The woman's name echoed round the office. The girls and James looked on in confusion at the tense stare down between the mammies and Mrs Sadhbh who smirked at the stunned foursome. The wains could feel the tension rising between them. Erin shuddered at the familiar sight of her Mam's cold stare, only thankful that it was locked on Mrs Sadhbh instead of her.
"What's going on here?" Clare whispered, flinching at the tension.
"I dunno…." Erin answered.
"Who's Shifty? Are they talking about Mrs Sadhbh?" James whispered.
"I think they all might know each other." Orla whispered back.
"They look like they're gonna kill each other!" Michelle huffed.
"Sweet suffering Jesus! I should have known!" Mary scowled as the woman strutted past them, she then stopped and regarded Sarah.
"... Alright there, Sarah, how's it been?" Shifty sneered coldly at Sarah, who shuddered at the teacher's presence.
"What in God's name are you doing here?!" Mary grimaced.
"This is Mrs Sadhbh, Aunt Mary. She's the bitchy teacher that's been bothering Erin." Orla spoke up, pointing towards her.
"Sadhbh? Mrs Sadhbh? YOU'RE Mrs Sadhbh?! Her name's not Sadhbh!" Mary exclaimed loudly, her voice cracking with anger.
"Huh, and I thought the Devlin's were a bunch of walking cack attacks." Shifty chuckled.
"I beg your pardon." Geraldine snapped.
"Hold on… Didn't our Declan say he was flat mates with a woman called Sadhbh?!" Mary asked Sarah in astonishment.
"He did, aye!" Sarah cried, her eyes shot wide open. "You're our Deccy's flat mate?!" She added.
"You impress me, Sarah. It normally takes you a week to catch up with the rest of us." Shifty snorted.
"Don't you start on her, Shifty!" Mary jeered.
"I'm sorry, but how in the name of suffering Jesus did you ever become a teacher?" Geraldine asked.
"Catch yourself on! If this woman's a teacher, I'm the fuckin' Virgin Mary!" Deidre huffed.
"What is this? Some sort of sick joke, Shifty?" Mary barked.
"Spare me the lecture, Mary! You all know exactly what this all is…. Even that cabbage of a sister of yours can see what this is!" Shifty snarled at Sarah with utter contempt.
"Don't you dare talk to her like that!" Mary raged.
"Leave my Mammy alone!" Orla cried out. Shifty snorted as Orla moved to stand at Sarah's side. Sarah McCool took her daughter's hand for support.
"It's alright, Orla love." Mary assured Orla, while Sarah stayed silent.
"Ach! They look like a little and large clone of the same fecking DICK!" Shifty shot.
"What did you call her?!" Erin hissed at Shifty. Shooting out of her seat.
"No, Erin. Don't you give her the satisfaction! This woman's nothing but a snake!" Mary hissed.
Shifty chuckled at Mary. "By Jesus, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it now?" She huffed, arrogantly glancing between Mary and Erin.
"You say one more word about my daughter, my sister, or my niece, and I swear to God….." Mary barked loudly, pointing her finger straight at Shifty. James moved to calm Mary down.
"Awww, how nice. The wee English prick protecting his girlfriend's mammy." Shifty mocked.
"Who the fuck is she, Mary?" Michelle barked angrily.
"I'll tell ya who she is!" Deidre spoke up. "She went to school with us when we were your age, and she makes a slapper look celibate.… Back in the day, her name wasn't Sadhbh….. it was McGuilicuty! 'Shifty' Siobhan McGuilicuty!"
Michelle and Clare shot a shell-shocked look at each other; they then looked towards the woman.
"What?!" Erin asked them, seeing their astonishing faces. Suddenly, Clare shot up from her seat.
"SWEET MERCIFUL JESUS! SHE'S THE ONE!" Clare proclaimed loudly.
"FUCK A DOODLE DOO!" Michelle cried, just as shocked.
"What, who is she?!" James asked.
"What's that girl of yours cacking herself over now?" Deirdre asked Geraldine.
"What are ye on about, Clare?" Geraldine asked.
