It has been four days since YoRHa unit 9S hosted an unexpected rock concert in the Resistance Camp. The very positive reception has brought morale up for the Resistance as well as strengthened their relationship with YoRHa. As an added bonus he fulfilled a private assignment from his operator 21O to gather data about old world music. It seems as if everyone forgot about his antics.
For now, nobody raised an eye about him liberating the most wanted android A2 from captivity using this performance as a distraction. Wherever she is he hoped she made it back to her safe zone in the Forest Kingdom. God knows what would happen Commander White found out he assisted a fugitive.
Nines-boi was in his room in the Bunker lying on his back in his bed, as his bum cheeks were fully healed aside from a still visible spank mark. Currently he was trying to make a fanfic; a story based on existing forms of fiction which according to 21O was a popular hobby in the human days.
"Hmm… What should I start with? How about a rough draft to get the thought CPUs going."
"This rough draft shall be called… Shrek is love, Shrek is life." Nines got to work on it as it finished in minutes.
Shrek is love, Shrek is life
My name is Princess Matilda, and I live in a castle.
My sister broke my fingernail and it hurts.
As I pray before I go to bed, the scent of onions fills the room.
An ogre jumps in my window. It is Shrek.
"Hi my ogrelord." I say.
"Aie, me laddy." Says shrek.
Shrek uses his super powers and fixes my broken nail. I thank him and say goodnight.
"No problem laddy. Night-night to you too." Says Shrek as he departs for the night. I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up to the smell of onions. I walk into my sister's room. To my delight, I find her in a million pieces. Her eyeballs have been replaced with onions. There's a note on her skull that says "Ye welcome, Laddy."
With my sister dead I can become the new future Queen now! Thank you Shrek.
Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
Nines reviewed his draft before coming to a conclusion. Denied.
"No way someone would get a passing grade on this one. Even if they did, no one would take it seriously." he said to himself in disappointment.
9S turned a fresh sheet and began thinking of what to write next.
"How about… 9S Rides a bicycle."
Several paragraphs later…
9S Rides A Bicycle
9S was walking down the street in the sunny City Ruins. He found a rusty looking two wheeled device with a single seat called a bicycle. He looked at it in curiosity.
"I think I'll ride that thing," he said.
He hopped onto the seat and gave it a spin. He spun the foot pedals and the old world machine propelled him forward.
"This is a cool bike!" he said. He biked around the city at speeds faster than he could imagine on foot. He whirled around corners, past idle moose, and even the machines who didn't seem to notice him doing a wheelie above their heads.
He gave out a big "woohoo!" as he parkoured around the city from rooftop to rooftop.
After a while he got bored. BUT then he got an idea!
"This bike needs to fly higher!"
He did the extreme: he filled up the tires with helium in hopes of going to the moon. Finding the biggest ramp he could, he tied two rockets to the bike and launched himself skyhigh.
"Weeeeeeeeeee!" squealed 9S in excitement. As he nearly left the troposphere he started to slow down.
"Why am I going down?", asked himself. Gravity was pulling him back to Earth.
"Ah shit. AWWWWWW!"
9S screamed as he fell off his bike and flail wildly as he fell quickly at Mach 1 to his death.
The End.
He looked over his 2nd attempt and had mixed thoughts.
"This is a tragic ending. And who fills tires with helium?"
9S tapped his chin and repurposed his next fanfic concept. An evil grin crawled across his face. It was time to go extreme!
The Commander Smells Something Really Bad
Everyone was at work in the control room listening to a very important announcement.
Commander White: With Spring Break coming up we're going to Earth and I guarantee we'll get laid, with the possibility of contracting logic virus is very low.
As she prepared to continue her speech, her nose wrinkled at the presence of a foul stench.
Commander White: Can one of you close that door? That sewage smell is back.
6O: Commander… I don't think…
21O: I do not believe it's the septic you're smelling. I think someone here shit themselves.
The commander's eye twitched. Shit was about to hit the fan.
Commander White: Anyone who has not had a maintenance overhaul in the last 5 days you may leave. 2B, 6O, and 21O stay here.
