"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The infirmary was unique. For one thing, while it was as immaculately sterile as any med-bay, infirmary or hospital ward in the world, it also looked futuristic. Strange, Carlisle thought, how some features of Castle Corvinus seemed to exceed humans in technology despite being so ancient.
Here, the remnants of a bygone era, long forgotten by mankind, lay stationary and unmoving, while the new, the innovative and creative, were equally embraced by these vampires the way Carlisle had never seen before. They seem to be comfortable walking through the halls of time, he thought. A mix of the old and the new. He supposed he liked it.
Still, he steeled his nerves. This was not going to be an easy visit. But he pressed forwards. Esme hovered behind him anxiously.
"Are you sure about this?" She whispered. He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Positive." He answered. He felt her nod before going forwards into another ward. A hard thump made him turn to his right and his eyes widened.
A figure was thrashing violently, wrestling against restraints which mimicked a straitjacket from a human mental hospital. The figure's mouth was open, his screams were silent, muffled by the reinforced glass, concrete and magical wards, and he foamed as he roared soundlessly, twisting on his bed. Despair leaked through his eyes. Carlisle's eyes widened when he recognised the figure on the bed: Demetri, the once-feared tracker of the Volturi.
Demetri thrashed and wailed, howling and twisting with all his might. Were their species capable, it looked as if there would have been tears in his eyes. He looked to be sobbing. Carlisle suspected that he was not so much struggling against the restraints but against something else in his own mind and heart.
Feeling nauseated, Carlisle swallowed, hastily looked away and forced himself to move on. Another thump resounded, but he didn't look, afraid of whom he might see this time. Unfortunately, he could not be spared the next sight: after a moment of silence and respite, he heard something fall. Frowning, thinking he may have dropped something. His preternatural sight scanned the floor; he hadn't, but when he looked up, the venom in his system seemed to freeze.
A dishevelled figure with thick, heavy dark hair, still glossy and lustrous due to vampirism, but unkempt lay on the floor. Three staff members were behind the enclosure, one carrying her back to the bed, another beside it, and the third standing for backup in case of an emergency. Carlisle felt ill as he recognised yet another person: Heidi.
Her inhumanly beautiful face, used by the Volturi as an ornament and as a bait to lure prey, was twisted in devastating grief. She sobbed and wailed piteously, though no sound could be heard. Her eyes were wild, disorientated and absolutely frantic. Heidi clung to the staff member who carried her, sobbing against his uniform and Carlisle's insides felt like they were twisting. She reminded him too much of his daughter Rosalie, especially during those early days, so it was hard not to be heartbroken. His instincts were to normally push those feelings aside, but then, Carlisle remembered how Heidi had been forcibly recruited, via trumped-up charges, Aro's treachery and corruption, as well as Caius' sadistic, psychopathic tendencies. How her coven had been targeted because they were growing too large, amassing too many talented vampires. How Heidi's coven-mates, her 'mother' Hilda and her 'sisters' had all been slaughtered mercilessly without trial, much less a fair one, and only Heidi was spared because they wished to acquire her- and Victoria, because of her talent at evasion, though according to whispers, Victoria had desperately tried to save her 'sisters' and 'mother', only for them to scream at her to run, which she did. She eventually ended up in the clutches of James, another person much like the Volturi who sought to use her for his own purposes, only for her to find a new 'family' again, fall in love and lose him.
Carlisle swallowed, hard. He knew that if this Hilda and the rest of her 'daughters' had survived or been ignored, Heidi would have never fallen into the clutches of the Volturi, enslaved and bound by Chelsea's power and permanently enthralled and addicted to Corin's, whose power withdrawal did indeed look like long-term drug withdrawal symptoms. If Heidi had been human, Carlisle deduced, she not only would have become violently ill, but she would also most likely had died. As it so happened, for how many centuries had Heidi been addicted to Corin's spell and enslaved by Chelsea? Not as long, Carlisle thought with an uneasy squirming inside, as Sulpicia, Athenodora and Marcus. The three coven-members whom the Volturi supposedly prized above all others.
And then there was Victoria. If Hilda and her 'daughters' had not been slaughtered, or in Heidi's case bound and enslaved via enchantment, he was certain that Victoria would have never fallen into the clutches of James. James may or may not have crossed routes with both Alice and Bella, but he certainly would not have had help. Furthermore, any of the lives she and Riley had taken, including Riley himself, would have never been destroyed. As for Victoria herself, Carlisle had undoubtedly seen her as vile and a threat to innocent lives, but he never knew how she came to be this way. And now, he had a son who committed terrible crimes himself and was likely going to be punished for it, because of unresolved issues in his past. Had Victoria been like that? He asked himself. He knew nothing about her human life, though it was likely she would have cut ties with anyone she had previously, which usually happened forcibly or at least, reluctantly. But she had already lost one family, and then she lost another...
She must have hated the sight of their family united and rejoicing. Celebrating the loss of yet another loved one who was taken by force from her.
Carlisle took a shaky breath and moved on. How Aro and Caius must have thought that this could have ended well, he would never know. Their arrogance must have been absurd. In the end, they did more harm than good. If this is how Demetri and Heidi are reacting, how in the world are the others surviving and coping?
He wasn't certain he wanted to know. He just followed the instructions he'd been given. He feared, perhaps more than anything, to catch a glimpse of Alec or Jane.
But this was absurd! Carlisle scolded himself. He was a doctor! Doctors do not turn from others during their times of need and crises.
Privately, he wondered where Aro and Caius were. Probably at the cells in the dungeons, he thought. He was glad he would never have to set eyes on them. To think they could have bound him too, had they found him more useful. Or worse, any member of his family. He shuddered.
Finally, he reached the room. Unlike the others, it had curtains that were drawn, shielding the one inside from view. Carlisle took a deep breath and approached the door at the side. He knocked.