"Mam! Me and Michelle found out earlier that someone called McGuilicuty put Mona Malarkey up to harassing Laurie!" Clare cried out in shock.
"What?!" Erin cried.
"You're joking?!" James added. Clare shook her head.
"That wee Malarkey mouth was the one making those calls to Laurie?" Geraldine asked, furrowing her brow with confusion.
"Aye it was….. You mean, YOU'RE the one who nearly made me lose my Laurie?!" Clare scolded at the teacher, utterly disgusted and enraged.
"Catch yourself on, Clare. There's no way it's the same person." Erin spoke unconvincingly.
"Lose her? I would have done the girl a grand favour. No doubts there!" The woman chuckled with no remorse.
Clare felt a cold shiver run down her spine. "You….. YOU HEARTLESS BIT-" She lunged forward only to be stopped by Erin and James. The woman sneered as she watched them restrain the wee lesbian.
"CALM DOWN, CLARE!" James cried out.
"Sort of understand my reasons for kicking her arse, don't ya now?" Erin remarked.
"Not the best time, Erin!" James answered, struggling to hold Clare back.
Mary glared at the teacher's arrogance. "For the love of God! You haven't changed a bit, have ye now, Shifty?!"
"What do ya expect, Mary? She always was a wee scheming bitch! Not to mention a reputation that'd make a hooker blush." Deidre added.
"Oooooooh! Served!" Michelle cried, pointing at Shifty.
"Fuck you, Deidre!" Sadhbh snapped angrily.
"OI! WHO THE FUCK YOU TALKING TO NOW?!" Michelle squared up to the woman, only for James to hold her back.
"Park your mouthy arse down, Mallon!" Shifty barked back. "I don't need to hear any pious crap from you or ya mammies here! Payback's a bitch, and I'm here to collect!" Shifty snapped.
"Payback? Payback for what?!" Mary asked.
"Ach, don't act like you don't know!... Sarah knows, don't ya now? All ye had to do was do what I told ya….. But ye couldn't do that, could ya now? No! Ye had to let ya sister and this lot stick their noses in! You were supposed to be MY best friend! You were supposed to look out for ME! But because of you, MY life got screwed up after what you lot did!" Shifty shouted bitterly.
"Surely you're not blaming Sarah for that wee stunt ya tried to pull years ago?!" Mary argued.
"Why? What did she do, Mam?" Erin asked.
"The Mr. McClafferty affair. That's what happened!" Mary declared.
"That wee prick of a man had it coming! Who cares if what I said was true or not!" Shifty cried out.
Sarah finally spoke up. "…. Mr McClafferty was not a prick! He was strict but fair. And he was a class teacher. You ruined the poor man's career, Siobhan. The poor critter never taught again after what you did!"
"Stall the ball! What the fuck's The Mr McClafferty affair?!" Michelle exclaimed.
Deidre snapped. "Language, Michelle!... Mr McClafferty was our auld History teacher. To be fair, he was a bit of a prick, but that's beside the point….. Shifty here seemed to think he had it in for her cos she was thick as shite at A-Level History… She even tried flirting with the man to try and get her mark up."
"Huh, trust me, my mark was the only thing I wanted HIM to get up!" Shifty proclaimed.
"Oh, is she talking about his…" Orla realized.
"Orla!" Clare cried, cutting her off.
"Do you mind?! Not in front of the wains!" Mary protested.
"What happened, Aunt Deidre?" James asked.
"Well, the gist of it is, after Mr McClafferty stuck Shifty in detention for the umpteenth time….. She decided to get revenge by making allegations about him being…. inappropriate towards her, shall we say." Deidre explained.
"That's disgusting!" Erin loathed. Clare nodded in agreement.
Mary chimed in. "Aye. At first, the school believed her. The poor man didn't know what hit him…. He got suspended from his job….. there was a massive investigation by the school board and the police! By Christ she was loving the havoc she was creating."
Geraldine then stepped in. "But then she tried to manipulative our Sarah with the whole business."
"Why? What did she do, Mammy?" Orla frowned. Sarah bit her lower lip.
Geraldine explained. "Well, love. At one time, Siobhan and your mammy were inseparable. Best of friends, they were. Or so we thought…."
