Chapter 75 – Relationships Pt. 2

- 2 days before the start of the war. -

With difficulty, I dragged myself forward, the images of my nightmare my only motivation. Before we could even get close to the bookshelves, the librarian had already taken a look at us. An elderly woman with chocolate brown eyes and blond-gray hair pinned up, wearing a floor-length forest green dress. If it weren't for the runes peeking out from under the hem of her dress, she could have passed for an ordinary person. She introduced herself as Alandra Gladstone and after we explained our request, in less than fifteen minutes she put together a list of all the books that could possibly help us with our research.

"Don't get your hopes up too high," she warned us after we had a quick first glance at the long list. "I know the legends better than some members of the Brotherhood. But I would bet my life that you won't find any clear answers in my halls. Clues, if anything. Only the Silent Brothers are in possession of the most important works of our ancestors. If they don't know the Mirror's location, then the list won't help you either."

"That sounds extremely motivating," Isabelle snorted bitterly as soon as we were out of earshot.

Unlike her, I didn't let Alandra's pessimism influence me. "Maybe she's just too proud to admit that this library holds secrets that even she doesn't know. Jace and Alec are already with the Brothers. Two are better than one."

The majority of the books on the list were close together, in the same section. Since the probability of finding what we were looking for was significantly higher there, we decided to start there. The first two hours of our literature research passed in silence. We divided the books up among ourselves and worked through them with mechanical autonomy. Page by page, book by book. It was always the same process: go through the table of contents and index, if there was one, read the relevant passages and resignedly move on to the next tome.

At some point, I must have already gone through dozens of books, white shadows began to dance in front of my eyelids. I could feel my concentration slipping away – as if it were a stretched rubber band that was now straining against its holder. Blinking, I raised my head to look around and felt as if I was waking from a trance. I could hardly remember the last books, or even what I had read. Had I even looked through them thoroughly? My exhausted eyes darted to the two stacks on my left and, sighing, I reached out for the first book I found to examine it again – this time with more attention.

Isabelle's voice, somewhere behind me, beat me to it. "You've already read it," she said in a tone that made it clear she was only seeing me out of the corner of her eye. Before I could open my mouth in protest, she continued. " Twice."

I squeezed my eyelids tightly shut, as if that would put out the burning in my eyes. "I can't find anything." My mutter sounded more frustrated than I wanted to let on. I ignored the hysterical sharpness that was fighting its way to the surface. "Just the same old legends and stories that I've heard a dozen times. Always a little different, always told by someone else."

"Almost everything is second-hand," Isabelle agreed. "It reminds me a bit of the Bible. It's like we're searching for records from Jesus himself, but in reality, none of the tellings come directly from him. Jonathan Shadowhunter didn't have time to write anything down during the founding period. His descendants did it all."

It was true. All the stories, even though they were illuminated from various perspectives, lacked the concise details that only someone with a first-hand view would notice. Of course, Jonathan Shadowhunter had passed on his knowledge, and he had certainly recounted on his encounter with Raziel, but he hadn't written much of it down himself and from his point of view.

"It can't be that this huge, goddamn library has nothing to offer," I burst out cursing, the rage boiling inside me almost unbearable. With a dull thud, I slammed the book shut in my lap and had to clench my fingers to keep from throwing it across the hallway.

"I haven't found anything yet either, and yes, it's annoying, but that's exactly what we came here with in mind." Isabelle got up from the polished mahogany table where she had been reading until now and sauntered over to me. Unlike her, I had made myself comfortable on the floor, the unread books spread out around my body like a lifebuoy. The copies that had proven useless rested in two piles out of my field of vision.

"I still hoped that in all the arrogance of the Clave over the centuries, maybe something has been overlooked. Just a small sentence, a word that could be understood as a metaphor. Something." But there was nothing. No ambiguities. Just Jonathan Shadowhunter, Raziel and the two Mortal Instruments. No room for interpretation.

"Me too," she admitted, laughing shrilly. "It would be a real relief to be able to do something about this chaos." She pushed the books aside and leaned against the shelf next to me. Her light rose scent wafted over to me and I couldn't help but close my eyes.

