A comely girl was standing in front of me.
She was a living violation of the school dress code. Her skirt was too short, and the top three buttons of her shirt were undone, revealing a bit of the smooth fair skin of her collarbones. Her light orange hair, which she wore in a loose side bun, almost matched the color of her eyes.
I can't shake the feeling I've already seen her somewhere, but I got zero idea where. She looks like a typical riajuu, and this fucking school and whole Chiba in general are full of them, so the range of places I where I could have met her is pretty wide.
«You need something?» I asked, raising my eyebrow questioningly.
My words seemed to get the girl out of her funk. She almost jumped away from me and started blubbering and gesticulating her hands funnily:
«No! I mean, yes! I mean…»
With every word, she was getting more and more quiet, flushing and lowering her eyes to the floor like a sad kicked puppy. I just stood there in the doorway, blinking at her and trying to understand what the hell she needed. My attempts were fruitless.
Come on, give some normal god damn answer already!
«Hikigaya, don't stand in the doorway.» Yukinoshita scolded me, breaking the awkward silence. «Let her in.»
I sighed and returned to my place, throwing myself on the chair. The poor object of furniture cracked under my weight loudly.
The riajuu girl walked into the room, looking around warily, like she was stepping into a viper's nest. Though, I guess it wasn't far from the truth. Yukinoshita's voice often carries so much venom that it only takes a minute of average interaction with her to kill a man.
The unknown girl took a seat, eyeing us nervously.
«You're Yuigahama Yui from class 2F, aren't you?» To my surprise, Yukinoshita recognized the girl almost instantly.
Wait, she's from class 2F? So, we are classmates?
Hearing her name from Yukinoshita, Yuigahama instantly beamed with joy, despite her previous irresolution.
«You know my name?!» She was excited to hear that, like the fact that Yukinoshita recognized her made her more important in the eyes of society.
«Yeah, didn't expect it from you.» I turned to Yukinoshita.
She closed her eyes and exhaled in annoyance.
«I know a lot of people in this school.» She said sardonically. «A lot of people and only one total trash, that is.»
For some reason she just can't stop insulting me, even after my fit of rage during our first conversation. Does it mean that I'm losing «Scary Hikki», one of my 108 unique skills?
«Well, fuck you too, Yukinoshita.» I retaliated without much thought.
By the way, I just noticed something. When did Yukinoshita and I drop honorifics?
Though, I suppose using them seems ridiculous when she affronts me at every single opportunity and I tell her to go fuck herself.
«That was super mean, Hikki!» Yuigahama pointed her finger at me accusingly, with indignation clear in her voice.
Oh, right, Yuigahama has no idea that such exchange of harsh words is normal for me and the Ice Queen. Throughout the week that I've spent there, there hasn't yet been a day when she didn't do me down and I didn't fight back by cursing at her. At some point Yukinoshita even gave up on weaning me off endless swearing in her presence, which I considered my little victory.
«Don't sweat it, Yuigahama-san.» Yukinoshita coolly waved her off. «I long accepted the fact that this oversized worm is incapable of having a decent conversation.»
I should admit, «oversized worm» is a fine addition to the collection of the insults I've been called. Come to think of it, it should probably take the second place between «vicious maggot» and «autistic six-weeks-premature-monkey» in the contest of originality.
«I'm a very fucking decent conversationalist, I assure you.» I growled, stretching. «It's just that I don't find any pleasure in talking to you, Yukinoshita.»
The Ice Queen just gave me a cold haughty glance.
«Good. I don't talk to entertain the likes of you, Hikigaya. Your brains are too primitive to value our conversations anyway.»
I've opened my mouth to call her a contemptuous bitch, but Yuigahama was faster.
«You're having so much fun here!» She even clasped her hands in awe.
Me and Yukinoshita both turned our heads to look at her in utter disbelief. Our exchange of insults could be called anything but «having fun», and yet Yuigahama's peach-reddish eyes were full of delight at our bickering. This girl is weird.
Though, I guess all of riajuu are. The common sense in their heads is mostly replaced with a strange vulnerability to peer pressure.
«We? Having fun?» Yukinoshita voiced out our mutual doubts about Yui's sanity.
«Yeah!» Yuigahama affirmed, nodding actively. «Hikki is usually scary. Everyone in the class is afraid of talking to him, so he sits alone and never speaks.»
