Pathfinder
The world collapse around itself in a blur of fire, blood, misery and death and Matthias screams at the top of his lungs, praying that it will be enough to drown out the judgmental voices hurtling around in his mind and the cries of dying innocents. He screams in heartache and dismay at the horrors he seems unable to escape. He screams for everything he has already lost and everything he might lose in the future, afraid that if he stops, he will lose his last tether to reality.
"Matthias wake up!"
A voice is yelling, but it sounds distant and he cannot recognize it over the sound of his own voice.
"Wake up!" The voice yells again, this time sharper and louder.
Matthias jolts awake, drenched in sweat and screaming his lungs out, still unable to make out his surroundings through the haze of memories. The heat around him is unbearable. It feels as if he is burning up and he can imagine the flames licking at his skin. There are hands grabbing him, forcing him down and he fights to get away from them and the heat. He tries to swing his arms, but the weight holding him down is too much. He kicks his legs, but seconds later, another weight settles on them too, pinning him down further and he screams louder in frustration and fear.
"Matthias!" More voices join in. "Calm down, you are safe. Stop screaming."
There is a sharp pain across his cheek and he blinks rapidly, heaving for breath. The dream finally begins to fade from the forefront of his mind, leaving room for reality. There are no flames, only heavy blankets piled on and around him in a tangled mess. Trym and Berwald are standing over him, putting their entire weight down on his arms and shoulders to keep him down. Tino sits on his legs and there is a fearful expression on his face.
He stops struggling once his mind manages to convince his body they are his friends and not there to hurt him, and they ease up on the pressure. He realizes there are tears all over his face, itchy and cold. His throat is sore, and he realizes he must have screamed for quite a while.
"Damn boy," Trym grumbles when he lets go of Matthias' shoulder, there are already bruises forming underneath his hands. "That was one hell of a nightmare." He brings up a pile of blankets and start wrapping them around Matthias' bare torso. In his struggle to get away from the unbearable heat, he must have tossed most of them aside and now freezing air rushes of his skin turning it too gooseflesh. "We can't let you get cold again," he continues in a gentle tone. "Let your body adjust to being warm again, the rapid changes might give your system too much of a chock. Try to get some more rest if you can." He looks around the small niche to address the entire group. "It is already turning light outside, but after a full day and half the night of walking, I think a few more hours will do all of us some good, just go back to sleep."
When Matthias attempts to settle down again, he notices that Berwald carefully dabs at a bloody nose with a cloth. He is about to apologize, but Berwald slowly shakes his head. "Don't worry about it," he mutters quietly, voice slightly nasal from the swelling of his nose. "It was just a question of time before any of us got a nightmare like that. I'm surprised we haven't seen more of them considering all we've been through by now. Are you okay if I lie back down, or do you want some space?" Berwald gestures to a spot right next to Matthias where he was clearly sleeping before everything that happened.
Matthias nods tentatively, tucks the blankets tighter around himself, and breathes deeply, counting each breath while he tries to calm down his still racing heart. Berwald carefully lies down next to him, gauging Matthias reaction to ever movement in case he panics again, but eventually he settles down.
The warmth seeping through the blankets is comforting after throwing off the blankets in his panic. On his other side, Vilje gives him a vary look as she too moves in closer. Matthias mutters a quiet apology to her, and she nods in acceptance before she lies down.
Trym returns to the fire, throwing on a few more logs and then wraps a heavy blanket around himself. All of you should try to sleep," he repeats. "I'll wake you all when it's time to get up."
Somewhere out in the darkness there is the sound of a wolf howling, and seconds later a few more join in, unnervingly and haunting.
"It is far away" Trym continues calmly and pokes at the fire with a stick to make a log catch the flames better. "There is nothing to worry about. They won't attack a large group and the fire will keep them away. They are more afraid of us than we should be them."
Matthias tries to relax, but he is not eager to fall back asleep at the risk of falling into another nightmare. He listens to his friends falling back asleep around him and lets his mind wander, but jolts awake every time his thoughts stray towards battlefields and commanders. He settles with observing Trym carefully tend to the fire and occasionally wander around to check on the entrance to their little niche and listens to the sounds of the late night.
When the grey light of twilight turns lighter, Trym gets out of the niche for a much longer time and when he returns, he carries several large pieces of meat and starts carving them up on a piece of wood. He notices Matthias looking and smiles grimly. "We lost another two horses in the night," he whispers. "We will have to carry more weight ourselves, but at least we will have filling meals for a little while as long as the meat keeps. The poor beasts were not meant to last that long anyways, at least this way they won't go to waste."
