Chapter 12: Teacher Audits

"I need to talk to you," Severus said as he walked into the fourth year boys' dorm where Tom was lounging on his bed, looking through his Herbology textbook to try and decide which plant he wanted to write his essay about.

Tom immediately sat up, setting his book aside. He and Severus got along well, often pairing off in classes when they needed a partner, and studying together in the common room every now and then. But Severus was a very quiet and aloof guy who spent a lot of time on his own. This was the first time he'd actually sought Tom out for a chat, as far as he could remember. So, if Severus was insisting that they needed to talk, it was likely about something serious.

"Hey, Severus," said Tom. "What's going on?"

Severus sat down on his bed and faced Tom. "I understand that you and my sister are now… an item."

Oh.

"Oh," Tom said. "So, Lily told you the good news, then?" Tom could scarcely believe it himself. Only a month ago he'd been terrified to ask her on a date, and now they were official. Now she was his girlfriend.

"She did," Severus confirmed. "She was very excited." Tom's heart felt like it was glowing, but he maintained his composure.

"The feeling is mutual," Tom assured him.

Severus nodded. "I can tell she's happy, so I'm happy," he said. Tom smiled. "Now, I like you, Tom. I think you're a good guy."

"I've always liked you too, Severus," Tom said, and he meant it. They maybe didn't talk every day, but he'd always admired Severus. He was smart, he knew what he wanted. He had goals, and he worked toward them. Of course, that was what made him a Slytherin. Sometimes Tom wondered about his own house placement, what his ambitions were.

"But," Severus continued, ignoring Tom's statement. "If you hurt her… If you break her heart…"

"I have no intentions of hurting her," Tom insisted.

"But, if you do," Severus said. "You will not like being my enemy, Tom."

Tom nodded, unoffended by the insinuation. He understood where Severus was coming from. "I would expect nothing less," he said. "But I assure you, I know how lucky I am. The last thing in the world I want is to mess this up."

"Good," Severus said simply. He got up and started to leave.

"Can I ask you something?" Tom said quickly. Severus stopped and turned around. "How much courage did it take for you to have this conversation with me?"

Severus smiled, a rare thing for him. "Honestly? Not much at all. Some people are worth fighting for."

Harry sat on the couch in the Room of Requirement for a long time. He supposed he should be noting the fact that Tom and his mother had officially started their romantic relationship, but all he could think about was his uncle. Even back then, Uncle Severus was a quiet and subdued guy, but he hadn't hesitated to stand up for his sister. He'd loved Lily very much, that was obvious, and her happiness was worth him coming out of his shell. And the only other time he'd known his uncle to be outspoken was the day he marched right into the detention hall and told Umbridge off. The day Harry had told him about the disciplinary practices he'd been enduring at her hands.

Some people are worth fighting for.

Harry repeated the phrase in his mind. Uncle Severus had heard that his nephew was being mistreated, and he didn't hesitate. That had to mean something. That Harry meant more to his uncle than he'd ever been able to express. And all his heroics had gotten him was Umbridge breathing down his neck, as well as the necks of the rest of the Hogwarts faculty. Harry couldn't help feeling responsible, like none of this would have happened if he'd just resigned to fight his own battles. He could only hope that none of his beloved teachers were harmed over the course of the inspections.

"Look alive, people!" said George once Dumbledore's Army had gathered for an important meeting in the Room of Requirement. Once the teacher audits had been announced, Fred and George had wasted no time in making plans. The magpies were sent out with their messages, and everyone was ready to get to work.

"This will be our most ambitious prep session yet," Fred said. "With Umbridge popping up in so many classrooms this week, there's never been a better time to completely overwhelm her with shere volume of pranks."

"Now, we're going to have to stick to smaller scale pranks that can be performed stealthily in a classroom setting."

"But we're going to need a ton of them, as much variety as possible. Keep her on her toes."

"We've got several books to give you inspiration. Start passing them around, find something that resonates with you, and then get practicing."

"You should be able to perform these prank spells in your sleep."

And so Dumbledore's Army got to work. Harry couldn't remember a time when he'd seen a room full of students so eager to comb through books and practice spells until their fingers cramped from the repeated wand work. This was the one good thing to come out of the teacher audits. Umbridge would be making an appearance in every teacher's class at some point during the week, which gave them plenty of opportunity to get under her skin. If luck was on their side, they'd be able to chase Umbridge out of the castle in mere days. But if this didn't work, Harry knew it might be time to admit that Dumbledore's Army was a failure. That nothing could stop Umbridge.