Wow, so «Scary Hikki» is still working! That's good to hear.
«During our first year Hayato tried to have a talk with him, but Hikki was in the bad mood and told him to go away. But here with you he's totally different!»
Of course I'm different here. Nobody in my class is dumb enough to disturb me in any way, so I don't need to talk to them at all aside from group projects forced upon me by the Japanese education system and Hiratsuka-sensei as its authorized representative.
On the other hand, Yukinoshita for some unknown reason seems eager to get a rise out of me. I'm gradually building up an immunity to her belittlement, but she gets more and more creative, so it can potentially lead to another fit of rage on my part. I'd prefer for it not to happen since, as I have already mentioned, I don't like lashing out at girls.
«Well, it could be expected of him.» Yukinoshita said, massaging her temples. «Anyway, what's your purpose here, Yuigahama-san?»
Yuigahama suddenly got nervous and started flushing again.
«Hiratsuka-sensei told me that this club fulfills the students wishes.»
Ha! If it were so, my first wish would be to never even come near this clubroom again.
«No.» Yukinoshita shook her head. «We don't fulfill anyone's wishes. We simply provide help for them to do it by themselves.»
«Oh, I get it now.» Yuigahama nodded in understanding, though for some reason I thought she didn't actually understand shit. Well, not my business anyway.
Yui took a deep breath and then blurted out:
«I want to make cookies.»
Then she looked at me for some reason. Hey, don't make eye contact, it's annoying!
«Hikigaya, get out.»
Huh?
«Fucking excuse me?» I virtually snarled, making Yuigahama yelp shortly. The Ice Queen infuriated me in less than a micro instant, which was kind of a record. «What makes you think you can order me around like that?»
Yukinoshita flinched at my wrathful expression, but managed to keep it together and frowned at me.
«Hikigaya, me and Yuigahama-san are gonna have a conversation meant for girls' ears only. Your presence will be unwanted, so I ask you to leave and give us some time alone.»
Why didn't you fucking explain it to me in the first place? Does it make you feel so good to treat me like I'm a fucking dog?
«Is it so fucking hard for you to ask me decently?» I spat angrily, standing up and looking her in the eyes. «You accuse me of being an indecent human being, and yet you haven't once tried to be polite to me. You're no fucking better than me, Yukinoshita.»
Yukinoshita seemed taken aback by my response. There was something strange in her eyes I couldn't quite read. Was it guilt, perhaps, or remorse? Or something else completely? I had no idea.
Yuigahama was visibly shocked and left speechless, her eyes wandering between me and the Ice Queen.
I sighed, closing my eyes and rubbing the bridge of my nose.
Another day, another rage. Nothing changes.
«Fuck it. I wanted to go get some coffee anyways, so feel free to have your girly talk.»
There wasn't any wrath left in my voice. I was feeling tired and deflated.
So I turned around and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me.
«Come on, are you fucking kidding me?»
The can of MAX Coffee got stuck between the glass and the candy bars, making me punch the vending machine in frustration. The can didn't move a little bit, so I punched it again, and again, and again until I noticed a single crack appearing on the glass. Frustrated, I was going to buy another can so it could push the first one further, but an angelic voice stopped me before I could do it.
«Do you need some help, Hikigaya-dono?»
I snapped my head to the left and instantly fell in love.
The most beautiful girl I've ever seen was standing there, blushing and twirling her silver hair in adorable manner. Her large, sparkling blue eyes looked like two crystal clear lakes I'd willingly drown in. And though she had even less curves than Yukinoshita, her impossibly high level of cuteness in her gym uniform totally overshadowed this fact.
I was standing there, unable to move. The goddess took my silence for agreement and came closer, making heat rise up to my cheeks and ears. And then she did something with the door of the vending machine, and it opened without any effort. The silver-haired beauty took my can and gave it to me, smiling adorably.
«There's your can, Hikigaya-dono.»
I took it automatically, looking at the girl with an opened mouth. Upon closer examination, her face was even cuter. And she was as short as Komachi, which instantly added her a thousand points of sweetness.
I'm not usually into shorties, but heavens, this girl is irresistible.
«What's your name?» I managed to utter with difficulty.
Her face instantly became sad, which made me want to kiss a shotgun.
«You don't know me, Hikigaya-dono? But we're in the same class…»
No-no-no-no-no-no-no, god, no! I didn't want for this to happen!
