Derry Girls: Past and Present

by HopeConquersAll

This is the third installment of the series, Derry Girls: a new arrival. In the summer of 1997 we rejoin the gang who begin to face new horizons as they begin their final year of A-Levels as the realities of life encroach upon their bubble of teenage troubles, and there are some lessons to be learned beyond the classroom. But will those lessons be learned?

20. Chapter 20

That woman's got me drinking by Shane MacGowan and The Popes played inside the Social club. Michelle bopped her head to the music as she bounded over back from the juke box towards the bar area to join the girls. Erin handed Michelle her drink as they gathered around James and Marco along with the parents, Uncle Colm and Cousin Declan. Clare kept glancing around to see if Laurie had arrived yet, but the wee lesbian's girlfriend was nowhere to be seen.

It was the distinction that the Das bought the lads their first official drink as adults, despite knowing this wasn't the case. It had been a heated debate between Gerry and Joe, the latter informing the former to stop being a tight bastard and buy the lads a drink. Thankfully, Tony intervened and bought the first drink.

The social club's main room busked busily. It had a large, seated area that was filled with small, square tables. Dark red patterned carpet was separated by varnished wooden flooring which served as paths towards the dark varnished wooden bar area, the game area, and the dance floor square which sat in the middle. A small platform served as a stage for the MC. Warm, golden lights shone from lightshades that hung on the wall pillars with arcade slot machines placed sporadically around the room. It was warm and inviting.

James wore a white buttoned Ben Sherman shirt with blue jeans, with a glittery green leprechaun party hat. Marco sported a v-neck black t shirt, black jeans and a wide brimmed Musketeer hat with a plethora of feathers in it. A gift to him from Orla, who grinned with glee as she watched him wear it proudly.

"Alright, Cathy, you and Tony do the honours now." Mary said.

"Happy 18th Birthday lads!" Cathy and Tony proudly proclaimed, hoisting their glasses up.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" The others cheered, releasing a string of party poppers that exploded into the air, falling on top on them. James beamed a wide smile, with Marco smiling along with him. The girls were lined up alongside them.

"Come on now lads, one of you has to give a speech." Cathy cried. Laughing alongside Tony. The girls playfully egged the lads on. Gerry had taken the responsibility of filming the occasion.

"Go on James. You take it." Marco offered.

"No, you take it 'Co!" James insisted. The two friends laughed as they jostled back and forth for the other to do the honours.

"Ach, for Chirst sake, lads. One of ya do it already. Gerry's arm's getting tired!" Joe joked.

"No, James. You should do it! It's your actual birthday today!" Marco insisted. The girls began to coax him relentlessly.

"Aye, James, you do it... Go on James…. Get a fucking move on!" The girls urged.

"Oi, don't hassle 'im. Come on James, you're good with words." Erin said, flashing her eyebrows. Mary noticed that James blushed at her statement. He finally conceded as everyone quietened down.

"And don't say nothing from that creepy Doctor Whowhatsit, Dicko!" Michelle interrupted.

James huffed and rolled his eyes. With everyone now watching him. The wee English fella pondered what to say. "Uhhh….."

"Oh, that's a good start." Michelle shot.

"Shhhh!" Clare hissed.

James adjusted himself and spoke. "Well, first. I'd like to say Thank you to Mary for the Apple cake she's made. Thanks to Joe having the idea of coming here tonight….. But mostly, I wanna take a moment and say thanks to Mum, for everything…." He beamed a warm smile. "You were always there, in some way or another, thanks Mum. Love you always. ….." Cathy smiled bashfully as the other parents agreed. Michelle crooked her lips and rolled her eyes at the sentimental pish.

"Jesus, ya think he'd won an Oscar or something." Michelle whispered.

"Shut up, Michelle." Clare groaned.

"Alright, I won't drag this out….. But I'd love to thank everyone, because one way or another, you've all helped me. I don't know how I'd have coped without any of you…. I feel very lucky to be with the most amazing people. I couldn't ask for a better 18th, in a better place, with the best friends I could ever ask for. Erin, Orla, Clare…. Even Michelle's been alright." James shot. The group laughed at his quip.

