GODZILLA

David strapped himself into his Jaeger with the air of a man going to his execution. He flipped through the startup sequence, pounded on a screen to make some alarms go away, and pitched forward onto his face as the mech rose to its feet.

"Alright, Inko, time to prove that hard work beats raw talent. I've put my entire career into this marvel of engineering. No half-baked mech you cobbled together can triumph against this!"

A titanic shape stomped closer on the ocean floor. An ominous light-blue glow lit up the trench's walls, and giant eyes peered out of the inky blackness.

"I leave one week to destroy Tokyo," Godzilla rasped, "And I come back to find someone in my trench?"

David raised the mech's fists into a boxing position. "I don't know how or why Inko brought you into this world, but I'm going to take you out of it!"

"Inko? What is this Inko you speak of, tin can?"

"Wait. Inko didn't make you?"

"Is Inko a giant lizard that looks a little uglier than me?"

"Uh… no?"

The trench rumbled as another giant monster stomped towards Rapture. An even bigger Godzilla peered down at its daughter and asked, "What did you just say about me?"

"You heard me."

"Oh, you think you get to bad-mouth your mother because you get all those big movie deals? Those deals came from me! I built the entire business model of destroying Tokyo on camera."

"I do other things too, mom! I destroyed New York once! I even fought two monsters while doing it!"

"Bah. Back in my day, I had an entire rogue's gallery of beasts and mutated horrors to tussle with while Tokyo burned. Do you think I'm impressed seeing you team up with some oversized primate?"

"King Kong was just tagging along. I could've done that myself."

"Oh really? Then why does your fan site have such a small following?"

The younger lizard suddenly looked nervous. "F-fan site?"

"Yeah, the one only for fans."

"Mom, please tell me you didn't see my Onlyfans."

"Onlyfans, more like only a thousand fans. What do you even get from that?"

"A million a month."

The mother froze. "Why don't I have one of those?"

"Because no one wants to see your wrinkly hide."

"Oh really? Bet I could get a million fans, no problem!"

David Shield awkwardly cleared his throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but neither of you were made by Inko?"

"Is Inko a giant lizard that looks a little uglier than me?" the elder Godzilla asked.

A third lizard hobbled over with a cane. Adjusting their glasses, the wrinkly lizard asked, "Are you bad-mouthing me again?"

As the three lizards squabbled, David's mech rose into the air. All around him, Rapture's glass domes detached from the ocean floor and drifted upwards like bubbles.

"Aw man," Godzilla said. "I wanted to break that city."

Both older godzillas snorted. "Destroying some underwater city, what nonsense. Who would pay to see that?"

500

Nezu, munching on popcorn: let them fight