Dream Tea
The view of the barn fades quickly and Matthias vaguely feels his head hit the pillow, even though he is still sitting still on the spot. A thick mist that seems to grow heavier around him by the second greets him instead of the usual blackness of sleep. He realizes now is sitting on what looks like a forest floor, on a pile of brown leaves. There is a faint unpleasant taste lingering on his tongue from the tea, bitter and sharp. He stands up and looks around, but the mist is too thick to see anything beyond it. He yells, but the sound comes out muffled and there is no reply, just an unnatural silence. There is no wind, no birds, just the sounds of his own harsh breathing and the crunching of dirt underneath his feet.
He looks closer at himself; he is wearing the same clothes he did to bed, and they are quickly turning wet from all the moisture in the fog. He shivers a bit as the cold seeps into his skin. The dirt below him smells strong and fresh. He pinches the skin on his arm and is surprised that it stings a fair bit and finds it both strange and a bit unsettling to be so aware of himself in a dream. He just prays this will not be the beginnings of another nightmare; they were bad enough without drinking dream tea.
He cannot see anything beyond the fog, so he decides to just pick a direction at random and start walking, figuring it must better than just sit still and wait for something to happen. He eventually stumbles upon a cluster of trees and realizes it feels vaguely familiar. The trees are tall, green firs reaching towards the sky and he cannot see where they end. He realizes why this place feels familiar as he walks a bit further, and trees surround him on all sides. It looks like the forests back home and the strange dream he had in the tavern the night of the first attack. He remembers Lukas shrouded in mist, warning him of danger and shudders again.
"Lukas!" He yells at the top of his lungs. "Hello! Is there anybody out there?"
He curses quietly to himself when there is no reply and considers just giving up this dream tea idea. He has no idea what to do from here, no clue how to control the dream any further or end it early, so he sits down on the trunk of a large fallen tree and swings his legs idly, waiting. He kicks a rock, and it clacks harmlessly against a tree a few meters away.
After waiting there for a few minutes, he hears a rustle from within the fog and then a dark shape becomes visible between the trees, it is the right height for a human and Matthias can feel his heart pick up pace and he stands up immediately. The figure moves unsteadily as if drunk or confused and Matthias slowly moves closer. He steps a little harder than normal and scuffs his feet as he moves to announce his presence and not scare the other person.
It obviously fails miserably because the figure whirls around and immediately lunge at him in attack. Matthias barely manage to jump back out of reach and he keeps backing up. It is Lukas as he hoped, but he is eyes are wild, confused and does not seem to realize who it is that is standing in front of him. He looks feral as he stalks forward, his hands curls slightly as if he intends to claw at his opponent and not punch. Matthias barely has the time wonder how strange that is since most people clench their hands into fists when they are about to attack somebody and find themselves unarmed before he must jump back another step to avoid getting slashed.
"Whoa," Matthias yells and holds his hands up, showing them to be empty in hopes to deescalate the situation. "It is just me, Matthias. I'm not going to hurt you."
Lukas stops in his tracks, looking confused and almost scared as his gaze darts quickly around, never stopping at one thing for long, but his hands lower slightly even they do not uncurl entirely. "That is not possible." He is breathing harshly and backing away from Matthias, back towards the fog, preparing to make a run for it. "There is no way you can be here. I did not call you here and I sensed no magic in you. This is a trick! Stay away!"
"It is not a trick," Matthias says softly. He tries to keep his voice calm and reassuring but finds it difficult with his heart is trying to beat its way out of his chest and it sounds shrill to his own ears. Then he huffs out a breath of relief, unable to hold it back and drags a hand through his hair. "I bought some weird tea that was supposed to let me share a dreamscape with somebody, I had no idea it was actually going to work, but here you are." Unable to stop himself, he keeps going. "You know, I kind of thought it would look a bit different here, a bit nicer, warmer perhaps, sunny at least. I you are going to be in control of your dreams, why not make it nice?"
"Are you crazy?" Matthias stops abruptly when Lukas pales and shouts. His voice is high pitched and panicked and Matthias finds himself stunned. He is not sure what kind of reaction he expected, but this was not one of them. He figured Lukas would calm down a bit once he realized there was no danger, but that does not appear to happen. Lukas begins pacing around, his gaze keeps darting around and he startles visibly at the slightest sound like a trapped animal. The last time he saw Lukas in person he might not have been in the best state of mind, showing a bit of vulnerability as he let a tear fall at the thought of his brother. Even then, he was calm and controlled. He might have been out of sight when he took down a few of the soldiers that attacked Matthias and Berwald, but his shots were precise and deadly and there was no sign that he might be breaking down like the Lukas in front of him now.