"Oi! Mouthy English Prick!" Michelle shot back with a smirk. James smirked back.

"No honestly. Michelle's been brilliant, she's like the sister I never knew I needed….. And the same goes for Clare and Orla, love ya girls….." Making the pair gush happily. "And then…. there's my pillock of a best friend here with the Yankey Doodle hat." James joked. Tony laughed as Marco tilted his head. "But honestly…. sharing this with you, mate….. and you Tony." James then paused, the words catching in his throat.

The two friends clasped hands and embraced. James turned to look at the last person he wanted to thank. "But last but not least…. Erin."

"Oh, fuuuuuck a doodle doo." Michelle exhaled with a groan. "He better not pull a ring out his pocket." She shot.

"Oi." Deidre snapped at her.

James beamed a toothy grin as she took Erin's hand. The petite blonde couldn't help but smile a toothy grin as she awaited James' words.

"Erin, you are…."

"YOU'RE A BITTER WEE PRICK, JOE McCOOL!" A voice shouted.

Interrupting the wee English Fella. The entire group turned to see the petite battleaxe that was Maureen Malarkey strut into the room, flanked by the Bingo Wings quiz team members, and her grandniece, Mona and twin nephews Henry and Dominic.

"AND YOU'RE A CHEATING WEE BITCH, MALARKEY!" Joe shouted back.

"Sweet suffering Jesus!" Gerry groaned.

"It's not my fault yer shit at bingo!" Maureen taunted him.

"No one's shit at Bingo!" Joe shot back.

"Wouldn't be saying that, Joe. Given that you lose all the time." Gerry spoke quietly.

"Helps when ya have a fecking magic pen that makes the numbers disappear!" Joe shouted.

"Don't you bring my bingo pen into it! The only thing that disappeared was my fecking baking tray, thanks to you!" Maureen shouted.

"I didn't steal yer fecking tray!" Joe shouted.

"DADDY! Stop it!" Mary hissed. Seeing the attention being drawn to them.

"Yer looking well, Mrs Malarkey." Declan called. Attempting to keep the peace.

"Feck off ya wee poofter!" Maureen hissed.

"Oh, Charming!" Declan huffed.

"Oi! Don't you be saying that about our Deccy! Ya spiteful bitch!" Mary snapped back.

"Mam!" Mary snapped her head to see Erin gawking at her. Mary almost died of fright seeing the wains staring at them.

"Take it easy, Mary. Ya might go and hex Maureen Malarkey!" Geraldine panicked.

"Aye, I don't think we can handle another scandal." Sarah exclaimed worryingly.

"You what?" Tony asked confusingly.

"Oh aye. Apparently, Mary Quinn has a gift to hexing folk round here." Cathy said in a casual manner.

"Very much so." Deidre agreed, sipping her drink while Tony attempted to acknowledge this new information. "Mind you, it wouldn't be a bad thing if ya did, Mary. She's a vindictive one, that Maureen is. Go on! Hex the wee bitch! You'll feel grand after." Deidre joked.

"For the last time. I can't HEX people, Deidre!" Mary insisted.

"Alright, why don't we take our seats and just forget about it." Gerry suggested.

"There's a toilet seat back there you can take." Declan shot.

While the parents made their way to their designated table near the dance floor. James caught sight of Erin strop out of the room. He excused himself to go after her. Tony and Marco made their way to the bar to get a round of drinks while the girls sat down at a separate table near the games area.

"You alright there, Dad?" Marco asked. Smirking at the perplexed look on his Dad's face. Father and son began to chuckle together.

"Never a dull moment, is there?" Tony asked. They burst out laughing together. "….. Oi. Happy birthday. I just want to check…. You're happy with what you've done. Right?" Tony asked.

Marco nodded, acknowledging what he was talking about. Tony put his arm round Marco, embracing him. As they spoke on at the bar, out of sight of anyone. Orla swayed from left to right, beaming at her fella.