«I'm sorry!» I rattled off, dropping the can and grabbing her by both hands. «I'm so-so sorry, please forgive me and give me your name!»
The girl yelped and jumped away, making my heart shatter.
«No-no, Hikigaya-dono, I'm not offended!»
Her words ignited a spark of hope in me.
«Really?»
«Yeah!» She nodded, assuring me. «I know you aren't really a social type, Hikigaya-dono. My name is Totsuka Saika.»
Then she blushed even harder, and I felt my stomach getting full of butterflies.
«Actually, I've wanted to talk to you for a long time, Hikigaya-dono. I need to ask you something personal.»
YES! Yes, you can marry me, Totsuka! We will live in a big mansion on the shore of the ocean somewhere on Hawaii and have, two, no, three, four pretty children! Then we can grow old together and even in your old age you'll be as beautiful as you are today. Just ask this question!
«How can I become as manly as you, Hikigaya-dono?
…what?
I couldn't come up with what to say for quite a while.
«Why… why do you need to be manly?» I managed to get the words out.
Totsuka frowned in confusion.
«Because I want to be like you, Hikigaya-dono! You're the coolest man I've met, and I'm just a boy. Teach me how to be like you!»
I'm just a boy.
A boy.
…
Throughout my life there have been a lot of sad events which brought a lot of pain upon me. Some of them even left me in the state of utter despair, when I thought that everything couldn't be any worse and I should just stop trying to fight the circumstances and accept my sad fate. But never ever I felt so miserable as I am right now.
You know what?
That's it.
I'm killing myself.
«Are you alright, Hikigaya-dono?» Totsuka's eyes showed genuine concern for my well-being due to the fact that I've been sitting on the bench and looking at the clouds for the last ten minutes.
Yeah, I'm OK, Totsuka. Just felt all of my hopes and dreams crush under the weight of cruel reality.
«I'm fine, Totsuka.» I let out a sigh. «Anyway, why do you exactly want to be like me? I'm far from being a nice guy, you know?»
After hearing that, Totsuka just exploded.
«That's exactly why I want to be like you! I don't want to be a nice guy anymore! Do you know I've been confessed to four times this week alone? And it's only Wednesday.»
«And what's the problem with that?» I didn't quite get him.
«All of them were guys!»
Oh.
«They took me for a girl, can you imagine that?»
Yes, I can, in fact, imagine that. And I don't blame those guys a little bit.
«That's why I want to be like you, Hikigaya-dono.» Totsuka explained, lowering his gaze to the floor. His cheeks reddened once again. «You're like, the manliest man I have ever seen. You always speak your mind, no matter what others might think, and never sugarcoat your words. Everyone in the school is terrified of you, but they wouldn't ever dare show you disrespect. I don't know if you've noticed, but when you walk into the classroom with a frowny face, everyone gets quieter to not annoy you. It's like you have aura or something… And it makes you so cool!»
Gods, Totsuka, stop glazing me so hard! I might die of embarrassment.
My face was getting more and more crimson with every word coming out of Totsuka's mouth. It's like he created some cool version of me in his head and mixed it up with real me.
That's true that I'm almost always blunt with words, but I seriously question his statement that everyone in the school is that afraid of me. I'm surely don't have the best fucking reputation out here, but «Scary Hikki» works only on my classmates since they're ones who interact with me daily. People from other classes aren't really affected. For example, Yukinoshita wasn't really afraid of me during our first encounter, and it doesn't seem that she is now. That Akiyama fucker also sure as shit wasn't intimidated by me before I beat the shit out of him. My bad reputation didn't scare them.
And I certainly don't have any fucking aura. Totsuka must have made that up so well he believed it himself.
«So, can you teach me how to be like you?» Totsuka asked, moving closer to me on the bench.
Hey, not this close!
«I'm not sure that's what you need, Totsuka.» I said, embarrassed by her… his face so close. «Shouldn't we all accept and love ourselves for who we are?»
Last statement is a pure hypocrisy from my side. But my end justifies my means. I don't want anyone to turn into a new me, much less someone as adorable as Totsuka. Me is enough.
Besides, should he become a real man, his whole cute feminine persona will disappear! And I don't want it to disappear, I want to have a source of kawai when Komachi isn't available.
