CORVID

"Brace yourself, teacher," Tokoyami intoned. "I am about to unleash upon this poor, unfortunate wad of plastic and foam a horror unlike any other the world has seen before, a phantasmagoria of vile and regugnant scenes which-"

"Say another word and you fail."

Tokoyami's beak clacked shut. He walked up to the test dummy and cleared his throat. Umbral powers coalesced around his hands, and the lights flickered as an eerie ambience chilled the very air.

As the room approached pitch darkness, Tokoyami glared upon the dummy, reared his head back, and softly sneezed on its chest.

Aizawa raised an eyebrow. "Is that it?"

"Give it a moment."

Aizawa gave it a moment. Then another. Just as he was about to mark down a failure, the test dummy sneezed. The sneezing turned into deep-chested coughing, with bits of foam spraying across the floor.

The test dummy's eyes sprang open. "Toilet paper!" it screamed and ran straight through a wall.

Tokoyami stared after it as it ran for the nearest convenience store, coughing on everyone in its path. "Where exactly was it made?"

Aizawa picked up the stray manufacturer's tag on the floor. It said, with stars and stripes and a screeching red-tailed hawk in the background, 'Made Proudly in the U.S.'

"Oh no. Why couldn't it have been made in China like everything else?"

The American newscaster slipped her face mask down her chin. "Good evening, and welcome back to Foxy CNNMSNBC news conglomerated, your one stop shop for all the latest politician-approved propaganda. Tonight, we have coverage of a local supermarket as CORVID-2219 sweeps the nation. Tom, how's it looking out there?"

Tom hunched under a raincoat as a spurt of ketchup violently drenched him. In the background, people with facemasks and kitchen towels over their eyes ran in circles, groped around empty shelves, and shoved anything they could find in their carts. "Well, as you can see Linda, it's a really rough shopping spree out there. The antibacterial soap and hand lotions are all gone, and rednecks have taken over the toilet paper aisle."

In the background, a woman screamed as a man dug into her fanny pack, ripped out long strands of toilet paper, and shoved them in his mouth.

"Well, viewers," Linda said, "There might be a toilet paper shortage, but you can always make the most out of a crappy situation by recycling your face masks as impromptu toilet paper. The president additionally suggests gargling gasoline, rubbing sandpaper between your legs, and sacrificing your first-born to NPC Tik-Tokers to stay safe during this unprecedented pandemic.

As a woman strangled Tom with his own waistcoat shouting her babies need his blood, Tokoyami turned the T.V. off and said, "Boy am I glad to live here in Japan. Nothing crazy ever happens here."

A giant scaled fist clawed through the wall, ripping away the T.V. Behind the Kaiju, Mount Lady rose up and put it in a headlock.

"Ooh, the new Hero Fight's on."

500

I am way too proud of that pun.

Also, fun fact, that stereotypical bald eagle screech you hear in American media is actually the red-tailed hawk. Bald eagles sound far less impressive.