Episode #2:
The Man-Hater!
FEATURING:
JOSH KEATON as Dr. Tofu
TED LEWIS as Akimitsu
ANDREW FRANKEL as Ichiro
JONAH SCOTT/TRAVIS WILLINGHAM as Tatewaki Kuno
A DAY OR TWO AFTER THE FIRST…
Kenma was still asleep in his sleeping bag, his thoughts miles away from Nerima. In fact, his mind was focused on a glorious seafaring adventure, in which he and his brother were a pair of privateers matching wits against their arch-nemesis, the dreaded Panda Beard [named for his distinctive facial hair]—
"WAKE UP, BOY!"
Genma bellowed as he yanked the sleeping bag away, sending Kenma spinning right out as he landed on the floor. The younger Saotome brother pried himself to his feet, cursing his father under his breath.
"This is no time to be sleeping in!" Genma bellowed. "You've got school in 2 hours, now go and eat your breakfast!"
Just bide your time, Kenma… the boy thought to himself. Just keep getting strong, and bide your time until the perfect moment…
In the meantime, he had some energy techniques to practice before he and Ranma had to go to school.
…wait.
School?
[Amidst a bunch of springs, Ranma does a martial-arts stance.]
This is Ranma from the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts.
[Immediately, Panda-Genma springs over and grabs him, with Kenma following behind.]
RANMA: LET GO!
[At the Tendo Dojo, Akane lets out a kiai and chops some cinder blocks in half.]
And this is Akane, who comes from the Tendo Dojo.
[Suddenly, Akane is picked up and hustled out the door by Soun, followed by Kasumi and Nabiki.]
AKANE: H-hey, what're you doing?!
They were joined in an arranged betrothal by their parents…at least, that's what they hoped for.
[Soun puts Akane down, and Genma sets Ranma down right in front of her. The unhappy couple crosses their arms and turns away from each other.]
RANMA: Don't tell me what to do!
AKANE: Pain in the butt!
The only one to accept the betrothal was Ranma's brother Kenma, to Akane's older sister Nabiki.
[Kenma takes a bow and presents a few roses to Nabiki, who just smirks in response.]
As it turns out, Ranma has a unique issue…
[Suddenly, a wave of water pours onto Ranma's head, soaking him through to his underwear...and turning him into a HER. She angrily rounds on Genma, who's clutching a freshly-emptied pail.]
RANKO: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! [She opens her shirt, revealing two huge knockers.]
Every time he gets splashed with cold water…he turns into a girl.
KENMA: And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
[Everyone else reacts in their own exasperated manner, while Kenma just grins.]
KENMA: Teyandee!
[End of Cold Open.]
OPENING THEME: "SONIC DRIVE"
Composed by Cher Watanabe
Written by Takeshi Aida
Originally performed by Hironobu Kageyama and Hideaka Takatori
S-O-N-I-C, GO!
S-O-N-I-C, GO!
GO! GO! GO! LET'S GO!
[Ranma and Kenma 1/2]
Whenever I think of all the rules
All I can think of is to cut loose
This is today, that was yesterday
I gotta keep on a steady speed
There is no other philosophy
I'm running wild, this is my own style
Gotta go at my own pace
Faster I'm going faster
The rhythm within me, keeps me steady
Running along the wind
There is nothing that feels more free
Inside Outside take it down
It's time go time speed of sound
Never backing down,
Won't let anyone get ahead of me
I will always be in the lead
Inside Outside GO! SONIC!
It's time go time Yes Sonic!
Gotta do it right now
Have a nice day now
Never stop
Gotta keep up the pace
Clutch it out never losing face
Don't sit around, time will slip away
Run on towards a brand new day
S-O-N-I-C, GO!
S-O-N-I-C, GO!
GO! GO! GO! LET'S GO!
So while Kenma was outside, practicing his ki techniques [as for why? Let's say he had another memory flash while he was in the shower]...Ranma had learned about this little arrangement Genma had made as well.
"School?" he asked. "What about school?"
"I've decided that we're moving into the dojo with them for a little while," explained Genma.
"Seriously?"
"Seriously."
"You and your brother get to go to school with me and Akane," explained Nabiki as she passed by the door. "See ya there in a bit!"
"Hey, wait up!" called Akane from down the hall. "I'm going with—"
"What are you saying?" asked Nabiki, glancing back. "Ranma's your fiance. Ya gotta make sure he doesn't get lost."
"And what, you're going to go solo?" Akane shot back.
"Don't be dippy—I'm going with Kenma. Gotta make sure he doesn't get lost," replied Nabiki. "Now, be honest…should I go with the spiked collar?"
Akane blanched. "If that's a joke, it's not very funny."
"Hey, he's a handsome guy," responded Nabiki. "I gotta let the other girls know who he belongs to. Maybe I should get him a little tag with my address engraved on it."
Akane looked disgusted. "What, like a dog?" she asked.
"You say it like it's a bad thing, sis," Nabiki retorted as she left, shutting the door behind her.
As she headed outside, she saw the boy in question. "Kenma~!" she called, whistling. "C'mon, and hustle, wouldja? We're walking to school together!"
Kenma ceased his practice. "Hey, are you sure?" he asked. "Maybe I should wait for Ranma…make sure he gets there alright…"
"He'll be fine, he's got Akane to lead him!" Nabiki said. "Now c'mon~!"
Kenma sighed. "Why is it that doesn't fill me with confidence…?" he mused as he trotted off behind Nabiki.
