A/N – This chapter takes place two weeks after Hinata starts working at the Office.
This is incredibly self-indulgent. Initially, I thought I would leave this out, since I didn't know if I wanted to put it in the main fic or not, but it was simply too funny to stay in my brain.
So here you go! Hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did.
It was a Saturday in the Namikaze-Uzumaki household, and the living room had been comandeered by Kakashi for a presentation. What it was about, he refused to tell.
In attendance were Minato, Kushina, Team 7 (old and new) and Sakumo. What was originally supposed to be a casual, fun time, hanging out with friends and family, was very quickly becoming something incredibly concerning. The very fact that Kakashi felt the need to make a presentation, that he would actually show to everyone, was terrifying, since he was normally a firm believer in 'what I feel is my business, fuck right off, disrespectfully'.
Obito and Rin were sharing the armchair. Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto were on the three-seater (much to Sasuke's consternation. He had been angling for the armchair, but Rin got there first). Kushina and Minato were on the loveseat and Sakumo chose to pull out a dining chair and turn it around ('Old Man, you're not cool enough to pull that off! Stop that before you break something!'). All had mugs of tea and a plate of cookies before them (also comandeered by Kakashi, who placed the plate on a side table close to him and, more importantly, far away from everyone else). Naruto and Kushina, instead of tea, made cups of instant ramen for themselves.
Kakashi cleared his throat as he finished setting up the screen, pointedly not bringing attention to everyone staring at each other and furiously gesturing with ninja sign to figure out what was happening.
"Assorted friends and family, thank you for taking the time to attend this meeting." Kakashi said as he fiddled with the projector remote, a pointer held between his middle and ring finger. He was interrupted by Obito.
"If I'd known you were going to do this, I would've stayed at home."
"Obi!"
Obito quickly apologised to Rin, who lightly pulled his ear, giving Kakashi an encouraging smile. It was incredibly rare for Kakashi to actually talk about what was bothering him, and now that he was, Rin was going to do her best to help him along.
Kakashi did not deign to respond to either of them, extending the pointer and continuing on. "As you are aware, I was made the Godaime Hokage of our great village, 2 years 6 months and 13 hours ago – "
"Is that real!? Did you just make those numbers up?" This time it was Naruto, mouth full of ramen, noodles hanging out disgustingly. "Have you been counting hours? Why are you counting hours?"
Kushina gestured at Naruto to hold. "Naru-chan, let him explain."
"Thank you, Nee-chan." Kakashi pointed at Kushina with the pointer. "As I was saying, I was made the Godaime as a punishment by my esteemed sensei – "
"Kakashi, it was not a punishment." Minato sounded truly offended at the notion. As did Obito when he asked, incredulously, "It was not!?"
"Next time someone interrupts me, I'm starting from the beginning." Kakashi did sound mildly annoyed when he declared this.
Rin raised her hand.
"Yes?"
"What if we have questions?"
"Raise your hand, then ask."
Immediately Obito's hand went up. Kakashi sighed. It was so difficult getting anything done when these people congregated in one place.
"Yes, Obito?"
"What is wrong with you?"
"Many things." Kakashi shot back. "Moving on. So, I am the Hokage, and as such, it is my sacred duty to consider the best interest of the village and work towards achieving it." He paused for a moment, letting the gravity of the statement sink in. "In the last week, I have realised that Konoha is severely lacking when it comes to one very important thing."
Everyone looked on attentively, waiting for him to explain. It did seem that something very serious was afoot.
"Konoha is in desperate need of a First Lady."
An astonished silence, broken by Sasuke.
"Is this a joke?"
"No, it is not." Kakashi was, unfortunately, entirely serious.
Sasuke looked incensed and got up (nearly elbowing Naruto into Sakura and covering her in ramen), moving towards the door. "This is what I'm wasting my time for!? Your mid-life crisis? Absolutely not! I'm leaving!"
"The door's locked."
Sasuke turned the handle. The door did not open. He slowly turned his glare at Kakashi, who pointed at the couch where he was previously sitting, completely (maybe unwisely) unbothered. Both Sakura and Naruto moved farther away as Sasuke came back and sat down, worried that any closer and his rage would spontaneously set them on fire.
"Speak."
"Gladly." Kakashi replied, then turned on the projector. On the screen was an image of one Yūhi Hinata, smiling gently at the audience, with hearts and sunflowers around her. It was the most terrifying thing anyone in the room had seen in a while.
"I have decided that I will marry Yūhi Hinata within the next two years and I have, on the coffee table in front of you, for your consideration, the plan of how that will be accomplished."
There were, indeed, bound documents on the coffee table. No one was certain why they hadn't noticed it before.
Must be the shock.
As Sasuke and Minato picked up a copy, Obito rose up, barely held down by Rin.
"Hinata!?" He yelled. "My student Hinata!? That one!?"
"Technically, she's Kurenai's student."
"Technically I trained her for three years." Obito shot back, throwing a couch cushion at Kakashi, who infuriatingly caught it out of the air. "We share custody!"
"26 steps!?" Sasuke exclaimed in genuine shock, a huge accomplishment that Kakashi felt extremely proud of. "Just give up at this point!"
"Kakashi-kun," Rin started, but was interrupted by Obito.
"Question!" He didn't wait for Kakashi to give the go ahead, although knowing that Kakashi thought it would take 26 steps to court Hinata did make him feel marginally better. She was way out of his league and he could do with a little less confidence. "You have said before, multiple times, on various occasions, that 'love is only for idiots who want life to be more difficult than it already is'. Is that not true?"