Mary then spoke. "They were never friends. She was always leaching off our Sarah. But, when she started telling these lies about Mr McClafferty, Shifty knew she had to get someone to make her story stick. So, she turned to our Sarah to back her up." Erin shot Shifty a menacing glare.
"No way!" Michelle exclaimed.
"Aye. Always thought Sarah was easily lead." Deidre growled.
"She did, aye. She chose her moment well, coaxed her into the toilet when she heard Sarah bought herself a new pair of silver platform shoes." Mary started.
"Ach, the same ones ye wore to yer leaver's do, Mammy?" Orla asked, beaming.
"The very same, they're still in immaculate condition, as it happens." Sarah stated proudly.
"Aye. There are sooooo shiny!" Orla exclaimed, smiling.
"I tried to explain to Siobhan that her dainty ankles wouldn't be able to navigate such a high altitude. But that wasn't what she wanted to talk to me about….." Sarah frowned.
Mary went on. "No, it wasn't. Shifty started saying that she was worried the head nun would see through her lies, so she tried to get Sarah to back up her story. But thankfully, Sarah knew the truth. By the time we made it to the toilet, Shifty was shoving and pushing Sarah from the cubicle to the wall…. Shouting that she was meant to be her best friend, so she had to help her…. After we pulled her off, that's when we discovered the truth."
"Only trouble was, Shifty never knew when to keep her mouth shut. Right in the middle of her gloating, Sister Benedict walked in and heard the whole confession. After that….." Deidre stopped.
"What? What happened?" Erin asked with a peaking curiosity.
"What do ya think happened, ya great dose?! I got expelled, for fuck's sake! and it's all cos of that brainless DICK of an auntie of yours!" Shifty shouted.
"Didn't stop ya breaking her heart years later, did it now?" Deidre snapped back.
"What? How?" Orla asked.
Shifty then sported a menacing grin. "Aye, I did. Christ, but your ex, Diarmaid couldn't wait to see the back of you, Sarah! Look at the state of her! Looks like a model for a mortician! Seems fitting given he said it was like riding a corpse!" Shifty taunted.
"What she talking about?" Orla asked, but no one heard her.
"You mouthy bitch! It's not enough ya tried to rope Sarah into your wee scheme, but ya bring up that two timing shitebag all these years later?!" Mary snapped.
"I wouldn't exactly call this a wee scheme." James remarked.
"Shut up, Dicko!" Michelle snapped.
Shifty was relentless. "That man was like an auld clock toy before I wound him up good and proper, and started his motor!" Shifty chuckled.
"Aye, and then ya dumped him 2 seconds later!" Mary sniped.
"Aye, well, he was no Saint, was he now, Sarah? And auld clock toys don't last long either, if ye catch my drift." Shifty sneered.
Orla began to shake with irritation. Seeing her mammy's sad demeanour. Her head pulsed and her voice shrivelled. "OK…. OK, I am reeeeally starting to have enough of you, Mrs Sadhbh…."
Everyone turned to watch Orla take a few steps towards the teacher.
"I've heard ya say all this SHIT about my cousin, my family, my friends, my dancing, and even Marco…. But I'm gonna tell ya for the last time to LEAVE MY MAMMY ALONE! DO YA HEAR ME?!" Orla shouted; her body shook with rage.
"It's alright. Calm down, Orla love. Calm down." Sarah held her daughter's shaking hand.
"This is NO way for a teacher to act!" Geraldine shrieked, as Shifty sniggered.
"Aye, that's right, Mammy! You know you can seriously lose your job on the grounds of improper conduct for behaviour like this." Clare added.
Mrs Sadhbh began to cackle. "Oh if ye only knew….!" Her joyous laugh resonated around the room.
"What do you mean?" Erin asked, baffled at Shifty's jovial mood.
"What do I mean? Let me spell it out for ya….. I'M…. NOT….. A….. REAL… TEACHER!" Shifty Sadhbh declared loud and proud.
The girls and James looked at each other, unable to fathom what they just heard.
"Say that again." James said.