"Sure, she's a little…aggressive but she knows where she's going," replied Nabiki. Alright, so he's a little unused to being separated from his brother. Maybe I can use that in my favor…
As Kenma followed behind, he took nervous glances around…but he would return his eyes to a forward-facing position, specifically on Nabiki so he didn't get lost.
Nabiki's eyes lit up once she took another glance back. So the little lamb needs a shepherd to guide him, then? she thought. I GUESS I could take him under my wing. After all, it'd be such a shame if he were to be…led astray~
She chuckled to herself at the irony of this statement.
Kenma raised a brow. "Hm?" he muttered. "Something up?"
"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all." Nabiki said, snapping out of her thoughts. "Anyways, get dressed. I'll be waiting outside."
"Promise?" Kenma asked.
"Of course!" Nabiki reassured him.
"Well, okay," Kenma replied as he darted back inside to get anything he might've forgotten, and to get changed quickly.
Nabiki watched him go, and set in on planning.
Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane were on their way to school.
"Let me make one thing clear," grumbled Akane. "The two of us don't know each other."
"As if you hadda tell me twice," Ranma replied.
"So don't act all buddy-buddy with me, when we get to school." the tomboy warned.
"That won't be a problem," said Ranma. "Kenma might've been lured in by your sister, but I'm a little older and wiser. It's not like I give a crap about bratty-ass tomboys like you. If I'm bein' honest, I HATE 'EM MORE THAN ANY—"
KLONNNNG!
Genma had sprinted up to Ranma and clocked him over the head with his fist before Akane even had the chance to do so.
"Dammit, Boy! You're in no position to be choosy about women!" the fat father scolded. "And is that any way to talk to your fiancée?"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Who said she was mine?" he asked. "Kenma's the one who chose his. I sure didn't choose mine, so I don't have a fiancée."
Unknown to Ranma, several women his age across Japan had sneezed at that exact moment.
Genma glowered. "Ranma! I'll only say this once—" he began, as he was kicked off the fence and sent tumbling into the filled drainage ditch.
SPLASH!
Seconds later, he bobbed back up in panda form.
"Oh, what's the matter, Dad?" called Ranma. "Tell us that you're okay—if you can!"
Irritated, the panda sprang up from the water.
"So ya wanna fight, eh?" Ranma smirked as he hopped into the air and started trading blows with the bear.
"WHOA! Check out that crazy crab-walking cat!" Ranma exclaimed, getting Genma's attention. The panda turned his head, only to realize much too late this was a distraction. "SUCKER!"
KRAK!
And Ranma booted his old man into the near-stratosphere, before he pinwheeled back to the ground.
"Hah! Serves ya right—" he declared before he was splashed by some old lady scooping out water…and immediately changed back into his girl form.
"...welp, I'm gone," the pinkette decided as she turned back. Before she could leave, Akane grabbed her arm.
"Hey, wait a second!" she said.
Ranko waved her off. "It won't be long, I'm just taking a quick bath," she replied.
"Not quick enough," Akane responded. "You'll be late for school."
"Well, I can't go as a girl!" Ranko insisted.
The navy-haired girl sighed. "It'll only take hot water to change you back, right?" she asked.
AND SO, A LITTLE WHILE LATER…
"...and so that's the situation," explained Akane to the assistant. "So could I please borrow the kettle?"
"Of course," said the assistant. "I'll be right back with it." And she headed inside.
Standing off to the side, Ranko sighed, exasperated. "Guess I got nothin' but bad luck this morning," she groused. "What a pain-in-the-butt…"
Suddenly, a skeletal hand reached out and landed on Ranko's shoulder. She let out a shriek of terror and jumped onto the nearby fence.
Turns out it was being held by a bespectacled young man who was at least two heads taller than her.
"Hello, apologies," he chuckled. "You don't have to be scared of her—this is my skeletal specimen, Betty."
"Sorry I startled ya, Dearie!" he made the skeleton talk while waving, much to Ranko's silent confusion.
"Ranma, here's the water!" said Akane as she came around the corner with the kettle. "...oh! Dr. Tofu!"
And before Ranma could respond, Akane had dropped the kettle right on his head.
KLONG!
MEANWHILE, AT FURINKAN HIGH…
The other students were mulling about and talking to each other before classes began when they saw Nabiki and Kenma coming into view.
"Whoa! Here comes the ice queen." one student whispered.
"Yeah, but who's the new guy behind her?" asked another. "Some poor sucker who lost a bet?"
"Or maybe he thinks he has a chance with her?" a girl chuckled.
"Forget it," said another girl. "He's just another fly she's lured into her web."
"500 yen says he lasts a week." the first student said.
"5000 says a day." the other student commented.
"Don't be ridiculous, she's not gonna use him up and toss him out so soon," a third responded. "...remember, she likes to play with her food, so she'll probably keep him around like her little lapdog or something."
Kenma couldn't help but overhear most of the whispering. "...real friendly bunch, aren't they?" he asked.
"Honestly, Kenma. I have no idea what they're talking about." Nabiki stated. Though, they are right about one thing. I would never throw away such a good…plaything? No, that doesn't sound right. Still, he IS kind of cute, and at least I can count on him not to betray me.
"So, 'ice queen', huh?" asked Kenma, glancing at her. "Why that nickname? And I get the feeling it's got nothing to do with skating."
"Well, it's because of my attitude," the middle Tendo sister explained. "Granted, you haven't seen that side of me yet, but I can be pretty cold."
"I get it," said Kenma. "You're cool like ice, and Akane's the hot-blooded one."
"Hot-blooded is an understatement…" remarked Nabiki.
As they talked, a slightly older boy with a hockey mask and stick headed out of the gate—no doubt with a warning in hand.