"How are you feeling about that? The possible end of the Nephilim, I mean. You always seem so composed, like even my father's most sadistic plan wouldn't impress you." The fact was that I'd been so preoccupied with myself lately that I'd neglected everything outside of my immediate bubble. Especially since Jace and I had gotten closer, everything else had somehow faded into the background. Not intentionally. Between the constant fear of Jonathan and Valentine and the whole thing with Blake, I'd lacked the energy for more interaction. I could only hope that Isabelle wouldn't hold it against me.

"I don't think I've fully grasped the whole thing yet," she said carefully. "Unlike you, this war isn't personal for me. I'm prepared for it, just like I am for any other battle."

"Have your chances in a fight ever been as bad as this time?" My forced teasing tone revealed the seriousness of the situation.

"Of course not," she replied, clearing her throat as if she was trying to force herself to continue. "But the stakes have never been higher. This war could turn the tide for my parents. They could finally stop paying for crimes they already deeply regret."

"There's more," I said quietly, relying on my gut feeling to make this assumption. Isabelle was no longer a stranger to me, even if her world was mostly filled with intoxicating emotions.

"This war ..." Isabelle sighed, and this time there was nothing melodramatic or staged in the sound. "It cost me a relationship that meant a lot to me."

My brain started to rattle on its own, trying to make sense of her words but not understanding them. What was she implying? I knew little about her life in New York before I had shown up. "I don't quite understand," I finally admitted.

"As you may have noticed, we actually get along pretty well with the Shadowworlders in New York," Isabelle said, but she didn't look at me, instead she stared straight at the shelf in front of us. Now that she was sitting so close to me, I could suddenly see the cracks in her facade.

Her mascara had left slight smudges on the bags under her eyes. Her teeth had absentmindedly sunk into her lower lip. Many of her fingers showed scratches around the nails. And her general demeanor – she was feeling terrible. How had I not noticed this before?

Because you're always focused on yourself, a steely voice in my head said, reproachful and accusatory. This fact shocked me so much that I almost missed Isabelle when she continued.

"Of all of us, I had the best connection with them," she explained, and something that sounded suspiciously like longing crept into her tone. "Alec always avoided company and with his mad ideas, Jace quickly made himself relatively unpopular in the Underworld. But as Parabatai they always had each other. That meant I spent a lot of time outside the Institute and made my first real friends there."

Now that Isabelle had mentioned the Underworld, something suddenly clicked in my brain. "Meliorn," I breathed. The way she twisted her face was answer enough. I sat up in surprise and she turned her head in my direction to assess my reaction. Her chestnut brown irises were alert and on guard, as if she feared my judgment. Seeing Isabelle so unsure at all threw me halfway. Usually, she was the light in every room, the music around which everything revolved, the heart of every interaction. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Were you just friends or ... more?"

"We were everything and nothing at the same time," Isabelle murmured timidly.

The statement hit me in the chest like a galloping horse running over me. Of course, there had been something. All the hints she had dropped.

How she had defied the Faerie Queen at the Seelie Court. I know some fey. I know they would never agree to that. The Queen had even dropped his name in response, with that wickedly knowing smile on her red lips. But at the time I had been so distracted by her revelations about my family that I hadn't paid it much attention.

How she had dressed up for the ball, her eyes shining, so excited about the event. Meliorn will be sorry he didn't persuade the Seelie Queen to join us. Only to throw herself around Raphael Santiago's neck as if she wanted everyone to see her with him. All her comments about Meliorn had been hints. I hadn't taken them seriously – hadn't understood that there was real pain behind her taunts.

I realized that she had mentioned his name so many times and I had never once responded or even asked who he was. For someone who had been raised to read people, I was a terrible friend.

"We were never a couple or anything like that. Our connection was purely physical at first and developed into something more over time. Not ... like you and Jace or how you would normally imagine. Even with me, he never completely shed that mysterious fairy way. But I know he felt something for me, no matter what the Seelie Queen says. Even if it was only in his fairy, twisted way."

"And because of the faeries' alliance with my father, you can no longer see each other," I concluded.

Isabelle nodded. "The last time I saw him was the day before the attack on the Institute. It was just a few fleeting hours to escape all the commotion caused by your arrival. I never thought ... that it could be the last time I see him. We didn't even say a proper goodbye because he was called away."

"I'm so sorry, Isabelle," I whispered, hesitantly putting my arm around her shoulder. She leaned into me, resting her head against mine. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that her eyelids were tightly squeezed together, as if she was fighting a rush of emotions inside. "I'm sorry for being such a bad friend to you. I ... should have realized how you were feeling much sooner."

