XXVII: Hunger
A/N: THIS IS A HUGE WHOOPS!
I was re-reading my fic last night and I realized that there was a chunk of my story missing ! How did I let that happen?! I am so sorry. I hope this helps with some missing info in my story. I will adjust the chapter numbers once this is posted so that it isn't confusing! My bad.
Vishti barked less with Feyd busy at work. They liked the slow motions of our routine, rather than the zapping pace Feyd kept them at. We took our time with baths and combing through my hair. Their hands braided many long braids down my back as they told me stories of their childhood. It kept me distracted long enough for them to finish their job.
One story spoke of a planet that was a green paradise. A god took a liking to the beauty of this planet, lush and tropical with mild weather, beautiful stars above it and two moons. Water. So much water that it held the entire horizon with its lapping waves. The god decided to make it their home world. They landed upon the surface, buried deep down in the planet and breathed an air of life that instead poisoned the atmosphere. It made the sun too hot. The greenery all died. Water evaporated from the oceans and streams, turning them into sandy paths cut through the planet that only grew and grew as time passed on.
I swallowed. "What did the God do when they saw that they killed the planet?"
Vishti waved their hands away. "What they always do. Make deals to get what they want."
The god begged a creature of the sky for help. Save the planet, save this paradise. The creature looked down on the dry planet with hunger. It knew the surface of this planet. The taste was sweet and smooth through its body. So, the creature agreed to resuscitate the planet.
Only, it betrayed the god. It wrapped its long slithering body around the god's neck and squeezed until there was nothing holding the body together.
"What happened to the creature," I gasped.
"It still roams. It consumed the planet with its endless hunger. It replaced god as power, and let its greed turn the planet into a dry paradise."
I shivered. "Disgusting."
"That is greed, my lady. More and more and more. It will make whole planets, shhhht, disappear." Their fingers snapped. "That is why we be grateful for what we have. The thirst of our minds is a poison."
My fingers tapped against my belly. "Tell me you have more pleasant stories for the baby."
"My children loved these stories," Vishti said. "They asked for them. All the time, they beg of me."
"I don't know if I'd want a baby feeling guilt over being hungry."
"Wallah, lady. Do you not listen? Take what you need. Did that god need a new planet? Was the creature that hungry? No. It was excess." They explained. "Excess is make the insatiable hunger."
Feyd had excess.
His life was excess.
Did that mean his hunger for power was unsatisfiable?
"How do you cure it?" I asked.
"Heh?"
"The hunger. How do you cure it once it is set in the mind?"
Their eyes crinkled. A haunted sad smile curled their face.
"Easy. Take it," they said. "Take it all away. When they have nothing, they see what matters."
That was not so easy.
The time of the grand celebration in Feyd's honor neared. The preparations were done without his notice. He seldom noticed things of the castle, now. He was fixed on the hunt through the desert. My time with him became seldom, in passing in between his missions and training. There was so few moments that his hands held me close.
He'd entrusted things to be run on their own, by the advisory board, while he was busy. They only continued without direct instruction a short while before the fear of his reaction prompted them to look to me for guidance.
I was offered the final decision upon the run of Carthag castle - a position I was not qualified for. The onslaught of concerns that needed tending was inescapable. Every action - or atleast it felt like it - needed my permission. The replacement of a thopter's blown motor was given for my perusal, somehow.
As was the allotment for monthly water usage, something I had not realized was done within the court. Every family was given a strict allowance of water for the month. A policy that was a constant battle for the nobility and Feyd. They did not like how little they were given. For some, it was enough to drink, but seldom do much else.
Feud had kept this turmoil from my knowledge. Or perhaps, I'd allowed my mind to ignore its truth.
Water.
The thirst.
The desert gave it seldom and took it as fast as it could.
The status of the celebration was easily controlled with my new oversight. Lord Bondar was given word of it. He ensured that he was whole-heartedly involved. I granted him a short leash of control. Feyd's commitment to keeping the man's head intact on his shoulders rang of the lord's importance.
His wealth was one thing. He was gifted in riches.
I'd discovered his one use that was above money; his true power was influence.
