My heart races as I stand hidden between the lifeboats. I scan the area again, going over the plan in my head: I'll grab her as she passes by and pull her into the gymnasium. I'll grab her as she passes by and pull her into the gymnasium. I'll grab her as she passes by and pull her into the gymnasium.
I hear them coming closer. Their footsteps. The sound of her voice. She's asking Mr. Andrews something about the lifeboats. And to my welcome relief, it seems like they're trailing behind the rest of the tour group.
Before I know it, she's alone and I'm reaching for her arm. She's startled, but recognition quickly washes over her face as I motion for her to be quiet and pull her into the gymnasium beside us. This is it. This is my chance. But before I can get any words out, she already starts to leave.
"Jack, this is impossible," she says. "I can't see you."
"I need to talk to you," I softly protest, blocking her from exiting.
"No, Jack, no," she says. "Jack, I'm engaged. I'm marrying Cal. I love Cal."
The words don't quite reach her eyes. They never did.
"Rose," I sigh, trying to make her see any reason. "You're no picnic. Alright? You're a spoiled little brat, even. But under that, you're the most amazing, astounding, wonderful girl…woman that I've ever known, and—"
"Jack, I—" she cuts me off as she tries to walk away again.
"No, let me try to get this out. You're ama—," I say, desperately trying to stop her, but my head's a jumble of all these thoughts and big feelings that I can't even begin to make sense of.
She's sitting on the window sill in front of me now and we're so close, I think it's the closest we've ever been. But then I remember how I held her to me when I pulled her over the railing and how our bodies touched when we were dancing.
I can hardly remember how I felt in either of those moments. They were so terrifying and so full of adrenaline. She feels so much closer right now. It's just us and saying us sounds so ridiculous because in what world could there ever be an us? But right now, in this room, it's just us and her eyes are so intense that all the sound around me fades out and all that I can hear is my heart beating in my ears.
I can't leave you, Rose, I think. I can't leave you knowing how miserable you are. I can't leave you knowing that you might end up on another railing without me being there to pull you back. I can't leave you because there's so many things I want to show you about the world—there's so many things I want you to experience. I can't leave you because I so desperately want to know what it would be like to love you—to touch you and hold you and kiss you. Even from this distance, the warmth radiating from your body is making my chest ache. What would it be like to properly hold you in my arms? To feel your heartbeat against mine? The sun beaming through this window is making your face look no translucent. What would it be like to kiss skin so soft? I want so badly for you to let me love you. If you would just give me the chance, I would love you the way that you deserve—the way that I know he never could. I would devote my entire life to making you happy. I could make you happy, Rose.
I want to say all of this to her, but I can't. I'm afraid if I do, I will scare her away. I'll be coming on way too strong. And how selfish of me would it be to ask her to leave her entire family and life behind for me? I have nothing to offer her other than my love and that just isn't enough. I know it's not. That won't provide her with meals or a roof over her head. It won't provide her with heat or running water. I won't bring her into a life of poverty just so she could be mine. I can't. I refuse.
So, I just try to make her see what they're doing to her. Try to make her admit to herself that this isn't what she wants. Try to give her the courage to leave, even if it's without me.
After taking a deep breath, I finally speak. "I'm not an idiot. I know how the world works. I've got ten bucks in my pocket, I have nothing to offer you and I know that. I understand. But I'm too involved now. You jump, I jump, remember? I can't turn away without knowing you'll be alright. That's all I want."
"Well, I'm fine," she responds, trying to keep her voice steady. "I'll be fine. Really."
"Really?" I ask, not convinced. "I don't think so. They've got you trapped, Rose. And you're going to die if you don't break free, maybe not right away because you're strong but…"
Tears fill her eyes and even though I know my words are reaching her, my heart breaks at the sight. All I want to do is pull her into me and make it all go away. But I can't.
You are such a wonderful girl, Rose, I think.You deserve so much better than this. I would give you what you deserve. I would love you the way you should be loved.
I can't take seeing her like this. I want so badly to just hold her. Surely, just touching her cheek would be okay, right? My hand hesitates and I think to myself that maybe I shouldn't. But as my palm inches closer and closer to her skin, I can't bear the distance anymore. Can't bear the way she is looking at me. The utter pain in her eyes.
