just growled in response.

POHPOHPOHPOHPOHPOH

"Sorry, bud, you wouldn't happen to have any spices would you?" Yozora asked casually, in the kitchen, as he watched the chef at work…despite Kuzco's badgering, "Not to knock you, of course, just your food's a LITTLE under-seasoned and I think a bit of a spice up could really balance out the flavors, especially with the special."

"Look, I just wanted to know if there's anything edible…" Kuzco said as he was grabbed by Pacha and dragged away.

"YOZE!" Joyex hissed, snagging Yozora and pulling him out.

"On this menu." Kuzco said, making the chef growl in frustration.

"Whoa, hey, heyheyhey!" Yozora swiftly pulled Joyex's arm off of him, "Joy, relax, you're gonna blow our cover."

And, with that, he headed straight back into the kitchen.

"NO, YOU-" Joyex hissed.

"Relax, okay? Just breathe, breathe in, breathe out, take a seat, I'll be a minute tops," Yozora reassured Joyex, poking his head out, before he went back in. Pacha glanced out to see Kronk coming towards the door and promptly pushed Kuzco through the door and to the storage room.

"Hey, I didn't ask about dessert yet!" Kuzco said.

"Yozora, you…" Joyex then yelped as he jumped up and held himself over the door-frame by pinning himself in a corner above them as Kronk entered.

"Oh, hey stranger!" Yozora casually greeted, waving at Kronk.

"Oh, hello!" Kronk said as he went to the chef, "Hey, bud, wanna talk to you about—"

"Okay, buster, THAT'S IT. YOU WANT SPECIAL ORDERS? YOU MAKE 'EM! I QUIT!" the chef shouted, having clearly had enough of Kuzco's critiques. Before either Kronk or Yozora could object, he packed up every and stormed out, muttering about how no one respected creativity.

"Ordering!" The waitress said as she poked her head into the kitchen, not really noticing that her chef just walked. "Four combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day and a steak cut in the shape of a trout."

…

"You got all that, honey?" she asked.

Yozora blinked once. Then twice.

"3 oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, a basket of grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill, got it." Both Yozora and Kronk listed off in perfect unison.

The two look at each other.

Yozora's extended a clenched fist with a grin and a nod. Kronk grinned back and returned it.

Joyex slowly lowered himself as Kuzco passed by.

"I'm gonna keep it simple for you—I want a spinach omelet with wheat toast. Got it?" Kuzco asked, walking right by the two. Kronk not noticing in the slightest.

"This should do the trick!" Yozora called out, skillfully carving the shape of a trout into a fresh steak cut before slapping it onto the open grill, drizzling it with a light coat of oil to cause the flames to spike up.

"Yoze! We gotta get out of here NOW! We don't have time for you to play kitchen!" Joyex hissed.

"And leave this guy on his own with a lunch rush this fierce?" Yozora pointed out, raising a brow, "Nuh uh, I didn't even wanna be dragged into any of this! If I'm now caught in the middle of your interstellar road trip? I'm having SOME fun outta it before we get back to Traverse Town!"

"Yozora, you're gonna get us all—" Joyex growled before hearing something and jumping away.

"Kronk!" Yzma snapped, not realizing she just passed Kuzco, "What are you doing?!"

"Kind of busy here!" Kronk said, helping Yozora with the lunch rush. "Why am I not surprised?" the skinny woman asked while Kronk poured a ladle of thick soup into a bowl.

Yzma growled, "Fine, but while you're at it, get me the special! And hold the gravy!"

She turned to leave as Pacha came out of the storage room to try and get Kuzco, who walked out of the door, "Actually, on second thought, make my omelet a meat pie."

"Gotcha, meat pie" Kronk said.

"Meat pie, got it, boss." Yozora called out cheerfully. Pacha made to go after Kuzco just as Joyex reached for Yozora…

"Kronk!" Yzma called as she walked back through. Pacha halted and posed in front of the poster as Joyex caught himself just over the window, "Can I get the potatoes as a side-dish?"

"I'd have to charge ya full price!" Kronk said, chopping a carrot. Yzma growled as she stormed out.

"Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?" Kuzco asked.

"You got it! Want cheese on those potatoes?" Kronk said.

"Thank you, Kronk." Yzma said as she passed, "Cheddar will be fine."