A whispery voice rasped, hoarse for a vampire: "Come in."
Carlisle turned the knob and pushed it open. He swallowed and suppressed a shudder. He was almost too afraid to enter, afraid of what he might see.
He knew this was something that would haunt him for the rest of his life, no matter how long it would be.
"Marcus," he said softly, his voice unable to rise above a whisper.
"Carlisle," Marcus' voice was hoarse, the shadows under his eyes were darker and stronger, despite the fact that Carlisle had been previously informed by the medical staff that he had drunk a sleeping potion laced with blood. When he screamed himself awake, they gave him a potion for dreamless sleep instead.
Carlisle was grateful for that respite, for Marcus' sake. His handsome face appeared gaunt, despite vampires not losing or gaining weight the way humans do. His cheekbones and jawbones seemed to jut outwards. His eyes were dark, not crimson, undoubtedly due to the new blood he now consumed.
Marcus of the Volturi lay on a hospital bed, something which Carlisle had never envisioned.
He swallowed, stepping forwards. "How- how-" he couldn't manage to get the words out. For all he had seen, witnessed and- during his human life- observed, Carlisle had never encountered something like this.
He sighed. "I don't think I need to ask how you are doing. Although an update would be welcome."
Marcus closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Carlisle saw he had restraints securing his arms to the bed, much like Demetri. He shivered.
"My better days are long far behind me," Marcus whispered.
Carlisle nodded tightly. Not wishing to ask further in case this salted old wounds... wounds which had now been reopened and further injury inflicted upon.
"Marcus," he managed, his voice raspy according to their standards. "Truly... I did not know. They never once-"
Marcus cut him off. "I know."
Carlisle squeezed his eyes shut, before forcing them open. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Truly... I am."
Marcus said nothing, only stared at the heavy drapes blocking them from view, in silence.
"I loved her," he said after a long while. "I love her still."
Carlisle took a few deep breaths. "I know."
Marcus' face now twisted in anguish. "Had I known..."
Carlisle immediately shook his head. "You shouldn't blame yourself, Marcus. No one could have known. A- he hid his tracks very well."
Marcus laughed. A hollow, harsh, empty and bitter sound. "I spent three millennia serving them, staying by their side, being loyal to them-" his voice raised with hysteria. "-like a loyal guard dog-"
Carlisle instantaneously moved forwards. "You were loyal because of Chelsea. None of that was your doing."
Marcus' body shook. It took a while for Carlisle to register that he was sobbing.
"How could I have been such a fool?" He whispered. "How could I have- I should have known-"
Carlisle sighed. He knew there was no way for him to stop Marcus from blaming himself.
"He must have planned this very well, Marcus," Carlisle said flatly. "Planned and covered his tracks to hide his act in committing the crime, although not the proof of her demise so you wouldn't search."
Marcus let out a moan, like his heart was breaking, shattering all over again, just as it did three thousand years ago.
"She was his sister," he whispered. "Why? How? How could he? If it had been anyone else, he would have killed them I know, but his sister?! My wife?!"
Carlisle pursed his lips. He couldn't bear the look of anguish, heartbreak and betrayal on Marcus' face. So many things he had seen, so many things he had witnessed and endured, but this...
Marcus broke and Carlisle bit his lip, watching him dissolve into heart-crushing sobs.
He moaned in agony, his whole body shaking, sobs of anguish ripping through him, head shaking as if trying to deny the hideous truth as Carlisle slowly moved forwards, laying a gentle hand upon his shoulder.
For a long moment, neither said anything.
"It's power," Carlisle whispered. "It can corrupt people. I doubt the two of them truly loved Sulpicia and Athenodora, either. Or at least, it was a twisted, unhealthy love, an obsession." He recalled the words he'd used when confronting his son in his cell the first time they had arrived. "They certainly had no respect for anything other than their own need to dominate and suppress others."
Marcus' head had fallen forwards. A curtain of lustrous dark hair covered his face.
"I wanted to leave," he whispered, hoarsely, after a while. "We both did. We no longer cared about the Volturi's domination. We were discontent."
Carlisle nodded. "Not even Chelsea's power could have stopped either of you from leaving, if that was the case. And Corin's. And Aro knew it. That was why he did what he did."
A moan of heartbroken anguish ripped through Marcus' whole body.
"Please don't for a moment believe that you have failed her," Carlisle whispered. "I may not have met Didyme-" Marcus' whole body shook once more upon hearing her name. Carlisle faltered, but only for a moment. "-but I do know that she would not have blamed you, either. Unlike with Aro's feelings of attachment for Sulpicia, unlike Caius' for Athenodora, your love was genuine. That was why it was a threat. You wanted to make her happy, and she wanted the same for you, that was why you left."
Marcus sobbed, completely broken. "It didn't save her, save either of us in the end." His voice dripped with pure self-loathing. Carlisle winced.
"No, but true love will always stand in the way of the corrupt and those who do not truly understand it. Only Corin's gift kept Sulpicia and Athenodora content with their perpetual imprisonment within that tower. And now that Corin no longer has any influence over any of them, same as Chelsea, they are suffering severe withdrawal symptoms, aren't they? Unable to feel happy or even remotely content or satisfied on their own. It truly equates to the use of a drug, Marcus. And drugs, once the effects have run its course, causes severe withdrawal symptoms that can cause suffering. In humans, drug withdrawal causes severe delirium, confusion, hallucinations and seizures. That's what I suspect is currently happening with the two of them. Vampires may be physically stronger, but do you think that the mental effects would not be severe on Sulpicia and Athenodora, nor the rest of them, including Alec and Jane? Or Heidi and Demetri whom I've just passed?" Marcus was silent. "Many of them have been under Chelsea and Corin's spells for around millennia or centuries, depending on how long each individual has been with the coven for. To top it off, to add to all the above, how do you think Heidi and the twins must feel, knowing that they were following the orders of and, in every way, aiding and serving the ones who were truly responsible for the deaths of those they loved the most? How do you think Sulpicia and Athenodora must feel knowing that the ones whom they loved the most not only murdered one of them but imprisoned the two of them in a tower and put them under a spell to take away not only their freedom, but their right to free will and to feel whatever emotions or wishes they have of their own volition?"
