And love
Chapter 78 Damned introspection – REDUX
Chapter 78 starts as a duplicate of 77. But then either Jamie or Eddie behaves differently. The theme of Jamie taking all the blame for most everything is common in Jamko (BB) stories. I buy that. But I believe that the cure is a loving, understanding and supportive wife. He has that, now. So, she must play her part; with unswerving diligence. If she does, he will come around. The key is solid, CONSISTENT, loving support. Eddie holds the key to breaking the cycle.
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THE NEXT MONDAY
Cassie skips downstairs, ready for school. Jamie steps out of the home office and stops suddenly in his tracks.
"Cassandra Reagan, turn around and go back upstairs. Put on a decent skirt. Did we not just have a talk-
"Jamie, there is nothing wrong with what Cassie is wearing." Eddie defends her daughter.
"I can almost see-
"Well, sure dad! Get on your hands and knees and you can see the color of my panties!" (Eddie's defense has emboldened her daughter)
Red faced, "Are you kidding me?" Jamie tosses back in exasperated disbelief; as he raises his arm to simply wave it in the air trying to make his point "That skirt is WAY too short!" He snorts.
But as Jamie raises his arm, Eddie finds herself on instinct flinching as if she expected his arm to hit her and in an instant everything changes. The argument about a skirt is forgotten, and Jamie stands there stunned by his wife's reaction.
"Did . . . did you just think I was going to . . . to hit you?" he somehow manages to croak out – he is truly afraid of the answer; but he has to know.
Eddie however quickly tries to cover and compose herself, "Of course not." She quickly tries to reassure him, and maybe herself?
"Eddie." Jamie tepidly begins "You flinched."
"It was nothing." Eddie dismissively promises "I know you would not intentionally hurt me."
"Do you?" Jamie begins to seriously wonder "Because from where I stand, your actions say otherwise."
"Jamie, it was nothing." Eddie soothingly reiterates "I promise."
Listening to his wife, a damning realization hits Jamie. "And that is exactly what a victim of domestic abuse would say," he mutters. He locks his hands together and places them on the back of his neck in the ultimate sign of defeat and regret "Oh god Eddie, you're actually afraid of me!"
"No, Jamie, I'm not!" Eddie promises. She's getting very nervous.
"Oh, yes you are." Jamie insists "And that's my fault. I broke that trust between us. This is on me. 100% on me and I promise you Eddie..." He pleads as he takes a step towards his wife in an attempt to reassure her; but Eddie, again on instinct, counter steps back away from him, causing Jamie to immediately freeze and just stare at her in shock.
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Realizing what she just did, Eddie's eyes go wide in both confusion and then regret before she immediately takes a step back towards her husband. "I don't know why I did that." She reaches out to make contact with her husband as a way to prove she is not afraid of him, but this time Jamie takes a step back out of her reach.
"No, you are." Jamie reiterates in defeat "And I don't blame you."
"Jamie come on." Eddie pleads.
"NO!" Jamie insists "If we are going to get through this, I need you to be 100% honest with me here Eddie. Right here. Right now. Are you afraid of me?" His stare turns hard – she doesn't like it.
For a good long moment husband and wife just stare at one another. Jamie waiting for Eddie to speak and Eddie trying to figure out what to say.
"Come on Eddie." Jamiepleads. "Lying to me and worse lying to yourself right now isn't going to help us. Are you, at least on some level, afraid of me?"
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For another moment Eddie just stares at her husband; then she opens her arms, steps up to him and wraps her arms around his waist. His arms tighten around her shoulders. The embrace isn't totally relaxed though.
"How did we even get here?" She grumbles out in disgust at herself. "Jamie, I AM NOT AFARAID OF YOU! No part, no matter how itty bitty, no matter what level – I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" She emphasizes with a tightening of her squeeze at each word.
"So that's a definite NO?" Jamie reiterates for her. 'Can I really believe this?'
"Yup! Shall I say my vows again? I will . . . wait, those were weird. Maybe we should re-do those? Will that help?" Eddie smiles up at him.
She really wishes he would stop that – there were extenuating circumstances for what happened. She knew that. Jamie knew that. There NEVER are in domestic abuse. Never a reason, never a cause; only excuses.
She was being a loving, forgiving, 'stand by your man in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad times wife', right?
Right? Maybe they should have been old-fashioned right from the start.
They had already put everything to bed – hadn't they? That's what she thought, but now . . . "Eddie." Jamie continues "Come on, look at me." He pleads as he begins to reach out to touch her arm in an attempt to move her back to see her face; but at the last-minute pauses in a gob smacked realization – if his wife was on some level indeed afraid of him, he had no right to touch her without asking permission first. So, gulping down the disgust he now feels for himself, Jamie somehow manages to pose the question "Eddie, I'm going to touch your arm now. Is that okay?"
And it's in that blindsided moment where Eddie realizes exactly how far he had fallen; for her husband was actually asking for her permission to simply touch her arm?
What. The. Hell?
"NO!"
"What?"
"No, you do not have, nor do you need permission to touch my arm. What the hell Jamie? Don't you believe me?" She scowls at him.
"Eddie, you flinched!"
"Yes, I did. That was an instinctual, reflex action. It was not purposeful. Why do you insist on reading intent into it?"
"Well, I-
"Do you, or do your not believe a word I have said?"
He hangs his head.
"Jamie, I know that's not who you are." Eddie quickly adds. "I know you aren't a domestic abuser."
Jamie scoffs a little "You sure about that? Because right now I'm not. But I hit you, Eddie. Twice."
"Well technically the first time you just accidentally knocked me on my ass as you rushed by and..."
"Don't make excuses for me." Jamie interrupts.
"See, that right there is the point I'm trying to make." Eddie continues "You are taking responsibility for your actions; and frankly I don't know of any precedent where a domestic abuser asks permission before touching, or striking. So that right there rules you out from being one."
"Is that your legal opinion?" he challenges.
"If I say yes, can we just put this behind us and move on?" Eddie hopefully inquires.
The smirk immediately disappears off of Jamie's face and he sighs in defeat "I wish we could Eddie, I really do but I don't think it's going to be that simple."
"Why not?"
"Because what happens the next time we get into an argument?" Jamie challenges "Can you honestly tell me right now, if I wave my arms around…" he narrates as he purposefully and quickly raises his arms only to see Eddie not involuntarily flinch this time. Which stuns Jamie.
"Ah, you sere prepared!" He points a finger.
"Of course! It's a process for both of us!" She admonishes.
"You want honesty?" She asks.
Jamie lifts his head to looks at his wife and nods "Yes."
"It can NEVER happen again Jamie." Eddie seriously states "Ever. No matter how bad a day or a case is. Ever. Because it's not just you and me Jamie, it's the example we set for the girls and the boys; and especially with Cassie's history and…"
"Agreed." Jamie immediately interrupts "Never." He promises "And I'm sorry Eddie. I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me and know that I love you!"
Feeling ashamed, Jamie is unable to meet his wife's eye so he instead lifts his head to look up towards the sky as if possibly looking for some kind of divine guidance "That is what a domestic abuser would say."
"Hey." Eddie seriously prompts as she steps back towards her husband "You're not."
"I love you." He sincerely states.
"I love you too!"
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Eddie realizes that this tendency is deep seated. She must with absolute consistency 'stand by her man'.
TBC