"You're not….. a real teacher?" Erin repeated. Her eyes bulged in amazement.
"Nope…. never have been and never will be!" Shifty proclaimed proudly.
"I don't understand….." Orla shook her head.
"Wise up, girls. She's obviously been talking balls this whole time!" Michelle interjected.
Shifty laughed arrogantly. "That I have. I've made an entire 'career' out of talking balls….." She exclaimed proudly. "Oh, I've played many roles over the years….. Student, Legal Secretary, Teacher, Careers Advisor….. UCAS referee….. I've been doing it for so long, it's got to the point where I don't even need to try." She beamed.
"Ye mean you're an actress?" Orla asked.
"Catch yourself on, Orla! She's not an actress. She's a con artist!" Erin pointed.
"Exactly." Shifty laughed.
"But how have ye managed to get away with it for all this time?" Geraldine asked.
The woman huffed. "Well, since you asked. At first, it was a means to an end… A lie here, a lie there. A wee deception here and there. And then I discovered my forte….. If you can't be one, just pretend to be one. It's easy when you put your mind to it….. Plus, I've always had an ability to lure men with a minimum of fuss…. So, I decided to put it to good use. It's amazing how easily men can turn to putty in your hands when ye tease them a wee bit…. Just ask Sarah's ex, or that creep Father Peter….. I can't say much about this clueless English prick here but given who he's attracted to….." She laughed, James gripped Erin's wrist, feeling her shift.
"You're a horrible person." Orla said sadly.
"Oi! He might be a clueless English prick…." Michelle started.
"But he's OUR clueless English prick." Clare added.
"Less of the clueless part, girls." Erin said.
"…. Thanks, Erin." James said, with a puzzled expression.
"How dare you say such a thing about James! He's a lovely, respectful boy who's been a gem to our Erin, and I'm proud to say he's one of our own!" Mary barked, defending James.
"Aye, and the same for Marco." Sarah added.
Shifty burst into laughter. "What, the kitchen boy?! Well, I can't say much for that scrubber, but this one certainly didn't inherit his Ma's 'loose morals' isn't that right, Deidre?"
"You mind your mouth, Shifty!" Deidre warned.
Shifty huffed, undeterred. "I knew this lad was as wet as the river foyle. Especially when he squirmed at that wee birthday card I left in his locker. Practically offered heaven to 'im on a silver platter earlier on, but he was soooo gallant, so loyal to his girlfriend, such a gentleman…. How pathetically English! But it was worth it, just to get under the skin his deluded, narcissist girlfriend." She sneered.
Erin felt her chest boil over with anger. "You….!" James then stopped her. "…..so, it was you! You wrote that dirty card to James!" Erin exclaimed, Shifty smirked proudly at her.
Mary took a stand. "Right, that's it, Shifty! I've had enough of this! You've gone on and on about doing all these things to our wains….. But why? WHY are ye doing all this? If ye wanted revenge you should have just come and found us. Your bother is with us, not our wains!"
Shifty huffed. "That's where you're wrong, Mary. The amount of money I've conned out of every school and business I've ever 'worked' for over the years…. I'm almost set for life... But there was one wee itch I just had to scratch before I called it a day."
"Huh, with your reputation, I'm surprised things aren't falling off ya." Deidre shot.
Shifty scowled at the comment. "And I thought to myself, what better way to bow out…. Then to take all those years you spent dragging these wee scrags up, and throw them back in your face, and getting paid for it at the same time!" Shifty revealed. The mammies stood shocked and angered.
"You can't do that! Mammy, she can't do that!" Clare panicked.
Shifty snorted as she strutted around the room. "I already have… Ya see, teachers have contractual terms that protect them from all kinds of uninvited advances, whether it's some horny creep priest making a pass at ya, or a student compromising my safety?... With the right scenario and the right person, I just play the innocent victim, and then I sit back till the school are desperate enough to settle things, just so I keep things quiet." Shifty chuckled. "I must admit, I've truly enjoyed toying with this band of eejits… I knew that if I kept pressing, I'd get one of them to crack!" Smirking at Erin, who shook her head in disbelief.
