Chapter 13 - Sometimes life offers a moment of peace.
December 21, 2005

Gareth's memory of the strange word Valentina said at her sentencing had garnered an immediate reaction. Remus holed himself up in the office with a pile of books and the computer, using every resource at his disposal to research spells. Professor Snape and Professor Price were still in the dining area, testing potion ingredients against his blood and checking their own pile of dusty tomes for potions that might sound like azmondi. Although the more he thought about it, the more Gareth was afraid that he hadn't remembered the word accurately.

He had kept himself busy with laundry that didn't really need to be done and papers that didn't really need to be sorted. He set out a sort of lunch buffet of anything he could find that people could help themselves to whenever, and ate his own lunch while he went over the third quarter reports. Maria hadn't sent him the fourth quarter projections that he usually analyzed over Christmas. And if he asked her for them, she'd probably refuse. So he went over the third quarter again, making notes to compare with fourth quarters earnings after the year ended and he finally got his hands on them. The holiday season was historically good for their jewelry sales, but he was hoping to see an uptick in electronics sales as well now that they'd pretty much perfected the insulating spells and charmed components. It was Sunday, so he didn't want to bother his assistant, but he wrote an email to be sent first thing in the morning making sure she'd been able to buy all the gifts he'd intended to give to the executive staff. He vaguely remembered discussing it with her a few weeks ago. At least, he hoped he'd really done that and not just thought about it and then forgotten it again in his haze of potion use.

He hadn't seen Deirdre for hours. She'd made herself scarce after their conversation on the beach. He wished that had gone differently, but at least he'd said everything he wanted to say. She'd been pretty clinical during his confessions, so he wasn't sure what she was thinking, but for a moment there this morning, when he'd been pulled out of the water and she'd shouted at him and then held him…Well, he'd hoped…that was all, just a hope he wasn't even ready to put words to.

The wind picked up as night fell and made a howling sound once in a while as it whipped around the house. There was a late season cold front moving in, bringing a storm with it. The sound reminded him of a far away wolf, and he felt his anxiety ratchet up. He began to pace in front of the windows of the living room. It was easier to stay awake when the sun was out and there were people around. But sleep was coming for him eventually. Taking a chance, he pulled out his phone and sank into an overstuffed armchair, dialing Isabel's number before he could talk himself out of it. He knew it was Daisy that he really needed to call, but his bubbly, blonde youngest sister felt like a safer place to start. The phone rang several times before it clicked and deep, male voice said, "Gareth! All right mate? Haven't heard from you in ages!"

George Weasley. Isabel's husband. Gareth felt himself relax slightly. The best part about George was his ability to just take everything in stride, a pretty necessary characteristic for a guy who'd married the wildest member of a werewolf family. George was what Deirdre called "a sound bloke," somehow managing to keep up with Isabel and steady her at the same time. "Hey George," Gareth answered. "I just wanted to check in, you know, this close to the holidays. I knew Izzy was in the states on tour and figured she was at least in the same time zone. Didn't expect you to be on tour with her. How are things?"

George blew out a breath. "It's been a year, mate, I can tell you that. But things are looking up. Business is going well thanks to you. Being able to expand into online sales because your company was able to insulate computer parts from magic is going to be a game changer. Hey, Izzy's just coming in, I'll hand her the phone. Good to chat, we'll see you in a couple days!"

In the background Gareth could hear an exasperated Isabel. It's supposed to be a surprise, George! He doesn't know! There was a deeper mumbled return, a shuffling, and then a laugh before Isabel's bright voice was in his ear. "G! What's up, o brother of mine? Have you been inundated with visitors yet? I heard Remus and Professor Snape were supposed to come help with some curse or potion or something. Are you okay? You better not have gotten involved with another untrustworthy Latin beauty or I might disown you. Just kidding. You're stuck with me, but seriously, what's up?"

When she paused to breathe, Gareth found the words stuck in his throat. "I just…I just wanted to…" He couldn't force the words out, and started pacing again.

Isabel's voice softened. "Hey, G, it's okay. I know it's been hard. I've had a rough patch too; we can commiserate. Listen, this was supposed to be a surprise, but we're all planning to get together for Christmas. It's not right, all of us being scattered. So be a good boy and do whatever Deirdre tells you. I suppose it's too much to think if you play your cards right she might just stay, but I live in hope. Who else have you called?"

"You were the first," he said, his voice scratchy.

"Aww. I'm going to pretend that's because I'm your favorite and not because you know I won't push you to answer all the awkward questions."

