Open book
Matthias wakes up with a raging headache and the feeling of a void in his chest. There is light stinging in his eyes and he clenches them shut, savoring the darkness and the relief the darkness brings with it, burrowing deeper into the blankets covering him. He feels as if he has slept for ages, his limbs heavy and mind slow. It is strange not to have startled awake by nightmares at any point through his sleep. His mind feels clearer than it has in a long time, and he uses the opportunity to sort through his thoughts but regrets it almost immediately when a flood of memories crashes though his skull.
His body wakes up in an instant then, fully alert, realizing he has no idea where he is. The last clear memory is Lukas flinging him aside and crashing onto a wall. His breathing catches in his throat and his heart drums in his chest, prepared to fight or flee. He sits up and almost throws himself out of what he realizes is the ratty lounging chair back at the safe house. His head pounds and the world spin from the movement and a wave of nausea washes over him along with another flood of fractured memories. There are flashes of swords, the smell of singed flesh and a piercing scream.
There is a movement beside him and he reaches after a weapon on instinct, until he recognizes Berwald. Realization slowly washes over him, muting the memories somewhat and his body sags in relief. The lounge chair is back at the safe house, he is in a safe location, Berwald is here, and he is with friends. The screaming in his head subsides, but the ache in his chest only increases.
"Take it easy," Berwald says calmly, and gently pushes Matthias back down in the chair.
Matthias sinks back into the chair, realizing that he is not strong enough to fight against Berwald in his current condition. "Vilje?" he whispers, desperate and terrified to find out if he failed to get her back in time or not. His voice is wrecked and his throat raw making even the single word hurt. He blinks in an attempt to clear the fog from his mind, but it only makes him aware of how much his eyes and the skin around his eyes sting. He realizes just how much he must have cried to make his skin hurt that much and he wishes he could remember exactly what went down instead of just the bits and pieces that rattle their way around his skull. "How long was I out?" he rasps, wincing as a ray of sunlight from the window sends pain lancing through his brain and he shields his eyes and realizes how heavy his limbs feel. "How long was I out?"
"Drink some water," Berwald suggests and offers him a glass that was conveniently waiting on the windowsill. He even helps Matthias hold the glass steady as he drinks but takes it away once Matthias realizes just how good it tastes and how thirsty he is and attempts to gulp it down as fast as he can and orders him to drink slowly not to make himself sick.
The water brings some sweet relief to Matthias' throat and even the headache seems to ease its iron grip.
"You were out for a full day and night, and it is about midday again." Berwalds tone is even, and Matthias curses inwardly, not for the first time at how hard it is to interpret his friend's mindset based on tone of voice. "Vilje is not here, but somewhere safe. She will be fine; we found a healer who is taking care of her so don't worry about her. We have other things to think about."
First, a wave of relief washes over Matthias. Vilje will be fine, he did not cause her death, but anxiety quickly takes over control. They others are going to have questions for him, and they will not let him off easy. He almost regrets emptying the glass of water as it threatens to make a second appearance at Berwald's words. He wonders if this is the moment when all his lies and secrets will come crashing down on top of him. It might be good to come clean on some things, but he prays to the gods that he can keep Lukas a secret as much as possible.
With a quick glance across the room to reacquaint himself with his surroundings, he realizes that Tino is also present without him even noticing. He is sitting on the couch wringing his hands anxiously, pretending not to cling to every word they are saying, but failing miserably. The two of them have clearly been waiting for him to wake up for quite some time and must be impatient.
Berwald gestures for Matthias to join Tino on the couch and offers him a hand to help him. They wait patiently as he slowly heaves himself out of the chair, careful with every movement so they will not jar his head and send further jolts of pain through his skull and feeling how every movement pull on aching muscles.
He takes stock of himself on the way over to map out whatever injuries he might have that he does not even remember receiving. There are a few scrapes on his arm and side that have scabbed over nicely and seem to be healing without any infection, His knees feel like they might be bruised, and his palms looks like he might have caught himself from falling at some point, but not seriously injured. When he feels up towards his aching forehead, his hand meets bandages covered in some sort of sticky gunk and he grimaces at the feeling.