Lord Bondar was popular amongst the nobility. The aristocracy that filled Feyd's court, and the Baron's, was full of close friends of the lord. Friendships that were decades in the making. Some, were familial relations that bonded deeper than just friendship.
The lord offered his services for the nobility on the eve of Feyd's party. He would have all in attendance with gifts and finery that would bring a royal flourish to the 'heathen' traditions of the common people of Arrakis.
"They will need some convincing," the lord commented under his breath.
"What will it take to convince them of this?" I questioned. As much as I yearned to tell the nobility to shove it in an unpleasant hole, I could not. I needed them pleasant. Pliable.
They needed to like Feyd more than the Baron.
"They are not happy with the conditions," Lord Bondar stated. "The allotments are stringent. Some will not show face in the court because of their hygiene. It is too native. It is not the way of Harkonnens."
I shifted. Water was so scarce. I was led to believe there would be reserves aplenty for Feyd and me, but how much did that mean?
My attention turned to another black-robed man. "Is there any more we can spare for the court?"
Wrinkles around their mouth cut deeper as a scowl deepened. "We run a risk of running out of the castles private reserves."
"None that can be recouped after the party?"
"It is possible," they grumbled. "But unwise. The risk is not worth it."
"It would be worth it if it was your family that went unbathed," Lord Bondar said.
"I have the same allotment as they," the advisor retorted.
"A single man has the same allotment as families of four. We should expect you to be the cleanest member of the castle with all that water."
My lips sighed. Could I dare use up the safety net with the risk of not having water later?
"It is unwise, my lady. All for a party," advised the grumpy man.
"It is for the honor of your na-Baron," I said sternly.
"The lord na-Baron would want his court in attendance," Lord Bondar finished his plead for the other aristocracy. "They require more water to consider attending."
There was a stand still.
Neither wanted to relent. It was left to me to render a decision to shift the resources toward the nobles so that Feyd's party could truly honor him - not a celebration he threw himself, but someone else took the time to care enough to honor him.
Not a ridiculous show of slaughter like his birthday celebration back in Geidi Prime.
This was a gift to him for all he'd done for us to survive, together. My gift of becoming the lady he wanted just to show my affection of him.
My rotten ragged animal.
"Yulyushek. What of the na-Baron's gift?"
"It is in transit," the advisor replied. His fist clenched and released. He subtly massaged the muscle of his bicep. "Expected to arrive tonight."
"Is there any special way it needs to be stored? I'll need that prepared, if so."
"Yes, Lady Witch."
"Will na-Baron be able to use it?"
"We are under the impression that it is ceremonial," was the answer given to my query.
It was not much. Not useful, apparently.
I wondered how Feyd would respond to a gift that had no purpose other than to be seen. He kept a very efficient lifestyle. Seldom things were kept because they were appealing. He liked useful things. Weapons. Clothing. Armor. It all held purpose in his life.
It did not belong if it did not work for him.
The doctor's word shot through my head. I would not be of use if I was unattractive. If my body failed to appeal to him after the birth of his heir, I might be let go.
"What of the water, my lady?"
I swallowed thickly. This decision was a pressure I did not like feeling. A risk or reward, dependent on a future I could not foresee.
"I want an assessment on the castles water usage done." I said slow as the thought came to lucidity a moment before it exited my mouth. "What amount do we have to work with as a whole? That is what I want to know. Just how much is being rationed for each person, and how much can be shifted, for the time being, so that all can partake in festivities."
A fist landed against the table suddenly. "That is not the way it is done."
"I don't care," I replied blandly. "Either the na-Baron kills me dead and sets things right or for one night, everyone will have the same amount of water. The na-Baron will have his honor. I will see to it that it is not a mockery." My eyes flashed to the Lord Bondar. "Send a compiled list of every person that resides in Feyd's court. We'll analyze it and see what the water assessment says. It will need done immediately."
Lord Bondar snapped from his position. "Yes, Lady Mintha."
His head tipped in a short bow before he fled the room.
The other advisors all turned back to me. Their dead eyes deadened my nerves.
