AN: A few people were curious about my penname. The name comes from the obvious: I have a twin sister! We used to love Ghostbusters, so we just had a 'creative' moment with the penname. She and I used to post together, a long time ago, but now she's moved on to bigger game. She publishes non-fiction work and is in great demand. I'm so incredibly proud, it's hard to put into words.

In other news, I'm done with my degree! Does that mean more regular updates?

Of course it does!

Hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

Unsteady

The envious die not once, but as oft as the envied win applause. – Baltasar Gracian

I was ashamed to admit that for the next two days, rather than focusing on the looming disasters, I obsessed about Solas.

What did he think about my breakdown? Did he think me strange? Did he think about me at all? Was he eating well?

While I was in the Fallow Mire, far away from him and his journey to Val Royeaux, there was little to distract me from my fixation. Breaking down the undead veilfire enchantments posed almost no difficulty with such a large party. The Avvar warriors weren't any different. Solas had been wrong about the paralysis glyph as it ensured our victory yet again.

As I trudged back to camp with the rescued soldiers, Maxwell sidled up to me with a glare, "Why didn't you kill the Avvar? They provoked us and were hostile every step of the way."

"And yet, our soldiers are still alive."

"Nonsense! They killed five of our soldiers!"

"They were killed in combat, not while they were imprisoned. Their leader, the Hand of Korth, was executed. Furthermore, there were no other casualties. There was no reason to kill them, not when we won so absolutely," I noticed Maxwell's pinched expression, "We warned them about red lyrium. Their Skywatcher agreed to keep an eye out in the region and report any abnormalities," I kept my expression stoic, hiding my irritation, "I don't see what your problem is."

Maxwell flushed in anger, "They weren't happy to surrender! You didn't even ask for reparations! There was no deterrent, nothing to rein them in, or curb any future attacks! How do you know they won't do this again?!"

"Because they have no chance of winning and they know it. They also know that we didn't have to spare them," I clenched my fists, trying to contain my growing anger at his proximity, "What's really bothering you?"

Maxwell folded his arms, "What soldier would want to work for a leader who doesn't even protect them? One who doesn't recognize their sacrifices? The Avvar captured and killed your people and you let them go!"

"What exactly is it that you wanted me to do?" I couldn't stop my lips from curling from contempt; Maxwell dared to defy me when he would never have tolerated the same from me. He would have gone straight to Thranduil and tattled.

"You should have made an example of them!"

The real reason I spared them was because the fight had been too easy. They hadn't been a threat and the thought of killing them felt excessive, especially when they conceded to all my terms. Those terms hadn't been unreasonable; I only wanted a heads up if anything went sideways and if they caught sight of red lyrium, and if they were capable enough to deal with the threats that popped up, then that meant less work for me.

But none of this would stand with Maxwell, let alone the War Council, which meant I had to resort to grandiose moral posturing to defend my actions.

A pithy saying from another life came to mind, "If we kill everyone that stands in our way, then there will be nobody left."

My careless words seem to strike something within Maxwell and he skidded to a halt, an unreadable expression crossing his face.

Good riddance.

I avoided him the rest of the way back to camp. I sought out Kaari after debriefing the Inquisition officers and she beamed, her smile stretching ear to ear, "Shit Erelani! That was fuckin' amazing, you know tha' right?"

I felt an answering smile blossom, "Which part exactly?"

"We got the Avvar helpin' us! Damn, I thought you'd kill 'em, no one'd blame ya, ya know. You're being nice," Her arm stretched out and she squeezed me in a tight hug, "About damn time!"

I expelled a deep breath, "I wasn't trying to be nice-,"

"There was no point to it, I get it," Her smile dimmed as she cut me off, "Still, you're doin' a good job. Don' let anyone tell you otherwise," She gazed at Maxwell pointedly, "Some people don' understand that sometimes mercy ain't conditional."

My eyes crinkled in a real smile, "Live and let live, right?"

She nodded, her smile returning, "Ya should get to the Seeker and the others already. I'll make sure the region is steady before I return."

I hugged her again, "Summon me if you need anything."

As I jogged to a deserted clearing to spare the others the noise of Apparition, my palms turned clammy. My blood started racing, and I double-checked my gear to expel my sudden restlessness.

There's nothing to be nervous about! I effortlessly rescued our soldiers from the Avvar tribe, this should be easy in comparison right? The worst thing was, rather than the possible lynching awaiting me at Val Royeaux, it was Solas I was terrified of.

It was like I was an adolescent girl, desperate for approval, all over again.