"Ya didn't try anything on with me, did ya now?" Michelle mentioned, glaring back at the fake teacher.
"No, but why waste my time when you're likely to do it yourself. Guess it runs in the family, aye?" Shifty glanced at Deidre. Michelle felt like she going to explode.
"You… Fuckin'!" Deidre cried out, but Mary stopped her.
"Aye! Go ahead. Add more fuel to the fire." Shifty taunted arrogantly.
"This really sounds like something out of a James Bond film!" James proclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief.
"It does, aye." Orla agreed.
"But Siobhan, you've revealed everything to us. And I'm pretty sure the narrative is the same in all those James Bond films. Aye?" Sarah then said.
"WHAT?!" Shifty narrowed her eyes with confusion. Everyone turned to look at Sarah with the same confusion.
"What are ye talking about, Aunt Sarah?" Erin stressed.
"Well, once the villain reveals their intentions, it always falls apart. The solution is simple. We'll just tell Sister Michael when she gets back…. I mean for someone who meant to be playing the part of an educated person, you sound like a bit of a dose if you think you're gonna get away with this, Siobhan." Sarah explained innocently.
"This isn't fucking James Bond, Aunt Sarah! This is MY future we're talking about….. I mean OUR futures." Erin quickly corrected herself, seeing Mary glare at her.
"Mighty considerate of ye, Erin!" Michelle shot sarcastically.
Shifty chuckled. "By Christ, McCool thinks she's grown a brain cell now? You think that fat dose Sister Michael wants any bother from all this? No….. she's going to crumble like the rest of them… the school doesn't want any bad publicity, especially after that whole O'Driscoll business….. They'll pay me out to keep my mouth shut."
"Pity your legs never did." Deidre shot.
Shifty scowled. "And while that's happening, I'll be sending a wee letter of recommendation to UCAS so every university in the British Isles doesn't touch your girls with a 20-foot barge pole!" The woman declared menacingly to the mammies.
"Ye can't do that!" Mary argued.
"Oh, I can, and I will. So, thank Erin here for fucking up your futures, girls….. There's not a damn thing your mammies can do to save yer arses this time….. As far as UCAS goes, my word is greater than Jesus!... Only wish Sister Michael would hurry and get her peg leg arse back here so I can watch you squirm." Shifty smirked.
"Mrs Sadhbh, Shifty, Miss McGuilicuty….. Can ye not….." Clare sounded as if she was pleading.
"Awwwww. Don't fret girls, I'm sure Mary here can get ye jobs stacking shelves at Woolworths for the rest of ya lives!" Shifty gloated as she sat down at Sister Michael's desk.
"Oh God! Sweet merciful God! It's over! It all over this time! The whole point of everything…." Clare shrieked.
"Oh! Thanks a bunch, Erin!" Michelle shot.
"Oi, don't blame Erin! She didn't know this was gonna happen." James defended her.
"Well, no one forced her to attack Mrs Sadhbh, did they now, James?!" Clare argued.
"Girls, calm down!" Mary ordered.
Her words fell on deaf ears as the group bickered amongst themselves while Orla covered her ears. Their shouting match added to the realisation that Siobhan McGuilicuty had them snookered. There was truly no way out of the woman's devious plan.
Suddenly….
The office door creaked open eerily. The mammies and girls turned as Sister Michael stood in the doorway with Miss Mooney and Father Peter behind her. The Sister's eyes narrowed on the group, who felt their stomachs turn.
"Forgive me, ladies. I was…. Preoccupied." Sister Michael hobbled into the office on her crutches.
She lowered herself into her chair with relief while Shifty savoured the tension in the room. Father Peter stood awkwardly as she snorted at him. Shifty sauntered round to make eye contact with each of the mammies, arrogance oozing from her face, and she turned to Sister Michael.
"Wait, Sister Michael…..!" Erin said desperately.
"There's something you really need to know, Sister!" Mary interjected, but the girls and mammies burst into a flurry of words, trying to desperately tell her what the 'teacher' had just told them, the sound was inaudible.
