NSA

"Tinfoil won't help you withstand eldritch influences."

Aizawa tugged his tinfoil hat tighter against his scalp. "Just do your Hero Move, and don't cause an apocalypse."

"Relax. I thought of something that doesn't use any eldritch emanations whatsoever. I got the inspiration from a completely mundane, man-made source."

Aizawa lifted the tinfoil a bit. "Oh?"

"The NSA."

Aizawa shoved the tinfoil back into place. "Tell anyone my browser history and I will make you suffer."

"Why would I even - you know what, I'll just start."

Wings sprouted from Shoji's back. Eyeballs opened across their surface. Ears swiveled around the room like radar dishes.

"I hear an armed robbery, twelve blocks down. Suspect has a mutant porcupine Quirk and is using a replica .44 magnum loaded with paint pellets. The hero waiting outside should run in and freeze their feet to the floor."

As Aizawa made a quick phone call, Shoji said, "Gas leak, twelfth and sakura, approximately twelve minutes remaining before the gas reaches an unattended stove."

Aizawa sent out the evacuation order.

Shoji's wings grew. Mouths opened, and slender tongues tasted the air. The eyes became bloodshot, and the ears took on a tapered, alien appearance. "Elderly man, fifth floor, room 0512 of the LaRousse Apartments, just tripped stepping out of the shower and broke his hip. Twelve fractures."

While Aizawa called emergency services, Shoji said, "Alleyway next to a bar, two teenagers smoking cigarettes."

"Uh, Shoji, I think that's a bit too far…"

"Man in a white Toyota Prius, driving down Highway MM, inebriated .002% over the legal limit."

"How can you even tell the BAC?"

"Sweaty NEET in parent's basement, downloading 1.2 terabytes of illegally uploaded pop music."

"That one's barely even a crime."

Hizashi, room 1-A, filling Aizawa's jam packets with sleeping pills."

"That son of a-"

"Aoyama, eating cheese twelve hours past its expiration date, Ochako, using too many coupons at the grocery store, Yaoyorozu, made a pen because she forgot hers, Bakugo, assaulting pigeons, Iida, speeding, Mineta, thought of holding someone's hands, Izuku, not human-"

"What was that?"

Shoji levitated into the air, wings outstretched, eyes twitching erratically as they observed every conceivable facet of reality. In a hundred voices echoing in a discordant chorus, his hundred mouths said, "All your sins are laid bare at my feet, from the tiniest babe to the feeblest elder. None of you are worthy. The gates of heaven are closed, and there is no messiah to cleanse you of your sin. Repent, and prostrate yourselves before the cleansing of the world!"

Aizawa used his Quirk. His eyeballs melted, but Shoji's wings receded back into him.

"Ugh, feels like I just had the internet downloaded onto my brain. Do you know how many people are watching porn right now? Because I do. It's a lot."

"Are you sure the NSA isn't an eldritch entity?" Aizawa asked.

"You know, I should ask my parents." After a beat, he added, "Also, why were you looking up maid uniforms?"

499

Shoji, horrified: why are you showing me this?

Aizawa, in a maid outfit wearing cat ears and serving tea: because no one would ever believe you. Would you like some more tea, master-nya?

Or, alternatively,

Shoji: why were you looking up maid uniforms?

Aizawa: *sweats nervously fantasizing about serving Nezu tea and cleaning his office in maid uniform*

Aizawa: it's a sex thing