Taking another sip of his scotch, Aaron can finally feel some of the anger and frustration slip out of him. He's still wound up, but at least the red fog has lifted enough to allow for some clear thinking. He can't let it go completely though, for some reason needs to hold on to the anger. If he is honest with himself, it's probably to avoid more unpleasant feelings, guilt being one of them. But he's not ready to be honest yet. He empties his glass, ready to pour a new one when the doorbell rings. Always careful, and especially at night, he checks the peephole first before swinging the door open to reveal his visitor.
"Dave? What are you doing here?"
There's a look on the older man's face that Aaron can't quite read. Whatever it is, it's not good, he knows that much.
"Can I come in?" Rossi replies, his voice not yet betraying his intention.
Aaron steps aside and motions him in. When he turns back after closing the door, he gulps at the look that is now firmly in place on his friend's face. He's angry.
"JJ just called me, told me that you made Emily so upset that she actually got sick. Do you care to explain that?"
That takes him by surprise, and finally lifts the last of the haze of anger. "What? Is she okay? And the baby?"
"They're both fine," Rossi replies curtly. "JJ and Garcia are taking good care of their friend. Now, do you want to tell me what the hell happened?"
Hotch sighs and goes to grab an extra glass before sinking back into the chair he previously vacated. He pours them both some scotch as Rossi settles on the couch directly across from him.
"That bad, huh? What the hell did you do, Aaron?"
"We argued about what happened earlier today. Emily is not supposed to put herself in danger like that, but she brushed it off like it was nothing. She insisted I was letting my personal feelings get in the way of the job, but refused to acknowledge how reckless she and Morgan were today. I tried to get that through to her, but you know Emily, she doesn't give in. She just kept challenging me." He falls silent, feeling the rage build up again while simultaneously dreading the next part.
"For the time being, I'm going to ignore your one-sided, finger-pointing version of events. Because I'm guessing more words were exchanged than that, and those are probably what caused this mess. So what happened next, Aaron? What did you say?"
Aaron contemplates whether he can avoid diving deeper, but knows his old friend will get the truth out of him eventually. As far as the two of them go back, the man has a fierce protective streak towards Emily, almost father-like. "Emily's arguments kept coming down to me no longer being able to separate our personal from our professional lives. She pushed me on it one more time and I… well I may have said that I couldn't. That it was too hard."
"And?" Rossi prompts as Aaron falls silent, guessing that there is something his friend is leaving out.
"And… that she didn't get to judge me, not after Doyle. That's when she walked out."
The silence that follows seems to drag on forever. Aaron can feel the glare coming from his old friend even before he sees it. And when he does meet the older man's eyes, realization finally sets in. The anger that previously guided him, seemingly justified from his position as Unit Chief, starts making place for something far more unpleasant.
"You're an idiot," Rossi finally says, when he can see his friend's expression and demeanor change.
Aaron sighs. "I know. I just- I'm not sure what happened. Or why."
"I think I can help you out there. Just remember that I'm doing this for your benefit and Emily's, so hear me out and don't bite my head off, okay?"
Aaron grunts, but motions for his friend to continue.
"I think we need to go back to the bank robberies in May, when Emily defused a bomb that was seconds away from exploding. You already knew she was pregnant then, right?"
"Yes, I did," Aaron replies slowly, unsure where his friend is going with this.
"Okay, so how did you two handle that? It couldn't have gone very badly, because both JJ and I started noticing the changes between you two after that – good changes, that is."
"I shut Emily out initially because I didn't know how to approach her without alerting everyone to our situation. But when we got home, she demanded we talk about it and we did. I explained how worried I was and why I reacted the way I did. She said she understood and promised to be more careful. We moved past it."
"That sounds reasonable. Now, I think it's safe to say that what happened today was nothing compared to the situation back then. So why do you think you blew up today of all days?"
"I don't know, Dave."
"Yes, you do, you just don't want to admit it. You say you moved past it, but I don't think that's entirely true. You nearly lost the woman you love, as well as your child. Again." Rossi pauses for a second, raising his eyebrows while waiting for Hotch to fill in the blanks. The younger man sighs when he makes the connection.
"Foyet. You think this goes back further than May, all the way to losing Haley?"
"I know it does. And since you don't seem to realize how, I'll spell it out for you. Haley had already left you because she thought you put the job before her and Jack. In essence, she thought you were a better agent than you were a husband and father. Now I know that's not true, but you took her word for it. Then Foyet came along, and you couldn't defeat him. I saw what that did to you. You thought you failed as an agent too. And then when he came after Haley and Jack, those two things came together in a perfect storm. Now I know you always fought like hell to be a good agent on the job, and a good man at home. But you thought you failed at both those things, and took all the blame for letting that man come near your family. You probably felt weak, vulnerable, like you were no longer in control of any aspect of your life. You vowed to never let anything like that happen again, as much for Jack's sake as your own. How am I doing so far?"