Harry didn't want to think like that, not yet. Not when they'd been handed this chance on a silver platter. So, he picked up a book and started flipping through it.

Soon the whole room was alive with excitement, with everyone showing off the things that they'd learned.

"Check this out! Someone be Umbridge," said Ginny.

"I'll be Umbridge!" Dean volunteered.

Ginny passed him a notebook and quill. "She'll definitely be taking lots of notes," she explained.

Dean accepted the supplies and launched into his Umbridge impression, puffing out his chest and comedically scrunching up his face. "I will have order," he said in a falsetto.

Ginny pointed her wand at the notebook and said, "Pagicus growium."

Dean stared at the notebook. "Nothing happened."

"Oh really?" said Ginny. "Try to write something."

And so Dean did. And as his quill scratched across the paper, the top page of his notebook started to grow. The more he wrote, the longer it got, eventually reaching all the way to the floor and then curling up by his feet.

Dean laughed as he continued to make the page longer and longer. "That's brilliant!" he exclaimed. Everyone applauded Ginny's efforts.

"Umbridge is going to freak," Fred said delightedly.

"Who's next?" asked George.

Lee Jordan promptly volunteered to show the spell he'd been working on, while Katie Bell volunteered to be his Umbridge.

"Okay, pretend you're pacing around the room," said Lee. Katie stuck her nose in the air and began to slowly walk around, pointedly locking eyes with everyone as she passed. Lee pointed his wand at the floor in front of her and said, "Soapify!"

"Woah!" Katie said, breaking character as her feet began to slide like she was walking on ice. She pinwheeled her arms, barely managing to stay upright. Everyone laughed and cheered.

"Umbridge absolutely would have fallen flat on her behind!" Seamus declared.

"That's something I'd pay to see," said George.

Hannah Abbott was next, with Susan Bones as her Umbridge. Susan clutched a notebook and quill in her hands and glanced around disapprovingly at her fellow students. Hannah pointed her wand at the quill while saying, "Celebratum." When nothing of note happened, Susan pretended to take notes. The moment the quill touched the paper, confetti exploded in her face.

"Ahh!" Susan screamed as Hannah cracked up laughing.

"Man, I wish I could be in the room to see every single one of these in action," Fred mused.

"Who's next?" asked George.

This went on for a while, with everyone taking turns showing the others what they planned to do to get back at Umbridge. Then it was time to work out the schedule, based on which classes Umbridge was visiting, and who would be present in each class.

"Okay, Ginny, I think you should stick to your classic bat bogey hex," Fred said. "It's your signature move, and I can attest from personal experience that it's incredibly unpleasant."

Ginny nodded, seeming quite pleased with herself.

"So that leaves Collin with the notebook page jinx, do you feel comfortable with that?" George asked.

"Absolutely," Collin Creevey confirmed. Not that anyone needed additional motivation to take Umbridge down, but he had been extra radicalized against her after she'd stuck Dennis in detention and shocked him with her quill.

"Great," said Fred. "So, I think you should start with that, and then when she's hit the peak of her frustration over her growing notebook, Ginny, that's when you strike."

"Moving on to Potions with the fifth years," George said after checking the schedule.

"Harry, it might be best for you to sit this one out," said Fred.

"Oh," Harry said, surprised.

"Not that we wouldn't love your spellcasting expertise," George said quickly. "It's just that… Well, you might have noticed that Umbridge seems to have it in for you, mate."

"Yeah, I've started to pick up on that," said Harry.

"She's going to be expecting something from you," Fred explained. "She's going to be watching you like a hawk. Maybe even more than she's watching Snape."

"It'll be tough for you to get a good opportunity to act," George said.

"Yeah, you're probably right," Harry conceded. He hadn't thought about it that way, but it likely was going to be pretty tough for him to be stealthy.

"But you'll still be helping," Fred said. "We should be able to use that to our advantage. Your very presence will be a distraction, giving your classmates plenty of good opportunities to do what they need to do."

"Seating arrangements will be important," said George. "Those of you pulling off the pranks should spread out a bit, but sit as far as you can from Harry without arousing suspicion. When Umbridge's attention is on Harry, that's when you strike."

All in all, it was the longest meeting they'd ever had, but everyone left fired up and ready to take Umbridge down.