"Marco looks so sound in that hat. Does he not?" Orla grinned with a dreamy look.

"Yeah, you would say that, Orla. You got it for him!" Clare answered.

"But I don't understand, why did ya get that hat for 'im?" Michelle asked with a curious tone.

"I have my reasons." Orla said slowly, flashing a mischievous smile. Michelle smirked at her with her curiosity heightening.

"What reasons?" Michelle asked.

"Well, between us…. It makes him look like my favourte celebrity crush." Orla revealed. Sticking her tongue out as she grinned.

"Who?" Clare asked, intrigued herself.

"Can't say." Orla said, skipping away towards the parent's table. Leaving Michelle and Clare baffled.

James walked out of the social club to find Erin outside with her back to him, her arms crossed. She sniffed up her wee nose. Feeling embarrassed by the whole exchange with her parents and Maureen Malarkey. The breeze was cold and blew her blonde hair out of place. James came up from behind and wrapped his coat around her. Erin moved to grab his arm.

"You alright?" James asked.

"No. I was really buzzing to hear what you were gonna say to me, and that snarky old bitch had to come in and ruin it!" She sniffed.

"It doesn't matter….. I can say it to you now if you like?" James suggested, frowning at Erin's upset state.

"… Aye, OK." Erin conceded.

James turned her round to face him. "Erin. You…. mean everything to me. I don't think I could never put into words just how much you mean to me.… But I hope this helps…." James pulled out one of her poetry books from his coat inside pocket. James looked at Erin as he spoke a verse from the poem by W.B Yeats.

"While still I may, I write for you

The love I lived, the dream I knew.

From our birthday, until we die,

Is but the winking of an eye;

And we, our singing and our love,

What measurer Time has lit above….."

Erin felt herself flutter uncontrollably at the familiar feeling that stirred deep inside her. She knew that he knew it was her weakness, but she didn't care; Erin launched herself into her wee English fella. Their lips met and she made James tumble backwards. Coming out of their kiss, James smiled as he tasted the strawberry flavoured lipstick that was now smeared on his lips. Erin beamed a wide smile as she panted with hungry eyes.

"I think I need to go and have a word with Deccy." She said.

"What for?" James asked, grinning stupidly from the kiss.

"Can't tell ya…. Yet." Erin purred seductively.

Back inside the main room. Michelle tactically tugged down on her low-cut top, just as she turned to face a group of lads sitting nearby. She snarled with satisfaction as a multitude of wolf whistles came her way. Erin and James looked away with embarrassment as they rejoined them. Orla also rejoined them with a large plate of food, piled with cocktail sausages, Taytos and sandwiches.

"Oi! Enjoy the view from over there?!" Michelle called.

"Michelle, for God's sake! Have some control!" Clare groaned.

"Ooooh, that one's on the radar. Massive fucking ride!" Michelle proclaimed happily, practically salivating at the mouth.

"Sweet suffering Jesus!" Clare shot.

"Ach, what's wrong with you, Clare?" Michelle huffed. She then saw the worried look on her face. "…. Look, I'm sure Laurie's grand. She likely just missed her train."

"Well, ya know. She might have ended up on the wrong train and wound up in Dublin, or the train might have got lost in that Bermuda Triangle thingy!" Orla said while munching on a sandwich.

"How could a train from Belfast get lost in the Bermuda Triangle, Orla?!" Erin snorted.

"Aye. It's all the way down in the Specific ocean." Michelle pointed out. James and Marco shot a confused look at her.

"Atlantic ocean! The Bermuda Triangle is in the Atlantic Ocean! It's the biggest fecking ocean on the fecking planet" Clare cried, causing Orla to cover her ears.

"How'd it get lost in the Bermuda Triangle then?" Marco chimed in.

"Oh, don't you start!" Clare groaned.

"I'm sorry. I'm just joking. Come on Clare, have a drink." Marco slid a glass over.