Why, I hear you asking?
Simple…
Because a storm was a-brewin'.
MEANWHILE…
After Ranma had gotten the hot water he needed, he and Akane continued on their way to school.
"So who was that guy?" asked Ranma.
"Dr. Tofu's a chiropractor," explained Akane. "Very skilled doctor."
"He's strong too, yeah?" inquired Ranma.
"Oh, so you can tell?" Akane smiled.
How could I NOT? thought Ranma. I couldn't even get a beat on his energy!
"You wouldn't think that about him at first, would you?" Akane responded. "Ever since I was little, I've always come to see him. Every cut, every boo-boo, every broken arm…"
"From the way I see it, that was a man," explained Ranma as he leapt off the fence and ran behind Akane.
"What?" asked Akane, glaring.
"Well, considering what you said yesterday…" Ranma responded. "Do you like any man? Any men? …men?"
"Men, yes. It's boys I hate!"
"Well, don't look now," said Ranma. "Because here comes one."
Akane looked up and saw a young man about a head taller than her, wearing a hockey mask on his head, and a hockey stick on his back, racing towards them both.
She was about to strike when she realized who it was. "Aki!" she exclaimed.
"Hm?" asked Ranma, raising a brow as the boy stopped in front of them, panting heavily.
"Aka…ne…" he wheezed. "...they're all outside…waiting for you…"
Akane slapped a palm to her face and dragged it down slowly, exasperated at the news. "Goddamnit…" she hissed before tossing Aki a bottle of water. The boy frantically opened it and guzzled down its contents.
"Thanks…I needed that," said Aki as he got to his feet. "...who's this guy?" he asked, pointing to Ranma.
"This…is Ranma." Akane grumbled. "He's my…oh, god…'fiance'."
"Ohhh…" the young sportsman exclaimed with a disappointed sigh.
"Ah! Hold on! We never decided that mutually!" Ranma stated. "That was some stupid idea our dads had!"
"...oh!" Aki responded, his eyes lighting up.
"On that, we at least agree," said Akane. "Ranma, this is Akimitsu Kurohetsuji, my only friend who is a guy."
"So you do trust a guy," commented Ranma. "That makes two in one day."
"Do you have a last name to go with the first, or is it just Ranma?" asked Aki.
"Saotome," Ranma answered.
"Ah, alright," said Aki. "Nice to meet you, Ranma Saotome. So let's go."
So, the three of them continued on their way towards the school, where dozens of members of sports clubs eagerly waited in the front yard.
Akane Tendo is coming…! They all thought, practically giddy.
And as the trio came into view of the school, the sports club members all came billowing out, like an army of evil monsters! Hockey sticks, cricket bats, baseball bats, soccer cleats, karate gis…they were armed to the teeth and spoilin' for a fight, every one of them!
"And here I thought you said you hated guys!" Ranma called. "So which is it, then?"
Akane whirled around. "I…HATE…THESE…BOYS!" she roared as she got ready to rumble.
"AKANE TENDO, I LOVE YOU!"
"WE'VE GOT OUR EYES ON YOU!"
"YOU WON'T GET AWAY FROM US!"
These, and many other cries rang out as the members of the sports clubs attacked Akane, only to be knocked aside with well-aimed punches and kicks.
"You need to get out of here!" called Akane.
Aki shrugged. "Fine!" he replied. "Send 'em to the nurse's office!"
Akane smiled. "That's the plan," she replied, as she dished out another gut-check to a kid in boxing gear, who slumped to the pavement like a broken reed.
"I guess I better help 'er out," shrugged Ranma.
"You sure?" Aki asked. "Seems like she's got it under control!" He pointed as Akane started barreling her way through the throng of hormones, sports equipment, and puberty.
Akane used her bag to block a fencer, then a boxer's punch, and elbowed him in the gut and kicked the fencer right in his face, before knocking him away.
POW!
THWACK!
KRUNCH!
KLANG-SHANG-A-LANG!
"Every morning seems pretty tough for your sister," mused Kenma. "Maybe I oughta give her some pointers later?"
"Oh, what's this?" Nabiki smirked. "Don't tell me you've gained eyes for my little sister now."
Kenma put his hands up. "I SWEAR, IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT!" he blurted, panicked.
Nabiki laughed. "I know, I'm just bustin' yer chops!" she replied. And you make it so easy, little monkey… "Besides, Akane could probably use it. Something tells me things are about to heat up in the coming weeks."
Kenma gave a quick nod.
"Yo, Ranma! Quit gawking and move it!" Nabiki called from the 3rd-story window.
"Huh? But...what about—" Ranma started, pointing at the fight.
"Akane's a big girl, she can handle it!" Nabiki replied. "Now move it or you're gonna be late."
Looking back at the fight, Ranma was bewildered to see Akane standing amidst the broken, battered bodies of every other sportsman at Furinkan High.
"...yeah, because this is what parents send their kids to school for…" muttered Kenma. "Why do they do this sorta thing?"
Nabiki shrugged. "Why do people follow assholes in general? They validate your darkest impulses," she responded.
Kenma gave a concerned glance in response.
Akane did a little hair-flip. "This whole group of guys is so annoying…!" she fumed, exhausted.
"Truly, such a boorish lot..." a voice declared with a smooth tone to it. From behind a tree, a dark-haired young man emerged, clad in a robe and carrying a wooden practice sword. "Evidently, each of them intends to ask you out, Akane…on the morn that he finally defeats you."