It seemed to Harry that Umbridge chose to audit his uncle during his class time on purpose, which led him to believe that she had no intention of making it a pleasant experience. He was trying to keep his anger in check as he entered the Potions classroom on the day of the inspection, knowing that an outburst from him would only make things worse. He chose a table at the front and off to the side, figuring it would be easier for those pulling pranks to do so sneakily from the back of the room. Ron and Hermione joined him, as it would be suspicious for him not to sit with them. The two of them were also abstaining from pranks, but that still left plenty of their fellow Gryffindors to handle things.

"I feel awkward sitting in the front," Ron complained.

"Who knows, Ron? Maybe you'll find that it was the secret to brewing better potions all along," said Hermione.

"Like I'm going to be able to focus on anything with Umbridge's big old toad face leering about."

"Shh," Harry said quickly as Umbridge walked through the door and made herself at home, looking through shelves of potion ingredients and scribbling away in her notebook.

"She's early," Hermione said. The three of them and some of the other members of Dumbledore's Army had arrived early to ensure they were all well positioned to put their plans into action, but they hadn't expected Umbridge to show up yet. Uncle Severus hadn't even arrived.

Before he knew what he was doing, before he could stop himself, Harry stood up out of his seat and walked right up to Umbridge. "Is there something I can help you find, Professor?"

"Mr. Potter," Umbridge said by way of greeting. She seemed to be in a good mood. Harry hoped that was about to change. "This is your class is it?" As if she didn't already know.

Harry smiled politely. "Yes, it is. We're looking forward to having you today."

Umbridge snorted. "That's a lie if I've ever heard one. But don't worry, no detention today, I'll let it slide for now. I'm just doing a little inspection of the classroom while I wait for class to start. Why don't you head back to what I'm sure is your usual seat."

Harry stiffened but stayed where he was. He lowered his voice as he said, "What do I need to do?"

Umbridge raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure I don't follow, Mr. Potter. Perhaps you're confused? I'm not the lecturer for this class, I'm merely here to observe. You'll have to wait until Professor Snape arrives to get some instruction. If he's competent enough to provide any."

Harry exhaled through his nose. "What do I need to do to get you to leave my uncle alone?" he clarified. "I know it's me you want, I just don't know why. What do you want me to do to get him out of this?"

"I don't want anything from you right now, Mr. Potter," Umbridge said with a smirk. "You've given me plenty. Reasons to create more educational ordinances, a reason to assert my authority over every teacher in this school, what more could I want?" Harry's heart sank, knowing she was right. Everything they'd done to try and get back at Umbridge so far had only made things worse. "No, you're off the hook for now. I want something from someone else this time."

"What does that mean?" Harry asked. But before she could answer, if she even planned to answer, Uncle Severus entered the room. He immediately locked eyes with Harry, his eyes narrowing when he saw who his nephew was having a chat with in the corner of his classroom.

"Take your seats," Uncle Severus said to the room, though he was still looking at Harry when he said it. Harry hurried back to the table, his uncle still looking at him with suspicion as he saw which table he'd chosen for the day. "Today you will all begin brewing a strengthening solution, a potion that will grant the drinker immense strength. It is brewed in two different phases, requiring a few days in between to mature. We will therefore begin with phase one, and complete the second phase later this week." He waved his wand at the chalkboard which began to write out the instructions for phase one. "Instructions are on the board. Begin."

The students knew the drill, and began by heading to the shelves to grab the necessary ingredients. All the while, Umbridge continued to write in her notebook. It seemed odd to Harry that she would have found so much to say about the class already. But as they returned to their stations to begin brewing their potions, Umbridge approached Uncle Severus, her quill ready.

"So, a strengthening solution?" Umbridge asked, though it wasn't much of a question.

"It's standard fifth year curriculum," Uncle Severus said.

"Interesting." Umbridge scribbled something in her notebook. Uncle Severus scowled. "And, what precisely is the function of the strengthening solution?"

Uncle Severus already seemed fed up with her questions, but he said, "The function is to increase one's strength when consumed."

"I see." Umbridge wrote out more notes. "Does this apply only to physical strength, or could it increase the strength of spells if cast while under its influence as well?"

"It could have an influence on both," Uncle Severus said, his jaw stiffening.

"Is that so? Do you think it's wise to teach such a thing to impressionable youth?"

"It's standard fifth year curriculum," Uncle Severus said once again.

