A/N: So… kinda tough to wander on in this hobby-esk endeavor given what has happened this week. I know we've all had a really fucking rough couple of days. And this chapter isn't gonna be an easy one. But I made a commitment, to you, to myself… these drops will be happening every Thursday on the dot, and I'm not going to change a lick of it or stop doing what I'm doing, or even falter a single iota in my roll now that I just got rolling. This is important to me, this is a way to escape the shit going on, and I'm not going to let this situation alter my plans in the slightest, even if this might not be the most appropriate content to drop in the current climate. This is what was going to drop, so this is what's going to drop. Being creative, speaking our truths, unashamedly baring our whole selves, and doing what we mean to do—things that make us feel good about ourselves and our place in the world—in spite of everything going on, that is one of the many ways we can make a difference.

Also, I'm going to drop a bit of a spoiler for this chapter real quick, because I feel like I have to give a trigger warning for this one. I know, I know, Supernatural is a really intense show and most of us are used to really tough, graphic, disturbing content, but that's not all of us and I want to be certain no one gets thrown into a flashback out of nowhere just because I didn't want to "ruin the (upsetting) surprise". So, if you don't have triggers, try not to read the trigger warning; if you do, glimpse it over, and decide if this is something you are comfortable reading. If it is not, feel free to skip this chapter—you can always just fill in the blank from context in your head when this thread of storyline resurfaces. (If you can handle it, I am really proud of this section for reasons you can see in the end A/N, and that pride doesn't come from the triggering content, it comes from something that is brought on by the conversation around the triggering content.)

Anyways, here it is:

TW: Infertility (non-graphic)

All right, I think that's all that done. Let us continue.

Looks like narrative excess, sounds like narrative excess, smells like narrative excess… might actually be relevant to the overarching storyline.

But ICanProveMishaIsASquirrel, what overarching storyline? These are one-off appendices!

Well that was the original idea…. It morphed…. It's ALIVE!

Appendix D

Section E

Alex, Age 18

The Future and the Past

Sam sat in the waiting room, scrolling through news articles on his phone. Car Crash Kills One, Two Injured…. House Fire Leaves Farming Family Homeless…. Bank Robbery First in Town's History…. Normal, normal, normal. Sam was starting to hit his limit. This part of his job he could only do for so long, especially since the screen was so bright and so small; it made his eyes tired faster than his laptop usually did. He wished he had brought a book or something. Though, he hadn't expected Alex's appointment to take this long.

He was about to put his phone away when Dean texted.

Are you on your way yet?

Sam blinked tiredly. No, not yet.

What's taking so long?

It's a doctor's office. It takes a while.

But everything's OK?

Stop worrying.

No.

Sam let his head drift back, rolling his eyes. I'll text as soon as we head out.

K

Sam switched his screen off and tucked his phone away. He looked around the room, glad to be focusing on something slightly more in the distance. He tried not to absorb his brother's anxiety. It was difficult, as he was getting uneasy himself. It had been three hours already. He hadn't been to many obstetrician's offices, but he was pretty sure this was an unusual time to wait for a routine exam.

He inspected the art on the walls. Some of it wasn't half bad. The magazines on the tables were pretty old, though, and rather bedraggled: People, Cosmo, Guns and Ammo—wait, what? A little out of place, but okay…. The people in the waiting room were politely spread out and quiet, but nonetheless a surprisingly diverse group.

Though every single one was a woman. Sam was trying to keep to himself and look small and inconspicuous. This, of course, was difficult for a lone six foot five inch middle-aged man, no matter how low he slouched in his chair. It looked odd to everyone else, Sam was sure of it, but all he could do was not draw more attention to himself than he did just by being there.

Another few uncomfortable minutes passed, and at last Alex came through the door, holding her jacket in one hand. Sam stood, relieved to see her, and walked over with a smile.

"Hey," he said in a library whisper. Then even more softly; "That took a while. Everything okay?"

"Yeah." Alex shrugged a single shoulder. "They're backed up."

"Okay," Sam said. "Need anything from reception?"

"No, let's just go," Alex replied.

"Yeah, okay," Sam said as they headed for the door.

If the waiting hadn't given him a bad feeling, Alex's demeanor sure did. She seemed… bland. She was so often opinionated and vocal. This lack of joy or rage was simply not her personality, and it unsettled her uncle.

We're on our way.

Thank god

"Do we need to pick up any prescriptions?" Sam asked in the parking lot as they walked around the Impala.

"No," Alex replied.

"Really?" Sam said, concerned. "They didn't talk with you about any kind of birth control?"

"No." That time Alex showed a touch of embarrassment.

"Okay." Sam didn't want to push. Yet.

They climbed in and took off.

They were out of town and on the county road before either of them spoke again. Alex had pulled up a knee and turned toward the window, staring out at the endless, empty pastures. Her face was completely devoid of emotion.

Sam finally broke the silence. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"God, ew, no," Alex replied.

