Almost Weekly Santa Alter: V
He could feel the Servant on the other side of the door, he would be surprised if they couldn't sense him either. It was nothing more than a simple log cabin, big enough only for a single person to comfortably live in, perhaps two but nothing else.
A brief pause as he watched the windows on either side - curtains drawn to stop anyone looking inside - flashed up brightly again, accompanied by a muffled cry of pain and a brief wisp of smoke leaking out before the noises fell silent and the light faded back to regular levels. It had happened intermittently as he approached for seemingly no reason.
No, that wasn't true.
There was a reason but he couldn't figure out why it was happening.
His eyes turned down towards Fou, the white animal just stared at the front of the cabin for a moment and then looked up at him, tilting its head silently. As though asking him what he was going to do about it. A fair enough question, this was far enough out of the way that Ritsuka would likely never encounter it and whoever lived inside was showing little to no attempt at leaving in the time he approached.
Not even stepping outside during the entire period that he had spent outright walking up to the cabin.
It just seemed as though they didn't care much for whether they were approached or not. He suspected that it would change the moment he stepped inside but that was all dependent on whether he did in the first place. His lips dragged themselves down into a frown, his eyes lingered on the windows for a moment before he took in a breath and then exhaled. Standing out here in the cold would solve him nothing and he couldn't very well leave a stray Servant without at least meeting with them first.
With his mind made up, he stepped forwards and placed his hand on the doorknob, turning it with a gentle click and then pushing it open. The smell of burnt flesh hit him for a second and he froze at the emotions that washed over him for all of half a second. He twitched and then pressed onwards, swinging the door open fully and stepping inside as he did so, eyes sweeping over the room before landing on the far corner.
Just in time to watch the pillar of burning human collapse to the ground, menacing flames of orange and indigo clinging to the body as it gradually faded away into ash, leaving behind only a dark mark on the floor where the human had once been and somehow avoiding setting the rest of the interior alight with the same flames. A morbid achievement.
With a flash of light, a new figure stood in the stained spot, a rather overweight figure with pale white robes, a deep velvet shoulder cape and long embroidered golden scarf along his back and down his front. The name flickered through his mind, someone whom he was familiar with through deeds if nothing else. Though it was likely only because of the second figure in the room that he was even able to put a name to a face.
Though he could tell at a glance that this was no real living human, nothing more than an image crafted in the likeness of them with no soul. He doubted they even had an ounce of self awareness within them. All the same, they bore the face of Pierre Cauchon. Who promptly stepped away from the table and whimpered in terror, much like some manner of frightened animal.
He couldn't find it within himself to be moved by the pathetic display, content with offering the copy a dispassionate glance before his gaze fell onto the actual individual in the room.
Short pale white hair, black darkened fabric with form fitting blackened metal across her waist and abdomen, a 'm' shaped tiara across the front of her head. The pale yellow eyes of the woman turned on him and promptly narrowed, a mixture of disgust and annoyance the longer she stared at him, then her eyes flickered down towards Fou before her lip curled upwards, with a snort she turned her head from him and back towards whatever was on the table, seemingly dismissing his existence entirely.
Though he was more puzzled by the fact she was here at all.
The Jeanne d'Arc from the Singularity in France was nothing more than a figment who would perish without the grail. A wish made from the mind of Gilles de Rais, a false existence. Yet now she sat there across from him, barely more than three or so metres, and looked very much alive and well. In a completely different time period as well and completely without his knowledge.
How had she managed to arrive without him realising?
"How long are you gonna stand there with the door open? You're letting out all of the warmth you ass!"
Without even sparing him a glance she shot out the rather indignant words, he paused for a moment before taking a look at the door. Stepping into the house itself and then closing it behind him, shutting it with a click and bringing his attention to the altered Jeanne d'Arc.
Evidently she knew he was still in the cabin, she glanced towards him and then visibly rolled her eyes in annoyance before she waved a hand. "I found this little house first. It's mine and I'm not interested in sharing. Go and find somewhere else to squat, like the cold."
"I have little interest in claiming this hut." Whether she believed him or not was something he wasn't interested in. "I merely spotted it from a distance and came to investigate. Nothing more and nothing less…though your appearance here at all is something of a surprise. Especially considering that you should no longer exist at all."
That earned a response, she turned and narrowed her eyes at him as though seeing him for the first time. With a scowl, she looked him up and down before letting out a derisive scoff. "Am I supposed to know you from somewhere?"
"We met in passing only." There was no reason to lie to her. "I was present during Chaldeas intervention in the Singularity in France. Though we shared no words between one another and never once crossed blades."
Her face fell and she made a noise, dramatically throwing her head back and letting out a rather explosive sigh, her right hand came up and rubbed her fingers along her temples, gradually giving way to an annoyed groan as she dragged the hand down the front of her face. Eventually her gaze fell to him once more and she directed a clear mixture of frustration and exasperation at him.