"It's not like her, girls. I mean, something might have happened and I'm cacking myself, I keep thinking someone's gonna come through that door with some sort of news about a bomb going off or something." Clare started to shake.

"So, why don't you just call her parents' house?" Marco asked. Clare froze.

"…..Oh Aye! I could ya know! I…. I'll be just a minute!" Clare shot up in haste from her seat and made a beeline for the door.

"Oi! You two! Pack that in for fuck sake!" Michelle cried, seeing Erin and James pecking each other.

"What?" James protested. Erin sniggered and hid her face.

"I have a question." Orla spoke up. "Whereabouts in London did ya say you actually lived?" She asked the boys.

"Reigate." They both said.

"Oh grand… Where is that?" Orla asked, oblivious.

"South London, sort of near Wimbledon Common." James explained. Orla's jaw dropped. Her eyes were wide with shock. The group regarded the look on Orla's face.

"….Orla? Are ya there?" Marco asked, waving his hand in front of her.

"That's bit of a redundant question." Erin sniggered.

Orla could barely contain herself. "Hold on….. Do ya mean to say all this time, you lads lived near where The Wombles lived?!... Why did you never say so before?!"

"Well, you never asked before." James shot. Marco nodded along. Orla pondered her next question.

"Oh my God! She's got another question…." Erin frowned, half expecting something ludicrous.

"Did ya ever see one?" Orla dared to ask.

"See what?" James asked.

"A real life Womble!" Orla asked.

"And there it is!" Erin huffed.

"Well, just between us…." Marco went to say.

"No! We never saw any of The Wombles!" James interjected. Chuckling.

"Ye always have to spoil things, don't ya James?" Michelle groaned. "Boring English Prick!"

"Hold on, if we didn't see one, what was that thing we saw lurking round the park bins?" Marco showed the petite size of the mysterious animal with his hands.

"Well, this might be stab in the dark, Marco. But I'm guessing it was probably a hedgehog or something?" James replied, contorting his face comically.

"Oi, I know what I saw." Marco insisted. "And I'm saying it was Orinoco." Orla's face lit up.

"Well, if It was Orinoco, he must have been sleepwalking, cos he was walking around in the nude." James quipped.

"Jesus! You saw a womble in the nip?!" Michelle snorted, making Orla giggle.

"OK…. On THAT note. I'm gonna get us another drink. Same again?" Marco asked, taking his leave.

The group talked amongst themselves when they were soon joined by Mona Malarkey with Dominic and Henry flanking her. Mona was petite with short black hair, and a freckled face. Dominic and Henry were 'identical' twins. Dominic was tall and skinny, while the other was distinctly shorter.

"Christ! This must be where the mental cases sit, aye?" Mona smirked.

"Alright, Mona? You're looking well." Orla said, waving at her.

"Lot better than you are, McCool. Cracker dress, by the way." Mona shot sarcastically.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Erin snapped angrily. Defending Orla.

"We just had no idea the circus was in tonight." Mona smirked. Orla darted around with confusion. Henry chuckled along with Mona. Dominic looked embarrassed.

"So you've come for a job interview, have ya? Cos you sure look like fucking clowns." Michelle fired back.

"Clowns arrrre class. It has to be said." Orla smiled, unaffected.

"You trying to be funny there?" Henry snarled.

"I thought that was your job." Michelle shot.

"Shut yer bake, Mallon! If I wanted to talk to a slag, I'd pay her first!" Henry shot. Dominic groaned with embarrassment.

"What'd you fucking say you wee prick?!" Michelle shot out her seat and lunged for Henry who backtracked and hid behind Dominic, still goading Michelle.

"You are NOT gonna believe this, girls!" Clare stressed, walking back to the table.

"Ach, here she is… Derry's walking cack attack!" Mona laughed.

"Oi, Don't you call her that!" Erin shot. She stood up to Mona.

"How bout you step off Quinn!" Mona said arrogantly.

"Alright, everyone just calm down." James said.

"Piss off ya whiny limey prick!" Henry fired.