"That is correct." Kakashi agreed amiably, leaning against the wall. "And I stand by my opinion."
"Then what the fuck is this!?" Obito yelled again, brandishing a copy like he wanted to beat him to death with it. He might even manage it, given enough time. Like maybe ten seconds.
"Clearly, I'm an idiot in love who wants to get married!" Kakashi sounded exasperated, as if this whole endeavour was torture he was enduring, not inflicting upon his nearest and dearest. "What's not clicking?"
Obito's jaw dropped open in incredulity, and as he was figuring out what to say, Sakumo decided he should probably weigh in on his son's lunacy.
"Pup," he said, steepling his fingers before his mouth. "First of all, your intensity , on a scale of one to ten, is on a twelve." He gestured with his hand to indicate said levels, then brought the hand down. "You need to bring it down to, like, a five."
Kakashi gave it genuine thought for a moment. "Best I can do is an eight." He said helplessly.
Sakumo buried his face in his palms and groaned miserably. "Fine! An eight then." He shook his head and whispered. "Kami help me."
"Kakashi-kun." Rin began, stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts and took a sip of her tea. Eventually she spoke. "Since when is this a thing?"
"About six days ago." Kakashi replied easily.
"Six days!?" Sakura and Naruto exclaimed. Sakura continued. "Sensei, I can't believe I have to ask you this, but are you sure it's not just an infatuation?"
"Yeah!" Naruto agreed. "Maybe you just haven't seen the sun in a few days and are losing your mind."
Before Kakashi could reply, Sasuke interjected. "Appendix 6, 'Concerning the possibility of twins'," he said, deadpan. "All it says is, 'buy two of everything'. There is also a sub-heading for identical and fraternal."
Everyone looked at Kakashi, who serenely looked back at them.
Minato chugged the rest of his tea like a shot, sighed miserably when it burned his throat going down, and asked. "Kakashi, why?"
"I've got that dog in me."
There was a confused silence from everyone as they tried to figure out what this meant, except from Sasuke, whose silence conveyed deep disdain and a desire to be anywhere else but here.
After a couple of minutes, during which Kakashi drank some tea and had a cookie, Naruto spoke, hesitantly, as if the words were being pulled from him involuntarily. "Is it because... she's a tiger summoner... and you have dog summons...? Like, chasing - "
"Yeah! Naruto's got it." Kakashi interrupted him with a smile. "You don't need to finish that sentence."
"Bakashi!"
"That's terrible, Sensei!"
Kushina, who had been uncharacteristically quiet up until this point, raised a hand.
"Yes, Nee-chan?"
"You are serious about this?"
Kakashi nodded.
Kushina nodded as well, thoughtfully. "Alright, I'll help you."
"Okaa-san!"
Kushina shrugged. "Naru-chan, I've said it before, I will say it again. I want her children in my family."
As Naruto and Kushina started bickering on the ethics of this specific matchmaking, Minato decided to bring up an important point.
"Kakashi."
"Sensei."
"What if she says no?"
Everyone quieted down as Kakashi answered. This was definitely an answer they wanted to hear.
"Great question, Sensei." Kakashi said, still seeming eerily calm. "If that happens, I will, of course, respect her decision."
Everyone took a sigh of relief.
Too soon.
"I will then lock myself in my house with only my paperwork, in the depths of heartbreak, for a month or so. And after that period of mourning is over, I will self-medicate by giving my cute little students D-ranks for the next three years." The last part was said with his eye curving up in a smile.
There were immediate protests.
"Oi Sensei, you can't do that to us!"
"That's abuse of power, Kakashi-sensei!"
"You are out of your fucking mind if you think I will let that happen." Sasuke growled, chakra emanating from him and a chidori forming in his hand. "I will eat both your eyes and mine before I let you give me D-ranks for three years."
Obito looked incredibly worried hearing that. "Oi, Sasuke, one of those eyes is mine, so if you could just return it instead of eating it, that would be great."
"Hn."
Sakumo stood up, slapping his hands on his thighs. "You know what, I think this is enough. We've all had a significant shock in the past... ten minutes. I think I speak for everyone when I say we need time to internalise this information before we can be of any help." He looked towards everyone pointedly, and nodded purposefully when he received agreements from everyone.
"I didn't even get to move to the next slide." Kakashi pouted, looking ready with his thumb on the remote.
"Go fuck yourself!" Sasuke yelled from beyond the front door, which was somehow unlocked now.
"That's fine!" Rin said quickly, grimacing what was supposed to be a smile as she pulled Obito up and pushed him towards the balcony. "We'll just... We'll just, think about it. For a while. And then get back to you. For a well thought out plan!" The last part was said from beyond the balcony door.
As everyone was dispersing like their lives were in danger, Kushina came up to him and, putting her arm across his shoulders, dragged him down lower. "Don't you worry Kakashi-kun. I've got you!" She whispered, giving him a wink and a thumbs up.
Kakashi grinned back at her.
It was so nice to have a helpful family.
A/N – Pressuring the girl you like into dating you: ಠ_ಠ
Terrifying everyone else so that they have a vested interest in getting you two together: (ﾟヮﾟ)
Question, how many slides do you think Kakashi's presentation had?
12
21
37
.
.
.
.
.
Trick question. There was only one slide. He knew they wouldn't get past the cover page and put all of his effort in the planning document which has 96 pages, give or take 30.
Kakashi has one Sharingan eye from Obito. Obito has two eyes, one his own, and one that was transplanted after someone else in the Uchiha Clan died. I will probably have a chapter on the events that led to this, as soon as I can figure out how it will go.