A laugh escaped him, her voice a balm for his soul. "I will neither confirm or deny that. I just…just needed to hear your voice. I know I haven't been around…"

There was a huff on the other end of the phone, then Isabel sighed. "Well, I haven't been around either. That's part of why this year was so tough. I've been touring so much, things got a little out of hand. I got a little out of hand," she clarified in a dry tone. "So apology accepted if you're apologizing for going off the rails, but I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed us."

Gareth smiled and stopped pacing, sinking into the armchair again. "I know you, Izzy. You would have been there the second I asked. But I never asked. That's not your fault."

"So how are things going? I did offer to come as soon as we knew what was happening. But let's be honest, I could only offer moral support and humor, so you're probably better off with Remus…and Dee of course. How's that working out?"

"Okay?" he said, making a face and drawing out the word. "The emotions are as exhausting as the sleeplessness. I've run the gamut of wanting her to leave, wanting her to stay, picking fights, apologizing, hiding stuff, telling the truth."

"Yeah, been there," Isabel said in a low voice.

"Are you and George okay?" Gareth asked hesitantly. She sounded beat down, and that was very un-Isabel.

"Getting there," she answered, her voice back to it's usual brightness. "Really, don't waste time worrying about us. We're solid, and I mean to keep it that way. I'm going to take a break after this tour, just do some studio recordings. But enough about me, let's get back to you and Dee. Are you still in love with her?"

Gareth snorted. Trust her to go right for the kill. He rubbed at his eyes. They felt raw and scratchy, and were probably red from exhaustion. "It's not that simple, Iz. I'm a verifiable disaster right now. There's a lot of water under that bridge, and the bridge feels like it's on the verge of being condemned."

"Too many metaphors," Isabel said impatiently. "It sounds like you're at least interested in the possibility, or you wouldn't be trying so hard to talk around it. How's she acting around you?"

"I didn't call for relationship advice," Gareth said warily. "You didn't speak to Deirdre for months after we broke up the first time. I don't want you getting too invested in something that is either on its last leg or in its infancy."

Isabel made a noncommittal sound. "Fine. But just know that what I didn't know the first time around is that she didn't think she was good enough for you. So you can't expect her to take the lead in this situation. If you think there's a chance, then you have to convince her. Like Cat did with Xavier."

Gareth chuckled, thinking about his other sister. Catherine was the antithesis of Isabel, quiet and serious. She was the oldest girl in the family, and worked as a nurse in the little village near the pack's farm in Yorkshire. She and her husband, Xavier, had been married for five years and had two little boys. Xavier had decided his turbulent history and age made him the wrong choice for Cat. But Catherine disagreed, and in her own quiet, stubborn way, had finally won him over. Maybe Isabel had a point there.

A rumble of thunder and the rush of rain indicated the storm had arrived. Gareth watched the lighting streak the black sky, and shivered. Did he even have the right to try to convince Deirdre of anything? What could he offer her, a mental and physical wreck of a man, with no clear end to his struggle in sight?

"Have you talked to Daisy?" Isabel asked, interrupting his thoughts. "I know sometimes it's frustrating, because she won't say anything even when she knows more about what's going on, but I think it's because she doesn't want to meddle. You know, she's waiting for us to ask or something. Anyway, Cat called and told me what Ellie told her that Lina told her. Nightmares and sleepwalking, huh? So that's why I asked if you'd talked to Daisy yet, seems like this is more up her alley."

"Not yet," he mumbled. "I just…" he blew out a long breath. "I wasn't sure they'd want to talk to me."

"She would," Isabel said slowly, "but I understand if you mean you don't want to talk to Josh." She sighed and then let out an unamused laugh. "I asked Xander once if adults always had regrets. I guess now I know. Nobody makes it through life without them."

Xander, Xavier's cheery ex-con older brother, was one of their pack members who had been killed in the war, and incidentally had been the one to plant the idea in Gareth's head that Deirdre was interested in him. "Well, I sure have plenty of regrets," he said wearily.

"Me too. So…it's getting late. Are you just trying to stay awake, or is there some plan to deal with this so you can sleep? What have they found out?"

Gareth ran a hand through his hair and leaned his head back. "They just arrived this morning, so no plans yet. Professor Snape and Professor Price have been conducting tests on my blood. Remus is researching curses. So yeah, for the moment I'm just trying to stay awake."

"Man, that's rough." The sympathy was thick in her voice, and Gareth's eyes stung. "Hey, I can just keep talking if that helps," Isabel added, now obviously trying to make her voice cheerful.

"I know you would." He managed a soft laugh, then noticed Remus hovering at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him. "But I have to go. Remus wants to discuss something."

"All right. But call me tomorrow, okay. And if I don't hear from you by lunchtime, I'll call you."

"Right. Sure thing."

"I love you, big brother. And don't you forget it."