The smell of cooking meat spreads through the air and people begins waking up. Gorm grunts grumpily and heads out of the niche. Berwald and Tino eventually gets up and heads out as well. Vilje grumbles tiredly, sits up and tucks the blankets firmly around herself to gaze into the fire, fighting to keep her eyes open. Trym gets up and gathers up a pile of clothing spread around on the rocks closest to the fire. He tosses the bundle on top of Matthias' legs. "Your clothes should be dry by now, I hope."
Matthias dresses quickly, reluctant to give up the comforting heat of the blankets. Trym watches him intently and Matthias feels a lot more naked under his watchful eyes.
"Show me your hands," It is more a command than a request and Matthias hold them out hesitantly, palm up. Trym grasps one and inspects it closely. Matthias realizes the fingertips are swollen and strangely pale compared to normal. The rest of the palm is bright pink. "Can you feel you fingers?" Trym asks as he gently bends each finger.
Matthias hisses in pain as his fingers burn and Trym smiles approvingly.
"Guess that's answer enough" he says. "I think your fingers will survive. Show me your feet next"
Matthias do as commanded and Trym eventually nods and hands him a pair of woolen socks. "You are damned lucky you should know. You would not be the first to lose a few fingers or toes to the cold. That will hurt for a few days and some skin might peel off, but you shouldn't lose any mobility or strength. You scared the life out of us; it was hours before you finally stopped shivering and I almost thought we were too late to save you."
"I'm so sorry to put you through that," Matthias apologizes genuinely. "I really didn't notice how cold I was. It was like I was walking around in a dream or something."
Trym pats him on the shoulder. "Strangely enough, that's completely normal. I should have told all of you to keep a closer eye on each other."
"I'm really sorry I didn't notice earlier," Vilje whisper from beside him, guilt etched into her face. "We walked next to each other for hours, I only realized something was wrong when you began stumbling over nothing, and by then you didn't respond to anything I said."
"It's not your fault," Matthias grasps one her hands and squeezes it gently. "I didn't hurt you earlier when I was dreaming?"
She laughs nervously. "I think I got away okay. You woke us when you started talking and yelling. You only started thrashing around when Berwald tried to wake you up, and that is when you hit him. It is not as if you were trying to hurt us." She nervously twirls a few strands of hair around her finger. "May I ask what you were dreaming? It must have been awful to make you react that strongly. I think I heard you mention somebody's name, but I did not catch it, was it someone you lost?"
Matthias' heart almost stops beating for a moment, he can pretty clearly imagine the name Vilje heard and could have caught, and he is horrified that he might have been yelling the name of one of their enemies for all to hear. "I don't remember details," he lies. "I saw a battlefield and all of us dead, there were flames everywhere. I must have panicked then, I'm just so afraid we are going to lose this war."
"We won't," Vilje says firmly. She squeezes his hand back. "We have come this far, and we will make it all the way." She pauses for a few moments, considering her words. "This is stressful for all of us and if you need to talk, we are here for you."
Trym snorts loudly and Vilje gives him a withering glare. "That applies to you too you should know," she snaps loudly. "I know why you volunteer to take the longest shifts on watch, and it is not because you enjoy them. Just because you're a man, it doesn't make you weak to admit fear or talk about them," she hisses. "Ignore him Matthias; just know that I'll listen if you need it."
Trym shakes his head and begins scooping piping hot stew into bowls and hands one to each of them. Vilje looks sadly down at the meat and Trym is quick to groan in exasperation. "Don't complain Vilje. We knew we were likely to lose a few horses on this journey, quite possible all of them and this way we can at least get a decent meal in return, but I can prepare you something that used to resemble vegetables once upon a time, if her Excellency would prefer that. Oh wait, we can talk about our feelings. That will make sure everything better."
"I'm still allowed to feel guilty about then suffering in our care, and you don't have to be an ass," she mutters grumpily under her breath before she starts eating.
Matthias savors every bite; happy to eat something that is not of questionable age and ignore the others bickering. Berwald and Tino return just then and Trym is quick to hand them each a bowl as well. They eat in quick, greedy bites, sucking in air to soothe the burn once they realize just how hot it is. "The weather is a little bit better today," Tino comments hurriedly in between his bites of food. "Not by a whole lot, but the wind is a lot calmer so it should make searching for the path a bit easier than it would have been yesterday."