Again, Marcus said nothing. Carlisle closed his eyes for a brief moment, then sighed.
"Their list of victims, usually innocent, are too many to count." He said gently, placing his hand on Marcus' shoulder. "You cannot be blamed for what you did, any more than Heidi or Alec and Jane."
They stayed like this in silence while Marcus wept. Carlisle understood the need for restraints. Marcus, despite the fact that their species were unable to kill or even harm themselves, needed to be restrained, in case he broke free, provoked someone and manipulated them into killing him.
He swallowed. Perhaps this was what should have been done to Edward last year before he came to Volterra, or even the previous year. If he had only suspected that Edward had been stalking and breaking into Bella's room...
"Aro and Caius can never and will never even attempt to understand true love," Carlisle said finally, slowly and softly, but clearly. "To them and anyone like them, love is something to possess, to hoard. Love takes sacrifices, but since when did Aro or Caius ever sacrifice anything for love? For Sulpicia or Athenodora? Or Jane and Alec whom Aro claimed to love like his children?" He took a deep breath and shook his head. "If they truly loved their wives, the way you loved yours, they would never even consider imprisoning them for millennia or taking away their free will, even at the risk of them being hurt, even at the risk of them leaving either of them. They certainly would never have used Chelsea and Corin on anyone. Especially knowing how dependent upon and addicted to their powers the victim would become. Especially knowing what it could do to them once they were handed their free will and sense of self back to them, that they could become so ill, even so utterly destroyed." His mind flashed back to when he had seen Heidi and Demetri.
Carlisle also wondered if he should be saying these things to Edward, about Bella and Renesmee. He silently begged Elizabeth Masen's forgiveness for failing to see any of this sooner, or worse, ignoring the signs that Edward's actions and intentions were worse than it had seemed. He always knew that his mother Elizabeth's death, and that of his father Edward Senior, had impacted Edward more than he pretended it had. Carlisle knew that Edward felt tremendous guilt at his presumed failure to be the man both his parents had raised and wished him to be, while also blaming himself since Elizabeth could have recovered instead of succumbing and worsening in her illness, had she not chosen to stay by his bedside and attempt to nurse him back to health.
But would Elizabeth Masen have condoned any of this? He asked himself. He doubted it. As brief as their interactions had been, he could not envision Elizabeth, so proper and motherly, being remotely alright with Edward's condescending behaviour towards Charlie, or overriding Bella's wishes in regard to anything. She would likely have been horrified, appalled and angered if she ever discovered her son had been breaking into their house and into Bella's room at night. Even worse, although they did not know each other well, he was certain that the mother who would willingly give her life to try to nurse her child back to health and with her dying breath made him swear to save him, would never have condoned anyone discussing plans to abort an unborn baby against its mother's explicit wishes and behind her back, no less. Certainly not in regard with her unborn grandchild, especially since she safeguarded and kept a portion of her jewellery and inheritance for any granddaughters she may have in the future. In fact, based on what he had seen and observed about Elizabeth, during the short amount of time he had known her for, Carlisle wasn't even sure if she could forgive even her own son for doing and planning what he did.
Carlisle sighed inwardly, shoulders slumping. Feeling that Marcus also deserved an explanation, he went ahead and told him how their family had gotten tangled into this whole mess.
Marcus' lips twitched briefly. "I always did wonder why you felt so compelled to save human lives and to abstain from feeding like the rest of them."
Carlisle sighed. "Guilt does many things. I wasted the first twenty-three years of living doing my father's bidding and persecuting whom I had belatedly realised were likely innocent of any charges. And even if they truly had possessed magic, that did not make them guilty. It certainly would not have been considerate of me to persecute others due to their religious beliefs and differences. I could never take those lives back, but I refuse to do any more harm if I can avoid it."
Marcus nodded, accepting this in silence. "I suppose that your idea not to waste your newfound immortality was not shared with your adopted son." Carlisle winced.
"Evidently, I have failed him in that regard." His voice was flat. "Just as I have failed his mother, his wife and daughter, and his sister too." Marcus hummed in agreement. He seemed calmer now.
"We both did." His voice was bitter. Upon seeing Carlisle opening his mouth to protest, Marcus cut him off. "I know, I was under Chelsea's spell." He spat out that name in a bitter tone. "And she was his sister." Apparently, Marcus had decided that the very least he could do was to abstain from speaking Aro's name and using his pronouns in a hateful manner. "But I should have known that his lust for power and domination would be more important. His desire to possess everything. Including his own wife." Marcus' brow furrowed and his face contorted into a scowl as he undoubtedly remembered Sulpicia and Athenodora's treatment at the hands of the mates they had so loved. "Did you know that both of them had protested before either of them had urged and insisted that they enter that tower? I should have known. But Chelsea..." His face twisted in anguish and bitter self-loathing, as well as hatred for Chelsea, Aro and Caius. "If they could do that to their wives, something I would never have considered doing to Didyme," his face twisted in anguish at the name "then they could certainly have killed anyone whom they saw would stand in their way or threaten their power."
Carlisle's brow furrowed. "But how could Didyme have ever threatened their power?"