"Are you being serious? I come here and the first one to actually blunder through that door is one of you guys? That's just great. That's just perfect." She practically hissed the word at him, turning in her chair and dragging it along the floor with a sharp crack as she did so. Resting both hands on her knees. "That's not even a bad joke, that's just spitting on me and calling it comedy. So what? Are the rest of them just skulking about outside or something or are you just given free reign to go for walkies?"
He just gave her a slow blink.
"How long have you been here?" The change in topics earned him a baffled look, more on account of just ignoring her insults he suspected. If she tried that on anyone else she might well have earned a reaction though. "It cannot have been so long…more to the point, have you spent your entire time here just making copies of that thing to kill over and over again?"
With a wave of the hand, he made a gesture towards the copy of Cauchon who flinched as they found themselves under the gaze of Jeanne d'Arc Alter once more, they whimpered and made themselves into an even smaller ball. The woman just glanced between the two of them for a couple of seconds before she scoffed loudly, bringing her focus to him and folding her arms over her chest. "Why do you even care? We're just here so you can fight and kill me or whatever so when are you going to get to it?"
When was he going to get to it?
His eyes looked her up and down, the confidence she displayed was betrayed by the fact he could sense her power. She was barely even a fraction of the strength she displayed during the Singularity. She might have been stronger than the summons that were coming down but that was a low bar to pass. He was certain she knew it, killing her here and now would be akin to slaying a naked hollow in a graveyard with much the same difficulty.
"...Do you want to?"
She stilled, rising up from her seat rather sharply and looking up into his eyes, the incredulity in her gaze was palpable as she repeated the words back to him. "Do I want to?"
"Yes." He confirmed. "Do you want us to fight here and now? Because I will if that's what you want to but I have no interest in doing so otherwise. Quite frankly…" he trailed off, his gaze flattened as he stared at her before bringing his shoulders up in a faint shrug. "I don't much care for getting in a fight with you. I have no reason to do so. Your desire to destroy France and threaten human history was born of your creation. A construct with intellect and little else."
Her lips curled in disgust as she threw her arms wide. "So what? That's it? You're just going to act like nothing happened?"
Silence, then he replied. "When I last saw you, it was when you were determined to burn all of France to ash and transform the country into a graveyard." he gestured around them. "Now you are here, squatting in a cabin in the middle of the woods in Lapland, centuries from the time and place and without even an ounce of the power necessary for your goal. Seemingly content with burning this figment again and again for whatever reason. I'm sure you can see where the problems arise. You, at current, are not a threat to human history."
The scowl deepened. "I'm in a Singularity right now, how do you know that I'm-"
"I made the Singularity." She was silenced by his swift reply, her eyes widening in surprise and her jaw clamping shut. "I suspect the only reason you are here is because I granted the foundation for abnormalities to appear. Yet you are here all the same with no real method or means of carrying out your goal-"
"My goal?" The Dragon Witch spat with a clearly mocking tone of voice, sneering at him before throwing herself back down into the chair. "What sort of pointless fake goal is that? Burning France for something that never even happened to me? Tch. What an absolute joke that would be. All I even know of that clown is that he helped kill Jeanne d'arc. I'm not even her so what would be the point of trying to burn down France?"
The answer to that went without saying.
He exhaled, then looked to the table she was sitting at. Raising an eyebrow as he stared at the rectangular board sitting atop it with a series of symbols in square boxes. Though he could not make heads nor tails of the words written on them, he could see the symbols and understood some of them. A man behind bars, some manner of law enforcement officer, a train and a watering tap.
Dismissing it, his eyes turned back to her.
"So if you're not going to fight me then what the hell are you even doing?" Jeanne asked him with a snort and a curl of her lips. "And making this Singularity? I thought you were all about protecting human history with all of those Chaldea chumps with that dumb peasant girl you've picked up. Have you turned away from all those do-gooders or something?"
"Hmph. Nothing like that. It just suited a purpose to make a Singularity here at this time and place."
The Dragon witch flattened her features, then let out a deep groan, both her hands covered her face as the disbelief was audible from her, she leaned forwards in the chair and continued to breath out irritation from her every action. She certainly never lost face despite her weakness, maintaining her confidence in insulting him or being visibly annoyed with his actions and words.
Cauchon continued to whimper, he would admit the noise was starting to get a little grating on his nerves. A flash of annoyance as he shot a look towards the copy and glared it at in an effort to silence it, the response was more incoherent mumblings and a series of animalistic noises, utterly unfit for a human being to make. Though he reasoned that it was no human being in the first place.
He felt less guilty that way.
He blinked as his hand was suddenly by his side, Galvatyne in his grasp and with the blade now slick with blood. His eyes looked up and down it, then turned his eyes to the now silent Cauchon, a slash across their chest and slumped against the wall, their body started to fade away into dust, the false blood peeled away from the sword as he clicked his tongue in annoyance at his brief slip of control, mounting the sword back into it's holster on his back and turning his eyes to Jeanne.