Akane gave a deadpan expression that could possibly surpass Garfield, Steven Wright, and Ben Stein. "...yes, I'm well-aware, Kuno. Good morning," she replied.
Kenma raised a brow. "...what's this?" he asked. "Something about the new guy seems…unfortunately familiar."
"The first bell shall be ringing soon enough," Kuno said, tossing Akane a rose which she caught. "So let me challenge you beforehand."
"You sure are popular, aren't ya?" Ranma observed as he hopped off the fence.
"Keep out of this," warned Akane. "You'll get hurt."
Ranma glanced around. "What exactly is going on here?" he asked.
Kuno's right eye twitched as he turned to face the boy. "You there!" he exclaimed. "Your attitude toward Akane is impudent!"
"Well, that's cuz…" Ranma began, glancing over at the girl. "...you know."
"No, can't say that I do," Akane responded, turning away.
The sky seemed to rumble, complimenting Kuno's anger. "ENOUGH OF YOUR INSOLENCE!" he declared, furious. "I demand to know who you are."
"Well, I'm Ra..." Ranma began, before he was cut off.
"It IS custom to give one's own name FIRST, is it not?" Kuno asked. "Fine then...mine, I shall give! Listen well, for you shall only hear this once!"
Ranma could only blink in shock, either at this guy's flamboyance, or at how he seemed genuinely unaware of the fact other people actually existed.
"The rising new star of the high-school Kendo world...my strength is IMMEASURABLE!" Kuno declared. "I am the Furinkan High School Kendo club Captain! My voice alone can silence even the most unruly of crying children…I am a junior in Class E. My peers call me...Furinkan High's Crack of Blue Thunder! Tatewaki Kuno: Age 17."
[I had to use this one since I felt it retained more of Kuno's dramatic flair. No offense to the new version, it just feels like it sorta falls flat in comparison.]
"...SO SHOULD WE JUST CALL YOU 'THUNDER CRACK'?!" Kenma yelled from the side.
"You shall refer to me as upperclassman, knave!" Kuno spat back.
"Eh, how about I refer you to the nearest loony bin?" asked Kenma. "Hey, big bro! This guy's a chump! Pancake 'im, why don'cha!" he called.
"One chump pancake, comin up!" Ranma replied before assuming his fighting stance. "Anyways, if you're done yakkin', it's MY turn! I'm Ranma Saotome, of the—oh, god—Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts! Also known as the School of Indiscriminate Grappling! [Fuck, we gotta shorten that.]" he exclaimed, tossing his bag to Akane, who caught it. "And I happen to be crashing at the Tendo Dojo!"
Kuno's eyes shot open like he'd sat on a porcupine. "Under…the same roof…AS AKANE?!" he bellowed, livid with rage.
"And I accept your challenge!" Ranma exclaimed.
Thunder rumbled, as lightning crackled through the skies, while the students had to process what they'd just heard. Could it be true?
"Looks like that kid is gonna fight Kuno," said the orange-haired girl.
"Ooh, that's dangerous..." replied her brunette friend.
This got the attention of the other students, who flocked to the window in droves, their curiosities piqued.
"Your unruly behavior has been bothering Akane," announced Kuno. "Defeat shall come at the hands of Tatewaki Kuno!"
"Tatewaki Kuno must be in love with the sound of his own voice, then," Ranma responded flatly. "Besides, I'm not the one hounding her!"
"He's only staying with us as a tenant!" Akane protested.
But Kuno, being stubborn beyond compare, wouldn't budge. "I shall not debate this!" And he let out a roar, lifting his bokken and attacking Ranma.
However, Ranma managed to dodge the attack. Whirling around, Kuno took another swing that Ranma narrowly dodged—but it made a massive hole in a nearby wall! Seeing that Ranma had jumped onto a tree prompted Kuno to slash the trunk, but Ranma jumped away again in the nick of time, as Kuno chopped the tree in half.
"LISTEN!" Ranma snapped, getting up in Kuno's face. "Do I gotta beat the sense into that over-boiled peanut you call a brain?! DIDJA NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME I SAID IT?! IS THAT SKULL JUST STORAGE SPACE FOR YA?!"
Akane was, for the record, stunned. He closed the gap in the blink of an eye…! she thought.
"THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BETWEEN US, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY ZERO INTEREST IN AKANE TENDO, WHATSOEVER!" Ranma roared, moving his face closer to Kuno's.
Ugh, he's actually COMPETENT?! thought Kuno, perplexed.
"I mean, REALLY!" Ranma said, on a roll now. "She's stubborn, violent, obstinate—and is ALWAYS pouting, which makes her look SO DAMN UGLY! If you want some hair-trigger chick like that, then buddy, BE MY FRIGGIN' GUEST!"
By now, Akane was fuming bodily. "SHUT UP, PERVERT!" she shouted, throwing the backpack at him.
"QUIT CALLIN' ME THAT!" Ranma shot back.
"ENOUGH!" Kuno shouted. "I will not let you sully her honor with your disrespectful words!"
"And I'd gladly take it back…" Ranma said as he dodged, while Kuno sliced his backpack in half. "...IF EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT HER WASN'T 100% TRUE!"
Ranma only had a second to dodge, and so he did by jumping into the air. Lightning crackled in the skies as he began to descend, readying a retaliation attack while the rain started trickling down.
Suddenly, a familiar panda bear raced onto the field carrying a teakettle. Akane was the first to recognize him. "Mr. Saotome?" she muttered.
Surprisingly, at the exact moment Ranma was within an inch of Kuno, the latter had his bokken right on Ranma's clavicle.