"Well, we may have to fix that," said Umbridge. "I'm not sure the Ministry would approve of such a thing. It seems like it could be quite dangerous if such a potion were to get into the wrong hands." Harry assumed that he and Umbridge likely had a very different idea of whose hands might be the wrong ones.

"Perhaps," Uncle Severus said simply. "But for now… it's standard fifth year curriculum."

"So I've heard," Umbridge said with a nasty grin.

"Harry," Hermione whispered, pulling his attention away from their conversation.

Harry realized he hadn't even started his potion, which was bound to be noticed eventually. He glanced up at the board and began prepping his ingredients as instructed, though his attention continued to be divided between his classwork and the conversation happening in front of him.

"I'd like to have a look at the curriculum for each level," Umbridge was saying. "Write up the syllabi for me and have them on my desk at your earliest convenience."

"That can be arranged," Snape said stiffly.

"POTTER!" Umbridge exclaimed suddenly.

"Ow!" Harry said as he jumped, causing the knife he was using to chop up some porcupine quills to slip, nicking himself in the thumb.

"Harry, you're bleeding," Hermione said, concerned.

Ron, on the other hand, was covering his face, trying to hide his laugh, and Harry soon saw why. He looked up at Umbridge to see that the little pink hat she often wore atop her well primped hair had suddenly grown to multiple times its original size and was now large enough to cover her entire head. It seemed that the pranking had begun and, as Fred and George had predicted, Umbridge had immediately blamed Harry.

"Let me see, Mr. Potter," Uncle Severus said as he walked up to Harry's side. Harry held out his injured thumb for his uncle's inspection. "Just a shallow cut." He pointed his wand at Harry's thumb and said, "Episkey." The cut healed itself instantly.

"Thank you, Professor," Harry said. Uncle Severus nodded.

"Never mind your silly flesh wound," Umbridge said. She'd managed to shrink her hat back to its original size and was placing it back on her head with a huff. "If you think your uncle is going to be able to protect you from me after that stunt you just pulled-"

"If I may, I hardly see how Mr. Potter could have done it given that he was in the middle of cutting ingredients at the time. Hence the 'flesh wound' after your sudden outburst," said Uncle Severus. Harry smiled, finding that hearing his uncle stand up for him didn't get old.

Umbridge was aghast as she turned back to Uncle Severus. "My outburst? How dare you! If it wasn't Potter, who did it, then?"

"I've no idea," Uncle Severus said flatly. "Shall we launch a full scale investigation?"

"Are you mocking me, Severus?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, Delores."

"Are injuries common in your classes?" Umbridge asked, her notebook and quill back out.

"Not generally, no," Uncle Severus replied, his annoyance becoming quite evident in his voice.

"Because I hope you're taking proper safety precautions," Umbridge continued as if she hadn't heard. "I understand that potion brewing can be quite dangerous if not done properly. I'd hate to have to report to the Ministry that a certain Potions professor isn't maintaining proper safety standards in his classroom."

Harry had heard enough. He didn't care that he wasn't meant to be participating in any of the pranking during their class. He simply couldn't sit idly by while Umbridge threatened his uncle any longer. With fury in his eyes, he pulled his wand out of his pocket as discreetly as he could, aimed it at Umbridge from under the table, and whispered, "Croakify," before quickly hiding his wand under his leg.

Umbridge wasn't done speaking, but as she opened her mouth to continue, all that came out was a loud, toad-like croak. She paused, confused, then tried to speak again, only to emit yet another croak. Her face turned red as giggles broke out around the room. It was clear that she wanted desperately to yell as she tried to fight through the jinx Harry had cast on her, and was starting to sound like a toad under attack. She looked at Harry with fury in her eyes and pointed at him. He could only guess at what kind of choice words would be coming out of her mouth if she wasn't croaking instead.

"What was that, Professor? I can't understand you," Harry said.

In a blind rage, Umbridge snatched up her things and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. Everyone cheered.

"Settle down," Uncle Severus said. "Get back to work." The class finally calmed down and resumed brewing their potions, though there was quite a bit more chatter going on than was usual during a Potions class. "A quick word, Mr. Potter."

Harry stood up and joined his uncle at the front of the class.

Uncle Severus lowered his voice as he said, "That was a dangerous stunt you pulled just now."

"I know," Harry said simply.

"I do not need you to fight my battles for me. You know as well as I do how dangerous that woman can be."

Harry paused for a moment before saying, "Some people are worth fighting for." He saw his uncle furrow his brow, seeming to wonder where he'd heard that before as his nephew returned to his seat.