"It's okay if you do, you know," Sam continued. "Your dad and I are grown men. We can handle it."

"Nothing to talk about. Just a check-up," Alex said defensively.

Sam's jaw tightened. "Really?"

"Ugh, God, I'm fine," Alex insisted in the most angsty teenager tone she had ever used in her entire life.

Sam shook his head. "No," he began to pull over to the side of the road, "you're not."

Alex finally looked over to her uncle as he put the Impala in park, incredulity on her face. "What are you doing?"

"Listen," Sam began, turning in his seat to face his niece.

"I will walk home," Alex threatened.

"Listen," Sam pressed, his tone hard and serious. "This is your body and your health and your business, but you need to know that if anything has happened, you can always talk to me. And to your dad. Absolutely anything. We are here to help you and take care of you and protect you. If something happened in there… if they did anything to you—,"

"They didn't do anything to me!" Alex complained angrily.

"Something happened," Sam came back. "It took you three hours, Alex; that is not a routine check-up. I don't care how backed up they are; it shouldn't take that long. And this," he gestured in Alex's general direction, "mood you're in, this is not you, and it's kind of freaking me out. So if you need to talk… talk."

Alex sat staring straight ahead, silent, but it was clear she was considering his words.

"Now I know how Dad feels when you bully his feelings out of him," Alex commented.

"Hey, he does it to me, too," replied Sam. "He won't admit it, but he does. That's how we do things in this family. When we're dealing with shit, we deal with it. Together. Even if it's like pulling teeth."

Sam huffed, then came at the subject a little more gently. "Alex, it doesn't matter what's going on. We'll always be here for you. We want to be."

Alex made eye contact with him for less than a second before looking down at her jeans. Her lips twitched a couple times as she thought. Sam just waited.

"I'm… I'm actually fine, it's just…," Alex paused. "They noticed something… odd. So they did an ultrasound."

"An ultrasound?" Sam repeated carefully.

Instantly, his brain went into overdrive. Oh my god, she's pregnant! Logan got my niece pregnant! I'm going to kill him! If I can get to him before Dean does. Maybe I should let Dean kill him, otherwise he'll kill me for not letting him kill him. God, this is awful! She must be so scared. And our lives are so dangerous; she's going to have to hide in the bunker for nine months. Well, seven or eight. Oh my god, seven or eight! That means they had sex before she was eighteen! I'm going to kill him!

Sam thought he was keeping his emotions hidden, but he was obviously failing, because Alex looked at him and rolled her eyes, holding up a dismissive hand. "I'm not pregnant."

"Oh, thank God!" Sam gasped, leaning back on the bench seat and covering his face with both hands. "The things Dean and I would have done to Logan…. You seriously just saved his life."

Alex gave a small snort of laughter. "Yeah, I would have destroyed him, too."

"Okay." Sam recovered and turned back toward Alex. "So why'd they do the ultrasound?"

"Well…," Alex started back in, "they… they wanted to check for cancer, but it wasn't that. I'm just… built different. 'Structural abnormality' or something fancy like that. Long and short of it is… I can't have kids."

For a moment, Sam could only stare. This he was not expecting. She was too young to face such a thing, to have a huge aspect of her future decided for her in the span of an ultrasound scan. No warnings, no symptoms of a problem. It was over before it began. And evidently the issue was so severe that it was obvious at her very first exam. He felt his heart sink as he saw his niece unceremoniously stripped of an opportunity that, in a way, even he had had the chance to experience.

Alex sat in silence, hastily brushing away the single tear that tracked down her cheek.

"Oh, Alex," Sam said. "I'm so sorry." He placed a hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay," Alex replied, this time believably. "I mean, I hadn't even begun to think about whether I wanted kids someday or not. But I don't know, it's just… it sucks, is all."

"Yeah, for sure," Sam agreed. "Doesn't matter if you want children; it's hard being told you can't have them."

Alex nodded.

At that moment, Sam realized the folly in his earlier reaction and covered his face with shame. "Oh God, I acted so relieved when you told me you weren't pregnant! That was so insensitive!"

Alex actually chuckled. "It's okay, Uncle Sam. You didn't know, and I'm about as relieved about that as you were. My doc was doing the exam and she went 'Hm,' and I was like, 'What are you hm-ing about'?"

It was Sam's turn to laugh.

"Really though, it's probably for the best," Alex continued. "I don't know if it would be a good idea for me to have kids, being a hunter and all. It's just so dangerous."

"Yeah," Sam had to agree. "It can be really scary."

Alex finally looked at her uncle and held his gaze, seeming to realize who she was talking to about being a hunter with children around. "I suppose you know," she said.

"I do," said Sam. "It can be done; it's not impossible. Lots of hunters have kids and families. But it's really scary, especially with our family and what we are usually up against. And when you were really little…. It was so hard leaving you while we were on the job. We were always worried something would come after you, and we didn't want you to grow up the way your dad and I did….