"You shouldn't touch that," Berwald says with a sigh. "Herbalist said it would help you heal; we can change the bandages later. Sit down," his tone turns firm, leaving no room for discussion. "We need to talk, and you owe us some answers." He then places the bronze key on the small table in front of them and Matthias' world narrow down to one point of focus.
"We know you didn't purposely put Vilje in danger," Tino quickly interjects, but it does not make Matthias feel any less worried. "But she got injured anyways. We just want to know as much as we can about how it happened." Then he takes a long breath, preparing for a long rant, arms gesturing wildly. "Then there are the strange questions you asked the herbalist, what is that all about? She gave us the impression you must have fought with the commander himself, as in the one powerful enough to tear through entire groups of people on his own!"
Matthias pales, but nods weakly. He has no chance of lying under these circumstances, not when they already know large portions of the truth already.
"How in the world did you manage to survive that," Tino continues. "And what the hell is foxglove?"
"Calm down Tino," Berwald interrupts calmly, always the voice of reason. He pats Tino gently on the knee and Tino settles back down in the couch with a heavy sigh, still frustrated. "Give him some time to answer. One thing at the time."
Matthias wrings his hands where they lie in his lap, attempting to gather his thoughts enough to speak. He starts, but his voice breaks almost immediately and he needs to stop. He realizes this is going to be long frustrating conversation, especially considering how blurry some of his memories of that night are, at least of the memories he might be willing to share with the other.
Some of the memories he would rather keep to himself are clear as day and he struggles keeping them at bay. The last image of Lukas in the streets I practically burned to the back of his eyelids, so clenching his eyes shut does nothing to chase the visage away.
There is the sound of someone clearing their throat and Matthias is pulled back to the moment. Tino looks at him expectantly and impatient, apparently the culprit behind the sound. Berwald is more neutral, but Matthias is willing to bet he is just as impatient even though he is trying no to let it show.
"I couldn't sleep," he says hesitantly. "So, I went out and walked the streets, figured I might do some spying since I was already awake. I stumbled over a group of soldiers, and I followed them. Everything was fine and none of them saw me. We came to one of those district gates; they went through none the wiser." He needs to draw a few breaths and some courage to continue. "But it turns out the commander was with them, he sent them through first, but somehow knew I was there." It is not technically a lie and Matthias hopes the others will be convinced. "That is when everything went wrong and I can't really make sense of it all," still not a lie Matthias thinks, but he is rapidly approaching dangerous territory. "Then Vilje came out of nowhere and we fought." He trails off as his head aches from the blurry memories.
Tino has apparently lost his patience again. "How did you survive that?" he yells impatiently. "You're a good fighter Matt, but nothing like him, and he got magic, we all saw him that one time when he just swept his arm and killed several of ours just like that. You are no match to someone like him."
Matthias wrings hands again, unable to fight back the nervous tick. "Tino, do you remember the storybook I showed you once? It was about mythical creatures, fairytales."
Tino, as expected looks confused, not understanding the direction of conversation and Matthias cannot blame him. "What does fairytales have to do with any of this?" he says angrily. "Just how hard did you hit your head?"
Matthias winces at the tone, but he understands their anger. He still feels a little sick, dreading the rest of the conversation and wishes he could sink thought the floor and just disappear. Berwald is ever the savior. He grabs Tino's hand to stop his angry gestures. "Let him talk, Tino, yelling is not going to help."
Matthias could hug the man; eternally grateful they are not both screaming and demanding answers he struggles to provide. "The reason this book is important is because it is not just fairytales, it describes supernatural creatures, what they are like and what they can do. I hoped it might also include information that could help us defeat the commander in battle." He licks his lips, anything to draw out telling the truth. It feels like he is betraying Lukas by revealing the information from the book even though Lukas was the one to give Matthias the book in the first place with the intention to let him know how to stop his kind.
Lukas has said several times he is willing to die for the cause, but Matthias cannot bear the thought to lose him. His chest hurts and his breath becomes so much harder to draw. Their shared moment in the alley flashes before his eyes and clenches his eyes shut as he chokes on a sob.