Gorm squeezes his way into the niche as well and brushes snow of his clothes. "It is still hard to see further than let's say 20-30 meters, so I guess we are in for some searching today. I suggest we split up in two groups, to cover a bit more ground and leave most of our gear here. Hand me some of that grub would you?" he holds out a hand in demand and Trym hands him a bowl and he starts eating noisily. "One group should head west, the other east along the mountain wall. If we find nothing in four hours, we return here and make a new strategy." His voice leave little room for argument and he receives a few nods in agreement.
"The pass is marked with stone pillars along the road all the way up the mountain side," Trym continues. "I hope the snow haven't covered them all up and I have no idea if we are anywhere near where the path begins. If we find one of those markers, we should be able to navigate our way. If one group finds one, they send a rider back to look for the other group so we can meet up. Just make sure to stay at the foot of the mountain and not head up. That way we can find each other even if the tracks gets erased by the snow."
They finish the rest of their meal in silence, rinse out of the bowls with some snow and start packing up all their gear. Matthias' fingers are slow to respond to his commands and every movement makes them burn painfully, so the rest of them help him pack when they see him struggle with the straps. When he finally gets out of the niche, the wind howls at them, but the ferocity is not nearly as bad as the day before. He flinches when he sees the two dead horses half-frozen on the ground just outside.
Vilje lets out a half-choked sob behind her hands at the sight.
"I'm sorry girl," Gorm grunts. "Vilje you can come with me and Trym today, we go to the east. You guys," he gestures to Matthias, Berwald and Tino. "You can head west. Keep an eye on each other today; we will see you in a couple of hours."
They leave behind a large portion of their heavier gear, the pots and pans and some of the heavier blankets and tarps and head out in their separate directions with the lighter packs. Tino take one of the remaining horses by the lead, the other group take the other two.
Their tracks from the day before are already gone, thoroughly erased by the wind tossing snow around. A wall of sharp rocks protect the base of the mountains and they have to walk below them to keep from stumbling too much on the uneven ground. Berwald takes the lead, using his mass to plow a path in the deep snow. Matthias follows to make it wider, while Tino leads the horse behind them.
They walk for about two hours without any changes in the scenery, and then the wall of sharp rocks they follow becomes lower. The distance between the rocks grows further and the slope heading up the mountain becomes gentler. Berwald stops abruptly and Matthias almost walks straight into him. "The mountain pass is supposed to be the easiest way through the mountain, right?" he yells over the wind. "Do you think this might be a good place for the path to be?"
Tino squints out in the snow. "It makes sense," he muses. "This is the only place so far, where we would not have to climb to get past all those sharp rocks and it is actually possible to bring horses along. I just can't see any of the markers Trym talked about with all this snow so we can't confirm it's the actual road to the pass. We should search around for bit; I'm just nervous about splitting up. If we get lost in the snow we might never find each other again."
"The wind is not as bad as yesterday though" Matthias comments. "Our tracks should keep for a few hours with the snow being this deep. I say we split up just a little to get a bigger search radius. If this is the most likely place for the road to the mountain pass, then we should maximize our chances of finding the correct path. One can look a little out on the plain, one continue straight ahead and one just heads a little up the slope. Just for a few minutes and then we follow our own tracks back here."
Tino scrunches his nose a bit in thought. "It is the best plan, but that doesn't mean I have to like it, it might not be a good idea to split up. Trym said not to worry about wolves, they rarely attack humans in groups, but alone we are vulnerable and if one of us gets in trouble, it will take time to get help. I say we try, but we meet back here in half an hour tops, that way none of us stay alone for too long."
Berwald does not look happy. "Half an hour, then we all meet back here," he says firmly.
Matthias nods in agreement. "I'll walk a bit up the slope. Tino can take the plains with the horse. Berwald, are you okay with that?"
Berwald grunts in agreement and then they split up in the different directions. It takes less than a minute before the shape of the others disappear in the whirling snow. Tinos words resonate in Matthias' mind and anxiety rears its ugly head at the thought of going anywhere alone. He is sure he can hear wolves howling over the wind and has to force himself to reason that is just his imagination going wild.
He plows through the snow as quickly as he can, hoping to make up as much ground as possible in the short time they allowed themselves to split up and with a goal in mind, it is easier to show aside his own whirling thoughts. The ground is gently sloping for a little while, but it quickly turns steeper and soon enough he is heaving for breath. The wind is hitting him in the back, aiding is walk, but the visibility is still low, and he cannot make out anything except the occasional snow-covered boulder in the otherwise flat terrain.