"What are do you mean?" Matthias asks carefully. "Drinking tea that I have no real knowledge about might have been a risk, but I have done crazier things. Also, I highly doubt that the girl in that apothecary wanted to kill me." He shudders at the memory.
"Dream Tea is a game of chance for someone without magic," Lukas snaps sharply. "You could have ended up in the mind of anyone. That is not an experience I recommend."
"I had one of your feathers." Matthias instinctively begins patting down the pocket where he kept the feather in the real world but finds it empty and has no physical evidence that can help prove to Lukas that he was at least trying to be smart about his plan. "It was left in the clearing after you saved us yesterday and I picked it up. The woman said you had to use hair of the person whose dream you wanted to enter, but I figured it might be close enough."
Lukas laughs almost manically and drags a hand through his hair, leaving it a disheveled mess that only adds to the slightly crazed look. "You are still crazy; you have no idea how dangerous this is."
"What is so dangerous?" Matthias asks impatiently, he would rather just get the bad news out of the way so he can focus on other things. "Everything feels more real than a normal dream, I give you that, but it is still just a dream, is it not? I thought this would be a great opportunity for us to talk without fearing that anybody can hear us or interrupt. I'm sorry I surprised you, but it is not like I have any way to contact you."
"It is a little bit more than just a dream," Lukas says quietly and finally stops pacing even though it still looks like he wants to bolt at a moment's notice. "You are right in thinking that for most people who dreamscape together what they say will remain between them and no others, making it great for secret conversations." Lukas steps closer and Matthias does not know how to interpret the look on his face. "But when you enter the mind of somebody in possession of magic all the rules change. Especially if that creature often finds his or her mind haunted by someone else. I am not in full control, not even in my own mind."
"You mean the king can reach you in here?" Matthias says in surprise. He cannot resist the urge to look around himself and make sure they are still alone. It feels as if the trees have suddenly grown eyes and keep watching their every move. The fog seems colder and denser, and the air grows thicker around each breath. He tries to see if he can spot any of the markings that usually glow on Lukas' skin, but his doublet has a high collar and the sleeves are tight fitting, making it impossible to see much bare skin and if they are present.
"He can indeed," Lukas replies sadly, and he looks tired as if he is accepting his fate. "You timed this experiment of yours poorly. I just returned to the Capitol, and he is very angry about my failures over the past few weeks. He does not usually bother to torture my dreams, but he is frustrated enough that he might decide to no it now if he senses me dreamwalking. He does not wish for me to have even a second of relief from his fury. He does not understand how his best soldiers and commander have failed in taking down what he considers an insignificant group of peasants when we have torn apart larger armies of highly trained soldiers before without problems."
"But he is not here right now? Matthias asks firmly. "We are still alone. Why don't we just sit down and talk for a moment?" He gestures towards the fallen tree where he was waiting earlier, settles down, and eyes Lukas expectantly.
"That might not last long." Lukas sighs, but he settles down on the log right next to Matthias. He keeps his hands folded on his laps and stares out into the fog, refusing to look at Matthias. "And if he finds me, he finds you and I do not dare think of what will happen then. He will know I found a way to betray him, and death will not be a cruel enough punishment for such and offence. The worst part is however that he will know who you are, it will give him an entrance into your mind."
"Really? He can do that. I had to drink that nasty tea and stuff a feather that belonged to you in it to find you. As far as I know, the king does not have anything that belongs to me."
"He has magic," Lukas explains patiently. "I told you that changes all the rules. He does not need to get your hair. If he sees you in my dreamscape, he will know your mind and can enter it at will."
Matthias is quiet for a moment. "But you came to me in a dream once. How did you manage to do that? You did not have my hair, at least you should not, and I am pretty sure I have never wandered about a dreamscape as you call it before."
"I saw you fighting one of the commanders sent to your town, you saw me too. It was enough for me to establish a contact strong enough to send you a message."
Matthias shivers. "That is disturbing. You can enter someone's mind after just seeing them one time!"
