Trigger Warnings: Self-blame and the turmoil of a rape victim.

Sympathy Pains

"The revelation of kindness hurts worse than cruelty. There is no way to equal it." - Idaho, Emily Ruskovich

I bid the others farewell as they travelled with Mother Giselle to Haven. I had asked Thranduil to summon me when he reached the gates of Haven; and with the pace they planned to set, that gave me two extra days in the Hinterlands.

I strolled back and summoned the nearest elf, "Assemble all of the elves together, and once you do, get me."

He trembled, his eyes wide "Herald, why? Have we done something? Please, forgive us! Please, find it in your gracious heart to forgive our mistake!" He prostrated himself, quaking, nearly incoherent as he begged.

I startled before flinching back in horror. This was what my people had been reduced to, fearing and distrusting their own people, twitching at every perceived threat. And who could blame them? When had people in power ever helped them? What reason did they have to trust me?

I clasped my hands together to contain my anguish before getting on my knees, "Stop, there is no need for this," I forced him up, "I only wanted to place a few protections on our people. It's nothing, harmless."

His lips curled, distrusting, before he bowed his head quickly to hide his expression, "Yes, yes, as the Herald commands."

I stood to the side and watched the elf flee into the distance. I waited, and as the hour mark passed, I became suspicious. Suddenly, I glimpsed Corporal Vale heading towards me, "Herald."

I tilted my head forward in greeting, "Corporal."

"You've done an amazing job, Herald. These refugees are safe, have a roof over their heads, warm food in their bellies because of you." His voice shook with heartfelt gratitude, "I cannot thank you enough."

"There's still quite a bit to be done, Corporal."

He leaned forward, "True, but you need not do it alone. The people here are willing to help you in any way they can, Herald. Some of them might even join the Inquisition. How would you like to employ them?"

I eyed the refugees passing us; a twinkle of hope brightened their otherwise downtrodden features, "If any of them wish to volunteer for the Inquisition, then they are welcome. Any help they can provide is appreciated."

"Alright, Herald, I'll go and set things up. Again, I cannot thank you enough." He paused mid-turn whilst leaving, "Herald, Eric told me you're having the elves assembled."

"Eric?" I tilted my head in a mimicry of confusion and tried to calm the frantic thudding of my heart.

"The elf you asked to do it." I nodded warily, and he fidgeted, "I don't want to presume anything, Herald, but the elves here are an alright sort. If they've done something to upset you, you can tell me, and I'll handle it. There's no need to gather them together."

My lips pursed, "Corporal, I'm an elf."

"Yes, of course, but if they've done something that offends your Dalish values, perhaps you can tell me, and I'll inform them? City elves aren't quite the same as the Dalish, Herald," He flapped his hands back and forth, anxious, "I mean no offense, to anyone," his eyes darted side to side, "Just, they like to be left alone."

I stood there, stunned, my jaw slightly opened. A human soldier was protecting elves with no ulterior motives. From me.

Just what?

"Herald?" He asked tentatively, wringing his hands "Are you alright?"

I snapped out of my shock, eyes wide, "Yes, yes of course," I ran a shaking hand over my face, trying to compose myself, "It's nothing to worry about, Corporal, it's just a protection spell."

He crossed his arms, "You're only using a protection spell for the elves?"

I nodded uncomfortably, red hot shame crawling through me at his silent question: What about the others? I took a deep breath, "It's an elf thing."

His eyebrows rose, and his lips twisted "Right."

Indignation burned through me, "Elves are more susceptible to the Fade than others and with the Breach so close, I'm trying to pre-empt any mishaps."

His tense form relaxed, "Yes, of course Herald. I'll gather them as soon as I can."

I watched as he scurried away, that numbing shock returning; it seemed humanity still had hope.

But that didn't mean I would tell him the truth. I wasn't going to divulge that Chancellor Roderick had been right with his accusations of an elven rebellion.

Because of course there was.

For Thranduil and I, it started with Fenris. I hadn't lied about that. He had nowhere to run; Magister Danarius dogged his heels at every turn. We aided Fenris until he reached Kirkwall where he found refuge with Marian Hawke. But his plight awakened a burgeoning fury in us. We began freeing elven slaves, smuggling them from Tevinter to the Free Marches using the Deep Roads. Not many non-elves were aware of the movement, only Eldric and those he trusted, for they were the ones who employed the freed elves. While it wasn't honest work, at least they weren't enslaved.