Then, out of nowhere, just when he is about to give up and turn back, something that is not a snowflake whips him across the face and from the opposite direction of the wind. It sticks in the material of his scarf and he holds it up to see a tiny blue feather in a very familiar color. He swears quietly under his breath and squints out in the snow but sees nothing until another feather flies straight at him. He immediately starts running in the direction the feather came from. "Lukas!" he hisses, but he is not surprised when there is no answer.
He keeps moving and curses rapidly. Another feather flies out of the snow and he catches it midair. He is struggling against the snow and the steepening slope, and then he sees something ahead. From a distance it looks just like a large rock covered in snow, about the height of Matthias' chest, but it is out of place on the relatively open area.
When he reaches it, he sees that another feather is sticking out of the snow at the top, but there is no sign of anybody else being around. He takes the feather, tucks it into a pocket for safekeeping, and brushes away some snow to reveals a stone placed atop another stone in a clear man-made structure. He excitably brushes of more and it reveals a cairn. He almost cries in relief when he realizes this is exactly what they were looking for. He cheers loudly for himself and thrusts his arms into the air, relishing in the moment.
Matthias brushes off as much snow as he can, to make the cairn more visible against the white snow so it will be easier to find later. He mutters a quiet thank you for Lukas, hoping that even if he chooses to stay out of sight, he knows that Matthias appreciates the help.
He turns his back to the cairn and begins on the walk back to the others. He walks parallel to the path he already made so it will be wider and take longer for the snowdrift to erase. Even if the wind is now against his face, he manages to keep good pace, hope burning bright in his chest and keeping the cold at firm bay.
When he gets back to the meeting point, Tino is already there, looking defeated and gaze wandering anxiously towards the paths Matthias and Berwald headed out in. When he notices Matthias, he makes a small waive and his shoulders sag slightly in relief.
Matthias runs the last distance, barely able to keep his excitement at bay until Tino is within earshot. "I found a cairn," he yells. "It must be one of the markers for the path!"
Tinos mouth fall open. "Are you joking?" He shouts. "You found the path. That is such a relief; we really needed some good fortune. I can't wait to tell the others."
A silhouette appears in the snow and Tino waives eagerly, shouting fervently. "Berwald, Matthias found the path!"
Berwald trudges on and eventually catch up. "That is quite lucky," he mumbles breathless, a lot less excited than Matthias expected from hearing such good news. "I didn't think we would actually stumble over the path, the chances were so slim."
"I couldn't believe it either" Matthias laughs. "I almost walked straight into the damn thing before I saw it." Dream-Lukas' words bounce around his head and his guts twist uncomfortably. 'Berwald is suspicious; he knows you are hiding something.' Matthias takes a calming breath and tells himself there is nothing suspicious about him finding the path. He was not even the one to suggest that they split up to search for it in the first place. "We should get word back to the others. The sooner we get over the mountain, the happier I'll be. Tino, will you go get them? You are by far the best rider. Berwald and I can walk the path to make sure it stays open."
Tino nods eagerly. "Sounds great. It will be a couple of hours; maybe you can search for more markers further up the mountain. It will help a lot if we find more of them so we can follow the correct path the whole way."
Tino brushes snow of the horse's saddle and is about to step up when Berwald stops him with a hand on his wrist. "Be careful on the way back. The path is still dangerous."
Tino smiles brightly at him. "I will. Don't worry." He pats Berwalds hand and gently pulls his arm back. "I'll be back before you know it."
They stand there for a moment, just watching as Tino turn he horse around and rides into the snow. Matthias cast a quick glance at Berwald and notices a crease on his forehead deepen as Tino disappears from their view. "Are you alright?" he asks carefully.
Berwald eyes are sharp and he considers his words closely. "I hate how eager he is to ride out in danger alone, I know he has to right now, but every time I watch him go, I wonder if it's the last time I will see him. I hate that I can't follow to keep him safe. He is a great hunter and he turned out to be a great warrior, but he can be so reckless sometimes, just because he wants to do everything he can for the rest of us. Sometimes I wish I could just force him to stay behind and let other people take the risk for once." He keeps his shoulders hunched and stares intently down at the ground, looking angry and ashamed of his own words. He turns towards the Matthias came from and begins walking, not waiting to see if he is followed.
