Hi! Updates will be a bit slower since I'm focusing more on Who's Afraid, but I'm still chugging along with these two!

Thanks for the patience and interest; it really means a lot when readers aren't scared to dive into something different!

chapter five
messy

"Are you shitting me?" my friend Kate asks, looking equal parts shocked and wickedly intrigued as I tell her all about Edward.

We're at a wine bar, and the initial plan for tonight was to finalize the itinerary for our upcoming trip to Paris together. I didn't expect to tell her anything regarding Edward, but after what happened in my kitchen this morning, I had to spill.

I told her about my first conversation with him at the bar regarding his open marriage and how he wanted to sleep with me.

How we had phone sex, then he sought me out at the studio and shamelessly went down on me… and I shamelessly let him.

How six months passed, and then last night, the bartender at Revolver called me to pick up Edward because he was drunkenly asking for me.

And how, just hours ago, I went down on him in my kitchen.

Kate is the best person if I'm going to confide in anyone. She won't judge and will give it to me straight. Which is why I'm not surprised when she says, "This guy sounds fucked up."

"You think?" I ask, sipping my cabernet. "I mean, I'm playing a part here, too. Indulging him in all of this."

"Well, you need a little spice in your life," she adds. "But he might be a little damaged."

"Maybe," I mumble, feeling bad when I think about the somber, sadder vibe he gave off when he first mentioned the arrangement with his wife.

"Is he hot?" she asks.

"He's the most attractive man I've seen in real life," I deadpan because it's true but also somehow annoying. No one should be that good-looking.

"Then that's okay. If he's deranged and damaged, he has to be hot to compensate for it."

"Deranged?" I laugh. "Deranged is harsh. He's not that bad."

"You said he went to different yoga studios for two weeks looking for you."

"Okay, yeah, so that was a bit forward."

It was attractive, too.

Deranged, though?

No.

Damaged?

Maybe. Sadly.

But maybe I'm a bit deranged for soaking up his attention and even wanting more.

A group of people walk in, and since we're sitting at a table next to the door, we get assaulted by a gust of cold air. I pause our conversation so they don't overhear anything scandalous, then pick up where we left off when they sit down.

"Is it me? Do I attract weirdos?" I ask Kate seriously, pulling on my gray wool coat to stay warm the next time someone walks in or out.

She laughs, popping a nut from the charcuterie board into her mouth. "Poor, poor you having to put up with a hot, deranged weirdo who keeps stalking you to get you off. Wait, do you think he's a sex addict?"

I briefly entertain that idea, then shrug. "I doubt it. I mean, he wanted sex, but I was playing hard to get. Wouldn't he just give up and go find it elsewhere if that were the case?"

"True," she agrees before her eyes widen. "Oh my God, that means he's obsessed with you."

"Shut up." I throw a cashew at her, which she happily catches and eats.

"And you turned him down, which upped his interest. I'm in awe of you, girl. The last guy obsessed with me like that was a debt collector. He called day and night. Talk about desperate."

I laugh. "You are such a punk."

"Wait, so what does Edward look like?" she wonders.

I try to describe him.

Dark, disheveled hair.

Stubbled, square jaw.

Hungry, hazel eyes.

But I know I'm not doing him justice.

I think about Googling him, then decide I don't feel like putting in that effort.

Earlier, he said to call him when I decide how I feel about this. I still haven't decided, but I text anyway.

I don't start with hey or hi. Not even a how ya doing after that life-changing blowjob?

Instead, I ask for what I want.

Bella: Send me a picture of yourself.

He replies ten minutes later.

Edward: Of what part of me?

This fucking guy.

Bella: Your face.

Edward: I don't have a lot of photos of just myself.

I inwardly cringe. Most photos are likely of him with his family. It's enough to make me call this thing off and block his number again.

But then a photo comes through.

I instantly angle my phone away so no one walking by can see, just in case Edward actually sent a dick pic. He seems like the type to do that.

To my surprise, he didn't.

It's a photo of him.

He's lounging on a brown leather couch. The room is dim, and the space behind him is modern and spacious. His hair is a mess, and he's wearing a T-shirt different from the one he had on earlier this morning.

His expression is hard to decode. He's not smug. But he doesn't look happy, either. He's just… unemotional, maybe? Detached.

Edward: Does this work? I just took it.

I save it to my camera roll.

"He sent a selfie," I tell Kate.

"Show me." I hold out my phone. "Holy shit, Bella," she exclaims, taking it from me. "How did you turn him down?"

"I mean… I didn't." I snatch my phone back. "Did you not hear what I said about the studio and my kitchen this morning?"

"I'm talking sex."

"He's married."

"He was in an open marriage, and he's separated now, according to him. For the love of all that is holy, please sit on his perfect face."

I laugh a little too hard, glancing around to ensure no other patrons are listening. Thankfully, it's loud here, and everyone is engaged in their own lively conversations.

"You are so crude," I hiss.

"And you're rude for denying that sexy piece of a man!"

"Minutes ago, you said he was damaged and deranged!" I cry out, laughing in disbelief.

"But I said if he's hot, it cancels out."

"You're crazy," I insist.

"Not crazy enough to turn him down," she says with a pointed look, then excuses herself to use the bathroom.

Bella: My friend thinks you're hot. Do you want her number? Since you're allowed to bang whoever you want? Especially if you're separated now.

Edward: No. I want a picture of you.

I happily note that he denies my suggestion of hooking up with Kate, then scroll through my photos to find one that's sexy enough to send to him.