"We wished to leave." Marcus' dark eyes, haunted and dark in a way that made Carlisle shudder, inwardly at least, met his. "She was his sister. I was one of the Volturi triumvirate. Didyme was gifted, but while her gift had its uses for them, my gift was even better. After all, even without Chelsea to bind others in loyalty to them-" it seemed every mention of Aro or Caius, even their indirect pronouns caused Marcus to spit pure loathing "-I can see the binding ties between our combined enemies, which ones must be eliminated as key to their resistance. And I was one of the three upon whose names our power had been built upon." His voice descended into bitterness once more. "Therefore, I was not the disposable one." His shoulders, followed by the rest of his body, shook.
Carlisle could say nothing more; he only held onto Marcus in scant comfort as the latter wept for thousands of years of grief and betrayal.
Once that was over, Carlisle asked where Sulpicia and Athenodora were. He didn't expect to be admitted, so to his surprise, he was allowed entry by the two women.
The two of them apparently shared a single room, taking what little comfort remained in their lives in each other's familiar presence. Carlisle understood: Aro and Caius were imprisoned and most likely to be executed. Their mates, the ones whom they had loved the most and cherished, had willingly contributed to their imprisonment and enslavement under enchantment for thousands of years, likely resulting in the state they were in right now. Carlisle could not begin to imagine the effects of withdrawal from the addictive enchantment that Corin had cast on them for three thousand years, accompanied by Chelsea's now all-too-familiar power of binding loyalty.
How disorientating it must be to have free will and free thought after so long. Carlisle shuddered as he realised the context of whom he could be speaking of.
No, that could not happen. And that would never happen now. Carlisle paused, one hand on the doorknob. The thing which disturbed him, however, was that it could have happened, and it did, although not to the extent and the amount of time that Sulpicia and Athenodora had suffered. But most disturbing and truly upsetting of all, was that neither he nor Esme had noticed it. Nor Jasper who had been manipulated.
Carlisle took a deep breath. Yes, that conversation had shaken him to the core, made his insides feel like ice and feel ill all at once. But he had to think on that later.
Meanwhile, in the living room of the guest suite that had been assigned to the Cullens, Bella's stomach twisted as she listened to what Jasper had recounted remembering just before the ritual. That and the comparison to what Aro and Caius did to Marcus and their wives in the aftermath of Didyme's death which Aro had orchestrated. According to the investigators during the trial, Caius certainly aided and knew of his plans, although even he had been reluctant and taken aback at first, in regard to Didyme's murder.
Jasper swallowed. His eyes looked moist, as if were capable of crying, which he assuredly would have been doing had he could.
"Bella..." he croaked. "I'm so... I'm sorry." He took a shuddering breath. His shoulders shook. Beside him, Alice's eyes were wet.
Their eyes, Bella noted, no longer turned back to gold any more than the others who had once sported crimson irises. They only turned black when they were thirsty, but apart from that they quickly reverted back to their usual colours due to the blood they now fed upon.
"I didn't realise at the time," he whispered. "What I was doing. I thought it was just... calming you down whenever you or Nessie- Renesmee felt anxious, upset or scared. Making you better. I just..." he took another shuddering breath. His hands shook. His brown eyes glanced up at Bella. "I didn't realise the context of the situations you were both in, or the number of times I had been doing this for. I only stopped when Nes- Renesmee came up to me and asked me to be allowed to feel what she was compelled to feel on her own without anybody making her. It was bad enough, she said, that she had to be made to think and feel what her dad wanted her to think or to feel." Jasper gave a harsh bitter laugh about that.
"That's when I snapped out of it. I swore to her that I was sorry and to never do that again. Edward got mad at me..." he trailed off. "He just... Once when he and Nes- Renesmee were arguing, Edward turned away and just gave me this long and weary look. I could he see what he was about to say to me: his very young and emotional daughter was too angry to see reason unless she calmed down. So, I stepped in. But after another argument when I wasn't there, and he threatened her to bring me over to calm her down, Renesmee showed me her memory of the event, and I decided to stop. I was ashamed as I realised the number of times I was doing this to her, keeping her quiet and content so she could be obedient." Bella swallowed, nodding tightly.
"It was too much. I don't know if Edward knew that; he certainly refused to listen to me when I protested when he looked at me, expecting me to calm her again. I refused." Jasper's mouth trembled when his earthy coffee-brown eyes met her milk chocolate ones. "He was angry."
Bella took a deep breath. Her hands trembled and she nodded. "I don't think the rest of us did," she whispered, her voice growing tight. "Including me." Her lip trembled. "If I had known..."
Jasper shook his head but covered his face with his hand.
"What are we going to do?" Bella choked, her voice cracking. "He can't- he can't be trusted." Jasper and Alice both flinched, Alice looking like she had been stabbed in the gut.
"No," Jasper whispered. "He can't." Bella shuddered another deep breath and sobbed.
"I love him," she whispered. "Despite all that he's done... he's still my husband, Jazz." Her voice cracked. "I can't stand the sight of him now, but... Half of me can't stand me, doesn't trust him, doesn't want to go near or to have anything to do with him, the other half... loves him. Needs him. Adores and worships him, more than anything." Her face twisted in anguish. "I can't take it. Even though... even though I know it's the right thing to do and if I don't, I will be totally complicit and equally responsible for putting my daughter through this, the same way Aro and Caius..." she choked, fist flying to her mouth, stifling a sob.
Her body shuddered and shook. Her breath came out in sobs. It was still strange, to no longer feel hot tears running down her face, like the streams Bella still expected. But everything else felt the same.
"She doesn't deserve this," she whispered. "What have I done?" Bella thought about Jacob and how he manipulated her and now fully intended to take her daughter, raising her to be his wife. How she herself had led him to this point, to madness. "What have I done and how-" her voice choked, and she pushed her fist to her mouth to stifle her sobs.
"How do I- how do I fix this?"
Jasper took another shuddering breath and shook his head to clear his whirling thoughts and emotions.
