Chapter 25
Yi Jung's POV
Yi Jung found himself struggling to hold back his feelings. He had let Ga Eul go knowing he was pressuring her, but it was difficult to let her be as if nothing had happened. As if he hadn't completely bared his naked feelings in front of someone for the first time. It felt right that it was Ga Eul.
Thought of her made his heart clench in a painful twist. It was torture to have her in his arms yet out of reach. It was a miserable feeling having to wait for a loved one. Especially knowing that Ga Eul reciprocated his feelings.
For the first time in his life, he felt truly worthy. Of her. Of sharing life with her. He wasn't riddled with guilt but excited. Like life was smiling upon him for the first time. Ga Eul made him feel worthy. Deserving. Safe.
Warm.
He was sure that nothing could ever come close to that feeling. Not even with Eun Jae.
Eun Jae had always looked at him with eyes of adoration like a puppy following its master. She saw him through her rainbow-coloured irises, sure he could never do wrong. It was an exquisite feeling, to be admired like that. Even when Yi Jung knew that her feelings held no true inclination. That one day she would see the wretchedness his heart and soul held.
He had played the outstretched strings of of their friendship until Eun Jae had grown tired of him. He used to warn her at times and try to bring some sense into her in an effort to clear his conscience. But these efforts were meek, and he knew they would never be enough. He still wanted to harbour some of her innocent feelings towards him. So however cruel her departure was, he had always felt like it was deserved. Children were meant to grow up and grow new modified irises—ones that saw the truth even when it wasn't rainbow colored.
Ga Eul knew. From the first moment she saw him, she had seen his true nature. Yet she stayed. There were no reasons for her to stay beside him, but she always did. Not only that, she loved him. She held his hand filling him with love beyond belief. Beyond anything he thought could ever exist. And when she held his hands, it felt better than having it create one of his miracles in clay. The one thing that he thought shaped his identity—his worth—just like that disintegrating into thin air. Paling in comparison to the feeling of holding her hands in his.
How he wished he could tell her all of these things. He would whisper them in her ear in the solace of their own bubble. When it was just him, her and peace.
But, much to his dismay, he held back. Instead, he resorted to his studio in order to keep himself busy and useful while thinking about Ga Eul.
"One bowl of porridge, please." Yi Jung said through a smirk. He had taken a table at the store, after deciding he had given Ga Eul enough time alone. For him, two days were enough. Maybe that wasn't enough for her, but he was selfish like that.
Jan Di came up to his table instead. Yi Jung's eyes furrowed in disappointment.
"You could at least try to hide your feelings. I'm your friend, too. Although I'm not your special type of friend." Jan Di teased.
"Terrific sense of humor." Yi Jung replied.
"Ga Eul's not here today. I'm covering for her."
"Why's that?"
"Today's the death anniversary of her sister." Jan Di said seemingly surprised he didn't know.
"Where's she now? Is she okay?" Yi Jung asked.
"I don't know. It's the only day of the year I'm not allowed to contact her. She promised me before that she wouldn't do anything reckless, and I give her space." Jan Di said.
"These episodes, did they happen a lot? I-I've never dared to ask her." He asked reluctantly.
"They used to when Chun Ja first died. Now, she's okay. Well, mostly. I'm sure you've noticed that her mind just strays away sometimes."
"Do you know where I could find her?" Yi Jung asked.
"I just told you that this is beyond my territory as her friend. I'd suggest you back away today as well." Jan Di said, her tone serious.
"Fine. I still want that porridge though." He said.
"Coming right up."
Yi Jung took on Jan Di's advice. He would've returned to his penthouse hadn't he received a call from his mother begging and pleading with him to come to the family house. His father was there, for the first time in God knows how long, and she wanted them to have a family dinner. Like a lamb to the slaughter, he agreed. He knew better. He had always known better, but that never stopped him from witnessing his mother's desperate acts.
There was a housemaid waiting for him by the door, waiting to take his jacket. She was being obvious, checking him out. Women her age had a certain brazenness when it came to him. Of course, there would be a hint of fear in their eyes, but it was overshadowed by the urge to steal glances like beggars who would knick food to satisfy their hunger. He had always found it pathetic. Their hunger could easily cause their demise. Were he younger than he is now, he would've had her fired. That look, that common look of lust disgusted him sometimes. Now, after years of experience, he had learned to use it to his advantage. But, for younger Yi Jung, it would've reminded him of how much people expected him to be like his father. It didn't help that he had been gifted since birth with rather particular looks.
Creatures of the opposite sex had always expected him to be a hunter on the lookout for his victims, so they had used it as an excuse to be willing prey. Once he had reached the age of fourteen, he hadn't even tried to approach girls. They came to him. Appallingly forward, might he add.
He used to feel corned at first. Scared, even. However, he hadn't admitted that truth to any person. He kept it to himself that he hated being gazed upon as if he were the hunter instead of the prey. He hated their accidental touches. But he wasn't the victim. It was expected of him.
However, that didn't last forever. He had soon learned to turn the situation in his favor. He had used their fascination of him to his pleasure. To manipulate, hurt and break his willing victims. He used to think it was a rather poetic sort of punishment. For him and them. That didn't mean their hungry gazes didn't make him resentful from time to time.