Matthias already suspected that there was something more than friendship growing between Berwald and Tino, at least on Berwalds part. The two of them were always together and the longing gazes were becoming a common occurrence. Tino was a bit harder to read, but he never seemed bothered by Berwalds advances making him believe the interest is likely to come from both directions. The smith's apprentice was a man of few words and Matthias realizes the importance of paying attention to every word. He places a hand on Berwalds shoulder and force him to stop moving for a moment to look at him. "I see nothing wrong with that," he says firmly and means every word. "You care about him and seeing him face any sort of danger is scary isn't it?"
"It is mortifying," breathes out and the short reply is enough for Matthias to confirm his suspicions. "I have lost so many things and people already, but I don't think I can handle losing him."
Matthias smiles gently. "He is lucky that somebody cares that much about him. I am honored you decided to trust me with this. You might not believe me, but I think I understand how you feel. Are you going to tell him?"
"I have nothing to offer him," Berwald mutters darkly and shrugs off Matthias' hand. "I never finished my apprenticeship and the smithy is gone. I would have to start from the bottom with nothing to my name and work my way up again. He deserves better."
"Do you really think he cares about money and status?" Matthias asks. "Pretty much all of us stand without a single coin to our name once we decided to draw weapons against the capitol. We will all have to work our way up together. You have plenty to offer him. You care about him; you support him and respect him enough to let him to what he believes is right even when it terrifies you to let him do it and you want to stop him."
"I don't understand how you can be so sure Matthias," he sighs. "About anything. He might not care, but I want so much more for him. I have so many doubt about this war, how it is going to end and if we will even survive. I can't put my finger on it, but something feels wrong, as if we are missing something important. Whenever we think we are in control, something happens that turn everything upside down and it all looks so dark. It feels like something is watching our every move and playing us like a game."
Matthias' guts tie up in knots and he is trying to figure out a response when Berwald continues.
"Then there is you." He pauses again, carefully choosing his words. "Every time the tides have turned against us, you seem to have a solution, a plan or just plain luck of the devil. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I trust that you are doing everything to win, you have just as much too lose as the rest of us, but I don't trust your luck. It has served us well so far, but I just fear your luck will turn sour eventually. This mission is dangerous and I don't want your daring plans getting Tino hurt."
"I am sorry you feel that way, but I respect it," Matthias replies. "You have trusted me with you own life and the life of one you care about and it is not something you want to put in the hands of luck. I know we don't always agree on things, but I promise you that if I can help it, nothing will hurt Tino." He is starting to have a list of promises to keep, but he intends to hold them all.
"Thanks," Berwald mutters and even if his tone is dark, he sounds grateful.
They trudge on in silence until the cairn eventually comes into view. Together they brush off the snow that has gathered on the rocks.
"I suppose we try to find the next marker then," Matthias suggests lightly. Berwald only nods in response and Matthias supposes he feels like he has done enough talking for at least a few days in just the last half hour.
They head up the slope, zigzagging to cover more ground and lessen the risk of missing a possible marker since there is no telling where the actual path is. They spend about an hour searching that way when the frequency of sharp rocks increases creating low walls around them and narrowing the road. Another marker appears in the snow before them.
"It seems we are on the right track," Berwald sighs in relief once they reach it and brush snow off this one as well.
Matthias claps him on the back. "We still have a couple of hours before the others should catch up with us, we can try to find a couple of more markers and then we can head back down and walk the others in meeting."
The wall of rocks on either side grows taller and the distance between them narrower, creating a clear path heading up the mountain. The two of them decide to turn back then, agreeing that the path further on should be easy enough to follow if the rock walls hold up the rest of the way and it would be better to get back to the group as soon as possible.
When they reach the mountain base, there is still nobody there. Matthias realizes Berwald is growing anxious, but he is refusing to say anything about it and just marches resolutely in the direction the others should come from. They head back east, following Tinos tracks and it takes less than an hour before they see movement further ahead and hear excited shouting.
Berwald smiles, but it is barely visible and Matthias only realizes because he looks for it. Vilje cheers, when she sees them. Trym looks relieved and even Gorms stern expressions softens.
"Great work boys!" Trym yells. He walks up to them and take turns to grasp them by the shoulders and pat their arms. "Now that we know the path, it's just the matter of following the markers. Thank the Gods we don't have to resort to climbing across the damned mountain." He gives Matthias one final pat on the shoulder and turns to the rest of the group. "So, are we ready to do this?"