His throat caught, and it took him a moment to be able to reply. "Love you too, Izzy. I will call tomorrow. I promise."

She said goodbye and they hung up, Gareth looked expectantly at Remus. "Did you need me?"

The older man smiled. "Yes, but I was also hoping for some dinner. How about we rout those potion-obsessed professors from their laboratory?"

While Remus coaxed the pair from the dining table, Gareth delved into the fridge and unearthed some steak and a variety of vegetables that he offered to cook. Deirdre finally made an appearance, and the five of them filled their plates and moved into the living room. With the wind and rain lashing the house, they made up a rather cosy picnic scattered over the couch and floor in front of the fireplace.

"Let us debrief," Professor Snape began in his cool, measured tones. "Your blood appears clear of all potions, and did not react to any of the ingredients we tested. You are obviously suffering from some sleep deprivation, but are otherwise in generally good health."

"So what does that mean, exactly?" Gareth asked cautiously. "I was already sober when the nightmares started, so I didn't really think the drugs were to blame…"

"This is where it gets a bit complicated," Professor Price interjected. "It is possible that the drug use caused some…changes to the make up of your brain matter. So even though the drugs are no longer in your system, the nightmares could be a residual effect."

And icy fist gripped his chest. "You're saying I might have brain damage, and that's causing this?!" he burst out incredulously. His fork fell with a clatter onto his plate. "I didn't even want to ever try any drugs," he said, hearing the bewilderment in his own voice. "She…Valentina slipped something into my drink one night. That's how it all started."

"What was it?" Professor Price asked in a gentle voice.

"It's called festapoção," he sighed, "an elixir that's imported from Brazil. That's what I got hooked on. It's almost instantly addictive. It just…I don't know, makes things feel…easy, even silly, like everything you were worried about is just not that big of a deal, like you could handle anything life threw at you."

"I've heard of it," she nodded. "And it's been around long enough for there to be studies on long-term effects. I'll make some calls and see what I can find."

"But how are you going to find out whether there's permanent…damage?" Gareth intended to sound matter of fact about it, but he could tell his voice was a little shaky.

"We will conduct a sleep study," Professor Snape announced, fixing him with a stare that dared him to argue. He was probably a very effective Headmaster, quelling contentious students with merely a glance. "That will allow us to monitor your brain activity and isolate which area of the brain is engaged during the dream state, and detect any abnormalities in structure or function."

His stomach twisted, and Gareth pushed his plate away from him. A sleep study. They were going to watch him either remain frozen in terror like a child or act out his attempts to fight someone who wasn't really there. Abnormalities. He couldn't decide in that moment if he was more afraid that they would find something or more afraid they wouldn't. There was a sudden clap of thunder that made everyone except Professor Snape startle, and the wind wailed mournfully. Gareth felt like shifting into his wolf form and wailing mournfully too, and then running as hard and fast away from all this as he could on four paws.

"How long does he have to be asleep? He never made it longer than about half an hour before he became agitated the other nights. Are you able to determine these things quickly and then wake him up, or is he going to have to suffer through a whole night of this?" Deirdre's voice was quiet, but severe. She'd braided her hair back at some point during the day, and her face was set like stone. Sitting there on the floor, the firelight making her hair and skin glow as she glared fiercely at Snape, gave Gareth the strangest sensation of watching some ancient Celtic warrior face down a Roman legionnaire. She was so fierce and protective he felt himself infinitesimally relax. At least she understood.

"Of course we hope it can be done quickly," Professor Price said, looking at him pityingly, "but we can't know precisely how things will go until we're in the thick of it."

As much as he wanted to fight against the idea, it was her expression that pushed him to agree. He didn't want to be seen as pitiful. Even when I completely screwed things up, I at least took responsibility for it. I didn't try to make myself out to be a victim. Sure Valentina launched this disaster that's currently my life, but I'll freely admit I've played a starring role…I…Ok, maybe Isabel was right about all the metaphors. He buried his face in his hands, summoning up the courage to agree. "Fine," he said sharply, lifting his head. "I don't want this to control my life anymore. And I trust you can keep yourselves safe and your wands out of my reach if I start lashing out?"

If it were possible, the air in the room grew colder as Professor Snape fixed him with an icy stare. "We will be giving you a potion that will keep your body still, but allow your mind to engage with your sleep cycles as it normally would. I trust you can recognize this is necessary to focus our efforts on analyzing your brain function rather than physically controlling you?" His voice was thick with sarcasm by the end of his statement, and Gareth clenched his fists, fury at Snape's condescending tone fighting with shame at not anticipating those conditions being necessary. And simmering underneath it all was terror at the thought of being trapped in his own body again, even if it turned out to be for the last time.