Edward: Hurry. Don't make me keep watching your videos on YouTube just to see you.

My cheeks burn because I'm flattered and a little mortified.

Bella: lol stopppp. You aren't.

He sends a photo of a large TV mounted on a brick wall, which shows one of my yoga videos on the screen.

He's a fucker because it's paused with me in a downward dog position.

Edward: This is all I've done for the last hour.

Bella: Did you at least practice yoga while you watched?

Edward: No, but I did work out my forearm and wrist.

Bella: What, this morning wasn't enough for you? lol

Edward: It was more than enough and more than I expected. You ruined me.

Bella: So you're lying about jerking off to me?

Edward: Lying is harsh, but yes, I was just teasing. I have been watching your videos. You have quite the following.

I set my phone down and cover my face with both hands.

"What?" Kate asks when she returns to the table.

"He's been watching my yoga videos on YouTube," I say, looking at her. "Now he wants a picture of me since I asked him for one."

"Give the man what he wants," she says thoughtfully, and I scroll through my photos and show her my options, but she turns down all my choices. "Just take a selfie like he did."

Fuck it.

I take my hair out of my bun, let the waves fall over my shoulders, and then add some tinted chapstick to my lips.

"Take off your coat," Kate says. "Your top is low-cut and cute."

"Nope. No skin," I say because even if I might be caving with him a little bit, I'm still mean.

I snap a photo, send it to him, and wait.

Edward: You don't even know how goddamn sexy you are, do you?

His compliment lights up my chest, and I "heart" his text.

Bella: Okay, charmer.

Edward: Are you out right now?

Bella: Yes.

Edward: Where?

Bella: I don't want to tell you. You might show up, lol.

Edward: Are you on a date?

Bella: Maybe. Jealous?

Edward: No, because you're texting me. You must not be having fun.

Bella: lol okay, I was teasing. I'm with my friend Kate.

Edward: Have you decided yet if this is over?

Bella: Would I be texting you right now if it were?

Edward: I don't know, would you?

Bella: I wouldn't have picked you up last night or let you in this morning if I wanted nothing to do with you.

Edward: I want to see you again. Come over whenever you and your friend are done hanging out.

I hesitate.

Bella: What about your kids? Are they there or with your wife?

Edward: Why do you think I have kids?

Bella: I saw the lock screen photo on your phone last night.

Our texts stall for a few minutes, and I worry I overstepped. But I won't put myself in a situation I don't feel comfortable in.

Kids complicate things. I want to be fully aware of what I'm getting myself into, even if this is casual.

Edward: Not trying to be a dick, but my kids are a touchy subject, okay? And I told you, my wife left. I'm not sure what else you want me to say about that.

Bella: Um, there's lots to say about that. When did she leave?

Edward: Yesterday.

Bella: That's why you got wasted last night?

Edward: Partially, yes.

"What's he saying? Why do you look so annoyed?" Kate asks.

"Because his wife left him yesterday. He's in no fucking position to start something with me, even casually."

"Just because she left yesterday doesn't mean it hasn't been over for them for a while. Let the man bang you. Nothing else needs to happen. No relationship, no feelings."

She makes it sound easy.

I don't even know why I'm overthinking this. Just months ago, I convinced myself I'd sleep with him if he still wanted to while he was married. Clearly, I knew no relationship between us or feelings could be involved then.

He still wants to sleep with me, and supposedly, now his wife is out of the picture.

This should make things cleaner.

But it feels murkier.

Or maybe it's just too soon.

"It was one thing when he was just in an open marriage," I reason. "Now his marriage is essentially over as of a day ago."

"So? Even better. He's basically single."

"He's a dad."

Kate scoffs. "Yeah? Parents need to get laid, too."

"It's messy, Kate."

"Let him mess up your vag," she jokes, and even though I laugh, she must catch my hesitancy. "Teasing aside, if you aren't feeling it, just block him."

"I am feeling it," I admit. "A little too much. That's the problem."

"Why is it a problem?"

"I can do no strings. But this already feels like… so tangled. I don't know. I know it sounds stupid. I don't even know him, and he shuts it down any chance I try to."

"Maybe you should stop overthinking and act on your feelings," she suggests.

"Maybe you're right," I lie, then type a reply to him, doing the exact opposite of what she said.

Bella: I'm worried this is too soon. Maybe we should wait another six months.

Edward: Is this another game of yours?

Bella: No, it's called self-preservation.

Edward: Can I FaceTime you?

Bella: Sure. Give me a sec.

I step outside the restaurant when he calls, despite Kate begging me to stay so she can eavesdrop.

"Why six months?" he immediately asks when his handsome face is on the screen. "Is that the magical number?"

"I don't know." I bounce in place from the cool night air. "It felt long enough but not too long."

"And is this for my sake or yours?" he wonders, genuinely curious and not taunting like usual.

"It's not for my sake. There's nothing for me to get over. This is all you."

"Okay. Well, I'm telling you, I don't need six months," he admits earnestly. I wonder if that's why he wanted to FaceTime, so I could see and hear how genuine he's being.

Maybe Kate is right, and his marriage has been over for longer than just a day. And maybe it's not up to me to tell him how to handle his shit. He's a grown-ass man, and he's been exceptionally clear with what he wants: me.

Given this morally gray situation, I have to decide what I'm willing to allow and what I'm okay with.

But that introspection will have to wait until another day because I ask, "How fast can you get to my place?"