Huh, I'm genuinely interested how cute would children of Komachi and Totsuka look like with their combined genes of kawai.
Hm.
Hmmm.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
It's decided. I must bring them together. That's my new life goal now. I want cute TotsuMachi nephews and nieces!
Dreaming of Totsuka as my brother-in-law, I totally missed all he said.
«…not wanna accept myself like I am now! Please, Hikigaya-dono, let me be taught by you!»
«Alright.» I said.
Totsuka blinked.
«You agree?» There was a hint of hope in his voice.
«Yes, I agree, Totsuka.» I nodded, affirming my decision.
«Thank you so much!» Totsuka got up, bowing to me. «Sorry, I need to run to my tennis training.»
«That's fine.» I waved him off. «We'll start your education tomorrow.»
Totsuka smiled and ran away.
Cool, it seems like I have my own Haku now. Though, Totsuka looks more like Uraume. I hope he isn't gonna go off to fight some gambler dude and disappear for the last chapters of my life.
I opened the door of the Service Club, whistling some cheerful melody I just concocted in my head.
Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both looked at me, making me feel awkward. I definitely didn't leave this room on a good note.
«Is your important girly talk over?» I asked scratching my head.
«Yes, Hikigaya.» Yukinoshita confirmed, pressing her lips together and looking away. «Have you calmed down enough to take part in the club business further?»
Despite her usual cold demeanor, I see that my earlier outburst did affect her. Maybe it was because I had compared her to myself, maybe because the Ice Queen felt some remorse… Or maybe it was something else entirely. I'm not a mind reader, unfortunately.
Looking at her, I'm feeling utterly terrible. Yukinoshita is harsher and stronger than most of girls, and yet I managed to make even her uncomfortable. Great, Hachiman, keep it up.
«Yeah, I have.» I coughed awkwardly. «And… I'm sorry for my earlier fit of rage. I shouldn't have said what I said to you, it was unfair of me. Please forgive me.»
Yukinoshita stared at me for a long time, her eyes thoughtful. Then she sighed and closed them.
«Your apologies are accepted, Hikigaya.»
I felt great relief. Given the fact Hiratsuka won't ever let me quit this club — and she's the only person in this school that can make me stay here — and I'm gonna interact with Yukinoshita almost every day for a while, I think it's better for us to not fight like cats and dogs.
«Anyway, what's with Yuigahama's request?» I asked, trying to hush up the previous topic.
Hearing my question, previously silent Yui virtually beamed.
«Yukinon said that we'll go to the home economics room to try to make some cookies!»
Yukinon? They sure as shit got real close while I was out there with Totsuka, given that Yukinoshita doesn't correct her.
«And what's required of me?» I looked at Yukinoshita inquiringly.
«You will try the cookies we will have made and tell your opinion.» Yukinoshita replied, standing up and walking to the door. Yuigahama followed her shortly after.
Well, being a food critic isn't that hard, so I can't fuck this up. Besides, free food is free food and I'm hungry!
«I just don't understand…» Yukinoshita was murmuring, making a face palm. «How is it even possible to make mistake after mistake…»
The reason of her discontent were Yuigahama's freshly made cookies, arranged on the plate in front os us.
Frankly, I don't understand her displeasure. Sure, the cookies were slightly charred, but not that much. While they sure are nostalgic as good as they could be, they look… edible? I've definitely seen worse.
«It might look bad… But we won't know until we've tasted it!» Yuigahama looked desperate.
«Good point.» I shrugged, taking one of the cookies and popping it into my mouth.
Well, it's sure not the best cookies I've ever had, they are slightly more bitter than they should be, but otherwise they are fine.
I chewed the cookie up and swallowed it, being quite satisfied with it.
«So?» Yuigahama was virtually on her toes, eager to hear my opinion. There was a mix of anxiety and hope in her eyes as she was looking at me.
«While I sure wouldn't call them incredibly good, they are pretty… decent?» I shrugged, chewing on another cookie.
«For real?!» Yui's eyes were wide, and she was blushing with excitement.
«Hikigaya, are you sure?» On the other hand, Yukinoshita's eyes were seriously questioning my sincerity, though I had no idea why.
«Yeah.» I confirmed, nodding and taking another cookie. «Taste them yourself if you don't believe me.»
And you had better do it before I'm eating the rest of them, I'm real hungry.