"Come on now, Henry. There's no need…." Dominic finally spoke.

"Shut up, Dom!" Henry snapped.

"OI! NO ONE CALLS JAMES A LIMEY PRICK! EXCEPT ME!" Michelle fired back.

"Jesus Christ girls! I was only away for 5 minutes. What have ye gone and got us into now?!" Clare shrieked.

"Jesus, you are an absolute mouth, Mona. No better than ya Gran over there!" Erin sneered.

"Ach, ye sound just as pathetic as that prick of a Granda of yours!" Mona shot.

"Ach, Mona." Dominic moaned.

"Don't you say a damn word against our Granda!" Orla cried. She snarled with wild eyes.

"GIRLS! CONTROL YOURSELVES!" The opposing groups turned and stopped as Sister Michael appeared. "And exactly what is going on here? As if I didn't know already." She groaned.

"Uhhhh, we were just going to invite the girls to play a game of Rings, Sister." Mona insisted, flashing a nervous smile at the Nun.

"Is that right?" She asked, knowingly.

"Aye, just a friendly game with my brother here, Sister." Henry added. The Nun raised a suspicious eyebrow at the short lad before walking off. The opposing sides were left staring each other down.

"Aye, like Henry said. How's about a wee game of Rings?" Mona asked, smirking.

"No thanks." Erin fired back.

"Ach, well we could always have a bike race, I heard that used to be Cathy Maguire's favourite sport!" Henry fired at James.

"WHOA JAMES!" Orla grabbed James and held him back. The wee English fella was incensed. The stubby fella continued to goad him as he hid behind the taller, lanky Dominic who appeared embarrassed.

"WHOOAAAAA! Fancy yerself, do ya English? So do yer wanna game with our Dom or not?" Henry goaded.

"You want a game with James? You've got one!" Michelle shot angrily.

"Michelle, what are you doing?!" James asked, his voice heightened.

"Cracker! £20 a game, Best of 10 aye?" Henry then asked.

"You're on!" Michelle agreed in haste.

"What the bloody cock is happening?!" James cried in despair.

"Stall the ball!" Clare cried. "We don't exactly have the means to cover such a venture, so maybe it's best we just…. Ye know, forget the whole thing?" Clare suggested.

Henry smirked. "What about the Aye Tye over there? We heard he's got a wee bit of money stashed away now!" The group froze.

"You got something to say to me?" Henry spun and froze to see Marco glaring at him. "I heard what you said about James' mum…. Why don't you say something about me? I dare you!" He said through gritted teeth, staring the mouthy lad down.

"Yer friend Michelle just said Yes to James playing Dominic at Rings. Best of 10, £20 a game. No backing out. Best get ya wee wallet ready. Share and share alike, aye?" Mona chuckled. She walked off laughing with Henry. Dominic looked as if he wanted to say something.

"DOM! GET YER ARSE OVER HERE!" Henry shouted. Dominic glanced at Michelle before walking off sheepishly.

James turned and looked at Michelle. "Right! What is Rings exactly?" He asked. The girls and Marco stared at her.

"Jesus, James! You are such a Dick sometimes!" Michelle grunted. Erin gawked.

Back on the other side of the room, the parents were settling themselves. Mary Quinn had been keeping a watchful eye on the wains as she placed the large Irish Apple Cake down. It sat in the middle of the table with a large gravy train filled with custard. Surrounded by a plate of sandwiches, mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. Modest but meaningful. She also made sure she brought her big bowl along, which was formerly Deidre's big bowl.

"I don't like the look of that." Deidre said to Mary. Her gaze looking over at the wains.

"Aye. That looked proper fly, so it did." Geraldine agreed.

"I agree with them, Mary. It is a wee bit odd….. Why would ya bring the big bowl just to put a bunch of Taytos in it? I mean, do they not sell Taytos in here?" Sarah remarked.

"Jesus wept!" Mary whispered under her breath. "Fancy giving us a hand, Cathy?!" She called.