But as the number of escaped slaves grew, so did the people who wanted to join the movement. The operation broke into in splintered cells: different people in different regions who communicated through enchanted items I manufactured. The head of the splinter cells were marked with specialized runes that could help them contact either Thranduil and I through Dreaming. They had their own hidden safehouses designed to protect them in case of emergencies.

Eventually we were smuggling weaponry to the different cells in preparation of war to win back the Dales. The rebellion gained momentum and with momentum came hope.

And hope was a very dangerous thing.

When the nobles of Halamshiral abused the elves of their alienage, as they always did, rather than endure the mistreatment, they rebelled. What followed was one of the worst elven slaughters of the century.

The rebellion came to a grounding halt.

I would never regret giving my people hope but seeing the ruthlessness and cruelty of the Orlesian Empire destroyed any hope I had left. I saw the future ahead and only envisioned endless destruction and despair. I considered warning the nobility of the future to win back support for the elves, but who would believe me?

The resistance dwindled further with the outbreak of the mage-templar war. All hope seemed lost, until Briala contacted Thranduil under the guise of an escort mission. Planning began anew, slowly, and we took more precautions, tentatively sharing resources with each other.

Moreover, Briala's influence had an interesting side-benefit: the mercenary group captured the attention of the Orlesian nobility. Mission requests poured in until even Leliana reached out to us, requesting Valo-kas' help in maintaining order across southern Thedas on behalf of the Chantry. After multiple successful missions, Thranduil was summoned before Divine Justinia for help with the Conclave.

The end of the world dawned and while I dreaded the possibility of death, in the back of my mind, the beginnings of a plan began to shape itself.

I had all this irrelevant knowledge about people I barely knew due to a game, but if I played my cards right, that knowledge could reclaim the Dales. While becoming Inquisitor had thrown a wrench in some of those plans, it also made many things easier.

My reminiscing was cut short as someone coughed, "Herald," Eric wringed his hands, "They are ready."

"Good."

I followed Eric to a house where twenty elves stood, vibrating with anxiety, "Herald!"

They fidgeted in discomfort before an older man stepped forward, his face half-starved and shrunken with age, "Andaran ati'shan. Can we help you?"

I drew a sound suppression rune on the wall so that no one could hear us, "I am here to give you protection spells." Because that had been true.

"Herald," He looked confused for a second but straightened, "Thank you, though there are a few who might refuse. They are not comfortable with magic."

"It's a simple spell to protect you from the effects of the Breach," I lifted my chin, "Our people are more susceptible to the Fade and I must take necessary precautions." I looked away from him and scrutinized the others, "You must have felt it when you stared at the Breach for a bit too long."

"It's not normal!" A boy cried out from the back, "Makes me feel really weird. Like I'm dying but not."

I observed the older man, "I want to take the necessary precautions before humans decide to interfere."

He sighed, "Very well."

I stood up, shoulders back, "Choose a part of your body not easily visible and come to me."

As they lined up, I etched three runes onto them, Amasomniar, the Fade protection spell, the silencing Durlahn, which ensured they couldn't speak of the rebellion and Athlan, a harmless rune that twinged when the caster willed it, and then proceeded to dropped blood on each rune.

Once I finished I straightened, "I am not here just for the protection spells. I am a part of the Splinter Rebellion."

There was unrest in the room though most looked confused, "Splinter Rebellion?"

"We are trying to reclaim the Dales," as voices started to protest, I cut over them, "Enough!"

Quiet descended, "The runes I have etched onto you will burn when the Dales is about to be reclaimed. You can either choose to go or remain behind with the humans. But the last rune ensures you cannot speak about our plans to anyone who doesn't already know about it. If you find you suddenly cannot speak about this, it is because someone is listening in on you." I stared at the group, finding mixed responses to the declaration, "That said, are there any among you who'd like to join or help the rebellion?"

Four elves stepped forward, "We do, Herald!"

Three of them were barely out of their teens and the fourth was a disfigured middle-aged man. I gestured him forward, "You must locate a safehouse for keeping our people, in case anything goes wrong. Your protection must extend to all of our people, regardless of their involvement in the rebellion."

I etched the Halani rune, the one meant to be a call for help, onto him, "Once you succeed, press this rune. If you need any help, write to either Thranduil Arwen or Ellana Lavellan and state your location and the words Revas at the end."