No no, Solas was dependent on my protection, not the other way around. There's no reason for me to be nervous! So what if we shared some morals? So what if he was a god? So what if I broke down in front of him and humiliated myself?

It didn't matter! It didn't!

To distract myself, I struggled to decide who I should teleport to: Cassandra or Ellana? Cassandra would be ideal considering she was leading the party to Val Royeaux... but she would also be with Solas.

Ellana it was!

I took a deep breath of the cold night air to calm myself but couldn't ignore the thrill that raced through me at the prospect of seeing Solas again.

A loud gong sound reverberated through my ears as I Apparated, and a mischievous smile formed on my face at the thought of startling Ellana.

As the world focused around me, an image of two shadowed figures, barely an inch apart, came into view. With a loud yelp, Ellana jerked back, nearly tripping in her surprise. The other figure, hidden by a canopy, also retreated, quickly pulling out a magical staff.

A cold that had nothing to do with the pouring rain trickled down by back and my smile disappeared as my elven eyes adjusted to the darkness.

Tattered green jumper. Thin frame. Bald head.

And Ellana.

"Erelani, fuck! You can't keep doing shit like this! Give a girl some warning before appearing!" My eyes turned to her outraged expression, but for some bizarre reason, my vocal chords didn't work.

"Ah, my apologies, Herald," Solas' smooth voice cut through the silence, snapping me out of my shock, "There are bandits on the Coast. You startled us."

Right. Us. And he calls me Herald.

Reality could be a bitch.

"No, I apologize for…interrupting," I wasn't blind. I intruded on their private moment, "Point me towards camp, and I'll get out of your way."

Once Ellana gave me directions, I scurried away, trying to ignore the burning heat pulsing in my chest.

I'm an idiot. A complete idiot. What had I been expecting?

Always fucking Ellana.

Ellana. Ellana. Ellana!

It's like she fucking planned this! She conveniently broke up with Thranduil! Just in time to date Solas! As if they were meant to be!

The thought halted me in my tracks.

While every Inquisitor was capable of changing Solas' worldview, it wasn't any female elf Solas fell in love with; it was only Lavellan. It was only ever Lavellan. And seeing them together, it made sense.

And once again, I'm nothing more than a friend to someone who…I'm ugly, damaged and an abomination, why would anyone ever….

It was always going to be a terrible idea. This was good.

It was good.

My expectations were shattered before they even formed. Now, I'll never have to worry about his well being or wonder if he's flirting, because all those privileges belonged to someone else.

To Ellana.

And I get to be their well-wishing friend.

Fuck. My. Life.

When Cassandra debriefed me about the Blades of Hessarian and the Mercy's Crest, I bristled in agitation. Apparently, Cassandra sparing the lives of the bandit group was justified because they believed in the Maker, but me showing the same mercy to the Avvar tribe was unacceptable. The cognitive dissonance in Cassandra's lecture was maddening.

Yet as I trodded back from another battle too easily won, a restless itch rose within me. The Blades of Hessarian were only too happy to pledge their allegiance to me, and I couldn't help the instinctual distrust that rose within me.

Why was everything so easy? Even with the Oath, it was only too easy to win against dogs and one bandit. I even refrained from the paralysis spell, which only made things easier.

Even worse, both the soldiers and common folk had an ardent, almost crazy look in their eyes when they looked at me. With each passing hour, I was becoming less of a person in the eyes of the people. In an attempt to fend off their interest, I spent most of my time with Eldric, trying to track down Grey Warden trails Leliana's agents found. The Bull's Chargers had already been recruited and sent back to Haven, which left little for me to do except close rifts along the Coast.

Through it all, I ignored Solas and Ellana with a vengeance. No matter how petty, I wasn't ready to subject myself to this kind of torture again. While I didn't imagine myself in love with Solas, my tolerance for romantic displays was officially over. I wasn't a fool; I was aware that there was no one to blame for my predicament except me. Solas had never encouraged me. We'd barely interacted and the few times I did, I only left unfavourable impressions.

I was the one who read too much into a simple kindness.

If it hadn't been for Desire, I would have let things lie as they were.

That night, I was lounging with Eldric, tired after a long day of reconnaissance. One of the Inquisition guards was keeping watch, and with Solas and Ellana huddled together under the tarp, right in my line of vision, I wanted nothing more than to disappear.

So, I closed my eyes and fell deep into the embrace of the Fade.

Desire awaited me, disgust and contempt rolling out in waves as I appeared in my domain.

