Chapter 18 - Sometimes life is a new beginning.
December 22, 2005
They were all pretty quiet after that, none of them really knowing what to say or particularly wanting to process anything out loud with the others. Deirdre made tea while Gareth and Remus repaired the damage to the living room. Professor Snape and Price then magicked up a trio of small bedrooms inside Gareth's office, and the three professors disappeared, opting to pass on tea and breakfast and catch up on sleep. The rain ended just before sunrise, so Gareth and Deirdre took their tea out to the beach. She carried the tray, laden with pot, cups, milk, and sugar, while he fetched the chairs and table that had been blown about in the storm. It was a chilly, dull morning so a warming charm over the chairs was in order, and they curled up as they had the day before, watching the rough, gray-green surf roll in.
Gareth sipped at the strong, malty tea, the warmth seeping through him. His brain was still whirring from the chaos of the night. The little chores of repairing walls and windows and furniture had kept him from being overwhelmed by the thoughts and emotions churning just under the surface. But now there was stillness and silence apart from the roar of the waves. He took a deep breath, waiting for the mountain of thoughts and feelings to descend on him with a crash. He had an uneasy feeling that accepting help from the man was going to come with a lot of strings he wasn't sure he was comfortable with.
"How are you feeling about everything?" Deirdre asked, turning in the chair towards him.
Gareth huffed a not-quite-a-laugh, glanced at Deirdre out of the corner of his eye, and then shifted in his seat so he could face her more fully. He should have expected that. And truth be told, he was grateful she was willing to tell him exactly what she thought and pull out of him what he didn't always want to face.
He thought for a moment, trying to find words and finally shrugged. "Odd. I'm still not entirely sure what happened or really how I'm supposed to feel about it."
"I can understand that," she nodded, tugging her hair out of its disheveled braid. "It's been going on for you for so long, and now to have things come to a head and be dealt with so quickly must have you a bit off kilter." She was trying to comb through the tangles with her fingers as she spoke. A sudden shaft of of sunlight broke through the clouds, the red-gold strands catching the light.
So beautiful, he thought, as he stretched out his legs and buried his bare feet in the cold, wet sand, allowing himself for the first time in years to imagine the possibility that she might give him another chance. And in that moment he felt…hope and a sense of freedom that he didn't remember experiencing since he first left the reservation. And in the next moment he felt afraid, afraid that he would do something to ruin whatever this new hope and freedom were.
"I think it's a good idea to go slow," she went on, scrunching up her nose at him like she knew exactly what he was thinking. "You've been sort of in survival mode for a long time. It's going to be an adjustment to settle into a healthy routine and not have to always make decisions in the midst of chaos."
He nodded, blowing out a breath. Slow. He'd never been good at slow. He was good at problem solving and decision making, jumping into the thick of things. I was probably hooked on adrenaline long before I was hooked on any potions, he realized, feeling his face tighten with a frown at the idea.
Beside him, Deirdre let out a soft chuckle. "That's your serious face. I'll leave you to think about that," she said, standing up and covering a yawn. "I'm going to find some breakfast. Then we probably should think about having a kip as well. Even though you were technically asleep a good part of the night I don't think it was very restful."
Sleep. Gareth rolled the idea around in his mind. He maybe felt more free, but the idea of so quickly going back to sleep made him a little anxious. It probably was going to take some time for that feeling to go away. "I guess I could try resting," he said slowly.
She moved a step closer to his chair and laid a hand on his arm. "I…I'll stay with you, if that feels safer," she said softly. "A nap in front of the fireplace, maybe?"
He smiled and covered her hand with his, the sense of hope rushing in again to push away the fear. "How about a werewolf slumber party?"
She laughed at that, a genuine, light and musical laugh. "I don't know if two counts as a slumber party, but why not?" She slipped her hand away and smiled, two lovely pink splotches appearing on her cheeks, before she turned to head back to the house.
He exhaled slowly, leaning back in his chair. He was going to have to be careful not to rush things with her, not scare her off again. Slow. That was the order of business now, maybe for all facets of his life. But within about thirty seconds he could tell how difficult that was going to be. His brain was already rushing ahead evaluating how to primarily work out of the London office, what loose ends would need to be wrapped up here when Maria let him back in the office, which staff might be willing to move with him, whether he should keep this house or sell it—
"Gareth, your phone is ringing!" Deirdre called back from the house.