I touch her cheek with my hand and caress the soft, delicate skin there with my thumb, feeling fire shoot down my body. Her fire.
"…sooner or later that fire that I love about you, Rose," I continue, "that fire's gonna burn out."
For a moment, she can't speak, and it looks like she might fall apart. But then, she swallows hard, forcing her tears back, putting up the mask again.
"It's not up to you to save me, Jack," she says. Her words are like a sucker punch.
"You're right," I softly concede. "Only you can do that."
She doesn't pull away and I think about how much I would like to kiss her. Just once. Her beautiful, pink lips are so full and look so soft and curve perfectly. I wanted to kiss her last night, but I blew it. I remember just how close our faces were and how beautiful she looked underneath the light of the stars with beer-soaked strands of hair sticking to her forehead. I think I just might take a chance and kiss her now because this may very well be the last time I ever see her again.
Fuck it.
I nudge my face closer to hers and she's not pulling back and my chest is pounding harder than it was before. Is that my heart? Oh my God, it's beating so fast that I can hardly take in a full breath. Her wide, watery eyes dart between mine and my lips.
Fuck it.
I lean in a bit closer and our lips are just barely touching and she doesn't pull back and…
Wait—
Oh my God. She's not pulling back.
I press my lips to hers. Just once. It hardly even qualifies as a kiss but my knees are already weak and I can't pull myself away from her. Not now. Not when her lips are touching mine. I lean in again, but this time she parts her lips the slightest bit. For me. And it's more than I could've ever imagined—more than I could've ever asked for and I can't stop now. Not even if I wanted to. She parts her lips even more and I'm kissing her. I'm actually kissing her. And she's kissing me back
She's opening her mouth and moving her lips in sync with mine and they're so beautifully warm and slick and so much softer than I dreamed they would be. My heart is pounding in my ears now and I can feel her warmth throughout my entire body. The soft sounds of her breathing and our lips moving make my head buzz and I curse the part of myself that thought I would ever know what it would be like to kiss her because nothing could compare to this—could compare to the real thing.
She tilts her head, letting our kiss deepen and I think that there has to be a God because how else could something so wonderful exist were it not being crafted by the hand of the Divine? This can't be the last time I see you. It just can't.
But suddenly, she places her delicate hand on my chest and pushes me away the slightest bit, making me feel like I've fallen from cloud nine and crashed landed onto the pavement. The absence of her lips on mine feels wrong and has my entire body running cold. My eyes search hers, half worried that I overstepped, half craving the blissful heat of her mouth again, and entirely desperate for her.
"Jack," she breathes as she tries to collect herself. "This is wrong."
"Does it feel wrong?"
The words come out before I think better of them. Maybe it's wrong of me to push her like this—to confuse her and take advantage of a vulnerable situation. But when she looks up at me, eyes full of sadness and longing, it's all the confirmation I need to know that she feels this thing between us too.
She shakes her head. "It's not that simple."
"It could be." I caress her cheekbone with my thumb. I love this girl. I love her so much. It's a crazy thought, I know. But I can't deny how I feel. And I've never been one to solely act on reason—on logic. And I just know that given the opportunity, she would be the same way.
"Jack, I—"
I interrupt her before she can continue. Because she's stubborn, but I can be stubborn too.
"Rose, look me in the eyes and tell me you truly want to marry him," I implore.
"It does not matter what I want," she responds.
She sounds so broken as the words leave her lips. She can't even look at me as she says them and I just want to shake her and ask what the fuck they did to her to make her think this way.
"Do you really believe that?" I ask softly.
My hand is still on her face but I can't get her to look at me anymore. She's taking in sharp breaths to dry the tears in her eyes and suddenly she feels so distant even though our faces are still just inches apart. Her gloved hand shakes as it reaches up to pull mine away from her. That's when she finally does look up at me. But the longing from her eyes has gone and is replaced with just nothingness—like the light has already gone out.
"This was a mistake," she states, the words cutting me. "I'm going back. Leave me alone."
She slips past me before I get the chance to say anything else and walks out the door. Out of my life. Forever.
And I watch.