Yukinoshita and Yuigahama both took the cookies warily and examined them before taking a bite. Their faces instantly twisted, a miserable and disgusted grimace appearing on them.
Hey, why so displeased? Surely, the cookies weren't that bad!
«They are bitter… and gross!» Yui seemed on the verge of tears.
«They taste like a charcoal.» Yukinoshita said bluntly, wincing as if she was hurt. «That was cruel of you, Hikigaya.»
«What?» I blinked, bewildered. «What do you mean?»
«Yeah, Hikki, you shouldn't joke like that!» Yuigahama pointed her finger at me, her voice angry and… hurt? «You should have told us they were bad right away instead of lying!»
But they weren't that bad!
«But I wasn't lying!» I protested, frowning. «They were pretty normal for me. I've had better, but your cookies weren't as bad as you're trying to portray them now!»
I stopped and scratched my head.
«Actually, can I have the rest of them if you don't want them? I'm hungry now.»
«Hikki…» For some unknown reason, Yuigahama was staring at me with her eyes shining. Her cheeks were reddened, and her breathing was rapid.
Jesus, Yui, are you feeling well? Is this some unknown riajuu virus that got you? If it's so, please don't come any closer. I don't want to turn into Hayama.
«You mean you actually liked them, Hikigaya?» Yukinoshita asked me with sheer disbelief in her voice.
Why is it so hard to believe? If they think these are bad food, they have never tried really bad food, like my father's cooking. The several months he was the head of the kitchen were so horrible that I overcame my laziness and learned how to cook myself.
«Yes.» I responded, taking the plate to myself. «Do you think that me of all the people would have lied out of consideration for Yuigahama's feelings?»
Yukinoshita exhaled loudly.
«Indeed. Yuigahama, do you want to try again?»
Yuigahama seemed to be awaken from whatever trance the riajuu virus had sent her in.
«Yeah!» She said in resolution. «I'm glad that Hikki likes my cookies… But I now want to make cookies I will like myself!»
«Well… they're not as bad as they were.» Yukinoshita rubbed her eyes tiredly.
I chewed on a thousandth cookie with enjoyment, not paying attention to Yukinoshita's discontent.
«I'd say they're real good already.» I smirked, causing a smile to appear on Yuigahama's face. «You're just too fucking harsh, Yukinoshita.»
Congratulations, Hachiman, for once you made a girl smile instead of tearing up!
«You liked even those cookies that resembled charcoal, so your opinion is not really valuable.»
Though, Yukinoshita's words instantly wiped the smile off Yui's face.
«Yuigahama shouldn't stay content with the skills she has now. One that stops grooming themselves is pitiful.»
I didn't like it.
«You should admit that it's harder for Yui than for you. You're more talented in cooking than she is, so she needs to put more effort into it.»
Yukinoshita didn't like my words as well.
«People who are bot willing to hardwork don't have any right to be envious of talented people. They don't understand that the hard work is necessary to be successful. Therefore the only way for Yuigahama to get better is to continue cooking and learn from her mistakes.»
I frowned. That's not like I don't agree with Yukinoshita's opinion on the importance of hardwork. Quite the opposite, I share it wholeheartedly.
Yukinoshita's problem is that she judges people by herself. She's quite obviously both talented and hardworking. Everything she does, she does perfectly. And she demands the same from everyone else, not understanding that many people could work three times harder than her and still not get any closer to her level.
Hardwork beats bare talent. But if we take two people who both are working equally hard, but one of them has talent and the other one doesn't, the talented one wins. Being gifted since birth, Yukinoshita doesn't really get it.
So I bet her harsh words will hurt Yuiga-
«Incredible.»
For the second time this day, Yukinoshita and I looked at Yui in disbelief.
«Excuse me?» The Ice Queen was at a loss.
Yuigahama rised her shining eyes to look at us.
«You both are so cool!»
I was at loss of words. For the second time that day someone called me a cool guy for the reasons that were completely unclear to me.
«You both were so brutally honest with me and with each other… You said what you wanted to say, not caring about anyone's opinion. It's so cool!»
Come to think of it, Totsuka said almost the same thing. Are such people as Yukinoshita and I truly so rare? I don't really believe that, to be honest.
The club time was over soon after that. I had already said goodbye to the girls and was walking through the hallway on my way out of the school when I realized I forgot my light novel in the clubroom.
«Fuck.» I cursed and turned around, going back.