He stood and stretched. "Accio phone," he muttered, swishing his wand toward the house. The cell phone whizzed through the air towards him, and he dropped his wand into the chair and cupped his hands like a catcher, wincing as the hard plastic hit his palm. He glanced at the phone and then froze. Joshua was calling him. His brother hadn't called in…he couldn't actually remember, but it had been at least two years, since before Daisy had lost the baby. "Hello?" he said cautiously.
There was only silence for a moment. "Hey, it's me," Joshua finally said.
Gareth took a breath, feeling more than thinking a wish that he would have all the words to say what he wanted to say, to apologize—
"Daisy wanted me to call and tell you everyone is going to up to the res for Christmas. Remus already knows. There's going to be a dinner tomorrow night, the twenty-third. Isabel and Cat are planning all the other stuff for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and Jane's handling the food." The words all came out in a rush, and then Joshua paused and there was a bit of murmuring behind him on the phone. "Daisy says to make sure Deirdre comes too. So, we'll see you there."
And then he hung up.
Gareth just stood there, still holding the phone to his head, the roar in his ears as loud as the ocean. And without thinking grabbed the phone and threw it as hard as he could. As it dropped into a wave he realized what he'd done and grabbed for his wand. "Accio phone," he shouted, as though the volume would help the intensity of the spell. The dripping device popped up out of the water and flew towards him. He caught it in one hand and dropped it onto his chair, aiming a drying spell at the thing.
Thankfully he'd rescued it fast enough that the electronics hadn't been damaged by the salt water. Dialing Isabel's number he sank back into the chair.
"Hey G!" chirped her bright voice after just one ring.
"Hey," he breathed.
"What's wrong?" she asked instantly. "You sounded better last night."
"Actually, I'm much better today," he said, trying to focus on the miraculous good that had happened and not on his mangled relationship with his brother. "I think the nightmares and sleepwalking have been handled."
"Great! So there was a potion Professor Snape knew about that could help?"
Gareth grimaced. "Nope. You were right, this was more up Daisy's ally. It…well, it's complicated. But it's handled."
"Good enough for me," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "So why did you sound so down when you called?"
"Josh called to tell me everyone was going to the reservation for Christmas. And he sort of rushed it all out and then hung up, like he didn't want to talk to me at all and Daisy was just making him call. And I get that, I really do, I just thought when I saw his name on the phone…I was trying to find the right words to say how sorry I was for everything that happened…" he stopped talking. The words sounded pitiful in his own ear, like his feelings about getting to apologize were more important than what he was apologizing for.
"You know, that first year we were off-res and lived in England, I went through a year or so where I felt like all I did was chase people down to apologize to them," Isabel said slowly. "Sometimes people responded well and sometimes they didn't. I think I've had to apologize more to Catherine than another other person on the planet. We're so different and I feel like I'm always putting my foot in my mouth with her."
"But you've never done anything that had real consequences," Gareth argued. "Everybody says stuff without thinking and hurts people's feelings sometimes. That's not quite the same as what I did, what happened to them, to their baby."
There was a long pause. "Gareth," Isabel said softly, and he could hear the sadness and pity in her voice, which made him furious at himself and at the same time caused tears to prick at his eyes. "It's going to be all right. I'm one hundred percent sure that Daisy forgave you a long time ago. And Joshua will come around. He will. I think he's almost more angry with himself than with you, that he couldn't protect Daisy and the baby when it happened. And so now he feels torn between supporting you and taking care of her when he feels like he's already let her down once. You two just need to be in the same space for a while and remember you're brothers. So you'd better start packing and make sure you're there in time for dinner tomorrow."
Her voice had changed to chiding and bossy by the end of her speech, and Gareth smiled, sniffing back his tears. "Thanks, Iz. I needed to hear that."
She snorted. "If we're to the point where I'm the one doling out wisdom and advice you're in worse shape than I thought. Now don't worry about it anymore until you're face to face with him. Then you can say all the things you want to say, and if you need someone to incarcerous him until you've finished talking I'm your girl!"
"I'll may take you up on that," he chuckled. "And I promise I'll come to New York. Love you, Izzy."
"Love you, G. Bye."
He dropped the phone in his lap and stared out at the angry sea. The day was still gray and chilly and looked like more rain was on the way. His bare feet in the sand were frozen. Izzy was right. Better to deal with Josh face to face. Slow, he reminded himself. Go slow. Standing a little stiffly, he turned to head back to the house. Something to eat and a hot cup of coffee sounded really good. He and Deirdre curled up in front of the fireplace sounded even better.