She was staring at him with an unreadable expression.
"It was starting to annoy me."
It was the first thing that popped into his mind, he really disliked that but it was the truth. Whatever impulse had driven him, it had gained a foothold through his brief slip of emotion and nothing else. Once more, the distant emotions were buried deep within him. Dragging his arms back to his side and keeping them there.
"...Whatever, not like I can't just make another." She dismissed quickly, though he noticed the slightly intrigued look she shot him. Leaning back into her chair rather lazily, throwing her arms over the backrest and crossing her legs over one another. A frown swiftly formed on her face as she seemingly realised something, or perhaps recalled something. "This is to do with Christmas, isn't it? I bet you probably made this Singularity so you could all mess around here during the holidays, right?"
He suppressed a blink of surprise. "You catch on quickly."
"Why else would you come here? It's basically worthless every other time of year." A snort. "The sort of thing I would expect you all to do though. Still really carless though, isn't it? Making an entire Singularity just to mess around? Are you guys sure you really care about humanity at all if you have the time for this sort of thing?"
He couldn't quite help the bitter snort that escaped from him, it earned him a raised eyebrow but nothing else. She probably didn't realise just how close that comment hit home for him. Did he believe they had time for this sort of thing? No. If he had his way, they would be doing nothing but focusing on the Singularities and cutting out all of this distracting nonsense from their lives entirely. Something that he, deep within his being, considered to be an utter waste of both time and resources.
The fact he participated at all was nothing more than a joke but here he was, actively helping them.
"Ritsuka would probably disagree with you. Others would as well." He added on with a shake of the head, stepping backwards and to the side, leaning his weight against the wall of the cabin and folding his arms over his chest, his eyes moved down to the log fire that burned not far from them. He felt the subtle clench of his hands into fists as he stared at the flames. Of all the memories, those never left him. "I'm sure he would give an impassioned speech about the meaning of Christmas or how these moments make living worth it or something along those lines…"
"Sounds like drivel."
"Hmmm." She had him there. "Probably. I'm sure it means more to other humans than it means to me but I understand that much. Maybe you do as well." he looked to her from the corner of his eye. "Gilles made you solely to hate France, didn't he? That's the entire reason you exist, just to exact his vengeance."
She scowled at him. "Rub it in, why don't you? Yeah, I'm a fake. Get fuc-"
"I'm not mocking you." He quietly cut her off, sending her a look from the corner of his eye. "Just that I'm noticing something of a similarity between the two of us. That being that we were both set down paths with neither one of us having much choice in the matter of whether we wanted to walk them or not…"
It hadn't really occurred to him until just now either.
Maybe that was why he didn't dislike her presence in spite of her past, she didn't have much choice in whether she wanted to destroy France or not. It was just something she had been compelled to do.
"You still hate France, don't you? Even if you know they never did anything to you in the first place."
A disgruntled click of the tongue and a sour look was the reply to his words, but it was more or less an admission. He knew it would be like that though, a path so deeply ingrained into one's being was not so easily cast aside. Though they were not totally the same as one another, it was likely the principle of the matter.
"Hate it or not, I still went out of my way to set it on fire in the first place." A beat of silence, then she sent him a sneer. "Or are you going to absolve all my heinous actions with the simple belief that because I followed orders it's all alright? Maybe you can give me a sob story and I'll convert myself into becoming a fully fledged defender of mankind while I'm at it."
"...A crime remains a crime. Whether it was done of our own accord or not. A debt is owed."
Her lips thinned.
He shrugged. "That is how I view it at least. Whether I was influenced or not, whether you were influenced or not, we still committed actions we knew to be evil but did nothing against. Else you would not refer to them as heinous actions with such a straight face. The benefit of hindsight doesn't change the fact people are now dead because of us. Blame isn't so easily passed away."
Jeanne looked at him, then her eyes twinkled as her lips pulled into an almost sharp grin. "Oh? So what did you do that you feel so bad about?"
"...I don't feel bad about it. Not the first one but I'm sure many would not look at me kindly. Though whether it was done out of mercy or anything, it is still the act of killing." Smacking his lips together, he blew air out from between his teeth. "As for what I did? I killed them."
A raised eyebrow. "Killed who?"
"Everyone. Those who still walked across the earth and everyone who might yet have lived. I alone decided that life was no longer worth living for those who remained or those who might yet live and figured it was better for them all to die."
He frowned.
"Maybe if I had stopped there I would be fine with it all. But I tried it all over again recently. I just looked at all of human history and found I couldn't agree with it and tried to kill Ritsuka. Ending the efforts to restore humanity and permanently dooming them to oblivion because of the fact I just didn't like the way they were living. Seems a bit small looking back on it but that's just my thoughts. I don't agree with how humans live."
He didn't put much emotion in his words, he didn't need to. He was just stating a simple fact of life. His own life at any rate.