"I can't answer that for you," his voice was soft. "You have to decide what's best for you... and for Renesmee."
Bella shook her head maniacally in denial.
"I can't." Her voice was defeated. Broken. "I don't know what's best for me. I certainly don't know what's best for Renesmee." A harsh, bitter laugh bubbled out from her throat. "Why I ever thought..." She took a shaky breath.
"Did you know that when I first discovered I was pregnant, I imagined Renesmee would be a boy? A boy with Edward's eyes, green the way his used to be when he was a human? Now, when I look back, I can't believe how lucky I am." A hysterical laugh, sarcastic and bitter, leaped from her mouth. "If she had been a boy... if she had had Edward's eyes... Jacob would have torn her throat out. Forget that, if Jacob hadn't actually looked right at her and not the bundle of blankets she'd been wrapped up in before he attacked..."
Another hysterical laugh erupted. "And before that, during Renesmee's birth? Carlisle and Esme were out hunting, Rosalie had to be taken out because of her thirst, you, Alice and Emmett couldn't be there for the same reasons, the only people there with me in the delivery room was-"
"Edward and Jacob," Jasper finished quietly, already picking up what she was trying to say. Beside him, Alice's eyes widened as she too came to the realisation, albeit more slowly.
But in the end, they understood, of course, of just how lucky they were. Of how fortunate and timely everything had been. If Edward hadn't been around to hear Renesmee's thoughts, or if she'd directly inherited her mother's shield, or perhaps if she'd been a boy with Edward's eyes, or if Bella had died, regardless of what Edward had seen Renesmee intend to do... well, they doubted that Edward would have wanted anything to do with Renesmee, innocent or not. In fact, he and Jacob were the ones who had not only wanted her dead, but actively planned to kill her, alongside Sam.
Jasper sighed, shaking his head. Bella looked at him with glistening chocolate eyes, eyes which he still half-expected to be damp with the tears her vampire body were no longer capable of producing. "I really was lucky, wasn't I?" She laughed bitterly again. "All this time, complaining about my luck, how it got me in trouble... most of the time, it was myself that got me in trouble. My luck just kept saving me. Guess this is my divine comeuppance, huh?" She muttered bitterly. "Teaching me a lesson... I can't believe I was such an idiot, looking back. I should never have trusted Edward or Jacob. Or myself." She swallowed, hard. "My Gran, the teachers in Phoenix and Renée always said I was smart. How could I have been so stupid?"
She dissolved into another round of fresh sobs. "We all trust the wrong people at some point," Jasper could only say, patting her shoulder, a similar bitterness in his voice. "We just have to learn from our mistakes."
Then, a thought occurred to Bella. "What if I can't?" She whispered, suddenly.
"What?"
She looked up. "What if I can't learn?" A hint of panic and hysteria entered her tone. "I mean, I'm a vampire now, aren't I? I'm stuck: frozen at eighteen. The same age and the same state I was when I was still crazy about Edward, still weak about Jacob. What if I can't learn from my mistakes? What if I'll just-" she waved a hand in the air. "-kneel over and allow them to walk over me?" Jasper was silent.
"What if I'm not strong enough? I once thought I was-" a harsh, ironic laugh bubbled out of her throat. "-but now I can see I'm anything but."
Jasper regarded her in silence. "You can choose to be strong," he said softly. "You can choose to do the right thing. You can choose to clear your head, including all your thoughts, and all your previously held notions and ideas about things and how they are in this world. And you can develop new ones. You can learn. It's not impossible for vampires to learn." He took a deep breath and pointed to his chest. "Case in point."
Bella blinked. Oh, yeah. He told her he had once been a Confederate soldier. And under the control of Maria, a vicious female who manipulated him into being her puppet and commander of her army, disposing of them whenever they outlived their usefulness to her.
"How did you do it?" She asked, finally. "How did you..." her voice trailed off.
Luckily, he understood. "It wasn't easy, at first." Jasper admitted, pinching the area between his eyebrows. "I mean, I started to become aware that everything I'd known and once believed in, as a human and as a vampire, were wrong. I picked up the signs. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I slowly saw that something wasn't right. That it wasn't right to turn all these newborns and train them, use them for battle and set them to kill, only to kill them once they've outlived their usefulness to Maria. It wasn't right to decimate entire covens and human settlements just to gain more feeding grounds. And it wasn't right to take the lives of any human, whether for food or to recruit them, usually by force. I felt their emotions, but I was a soldier. Maria laughed whenever I brought this up and she asked if I was becoming soft. Her eyes were always sharp as she said this, as if she were searching for the slightest signs of betrayal; that I would turn against her. I didn't realise it until much later. I was blind; I didn't want to believe I was wrong."
"Wrong about what?" Bella found herself asking.
"About following her. About believing her. About fighting and killing for her." Jasper shook his head, sighing. He hung his head, face turned downwards momentarily before he looked up again. "I didn't see it because I didn't want to believe it. And I didn't want to believe it 'cause..." he trailed off, then took a deep breath.
"Because I feared it might be true." Bella stared at him as he finished his sentence.
"I didn't want to believe that I had done all these things... that I'd given up everything and killed all these people, risked my life and gave my love, all for someone who was vicious, cruel, greedy, manipulative and psychotic. Someone heartless. That I'd risked life and limb, destroyed my soul- if there was any part left of it that remained from my human days- and destroyed innocent lives all for... for this. For her. For what she was, as opposed to what I believed her to be." Jasper took a shuddering breath.
"It was hard. And I confess, as wrong as I was about my beliefs as a human, that I was glad that revelation came to me separately as opposed to the one I'd come to accept about Maria." He took another shuddering breath. Bella noticed his hands were shaking. "That would have been too much to handle, all at once, even for a hardened soldier like me."