Lukas shrugs nonchalantly. "You did ask and I don't think lying serves any good," his voice is flat and dispassionate, and Matthias is unsure if it is better than the earlier panic. "It is difficult and cost a lot of energy, but very possible. If I had not done so, you would all have slept through that ambush and your village and rebellion crushed before it could even begin. You and you friends would all be dead and town after town would have been torn apart for their resources."
Mathias snaps a small branch off the tree trunk to relieve some discomfort that is beginning to tear at his guts. A part of him just wants to stand up and leave, but he knows Lukas will let him go without a fight and then the conversation will be over and for all he knows Lukas might find a way to block off his mind and make the rest of the dream tea useless. Therefore, he bites back any harsh remarks and instead asks, "Why would a king want to tear apart his own kingdom for resources? He will have no people to rule over if we all starve to death."
Lukas seems to consider his words for a few moments and his forehead crinkles in thought. "I am not sure why he turned to such extreme measures this time. We have been at war many times before and outlived many monarchs in the long years I have been in his service. We have always won by superior military power and tactics before and if necessary, we turned to magic. You have seen the destruction magic can cause and the devastation I can bring forth with some careful weaving of power." Lukas' hands clench in anger where he is keeping them on his lap. "I fear the king might be losing his mind, humans are not meant to live that long and the methods he uses comes at a price. The magic he is using is dark and despicable and should never be used, nothing good ever comes for it and with each passing season he becomes more volatile."
Lukas's voice wavers and he stops for a few moments to breathe and recollect his thoughts. Matthias almost holds is breath waiting for him to continue. "It all became worse when the old King of the eastern kingdom died and his soon ascended to the throne. It is common for the neighboring Kingdoms to attend the crowning ceremonies and confirm loyalties and trade, so we made the journey. I do not know what happened, the new king seemed eager for an alliance and even went so far as suggest a union, but our king snapped. He hated that king from the second they lay eyes on each other; he saw every suggestion as an insult, and we left before feast even began. From what I understand, they have antagonized each other for year and now it just reached a tipping point. Mid-summer we received a letter with a proposal of joining our two kingdoms again and our king immediately declared it and act of war. He swore to tear them down and burn their entire kingdom to the ground if that was the last thing he ever did, he did not care what it cost. The news caused quite the uproar in the Capital when he announced it, but nobody dares speak up when all know the punishment is death. He sent out the first soldiers the very next day."
"He is killing his own people to get revenge on a snob that insulted him?" Matthias cries in outrage and disbelief. He has no idea how to process the story. "I watched my friends die, I had to leave my home because of petty revenge!" He feels hatred for the king burn deep in his gut and bitterness at the back of his throat for the lives lost.
Lukas sits still as a statue, staring straight ahead. He waits for Matthias to calm down. "I am sorry for your suffering," he whispers. "I am sorry the reasoning behind the assault on the common folk is not better." Then he turns to look at him and Matthias feel almost naked under the stare as if Lukas can read everything he is thinking just on his face. "Why did you call me here?" he asks with a sigh. "I doubt this was your planned course of conversation."
Matthias feels nervous again, especially now that Lukas is looking straight at him, and he runs a hand through his hair, a habit he finds hard to break. As usual, all his plans went to the wind the moment Lukas entered the picture and he has no idea of what to say. "I know it's only been a few days since I saw you last," he begins lamely. "I wanted to thank you for saving our asses yesterday, I thought we were doomed. But I really must ask you, why could you not kill those soldiers before they found us and beat us half to death? You knew they were out there, you told me, and I figure you were following them considering how fast you managed to get to our aid once they attacked."
"I found a loophole," Lukas lips curl up in half a smile and it is hard to tell if it is bitter or pleased. "The king often forgets to remove old orders and sometimes gives contradictory ones when he is frustrated. It is surprisingly common for me to be unable of completing tasks because of conflicting orders. It is a wonder I can even walk when there are so many orders pulling me in different directions at the same time."
"That sounds all sort of ridiculous" Matthias snorts.
"You have no idea," Lukas breathes heavily. "I feel like I am going mad half the time. I told you last time we met that might be the last time we could speak with my mind still intact. I mean that, please be careful. You keep pushing me to my limits. I almost killed you once, next time I might not be able to protect you first."
"I'd rather not go through something like that again," Matthias mutters and scratches at the burn scars over his chest as the memory flashes before his eyes. "So how much freedom do you have in here? You seem to have less trouble spilling secrets at least."