Silence from the dragon witch, he didn't expect a comment from her, she just stared at him as though she was seeing him for the first time. It might have been a big surprise for her to learn that someone who opposed her probably disliked humanity as much as she did. It was a surprise to him as well but here they were.
No, it wasn't that he disliked humanity.
He just liked them too much.
Ironic.
"Hang on, then what the…" She fumbled over her words, then squinted at him. "Is this some sort of practical joke? Am I getting punked here?" her head whipped around, rising up from her chair rather swiftly and marching towards the windows, throwing the curtains aside and sticking her face right up against the glass. Looking left and right before turning back to face him with her brows furrowed and her lips in a deep scowl.
"Alright, that's a funny joke. Where is the part where you say you got me?"
He raised an eyebrow. "I'm not all that funny."
"...Seriously?" Her shoulders dropped, her head hung low and then started to tremble, it started as a low noise at first but then grew in intensity, eventually reaching the point where it bounced across the walls. "Hahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Throwing her head back and letting out a laugh straight from the gut, the Dragon Witch raised a hand to cradle her forehead as she staggered backwards, continuing her tirade of laughter while showing no sign of stopping.
His eyes briefly lowered themselves to Fou, the small white creature waddling across the floor towards the direction of the fireplace. Not even showing an ounce of care for what was happening around them, he doubted they even did in the first place. They were here to watch him for their own peace of mind, not partake in this sort of conversation.
Dragging his gaze back to Jeanne Alter, her laughter started to die down as she pointed towards him, through tear soaked eyes she managed to mumble out a few words through a wheeze. "T-th-that's actually-snrk- that's hilarious! That's the best worst joke I've ever heard in my life! The guy who doesn't like humans is now helping save humanity and wandering around to literally make Christmas! Are you being serious right now? Hahahahahahaha! Is that how you atone for your sins or something? Hahahaha!"
She laughed but he didn't think she was all that far off.
He shrugged his shoulders at her, not sure of what else there was to say. "That is more than likely my reason for doing this. It started out as trying to help humans and just devolved into killing them." briefly uncrossing his arms just to wave them about the room. "Now here we find ourselves. Me trying to make Christmas and you…playing some sort of board game all by yourself in the middle of nowhere."
That managed to suck the laughter from her rather quickly, her expression fell into an annoyed scowl for only a brief moment, then was reduced to nothing. Blowing air out of her mouth, she walked back to her seat while shooting him an annoyed look for only a moment. Then waved her hand. "Alright, fine. We both fought and lost. We're big losers stuck at the mercy of the holidays now. Yippee."
As she moved past him, she abruptly paused and whirled on him, a sudden look of realisation on her face as her hand whipped up, a finger pointed straight at his face. "Wait a damn second, you made this Singularity?"
"Yes."
Impatience moved across her face. "Then where the hell is he?" she snarled and pointed downwards, "I've been here for damn near hours without even a single sign of him showing up here. I've even gone out of my way to decorate this little cabin, I've got his milk and cookies and all that and I wrote to the damn guy and he still hasn't shown up! So what's up with that? Where are you hiding him?"
He was utterly lost with this conversation, playing the sentence back on his head before he arrived at his answer. "Are you asking me where Santa is?"
"No, I'm asking you where the Pope is-of course I'm asking where Santa is, you meathead!" With a snarl, she stomped her foot down hard enough to crack the floorboards, stepping closer to him and glaring up, her hands on her hips and her teeth barred. All things considered, she seemed to be rather incensed at the lack of Santa Claus.
"Which one?"
She opened her mouth to reply, then paused and furrowed her brows, taking a single step backwards and dropping her arms to her sides. Bewilderment washed over her face next as she was seemingly at a loss for words. "You wha-?"
"Which Santa?" He asked again, scoffing as he did so. "Apparently there might be three. The King Arthur from Fuyuki now calls herself Santa and is currently walking around this Singularity with a Ritsuka as her reindeer or some other such nonsense, there's another King Arthur who claims to be Santa and is being dragged around on a sleigh pulled by wyverns, there might also be a third Santa who is now wandering around this frozen land currently trying to kill Krampus."
He folded his arms tightly. "I would say you are spoilt for choice on whichever Santa you would like to call upon."
"...Are you being serious right now?"
"You seem to ask me that question frequently." He noted aloud with a tilt of the head. "Why do you suppose my answer would have changed?"
She exploded at him after that comment.
"You couldn't even get the actual Santa Claus to show up!? All you could manage was some damn english King parading around with a fucking hat? Two of them at that! The third just sounds like an unhinged nutter!" throwing her arms up, she continued on. "What the hell was the point in all of this if it's all for nothing? How the hell can you make a Singularity in Lapland, the literal home of Santa, and not even get him to show up!? How can you be that bad at this?"
"Hmph. I don't care much for the holiday in the first place beyond the fact it was just so Ritsuka could have fun. What interest did you have in Santa Claus in the first place?" He looked her up and down before something clicked in his head. Her entire reason for being here and the fact she was despondent over his failure to summon the real Santa Claus in the first place. "Wait…were you hoping that you would meet with him? You said you wrote a letter for them?"