"Does the lady intend to inform the na-Baron of these changes?"
They had not bothered to ask if he minded before they forced these decisions upon me.
I was the one to fall on their sword.
The burden of a responsibility I never asked for.
"I will not reveal why, but I will speak to him of the change. If he orders it, undone. So be it."
A flashing alarm blared bright on the table. A hologram flashed a cloud of black light in front of one of the men. His eyes scanned through the message.
"The na-Baron shall arrive in five minutes," he relayed.
I sighed. Finally. The stress of this meeting had worn my sliver of happiness in living to nothing. Seeing him would make it better. Restore a piece of it.
"Notify me when Lord Bondar sends those names. I want them verified against the manifests first before we spare the water."
I did not trust him to be above tricks.
They assured me it would be done.
My pace was swift down to where Feyd would land. My heart beat excitedly despite my exhaustion. Inside, I knew that he would rectify my emotions.
I watched the thopters form in the distance on the sky. They neared. The lights of their bodies grew brighter as they neared the ground. Bursts of air shot through the landing bay just before they touched.
My skirts billowed behind me then dropped dead in the rather calm night. The smell of hot sand touched my nostrils. It was a comfort. I breathed deep the Arrakis heat.
Feyd dismounted the thopter. His large hand patted the captains shoulder before he walked toward me.
A smirk formed in the corner of his mouth. "Honey, I'm home." It turned into a smile when I smiled in return. "How are my girls?"
"Tired," I said flatly. "Like you, I imagine. You've been gone all day."
He nodded. The weight of the stress did not pull at his features like it pulled at mine, but I still sensed the change of his energy. The work, the heat, the stress, all weighed upon his shoulders.
The position in his uncle's court was a heavy burden. Although they were strong and resilient, Feyd's shoulders deserved a rest.
"We are close," he assured me. "We were on their trail. Soon, we will know where they return to."
We wandered back to the royal quarters of the castle. Our feet were slow, as if savoring the walk together in silence.
The brush of the tips of our fingers was a shot of excitement through my skin. It welcomed his heat. Tingles ascended my forearms and biceps with their tickling thrill.
"Have you eaten?" He asked.
I shook my head with a grimace.
He snarled. "Mintha."
His steps quickened. Their destination I knew well.
"You have to take care of yourself."
"I was busy and forgot. It was not intentional," I explained in apology.
I was pulled into his - our - chambers. He made an instant demand of his servant. The quickest meal they could muster is what they were ordered to bring.
"Three minutes. I will wait three minutes until I start chopping fingers of those nearest," he threatened. The ripple of frustration then turned to me, "Busy? Your only job is to keep yourself healthy and alive. I handle everything else. You will eat, every meal. Every meal will be served to you, and eaten, is that clear?"
"I can decide when I am hungry, Feyd," I stated in exasperation.
"Mintha," he declared rather suddenly. It dropped the air of all its comfort. "Do you not understand your importance?"
My mind blanked. I tapped the swell of my abdomen as I regarded the statement with the pure emotion he'd it expressed it with.
Feyd disliked the silence.
"In the House?" I quietly asked.
"Importance to me." His hands held the sides of my face suddenly. There was a gentle firmness to his fingers. They did not pull my skin from my bones. Rather, he held the edges of my face without pressing inward on their own flesh to keep me from disappearing. "I want you with me. Here."
"I am with you here," I replied.
"For now. Until you decide to leave. Until you give up again," he said swiftly like it had bottled inside his chest, now ready for release. "I will not tolerate it. I'll force feed you if I must. You won't die by your own choice. Not if I can help it."
It had been so long since I'd thought of dying by my own choice. Or tempting fate.
After Feyd's promise of slaughter if I birthed a son, the thought did not enter my mind. I did not yearn for its dark embrace. He would do what was right to spare me more suffering when the time came. I could entrust my soul to that.
There were times that I even attempted to visualize a future. Feyd spoke of his hopes for the future. As a family. I tried to do that on my own, too, with hopes and goals of my own.
My brow furrowed as I looked at him. "I do not want to die, Feyd."
"You tried to jump off the balcony. You refuse to eat," he relayed.
