Chapter Thirty Seven: Somewhere to Land

Next time I woke up, the spring rain was coming down hard outside the window. I considered going right back to sleep again, but decided I would have the rest of my life to sleep. I needed to spend some time with my brother.

I wandered out into the main living area and Eerin was still reading away at the dining room table. He looked up from his book when he heard me come in. "Ah, the creature lives and has come out of its cave."

"I could have easily slept for another eight hours, I can't explain how incredible it felt to sleep in a bed. I'm a new woman!" I chuckled as I stretched out my arms and legs. "I've never slept so well, I swear."

"Have you ever had a bad nights' sleep in your life?"

"Oh, many things have changed since we've last seen each other, dearest brother of mine." I looked around the kitchen and searched for something to throw together for breakfast. "Not even the mountains can sleep when they experience snoring dwarves."

"Dwarves?"

"That's not even the beginning of it. Where the hell is all the food around here?"

"Whoa, you're not getting comfortable, are you? Do you remember what I said yesterday?" He let out a series of sharp coughs and took out his handkerchief. "I said you could sleep here for one night and then you'd have to go mooch off one of your other siblings."

"You're going to throw me out on a day like this?" I gestured to the window and the rain. "I know you enjoy your loneliness, but have a heart for once? Tell me what food you have and I'll throw something together for breakfast for the both of us, looks like you could use it. Who has ever heard of a skinny hobbit."

"I'd rather starve than eat your cooking, Lydia."

I burst out with a loud laugh and pushed some dirty dishes into the sink. "I wish I could say that it has improved since the last time we saw each other, but I'd be lying. Still, it's better than nothing even if you think otherwise."

His shaky hands put his book down and he pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what your plan is here, Lydia? Are you trying to take the house from me or something? Why are you sniffing around here all of a sudden?"

I took a deep breath and leaned against the table. I guess he was done beating around the bush, I could only avoid the conversation for so long. We had started it yesterday, but I guess it was time to be fully honest with him.

"I hope that over time I can give you the full story of my journey, Eerin. Everything that has occurred in the last year has been…more than I could have ever dreamed for myself. But, in the end I lost someone very close to me, maybe more than one, I didn't stick around for that long after the battle unfortunately. I…I'm not the same person I was before I left and a lot of who I became and who I wanted to be was because of that person."

"What, were you in love or something?" he scoffed, knowing my impersonal history with relationships.

"Deeply." I took a moment to push the emotions back down, I could feel them creeping up my throat. "Once he was lost, I was displaced for a while. Didn't know where to go or what to do since I didn't want to go back to my old life in Bree. I didn't want to travel alone to a new land and get myself killed, but I couldn't stay in Erebor. Hobbits don't belong in a place like that, as much as we pretended that could ever happen. So, when I reflected on what I wanted to do next…I wanted to go home and see my family. I wanted to see you."

He furrowed his dark eyebrows and crossed his arms. "Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'? Because when Mom and Dad died we scattered like bats in the sunlight and I missed what we all used to mean to each other! When I saw someone I deeply care for die in front of my eyes, I wanted to be surrounded by family. Is that so crazy?"

Most people would have responded with sympathy but of course Eerin was skeptical. "And this isn't some sort of crazy story you've made up?"

"Of course not, do you realize who you're talking to?" I was not a master manipulator like my other sisters. "I enjoy my stories but they're all true."

"As you've said, so much time has passed by. Maybe you've realized that trying to make a life in Bree was a waste of time and you decided to make up this huge story about dwarves and the love of your life to get me to open my door." He coughed into his handkerchief but waved his hand at me when I approached to assist him. "Who knows, maybe you want the house. Or the land. Greed has made people do crazier things."

"I can't disagree with you there, I've seen greed do crazy things to people as well. But I stand here and tell you honestly, I am only here to spend time with you and heal."

His expression softened but he slowly shook his head. "But…why do you want to be here? Can't you heal with any of the others?"

My throat seized up like I was going to start crying but I stood up from the table and cleared my throat to pull myself together. "When did you become so cruel, Eerin? I wanted to reconnect with my family and you tell me to go somewhere else?"

"I-! Ugh look, there's a reason I don't have visitors and I really-" He took a sharp intake of breath and then burst out into another coughing fit.

I grabbed a cup of water and pushed it in front of him. "Take a drink, old man, before you keel over."

He grabbed the cup and glugged it down, stifling back the coughing. While he was drinking, I looked at his handkerchief and saw that it was spotted red. I felt my heart slow in my chest and my senses went dull, remembering a similar sight. I slowly slid into the dining room chair across from him and watched him.

It took time but he slowly caught his breath and was able to speak again. He wasn't able to look at me as he eased out of his chair to get more water.

I asked, "You have what mom and dad had, don't you?"

His dark eyes landed on me. "No! That would be-!"

He stopped himself mid sentence and took a long, thoughtful drink of water. I could see his brain trying to decide how to handle this situation. He used to do the same thing whenever Mom and Dad interrogated him and he needed to decide whether to tell them the truth or not. It was bizarre to see this sick man look so much like my brother.

"I guess there's no point lying to you. Yes, I've had consumption for years at this point and it's contagious, so I do not want you here."

"Eerin…is this why you kicked us all out? Did you get it from Mom and Dad?"

"Of course, I'm the one who took care of them until the end."

"Who is taking care of you then?"

"Lydia-"

"You think I don't remember how they were years into being sick? What can I do to help? Clean? I can clean the entire place. I'll go hunting and shopping to get some food. If you won't eat what I'll cook I can always sell whatever I hunt and-"

"Lydia…you could get sick just as easily as I did. I'm not going to let you stay here. You've already stayed too long." I pressed my lips together. "Do you have any idea how terrible I would feel if you were to get this terrible illness? I would never be able to live with myself."

