Chapter 4
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel *
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(epigraph)
Friends and liars, don't wait for me,
'cause I'll get on all by myself.
I've put millions of miles under my heels,
and still too close to you I feel.
(Audioslave, "I am the Highway")
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When the first smoking crack in the ground appears, he senses a presence. It's not his eyes that tell him of it, not his ears, not even his infra-red receptors that only begin to pick up something after he stops and looks around. It is that inexplicable thing inside – his intuition.
He doesn't know how, but it rises straight from the core of his being and stirs all his senses. The sensation of a presence.
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He senses it while making his way around the volcanic rift, looking for a narrow place to jump over. It is only the first outstretched claw of the Forge, not the Forge proper yet. But the leap over that crack will be really symbolic, it will be crossing a line, and Spock wants to honor the moment. He strides along the edge of the rift, matching his breaths with his strides, addressing his long-passed Vulcan ancestors in his thoughts, asking them to understand and to guide him on his way into the unknown…
When the long line of names reaches Surak, the boy stops abruptly in his tracks and feels hairs rising up on his arms and on the back of his neck, like a wild animal's. The points of his ears twitch slightly, like a wild animal's from whom Vulcans inherited them. His eyes widen in response to the signals of his psionic receptors, to the warning that his mind receives from...
The presence.
Not just startling – overwhelming. If it is a predator – it is a very large one. And – Spock can't explain how he knows, he just knows it – the one with years and years of experience. The one knowing things about the wilderness and the Forge, things that Spock hasn't even started to learn… And therefore a very cunning and dangerous predator.
But as big as the presence is in his mind, Spock sees no one around. He strains his night-sight to the limit, but to no avail.
No one big and dangerous around, that is. In the desert at night, small living things are always around. Creatures running or crawling on the ground, night birds calling and occasionally taking off flapping their wings, the glowing insects that are drawn to the mental energy of larger beings… The usual night journey companions that can startle you sometimes, but pose no threat to your life. While this…
The giant vultures don't fly by night, but the large carnivores prefer the night for hunting, it is well-known. Both the carnivorous animals and the carnivorous plants of Vulcan are mostly nocturnal. Of which only animals can follow and track their prey. But even if the predators can move relatively soundlessly – relatively, because a trained ear can still define their steps among the whispers and rustles of the night – they are not invisible. They have to hide, and even then their glowing eyes can give them away. And if not the eyes – then the smell gives them away. And if not the smell – then it is the subtle mental signals, the instinctive impulses of an animal nervous system that a gifted telepath can sense at a short distance. A gifted telepath that is capable of sensing the emotional aura of living beings even without touching them.
Spock happens to be one, thanks to his famous lineage and his own abilities that he is still only discovering, and he is sensing something now. But – probably because his mind is still immature - he can't rationalize what it is. And he can't see any large moving shapes either. Well, there are some big rocks around, and they – it – may hide behind them…
"Vi nam-tor tra'?!" (1)
Silence.
"Vi nam-tor ish-veh?!" (2)
His voice is thin and shaky and childish, and it is so lame and foolish to call out to the shadows in the middle of the desert…
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Spock clutches his knife and assumes a fighting stance that Master Sanshiin would have approved of if only he was here (Spock suddenly sincerely wishes he was. The old man never called Spock a weakling and never treated him differently from other students). Spock is so much less certain of his chances now than he was at the Sheltering Rock at the beginning of the sandstorm…
What Spock knows with total certainty is that if he stays on one spot, he will be an easy target. He must move and get out of this place. This is a rational decision and he must act rationally, he mustn't give in to panic. He must think logically. And logic says there are at least two essential steps to safety…
The first one is easy. Spock pulls the torch out of his backpack. Not the electric torch – the other one, the fire torch. You can't keep dangerous animals away with an electric light – what they are afraid of is burning hot fire. Unfortunately Spock is still far from the Fire Plains, and the rift he is standing by is not a burning lava rift. It only emits wisps of smoke and reeks of gas. His torch has gas too. So Spock strikes a match and blue flame springs out of the bronze holder.
The shadows pull back, and the flickering light dances on the ground and on the nearby rocks. But only some small lizards dart away from the fire. Whatever big and menacing is waiting out there – it still does not show itself.