"I thought it was stupid at first, but It turns out the book did contain useful information." He forces the words out and the admission tastes foul on his tongue, but the others looks truly interested now. "I asked Eir for stories and she told me to wear a pouch of ashes with me for protection against certain creatures. I believed then, as you must do now, that it is just silly, wives tales and superstition and will never work outside of stories, but I figured 'what harm could it do? I have nothing to lose.' I have carried a pouch of ashes with me almost since that day the commander escaped our capture. When he was about to kill us in that alley, I used it. I'd lost my weapon, but I could reach that silly pouch and I threw the ashes at him as my last hope."
Matthias shuts his eyes at the memory, forcing back the tears that threaten to spill. Hurting Lukas like that and leaving him behind to suffer is one of the most horrific things he has ever done in his life, and his friends will consider it a victory in their battle. "He started screaming," Matthias whispers and he can hear the echo of it in his mind. It will haunt him to his end of days, of that he is sure. "Screaming and smoking and he just collapsed. I just grabbed Vilje and got the hell out of there."
"Did it kill him?" Tino asks firmly, sounding almost hopeful.
Matthias feels cold dread wash over him and has to fight back the urge to vomit. "I didn't stick around long enough to find out," he murmurs guiltily. If they end up blaming him for not going for the kill, he will truly be sick. "I don't think so, it just seemed to slow him down and I wasn't willing to risk him fighting back. I needed to get Vilje out of there before more guards could show up. There was a lot of noise; I can't even remember what happened after that point." He prays they will leave the subject alone with that.
The other two look thoughtful, silent as they process the information. "Ashes…" Tino eventually breathes. "That explains how you managed to escape, but what is foxglove? You mentioned it for the herbalist when you were, well, out of it."
Matthias curses inwardly. He had hoped he could keep the damned plant a secret and just keep knowledge of it for himself as a last resort if everything else fails. If he finds way to save Lukas, then he will do it. Arming his friends with weapons designed to kill forest creatures is going to make that task exponentially more difficult.
Tino seems to sense his hesitation. "We're your friends Matt, you should trust us."
"I do trust you," Matthias snaps back. "I didn't keep this a secret just for the hell of it. I just thought you'd believe me crazy if I came and told you 'Hey, I found a story in some random book that suggest we use a plant and some ash to defeat an all-powerful magic-throwing commander, we should do as it says.' Hell, even I think it sounds crazy!" He is still on the verge of tears; not entirely sure which emotion is getting the better of him. It is probably guilt, he feels as if he has let everyone down and now, he is forced to throw Lukas to the wolves. He heaves a breath, ready to continue his tirade before he loses his nerve. "Then I realize that some stupid superstition I kept secret could help save us all and I learned that only after I got Vilje hurt. I feel like shit knowing I could have acted earlier and saved her. I feel even worse knowing that if I did say something and people believed it, we could all feel like we have a proper, fighting chance.
Matthias just chokes up on his words again, overwhelmed by his own feelings. Tino deflates a little, seemingly realizing how harsh his words sounded and even looks a little guilty and mutters out a quiet apology.
Matthias furiously wipes at his face, embarrassed and sick of his own tears that just never seems to stop. He feels a bit better after his angry words, releasing some pent-up energy. He is not good at keeping secrets and he feels relieved at having most of them out in the open now. Now there is only one big secret left and it one he intends to keep to himself, to his last breath if he can.
"I only recently started to think this superstition might even carry some truth," Matthias continues carefully, wincing a little at how hoarse his voice sounds. "When we went to Westhigh, their herbalist said the Capitol has tight control over plant and herb-trade, making it difficult to get a hold of certain thing. It makes me believe there are some plants the king will prefer to keep under his control alone. So, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't even really believe it myself."
Berwalds brow furrows deeply as he thinks. "I suppose I understand," he mutters eventually, and it is impossible to say how much he means it. "I admit would have a hard time believing in wives' tales unless I saw it work for myself, and if what the herbalist says is true, then we can only dream of finding this plant anywhere." Then he draws a long breath and Matthias mentally braces himself for what is coming. "I don't approve of you leaving off on your own without at least telling us. You could have died, Vilje almost did, and we would not have known what even happened to you."