Panda-Genma shoved Kuno out of the way and grabbed Ranma [who was now sporting red hair] before running off, sending Kuno spinning into the sky. As a result, the entire student body was in an uproar of conversation.
"KUNO GOT BEAT BY A PANDA!"
"A strong one, at that…"
"What just happened?"
MEANWHILE, IN THE P.E. EQUIPMENT ROOM...
Ranko had regained her bearings, and wiped some of the rainwater from her hair, while Genma slammed the door to prevent any snooping.
"Ugh...this freaking sucks," Ranko groused. "If it hadn't started raining, I'd have beaten his ass!"
"I wouldn't be too sure about that," stated Akane, as she poked her head in through the window.
"Whaddya mean?" Ranko grilled the blue-haired girl.
"I mean, your throat," Akane stated.
The tomboy pointed to a red welt on Ranko's neck.
Ranko looked downright bewildered by this. "From...that?" she asked, remembering how Kuno had managed to strike with his bokken earlier. At the time, it didn't seem like the attack had really affected him that much, but now...it seemed that this guy was definitely stronger than he appeared to be.
"Wow, and he didn't even TOUCH me!" she whispered, surprised.
"If he had, then you'd be breathing through your neck by now," Akane stated, right as Genma emptied the teakettle onto Ranko's head. "Best case scenario? It'd be a draw."
"...you really think so?" asked Ranma.
AT THAT MOMENT, IN ROOM 2-E...
Tatewaki Kuno, the self-proclaimed "Blue Thunder" of Furinkan High, was gazing into a handheld mirror at something written on his forehead: Bufoon, it read. His brows furrowed with a furious rage.
"Gotta admit, that's impressive," mused Nabiki. "You have no idea when he touched you?"
Kuno scoffed. "Ranma Saotome…I believed you to be more competent than that," he remarked. Grabbing a piece of chalk, he immediately started writing on the board, Boofun. "THIS is how you spell it!"
"It's more like this," Nabiki shot back as she wrote on the board with her own chalk, Buffoon.
Tatewaki turned and glared daggers at the Tendo middle child. "Please note how deeply I hate you," he remarked.
"I'm so flattered," Nabiki responded.
AT THAT VERY MOMENT, IN CLASSROOM 1-F…
"So, to make a long story short, both Saotomes have been studying abroad in China until recently," the teacher informed the class, while Ranma and Kenma stood at the front. "And now that introductions are taken care of…Miss Akane Tendo?"
The girl in question stood up.
"I want all three of you out in the corridor for coming in late," the teacher finished.
So that's how all three of them ended up out there, each of them holding two buckets of water.
Akane shot both brothers a death glare. "This is your fault, you know." she hissed.
"I was the one who got pulled into fighting YOUR boyfriend!" Ranma shot back.
"I'm not saying this to brag, but I handle them every morning by myself!" Akane stated.
"Ah, that was strictly amateur hour," Kenma commented. "...also, why the hell are you blaming ME? I didn't do anything to get them riled."
"...speaking of which, what the hell was with those guys?" inquired Ranma.
"That's what I'd like to know," agreed Kenma. "It was like you were a big star, and they were all your screaming fans!"
"It's all Kuno's fault!" Akane answered, frustratedly.
FLASHBACK ATTACK!
"EXCUSE ME?! ANYONE WHO DESIRES A CHANCE WITH AKANE MUST DEFEAT HER!" Kuno thundered. "I will not accept ANYONE else's attempt to try and win her hand!"
END OF FLASHBACK.
Kenma and Ranma looked, for lack of a better word, utterly dumbstruck.
"...what the fuck is wrong with this guy?" asked Kenma. "For that matter, what's wrong with everyone else? Because something's not right if they actually LISTEN to him! There's gotta be something in the water supply…and second, who the hell is he to make that decision? I swear, guys like that deserve a good, firm punch in the mouth—with extra knuckle!"
"Your sympathy's appreciated, but…that's just how much influence Kuno has…" said Akane.
At once, the wheels in Kenma's mind started turning—no doubt, a plan was taking form.
"WHAT?!" Kuno exploded upon hearing the news. "THEY'RE ALREADY ENGAGED?!"
"Well, not quite," said Nabiki. "I've already snagged one for myself, but Ranma hasn't picked. Still, we've been put into an arranged-marriage situation by our dads."
Kuno got to his feet, hoarse with rage. "DAMN IT ALL! I SHALL END YOU, RANMA!" he howled.
"Mr. Kuno, go stand in the corridor," said the teacher.
Kuno complied and stepped into a supply closet. A few seconds later, he emerged dressed in his warriors' garb.
"Who's he think he is, Superman?" Nabiki muttered. "More like 'Stupor-man'..."
"I WON'T FORGIVE YOUR TRANSGRESSION!" Kuno squalled as he ran off.
"So you fight Kuno and those other guys every morning?" asked Ranma.
"Yup," nodded Akane. "None of them have beaten me yet."
"Well, no way for him to improve if he's only fighting girls," shrugged Ranma—at which Kenma facepalmed.
"Even I know that was stupid…" he remarked. Once again, Ranma was suffering from a nasty case of "Foot-in-Mouth Syndrome".
Akane shot Ranma a glare. "You better watch it," she warned. "You want some of this?"
"Eh, I'm good," responded Ranma dismissively. "You may be violent and feral, but you're still a girl. I can't seriously fight against a girl—"
"Ohhhh~!" Akane sneered, angling her bucket of water.
"...what?" asked Ranma, skittering backwards.
"When you put it like that, I'm sure we can find a way to have a match that's girl-on-girl~!" Akane smirked.