I dismissed them and hoped with every fibre of my being that reigniting the rebellion wasn't a mistake.

When the image of the gates of Haven appeared in my mind, I apparated with a huge bang. Thranduil stood to the side, waving at me in greeting.

The sounds of a commotion distracted me, and I found Templars and Mages quarrelling in front of the Chantry. As Thranduil and I moved to intervene, Commander Rutherford stepped in, bringing the chaos to order. I watched as Roderick egged the Commander on before a reproving word from him sent the Chancellor away.

I rubbed my head to dispel the growing headache. After complimenting the Commander on a job well done, I left him with Thranduil and entered the Chantry, only to find a noble squabbling with Josephine. She, too, dealt with the noble capably before turning to me.

"I said it before, I'll say it again, you are a gifted diplomat, Ambassador."

"Thank you, Herald," She smiled, "Word of your exploits have started to spread."

I pointed at the War Room, "We have a lot to discuss. Would you please call the others?"

"Yes. I shall summon them immediately."

I walked out of the War Room, feeling drained. After hearing of my ability to apparate, they had grilled me for a profile of all my abilities. I had hesitated, unsure about giving a bunch of bloodthirsty humans a manual on how to kill me, but the fear on their faces, the fear of unknown magic and of me, made me reconsider. I gave them a brief outline of my major skills, largely as a warrior mage, an enchanter and a spirit healer.

What they didn't understand, was that magic was more than just the art of killing. In my desire to learn as much about magic as possible, I'd navigated and tested realms of magic far beyond the Chantry's knowledge, and I'd barely scratched the surface of magic.

I spotted Thranduil waiting outside the Chantry doors, chatting amiably with Threnn. As I walked by him, from the corner of my eye I noticed him bidding farewell to the Quartermaster before he rushed to me. "How did it go?" Thranduil wrapped an arm around my shoulder as he caught up, "Did you discuss the issues in the Hinterlands?"

I quickened my pace towards the house that Valo-kas were sharing, "Yes, it's all sorted. Commander Rutherford is sending soldiers to build watchtowers, Leliana and Josephine's agents are headed to renegotiate terms with rogue mages and templars." As he ruffled my hair in approval, I shook it off, "I'm tired, I've barely gotten any sleep, don't disturb me."

My heart sunk at my curt words to him. I didn't trust him, but what was worse was that this suspicion made me distrust myself, because if I couldn't trust him, then who could I trust?

But if there was one thing Desire had taught me, it was that loving someone didn't mean you could trust them. I had known Thranduil for years, and his behaviour since the Conclave had been abnormal. With such an abrupt change, there could only be an external influence. While his claims of heartache rang true, he was not the sort of man who went around dumping his issues onto others. Thranduil not only survived the Blight and lead a mercenary group to international recognition, he also made the elven rebellion possible.

How could I believe that a broken heart affected him enough to behave as he did?

Even more alarming was that Ellana had broken up with him. Why would she have done such a thing unless she disapproved greatly of his decisions? The only one Thranduil behaved differently around was me. Ellana idolized me.

The conclusion was obvious.

But I didn't know what or who the external influence was. I didn't know if he was coerced or if it was intentional. I couldn't just go and ask him either because there was no way I would receive the truth.

And the best part was, being a Dreamer, I didn't need to ask.

I dug through the memories of Haven until one in particular a memory drifted across my vision.

Thranduil was carrying my unconscious body with Kaari, Ellana and Eldric keeping a close guard. He placed me down before turning to Kaari, "Get the other elven mage, the one that was hanging around Varric Tethras. Don't trust anyone else."

Kaari rushed out the door as Ellana kneeled next to my prone body, running a diagnostic scan, "The only thing I can detect is high concentrations of black lotus and dawn lotus. That's a potent knockout powder designed to keep victims under for days."

Eldric looked from one to another, "Do you need me to call in my own mages? We can't have her compromised, not with the Breach still opened."

"No, if it comes down to it, I'll do what's needed," Thranduil looked grim.

Ellana shook in anger, "What a bunch of hypocrites! The very people who persecute blood mages were using blood magic!"

"Yeah, but you saw what Erelani did. She spared a Desire demon and turned against all of us. The demon then ensnared all of us in an illusion." Eldric slumped, "It's not that farfetched to believe that she's been ensnared or a maleficarum. We know better, but you can't really blame them, can you?"