Everyone left for their stations while the battler and two operators were left with White.
Commander White: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL? THAT SMELL IS FUCKING HORRIBLE! IT SMELLS LIKE A SKUNK CRAWLED UP MY ASS AND DIED! AND WE DON'T HAVE ANY FEBREEZE LEFT! WE HAD JUST RENOVATED THIS WHOLE BUNKER AND NOW IT SMELLS LIKE A FUDGE DRAGON WAS SLAIN! WHEN I FIND THE BITCH WHO RIPPED ASS I'M GONNA KILL THEM AND SHIT IN THEIR MOUTH!
6O: Commander, us androids don't poop nor toot! Haven't you heard the phrase "whoever supplied it denied it?"
Commander White: No you moron! It's whoever smelt it, dealt it!
2B stepped in to defend 6O.
2B: Just open a window and the stink will be out in no time!"
Commander White: We are in a space station in the vacuum of space!"
White angrily threw her crop in anger, unintentionally hitting one of the operators far away.
Commander White: WHAT WINDOWS?! We can't even have a normal meeting here without it smelling like someone yawned in my face! This is indifferent from the time someone thought it would be funny to place a dead mackerel on the AC unit and the whole bunker wreak of ass for weeks, that stench still returns when the air is back on! I still don't know whoever did that, that faggot!
White took several deep breaths before resuming her rant. The three others took this as a window to relax.
Commander White: This whole place is a giant cesspool, and I can't even swim. This is-
9S put his tablet down because of how hard he was laughing his ass off at the absurdity of a masterpiece he was putting down on electronic paper from the thorough use of his digital brain cells. Until he was interrupted by tapping sounds and a muffled voice coming from the wall next to him.
"9S could you keep it down please?"
"Oops, sorry 6O!" he hollered, nearly forgetting that 2B's operator's quarters belonging to 6O was next to his.
"It's okay, silly. I'm just trying to nap right now.", responded back 9S.
Everyone had a personal nickname for him which included "Nines". 2B called him that and so did the other scanners, 21O referred to him as "Son" when nobody was present, yet the only one more absurd in his opinion was "Silly" given to him by 6O. He couldn't blame her as 6O was the sweetest and most innocent YoRHa personnel around. God knows what shitstorm will come up should one dare insult her.
'You got mail."
Nines got startled and jumped in his bed slightly
"Pod, I didn't even see you there."
9S's dear toaster shaped friend Pod 153 happens to waken from rest mode. The Pod displayed his new email in front of him.
Message from: Unknown
Thanks for freeing me down there kid, it seems YoRHa isn't full of idiots completely. Don't bother thanking me for this nor do not ask where I got all this. Delete this message right after reading.
You received items-
5+ Weapon Attack Up
5+ Ranged Attack Up
5+ Critical Up
5+ Counter
5 +Melee Defense
5+ Ranged Defense
5+ Max HP
5+ Offensive Heal
5+ Deadly Heal
5+ Auto Heal
5+ Damage Absorb
5+ Fast Cooldown
5+ Moving Speed
5+ Evade Range
5+ Fast Cooldown
5+ Vengeance
5+ Hijack Boost
5+ Stun
1x Pristine Screw
1x Pristine Cable
1x New Bolt
1x Clean Nut
1x Memory Alloy
1x Large Gear
1x Sturdy Socket
1x Elaborate Gadget
1x Metal Filler
1x Complex Gadget
1x Black Pearl
1x Meteorite
30,000G
1x Playgirl: YoRHa Boys Edition Magazine
-No. 2
Alert: UNIT HAS STOPPED WORKING
9S collapsed onto his bed with the biggest, widest, most graceful smile as he succumbed to a blissful sleep. Christmas is indeed real.
The Shrek is love, Shrek is life fic was an actual assignment I wrote in my senior year of high school back in Spring of 2017. I'm not sure how I got an A on that. Also the fic of White ranting is based on an old parody of Hitler ranting from the movie Downfall.
TRUMP IS BACK BITCHES!