HOGWARTS

Izuku stepped forward as his name was called. When Professor McGonnagal placed the hat upon his head, it said, "Well? Where's the student?"

"Whatever do you mean?" McGonnagal asked. "You're sitting on him!"

"Nonsense! Did one of those pranksters transfigure a coat rack again?"

From the Gryffindor table, the Weasley twins whispered, "Blimey, I think he broke it!"

"If you're so certain, then allow me to prove it." McGonnagal raised her wand and said, "Finite."

The hat looked down. "Still nothing."

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Could you kindly pick a house?"

The hat sighed. "Very well. You have green hair, green eyes, and probably green blood. Someone as green as you clearly belongs in… Slytherin!"

All the Slytherins cheered. Izuku sat with them and promptly shoveled all the magical food into his mouth, which quickly ended the cheering and started a magical arms race for the last plate of beans on toast.

Later that night, as Harry and Ron snuck out for a wizard's duel, they noticed Izuku sneaking towards the third floor corridor. Prior engagements forgotten, the two boys followed along as Izuku opened the unlocked door, suplexed the three-headed dog within, and descended through the trap door.

Peering down, Harry said, "Are you sure we should go down there? You heard what the headmaster said about an instant, painful death."

"Yeah, but is it really going to be that painful if it's instant?" Ron pointed out. "And besides, that bloke's so Slytherin their hair is green. They're clearly up to something, and we're the only ones here to stop them!"

The two boys jumped in and promptly broke their legs on the stone floor, amidst the ashes of the Devil's Snare that was supposed to catch them.

Izuku picked a lock, moved a single chess piece, sliced the troll in half with a lightsaber, and drank all the potions before walking through the flames.

Izuku didn't see anything in the mirror of Erised. No images of himself topping the hero charts, or eating a mountain of precious metals, or even holding the Philosopher's Stone.

Izuku punched a hole in the mirror and pulled out the Stone.

"That belongs to me, child," Quirrel hissed.

Izuku scanned the professor. "Either you have a disembodied soul living on the back of your head, or you have a brain tumor. Would you like me to remove it?"

Quirrel raised his wand and spat out, "Avada Kedavra!"

The green light washed over Izuku. Izuku took out a vacuum cleaner and turned it on. Quirrel tried to move away, but the powerful suction tugged him closer and closer. The turban got sucked in, then the hideous face behind his head.

Quirrel patted his head in amazement. "I'm free!"

"The tumor is in remission. Additional chemotherapy may be required."'

Izuku's legs sprouted rockets. He blasted through the castle, flew back to Japan, and gave the Stone to Inko.

"Thanks dearie." She set it on top of a pile of papers. "That'll make a nice paperweight."

500

Voldemort, trapped in a jar: release me, you vile muggle, or I will feed you your own entrails!

Inko: sounds like somebody wants to inhabit a gas station toilet

Voldemort: I'll be good

I may or may not have started playing Hogwarts Legacy.