I could empathize with what he was saying. If I was in his similar situation, I probably would have done the same exact thing. But that didn't change the fact that I had just learned that my big brother was dying and I…wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I didn't care if I was in danger, fear seemed to be a feeling that had been dulled to me, I just wanted to be there for him. After everything I had been through, fear for myself was something I wasn't sure I could feel anymore. I feared for him and only him.

"I'll stay in the girls' bedroom at night and during the day I'll stay outside as much as I can. I'll keep my distance. But I want to take care of you Eerin. I can only imagine how impossible life has been for you and how long it's been this way…please let me do this for you." He opened his mouth to argue with me but I held up my hands in defense. "I'll leave the house for the day. I'm going to go hunting and be amongst the forest. If you truly do not want my company or my help, keep the door locked and I will go elsewhere. But even if a small part of you wants me around, I will come back and do anything I can. Does that sound fair?"

Eerin did look exhausted, which made him look even older than he truly was. I remembered when Mom and Dad were sick, towards the end of it they had such a hard time sleeping from coughing fits. I hadn't realized how much he looked like Dad as he got older, so I guess that meant I looked like my dad as well.

"I…" He stopped himself and just nodded, taking his book and heading back into what used to be the boys' room.

I really wasn't sure what he would decide, but I was going to keep my word. I grabbed my travel clothes that he must have brought in from outside. They were luckily warm and dry from being by the fire. I guess it didn't matter much though, since I was heading out into the rain. I gathered what few things I had and again walked out the doors of my family's home.

The hissing of the rain hitting the wet grass was followed by the fresh smell of spring. Gilda was tucked under some trees, still eating away at the sweet grass. She was covered and seemed very content where she was, so I decided to leave her be and go hunting on my own. I left most of my things with her, but I did take one of the bags and the bow I received from Beorn.

I looked up to the cloudy sky as the rain fell, rolling down my face and dampening my curls. I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing myself to feel the cold water travel down my skin. I needed a few seconds to just settle into the world around me.

I said to Gilda, petting her side, "I would have loved to show Thorin around this place. Holding hands in the rain, telling him stories of my childhood, keeping each other warm…but I guess this will be okay as well."

I pulled the hood of my cape over my head and rushed off into the cover of the trees as the rain came down even harder.

After hunting in the rain, I was feeling more connected to myself than I had since I left Erebor. I was bringing a few rabbits back as well as some foraged berries and mushrooms that I had tucked away in my bag.

"If Eerin turns me away he won't get rabbit soup, how could he resist?" I told myself, watching the dark clouds begin to lighten as the sun started to sink over the horizon. The rain lightened and eventually ceased all together.

I removed my hood off my head and took a deep breath of the air right after a storm. The air smelled like juniper and pine and was filled with the sounds of frogs and birds chirping. I was towards the outskirts of the forest, looking west towards Hobbiton. The dark clouds had turned fluffy and pink, stretched out against the red and orange sky.

Everything was so still. That's probably what I liked most about traveling, with or without dwarves, were the moments of stillness and peace. Given, it was a lot more rare when I was with the others. It was that much more precious because it happened less often though. I've had a lot of those moments on my way back to Bree, but that particular moment did feel special. I guess the only issue was that I had to have it by myself once again.

I took a few more moments to try and commit the exact hues and scent to memory.
I took one of the berries out of my bag and popped one of them into my mouth. I nodded, the taste bringing thoughts of my hunting trips with my father to the front of my mind. I hadn't thought of my family this much in years. I just had to hope that Eerin would accept my help and let me in. I just knew in my bones that was my purpose for returning to these hills.

And I needed a purpose again.

I adjusted the bag on my shoulder and then turned my attention to heading back to the family home. I'd like to believe that if it started getting darker, it would make it more difficult for Eerin to turn me away. I had been surprised on this trip how much he wanted to be left alone. It was at least reassuring to know that it mostly stemmed out of wanting to keep us safe instead of just suddenly wanting to have nothing to do with any of us.

I did have to consider what I would do if I was locked out though. Trying to hunt down my other siblings was not impossible, but my best bet of finding somewhere to sleep I would probably have to rely on Joseph. He was probably the only person who was excited to see me.

I felt better knowing I had a backup plan but I really did have my heart set on staying with my brother.

I approached the cottage tucked into the side of the hill as the sun continued to set. I could see that there were candles lit inside. He was at least still alive.

The fireflies were rising out of the grasses and Gilda looked up at me as she laid near the front door. She looked at me and then lowered her head back down, looking like she was ready to go right back to sleep. She deserved to rest as much as she wanted after all the relentless traveling we did, so I let her be.

I took a deep breath as I stood in front of the large, circular wooden door. I was so much more nervous than I thought I was going to be. I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and then raised my hand up onto the metal door handle. I slowly attempted to twist it.

It was locked.

My heart sunk down into my stomach and I sighed. I promised I wouldn't argue with him. If the door was locked, I would take myself somewhere else. It was decided, I would have to go to Joseph's and hope his wife didn't mind me being there for at least one night. I didn't have much of a plan for after that but I knew I'd figure something out.

"Oh well," I told myself, turning my back to the door and facing back towards Bree. "More rabbit stew for me, I guess."

I took a single step towards Gilda, to collect my things and head back into town. My ears perked up as I heard the door click and open behind me. I looked back over my shoulder and Eerin stood in the doorway.

"I'm fucking with you Lydia, come on in." When he smiled, he looked decades younger than he did that morning.

I grinned from ear to ear and rushed to grab my things where I left them, by Gilda under the tree. I rushed inside the warm hobbit hole saying, "I knew you couldn't in good conscience let your little sister out in the cold."

"Oh pipe down before I change my mind," he chuckled then coughed a bit. "We both know it's because you come bearing food."