They exchanged long glances.

Eldric voiced the question on their minds, "What the fuck are we going to do?"

Thranduil gave a heavy sigh, "I'll think of something."

There was a quick knock before Kaari wrenched the door open, pushing Solas in, "Check her, quickly!"

Solas' gaze swept the room before it landed on my unconscious body, "What's the damage?"

Thranduil gave him a piercing look, "You treated her after the explosion, right? Check if there are any compulsions on her."

"Compulsions?"

There was a stilted silence, before Kaari spoke up, "How's he gonna treat her without knowing?" Her jaw stiffened, "We caught the kidnappers performing blood magic on her. We don't know what they did, and we don't know if they succeeded."

Solas' eyes widened in alarm before returning to his examination, "Apart from her…carrier, there are no external influences."

"Her carrier?" Eldric jerked, disturbed but Thranduil intervened, "He means the Mark on her hand, Eldric, calm down."

Solas looked surprised, but otherwise remained silent. Ellana moved to him, "Thank you, Solas. Please don't tell-,"

The door suddenly clicked open and Leliana walked in, "The parties responsible have been dealt with. What is the situation with Erelani?" She surveyed everyone in the room quickly before turning to Solas, "Solas?"

His shoulders stiffened, "I don't see any effects of blood magic. However, her vitals are fluctuating. Her condition should be monitored."

Leliana's cold gaze turned to Thranduil, "Blood magic?"

Thranduil gritted his teeth, "The Chantry fanatics were performing blood magic when we intercepted them."

"With this, there is absolutely no way we can trust her," Her gaze pierced Thranduil, "I have tried to be understanding. I tried to trust your judgement. But now, she is a risk to every person in Thedas."

Thranduil opened and closed his mouth, unable to reply. Ellana stepped forward instead, "Please! We detected no traces of blood magic in her system! Solas has just confirmed it! You saw the evidence at the Temple, she had nothing to do with the Conclave!"

"Yes, I was at the Temple. And we all saw her fall prey to the Desire demon. She could still be under its spell, just as we all were."

"But Hahren isn't like us! She's-!"

Leliana cut over her interruption, "And would you bet the entire well-being of Thedas upon it? Can you guarantee that there is no risk? That I should take this leap of faith after what happened in the Temple?"

The room was silent.

"The necessary precautions must be taken," Leliana stressed, "The life of one person does not outweigh the lives of many. Thranduil, we will be proceeding with the binding ritual as planned."

"No." He seemed to recognize the forcefulness behind his tone, "There is no need for a binding ritual. She listens to me. I have a way of securing her loyalty without the ritual."

Everyone in the room stiffened, waiting expectantly, "Just leave it to me."

Ellana's eyes rounded in realization and her face twisted in hurt and disgust.

Leliana evaluated his determined expression, "And if you don't succeed?"

Kaari stood next to Thranduil, "Then you still need to give her a chance. Trust in her. Whatever else she may be, she is kind. I promise, she is unlike anything you've ever seen."

Leliana was unmoved, "That isn't good enough."

"I can ask her to swear fealty to me. She won't refuse. You trust my judgement, don't you?" Thranduil's face hardened, "But she won't accept a binding ritual, not to anyone."

"Because she listened to you at the Temple," Her tone was cutting.

Thranduil pinched the bridge of his nose, "Please, wait until she has a chance to explain herself," He straightened, "No matter how this turns out, Valo-kas mercenaries will lend their aid to the Inquisition."

Leliana nodded slowly, "You have until the day she wakes up."

Leliana left, followed by Solas, who gave an apologetic nod to the others. Once the door shut, Ellana turned furiously to Thranduil, "Secure her loyalty?! Tell me it's not what I think!"

The others shifted uncomfortably but Thranduil only glared, "Compared to the alternative, what other choice do I have?"

"Do you think Hahren will even believe you? How can you even think of doing this?"

"So, you'd rather she be enslaved to a group of fanatical humans?!"

"It won't work!" Her face crumpled, "Hahren respects and admires you above all others! You don't need to do this! If you do it, we-we are done!"

"Ellana-"

"No, Thranduil!" She scanned his face before her face twisted in rage, "We. Are. Done."

