Out Of The Past

Part XX - BEFORE YOU GO

Much of the ride back to the front of the train was made in silence. Neither one of them even dared so much as make eye contact during the ride. But near the end of the trip, in a stretch of the subtrain's track that was the most isolated, Layton suddenly reached up and stopped the car.

It pulled to a stop with it's usual abruptness, and Layton reached out quickly to brace his arm in front of Melanie to keep her from coming out of her seat, not expecting the sudden stop.

Sitting for a moment, Melanie finally settled herself back into her seat.

"Thank you," She said softly.

Layton gave a small sigh before turning to her. "I wanted to talk to you before we got to the engine. Just the two of us."

Melanie quickly turned to see where the second car was, but Layton quickly stepped in.

"I told them we needed a little privacy and to hang back." He explained. "They're about a half a car back." He gave her a small smile. "I guess they still trust you with me."

Two wide, green eyes answered him.

Layton's expression turned to one of concern. "Your two trained pitbulls trusted me." He asked. "Do you?"

The same expression answered him.

"Listen to me, Melanie." He said, capturing her stare and holding on to it almost like a physical force. "I know this is hard...for both of us. But through it all, how ever it comes out, however this ends, I want you to remember one thing for me, all right?"

Melanie gave him a small, quick nod.

"I want you to remember...that no matter what...I will never hurt you. You understand? Nothing...NOTHING...could ever...make me do that."

With her head down, a small voice answered him. "The last thing you said to me was that you wished..."

"And I have regretted that from the moment I said it." Layton quickly cut her off. He didn't want to hear the words repeated back to him. Especially by the person they had been directed at. "I should have told you that that day in the cabin before I left. I didn't mean it."

Regardless of his statement, Melanie kept her head down as she stared at her hands folded in her lap.

"Since you've been down in the Tail," he began, "I started to...do some detective work about what you told me."

"Why?" Came the sole, almost whispered question.

"At first, I guess because I simply didn't want to believe it. I guess...I was hoping if I asked around enough someone would eventually tell me it was a lie."

"And did they?" Came the same soft question.

Layton paused before answering her. "No. Audrey said few people even knew...about what happened in that room." He gave a small, mirthless laugh. "It's hard to ask about something when hardly anyone knows what you're talking about."

Melanie paused herself before speaking again. "There weren't a lot of witnesses." She simply confirmed.

"I've done a lot of thinking over the past few days." He finally continued. "When I wasn't drunk, or angry, or just plain feeling sorry for myself."

"Or hating me." Melanie put in for him.

Layton turned to her, but didn't answer immediately. What had been his near constant companion over the past few days?

"Or hating you." He finally confirmed. "And I wasn't sure what I would do when I finally found you. But soon I found that asking questions about what you told me started to turn to questions of if anyone had just seen you. I didn't know where you were. I didn't know if you were safe, or...suddenly needing to know the truth became just needing to find you."

"And now you have." She replied in the same flat tone she had been using. "What happens now?"

Layton leaned his elbows on his legs as he thought about what to say before turning to her. "I'm still trying to figure this out, Melanie. I'm still trying to figure out where we go from here."

For a while they simply sat like that, neither saying a word. But finally it was Layton who spoke again.

"You are a very remarkable woman, Melanie Cavill." He said slowly, making sure she heard every word. "You have survived things in the past seven years I don't think I ever could have even imagined. I will never regret having met you. I will never regret our friendship. And I will never stop calling you my friend."

Somewhere in his words Melanie heard a finality. One she didn't like, but that she understood and accepted.

"But." She offered softly.

Layton turned to the front of the car first, but then lowered his head before he spoke again, shaking his head slightly. "No 'but'." He replied, turning his stare back to her. "I need time to figure this out, Melanie. To figure out 'where' we go from here. Now that I know you're all right, that you're safe..." He stopped. The last part of this was the hardest for him. Although he didn't mean for it to sound like he was slamming a door shut, for every time he had repeated it to himself, it always sounded that way. "I moved out of the cabin." He finally stated plainly.

He watched for her reaction. But all he could see were the tears beginning to brim in her eyes before she quickly turned away.

"I'm not doing this to hurt you, or abandon you, or punish you." He tried to explain to her. "I just felt...maybe it was time I had my own place. I need to work though this in my own way, Melanie. And I can't do that living with you. I can't do that sleeping in the same bed with you every night anymore."

Melanie kept her eyes fixed on the floor in front of her. "You don't owe me any explanations, Layton." She replied in a small whisper.

"I didn't want you to go back to the cabin without knowing first."

Watching for any reaction from her, all he could see was how deeply that one statement affected her. Likely she felt like he was abandoning her when it was the last thing he was trying to do.

"I want you to know I meant what I said." He told her. "I believe what you told me happened in that room with Josie. I believe you never meant for things to go the way they did." He paused a for moment, waiting for her to respond. But she only continued to keep her attention fixed hard on the front of the car. "I don't believe you ever meant to kill her."

A soft voice answered him. "No. I didn't."

Slowly he reached over and covered her hand with his. "I'm going to miss you."

Melanie gave a small shaky laugh. "It's not like I'm leaving the train, Layton."