"Why are you so easy?!" Desire burst out, "All it took was a bit of sympathy? You've become infatuated with the Dreamer because he showed you a bit of sympathy?" A pulse of anger shot out, "It wasn't even true sympathy! It was condescension and pity!"

"Easy?" I parroted, an ugly feeling building in the pits of my stomach.

"I suppose I should be grateful to Ellana," Desire sneered, "With the Dreamer caught in her clutches, you won't have an opportunity to make a complete fool out of yourself."

"A fool," I repeated silently. Red hot fury fuelled by humiliation burned my veins and it took every bit of control to maintain a placid atmosphere, "And here I thought you liked him. Was I mistaken?"

"I like him just fine. But I'd rather you fall in love with Maxwell than him," Desire grimaced, "You embarrass me."

I stayed silent, wrestling with the hurt, anger and humiliation its words caused. As abhorrent as Desire's words were, it was looking out for me in the only way it knew. Right?

Falling in love with Solas was an incredibly foolish idea, and that I had started to tread that path, knowing what awaited me at the end, showed how much of a fool I really was.

"And now you know how I feel on a daily basis," My smile was sharp, unable to resist hurting Desire in return, " Having you around me is humiliating."

"Touche." Desire's smile was equally sharp, "Well, now that Thranduil's unattached, you can restart your pathetic attempts to get his attention. Enjoy Ellana's seconds, Erelani."

With that Desire disappeared, depriving me of a chance to retaliate.

I gritted my teeth in frustration, releasing my bottled emotions now that I was alone. The Fade shivered before shifting through images of Ellana and Solas together, and I lashed out, tearing through the projections.

Neither Solas nor Thranduil would ever look at me that way; they were both ensnared by Ellana and her charms.

Pretty sheltered Ellana who got anything she wanted with a smile.

She wouldn't get everything she wanted. Not anymore.

If I was going to die alone and unloved, by all that is holy, so was Ellana.

The next morning, I approached Ellana when she was alone.

"Hahren!" Her smile shined with happiness, crinkling her green eyes, "You've been so busy! Is there something I can help you with?"

My stomach tightened at the earnestness on her face and I looked away for a second before looking back, "I need to tell you something."

Her smile faded at my sombre expression, "What is it?"

"Ellana," a smooth voice called out, cutting into our conversation. I turned to find Solas holding out a scroll to Ellana, "A crow from the Nightingale came for you."

His clear blue eyes met mine for a moment, and it was like the world came to a complete stop.

There was a smile on his face that reached his eyes, softening ice blue eyes into a baby blue that looked so gentle that it stole my breath away.

And all that gentleness was for the woman in front of me.

In all my selfishness, I had forgotten something very important.

Solas was a person.

He chose Ellana and Ellana chose him.

I had no business standing here.

I watched silently as Ellana beamed at Solas as she took the scroll. Solas nodded politely at me before departing.

It was like his presence wiped my mind clean of my inner turmoil and I could only watch his back as he sauntered away.

"Hahren?" Ellana's voice pulled me back to her and I ignored her discomfited expression; I knew how transparent I was. Ellana had read me completely.

I still had no right to say anything.

Thranduil's accusation echoed in my head,

You want things you can't have, and you're willing to do anything to get it.

He was right; I only ever wanted for myself and rarely for others. I could barely bring myself to care that Thranduil was heartbroken, and I claimed to love him beyond all others. Now that I couldn't have Solas, I was willing to destroy Ellana's life to get some measure of satisfaction.

Why was I such a terrible person? Why couldn't I ever do something kind without ulterior motives?

"Hahren, are you alright?" Ellana shook me gently to snap me out of my thoughts.

I forced a smile on my face, "I'm happy you're smiling again, Ellana," While I couldn't speak for myself, I owed it to Thranduil to clear his name to Ellana. What she did with that information was her prerogative, "I have no right to interfere or say anything, I only wanted you to know," I paused at Ellana's cautious expression, "I found out why you and Thranduil ended things. And I wanted you to know, that Thranduil never…he didn't…" I hesitated, unable to finish the sentence, "He said he and I were family and that he would always support me."

Ellana's face closed off, "Oh."

I patted her shoulder awkwardly before leaving her to her thoughts.

If I was fated to die, then I had to at least try to make the people I love happy.

I had no right to act so selfishly. Desire had been right; I was nothing more than an easy desperate fool.

AN: I have a lot of the next chapter written, mostly because it was part of this chapter. The tone was very different though, so I decided to split them in two.

Val Royeaux is next! And boy it's going to be….divine!

Yes, it's a terrible pun, but allow me my few eccentricities ;).

Feedback is very appreciated!