"That is true. But those were actions I did to save your child. I thought it was the only way." I took a slow breath in through my nose. "Those thoughts do not occur to me any more."
His hands released me. A gentle kiss pressed against my forehead.
"Alright, sweetness." He spoke calmly once more.
"I won't leave you alone, Feyd."
Not until your son is born. He said he would kill us.
"Good," he said.
He lowered himself into his chair at the dining table. A servant with a small tray appeared with a collection of dishes.
"Na-Baron," they greeted.
It was not a servant I recognized. My eyes followed them through the room. The leather hood that covered their face obscured much of their features - a Harkonnen tradition. Why let victims have faces?
There did not need to be a hood for me to not recognize Adnan. His bouncy black curls filled the hood in a strange way that the Harkonnen servants did not.
"Where is your local slave?" I asked him.
Feyd shrugged. His fingers plucked one of the slimy pieces of meat from the dish. I scowled at the limp jiggly way it shook at the end of his touch.
His fingers pushed a dish of sliced fruit toward me. "Eat."
I pushed the plate away.
"Where is Adnan?" I asked again.
"Who is Adnan?"
My voice hardened in my throat. "Your local slave. His name was Adnan. Where is he?"
His chewing continued in silence. The dark of his eyes hardened as he met my stare. "You ask for a slave by name. Why."
"He is a friend to my friend, Feyd. Aishti. She cares for Adnan, your slave. And I care for her," I said sternly. "Where is he?"
He leaned his head against the chair, bored and disinterested. "Dead."
"Dead."
"He may have been in Lord Bondar's payroll," he explained like the words were bland in his mouth. "I could not take the chance."
My heart beat burned in my chest.
The monster. It peeked out in times I did not expect.
My eyes burned. "Why could you not keep him alive? Send him to the kitchens. Send him to Lord Bondar, for god's sake! Don't kill him. He probably had a family. I know he had friends. Why leave them heartbroken?"
"They are a slave," he replied in a confusion.
"I was once one of those!" My fist hit the table.
Feyd's head snapped to the side. His eyes absorbed every inch of me. I could practically see the ripples of excitement course through his veins.
Before he turned this moment to something I was unable to resist, I thought faster. The moment demanded justice. Adnan's death, it mattered.
I did not believe him to care, but the consideration of its impact – that was something he could learn.
He'd learned with me.
"What of our child, if it is a daughter," I started.
"It is a daughter."
"Will you kill her beloved attendants whenever you wish, or grow angry with someone else? Will she never have a beloved person above your blade?"
"She will have you."
"That is not enough, Feyd." I ran a hand along my hairline. Sweat beaded light at my brow. The weight of this dresss and the anger inside me, compounded the heat. "There have to be people who survive you. Death cannot be all that you serve."
He paused. His fingers held the edge of the table.
"It is what protects us," he reasoned.
"It is what chains us to him. You, a killer, just as he meant you to be. You. The makings of nightmares he created, and you, Feyd, carry it on. With the slaves. With all the bodies you leave in your wake." I shook my head. "Do you not see? If you consume everything, there will be nothing left for your legacy. For us."
Feyd was rendered silent. He ate in his silence. There was a lingering stare on my own plate, though. I ate to oblige his wants. The hunger did not touch me.
He never sat silent without reply, without anger.
Just nothing.
My stomach coiled in disgust when he entered his office and closed the door.
I was left alone in the wake of my own. I hadn't known that those thoughts lived inside me. Not like that.
Feyd mattered to me. What his future held had seldom concerned me, since I knew it was bloody and war torn. Now my mouth had shown something I'd evaded for so long. I had hope. There was hope that he could be a man again. A shred of humanity inside that rotten monster flesh, even deeper than the animal hide we both wore. He was a man. A man who deserved to have a chance at a life not cut through its his blades.
I went straight to the advisory rooms to continue my plans for Feyd's celebration. It suddenly felt much more important.
It was everything.
Just like he was.
He was all.
Not spice, nor blood, nor crown.
A single person like Feyd deserved a life that did not force him to take life in order to live.