"EVERYONE SIT DOWN!" Sister Michael's bellowing voice silenced everyone. The girls groaned in defeat at the injustice as they sat helplessly to the side of the main desk. The end seemed imminent. The mammies were baffled that Sister Michael wouldn't hear them out. They sat with their hearts in their throats, awaiting the inevitable.
'Mrs Sadhbh' smirked as she began to speak. "Well, Sister….. I'm sure you understand the gravity of the situation, and the terms of my contract…. And rest assured, I am more than ready to take things to the school board…. AND the Diocese if need be. However, if you wish to settle this matter quietly, I would be more than willing to consider it, if you catch my drift?"
"Yes….. Well, if that's the case, I see no need to drag this out." Sister Michael said in a casual tone.
"What?" Erin panicked. She felt she was going to be sick. The group were gobsmacked.
"Sister Michael, what are ye saying?!" Mary cried, shocked and appalled.
Shifty beamed. "I'm glad to know that you've seen reason, Sister." Smirking at Mary.
"Indeed….. There is, however, just one thing or two I just need to clarify, if you don't mind, Mrs Sadhbh." Sister Michael said.
The woman rolled her eyes. "Very well, Sister." She sighed.
Sister Michael tilted herself back in her chair. Shifty narrowed her eyes as the nun pondered for a moment while Miss Mooney and Father Peter stood beside her.
"Let's see, where should I begin, Miss Mooney?" Sister Michael asked the secretary.
"Well, Sister. You could start with questioning her inappropriate behaviour towards James Maguire in the computer room?" Miss Mooney asked.
"….. What was that?" Shifty asked, puzzled.
"Or should we ask about the inappropriate material in the birthday card?" Father Peter asked. Shifty darted her eyes towards the Priest.
"Or maybe the act of soliciting to deliberately and incessantly harass an innocent person based on their sexuality, which would be classed as an act of prejudice, wouldn't it?" Sister Michael added.
"Or… threatening a member of staff with a false accusation of sexual harassment?" Father Peter said.
"No, I doubt the school board would believe that." Sister Michael shot.
"Excuse me, what is happening here?" Shifty began to get more agitated.
"Or the illegal act of deceit in masquerading as a teacher?" Miss Mooney asked.
"What is going on here?" Erin asked.
"But…. Maybe we can just start with the fact that 'Mrs Sadhbh', if that IS your real name, must think we are THE most gullible bunch of fecking eejits this side of the Irish border?!" Sister Michael's cold, stern yell shook Shifty to her very core.
The girls and James sat with their jaws and eyes wide open. They had never seen Sister Michael so livid. The mammies mirrored the wains' expressions as they glanced at each other in astonishment, they shifted their chairs closer, growing more intrigued with where this was going. Erin felt a glimpse of hope shining through.
Shifty McGuilicuty looked off. Her brain was frozen as she searched for a response, but nothing came. "Uh… Wh…. I'm….. not sure I…" Her voice cracked under pressure.
"You know, I think Ms McCool made a point, for someone who's meant to be an educator, you don't seem very bright." Sister Michael sniped at the 'teacher'.
"Awww, thank you, Sister." Sarah said.
"Aye, ye might wanna think about wising up, Mrs Sadhbh." Orla said.
"I…. I have no idea what you're talking about!" The 'teacher' sniped back.
"I think Sister Michael is saying that; A lie is a mere sprint, while the truth is like a marathon." Father Peter proclaimed philosophically.
"What is THAT supposed to mean?!" Shifty demanded.
"Hmmm, yet I doubt you'd finish either one of them." Sister Michael shot at the priest.
"Also, they're called Snickers these days, Father." Orla pointed out.
"For the love of God, Orla. Not now." Erin whispered desperately.
Shifty regained her composure. "Sister Michael, I don't know what you're getting at…. But I think we're drifting off the point here….. I have been physically assaulted by a student, which is contrary to the terms of my contract, which I have…"
"YOUR CONTRACT… is null and void, Mrs Sadhbh. Or is it Siobhan McGuilicuty, or just plain Shifty? I understand you said you've 'played a few roles' in your time?" Sister Michael revealed.