"Less then I would like, but a lot more than in the physical world. I do not usually spend my nights wandering about the dreamscape, it usually costs a lot of energy, and I must sleep and dream normally like anybody else. However, let us return to my question, why are we here? It is a bit excessive to dreamscape just for a simple 'thank you' or are you avoiding the answer."
"Not really" Matthias replies quickly but then grimaces. He is sure that Lukas can see right through his fake confidence, he always seems to do so. "It is just that you might find me a bit pathetic if I tell you." He pauses and considers his words again; Lukas barely lifts an eyebrow expectantly in return. He feels so nervous about spilling his feeling, especially when a part of him keeps insisting that he cannot confirm that this is not another dream, but if Lukas is right, he might have little time to say anything at all. "I've had some really bad dreams after you left," He grimaces again at his choice of words and whishes he took a little more time in planning his speech before he just down the tea and hoped for the best. "You keep showing up in them too and they make me feel awful. I have come to some realizations and…"
Lukas sighs deeply and cuts him off. "You have grown too attached. I should have been more careful and stayed away."
"I don't care if you think I've grown too attached," Matthias interrupts in return, his voice cracking a bit. "And if you had stayed away, I would be dead a few times over. I might just have realized how much you have sacrificed to win this war and how much you are risking. I have been angry with you before, but I didn't understand then. I still don't understand but I think you need help and I want to save you."
"I have nothing to give you," Lukas says calmly. "There is nothing left of me of any worth. I do not look it, and for my kind, I am still young, but I feel so old. I have seen too much darkness, done too much evil."
"Don't talk like that," Matthias protests. "You are not unredeemable, and you are not evil. I know for a fact you care somewhat about me, considering all the times you have saved my ass and if you claim otherwise, I know it's a lie. I am not the only person that can lead this rebellion to a victory and if I died you could choose someone else."
Lukas closes his eyes and look regretful. "I should not care. I do not know what it is about you that makes me unable to stay away."
Matthias grins at him and sees an opportunity to lighten the mood a little. "My devilishly handsome face, bravery and wits. What is not to love?" He makes sure to keep a light tone, remembering how Lukas reacted when he half heartily made a joke about kissing, but it guts him to pretend he does not feel as deeply. He wants scream out his feelings because they keep clawing at him to be let out, but he fears Lukas will flee.
Lukas huffs out a soft breath of air. "I was drawn to you that first day, I'll admit that, but I did not care at the time who you were. I just needed somebody both brave and foolish enough to trust a stranger and someone people would listen to, but you turned out to be so much more than I ever expected. Lukas replies. He is still speaking in the cold flat tone that makes it difficult to read him. "You know that if I really did love you, I should have stayed away and kept my distance, you would have been a lot safer that way."
"Then I don't want love" says quickly, "because I don't want you to leave ever."
"You are ridiculous," Lukas laughs softly at him, and his face softens and some of the age in his eyes lessen for just a tiny moment even though there is sadness in them still. Matthias' stomach feels like it is about to burst from the butterflies that seems to have made it their home and decides he will cherish that moment for all eternity.
Matthias sobers. "But in all seriousness. I want to help you. I care enough that I don't want to see you suffer. I promise I will find some way to save you."
"I do not know if it is within you power to save me as you say. What I consider rescue, might differ from yours."
"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" Matthias interrupts angrily. "I have heard that enough times already. I do not want to hear you saying something like 'I have to kill you to save you'. I can't do that! I have had freaking nightmares where I had to kill you, and I tell you I can't. I have had the chance to kill you before and I failed, I failed in my dreams, and I do not want you to tell me that is what you want because I don't believe it. I will find some way to save you that does not include death. I don't know how yet, but I will! I will save my friends; my people and I will save you and I will not stop fighting until I do." He is breathing harshly at the end of his tirade.
Lukas' eyes bore into his, searching desperately for something, truth maybe, sincerity. Matthias wonders. Then Lukas closes his eyes, and his entire expression clenches up in pain. He breathes in deeply as if to collect himself, but a harsh sob tears out of him instead. Matthias is horrified to see how Lukas just seem to crumble, suddenly pushed to his limits. Tears streaming down his face.