As much as it pains him to admit it, Aaron knows Rossi is absolutely right. Although he never even admitted it to himself as such, that's exactly how he felt at the time. He still does, sometimes.
"I guess you make a good point."
"Yes, I do. Now, fast forward again to the situation back in May. You have a beautiful girlfriend who loves you and is pregnant with your child. Knowing you two, you probably agreed right from the start to keep the professional and the personal separated. Still, I imagine you were trying just a little harder than usual to keep her safe so you wouldn't face a repeat of 2009. And you were probably doing a good job of it, too. Your work has been nothing but steady the past year, and given that you're still with Emily, you've been doing more than okay at home too. In theory, you were doing everything right. And yet, you almost lost her and your unborn child on your watch."
Aaron interrupts him then. "I already told you Dave, we moved past that. I was worried about her safety and I had a hard time not showing it while we were still on the job. But we talked about it, and figured out how to deal with it should it happen again."
"I'm sure you did, but that might be the problem. You only told her you were worried, and that's the part that you two dealt with. What you didn't tell her was that it made you feel weak and vulnerable all over again. That you felt like you failed her, both professionally and personally. Maybe you didn't even realize it at first, but once you did, you wouldn't admit it. You just made sure, for real this time, that you'd never find yourself in a situation like that again. You've been harder on her since May, on all of us really, as Unit Chief because the job had to be done to perfection. There was absolutely no room for error, no room for anyone to come close to harming Emily again. You've also become more protective as her boyfriend and father of her child. Because only if you excelled in both parts of your life, you felt like you could protect her like you couldn't protect Haley. But you know what I always say about burning the candle at both ends. Eventually, those two parts of you collided. No, worse than that, they each counteracted the efforts of the other. Your control was slipping, but you weren't ready to admit that. And then today happened. You saw a glimpse of what could happen if you didn't keep up your perceived perfection."
Seeing that Aaron is ready to interrupt again, Rossi raises his hand. "I'm almost done. You didn't like what was happening, but before you could restore it, Emily called you out on it. And she called you out good. Not only is she a damn good profiler, but she knows you better than anyone. She figured out what was going on with you. It probably hurt, but instead of admitting as much, you fought her. You denied it all just so you wouldn't have to feel like a failure again. And when she pushed, you decided to hit her where it hurts the most. Because you knew that would shut her up."
With the final piece of the puzzle falling into place, Aaron slumps back into his chair. "I'm an idiot, Dave."
"Yes, we've established that. But it's not too late to fix things."
"Isn't it? You said it yourself, I hit her where it hurt the most. She doesn't trust easily, doesn't let people in until she's absolutely sure of them. It's no wonder, given everything she's been through in her life. And I promised, I promised her Dave, that she could trust me. That I'd be there for her, no matter what. But because my ego got hurt, I broke that trust, the one thing she values most. She has no reason to trust me on my word ever again. And the situation with Doyle… I know that's one of the most painful parts of her life. She's still recovering from that, and I used it against her. I fucked up, Dave. I don't know if I can fix this."
The older profiler takes a moment to let that sink in. "I'm not going to lie, it won't be easy. Earning her trust back might take some time. But Emily has a big heart, and she needs you as much as you need her. You'll have to man up and tell her what I just told you. You need to tell her she was right about everything, and you need to explain exactly why you acted the way you did. Then you're going to apologize and beg for her forgiveness. And then you need to leave it up to her. Whatever she needs from you to grant that forgiveness, you give it to her. Time, space, whatever. I don't know exactly what it will take, but I know you two will find a way to make it through this."
"I hope you're right. I can't lose her," Aaron replies dejectedly.
Rossi rises from the couch and moves past Aaron, patting the younger man on the shoulder in comfort. "I know, but you won't. Now, go get some sleep, alright? You need to be clear-headed tomorrow."
Aaron gets up to see his friend out. "I will. Thanks, Dave, for knocking some sense into me."
"Anytime, Aaron. Anytime." And with that, Rossi is out the door and Hotch is alone once again. He decides it's indeed a good idea to get some sleep, but finds himself unable to do so. The fight with Emily keeps playing over and over in his mind, making him feel guiltier by the minute and more desperate to come up with a way to fix it. It also doesn't help that he's gotten all too used to falling asleep with Emily in his arms. Much like when they're away on cases, he finds himself missing her presence and warmth, not to mention the fluttering of their baby when he wraps his arm around her stomach. After another good hour of tossing and turning, exhaustion finally wins out, although his physical and emotional discomfort continue to haunt him in his dreams.