Shifty's arrogance drained from her face. "… H….. Wah….. How did you….?….. I mean…. I don't know what you're talking about." She repeated, her voice cracking again with desperation.
"Jesus, she's starting to lose the absolute run of herself." Erin whispered as a smile began to spread across her face.
"How did she know all this?" Mary whispered to the mammies; their curiosity piqued.
Shifty desperately tried to regain control of the narrative. "Oh, I see what this is. You're making things up and praying that they stick, aren't ye now? Well, if ye don't mind me saying, I find that quite childish, Sister Michael. I'm sorry to burst your wee bubble, but the Diocese won't stand for mere childish elaborations! If you wish to take this further Sister, I'll be happier to watch you squirm and watch your career…. Go up in….. smoke?" Shifty's tirade drifted off as Sister Michael slid her office telephone towards the centre of the desk. The loudspeaker button shone a bright red light.
Sister Michael nonchalantly rested her chin in her hand, glancing between the telephone and the woman's bewildered look. "You're right. The Diocese won't stand for childish elaborations, but I'm pretty sure their ears will prick up when they find out we're dealing with a case of deceit, and identity fraud from a conniving con artist. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Mooney?"
"Sister Michael said Prick." Michelle sniggered.
"Very much so, Sister." Miss Mooney agreed.
"Aye, and there's no denying it, Siobhan. Everyone in this room heard ye say it." Sarah spoke up.
"Well….. not just the people in this room…. More like the whole school heard her." Everyone turned to see Marco standing in the doorway.
"What….?!" Shifty asked in a panicked voice.
"Say that again?" James asked.
"Are ye serious?!" Erin asked.
"FUCK A DOODLE DOO!" Michelle exclaimed.
"What's that now, Marco?" Sister Michael asked puzzlingly. Marco came closer into the office.
"Well, I'm not sure how, but I think we might have accidently pressed something which sort of broadcast the whole conversation through the entire school?" Marco explained, shrugging his shoulders. Sister Michael and Shifty stared each other down as they took the news in.
"….Well…. Que sera sera." The nun simply shrugged. Shifty's rage began to boil.
"Kiss her on the what now, Sister?" Michelle asked.
"It's French, Michelle." Clare huffed.
"Whatever will be, will be." Erin groaned.
The tension in the office was palpable as the gravity of the reality of the situation now hit Shifty McGuilicuty like a tidal wave. Sister Michael sighted Shifty's face which had turned from white to a pale green. The mammies regarded the shift in Shifty's demeanour.
"Are ye not feeling well, Siobhan? Ye look like ye might need a doctor." Deidre asked, her tone heavy with sarcasm.
"Having a wee flashback are ye, Shifty?" Mary goaded. Shifty couldn't muster a response.
"I must say ye look like something not even an Undertaker would touch with a 20-foot barge pole." Sarah added.
"SHUT YA FUCKING HOLES YA…" Shifty exploded into a rage. She lunged towards the mammies but was stopped when the whole group stepped in her way, forming a wall.
"You're not hurting my Mammy again! I won't let yer!" Orla shook with rage.
"It's alright, Orla. She won't." Marco assured her, his hands resting on her shoulders.
"Alright, everyone calm down. Please, everyone sit down." Father Peter motioned.
"Was there anything else, Marco?" Sister Michael asked knowingly.
"Actually, there was something else….." Marco added. "There's some people outside that said they really want to talk to The Shifty Shadow 'ere."
"Should I bring them in, Sister?" Miss Mooney asked.
"Aye. Show them in." Sister Michael ordered.
Miss Mooney left the office and promptly returned, followed by none other than Chief Constable Byers and Officer Jenkins.
"Good afternoon, Sister Michael. Good afternoon, ladies….. Hello Sarah." Byers smiled at her as he caught her gaze.
"Ach, how goes it, Michael? You're looking very well." Sarah replied, her cheeks flushing.
James and Marco flashed a suspicious look at each other. "Michael Byers?" They both mouthed.
"Oh, Chief Constable Byers. What a strange coincidence that you would be here at this specific moment." Sister Michael said teasingly.
"Yes, a coincidence." The man replied ironically, glancing at Marco before turning his gaze towards Shifty.