Jeanne Alter froze up after he said that, an unreadable expression passed across her features before it wilted away. Replaced only with simple annoyance as she turned from him once more, stomping towards the chair and rather aggressively throwing herself into it, dragging herself towards the table and letting out an angry snarl.
He stared at the back of her head, then stepped away from the wall and unfolded his arms. "Why did you want to meet Santa?"
"The hell does it matter now? He's not going to show up in the first place."
"I'm asking because at this point, I am rather bewildered as to the interest with it." He replied, frowning as he did so. "For Ritsuka and the others it makes a sliver of sense to me, this is the sort of holiday I would expect for them to celebrate in the first place. Even those who remain in Chaldea. You, who tried to destroy all of France and aid in wiping out human history?" he waved at her. "For what reason do you now sit here and write letters to Santa and decorate this house."
"You got a problem with me doing that?"
He lowered his arm, then turned away from her. "...Not in the way you'd think."
"The hell is that supposed to-" She cut herself off rather suddenly, straightening out in her chair and staring forwards. Rather slowly, her head turned until it was facing towards her, her eyes wide and dancing with amused disbelief, her lip twitching up and down as though trying to fight back a laugh. "Wait…are…are you jealous that I can actually celebrate Christmas and understand it?"
He grimaced but said nothing, dignifying that question with an answer would only embarrass himself. Especially because she was right. The fact that they both more or less tried to contribute to the same end goal, even with their lives twisted from conception, and she could still understand enough to celebrate a holiday like this. It did vex him, he was probably jealous of her. She should have been utterly devoted to destroying France and yet she displayed little to no interest in pursuing the goal at the moment.
She was sitting here trying to get an audience with Santa Claus for whatever reason.
How could the two of them end up so different when their paths had been forced upon their minds?
Why wasn't she just a tool for the destruction of France and nothing else?
"Snrk." Another round of laughter threatened to bubble its way out of the throat of the woman before she visibly fought back the urge. Coughing into her raised fist as she did so and muffling a chuckle under her breath. He probably would have preferred if she just laughed in his face again rather than that half-hearted effort to conceal it. She certainly wasn't doing it on behalf of his feelings. "That's absolutely pathetic, you know?"
"...Obviously." He scowled. "You think I do not understand that? I'm supposed to be the one trying to help save humanity and yet I can't understand a single thing they do nor can I appreciate it." his arms came up. "This is a time of celebration and I have, quite literally, had to drag myself around this land, summoning others to help because I can barely tolerate the thought of contributing to this…and you can just do it without any effort? Who wouldn't be angered by such a display…so yes. I am envious that you can…put your obsession with destroying France down to such a degree."
She raised an eyebrow at his words, then a soft huff emerged from her throat. "Drag yourself around? Are you really telling me that you're going out of your way to make yourself miserable just because it might make someone else happy?" His lack of an answer was clearly one unto itself, her lips curled in disgust before she shook her head. "Are you some sort of masochist or something? Why would you go through the trouble of doing something so dumb?"
Why?
"Do you want to know what would make me feel at peace, right this moment?"
"No but you'll probably tell me anyway-"
"My associates are having a Christmas party out here somewhere." He ignored her with a general sweep of the hand. "The mere thought of them devoting their time to something so utterly pointless in my eyes makes me want to vomit. I'm burdened with the memories of thousands of such parties and all I think of when I see them is how much I would want to kill each and every single guest."
A shrug.
"I don't even hate them. I actually like the images of humans visibly enjoying themselves but it does not conform to my beliefs. So it is wrong and they must die. That is simply the way it is." He pointed straight down. "But now I am here, helping in the very same event. Working towards the goal I would just as easily kill every single participant of, just because. "
Silence from the woman, then furrow of her brows. "Are you just some sort of run of the mill psycho or something?"
"I'm compelled in much the same way you were compelled to destroy France. It's not that I want to…it's ultimately what I am. What we both are." Gesturing between the two of them, he could only focus on his discomfort with his own honest thoughts. He hated how right they felt to him with the admission. "What we both should be. It is a great effort to contain myself even now from reaching across and killing you, not for your crimes but just because you're sitting here decorating a house for the sake of a holiday."
"...Ba humbug to you too then." He could tell she understood his words but she just kept making jokes, or he assumed they were jokes. There wasn't a lot of humour in her voice as she stared at him with an utterly vacant expression. "So what you just hate fun then?"
"...No, not hatred anymore…unease with feelings, perhaps. I don't like what they inevitably lead to." He frowned, bringing his hand up and rubbing the back of his head. "Though I am burdened with the weight of millions of minds and all their emotions, each of them whispering their hatreds and grudges to me. Anger is not something I feel now…I experience it, but I don't feel it."
A scoff. "Is this some sort of bad poem now?"