For a moment, Bella was unable to speak. "You loved Maria?" She finally managed.
Jasper shook his head. "I thought I loved Maria." He stated flatly. "But I was wrong, even about that."
She blinked. "How did you know you were wrong?" She found herself asking.
Jasper sighed. "Because she didn't love me. And I couldn't love her if I didn't know her. If I refused to see her for who she truly was. Heartless, greedy... maybe she was capable of love, or she might've been at some point. But regardless of that, she certainly never loved me, any more than Aro loved Sulpicia or his sister Didyme, Marcus, Alec, Jane, or any of the others, the way he claimed he had." Bella winced, agreeing with that sentiment. "That could hardly be called love, any more than what Caius felt for Athenodora."
Bella's stomach squirmed, although she didn't know why.
"I finally accepted the whole truth when I was away from her, from her nefarious influence and toxic interference," Jasper said flatly. "At first, I was just desperate, I didn't care what she said, I had to stop this, stop killing all these people. Then I was finally forced to confront the fact that Maria was not a good person, that she was not capable of love and care towards others, at least not towards me. Besides, she already had a mate whom she had been happy with, and two older vampires who were like parents to her. The signs were all there: she asked things of me more than I had been later willing to give and were previously uncomfortable with, at least initially. She was never satisfied, although she initially pretended to be pleased, or if she truly was, it never lasted. She got enraged later when I couldn't deliver, or at least if I wasn't willing to. She overlooked my feelings, brushed me aside when I objected, or tried to reassure me that she was doing the right thing, and that I just wasn't seeing it that way. Or she would even get upset for me not seeing things from her point of view, cry and make me feel like an ass. But even when I was convinced that she was either totally right, or when I thought that her way of seeing and doing things were flawed, I was beginning to fray at the seams." His lips twitched at the description, no doubt a reminder of his parents' tailor profession.
"At first, I worshipped her; she could never do anything wrong in my eyes. She was my mentor, my leader, my guide and my love." At the corner of her eye, Bella caught Alice slowly looking down, uncomfortable with this description. "Then, I started to see the signs. Signs that she was flawed, and that her viewpoint and her leadership were not what I thought it was. I thought that, hey, maybe it was okay. It was understandable: after all, everyone has flaws, right? She could and would eventually see sense or else be made to see it. Then, I started to see that she couldn't, and that was because she either didn't want to or she couldn't bring herself to care. Besides, she reminded me: she pulled the punches. She was the leader around here. I would have been stuck fighting an inglorious war on the losing side, all my efforts for naught if she hadn't come along and lifted me from my mortality. I owed her. She ruled the coven and the lands surrounding it. I was never her equal. Nor would I ever be."
Bella swallowed, hard, at the description. Jasper saw her expression.
"Even if we had different roles, either as leader or as follower, the least she could have done, if she truly did love me, or cared about me in any way, was to put as much effort and consideration for me and my personal feelings, as I had done for her." He paused.
"Although I do wonder what I felt back then. She was my obsession. I realise that now." His lips twitched. "Although she did do me one favour- apart from teaching and giving me experience about newborns."
"What?" Bella was stunned.
Jasper took a deep breath. "Maria was Mexican," he said quietly. "But even away from human society, she never discriminated against anyone racially. Vampires don't, not in regards to ethnicity. One day, she showed me- during the last throes of the war- a group of human slaves whom she watched and observed from a distance. The conditions they lived in, how mistreated they were. After the war, when they had been freed, I did as she once asked and observed a group of former slaves- under the pretext of determining if any would be fit recruits- talk about their previous lives as property. I overheard everything: all the abuse, all the virulent hate, all the misery they'd suffered, the stories they shared and the ones which were passed down from those who were brought on slave ships from Africa. And how it was still bad for them, even though they'd been set free. How their ancestors been ripped from their lives, their homes and families, to never see any of them again, to work until they dropped and then were lashed, all without pay, without benefits of any kind. And to see their loved ones, husbands, wives, parents and children, either die from overwork or get sold when times were lean, or the owner passed away and his estate fell into new hands.
"Everything. It was chilling, horrifying. And for the first time, I asked myself: what had I done? What had I been a part of? How could I not have seen or noticed this, even when I was a human living amongst them? How could I have been so blind? I was horrified and disgusted, especially with myself. I swore never to touch another slave or former slave, either to turn them into recruits or for food. And when I caught members of the newly formed Ku Klux Klan riding through the streets at night, dressed all in white with their white hoods, pretending to be the Ghosts of the Confederate soldiers who had died gloriously, honourably in battle come to haunt their white comrades for their perceived failures or their former slaves for abandoning them, lazing about or daring to get ideas beyond their stations, I learned to hate them and everything they stood for. I caught one tying a black man, a former slave, to a tree to lash him, possibly to lynch him later while the man's wife and children were forced to watch, screaming and I... I stepped in."
He sighed. "They died at my hands." He said, numbly, glancing down at them as if expecting to see his hands still covered in their blood. "While I felt guilt, knowing that these men were once my comrades, I felt no remorse. I felt we were all better for it, without them. Without their beliefs and hatred. Their false charms and alluring fantasies of the South and what it once was, or so they thought. And they were likely going to lynch the black man anyway, maybe even his family. After that, my prey became the members of the first Ku Klux Klan. My one regret was that I had not turned against them sooner."
Bella was silent for a long moment.
"I admit that that had been the reason that I felt so indebted towards Maria. Why I was so reluctant to leave. I thought, maybe she had some good in her. And perhaps she did. I understood what she wanted to show me. Mortal wars and conflicts meant nothing to her. But that was too much, even for the likes of us. Vampires killed only for food, she said to me. Or vengeance. These men killed because they were sadistic, and they did much more than just kill. Still, it got too much, her manipulative tendencies, her greed, her power-lust and callousness. So, when Peter came back with Charlotte and offered me a way out, I took it. But I felt grateful to Maria for opening my eyes, even more so as time went by. I forgave her for manipulating me. She still lives in Mexico. But..." he paused.
