WITCHCRAFT

Father Baker adjusted the amish hat perched atop his unruly blonde hair and surreptitiously wiped the sweat off his hands. "Foul demon!" he cried. "You stand accused of sorcery most vile, including contaminating the harvest…"

A farmer said, "I ain't never seen corn grow so big. Tis unnatural!"

"...poisoning the water supply…"

"I can't even taste the water we're pulling out of that there well," a woman burst out. "It's like we're drinking nothing!"

"...and sullying the minds of our children!"

One of the children asked, "Is the world really round?"

A mother shushed him. "Of course it isn't sweetie, just look around! Does the world look round to you?"

"If it wasn't flat, then why can't I see the bottoms of those trees?"

The mother made a cross on her chest.

Father Baker thumped on his Bible. "What say you, demon? Do you deny the charges?"

Izuku's eyes lit up and swept over the priest. "You appear to have a malignant tumor in your lung. Would you like me to remove it for you?"

As Izuku's finger turned into a scalpel, the priest shrieked, "It's going to attack! Burn it, now!"

The townsfolk hurled torches and pitchforks at the base of the post Izuku was tied to. Izuku was soon engulfed in an inferno.

"In the name of God in heaven, be cleansed from this world, vile demon, and return to the pits from whence you came!"

The post crumpled into ashes. As the fires faded, Izuku rose and dusted himself off. The priest held out the bible like a protective talisman and said, "It resists cleansing! Swiftly now, cast it into the holy water!

The townsfolk tried grabbing him, only to yelp as Izuku's glowing hot skin burned them. They used pitchforks instead, prodding Izuku until he walked into the stone-lined pool in the church. The water bubbled and steamed, shrinking slightly as it evaporated. When the bubbling ceased, the water turned cloudy, obscuring the bottom.

"See?" Father Baker addressed his congregation. "The foul demon is no more!"

Izuku stuck his head out of the water. "There are numerous contaminants in this water, including lead and mercury. Would you like me to purify it?"

Father Baker gasped. "The demon is mocking us! Swiftly now, to the noose!"

They prodded Izuku over to a hangman's stand. Father Baker blessed the rope as he tied it around Izuku's neck. Hand on the lever, the priest said, "In the name of the father, I condemn you to death for your sins! Now begone!"

Father Baker pulled. Izuku dropped, the rope snapped, and the entire platform collapsed in a pile of broken timber.

Father Baker drew a pistol. "Requiescat im pace!"

The bullet ricocheted off and hit Father Baker. Blood ran down his forehead. He plucked the metal from between his eyes and said, "See! God protects me!"

Then he doubled over and coughed up blood. As the congregation panicked, Izuku said, "I warned you about the tumor."

496

Priest: foul demon, prepare to be cleansed from this Earth

Momo: *pulls a gold bar out of her cleavage*

Priest: *kneels* thank you oh lord for delivering upon us this divine angel!