Kenma jumped between the both of them. "Whoa, guys! Let's not start anything that could get outta control!" he insisted.
Alas, Kenma was about to learn things were going to get out of control very quickly.
Suddenly, Ranma leapt and dodged another bucket of water from behind. "Hey! What's the big—"
Of course, the culprit was none other than Tatewaki Kuno, who'd emptied one of the buckets he was supposed to be holding. "Ranma Saotome, you savage!" he hissed.
"TEYANDEE! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!" Ranma screamed.
"Huh? Kuno!" exclaimed Akane.
"I have been told of your engagement to Akane Tendo," spat Kuno.
"WHAT NOW?!" Akane yelped.
"AND I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO ACCEPT THIS!" Kuno roared. "NOT NOW, NOT EVER! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!"
All of a sudden, the classroom windows flew open, and the students poked their heads out, whipped into a frenzy of gossip.
"Hold up, did I just hear you're engaged?"
"So every time you said you hated men, were you just kidding?"
"Hang on a second, none of this is true!" protested Akane.
"Our parents are just doing whatever they wa—" began Ranma, before he got a microphone shoved into his face.
"This is the Furinkan High Radio Club!" said another student as the trio was surrounded. "We wanna hear ALL about your engagement! All of our listeners are on the edge of their seats, waiting for more! They wanna know about the thief who stole Akane's heart!"
[Yes, his name is Ichiro, but he'll get addressed by name when he does something worthwhile.]
"Yeesh, how cornball can you guys get?" Kenma grunted as he pulled himself free of the throng.
Suddenly, Kuno sliced one of Ranma's buckets in half. Thinking quickly, Ranma threw one of the other buckets at him, which he cut apart.
"You're running away?" he snapped. "COWARD!"
"We're not gonna be able to have a decent fight!" Ranma said as he took off. "Follow me!"
"Very well!" Kuno declared as he took off in hot pursuit.
"Man, is this ever fun!" grinned one student.
"So Akane, are you gonna go out with whoever wins?" asked another.
Akane looked like she'd just been offered a jar full of cockroaches.
"In a few words, tell us how you're feeling!" the radio kid said, holding the mike closer to Akane.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" the navy-haired girl exclaimed.
"Miss Tendo will not be answering any more questions," said Kenma. "Bummer, sure, but hey, whaddya gonna do?"
"How about we take a shortcut?" called Ranma, springing out the window.
"That suits me just fine!" Kuno declared, leaping right after.
Kenma glanced out the window and gave a heavy gulp. "Again: this presents a problem…" he remarked.
"Both of them have jumped out of the window!" exclaimed the radio kid. "And listeners—we're on the third floor! HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?!"
"I'm just fi—I—ay-yi-yi!" began Ranma, before he turned around…and his blood ran cold from seeing the pool right below himself and Kuno. "Ah, crap! WATER! Why'd it hafta be WATER?!"
SPLOOSH!
SPLASH!
The two fighters hit the water, one by one.
"Wow, that was a big splash!"
"Loud, too…"
"That was crazy!"
"Look!" said one kid. "I see Kuno!"
The doofus in question was sprawled face-down on the surface, like he'd just completed a very painful belly-flop.
"Look, Kuno's floating to the surface!" exclaimed one student, pointing down at the surface of the pool. True to his words, the wannabe samurai was floating in the pool, lying face-down with his bokken floating nearby.
"Yeah, but where's Saotome?" asked another kid.
Of course, the boy in question was underneath Kuno, swimming and still conscious, while trying to make his way towards the edge of the pool. However, with the pool water being cold, Ranma had once again turned into Ranko.
This is bad…I gotta go, NOW! she thought, panicked. But as she glanced up, she noticed Kuno's unconscious form, floating lifelessly in the water.
Guess I shouldn't let him drown, Ranko shrugged. …even if it WOULD make things easier.
So she picked him up and started swimming again.
"Oh, hey, he started moving!" commented one kid.
"He's swimming kinda funny…"
"Looks real creepy to me!"
Amidst the commotion, Kuno regained consciousness.
"SAO...TO...ME...!" he gurgled, much to Ranko's shock. FIGHT...ME!"
Ranko let out a scream of horror, like she'd just felt spiders being dumped down her back.
Akane blanched. "Does he know…?" she asked.
"If he does, then he's smarter than he acts!" commented Kenma. "Find your boyfriend and let's haul ass!"
"Aki's not my boyfriend!" Akane insisted. "...and he doesn't need to be involved in this. Let's just go!"
"Funny, I never said Akimitsu's name." Kenma smirked at Akane's comment.
Akane blushed beet red in response to being busted as she just went off to where Ranko was.
Kenma rolled his eyes, and they both headed off.
"LET GO OF ME! HEY!" shrieked Ranko as she flailed around in the water, trying to thrash Kuno off. "GET YOUR FREAKIN' HANDS OFF ME, YOU GIANT ASSHOLE!"
…and then he grabbed her chest. Accidentally, of course, but that detail couldn't have mattered less.
Before Kuno could register this, Ranko reached up, grabbed him by his head, and body-slammed him onto the pavement.
"GO. TO. HELL!" she screeched, as she pulled herself up using his body, and pinwheeled out, over the fence and into the distance.
"Is it just me, or did Saotome just shrink?" asked one kid.
"No, it's just you," another kid retorted.
As he lay prone by the poolside, Kuno was in deep thought...which is a first for him, I know.
He knew Ranma was a boy when he challenged him to follow...but if he were a boy, then just HOW was it that when he grabbed hold of his chest, that he felt the unmistakable feeling of a breast?