"I don't know. Maybe..." he trailed off. He looked to Alice. She nodded, face tight. "She's here."
Jasper's eyebrows flew up. "Wow." Was all he said.
"So are Peter and Charlotte." Alice piped. "Yeah, I've noticed," Jasper murmured, running a hand through his wavy blond locks.
He let out a breath. "It isn't easy, rethinking everything, everything you've once believed or held close to your heart," he stated, seeing the look on Bella's face. "But once you've accepted it... you can begin to move on. Make steps to be better than who or what you once were. It's more than just bitter, accepting your flaws and seeing what it led or contributed to. But it won't kill you."
Bella swallowed tightly and nodded. "I just- I just don't know." She let out a hysterical, desperate laugh. "I'm just... I admit I'm scared to think... that I might've given up everything, my human life... for... for..." she couldn't say it.
But Jasper understood. He nodded, placing a hand upon her knee. "Take your time, Bella." He stated. "It doesn't mean you're weak if you take your time to think about these things. It makes you smart."
Bella closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath. "Maybe that's what I need." she mumbled.
The three of them sat in silence. Nearby, Rosalie and Emmett were drinking blood, supplied from the carafe, and talking to Renesmee on the two-way mirror that Gabrielle had provided for them.
Bella thought about what her daughter had said, what Jacob had done. Worse, she suspected that Charlie knew something else.
While Charlie never discussed this incident with her, sensing that she needed to be on her own, so he never confronted or asked her any questions and Renesmee had been avoiding almost everyone since then, Bella sensed that Charlie now knew what they were.
Renesmee also feared that Jacob would be even more reluctant to let her go, and so did Billy, Sue, Seth and Leah, Quil and Embry. This also did not bode well for the other imprints who might wish to be free. Even worse, Bella didn't know how far Jacob would descend into madness and what lengths he would go to in order to keep Renesmee with him.
The Cullen 'children' all looked up when Esme strode into the living room. She looked tired and weary. "Carlisle has just seen Marcus," she said in a worn-out voice. "He's... as can be expected. Sulpicia and Athenodora too. They're coping with all the effects of withdrawal from Chelsea's spell and Corin's for too long. They managed during the trial, but after a while, it came back. They're going to need some time to recover. And..." she winced. "There were the others..."
Emmett asked in a hushed voice: "Alec and Jane?" Esme sighed, wincing and shaking her head.
"Their case might be even worse than the others." She stated grimly. "Demetri and Heidi, for example, based on what Carlisle's seen and heard from the staff and what he's told me... they have a chance of recovering, as do Renata, Santiago, Felix..."
Bella's shoulders slumped. "That's good."
"As for the rest of the guard, the temporary ones, they'll be just fine, the spells weren't on them for too long." Esme clarified. "They were only meant to be rotary, after all. They still need to recover. Thankfully, Aro hasn't recruited anyone for a more permanent position. Because of what they did, it's likely that Chelsea and Corin will share the same fate as their masters." Esme's voice dripped with scorn. "And Chelsea's mate Afton has decided to share hers. Fortunately, he was the only person who willingly stayed with her." Contempt leaked from her words. "Meaning he was in on the whole thing. He and Chelsea also helped cover up Aro's tracks during Didyme's murder and afterwards, when Marcus sought to find her killer."
Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie all grimaced at the mention.
"But Alec and Jane... their case is concerning. Apparently, they've asked Gabrielle to come and take a look at them." Esme pursed her lips. "It's unlikely they'll recover. Even without the emotional and psychological trauma, the shame, grief, betrayal and guilt they now feel. It's... what Aro did..." She winced, swallowing.
"It twisted their minds," Esme confessed, honey-brown eyes meeting all of theirs. "There's a reason why the other species don't allow for transformations, not just to toddlers, but to children who have yet to reach the age of twenty, or twenty-one."
Bella felt a chill down her spine. "Why?"
"Because it freezes them." Esme stated grimly. "I've questioned them about this. The medical staff told me that pure-born vampires, those who were born to vampire parents, stop growing when their bodies resemble that of a human in their early to mid-twenties. Of course, it takes roughly a hundred years for that to occur."
Emmett snorted. "Wow. That explains a lot."
"But for the children who are turned... well, it differs from one species to the next, but every vampire who's been converted from humanity stops aging from the moment they were turned." Esme continued. "While this means that physically, children who've been turned are frozen, for some species this means that their minds still continue to develop and grow, and they suffer from being trapped in an adolescent and pre-pubescent body, with all the hormones it entails, just bottling up and unable to properly grow naturally, so it inhibits their mental state, drives them to the brink of insanity- if not the very depths." Bella shuddered.
"For others, like ours, their mental and emotional states stop maturing once they've been turned. While Alec and Jane outwardly have more control than the Immortal Children who were toddlers, inwardly, it's a different story. They were turned on the very verge of puberty, just as they were beginning. Their hormones had already begun, and they had yet to navigate. They were stuck between the phase of a child or an adult- well, there were no such things as adolescents or teenagers back when they were human; you were either a child or you were an adult. They hadn't yet learned how to navigate and their bodies and minds to adjust to the changes that were ripping through their bodies and brains, including their hormones. So instead of growing naturally, they were trapped in that state forever. Like a pair of diamond-hard bottles with all the energy and mental turmoil and raging mood swings trapped within. They lash out, they can't help it." Esme said grimly.