"There's no need to apologize," she murmured, barely audibly. Her mouth was only half open as she spoke. " Usually, you don't have to drag things out of me. I could have confided in you much sooner. I ... I don't know, I was hoping that the Queen would reconsider her alliance. Or that the faeries would oppose her decision. But she was right. He's only a half-fey, he can lie. What do I know about him? His loyalty is certainly not to me. I'm just a Shadowhunter."

Just a Shadowhunter sounded completely wrong and foreign to me. Because usually we were the ones who said exactly that about others. We were the superior and better and the Shadowworld had to bend to our minds. Not that I shared that opinion, but that was the way things had been for most of our history.

"If we emerge victorious from this war, we will not make peace with the faeries." I didn't want to say the truth, but I knew no way around it. Giving her false hopes would only hurt her more later.

Isabelle nodded again. "I know. There would never have been a future between us anyway. It was idiotic of me to tell myself otherwise. From my perspective, we are equal, but not from his. The Seelie Queen wouldn't tolerate it anyway. Let alone my parents."

"Do the faeries think they are better than us?"

"Many Shadowworlders have nothing but contempt for us, just as many Shadowhunters have for them. This hatred is hard to shake off. Being friends with us is one thing, but calling a Shadowhunter your lover is met with contempt in some corners, even in cosmopolitan New York. The prey doesn't go to bed with its hunter, or so their logic goes."

"I always had the feeling that the fronts were slowly thawing," I admitted, gritting my teeth. Probably another misinterpretation on my part.

"In our bubble, maybe." A half-grin crept onto Isabelle's face. "There's a reason why Luke, Raphael and Magnus are on the Council and not anyone else. They're some of the few who believe that we can be treated as equals. Without them, this alliance wouldn't exist and we'd all be screwed."

That made sense. As a former Nephilim, Luke was in a unique position to be able to empathize with both sides of the centuries-old conflict. His cooperation and commitment were so much more valuable than Imogen gave him credit for. Without him, she would have lost control of the Clave long ago.

"Do you think your parents would have something against Meliorn?"

"They were both in the Circle, remember?" She didn't seem proud of this fact.

"Of course not, but you said they regret it."

"They do. But just because they no longer seek to destroy the entire Downworld doesn't mean they would now invite the Shadowworlders to coffee."

I couldn't even conjure up the image of introducing a Shadowworlder to my father as someone I associated with. Impossible. Unthinkable.

Isabelle looked at me and her expression brightened a little. "They wouldn't freak out," she finally admitted, obviously also having a thought of her own that made her smile. "They would think it was a phase that would eventually pass on its own. And as long as it lasted, they would hide behind a cloak of ignorance. Because, in their minds, a Shadowworlder wouldn't even be a serious consideration."

"That sounds sad."

Isabelle shrugged her shoulders. "Many people from our parents' generation think like that. They keep quiet about the subject and think that it will go away on its own. If we fall in love with Shadowworlders, we are labelled as experimental and our tastes as exotic. It's not taken seriously because once you reach marriageable age, you are pressured to find a more suitable partner."

I knew that. I knew the recent history of our people pretty much inside out. Arranged marriages had been common only a few generations ago. Even in my parents' age group, some of them still did. It was no secret that names like Herondale, Blackthorn, or Carstairs were associated with prestige and wealth. These families had built up their influence over centuries. Not so long ago, the Lightwoods had also been part of this elite. Valentine's Circle had destroyed that.

"Sooner or later, someone will have to break this vicious circle."

"Well, I certainly won't." Isabelle almost laughed, although the sound didn't sound at all amused. Just frustrated and defeated. Before I could ask, she grabbed my hand and clasped it in hers. "Whatever he feels for me, it's not enough. It's not enough to make a difference."

Isabelle's fingers were cold against my skin and I instinctively squeezed them, covering them with my other hand. "Then he's not the right one, Isabelle. You deserve so much more. You need someone who adores you. Could you even live with less than one hundred percent?"