"Cheddar spuds, it is" Kronk said.

"Spuds, yes. Cheese, no." Kuzco said.

"Hold the cheese." Kronk said, putting the ladle back.

"No, I want the cheese." Yzma said.

"Cheese in!" Kronk said, trying to pour the cheese in.

"Cheese me no likee." Kuzco said.

"Cheese out!" Kronk said, catching the cheese on his oven mitt.

"Cheese in!" Yzma said.

"Oh, come on make up your mind!" Kronk said, a bit fed up

"Okay, okay, on second thought?" Kuzco asked as he looked in.

"Make my potatoes a salad." He and Yzma, unwittingly, said in unison. Kuzco left, but Yzma cleaned her ear.

THAT was when Yozora paused. "Hey, you seem pretty chummy with that customer."

"Yeah. She's just my boss." Kronk said.

"She seems INTENSE," Yozora noted with a sheepish chuckle. Okay, NOW things were starting to feel off, "Also, scary beyond all reason."

"Yeah." Kronk nodded, "She's always kinda like that. 'Specially angry with our colorful tag alongs with the rock things."

Yozora froze up instantly, "R-r-rock, w-wha- t-two of them, did you just say?"

"Oh yeah." Kronk said, "Dunno what she's so ticked about, though. They're real interesting. Said they're looking for someone, too."

"O-oh, y-you don't say." Yozora laughed, eyes shrinking. He could suddenly feel a cold sweat breaking out, and his hands felt very, very, VERY clammy.

"Yeah." Kronk said, grabbing a bowl to mix.

"JUST A SEC, dude. Need the bathroom," Yozora said hastily, dinging the bell twice with a quick "Order up!" before he swiftly stepped out of the kitchen.

POHPOHPOHPOHPOHPOH

"What's taking Joyex so long?" Sakuzy asked.

"Yeah, should've been back by now, right?" Becca said.

Lucy shook her head and leaned into her hand, getting quite tired of waiting, "Do you think we should get our meals to go?"

Sakuzy decided to risk it. He lowered his menu. The girl in orange lifted it. Sakuzy lifted his just as she lowered hers. Sakuzy thought he caught a glimpse of green robes just as the old woman sat down at the table across from them.

"Odd crowd." Amber commented.

"Hope the food gets here." Kuzco murmured.

"Just be patient, your highness." Becca said.

POHPOHPOHPOHPOHPOH

Yozora had barely gotten to the door when something blocked him. It was Joyex, now blocking Yozora's route with a rather…unsettling grin on his face.

"Hey, Yozora…BUDDY. Whatcha doing?" he asked, voice strained by now.

"Dude, not now, we've gotta move!" Yozora hastily said, shaking his head, "Why didn't you WARN ME that the rock guys were back?"

"I TRIED-YOU…YOU…" Joyex stammered in pure rage before saying, calmly, "Excuse me."

He jumped out the window and ran a good distance away. Distantly, there was the faint sound of a scream filled with pure, unbridled rage, fury, irritation, and humiliation.

He then jumped back through, straightening his hair and looking more composed, "Okay, I'm good. Let's get the others and get out."

"Hold it! There's more—they're working with these two others," Yozora hastily added, "One of them's a big dope, nice guy though. Can keep up with a lunch rush like nothing! The other's…super old, super intense, scary beyond all reason, looks like a mummy. She's after our…llama."

"So, we need a distraction." Joyex said. He spotted the waitress and a smirk spread across his face, "Hey, excuse me?" he said, getting her attention. He pointed at Yzma and said, "See her? She's…"

He murmured the rest.

"Don't worry honey, we do that all the time." She said with a flick of her wrist.

Unbeknownst to Yzma, the staff of the diner were quietly sneaking up on her, ready to do the one thing that frightens people the most when they go out in public. Yzma had just glanced from her menu over to the talking llama, wait... could that be-?

1 2 3 4!

Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you!

We wish it was our birthday, so we could party too!

The staff appeared next to Yzma's table, armed with a birthday cake with a thousand candles on it and TONS of confetti!

"Oh, it's your birthday?" Kronk called, happily, as he came out with a bowl in hand.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SCARY LADY!" Amber called, throwing confetti…that she just had on her, apparently.

Emerald just sank back in his chair but noticed Joyex, out the corner of his eye, "Can't say I blame that guy for wanting to get out of here ASAP."