"I mean, there were great things about it, too," Sam shrugged. "We actually got to spend a lot of time with you on hunts. We hung out for hours and hours doing research in the hotel room or the library, or we'd be traveling the country. We even kept a tally; by the time… by the time you were two, you had been in or through thirty-eight states. And you learned to hardcore road trip—you slept like a rock in the back of this thing." Sam pointed a thumb at the back seat of the Impala.

Alex laughed, looking over her shoulder. "I still do.

"I never slept in the minivan like that… something different about it… sound of the engine or something…."

Sam inspected Alex's wistful face as she thought. He could see her searching the recesses of her memory for something that was only a feeling. As she did, a memory came to Sam, too, this one so old he had forgotten it, but now it was suddenly as sharp as if it had happened yesterday….

…They turned into the motel parking lot and pulled into a vacant space. Just as Dean turned off the vehicle, a tiny, round face framed in thin blonde hair peaked over the sill of a second floor window, looking down at them. The expression of excited expectancy quickly turned to bouncy jubilance.

Dean smiled. "I swear to god, she knows the sound of the engine already," he said as he and Sam stepped out of the car. "That's my girl…."

With the memory came a powerful, painful resurgence of all the emotion that had tormented him when he found out they were giving her up. It burned in his chest, and he felt it work to overwhelm him. Suddenly he remembered the reasons he had finally convinced himself to believe, the ones that allowed him to hand over his niece to the Hurstwines that day sixteen years ago.

"We didn't want to give you up," said Sam quietly.

Alex looked away from the back of the Impala and over at her uncle. "I know," she said.

"It was just," a lump had formed in Sam's throat, "so hard going into a fight and thinking… at any second, Dean could die, and then Alex doesn't have a dad. Or an uncle. Or what if we both die? Who's going to call the babysitter and tell them we're not coming back?" Tears were streaming down his cheeks. "Who's going to take care of her if everything goes wrong?"

He shook his head. "Sorry." Sam wiped the wetness from his face. "So yeah. It's not easy."

"Yeah…," said Alex, wiping her own tears away. "Maybe it's easier in some ways… that I don't have to make that decision myself. It just is what it is, and that's the end of it."

Then she added quietly, "Please don't tell Dad yet."

"I won't," Sam promised. "It's up to you when you tell him."

"Thanks," said Alex.

Without a word, they leaned across the bench seat and embraced. They held on for a few spare moments, taking the time to relax and recuperate.

"Love you, Uncle Sam."

"Love you, too, Alex.

"Now, I think we're going to have to cheer you up a bit," Sam said a little more lightheartedly as they parted, "otherwise your dad's going to be suspicious. Then he'll do what I did and… what did you say? 'Bully'?"

Alex snorted laughter. "Yeah, 'bully'."

Sam smiled. "Yeah, he'll bully it out of you."

Alex thought for about a nanosecond. "Can we get a milkshake?"

Sam laughed, too. "You are so your father's daughter. Yeah, we can get a milkshake." He put the Impala into drive and made to turn around. "We could pick up some food to take home, too; might as well add a little cover to our pit stop."

They made their way back into town. Sam reflected on their conversation as he drove. Slowly, he realized something he had missed. He wasn't sure he should mention it, worried he might change how she was feeling about her exam results. But it nagged at him, and he knew he had to say something.

"You know," he started, "it may have been hard, with all the danger and worrying about you while we were gone… but when we got you back… it was worth it. All of it."

Alex looked over and gave a small smile. "Glad to be back."

Sam smiled, too. But as he watched the road, his face fell, his brow knitting. "Are you really? Are you… okay that you got dragged back into a hunter's life?"

Alex thought for a second, but not once in that instant did her expression show any concern or doubt. "Yeah, I think I am. I don't know, I guess… I feel stronger because of it. Like I could handle anything."

Sam's smile returned. "Yeah, I think you could."

A/N: All right, we got through it! How do we feel?

This chapter was definitely the point at which I found my ability to actually edit. I have always struggled with editing; it has always given me a headache and felt like pulling teeth, and I've only ever been able to make miniscule, nit-picky changes. But man, this section changed that. Originally it was so bland and lackluster and uncomfortable. Honestly, the way Sam acted it was like he was soulless again. But I let it sit as it was for a few weeks and came back and eeeeevvveerything just oozed out. I made huge changes, and it went from nothing to everything. I was writing the friggin' sentences about Alex looking at the back seat and just went "Holy shit, I can flashback to the most painful part of the first fucking chapter!" It was gonna be so awkward and meaningless, and now we're feelin' all the feels, and resolving character arc and storyline questions, and even dropping a touch of foreshadowing (bonus points if you can pinpoint that and drop your guess in the reviews ;) ).

This lack of major editing ability was going to be a huge roadblock to my becoming a writer (like a professional writer, for money and crap, not just free fanfiction), and now that is so… resolved. I can make the big changes, I can create something greater after the first draft, I can polish something beyond word choice and sentence structure.

I can't tell you what this means to me.

And this is just the start. More to come.

Thanks for reading!