"Aye, thanks ever so." She called back desperately, making a hasty getaway from Uncle Colm.

"Here ya go Mary. Ya can use my new big bowl." Deidre said, placing her new big bowl next to Mary's.

"That is a nice new big bowl ye have there, Deidre." Geraldine said, causing Mary to snap a look at her.

"Ach, thanks. I really like my new big bowl." Deidre proclaimed proudly.

"So, I see. I'd be proud of it too. I'd never give away that big bowl for no reason whatsoever." Mary stressed. She began opening a plethora of different flavoured Taytos and poured them into both big bowls, too furious with worrying about cross contamination.

"Might as well hand yer money over now Joe McCool!" Maureen started up again.

"In your dreams, Malarkey!" Joe shot back.

"So, what's the story Uncle Joe? Did ya ride her and never call her back or something?" Declan quipped.

"CATCH YOURSELF ON!" Mary and Sarah cried together.

"Hi Aunt Mary. Can I take some more food over to our table?" Orla asked, walking up to the mammies.

"Aye, fine love. Help yourself." Mary said.

"Ach, ye look a proper sight as always Orla love." Sarah proudly regarded her daughter in her yellow Easter frock.

"Thanks, Mammy." Orla smiled, carrying the big plate of food back with her. Tony came and stood amongst the mammies.

"Hmmmm, Nemmeno il più grande artista può catturare la bellezza di una figlia." He said elequently. "I'm sorry, what was that Tony?" Sarah asked, the mammies were all perplexed at what he said.

"Oh, sorry. It means…. Not even the greatest artist can capture a daughter's beauty." Tony translated.

The mammies melted. "Awww."

"Thank you Tony. I've not had a chance to say it to ya since you've been here, but your Marco's a grand lad, so he is. You must be so proud of him." Sarah replied.

"Thanks Sarah. Yeah, I am proud of him. So, what is the story with your Dad and that old bint over there?" Tony asked.

"Ahhhh, well you're best to and come sit down, Tony. I can tell ya a wee story about that." Uncle Colm motioned Tony to sit down. Colm began.

"Now the story goes…. Or so I'm told….. Joe and Jim over there were part of a pub quiz team with Maureen Malarkey… And one day, they said to me they said, that Maureen had accused Joe of stealing her baking tray….. and I remember thinking to myself I thought… Our Mary has quite the collection of baking trays… which I must say….. doesn't pale in comparison to the tea pot collection that Jackie Lynch from down the road has collaborated over the years….. Anyway, so Maureen proceeded to leave the quiz team in protest, along with the some of the smarter members…. And set up a rival quiz team, and for all terms and purposes… they've been kicking their arses ever since."

"I heard that!" Joe barked.

"But what's that got to do with Bingo?" Tony asked.

"Ach, well…. That is a completely different story altogether….. The story goes, so I'm told…. Not long after Maureen left the quiz team….. She came in one night, bold as brass….. welding this magic bingo pen, and well, from what I could gather, as our Joe was absolutely raging, so he was… let's just say Quiz night isn't the only thing she's been beating him at." Colm concluded.

"A magic bingo pen?" Tony quizzed.

"Changes the numbers. Joe swears by it!" Jim insisted. Tony stared at him in disbelief. Declan wasn't sure whether to laugh or not as he listened in. Seeing his Uncle Joe glare at Maureen Malarkey.

"Honestly, Uncle Joe. Why don't ya just go over there ask her out and be done with it?" He joked.

"Oi! You mind yerself! Ya cheeky wee git!" Joe shot.

"Ach, I'm only having a craic with ya. Come on, Uncle Joe, why don't we go have a game of Rings?" Declan suggested.

"Ahhh, maybe after, son." Joe nodded. "I have a wee bit of business to attend to first."

"Oh Aye, what's that?" Declan asked.

"I'm gonna bring that Malarkey woman down a peg or two. All I need to do is get my hands on that pen." Joe grumbled.

"Ach, catch yourself on Joe. How ye gonna get hold of that now? She clings to it like a rosary, she does." Jim admitted.