"My point is that you should be no different from me. The fact you aren't working towards the destruction of France - the fact you are amused by anything other than butchering the inhabitants of the country - is…confusing to me. You, like me, should find the mere thought of deviating uncomfortable to the point of self-loathing for even considering it…but you're just here. Celebrating Christmas."
"Hmph. Guess that just means I'm better than you then." She snorted at him, looking as though she was deeply enjoying this. His hands balled into fists, a wave of anger shot through him at her expression before it faded away, replaced only with exhaustion. The frustration bled out from him as he stepped forwards.
The Dragon witch tracked his movements, not once taking her eyes from him as he walked around the table and lowered himself down into the seat adjacent to her. The wood creaked beneath him before it fell silent, his lips pursed as he stared at the table itself. He could think of a few words he needed to say.
"...How did you free yourself of the compulsion to burn France?"
"The hell makes you think I'm free?" The woman shot back instantly, scowling at him and resting her arms on the table. "Every time I think of France at all I just feel a big spike of disgusted fury. Even the thought of the land fills me with nothing but red hot anger…I'm not even the real Jeanne and I can't stomach the thought of France existing but…"
Her expression shifted, she exhaled and closed her eyes. "But I had my chance and I blew it. Tried and failed and all of that. Can't make the same effort ever again because I'm not a real Servant in the first place…I'm not so stupid that I can't see I'll never get that revenge."
"...That was poor phrasing on my part." Rubbing his hand along his chin, he frowned in thought. "What I meant to ask is…how are you able to tolerate anything that isn't trying to destroy France? Even if you understand you can't obtain your wish…how are you able to sit through something like this? Smiling all the while. You tried for an audience with Santa, surely aware that he would not grant a wish to destroy France-"
A bark of laughter cut him off. "I didn't want Santa here to blow up France or something. I wanted him here for the ultimate board game where I can turn everyone who plays into destitute losers." her fingers drummed on the pale cardboard square on the table in front of them. "This is the closest I can get so far, but it's the game that everyone can have fun playing…especially the winners and with this, I can be a winner."
"...A board game."
"Yeah."
"You…" He couldn't even complete the sentence, it just didn't make an ounce of sense to him in the least. She wanted Santa here for the explicit purpose of giving her some sort of board game that would make her win? Or she wanted a board game that was easy for her to win? Neither of those two sentences made much sense to him.
"Not what you were expecting?" The woman sneered at him. "Well, sorry I'm not some bland idiot who wished for the power to burn all of France. I just wanted the better version of Monopoly. The sort that makes everyone who plays break down in tears when they end up losing, all while the winner revels in their victory."
Bringing his hand up, he rubbed at his eyes with his fingers and pinched the bridge of his nose. Keeping it there for a moment and then lowering it back down as he tried and failed to come up with a reply for that. In terms of goals, that seemed as though it was a considerable step down from what she had been initially aiming for. At this point he wouldn't so much call her a threat to the world as much as she was just a menace to children.
He stared at her, looking right into her eyes, and saw that she was being completely serious.
…This person had been a threat to human history?
…How?
"Returning to my original point. I am merely curious as to how you would be able to break out of your role as the destroyer of France and into this…" His hand waved to her up and down. "It is…even though your anger remains. You can evidently find humour in other things. There are other things beyond the destruction of France that you can work towards…I would never even consider stepping away from my duty and yet you're here writing letters to Santa and playing children's games?"
"It's Christmas-"
"That isn't an answer for me." He clicked his tongue at her and leaned forwards in his seat. "This is just like any other day of the year for me. Why should I view this as anything special? For what reason am I supposed to care for it?"
The Dragon Witch made a face like she was going to be sick. "Because it's the time of Miracles or whatever else. You make some sappy wish or write a hopeful letter to Santa to give you whatever it is you really want and then that's supposed to make you happy or something. Don't ask me because this is literally the first time I've ever done something like this and I don't intend to spend it babying your ass through the basics of the holidays."
"It's not the basics of holidays I need." He stressed with a shake of the head. "What I need is to understand why you, of all people, can sit through something like this. We are both supposed to be compelled along a single path with no plans for us to deviate and yet…" he trailed off, they had been over it but it made less and less sense to him the more he spoke of it.
Different in design but not in principle. The wish to destroy France was literally engraved into her entire existence. Like him, the sole reason for her existence should be for the destruction of France with every single action she took working towards that goal. She had no foundation with the original Jeanne to divert her attention elsewhere and there was no alternative relation to sway her mind. She had somehow managed to break it under her own power and he didn't care if she said it was still there or not, the fact of the matter was she wasn't trying to work towards entering France again.
If he had been in her shoes, he was in her shoes right now, and it felt as though his body was crawling with insects. His skin felt as though it was protesting his every action and everything he did here sent his very spirit through a litany of emotions.