Yzma just looked...absolutely livid.

Joyex grabbed Sakuzy and Becca while Yozora darted out with Lucy and Pacha grabbed Kuzco. They left the diner in a panic.

"Joyex! What're you doing?!" Sakuzy half-shouted.

"Look, there's two people in there and..,from what Yozora says, they're BAD NEWS." Joyex said.

"And they were with this big guy and a skinny old lady." Pacha said.

"Wait, wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?" Kuzco asked.

"Oh yeah." Pacha nodded.

"That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!" Kuzco exclaimed, overcome by relief, "They'll take me back to the palace and-thanks for the help, but I got it from here!"

"No, no, you don't understand, they're TRYING TO KILL YOU." Pacha said.

"Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me!" Kuzco said, dismissively.

"Yeah, their world revolves around KILLING you," Yozora stressed, shaking his head. "And the rock guys, the two cloaks I mentioned? They're with them! They command these crystal monsters, Kuzco! Your life, EVERYONE'S LIVES, are in real danger!"

"What're you-?" Kuzco asked before his eyes narrowed and just went, "Oh, I get it…"

"What?" Sakuzy asked.

"None of you wanna take me back to the palace! You want me to be stranded out here! Forever!" Kuzco shouted.

"Oh, you have got to be-" Yozora groaned, before he finally, finally hit his breaking point, "RIGHT, this is where you ZIP IT! For once, SHUT UP, forget yourself, and LISTEN TO SOMEONE ELSE. This is bigger than you, Your Highness! Try ruling over an empire when there's no world left when all of it is swallowed in a dark void! When your star and everyone else's goes out because you can't see the world beyond what you own!"

"No, YOU listen!" Kuzco snapped, "All you care about is...that stupid hilltop and Keyhole!"

"What?" Sakuzy asked.

"GO ON, GET OUTTA HERE!" Kuzco shouted, walking off.

"Kuzco, wait!" Lucy called out as she tried to get the llama's attention! Kuzco didn't listen, just storming off.

"Let 'im go. It means our neck pain's cured." Joyex grunted.

Lucy glanced back at her traveling buddies, and quickly looked back at the llama who was still irritated as all get out. She groaned and frowned at the situation and quickly followed the llama.

"Kuzco, wait up! Look, I know how you feel but I think we should go back and talk this over with everyone!" She said, hoping to cheer him up.

"Hit the road, red. I got my one-way back to the palace!" Kuzco snapped as they got back to the entrance of the diner…just as the old woman stormed out with her big henchman and the two strangers in orange and green.

"This entire mess is all YOUR fault!" Yzma hissed at Kronk.

"What'd I do?" Kronk said, holding a piece of cake as Amber ate hers.

"Mmm, chocolate." She said.

"If you didn't mix up that poison, Kuzco would be DEAD now!" Yzma snapped. Kuzco, who had been eagerly smiling up until that point, looked…shocked, "There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and KILL HIM!"

With that, Kuzco ducked behind a rock. Lucy saw the villains and quickly ducked down with Kuzco, hoping they didn't see her, which thankfully they didn't.

"I said I was sorry! Can't just let it go, even on your birthday…" Kronk said, followed.

"Hey, don't forget lady, you still need to help us find our escapee. Otherwise Emmy and I'll get dusted."

"Yeah, our lives are in your hands…meaning we're sharded. SO sharded." Emerald murmured.

"Kuzco must be eliminated!" Yzma hissed as she went into her chair, "The empire would finally be rid of that useless slug!"

"Well, you got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?" Kronk said as he picked up the chair and took off running.

"Somebody's clearly unable to deal with being made redundant." Murmured Emerald as he followed them. Amber nodded in response.

Kuzco looked shocked as he wandered out from the hiding spot.

"P-Pacha!" Kuzco called, but found nothing, "Pacha!"

"Guys?" Lucy asked as she looked around, only to see that Pacha and the others were long gone.

Kuzco gave a defeated sigh as he slid Pacha's hat off. In the distance was the sound of approaching thunder.

"Oh great…" Lucy groaned as she looked off into the distance, seeing some dark clouds forming. All she could do was stand next to the defeated-looking llama, "Come on, let's go."

The two walked out into the jungle. No shelter, so the two were being soaked.