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The second step takes a few minutes of exploring the rift edges by the torchlight until Spock finds a place where the edges come close enough – about his height from one to another. That will suffice. No time to look out for an easier way.
Spock tosses his backpack across to the other side, then backs about a dozen steps off the rift and takes a run. In those brief moments, he thinks he sees some huge shape out of the corner of his eye and for a second the panic returns. Is the beast following him?! He calls mentally for his ancestors to protect him and speeds up.
"I'wak! Now!"
And the leap carries him across the rift, and the wisps of smoke dash away swiftly as if it is they who are scared...
He lands well in spite of everything and rolls forward gracefully, jumping up straight into a fighting stance and keeping firm hold of his torch (if only Master Sanshiin could see it!).
He waves his gas torch and glances frantically around, muttering the mantra all kids learn before their Kahs-wan:
"Nam-tor phtak vashau kashek… Nam-tor phtak vashau kashek…" (3)
He sees no one. What is more – he senses no one.
The strange presence is gone.
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It is the third day after the great sandstorm – and Spock is still not found. And he doesn't want to be, since he is not really lost.
Now he is really on his way, and the elation of meeting with the unknown fills him up. He is getting further and further away from home – and he is not afraid. If anything, he feels empowered. This is a chance to venture so much further and explore so much more than on any of his previous hikes. This is a chance to change his life. He isn't heading towards any certain destination right now. But after the first wave of elation settles down, he realizes that he is unconsciously steering towards the Temple of Kir.
It is an acceptable direction and a familiar one, though still too close to Shi'Kahr. But he can ask for sanctuary there. If only they grant it to him and not simply return him to his parents as an underage delinquent… He has to think it over. Maybe the Temple is really too close…
Spock inwardly shames himself for not working out a clear plan and a clear route. The way he left home was almost… almost impulsive. He just wanted to get away from it all and get free. And once in the desert, distracting events started happening one after another.
Well, he is (relatively) safe right now and still has time to atone for his lack of logic and to elaborate his route. The Forge is still all his to cross over.
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He is still on the outskirts of the Forge, and there are still some plants around. Spock starts to look out for familiar clusters of pollu bushes, the sign of an underground water source. As confident of himself as he is now, he is not going into the Forge with an empty water-skin. There are a few volcanic hot springs in the Forge, and he will have to turn to them at some point. But they are still very far, and he needs water sooner than that. He has already gone nearly three days without water, having left all his supply for the sehlat cub to drink, and his body begins to give first warning signals. Too soon, but he is still very far from adult physical capacity. He can count on three or four more days, but he'd better find water sooner.
"That water was well spent", Spock reminds himself with a little warm smile. "I believe the kan-bu (4) has found his mother".
Right now the ground is gradually getting stonier. There are a lot of ovoid-shaped pebbles lying around that may or may or be agates. They look tempting…
"I am a scientist. I – am – a scientist! And explorer!" - Spock punctuates each phrase by kicking small round stones far and high, one by one – and laughs when suddenly a scared bird jumps up from a bush ahead, clapping its wings frantically.
"A scientist must be brave. A scientist must be brave if he wants to really explore the Universe. An explorer is not afraid to meet strange things… I didn't destroy that bird's nest, did I?"
But the bush is empty of any nests and of any creatures when he comes close to it. Good. Life must be valued, living things must be respected. He is not a bully. He is not an aggressor. Why does his father think he is aggressive? That is so absurd…
Peaceful exploration, that's all he wants. In the city Spock has his telescope, charts, books and holoprograms about space – he knew he wanted to become an astrophysicist since he learned to read. His science projects at school amaze his teachers. His mother calls him "science Wunderkind" - a word in an Earth language that some of her distant Earth ancestors used to speak. By and by, he is getting better at science than his classmates. He has already made himself a name in school science contests. No one can accuse him of any "intellectual impairment" or "slow development", impure blood or not. Quite the opposite. Isn't this enough for his father to be proud of him?
But his father says Spock puts too much passion in his science studies… and in everything. "If it helps me excel – then how is it bad?.."
And yesterday his father called Spock a disgrace to his house and an outcast…
And this is why now Spock doesn't want to come back to that life, that school and that house. He is absolutely sure of that… almost sure. "How many per cent sure?" He finds that he is not able to calculate it.