Thranduil's face turned cold, "That was a given if I was going to ask her to be my bondmate."

Disgust marred Ellana's face, "She'll say no. And when she does, know that I will not take you back."

Ellana stormed out. Kaari and Eldric exchanged looks before grimacing. Kaari moved to my unconscious body while Eldric moved to Thranduil.

"Thranduil, I don't think it's a good idea. Not only will she say no, she'll lose her faith in you," Eldric paused, "She loves you because of who you are. Don't let Leliana and the others pressure you into doing something you'll regret later. I know you're having a hard time. We all are. But Erelani will listen to you. Rather, she only listens to you." He patted Thranduil on the back, "Don't abuse her trust, not now."

Thranduil rubbed his face, "I'll think about it."

Kaari spoke up, "What she needs you for, is the humans. She hates ém too much to understand them."

His face crumpled, "Why do I think I suggested what I did? Who can even blame her?"

Eldric shook his head, "The humans won't see it that way. You see how Maxwell reacts to her. How she reacts to him."

They all exchanged troubled glances.

"What are we going to do?" Kaari asked despairingly.

Thranduil grimaced, "We need to get Maxwell back on our side. We're not going to survive this without his help."

I shook the rest of the memory away, hating that I understood their situation. They weren't like me; they weren't armed with knowledge of the possible future. They tried to do damage control in the best way that they could.

Thranduil hadn't betrayed me. If I recalled it correctly, he hadn't even dared to proposition me, losing heart mid-way. Later, he had only tried to guide me, teach me what human society was like so that I could be a better leader. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know that I had been human. I had been furious, expecting things from humanity that they weren't capable of giving, not in this primitive backwards society.

Thranduil was right. Appealing to humans for sympathy was useless. They wouldn't understand. They didn't want to understand.

My abuse would be swept under the rug as another unfortunate incident. They didn't want to confront that by all reason, it was wrong. That such violence was abhorrent, unjustifiable and preventable.

But no one wanted to hear it.

I should never have talked about it with the others. I should never have fought with Maxwell. I shouldn't have burdened Thranduil.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

I drifted through the Fade, trying to access the memories of my life before to find something good. Something happy. But the memories were sealed, shut by the Anchor as it fed on it like a leech.

I made my way to my domain in the Fade and found Desire frolicking in the lake. The lake was the source of water I used when I didn't have any water sources nearby in the Waking. Using the lake utilized less mana then creating water, which was what most mages tried to do, and hence failed to create any significant body of water.

"That Dreamer didn't kill you."

"I made it work." Desire swept a hand full of water before spraying it at me, "Join me? You're already wet." Desire laughed wickedly.

I rolled my eyes at the double entendre. I gazed at it, wondering again why I trusted it, "I made an interesting discovery the other day."

"That you were an abomination?" Desire's eyes glinted with mirth, "I still replay that moment. It was so hilarious!"

"Hilarious," I repeated.

"You forget I knew you since you were a babe," Desire laughed uproariously, "Your delusions of godhood and to think, you were nothing more than an abomination!"

"You knew from the beginning."

"Of course, I did. That was the best part," Desire smirked, "I will give you this, though. You're not like any abomination I've ever seen."

"Why?" I held my aura tightly around me, desperate to hide my distrust from it, "What makes me different?"

Desire shrugged, "I don't know. Wouldn't tell you even if I did," Desire sneered, "It's more fun watching you flail around blindly."

"Right, I'm your daily dose of entertainment," I walked on top of the water, approaching Desire until I stood in front of it, "Don't blame me for your failures. I didn't have to save you."

Desire glared, "I didn't have to save you either."

I shrugged, "So, are we cool then?"

Desire stared hard at me before sighing, "Of course. You didn't have to ask."

"Okay." I stomped hard against the surface of the water, forcing large waves to crash against Desire. Desire spluttered, outraged.

I grinned, "What? I thought you wanted me to join you."

"Stupid brat!"

I laughed gaily, dodging the bullets of water Desire shot my way. We played around for awhile before collapsing against the bank.

"So, what's so great about this new Dreamer you're visiting? Planning on taking a body the old-fashioned way?" I prodded.

"Shame on you, Erelani. I don't ask about your exploits, do I?"

I rolled my eyes, "No, you spy on me instead."

Desire stayed silent. I placed my head on my hand, tilting sideways to look at it, "Isn't that what you're using the Dreamer for? Or are you spying on me for him?"