"Where you hoping for some manner of wish to complete this rejection or something along those-"
"Rejection? I'm not going to reject hating France." She cut him off with a bemused scoff. "Sure, France didn't do anything to me personally but that damn Saint literally died for that place. So of course I'm going to hate it because it's something she loved. I don't really need a reason to hate it beyond that."
Hatred? Was it really that strong a motivator?
No, he had hatred in spades now.
He felt it every second of every day.
The hatred of millions.
There had to be more to this than she was letting on.
"...That can't be it."
"You're really adamant about this?" A chuckle from the woman, she knew the importance of this and was now relishing every single second of his discomfort. Leering at him with clear provocation, as though she was just trying to tease him with the actual answer. "What, are you actually looking at me as though I'm like that Saint? Like I'm going to just unfurl my banner and lead you right to the answer like a good little sheep if you beg hard enough? Tough."
…The temptation to reach across the table and just snap her neck was beginning to seem more and more appealing by the second.
A smirk from the woman.
"Tell you what." Humming, she leaned back into the chair and looked him right in the eyes. "You give me your sob story and I might even give you a couple of bread crumbs. It's gotta be something good if you're really that desperate about it. The sort of conviction that leads you to almost murdering your own Master? This had better be the best sort of story out there for you to just betray them like that."
He took in a deep breath, then exhaled.
"...My mother raised me to kill myself."
The face of the Dragon witch flattened.
"From the moment I was born, the Goddess Gwynevere used her charm to influence my mind to submit to her every word. I became so utterly dependent on her attention and her words that I would do whatever it was she asked of me. Making me utterly convinced by her arguments and way of thinking. I truly believed the only value of my life was killing myself for her sake and that is exactly what I did. Throwing myself into the Kiln of the First Flame and then burning alive…all of which ended in failure as the flame deemed me unworthy and was just content with killing me."
He waved a hand.
"My mothers words still echo through my mind. As does their appeal. No matter how much I want to hate her…they won't let me. I'm compelled to just…" His lips pulled into an empty smile. "But her words are the only thing that keep my mind grounded now. Remembering who Gawyn was, who he became. That is what lets me stay sane…even now, I depend on her words for my own benefit and I…I don't want to have to love her anymore. Who wants to love someone who literally raises them for the sole purpose of killing themselves for their own benefit? Isn't that wrong?"
Silence.
The Dragon Witch opened and closed her mouth several times, her expression cycling between disbelief and incredulity before finally settling on bewildered shock as she leaned forwards. "Wait, did you actually just…did you really just tell me your sob story without even hesitating? You didn't even pause or anything, you just dumped me with your entire life story without even blinking."
Raising an eyebrow, he looked at her oddly. "Why is that some manner of surprise to you? You were the one who asked to begin with."
"Yeah but you didn't even hesitate." She blurted out, still seemingly at a loss with what had just happened. "I offered you a slight chance that I could tell you what I did to change a little and then you just belly flopped into doing what I asked without even cursing me once. Shouldn't you have put up a little more resistance against adhering to the demands of a witch?"
Should he have?
Well, maybe.
But at the end of the day, he was more focused on getting rid of whatever lingering influence his mother had on him. The fact he had felt this entire time with nothing less than disgust aimed at himself during a period which was supposed to be a time of great joy, to the point where even someone like this warped version of Jeanne d'Arc could take the time to appreciate it was approaching the last straw.
Ritsuka had gone out of his way to try and keep him around with the belief that something could be done for him, maybe he could change or maybe he couldn't. But if Jeanne d'Arc Alter could sit here and think of something other than the destruction of France, then there was just a chance - just a sliver of hope - that he might be able to do the same with his own devotions.
Maybe so that Ritsuka wasn't truly wasting his time but…but he did not want to submit to being nothing more than a victim of Gwynevere. He was more than the remnants of whatever Gawyn was. He was going to be more than them. If it was at all possible, then he at least owed it to those who had the slightest ounce of faith within him to try. That and it would separate him from his old life once and for all.
"At this point…I am not sure what I would do for the sake of freeing me from this way of life." He mumbled to himself, shrugging his shoulders and frowning. "Besides, between the two of us, I would wager that I am the greater evil than you."
That earned him a frown but little else.
Eventually, Jeanne d'Arc Alter just sighed once more and rolled her head backwards, a quick chuckle rippled from her throat before she looked forwards. The grin on her lips grew larger and larger as the seconds ticked by, adjusting herself in her chair before speaking once again. "Still, if this is all just to reject the wishes of a Goddess…I guess I can play the part of a Saint for this one little instance. Leading people away from the path of the divine does have a certain appeal to it…alright. I guess that I can bestow some little traces of wisdom on you…"
Falling silent, she pointed a finger at his face. "But you better appreciate this. It's definitely going to be a one time thing. Don't come looking to me to become a guidance counsellor or some sort of moral leader like that uppity Saint…and don't take her advice either. It's crap. She'd just tell you to believe in the power of friendship or whatever."
The power of what?