Sometimes it's easier to get lost in doubts, fears and insecurities than in any kind of wilderness…
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After a good rest by the hidden water spring, having drunk his fill and renewed his water supply, Spock heads straight into the depths of the Forge.
The Sentinels – the giant statues guarding the borders of this dangerous territory – greet him with somber stony gazes from some distance away. He salutes them:
"I am a Vulcan", he says to them. "I have the right to be here. I have the strength to endure the journey. Watch me and you will see".
But he doesn't go near the Sentinels: although it is not the season for Kahs-wan rites, this sacred ground is much visited on all seasons. To avoid people, Spock takes a side road and hurries off to the rock labyrinths. Soon he is lost from the sight of anyone who could possibly be watching, even that of the Sentinels.
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He wanders freely by night and by day, resting in shelter in the hottest hours, like te'Vikram (5) did in the old times, sometimes covering up to 20 kellicam (6) on a good day on an even ground, and sometimes having his progress slowed by ravines and rock outcroppings.
He is now sure of his strength and endurance, way past his early childhood doubts when he feared to fail the Kahs-wan rite of passage because of his "human weakness". Physically, externally and internally, he is much more Vulcan than human. And, growing up, he is learning to compensate for whatever influence the frail human genes have on his physiology - by his mind training, sports and martial arts and by hardening himself in long journeys.
He is 13 now and beginning to gain in height and strength. Maybe he will never be the tallest or the strongest among his full-blooded Vulcan peers – but he is going to grow tall and strong enough, he knows it. He is no weakling. He may even have a good chance of growing up faster than his peers, because of his human genes. Whatever weaknesses he has are not really in his body – they are in his emotional sensitivity that is still so hard for him to control. And he is expected to – he is not a little child anymore…
But whenever he walks alone in the wilderness, his sensitivity strangely doesn't make him as vulnerable as it does in the society. Quite the opposite, here his sensitivity becomes his ally and his protector, alerting him of possible danger and filling him with wonder at the beauty of his world. It helps him find his way by day and by night, helps him find the best places to rest, helps him sense dangerous predators from far away, and even at times in some inexplicable way helps his to find hidden water sources.
Even those street bullies, Stonn's companions who always walked around in a tight gang and tried to assert themselves at the expense of smaller kids, and who often tried to intercept Spock on his way home from school – even they were afraid to go that far into the wild. They, for all of their bragging, never ventured out as far as he did on his own. Neither did his nemesis Tavek, Spock is sure of that – so who is the weakling now?
"Out of sight, out of mind – isn't this what Mother says?"
Spock throws the thoughts of them all out of his mind, one by one, and tries to engage in walking meditation. He concentrates on mindfully taking his steps and on counting seconds for each inhale and exhale, while impassively observing everything around him. But now and then this schooled concentration gives way to simple curiosity when he sees an animal, a bird, an insect or a nice-looking stone, and stops to look.
And each night the stars take his breath away.
His peers do not accept him. But the desert does. His relatives and neighbors doubt and question him. But the mountains and the stars do not.
Sochya – true peace inside and outside – is only here.
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*No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel – a line from Audioslave's song "I am the Highway". The song tells about leaving the place where people don't understand you and asserting your personal independence. Even though the song is definitely from the point of view of an adult, the mood of it suits young Spock who seeks independence and self-assertion in his journey. And this particular line sounds very Vulcan too.
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(1) Vi nam-tor tra'?! - "Who is there?!" in Vulcan
(2) Vi nam-tor ish-veh?! - "Who is it?!" in Vulcan.
(3) Nam-tor phtak vashau kashek. – "Fear destroys the mind" in Vulcan. (Yes, Vulcan is absolutely not Dune, it is a whole other desert planet. But this phrase fits really well into Vulcan philosophy, so they must have a saying or even a whole long mantra that is similar to the famous Dune litany "Fear is the mind-killer…").
(4) Kan-bu - "little one", "baby" in Vulcan.
(5) Te'Vikram – the ancient Vulcan nomadic clans, known for their extreme survival skills and war-like customs.
(6) Kellicam – the Vulcan measure of distance, about 2 kilometers.