"And don't be looking at me, Joe. I want no part in this wee civil war." Gerry declared.

"We wouldn't ask you to piss on us if we was on fire, Gerry." Declan huffed.

"Bear with me, lads. I'll be right back." Joe said, getting up from his chair, not taking his eyes off Maureen Malarkey.

The parents glanced at each other, wondering what the wily man was concocting. Just then, Tubthumping- Chumbawamba played on the loudspeakers. Father Peter came bounding onto the platform stage wearing his pink sparkling jacket with a yellow and green tie. The crowd stared at the buffoonish young Priest who took the microphone to address the amassed gathering, jubilantly shimmying his shoulders.

"Alright then! Evening everybody!... And welcome to another action-packed night of Social Club Bingo!" He cried.

"Jesus wept! Did the man get dressed in the dark?" Mary joked.

"WOW! Seems as if we have a quite a number in here tonight! Which means, We will certainly have a grander, grand prize for the final game of MEGA BINGO!" Father Peter exclaimed down the microphone to no applause. "…Alright then! And, it just so happens that tonight, I have a very special guest to pull the balls out of the tumbler… please welcome….. drum roll please….. SISTER MICHAEL!" He cried happily.

There was a smutter of applause as Sister Michael walked out slowly out onto the platform stage, looking extremely disinterested.

"Sister Michael! Yer looking lovely this evening!" Father Peter said. "Is this a new outfit?" He tried to quip.

"Don't talk to me." She grumbled. Taking a seat at the bingo table.

"Awwww, Sister. Are ye not well?" Father Peter asked. Speaking into the microphone.

"I've got high blood pressure and water retention, do ye know what that gives yer?" She asked.

"Boiling water?" Gerry said quietly. Tony spluttered.

"Oh, a joke! I don't know Sister. What does high blood pressure and water retention give you?" Father Peter asked playfully.

"A short fucking fuse!" Sister Michael said blankly, staring daggers at him.

"That's grand!" Father Peter laughed nervously. "Well, you're still looking grand." He said.

"Really? Well, you look like a set of traffic lights, only dimmer." The Nun replied.

Father Peter chuckled past the quip. He turned to address the crowd. "Right then! Well, give us 5 more minutes folks and we'll be starting the bingo… any requests, Sister?" Father Peter asked.

"Yes, a large scotch…. PRONTO!" She said.

"Alright then! We'll be right back folks!" Father Peter said jubiliantly.

"Mary. Why's yer father coming back with the dog?" Gerry asked Mary. She turned to see Joe walking back over to the table with Coco Pops. A mischievous grin dawned on his face. Causing Mary to stare sternly at him.

"Daddy, what are you up to?" Mary asked.

"I'm not up to anything. Its cold outside, couldn't leave the wee fella floundering out there on his own." He said. Mary narrowed her eyes with suspicion.

The group sat amongst themselves as they watched Henry Malarkey watching a game of football on the TV. The sound was off but he was watching with intent. James then turned his attention to the small green Rings board which was hooked on the wall. The board has 13 hooks on it. A bunch of locals were having a game. Unknown to the wee English fella, Dominic Malarkey, as placid as he was, was the local champion of Rings. His brother was also notorious for goading people into playing Rings for money. This time, Michelle had been goaded in the heat of the moment. James stewed that she had allowed herself to be coaxed into accepting the wager of £20 a game. But more worrying, James had never played a game of Rings in his life.

"It doesn't look…. too difficult. Sort of like Darts, right?" James said, trying to sound optimistic.

"Aye, ya could say that, James." Clare tried to match his optimism.

"Oh yeah! Maybe he was born to play it. I mean he's already a massive Ring as it is!" Michelle quipped.

"I don't believe this Michelle!" Erin stressed. "You're the one who put James in this position!"

"Oh, so it's my fault, is it?"

"Well, to be fair, Erin does have a point, Michelle." Orla pointed out.

"There you go mate. Bit of Dutch courage for ya." Marco walked over with a glass of scotch of James.