When he joined his family at the dinner table, he realized why they were having a family dinner. His grandfather was sitting at the head of the table in dissatisfaction. He was ashamed of all of them. His grandfather's only shortcoming was his son who was sitting at the table swirling the liquid wine in his glass.
"How lovely of you to join, son." His father said, the only one to first acknowledge his presence.
"Hello, Grandfather." Yi Jung said, bowing to his grandfather. He only replied with a disappointed clicking ticking of his tongue. Yi Jung took the seat beside his mother, the lesser of all evils present. She took his hand under the table and gave it a quick squeeze before he flicked his hand away quickly. An action that didn't go unnoticed by his father.
"Please eat, Father in law. I made sure the cooks made your favourite dishes." His Mother said meekly.
"I didn't think you have the mental capacity to remember. I was surprised you weren't in a hospital today." His grandfather snickered.
"That was just a misunderstanding, Father in law." She replied, her head down.
"Enough!" He said, shouting. "You lot have done your job putting my name through the mud. If I hear as much as a whisper from the two of you causing me another disgrace, I would be sure you would never see your son again."
"Please, Father. Yi Jung is old enough now to do whatever he wants. I'm sure he would be more than happy to leave us without having to threaten us." Yi Jung's father chuckled.
"With due respect to you, Grandfather, but I believe that it is a matter of my own choosing. Mere marital tribulations between my parents have nothing to do with me. As my Father has said, I hold no regard for this family."
"You dare question me, boy?" He threatened.
"I didn't question your decision, but I think involving me in these issues is a waste of my time." Yi Jung said, knowing he was being disrespectful. But after his brother gave up his position in the family, it gave him the leverage to do what he wanted without fearing much of the consequences. After all, he was the only heir left. A card that he would have to use to ensure Ga Eul's happiness and safety in the far future. "Now if you'll excuse me." He said getting up.
"Come back here, boy!" Yi Jung heard his grandfather shout behind his back as he made his way to get out.
He was opening the door to his car when Yi Jung felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning his head, he saw his father.
"You think you're a man now, but don't overdo it." His father said.
"Worry about yourself." Yi Jung said.
"Tell me, son. You would take comfort from her but not your mother? Don't fool yourself, Yi Jung. You had her once and you lost her. There are no second chances. Not for guys like us."
"I'm not taking advice from someone who ruined his own life. Good night." Yi Jung said, getting in his car and slamming the door making sure to drive far away as fast as he could.
Opening the door to the studio, he was surprised to find Ga Eul there. Sitting on the floor in silence hugging her legs by the fireplace.
"You came. I was waiting for you." Ga Eul said, smiling at him.
His heart clenched again. How could existence be so wonderful?, he wondered seeing Ga Eul by the fireplace. He almost felt entirely better seeing her. Knowing that she sought him out first made him feel proud. But he could never admit to her that he felt a tinge of jealousy when it came to Jan Di.
"I wanted to see you. Jan Di said it was Chun Ja's death anniversary." Yi Jung said, sitting on the floor beside her.
"Yes, it was." She said, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"You don't look too well, either. Do you wish to tell me?" She asked.
"For now, I'll be content with having you here." He said, playing with her hair.
"You have the softest hair." He mumbled softly under his breath, enough for her to hear. He could see the creeping redness seeping her cheeks as she covered her face in the shallow of his neck.
"Don't flatter me now. Keep your compliments for after your graduation." She said.
"What?" He asked surprised.
"Let's wait it out. Whatever it is until after you graduate. Only then would I be sure that what we feel is right."
"Ga Eul, you can't—"
"Please, Yi Jung. I don't want to lose you. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet before I start a relationship with you. You, too. I need to make sure our feelings are strong enough to stand a relationship. Who knows? Maybe you'll find someone else to love. We're still too young."
"You'd be okay to see me with someone else?"
"Not exactly okay, but I would do anything that is right for you. What is important for me is your well-being."
"I'm more selfish than that."
"I know. That's why I'm being selfless for the both of us." Ga Eul said. He chuckled his response, but held her tighter. That was all the answer he could utter. He knew she was right, but he didn't feel like admitting it.
Their days had returned to their normal pace with them spending most of their time together. Although the one noticeable difference would be Yi Jung's womanizing days coming to an end. His club outings had become ever so rare, and he'd never been seen with a girl other than Ga Eul or Jan Di. Still, people haven't jumped to any conclusions about Ga Eul. Not yet anyway. And Yi Jung preferred it that way even when he wanted to become more exclusive with Ga Eul. But he didn't want Ga Eul to face the pressure of becoming his rumoured partner.
There is one secret he harboured from Ga Eul. From everyone. But he did so in the protection of Ga Eul. He made sure not to harm Hong Joon to save Ga Eul from feeling guilt towards that insect, but he did make sure that Hong Joon was under his control. Due to that incident, his company was struggling to keep the funding of its new branch afloat, so Yi Jung offered to help him. That was under the condition of him disappearing from Ga Eul's life altogether.
He knew that it wouldn't be enough to eradicate him completely, but it would be enough for now. He had him under a watchful eye. For his peace of mind and Ga Eul's.