Upon approaching to the doors of the clubroom, I came across an odd scene.
Yuigahama was jumping up like a basketball player, trying to reach the metal doorplate above with her hand. She wasn't that short, and yet all of her attempts were in vain. She was out of breath eventually and stopped, putting her hands on her knees.
Wow, she does have cake!
«What the hell are you doing?» I inquired in perplexity, approaching her.
Yui turned around with a speed of light.
«Hikki! What are you doing here?»
«I forgot my book inside.» I replied, pressing the doorknob.
The folding doors were closed, making me sigh. It seems like I'll have to do without Re: Zero until tomorrow.
I turned to Yuigahama.
«So?»
She laughed awkwardly and showed me a pink sticker with skull and crossbones.
«I thought that it would be cool for Service Club to have a memory of every student we'll help, so I decided to put a sticker on the doorplate every time this happens… Is it a bad idea?»
I shook my head.
«No, not at all. Though, you said we. Are you going to join the club as well?»
«Are you against it?!» Yui got heartbroken over her own assumption, looking at me with clear anxiety.
«No, not really.» I scratched my head. «I mean… You're not terrible.»
Jesus, sometimes I'm terrible with words.
Fortunately, Yui didn't seem offended and smiled at my acceptance.
«I'm glad you don't mind, Hikki.» She blushed for some reason and looked at me. «I want to spend more time with you and Yukinon.»
Then she looked away.
«Don't you agree with her?»
Seeing the question in my eyes, she continued:
«About talent and stuff, I mean.»
«Partly.» I shrugged, yawning. «She belittles the importance of talent, believing that hardwork can solve everything. I agree that hardwork and discipline are important, but talent also means a lot.»
Yuigahama lowered her gaze.
«I get it.»
There was silence between us for quite a while. I was looking at the clouds at the evening sky, and Yui still looked at the floor.
«But seeing Yukinon, I still want to work hard to be similar to her, even if I don't have any talent. I want to learn from her, to be closer to her… and I want to be close with you too, Hikki.»
I turned away so she doesn't see my face flushing.
Jesus, Yuigahama, don't turn Hinata mode on! It's dangerous for me.
«Let me help you.»
I took the sticker from her hand, making her gasp in surprise. Then I raised my hand and put it on the doorplate, smoothing it carefully.
«There it is.»
Yuigahama smiled.
«Thank you, Hikki.»
The hard work is necessary to be successful.
I still want to work hard, even if I don't have any talent.
Going up the elevator, I was mulling over those words.
Yukinoshita and Yuigahama are two completely different girls. They have nothing in common, except for one thing. They share the same willingness to work hard to groom themselves. To become better persons.
And then there's me, a person who's a hundred times worse than both of them together. I'm a deeply flawed individual, to say the least. And the worst thing is I am perfectly aware of that and I do nothing to change it.
I should be ashamed of myself, and to be frank, I am.
My shame is buried under the layers of ostentatious hatred for riajuu, fake self-acceptance, dark humor and sarcasm. But it is still there, deep inside me.
I'm ashamed of myself. I'm afraid of myself. I hate myself.
And the scariest and the most disgusting thing about all of that is that some part of me wants things to stay as they are. Maybe, my wrath has been with me for so long it became a part of me. Some part of me is afraid to let go of my wrath because I'm afraid to lose my whole personality in the process.
But it can't go on like that. Seeing both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama's willingness to learn from their mistakes, I was even more ashamed. Two girls had a stronger will than me, near a man grown… Well, at least I consider myself such.
My shame is the reason I'm here again, after nearly a year.
I stepped out of the elevator and walked through the long hallway, before stopping in front of a fancy wood door with the inscription «Dr. Shiroyama Shiro».
Sighing, I knocked on the door and opened it.
«Good evening, Shiroyama-san.»
«Long time no see, Hikigaya-kun.»
So, from now on the story of angry 8man and Service Club begins!
This work is supposed to be mostly humor/romance, with occasional glimpses of drama like one in the end of this chapter.
Hachiman's character here is partly based on Michael De Santa from GTA V. As well as Michael, my Hachiman is irascible, sarcastic, depressed and always complaining. He's also a little hypocritical, has a short temper and holds a lot of self-hatred, buried under his ostentatious ego. But, of course, he's nowhere near as egotistical and cruel like Michael.