"Now then…as for what I'm doing to be free of all of this."
He leaned forwards just a touch.
She just shrugged her shoulders. "I'm doing this for me. Why the hell should I devote all my efforts to just burning down France if I'm literally nothing without that?" she scowled, her hands curling into fists. "So what if I started out as nothing but a tool for Gilles? As long as I'm actually able to, I'm going to show that punk-ass Saint that I'm better than her. If for no other reason than because I can."
"...Because you can?"
"What other reason do I even need?" A scoff from the woman and a shake of the head, she now looked at him as though he had said something stupid. "I can, so I will. There's nothing else for it. You think I'm going to be stopped by something as stupid as the lack of France or being a figment? I'm going to become real no matter what you say about it or that joke of a Master of yours. Just. You. Wait."
He wasn't paying attention to her anymore, tuning out her words after the last sentence. Placing his elbow on the table, he leaned his cheek onto his fist and scrunched up his brows in thought. For such a simple reason as because she could? Was that really how it was supposed to work? She wanted to be more than what she was so she just went and did it? Ritsuka had alluded to it but he wasn't sure if it was supposed to mean anything to him at the time.
As for right now…
He wanted to know why people - why humans - appreciated Christmas. He wanted to know why they would accept something like a Singularity just for the chance of being in this land as though it was anything more than a pile of snow. He wanted to know why it was that they didn't accept his way of thinking.
He just…wanted to know who he was supposed to be protecting in the first place.
Maybe more than all of that.
He wanted to know what sort of life he could have lived if it had been anyone else he was born to. Perhaps if his mother had chosen another or perhaps if he had been born earlier or later. If he had been anyone other than Gawyn, what would he appreciate in life? What would he grow to care for? What would his goals be beyond this version of himself?
"...Is that alright for us to want?"
"Who cares. I'm doing it anyway." A dark chuckle from the woman. "You think I'm going to ask permission for something like the right to exist and live how I want to? I'm the dark Saint, remember? The Evil Dragon Witch who burned all of France. I'm going to do as I damn well please, regardless of what you or anyone else has to say about it…You can do what you want, I don't really care."
He believed her on that front.
All the same, this was the information that she was giving him as a method of finally breaking free of Gwynevere and becoming something that could actually understand human mentality. That could truly live.
Doing all of it because he wanted to.
He grimaced at the familiarity it held with the words of Francis Drake, her entire spiel had made him despise her to the point of wanting her dead but…but now, with hindsight, perhaps there was some trace of wisdom in her words. Only trace amounts though, the fact even the other humans looked at her with the same level of concern was proof that she was something of an extreme but all the same.
Humans need to have wants.
What did he truly want?
What was the thing he had wanted?
…He could not think of something he wanted aside from not being Gawyn but…but what did that actually mean in the first place?
This was rather more complicated than he envisioned but he didn't expect it to be easy.
Now though, there was proof in principle.
Jeanne d'Arc Alter provided it to him.
Someone could turn from the path that had been engraved on them by another, maybe not entirely, but just enough that they could still become their own person with their own wants.
"...Thank you, Jeanne d'Arc." He gave his serious thanks to the woman, something that she was visibly surprised by as the smirk faded away from her face and was replaced by a simple frown. "You have…I do not believe you could understand what you have provided me with but I shall tell you all the same. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for this."
She visibly shuddered at his words, making a face as though she had sucked on something sour. "Eugh. Don't get all mushy on me, it's disgusting. You've already ruined Christmas for me by failing to bring me the actual Santa Claus, don't make this worse by trying to act all grateful or something. I did this just to piss off whatever Goddess gave birth to you, not because I care about you or something, dimwit."
He flattened his features. "I wasn't going to mistake it for something like that. Your motivations matter little, all I need are the end results and I can at least make use of these." rising from his seat, he rolled his shoulders and took a single step forwards, making for the door.
A hand clamped down around his wrist. "Where the hell are you going?"
He paused, then looked down at her. "What?"
"You think you can just show up, ruin Christmas, take advice from me and then peace out?"
What?
"No way. Sit your ass down. You're not leaving until I get even with you."
He was more guided back to the chair and sat down, watching as she whipped the board around between the two of them and locked eyes with him. Waving a hand over the board and then smirking. "I'm going to pay you back a thousand fold for this. You're not leaving until you're crawling on your hands and knees begging to be sent to jail in order to avoid giving me money."
He blinked at her. "...What?"
She frowned. "Monopoly, you idiot."
Another blink.
She rolled her eyes. "You…for crying out loud. Just…fine. Listen to me and understand what I'm telling you. You just roll the dice around and then land on the properties after travelling whatever number you just rolled on the dice. Aside from that, if you land on either a chance card or a community chest and the have to read from those-"
"I can't read."
"...You are utterly useless, you know that?"
"..."
"...Tch. Fine. Back to square one it is then. I'll just read them for you or whatever."
He had no idea what was going on anymore.