She was just dishing out buttered toast onto plates of scrambled eggs when he came into the kitchen. A fresh cup of coffee was already steaming beside one of the plates, and she picked it up and handed it to him with a smile. The desire to experience this moment over and over again, every day for the rest of his life, hit him squarely in the chest. Whatever it took, however slowly he had to go, he was not going to lose her again. But all he did was take the cup of coffee with a soft thank you, and then grab a fork. Professor Snape's makeshift laboratory still commandeered his dining room, so they ate standing at the counter.
"I guess my crisis has precipitated a decision for the whole pack to spend Christmas in New York at the old reservation," he said, when they'd almost finished eating. Deirdre looked up at him in surprise, her fork halfway to her mouth. "Daisy said to be sure you came too," he added, watching for her reaction.
"Did you talk with Daisy?" she asked, setting down the fork. Her voice was warm and curious, her face expectant. Ah, he hadn't expected that response. He thought she'd close off and make some excuse about not going.
"Um, no, Joshua called and told me," he offered, then took a slow sip of his coffee, stalling any further explanation.
"Oh, good," she said, smiling. "I know you've been worried about talking with him, and here he's gone and made the first move."
He grimaced and set down the cup. "I don't know about that," he sighed. "He said Daisy wanted him to call and then just said everything in a rush and hung up." Gareth rubbed wearily at his forehead. He should feel happy, right? The sleepwalking and nightmares had been dealt with. Deirdre seemed more open to giving him a second chance than he'd ever imagined. But his emotions were stretched taut, like an overwound guitar string, vibrating with every touch and in danger of snapping.
Deirdre pursed her lips for a moment, but finally just said, "Finish eating, then go and fetch a couple blankets. I'll clear up here."
Gareth shook his head. "You fixed breakfast, so I'll clean up. If you're still ok trying to nap, you can grab some extra blankets out of the cupboard in the hallway."
"I could sleep for England," she said, a wide yawn interrupting her sentence as proof. "One werewolf slumber party coming up."
Conducting a quick clean up of the dishes with magic, he was only moments behind her coming into the living room. She handed him a blanket and then turned towards the fireplace. "It's not terribly cold in here, but it's such a gloomy day, I think in front of the fire feels cosier. Is that all right?"
His reply got stuck in his throat, and he could only nod. It was what they'd always done growing up, he and his siblings, when they were sad or scared. They'd sleep all together, in their werewolf forms, a pile of comforting warmth and fur. As an adult he'd learned it was a trauma response. He'd read accounts of kids doing similar things after being rescued from concentration camps after World War II. They just felt safer staying together. And he couldn't have articulated it in the moment, but right then he felt wrapped in the same sense of safety. He wasn't alone anymore, and he no longer had to worry about hurting himself or anyone else while he slept.
Deirdre placed her blanket on the floor and transformed, turning in a circle before settling down, her nose between her paws, watching him. Gareth laid his blanket beside hers and changed as well. Scents were instantly more intense, grounding him to the moment, the wood of the fireplace, the miasma of potion ingredients from the next room, rain and sand and salt water…and her. He stood there, aware that his body physically relaxed as soon as he caught her scent. She was somehow safety and home and peace in a way his wolf recognized, and that he hadn't experienced for years.
Pawing at his blanket, he bunched it up on the edges into a sort of nest and curled up in a ball, his tail swishing around near his nose. Deirdre let out a soft sigh and curled up in the opposite direction, but as she did, she shifted closer, so her shoulder was just brushing against his. He leaned into the touch, and she didn't pull away. And he was grateful that the werewolf form precluded them from conversation for a while. He couldn't tell her that he still loved her. He couldn't ask her to stay forever. He couldn't make a complete fool of himself, at least for a little while.
Making himself breathe slowly, Gareth closed his eyes, listening to the crackle of the fire and the Deirdre's soft breathing. He didn't expect to sleep. He thought he'd lay there and breathe and try not to think about what would happen if that enemy tried to come back into his dreams. But sleep crept up on him faster than he'd expected, pulling him away into a different sort of dreams, dreams that made sleep a relief instead of an agony. He willingly lost himself in wide meadows, vibrant forests, and summery blue skies, the best moments of his childhood peppered with the laughter of the host of people who filled the roles of brothers and sisters and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins, a family that was only related by circumstances and love. And occasionally he would catch glimpses of a glowing, golden boy accompanied by a group of shimmering wolves.