"Please stop," he pleads weakly, and then the words just come pouring out along with the tears. "I can't stand to listen to you talk like that. I do not want you to give me hope when I can see none for myself. You have already given me your promise to look for my brother and that is all I want. I do not want anything else. I cannot afford to care about my own life, and I certainly cannot afford to care about yours. If the rebels win this war, my life is a likely sacrifice and one I'll make easily if that is what will secure victory, but if the rebels lose it will cost your life and that is not a price that I am willing to pay." Lukas bends over, clutching at his stomach with both hands, and heaving great sobs repeating, "I can't."
"I'll stop" Matthias whispers guiltily and almost chokes on his words from how hard his throat is clenching with the struggle of suppressing his own emotions. He hurriedly wipes away a few tears of his own so Lukas will not see them if he looks up. He wants to pull Lukas in a hug, but he is not sure if he will accept or even appreciate the gesture, as he seems to struggle with the concept of caring for anyone but his brother. "I didn't mean to upset you, but I can't change how I feel." Matthias continues guiltily, but he needs to say it for his own peace of mind.
Lukas continues crying quietly for a few minutes staring firmly into the ground, but eventually the sobs become smaller and come further apart. "Can I just hold your hand?" Matthias asks carefully once he thinks Lukas might have calmed down a bit. "Normally I would offer a hug, but I don't want to push you."
Lukas does not look up at him, but he does lift his hand and offer it palm up. Matthias slowly and gently takes it into one of his hand places it in his lap and run his finger calmly over the smooth flesh in comfort. Lukas' hand feels cold and so soft against his skin and Matthias never wants to let go.
"I am so tired," Lukas says eventually. His voice hoarse and weary.
"Why don't we try talking about something else?" Matthias asks and when Lukas shrugs, he takes it as a sign to go ahead. "I can't say I know a lot about magic and stuff. You can tell me what even makes a dreamscape different from a normal dream. Or I come up with something completely different if you want me to. I can keep a conversation going for several people I have heard, I used to be good at talking once upon a time, talked people's ears off all the time."
Lukas huffs out a soft breath of air and Matthias takes it as a sign he has managed to regains some control of himself. "Obviously you are in control of everything you say in a dreamscape, and you can remember everything upon waking when a normal dream will fade. The dangerous thing about dreamscapes is that someone of magic can attack your mind and the damage can affect you in the waking world. That is why I do not want the king to find you. Dreamscapes do not usually look like this, you should know. The mist makes it difficult for the king to find me in here, it annoys him to no end and he is powerful enough that he always finds me in the end, and he is usually angry at that point," Lukas trails off darkly.
Matthias wants to turn the conversation a little bit lighter so he asks, "will you tell me what a normal dreamscape looks like?"
Lukas' fingers twitch in his hands but he does not demand his limb back. "Mine used to be a forest clearing by the foot of a mountain wall where the river came roaring down the mountainside as a waterfall into a deep pool. It smelled like fresh spring flowers and the birds sang all day and all night." He keeps talking and his voice become stronger as he describes the beauty and wonders of the forest clearing, the sorrow drifting away in favor of good memories.
Matthias let his eyes drift shut as he listens and he eventually dares to rest his gently on Lukas' shoulder. The words are painting a pretty picture and Lukas' voice is pleasant even when a bit hoarse from the crying. Deep and calm and Matthias forgets himself. "Seems nice. I wish I could see it with you one day."
Lukas stutters to a halt and pulls his hand back.
Matthias cannot hold back a whine. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to interrupt, I'll stay quiet just keep talking." He desperately want to take back his words so Lukas will relax again and keep talking.
"Shut up" Lukas whispers and Matthias' eyes snaps open from the sudden change his tone. The fog seems to have become darker while he rested his eyes for a few moments and he is about to ask why, but Lukas claps a hand over his mouth and his eyes are wide open in panic. He is pointing up towards the sky where the fog seems to be lifting. Circling above them is a dark shadow that is keeps moving in closer and closer with each pass.
"You need to go," Lukas whispers harshly, "now! He cannot see you, and if he does then everything will be over, you need to go!"
"I don't know how," Matthias cries back, his breath catching in his throat as panic takes over.
There is an unnatural screech above them and the shadow grows larger, clearly closing in.
Lukas acts quickly then. "This might be unpleasant." He says apologetically and there is pity in his eyes. He brings his palms up and they are glowing blue. He then slaps them on the sides of Matthias head before he has a chance to move and the dreamscape starts spinning. He can vaguely see Lukas turn around and stare up towards the dark shadow circle in closer, waiting, the darkness settles in around him, and the view fades. He can still vaguely hears screeching as everything turns to black.