I'm almost POSITIVE that person was a female... Kuno pondered. ...which can only mean ONE thing!
"Saotome, you wretch!" he exclaimed as he sat up. "Do you really think you can leave someone in your place and escape that easily?! YOU WORTHLESS, SPINELESS GUTTERSNIPE!"
MEANWHILE, NEAR THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE SCHOOL...
Ranko was sitting on a branch overhead, wringing out pool water from her soaked clothes.
"Dammit…why'd that bastard Kuno hafta get so grabby with me?" she fumed. "Feels gross just thinkin' about it!...guess he's figured out my secret now…"
"Hey!" Kenma's voice called.
Peeking down, the pinkette saw her brother and Akane standing below on the ground.
"You're such a moron," Akane remarked.
"Did you come to help, or did you come to be a pain?" Ranko retorted.
"I came to help!" Kenma responded eagerly, snapping up the kettle. "Dunno why she came other than to insult you."
Before any further grousing could fill the air, the noise that replaced it was of a different variety. It sounded like wet, wooden sandals tromping over grass.
"Uh-oh...it's Kuno!" Akane exclaimed.
Kenma got the kettle by the handle, and then, taking it by his teeth, climbed up the tree as Akane went off to stall Kuno for time.
"That lousy…!" fumed Kenma as he kept pulling himself up the tree. That's another offense for the list…
The pompous windbag was busy looking around the campus as his head darted from side to side. "Where did you go, Ranma Saotome?!" he bellowed, looking around until he ran into Akane.
"I'm challenging you, Kuno!" the navy-haired girl declared, taking a combat stance.
"Akane…do you mean it?" Kuno inquired, astonished. "I'm flattered you'd approach me to proposition a challenge."
"Well, I can't kick your ass without getting any closer!" Akane snapped.
"Very well," responded Kuno. "Should you win, I will allow you to date me. I'll give it my all, but I hope to lose!"
Akane growled through her teeth in frustration. "I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO GO OUT WITH ME!" she shouted.
Hurry up and change back while I'm stalling for time! she thought.
Meanwhile, Kenma had successfully gotten the kettle up to Ranko. But when she tipped it over to pour on her head…all she got was a droplet of water.
"What the—" she began before finding there was now a leak in the kettle. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!"
"That…sadly explains why it got easier to lift while climbing…" Kenma sighed dejectedly at the turn of events. "Sorry, big bro…"
"Great! Now how am I supposed to change back?" Ranko complained.
"I said I was sorry!" Kenma insisted. "Don't ya think I feel bad enough I failed you?!"
BACK ON THE FIELD OF COMBAT…
Kuno brought his bokken down towards Akane, who caught it between her hands.
"Heh...you're MINE!" Kuno grinned, backing Akane down, step by step. But Akane wasn't about to be taken down so easily. As she stumbled backwards, she dropped down and used her legs to push Kuno skyward, sending him hurtling into the air.
…he collided with the kettle seconds later.
KLANG!
"Huh?" he asked. "I saw you earlier…"
"Really? You're still in that form?!" Akane remarked.
"It wouldn't be a problem if there wasn't a LEAK in the kettle!" Ranko snapped.
"There was a leak?!" Akane shouted in frustration.
"HOW MANY FREAKIN' TIMES DO YOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE?!" Kenma screamed.
"...hey, you haven't seen a weird guy with a rattail, have you?" asked Kuno.
"First off, how DARE you," said Ranko.
"Yeah! It's a ponytail, stupid!" Kenma snapped.
"Second…no," Ranko shook her head.
"Hm…running away like a coward," scoffed Kuno. "My strength must've frightened him to his core. No REAL man would ever be that scared! PATHETIC! UNMANLY! HE IS NO MAN AT ALL!"
Kenma gave Kuno a flat look as Ranko grew angrier before she dropped the kettle and Kuno to the ground.
CRACK!
"Heard you were talkin' shit," Ranko declared as she jumped to the ground.
Tatewaki sat up, unaffected. "...dropping me really hurt," he stated.
"Good, I hope it did," Ranko retorted, taking a fighting stance. "Because I'd never run or hide from some puffed-up windbag like you! If you want your knuckle sandwich so bad, I'll serve it up no matter WHERE we are!"
Alas, the sight of a pink-haired girl doing a fighting stance in her shirt and underpants did not carry the air of intimidation which Ranma had hoped to display.
"Interesting…" responded Kuno as he got up. "OK, you'll be the one I go out with if you win!" he exclaimed as he swung it downward.
Ranko jumped into the air and landed on the length of the bokken. "NEITHER ONE OF US WANTS TO GO OUT WITH YOU!" she snapped as she kicked Kuno right in his face, sending him falling backwards and landing on the grass.
Probably gave the dumbass a foot fetish while she was at it, too.
Feeling satisfied, Ranko dropped back to the ground, landing swiftly on her feet as she grabbed the bokken out of the air.
"Telling you right now, stupid, so listen up," she declared. "Ranma Saotome is way stronger than I am. And his brother? Well...he's pretty good, too."
Kenma just shrugged, as he joined the others in walking off, while Kuno's vision wavered in and out.
THAT EVENING, BACK AT THE DOJO…
The Saotome sons and father were in the dojo, balancing on their heads.
"Ranma, I heard you were causing a lot of issues with Akane at school today," said Genma.
"That's cuz she was trying to help me when I never asked," Ranma shot back.
Kenma, meanwhile, was training his tail to lift heavier loads through weight training. "You think Nabiki digs the tail?"