"You think too much, Erelani."

I yawned, "That's a yes. Don't know to which, though."

Desire scoffed.

"Could be both, I suppose. Why do you trust him though?"

It froze, and the reaction was telling. Desire supported Solas and his motives. Not surprising. This was actually predictable.

I still wanted to push my luck, "Will you at least spy on him for me in return?"

Desire rolled its eyes, "Why don't you just talk to him instead? Who knows, you might even find him tolerable."

"And that's a no. How mean. You say yes to others so easily," My tone turned serious, "What's he holding over your head?"

"Nothing." I hid the hurt this caused, "When I agree with someone's desires, I try not to stand in their way."

I stared, bewildered, "How did he win you over so easily?"

Desire grinned, "Like I said, talk to him. You might be surprised."

I scrutinized Desire's expression and aura closely. Wariness swept over me as I saw its confidence in him.

Talk to Fen'Harel. If the Dalish were here, they would tell me to blow my eardrums up so that I would never hear his poisonous words. And in a way, they would be right.

Still, the wolf had already sentenced me to death, what would one conversation do? I already knew him for what he was. What danger could there be?

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

Desire smirked.

I left Thranduil in charge at Haven under the guise of easily contacting him through the Fade, but his true responsibilities were to the elven rebellion. News arrived of soldiers being abducted by an Avvar tribe who wanted to challenge the Herald of Andraste to combat. Another mercenary band, called the Bull's Chargers, were keen to offer their services to the Inquisition.

Kaari, Blackwall, and the rest of Valo-kas departed for the Fallow Mire, while Ellana, Eldric and a few soldiers were assigned to escort the main team until Storm's Coast, where Cassandra, Solas, Varric and I would catch a ship to Val Royeaux.

The day before we were set to leave, I made my rounds around the village, making sure all issues were being seen to by someone. I restocked my supplies and retrieved my weapons and armour from Harritt who'd been adamant that my equipment was subpar and insisted on an upgrade.

It turned out that he'd made standard Inquisition equipment for the elite fighters and asked that I remind the others to pick their gear up. With all my tasks done, I took it as an excuse to talk to the so-called Inner Circle.

Cassandra was venting her grief and rage on the training field and didn't want to talk to me. Varric was friendly, giving a rundown of the information he'd received from his contacts. He was trying to get more merchants to come up to Haven but was failing due to the Breach.

Cullen was borderline polite, and I could tell I made him extremely uncomfortable. But despite my misgivings, even I could tell Cullen was efficient. He was experienced, more than even Thranduil, and understood his soldiers and the needs of the common people.

Josephine was amiable. She was eager to emphasis the importance of diplomatic solutions over warfare. She kept prodding for details about my past so that she could pull a good public relations stunt. She was polite and respectful of our differences, even if she was uncomprehending in the face of them.

Leliana made no pretenses like the other two. When I walked in, she lashed out at me, clearly still grieving the loss of the Divine.

Faced with her incensed grief, I could only sneer, "Your God isn't responsible for your actions. Stop blaming others when the problem is you."

Leliana froze, "What have I done? Are you saying the Breach is my fault?"

"Isn't it?" I clenched my hand, "What happened at the Conclave, couldn't have happened without the knowledge of the nobility. Meanwhile, the Orlesian rulers would rather squabble over a chair than do their actual job. The Chantry would rather paint their temples gold from the labour of imprisoned mages and than help people. They have even brainwashed and abused their protectors, the Templars, so that they would reign supreme. And that's only their actions towards the human race." I took a deep breath to continue my rant, "Why should any god show you compassion, when you show none to others?"

"Justinia wanted to fix all of that," She crossed her arms in front of her, "You're not the only one who sees all this, who wants to fix all of this," She sighed, "Still, message received. I'm not so petty that I don't understand the spirit of your message."

An awkward silence descended, and I nodded quickly before stepping out of the tent. I hurried away, berating myself for my angry tirade. It wasn't Leliana's fault that the Breach happened. Even though she was a part of the problem, she hadn't intentionally blown the Conclave up.

I was heading towards one of the perpetrators of the Breach, and all he cared about was regaining the grandeur of lost empires.

That too, was its own kind of evil.

Yet Desire's quick approval of him spiked my curiosity. What did it find so enamouring about Solas? He certainly didn't look like someone to be desired, not in his haggard, half-starved state.