"Is that not gonna impair his senses or something?" Clare asked.

"Would ya really notice?" Michelle quipped.

"James Maguire." Sister Michael suddenly appeared before them again. Making them freeze. "Am I right in hearing that you're about to play the Malarkey lad in a game of Rings?"

"Uh….. yes, Sister."

"Why is that? I never seen you play Rings before." Sister Michael pointed out.

"Well, I haven't, to be fair." James admitted.

"He got sucked in by that mouthy prick, Henry Malarkey, Sister!" Michelle grunted.

"You liar." Erin hissed with a whisper.

"Miss Mallon…. How did he do that, exactly?" Sister Michael asked James. "Marco, double scotch." She handed him her empty glass, Marco rolled his eyes and went back to the bar again. Orla frowned and waved as he walked off.

"He said some nasty things about James's mammy, Sister." Erin pointed out, rubbing James' shoulder.

"Sister Michael. Is there not anything ye can do?" Clare asked

"What exactly are you asking of me, Clare?"

"Well, not to put too fine a point on it…. I dunno, can ye not like throw down a blessing so James wins?" Erin asked.

"Oh aye! That'd be cracker!" Orla nodded happily.

"… Hmmmm, maybe there is something I can do….. Oh, Thank you, Marco." Sister Michael casually took the glass of scotch from him and downed it in one go.

Sister Michael then took a moment to reflect. She closed her eyes, seemingly in prayer. Michelle and Clare watched her with intrigue while Orla crossed herself. Erin began to smile as a bright light suddenly shone upon Sister Michael. James looked on in astonishment.

"Jesus, did someone turn on a lighthouse or something?" Marco groaned, shielding his eyes.

"Shut up Dickhead!" Michelle cried, waiting to see what was going to happen.

"Sister Michael! We're ready for Bingo now!" Father Peter called on the microphone.

"Sweet suffering Jehovah." Sister Michael grunted with irritation. "James. I will simply bestow this piece of knowledge on you.… Don't gamble! Because you never know where the cards are stacked. Excuse me." She walked off towards the stage, leaving the wains.

"Wise words." Orla agreed.

"OI, MAGUIRE!" Henry shouted, beckoning him over to the board. Mona smirked arrogantly.

"How many games did he say ye have to play?" Erin asked.

"Best of 10." James answered.

"Well, guess there's one thing that sums up your situation, James." Michelle concluded.

"What's that?" James asked.

"You're fucked!"

"He's fucked? If he's fucked, you're the one who fucked him, Michelle!" Clare snapped. She then paused, realizing what she just said.

"Again, how is it my fault?" Michelle asked.

"You're the one who took the bait!" Clare stressed. "And not only that, it means when James loses, Marco here is gonna have to settle the bet, given that everyone seems to know about his wee windfall."

"Thanks, Clare." Marco and James said together.

"Oi! You coming or what?" Henry shouted.

"Come on ballbag. Let's shut his mouth!" Michelle marched off.

"And how am I gonna do that, Michelle! I never played Rings!" James stressed again.

"Ach don't worry, James. I think you have a chance. Well, I mean, I reckon you'll probably lose, but not as bad as ya think." Orla said.

"Thanks Orla….. I think. At least someone's in my corner."

"You're welcome." Orla walked with Marco, who was thinking. Erin hooked James' arm and walked with him.

"I think Orla's right." Marco said.

"You what?" Erin asked.

"How can she be right?" James asked.

"Just play the game, James. What harm can it do?" Marco asked.

"Well, I could lose, Marco! I could also lose money that's not mine to lose in the first place!" James stressed.

"Oi, calm down….. Just play the game. Whatever happens. Happens." Marco said calmly.

"How are you so calm about this, Marco?" Erin asked, her eyes were bulging. Marco just smiled.

"Please tell me you've got an idea." James pleaded. Recognizing that old smile.

"Do ye have a plan, Bear?" Orla's eye lit up.

Marco winked. "Trust me."