"And to make matters worse, the twins were certainly psychologically traumatised, terrified and heartbroken at their mother's death, their torture and execution by burning." Esme shuddered, as Rosalie poured a goblet of blood from the carafe, and she lifted it to her lips. "Not to mention the actual transformative process itself- after the emotional and physical torment of being forced to witness their mother murdered in a futile attempt to save them, then tortured before being burned alive, and then three days of burning- again- with no rest while their bodies were forced to undergo a very radical mutation, never to sleep and take respite ever again, before being manipulated for over a thousand years and forced to serve and be bound- also by Chelsea's enslaving power and Corin's very addictive enchantment- all under the behest and twisted manipulative tendencies of the man who has now been proven to be the one actually responsible for all this in the first place-" Esme pursed her lips, shook her head and took another gulp.
"PTSD- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is bad enough to deal with, but the fact that they were not only eternally frozen at that state, but also had to deal with the emotional pain and the feeling of betrayal, the trauma and Corin and Chelsea's powers..." Esme sighed, putting down her empty goblet.
"It's just too much. I don't think they can recover." She said flatly. "And the withdrawal process has seemingly driven them to insanity, if they weren't already insane. And it's more than likely that they already were." She noted grimly.
"Damn Aro," Rosalie whispered. "And Caius. And Chelsea, Afton, Corin... all of them."
Bella agreed. She was horror-struck. She couldn't even begin to imagine...
"What will happen to them now?" She whispered, unable to make her voice rise louder than it currently was.
Esme sighed, shaking her head. She rubbed her forehead. "I don't think they can make it." She whispered.
They all stared at her. "They're going to die?" Rosalie blurted, incredulous.
Esme shook her head. "Vampires can't be killed by withdrawal, even to this extent. There's no doubt they'll be forced to continue living. But they're insane, a risk to themselves as much as everyone else. They can't be allowed out, and they'll have to be monitored... until they can recover or, just as likely, for the rest of their immortal lives." She sighed as she poured herself another goblet.
The Cullens all stared at one another, aghast. This was worse and more horrifying than any of them could ever imagine.
"We were allowed to speak to Gabrielle for a moment," Esme admitted, lifting her lips momentarily from her chalice. "There's no undoing the damage, at this stage. Jane was hysterical, screaming, writhing, foaming at the mouth. Alec just... he lay there. He barely twitched. His face was so dead. His eyes..." she shuddered. She couldn't help it. Esme took a shaky breath. She set her goblet down as her hands were trembling.
"I don't think there's a way to undo all this damage," Esme whispered.
"The British magical community and its government has sent the best healers that they could, but honestly, I don't think an eternity in a hospital ward is going to be much better for them." Esme said frankly. "It certainly will not erase all the damage that Aro and his cronies have done, he's destroyed them completely." She lifted the goblet to her lips again and drank deeply.
Judging from the tone on Esme's voice, there could be no dispute. Jasper turned, uneasy back to Alice and Bella. Rosalie looked sickened, shivering as Emmett, equally disturbed and upset, placed an arm around her and held her tight.
"Why did the British magical government send aid?" Jasper wondered, aloud.
"Because, even though the situation is far out of their hands and they weren't born back then- actually, the entire magical world hadn't yet separated from the non-magical humans at this stage, they still feel responsible, somewhat, for at least not doing anything to help and reach out to the twins." Esme sighed as she put aside her finished goblet. She shook her head when Rosalie offered her more.
"If they had been born later..." Esme trailed. "They would've assuredly been found by their school of magic, by that stage. They would have been kept safe and trained to harness and control their powers as they grew and matured. The British magical school and government- the Ministry of Magic- is issuing a formal apology on behalf of all the wizards and witches in their country, including those from the past." Her brow furrowed. "Apparently, somehow... it sounds as if they carried a message from those who are long gone by now. Or maybe there are still those who have survived from that era. Gabrielle did mention that wizards and witches, while not immortal, live far longer than ordinary humans." She paused.
"The wizards and witch we've met from Britain- Gabrielle's sister's brothers and sister-in-law- will be among the representatives from the British Ministry of Magic to formally apologise to the twins." Esme explained. "But... it seems as if Lady Laima and the other judges are talking to not only the British magical government, but the American one- called MACUSA- as well."
Rosalie's brow furrowed. "What would the American wizards and witches have to do with the twins? They're not from America."
Esme shrugged helplessly. "I'm afraid I don't know."
Bella is currently torn. Yes, she's angry at Edward, just as she's angry Jacob and Renée. But she's also angry with and blames herself, especially for what she did to Jacob, Charlie, her friends and teachers, and most of all, her daughter, as well as being so blind and allowing them to be mistreated by Edward or Jacob. She knows that neither Edward nor Jacob is trustworthy and reliable, and she knows better than to trust them ever again, but she's also scared. It's a huge step. She's afraid that, like Jasper, she might have given her all for nothing, including her human life and future, her family and friends.
Plus, yes, she still has feelings for Edward. It doesn't die straight away. Now that she can take a break and breathe deeply, she can see that she still has feelings for him. Plus, she remembers what he's done for her, as well as what he's done to her and how happy they were, even though she's beginning- only just- to understand that that happiness was a lie. Besides, what's even worse, was that Edward had genuinely given Bella his all and totally believes that he loves her, so it feels like betrayal and disloyalty on her part too. Plus, what does he have now? Everyone is turning against him. Besides, he warned her numerous times, yet she wanted to become a vampire, she wanted to be with him for eternity and to give up her humanity, and she wanted to have 'a real honeymoon' and to continue with her pregnancy, despite his wishes. And Edward had done everything he could to save her life, even for the wrong reasons. She feels that his heart is in the right place, but it's delusional.
Next Chapter, we get a glimpse of things in La Push and the Vermont Wolves make contact, but we mostly stay in the Old-World Coven and meet Edward during his imprisonment. His trial also begins.
Sorry, no spoilers on Jane and Alec's ultimate fate and the wizards' intentions.