I approached his cabin and knocked, nervousness spiking as I waited for Solas. The curtains at the window shifted a little before the latch was pulled open quickly.

"Herald. Can I help you?"

He was marginally clothed, only wearing a light tunic and leggings to combat the wintry cold. His attire highlighted his wasted frame, his bones jutting out of his skin.

"You need to cover up. You'll catch your death dressed like that."

He blinked, confused, before recovering, "There are heating runes inside," He glanced around before moving aside, "Would you like to come in?"

I nodded and felt the room warm considerably as I entered, almost instantly feeling the need to take my coat off. Solas waited patiently to the side, hinting strongly that I get to the point of my visit.

"Just a reminder from Harritt that you need to pick up your gear."

He nodded slowly, "Yes, of course."

A stilted silence fell, and I wondered how I would question him. Should I lie? Pretend?

I was abysmal at both. The truth would have to suffice.

"Actually, that's not the only reason I'm here," A grin formed at the brazenness of what I was going to do, "Are you spying on me? Using Desire?"

Solas froze, his face going slack in shock before he stood straight, holding his arms at his back defensively, "Is that what Desire told you? Despite your trust in the spirit, I advise strong caution while dealing with it."

My eyebrows rose, a disbelieving smile spreading upon my face. He saw it too, as he quickly continued, "I will admit, however, that I did ask the spirit about you," He nodded at the Mark, "I meant to satiate my curiosity. I wanted to know what kind of…person you were, especially since the power you wield is…dangerous…in the wrong hands," His jaw clenched, "But you should know, Desire needed very little prompting to divulge your secrets. Whatever regard you hold for the spirit, I doubt it is returned."

I scrutinized his expression, trying to see past his blankness but failing miserably. Had I really thought I'd crack him with so little? I shook my head, a smile forming at the thought, "Desire was right, you really are fun."

His tenseness grew, "Fun?" His face cycled through emotions too quickly to recognize before becoming impassive, "What, exactly, did Desire tell you?"

"Don't worry," I waved my hands dismissively, and tried to keep my voice light through my anxiety, "Desire said nothing. Refused to say anything beyond recommending I talk to you," I rolled my eyes, "That spirit is so fickle! I admit, I was curious how you managed to win its loyalty so quickly," I forced a grin, "Also a little envious. Stupid spirit stabs me at the back at every opportunity."

"You were envious of me for winning Desire's loyalty," Solas said slowly, "Even though it betrays you regularly?"

"It's complicated," At his incredulous look, I shrugged, "We keep each other entertained. The Fade gets boring sometimes. Plus, it's my longest friend."

He stared, gobsmacked, "I suggest you find better friends," He paused, "I can even introduce you to kinder spirits."

"Who'll spy on me for you? Don't think I've forgotten," He tensed further, "Relax, Solas, I'm only joking. I would've done the same thing, if our roles had been reversed. It's not even the first time Desire's done something like this. It's why I guessed it as easily as I did."

He relaxed, just a bit, "Even so, I apologize if I've offended you. I only had the best of intentions."

My smile turned sardonic, "Don't we all?"

Solas looked away for a moment, consternation filling his face before looking back, "Yes, I suppose that is true. For some of us."

An uncomfortable silence fell, and I regretted the cavalier approach I'd taken to this situation. I had thought being indifferent during my accusation would comfort him, but it only seemed to put him on edge.

I decided to change track and leaned against the wall, settling in, "So, moving onto more important matters, you don't look good."

His face twisted in bewildered disbelief, "Excuse me?"

I roved my eyes up and down his figure in a telling way, "You need to eat," I looked back to his face, "Are you being served regular meals?"

He blinked once. Then twice.

"Herald, while I appreciate your concern, I'm quite capable of caring for myself."

"Still," I paused, because his malnutrition was the dangerous kind, the one where the intake of food needed to be monitored to ensure they didn't reject it, "You need to be careful with what you eat. If you don't eat a balanced, monitored diet, you could fall sick."

"Yes, I am aware. I have sufficient healing experience, Herald."

"Alright," I rolled my eyes, "You don't have to call me 'Herald' you know, it's just us. Just a regular mercenary here."

"As off-putting as it may be, posturing is necessary," His voice took a lecturing tone, "Only if the people call you their Herald, will they believe that you are. And that will give you authority, especially over humans."