Layton sighed as he saw one tear break free and fall to the floor of the car. He squeezed her hand slightly in his. "You now what I mean." He offered quietly. "It's been nearly a year since I moved into the cabin. And while it hasn't all been a cake walk, there are things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss waking up to you every day. I'll miss trying to beat you to the shower, to making sure you eat something before leaving in the morning. I'll miss coming back at the end of a long day and finding you there and...," he gave a small laugh, "...and trying to figure out what the heck that was you made for dinner."

Melanie echoed his laugh just as softly.

"Mostly I'll miss our time together in that nice big bed. I'll miss our 'pillow talk'. I'll miss reading to you. I'll miss your snoring, you're stealing all the blankets at night..." Layton paused for a minute, then turned back to her and added in a quiet whisper, "...I'll miss you."

They sat that way for some time, neither saying anything. But finally Melanie broke the silence.

"Where will you be staying?"

Layton paused before answering her. It wasn't his best option, but it was a logical one.

"For now I'll be staying with Zarah. Since she's pregnant, I feel I should be there. Maybe..., maybe we'll work on our relationship. We should be a family with the baby coming."

Melanie paused for a moment, but then turned back to the floor as she gave a slight nod.

Layton waited for her to say anything, but then spoke up again. "I don't hate you, Melanie." He said. "Don't ever think that. Please, never, ever think that. If you need me, I will be there for you. This train still needs the both of us working together to survive. Things...have changed. But it's not the end of 'us'. Of our friendship."

Melanie gave another small nod, not trusting herself to speak yet. She wasn't totally taken by surprise by his actions. The possibility of his moving out of the cabin had been slowly fighting its way into her thoughts, forcing her to acknowledge the possibility. And now that possibility had become a reality she had to face down.

When she returned to the cabin that night, she would be alone again. All of his things, the articles she had become so accustomed to being there, would be gone.

She gave a small smile as she wondered if he had taken the dresser as well. Or if he had left one thing for her to remember his stay there by.

He had said he wasn't abandoning her. And she didn't doubt that at first he would try to make it seem that way for her. But she doubted that within the month if they would even see each other anymore.

Over the past months, he had learned so much from her. He had come from being a small lamb among wolves as he tried to lead the train, to being a solid force to be reckoned with.

The hard truth of the matter was, regardless of what he said, he didn't need her anymore. He could lead the train and run the counsel meetings well enough without her there.

Maybe it would be best, she told herself, if she turned her counsel seat over to Javi. Allow the third engineer some experience in that area.

She felt the subtrain start up again.

Apparently he had said all he needed to say to her.

Her fingers itched to hit the STOP button again. To have her say this time. To tell him not to do this. That leaving wasn't going to fix anything between them. It never had in the past. To tell him how much she missed him already. How silent and lonely the cabin would be without him there.

She gave a small smile as she thought of how odd it was to have gone from barely being able to tolerate living with him, to not even beginning to be able to imagine what it was going to be like with him gone.

But he had made his decision. And he had made it alone. As it should be.

Again, regardless of what he had said, they weren't in this together anymore. She had destroyed that. Through one impulsive, panicked, illogical act, she had destroyed everything they had built together.

A hand reached up and wrapped itself about the back of her neck. Fingers carefully buried themselves in her hair as they sought out warm skin and gently wrapped themselves about it.

"You OK?" He softly asked her, staring at her in concern.

Melanie gave a slight nod. "It just takes getting used to." She barely replied.

The car slowed this time, coming to a preprogrammed stop. Slowly Layton pulled himself from his seat and got out.

He turned back to her, carefully watching her. "This is my stop." He gently quibbed.

Melanie looked up, glancing around as though memorizing where they were.

"Zarah's place is in this car. Just up the ladder and to the right. It's nice." He added.

Melanie turned to look at him.

An almost forlorned look answered that stare. "But it's cold." He said quietly.

The same silent stare answered him.

"I meant what I said." He told her in a quiet whisper. "I'm not doing this to hurt you or punish you. And I'm not abandoning you. Nothing could ever make me do that."

But he could already feel her withdrawing. It was like watching her beloved engine shutting down. And when he met those expressive, shining green eyes again, there wasn't one spark of life left in them.

That was the last thing he wanted. He didn't want her to go back to being lifeless. To existing just for the train again. To being just an extension of it.

But as he tried desperately to think of something to say, anything to prove to her he wasn't turning his back on her, the car suddenly powered up as she hit the switch and it continued off down the track, leaving him standing there more alone than he had ever felt since boarding the train.

Shortly after the subtrain with the guards also came past, following after her.

Layton stood there for some time staring down the track. Long after the lights disappeared. Long after he could no longer hear the car itself rattling its track chain.

He had meant what he told her. No matter what had pasted between them, no matter how he felt about it, there was simply no way he would ever abandon her.

And as she said, what was she going to do? Leave the train?

They each needed time. There was no question about that. But there was also no easy answer. And he promised himself to check in on her. Make sure she didn't fall back to her old habits. He would take her to dinner occasionally. Keep the lines of communication open.

With a deep sigh he made his feet move, taking him up the steps to first level of the car.

His new home was waiting for him.

A new life.

One he wasn't even remotely sure he wanted.