AUDIT
"I'm pleased to report there have been no major findings. Some training areas lacked handrails, just get those installed, alright?"
As the auditor put their clipboard away, they noticed a dusty door tucked into a corner. "Hold on. I don't believe I audited that area."
"It's just a broom closet. Hardly worth checking, no?"
"I pride myself on being thorough, principal Nezu. Now open it, please."
"As you wish."
The door swung open. The auditor reached in, yanked the light switch, and recoiled in horror. Under the flickering light of the bulb, hundreds of thick centipedes writhed on every surface in the closet. Seeing the door open, the centipedes raised their heads.
"You brought food?" they asked in a chittering chorus.
"Maybe later," Nezu said. "This nice man here just needed to look inside. He will be leaving now."
"Goodbye nice man. Please turn out the light."
As the auditor lacked the mental faculties to do more than huddle on the floor and moan in terror, Nezu yanked the light and ushered the poor man towards the nearest corner.
"Rest assured, they're quite harmless. We feed them a Gen Ed student now and again to keep them peaceful."
"Pest control violations… improper sanitation… light fixture in need of repair… so many violations…"
A loud squeal rang out. A pig scrambled into the hallway, its feet skittering on the tile floor. Lunch Rush lunged after it and plunged a knife into its belly. Blood splashed across the walls, the ceiling, and the auditor's face.
With one long slash, Lunch Rush disemboweled the screaming pig. He rummaged through its entrails and pulled out a bag of rice and packets of sashimi grade tuna.
"Short-grain, nice. These will make lovely donburi bowls."
"You feed that to the children?" the auditor screeched.
"Of course," Nezu said. "Completely renewable food source. Watch."
Lunch rush took some blood and put it into a machine. It rattled, dinged, and a door opened. A pig walked out, confused, and Lunch Rush disemboweled it.
He held out a packet of chocolate pudding. "Would you like some?"
The auditor took off running. A robot wagged its arm from behind a door and asked, "Can we come out yet?"
Down another hall, the auditor slid to a halt as they beheld Mineta bound on a crucifix, sobbing as students dressed in robes laid torches at its base.
"There's no way I can possibly pass this!" the auditor wailed. "This school must be shut down! Immediately!"
Nezu snapped his fingers. Centipedes dropped onto the auditor. As they tore into his flesh, Nezu put some blood in the machine. He guided the cloned auditor out and said, "No major findings, I only asked them to install some handrails."
The auditor clumsily repeated after Nezu and stumbled out the front door. Nezu dusted his paws and said, "Ah, another successful audit!"
Cementoss asked, "Should I install some handrails?"
"Of course not! Just say we did, and we'll pretend they fell off or something."
499
You can never have too many handrails. Even my home inspection called out missing handrails.