Matthias shudders, the words hitting him hard. He knows he messed up in so many ways. It was stupid keeping all those secrets, and it was even more stupid going out alone, but he could not fight the damned pull between himself and Lukas. It seems so stupid now knowing the consequences of his actions.
"We are incredibly lucky you made it back. Both of you." Berwald continues, but his words does not seem as strained, making Matthias feel a little less like a traitor amongst them. "I think it is for the best we put all of this behind us and focus on what's ahead of us. After all, at least we still managed to learn something valuable, something that might even turn the tide in our favor. The commander has weaknesses, and now we know how to exploit them. We might not have foxglove, but we do have plenty of ashes, should slow him down enough, make the king lose his most important piece in the game."
Matthias turns cold at those words, but protesting will only seem suspicious. Lukas is not just some game piece for him. He is more like the missing piece in his heart and the hollow feeling in his chest is a firm reminder. He just prays they can stay clear of Lukas, he does not know if he will survive if he at some point has to watch Lukas die because of information he spilled.
Tino does not look very happy, probably still full of questions he wants to ask, but he remains quiet and looks expectantly towards Berwald, making it obvious where his loyalty lies.
Berwald then gestures towards the key that has been laying innocently on the table throughout the entire conversation. "You brought back this, and claimed it belongs to the gates." His gaze firm and Matthias is unable to look away. "Is that true? Are you sure?"
Matthias swallows. He has no memory of giving that key to the others and wonders what he might have said while apparently handing it over. He is unsure if he should thank or curse the knock to his head. At least, if he says something wrong, he has something to blame. "I don't know what to tell you," he begins uncertainly. "I am pretty sure it should belong to the gates if that is what I said, but that key is not really what I remember from that night."
"No matter," Berwald says. "We will have to test it and hope for the best. While you were sleeping, Tino and I did some scouting; we spent as much time as we could mapping when and where the guards move and when those doors should be free of people."
"For some reason it doesn't seem like your little stunt has made the soldiers increase the watches." Tino interrupts, incapable of staying silent for longer. "They can't have noticed losing a key or the guard you snagged it from hasn't dared telling anyone. The town criers haven't warned people about violence in the streets, and everything seems completely normal. We should take advantage of that I say and make our move further into the city. Do you feel up for it?"
"Yes!" Matthias says firmly. "I need to make up for my mistakes. I owe it to Vilje, let's go" He is about to get up from the couch, ready to go, eager to get moving and do something more conductive than talking.
Berwald is quick to push him back down before he gets anywhere. "Let us not be rash," he says firmly. "We've made that mistake too often. You just woke up and suffered a massive blow to the head. We don't have time for you and Vilje to heal completely, but we are not going out there right now. We can afford one more day. Tino will go out again and make sure there is a pattern to the patrols. You will rest, make sure there are no ill effects to that wound, eat, get some more sleep, and make our plan."
"I just slept for an entire day, and night" Matthias protests, full of impatient energy and he would rather not sit around just thinking and planning, he is not eager to allow his mind the time to spin out of control in a downwards spiral of guilt and doubt. "I feel a lot better; I haven't slept this much in forever."
"We know;" Berwald sighs and he looks away, avoiding Matthias's gaze. "You refused to sleep when you showed up here, even though you were exhausted. You needed rest, desperately."
Matthias frowns in confusion, glancing from one friend to the other.
Tino looks uncomfortable as well. "You needed to rest properly to heal, so we asked the herbalist to help you sleep. She took away your nightmares. We know you haven't slept properly for weeks; we are worried about you." His earlier anger seems to have evaporated completely and now he is back to wringing his hands.
Matthias does not know how to feel about their admission, not really understanding why they seem so torn about asking the herbalist for something to help him sleep. He feels more rested than he has in several weeks and it is nice not to wake up screaming, they only care about him, and he feels grateful knowing that. They desperately needed this conversation, no matter how uncomfortable. The air between them seems clearer now, less distrustful. Tino's suspicious glare has subsided and Berwald seems a little less tense.