I grimaced.

"You seem to hold deep disdain for humans," Solas observed, "And it's stronger than the general hatred the Dalish cultivate."

"I'm surprised Desire didn't tell you," I mocked, unable to keep the edge from my tone, "Are you telling me it didn't completely violate my trust and privacy?"

He took a step back, cautious, "You do not have to tell me if you do not want to. Again, I apologize for any offense I have caused you."

If it had been just a day ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to tell him; while it wasn't common knowledge, I had never hesitated to talk about it, especially to non-humans. But after seeing the memory last night, a rock had settled in my throat, my skin crawling with shame and self-blame. It made no sense. Logically, I knew my experience wasn't my fault. I knew I wasn't in the wrong. But the sheer indifference this world had given my traumatic experience, slowly chipped away at something inside me. While my friends had never been indifferent, the implication that I would never be a good leader because of my experience, was the straw that broke the camel's back.

The worst part was, it had an element of truth to it. Just this morning, I had accused Leliana for the Breach and all of humanity's problems, as though it was her fault that humans did terrible things.

Who ever wanted a leader that hated them?

And why would Fen'Harel, who fought for centuries against slavery, who had ruined all of the Evanuris, who planned to walk the Dinan'shiral, ever find my pain significant?

These thoughts urged me to respond dismissively, "It's nothing special, the usual story. I was running from the Blight and sought refuge in a human city. They thought I was a young uncontrolled apostate, so I got thrown in jail. A kid barely out of knight training then had his fun. Without consent," Because that needed to be said. Bile rose in the back of my throat at how trivial I'd portrayed the most traumatic experience of my life, "Just your typical violence against elves."

The silence that descended was tense. Solas looked repulsed, "Did this truly affect you so little?"

My head jerked towards him, stunned.

His expression twisted into pity, "There is a difference between necessary and unnecessary violence," My heart thudded loudly, "Rape is never necessary. It is the product of a sick, deluded mind that only wants power over someone. Violence of that nature is never necessary. What happened to you was a tragedy. Do you understand?"

Something inside me shattered. I desperately clutched my heart with one hand as agony ripped through every part of my body. I lost control of everything, my aura, my body, and my mind, only bringing my remaining hand to cover my face as I broke down, desperate to keep my sobs quiet even if the shaking of my body betrayed me.

It was amazing-terrifying- how much kindness could hurt you. The words I had desperately wanted to hear, that it hadn't been my fault, that my experience wasn't a fact of life, that it was unnecessary. Those words had been everything, the only words, I had wanted to hear. I had known everything he said, but no one else had ever voiced the same opinion. Even those closest to me, while they pitied me, accepted that it was a common occurrence and just an unfortunate fact of life.

But Solas. Fen'Harel. A man who had no reason, in any way, to find my pain significant, told me, in the most condescending manner possible, that what happened to me was wrong, as if it was obvious.

A fresh wave of agony ripped through me, and I shattered again.

I blinked the last of my tears away, noticing that I'd lowered myself into a foetal position against his wall, cradling one hand against my eyes and the other still clenched at my heart. As my torment faded, mortification followed at its heels.

I took a moment to withdraw my aura completely, aware that Solas had probably experienced my pain with me. As I lifted my head, I noticed his hand extended towards me, holding a scrap of cloth. I took it, and slowly wiped my face clean.

As I reached out to return it, he spoke, his tone gentle, "Keep it."

I forced myself to look at him, "Thank you."

An awkward silence fell before I decided to bail. I strode to the exit, eager to leave the emotionally charged atmosphere. I paused at the door, unwilling to speak but hesitant to leave without acknowledging him. I glanced at him and caught his intent gaze. I nodded my farewell before exiting quickly.

He unravelled me with nothing more than a kind word. I didn't think I'd ever look at Fen-…Solas the same way again.

Translations:

Amasomniar= Protect sleep

Durlahn= Quiet

Athlan=Call

Halani=help

Revas=Freedom

Dinan'shiral= The path of death, the journey to the end

AN: This was so hard to write. So very hard. Getting into the mind of a victim and writing their turmoil is so difficult.

Putting Erelani through this makes me feel like such a douche.

On that note, however, I have a question. What are the three words that come to your mind when you think of Erelani? They can be good, bad, or in between.