"It would torture me," she admitted quietly, lowering her gaze. "I want to be loved." She sighed deeply and melancholically. "I want someone who looks at me like Jace looks at you. Or like Alec Magnus. Or–"

I choked on my breath and Isabelle jumped in shock. A surprised cough shook me and when I stared at her with dilated pupils, she laughed. "Alec and Magnus? Magnus Bane?" Or was there another Shadowhunter named Magnus that I had simply never met?

Isabelle giggled so amused that she had to put a hand on her stomach. Her eyes radiated their typical warmth and in an instant she had transformed back into the version of herself that I was familiar with. "Yes, Magnus Bane," she said conspiratorially, then clasped my arm and leaned towards me as if she were confiding a closely guarded secret. "Alec may think that no one notices his silent pining, but he isn't exactly subtle. And I'm his sister. Of course I can see when he makes a fool of himself in his inept attempts at flirting."

"He's flirting?" My jaw dropped. I couldn't imagine Alec doing this, even for the life of me. An image that was even harder to conjure up than Imogen with a warm smile on her lips. And that was already damn difficult.

"Not that he would notice. But his subconscious knows exactly what it's doing. And Magnus knows it too." Her irises sparkled mischievously.

"Wait what– Magnus is responding?!" My voice rose several octaves in amazement.

"And how he does!" Isabelle's giggle had now turned into a loud laugh. Tears ran down her cheeks and the sight of her sent me over the edge. I burst out laughing.

We were still laughing loudly when Alandra Gladstone's head suddenly appeared at the end of the corridor. She peeked out from behind the bookshelves, pressed her index finger to her closed lips and reminded us with a reproachful hiss to keep our voices down. For the moment it took for her to disappear behind the books like a blowing wind, we were as quiet as a mouse. Then Isabelle had to press a hand over her mouth to prevent us from being thrown out.

"From now on, I won't be able to think of anything else when I see the two of them together." The thought amused me.

"Don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to stare at them tomorrow night." When I raised my eyebrows questioningly, Isabelle showed me her teeth with a smile. A mischievous look crossed her features. "Since we had to skip the last party thanks to your annoying brother, I'm throwing my own tomorrow."

A sound that was both a strangled gurgle and a muffled laugh burst from my throat. Isabelle tilted her head and then tugged lightly on my arm, which she was still holding. "Come on, Clary, it's one night. Possibly your last chance to go to a teenage party. Don't even bother arguing against it, because I've already thought of a counter for each of your objections."

"And what about training? And preparing for battle? There's still so much to do." Not that I didn't feel like partying. I'd only been to one party in my life, and it had ended in a kidnapping. But until Adam had ruined the entire evening, I'd been happy. Before the alcohol had turned me into a defenseless victim, its effects in my veins had felt good. I'd put aside my worries and fears for one night and just had fun. I'd finally been able to reveal my feelings to Jace.

Isabelle rolled her eyes as if my doubts were a minor matter. With a dismissive wave of her hand, she continued, "Dance the night away, get drunk – whatever you want. We're Shadowhunters, remember? We have runes that save us from sleep deprivation or hangovers."

"A sleep deprivation rune only postpones tiredness, that doesn't help," I replied, only half invested.

Isabelle, who had noticed my dwindling defense, prepared for the final blow. "But it also shortens the time you need to recover afterwards. Besides, I'm talking to Clary freaking Morgenstern, aren't I? You can just invent a better rune."

The look I gave her was dripping with sarcasm, but I had to admit defeat. "Fine. As long as we stop wasting time talking nonsense and get down to work, I can live with a few hours of partying."

Isabelle squealed with satisfaction and threw herself around my neck. When another admonishing hiss reached our ears from far away, she twisted the corners of her mouth unrepentantly. All that mattered was that she would get her way and that I would go to a party tomorrow. At least some change from this dreary everyday life. And from the way Isabelle looked, she would do anything to make it just that: a colorful, dazzling, explosive change.

Or the final, fanfare-accompanied closing act that ushered in an ending without a happy ending.

Hi!

Taylor Swift was AMAZING! If you have the chance, go and see her! I really loved her performance and all the special effects were really cool, too.

What do you think about his chapter? Clary and Isabelle sitting down for a talk was long overdue in my opinion. :)

It's peak-summer-time so I'll be heading out of Germany for a month of vacation next Saturday. I'll probably have good enough internet to update though, so don't worry. Do you have plans for the summer, or are you maybe already on a trip? :)

See you on Thursday

Skyllen