Matthias is suddenly glad then that the others refused to head out right away, because like a stroke of magic he feels exhausted. The conversation has completely drained him of energy. The earlier headache never left and is now returning with a vengeance.
Berwald gives him a pat on the back and a sympathetic smile. It is more a twitch of the lips rather than a smile, but Matthias has known him long enough to know what it means. "Tomorrow," he says. "For now, let us find you something to eat."
Most of the day after Matthias wakes up, pass in a blur mostly consisting of planning. Tino and Berwald prepare a big meal and they eat their fill. They ask more questions about details on magical creatures and Matthias goes through his bags to hand them his stack of papers from the bottom. They sort through them with their limited reading skills, mostly belonging to Tino. Matthias shows them a page, picturing a vette, trying to ignore the twisting in his gut as he does so.
They then spend some time creating more pouches of ashes, just in case they might need them, asking Matthias for more details on how they seemed to affect the commander and strategizing what might be the best method to use them. When night comes, Matthias is exhausted both emotionally and physically and falls asleep with surprisingly little issues, body desperate for some proper rest to heal up.
He wakes up once, screaming his lungs out with the image of Lukas howling in agony, covered in ash tearing through his mind. Matthias sees himself holding an empty pouch of ashes. Berwald and Tino then appears with more ashes, foxglove, and weapons at the ready, Lukas is begging for mercy, but nobody is listening. Then he blinks awake to a dark room with more tears streaming down his cheeks and slowly realizes where he is.
He is about to get up and pace the room to release some energy, when Berwalds steps up to him, holding a steaming mug of foul-smelling tea, urging him to drink and Matthias gulps it down gratefully, gladly embracing the empty darkness without memories to haunt him.
Matthias wakes up late in the morning, relieved to escape any more dreams. He feels better after another night of rest. Berwald allows him to remove the bandages and it turns out the healer know her work well. The cut on his forehead has scabbed over nicely and the swelling is almost gone. It is still looking a little gruesome with the skin turning dark blue and green along the edges, but it is all an indication it is healing nicely. His head still aches, but nowhere close to the earlier level and his mind is clearer. He spends most of the day sorting his thoughts, intensely focused on the mission knowing that distractions might be fatal next time.
Tino spent most of the night out scouting again; to make sure the pattern of guards keeps up, to pick the best window for action for their plan. He returned at some point in the morning and spends the entire day sleeping.
That day passes agonizingly slow. Matthias spends a large portion of it pacing back and forth in the hallway, doing some easy exercises to loosen up his sore muscles, unable to stay still for more than a few minutes at the time. Berwald is not much better, but rather than pacing, he goes over every piece of their equipment, looking for damages. He also keeps looking in on Tino who is fast asleep in the living room, almost every hour on the dot. Matthias does not even bother remarking on the behavior. Berwald deserves something good in his life and Matthias will not risk say anything that might ruin whatever is growing between the others.
After what seems like an eternity, darkness comes, Tino wakes up and they can prepare for whatever lies ahead. They only bring the essentials. Weapons, pouches of ash, a rope, some simple tools that might be useful and lastly, the key.
Tino is the one to lead the way through the streets, almost as confident as he would be in the forest. He has prepared for this over the last few days, the instincts of a hunter still present even though the surroundings are new. Matthias and Berwald seems like lumbering idiots in comparison, but they make their way without incident.
They stick close to the walls and the shadows as much as they can. Tino must have good control on the guards' movements, for they down even hear a single group of them as they make their way through the streets towards the next district. When they approach the wall, they move slower, looking up occasionally to make sure none of the guards atop the wall is looking down at the street they are in before they move on.
They reach one of the hidden doors with ease, all their careful preparation paying off. Tino lays his head against it, listening intently for several seconds while Berwald and Matthias holds their breath. "It seems clear," he whispers eventually and moves out of the way.
Matthias' heart start beating faster, and he fishes out the bronze key from his pocket, holding it up. He looks at Berwald and Tino, gauging their expressions for any signs that they want to abandon their plan and go back, but both their eyes glow with determination and Berwald gives him an encouraging nod.
"Let's do this!" Matthias whispers as he pushes the key into the lock and twists.