"Maybe," his older brother shrugged. "She probably thinks it's cute."
Kenma gave a giddy little smile at the thought, and continued to train his tail.
Meanwhile, Akane was doing her homework while venting the day's events to Nabiki, who took the time to do some leg stretches. "I don't know. I think you might be making a big deal out of nothing," Nabiki stated.
"It's a huge issue! I've never been more embarrassed in my life!" Akane groaned in frustration at her desk.
"What's the big deal? Who cares if a boy transforms into a girl?" Nabiki countered as she did leg lifts while reading a magazine.
"You should be freaking out like I am!" Akane countered back at her sister. "I mean, you're engaged to a guy who turns into the Monkey King! Tail and all!"
"Your point being?" Nabiki asked in response. "Plus, I think the tail looks cute on Kenma."
[Boom-shaka-laka! Validation!]
"It might not affect you, but consider how it affects ME!" Akane protested. "Daddy's adamant that I become Ranma's fiance…but I don't like the idea of people assuming I partnered up with some pervert who can't even check if the bathroom is empty before going in!"
"...didn't you go into the bathroom without checking too?" asked Nabiki dryly.
"Th-that was DIFFERENT!" Akane blushed at the notion.
"Sure, because it only applies when it happens to you," Nabiki rolled her eyes.
But outside, Ranma was done listening. As far as he was concerned, he didn't owe Akane ANY apology. Not one whatsoever!
Although, he did consider telling his brother how Nabiki thinks the tail does look cute on him.
An hour later, there came a knock on Akane's door. As she opened it, she saw Kenma standing before the doorway, arms folded and glowering at her. "What is it now?" Akane asked with a hint of annoyance.
"Haul your ass down to the dojo," Kenma spat. "Your advanced crash course begins tonight."
"Crash Course?! What are you talking about?" Akane asked in confusion.
"You want to be taken seriously as a fighter, don't you?" replied Kenma. "Not to mention put that blustering twit Kuno in his place?"
"Well, yes. I do!" the tomboy answered.
A devilish smile crossed Kenma's lips. "Then I hope you're prepared to work so hard, you'll wish I stopped at 'working you like a dog'," he replied, chuckling to himself.
"Um…would it help if I said Nabiki likes your tail?" Akane asked sheepishly as she didn't like how Kenma chuckled.
"Nope, Ranma told me before I came here so you can't play that card," Kenma sneered. "Now march, on the double. You're in my training camp now."
Akane nervously gulped before following downstairs.
We'll leave it up to you how the training went. All we're saying is that afterwards, Akane was sore and sweaty as she dragged herself upstairs.
AND SO, THE NEXT DAY…
"Wait, you KNOW her?!" Kuno bellowed.
"Sure do," Nabiki nodded. "Girl in the chinese shirt with the little braid?"
"You do?!" Kuno blurted. "I would hope this is not an attempt to bamboozle me, Nabiki Tendo!"
"I would never~!" Nabiki responded.
Immediately, Kuno got out a scroll, and some ink, as well as a brush.
If you believe you have the ability to keep beating me, he wrote. Then you couldn't be more wrong! Tatewaki Kuno does not give up so easily…just wait and see!
And as he continued writing, he giggled like a madman…or in his case, he just giggled. Not exactly a long stretch.
SOME TIME LATER…
"This is for you," said Nabiki as she handed Ranma the letter. TO THE PIGTAILED GIRL, it read.
Kenma looked over the letter. "Man, that guy's a dumbass," he remarked. "Pigtails come in TWOS, not one! A ponytail, sure, but you can't have one pigtail!"
"Kuno wrote this for me?" asked Ranma.
"...well, to the girl version of you, yeah," replied Nabiki. "I don't think he's put together that you're the same person yet."
Ranma opened the message, and he and Kenma looked over it.
"I want to see you Sunday morning at 10 am. Come show yourself to me on the second ground of Furinkan High School."
"A challenge letter?" asked Akane.
"Kuno must be pretty competitive," mused Nabiki.
"He's definitely competitive…" replied Akane.
"Nah," Kenma brushed that off. "He's just too stupid to know when to quit!"
Ranma crumpled the paper in frustration. "Is this for-real?" he grumbled. "This guy's a pain in my ass!"
AND THUS COMES SUNDAY AT 10 AM…
Both Ranko and Kuno were standing on the sports ground.
"Thank you for coming," said Kuno. "It is most appreciated."
Ranko put her hands on her hips. "I guess you didn't learn your lesson last time," she remarked, annoyed...before she took notice of something. "Hey, where's that stick you're always wavin' around?"
Kuno just scoffed. "I have no need for it anymore," he replied.
"Ohhh…feelin' confident, are we?" Ranko asked.
"Now, my pigtailed girl…I must confess.." said Kuno, while Ranko warmed up and got ready to fight.
"I NEED TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING!" Kuno declared as he swung something to Ranko, who snapped it out of his hand and took a look. To her confusion, she was now holding a bouquet of flowers.
"...I'm in love," said Kuno, much to the pinkette's abject horror.
And so, Kuno walked away, leaving Ranko utterly shocked and disgusted. By now, her entire color palette had been drained, leaving only the roses as the sole object of color in her hands.
And, she disintegrated into the wind, completely horrified.
So we begin to set the stage for the direction going forward.
Akane's going to get some actual training courtesy of Kenma, and she's determined to shatter Kuno's delusions...or at least shatter his bones. Whatever's more doable—my money's on breaking his bones.
Next time, we have to polish up a not-as-good episode with stuff from the original versions of the episode. See ya there...okay?
TEYANDEE!