Shepard Stories - Chapter 14: The Datapad

Main Characters – Shepard and Alex

The year is 2199, Liara, Shepard and their children are hanging out at their estate in Thessia with Miranda, Alex and their children.

Alex and Jon are sitting at the bar of the outdoor kitchen near the pool, having an alcoholic beverage as their wives and kids are swimming. Alex turned to his brother, "Hey Jon, has Liara forced you to watch that movie The Datapad?"

Shepard rolled his eyes, "Yes. Don't remind me."

Alex, with a disgusted look on his face said "What a fucking love slap horrendous movie that was. Just absolutely terrible and it sets every male up for failure. Why do they come out with those types of movies? Women watch them and then they're like oooh I want a man just like that. Yea well, news flash that shit isn't real life…doesn't exist. Love like that, people like that. Yep, not reality." He paused for a moment and looked at his brother. "Ok, well it's not the reality for 99.99999% of the people in the galaxy."

Jon looked at his brother with a smirk "What are you saying? Liara and I are a love slap horrendous movie?"

Alex nodded then said, "Well, yea, you guys are. It's almost like you never left the honeymoon phase. Liara is still goo goo gaga over you; it's almost gross. You sort of are with her but nowhere near as remotely bad as she is. To top it off she's possessive as fuck." He shook his head in disgust as he spoke "Blah man ugh. How can you stand that?" He shivered then swiped his hands down each arm. "Get off of me and give me some fucking space. Eww."

Shepard chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders "Ehhhh. Yea, she's very clingy and lovie but I honestly don't mind. You have to remember Liara in her hundreds, by Asari standards she's a very young adult if that. Remember how the girls were with us in high school all lovesick and gaga? That's Liara right now. Besides she's never been in love or in a relationship before. So, yea, she has it bad."

Alex stuffed his finger down his throat and gagged "I honestly don't see how you can stand that. I mean, it was whatever in high school but now? Yea fuck that shit, man. You guys barely even bicker or argue."

Shepard cocked his head as he laughed, "And arguing is ok? I'd rather not, I actually like having sex with my very beautiful and sexy wife. See, that's how it works here. If she's happy and oowee gooey smiling, then I get sex."

Alex rolled his eyes then said "Hey, I get sex too, but Miranda is not lovesick like Liara is, that's all I'm saying."

Shepard shook his head "What about you and Miri's love? You act like you two didn't fall in love as quickly as we did."

Alex took a sip of his beer, "I'm not saying we didn't fall for each other quickly. Look at her; she's fine as fuck and that ass. Mmmm." He said as he brought his hand to his mouth then bit it. "Oh, and those titties, god I could bury my face in those all day." He said then shook his face in his hands as he made noises with his lips. When he stopped, he said "The tricky part of our relationship is she can be bitchy as fuck, and well I'm just an asshole. It's what we do, we argue. I tell her when she's being a bitch, and she tells me when I'm being an ass.

Shepard let out a hardy laugh, "Wasn't that what the guy in the movie said to her?"

Alex face dropped then he playfully punched his brother's arm, "Shut up. We're not that sappy. You and Liara are sappy as fuck, but we're not. Anyway, let me finish what I was originally trying to say. Did you see that rowboat scene?"

Shepard nodded as he rolled his eyes "Yea. Laaaame."

Alex rolled his eyes as well then said "Right! I mean, come on give me a break." He slowly waves his hands out to display his romantic scene. "So, he's out there rowing his fucking boat with her into a sea of ducks, and she's dress to the nine's. First of all, if that was me, I'd be bashing some fucking ducks' heads. You see me coming through here? Move the fuck out of my way. Second of all, there's no way in hell Miranda would get all dolled up for a ride in a damn tiny rowboat."

Shepard let out a laugh as he agreed.

"Right? Yea... not happenin'! Even if hell froze over, she still wouldn't do that. Hell no! She'd be in a damn tank top, and some shorts with her hair pulled back in a ponytail as she checks her omni tool every damn second. That's what I would get because that's reality. Then how about the part where it starts raining?" He made a face as he pinched his index finger and his thumb together then flared the others as he shook his hand above his head as he mocked holding a piece of paper. Then mocked the women actor from the movie "Oh nooo." Then wrung his hand near his face while he frowned

Shepard chuckled at his brother.

"Ugh hello, it's pouring down rain. What the fuck is that piece of paper going to do? Not a damn thang, that's what! So, this bitch is pouting then this motherfucker starts laughing all crazy like. Yea ok, you're a weirdo. Then the couple make love in the house while they were all soaking wet. Can you imagine, if I took Miri out on a romantic rowboat trip like that and didn't seriously plan ahead AND it started pouring down rain?" he waved his hand out as he made a face "Pfffft…Get the fuck outta here!"

Shepard was laughing so hard it was silent. When he stopped, he mocked his brother "Get the fuck outta here."

Alex laughed then said "Am I wrong?"

Shepard shook his head "Nope. I'm right there with you, man."

"Ok, so. In my reality, it wouldn't happen because she would have informed me that it was going to rain that day. BUT anyway, you know how our women get all dress up and look all fine as hell. Especially when they dress it up for a date, and it's an I'm going to fuck your brains out later type evening."

Shepard smiled then took a sip of his beer then said "Oh yea."

"I don't know about Liara, but it takes Miri forever to get all dolled up on those nights. So, let's say she's all dolled up, and I'm rowing her fine ass out into a sea of stupid ass ducks, and it starts pouring down rain. Do you know how pissed off she'd be? With her make up and shit all running down her face from the rain? Looking like some fucked up scarecrow or some shit?"

Shepard closed his eyes as he cackled while he said "Fucked up scarecrow…"

"Anyway, she be livid is what! She wouldn't just laugh it off either. Oh nooo, she'd be yelling at me like, ooh ooh Are you… are you fucking kidding me? Fuck you! Are you serious right now? How could you NOT check the damn weather! Argh!" He shook his head as he curled his lip then pretended to grab oars for his fake boat then continued "But me I'd be yelling right back at her "Oh yea? Oh, Yea? You say I don't do enough romantic things for you. Well, this sure as shit isn't God damn romantic anymore, so grab an oar you SALTY BITCH and let's get back to shore! That's right, I said it. Grab an oar and get to rowing! There sure as hell wouldn't be a love scene after that. I can muthafuckin tell ya that much!"

Shepard was laughing hard "Oh my god! I could totally see that!" He wiped the tears forming in his eyes then laughed some more "...You salty bitch...Oh my god...hilarious."

"No joke me too." Alex laughed then looked behind him to make sure his wife was out of ears reach "She is a salty bitch." He looked back again then back at his brother "Ok, then that love scene inside with them all soaking wet. Yea, that shit wouldn't happen either. She's too anal for that kind of crazy mess. The kids drive her bananas with their mess, heaven forbid if we made one. Tracking a trail of water through the house then slamming her wet body against a wall." He shook his head then said, "No way, she would ruin the moment. She'd be like... What the shit, are we tracking water on my hardwood floors? Awww Damn it, my wall is ruined… nooo, my pictures!"

Shepard chuckled "Yep, I can picture her getting mad. That woman likes things in its place. I honestly don't see how she manages with your rambunctious boys running around. How is she not losing her mind constantly?"

"Oh, she does. She puts up a façade, but she's screaming inside. Have you seen that look she gives me? It's the Alex, will you please do something with this craziness before I lose my mind."

Shepard wiped away his tears of laughter "Oh man; you act like Liara doesn't have a look like that or doesn't get angry. She does, believe me, she does. Liara likes to put up a façade as well around friends and family, but you can ask anyone of these commandos about her angry side. They'll tell you just how scary she can be. The anger she throws their way is completely different than what she'll throw our way. Her temper with them is, I'm the Queen here, and you will obey my command, but with me, it's we're on the same playing field anger. Her children well that's totally different, it's more of a nice, polite anger. Hey, let's not do that again please."

Alex arched one of his eyebrows "Yea well, we don't have commandos, and Miranda is Miranda across the board pretty much. Usually, she needs to just go to her room and breathe before she loses her mind." He paused as he took a sip of his beer then said. "Ok, so back to the movie. What about the scene where his side girl shows up at the house and what's her face lets her in to chat for the rest of the day." He shook his head as he hocked out a loud laugh, "Yea, not in anyone's fucking reality would that happen. Miranda would do a brow raise and give a look that would say you best get that bitch out of here, now."

Shepard slapped his leg in laughter "That would be Liara's reaction too. Take your pie and get the fuck on, before I biotically throw your ass out of here."

Liara and Miranda exit the pool then towel dries off. On their way to their husbands, they look at each other then back at their husbands just laughing away. Miranda arched her brow as she walked up to her husband "What is so funny? You two have been laughing for a while now."

Alex and Jon both let out the last of their laughter then a sigh of relief. Alex rubbed his eye as he let out a laugh then said, "Oh nothing just silly talk."