"What is this?... WHAT IS THIS?!" Shifty cried in a panic. Chief Byers stepped forward.
"I was going to ask you the same thing, madam. Especially when I stood out there, I couldn't help but overhear something about a history of identity fraud and acquiring money through acts of perjury?" Byers answered.
"I deny everything!" Shifty cried desperately.
Byers raised an eyebrow. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out his own Dictaphone. He played back an audio recording of Shifty revealing her deceit. The colour drained from her face again.
"They're actually quite handy these Dictaphones are. Thank you for the suggestion, Miss McCool." Byers smiled at Orla, who smiled proudly back at him.
"I…. How….." Shifty looked as if she about to boke.
"I think I'll be able to answer all your questions in a more….. official setting. If you care to follow me to the car, Miss Siobhan McGuilicuty? We can do this…. Quietly, as you prefer." Byers suggested.
Shifty gawked with horror. She glanced a wide-eyed stare at Sister Michael who simply shot a crooked smile at her.
"You….. YOU SET ME UP!" Shifty shouted, she went to move but Officer Jenkins took her wrists. The girls and mammies felt a euphoric wave rush over them as Officer Jenkins placed the handcuffs on her, as she wailed helplessly.
"No… No… This isn't happening… This can't be happening again!... I'm dreaming….. this is all just a dream…. Someone slap me…. WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SLAP ME?!" Shifty cried out in a panic.
"Well, I'd be performing a public service." Michelle shrugged as she loosened her arm.
"Miss Mallon, that is not necessary!" Sister Michael snapped. "You should ask first to make sure."
"Can I do it, Sister Michael?" Orla asked, bouncing with excitement.
"Huh! Get in line!" Erin pushed in front of her.
"Uh, me first!" Clare insisted. Shooting out of her seat.
"I'll have some of that too." Deidre agreed.
"That won't be necessary, ladies!" Chief Byers decreed.
"Will someone please slap me so I can wake up from this FECKING KNIGHTMARE!" Shifty screamed.
"Well, if ye insist." Sarah walked over to Shifty and slapped the hysteric woman straight across the face. The audible smack, along with the bewildered cries echoed round the office. Shifty's cheek went red instantly, rattling her, she felt her legs go numb.
"Ach, ye seem to be a lot calmer now, Siobhan." Sarah said cheerfully.
Sister Michael sat stunned. "… Right. Chief Byers, escort….. this woman out. Father Peter and Miss Mooney will come to make sure she's off the school grounds."
"I think that would be wise." Chief Byers lead the entourage, along with the dazed Shifty McGuilicuty out of the office. The mammies and the group watched on in awe.
"Jesus, Mary and Joesph." Mary sighed heavily.
"Are ye alright, Mammy?" Orla asked Sarah.
"Aye, I'm fine love. Didn't even break a nail." Sarah said happily.
"Michael Byers?" James repeated.
"I have to admit. He does look a bit like him as well." Marco agreed.
"Who?" Orla asked.
"You know, Michael Myers, the big fella in the mask in that film, Halloween." Marco said.
"Shut up Dickos!" Michelle shot.
"What do ya reckon s'gonna happen to Shifty, Sister?" Mary asked, approaching the desk.
"Well, I hardly doubt she'll be here for the staff Christmas party, Mrs Quinn." Sister Michael replied sarcastically.
"That was a sly move you made, Sister. Eavesdropping on her like that." Deidre said.
"Come to think of it, I was wondering why you took so long coming back." Geraldine added.
"There is one thing that puzzles me, Sister…." Sarah said.
"One thing?" Deidre shot quietly.
"What did all this have to do with you calling us down to the school?" Sarah asked.
"That's actually a good question." Mary added. Everyone turned to Sister Michael.
Sister Michael spoke. "Well, when Father Peter came to me this morning to inform me that…. The Shifty Shadow, shall we say, made a threat of making a sexual harassment complaint against him, I was reminded of the Mr McClafferty affair which occurred MANY years ago…."
"Wasn't THAT long ago." Mary muttered.
And given that you ladies played a part in exposing the truth…. I thought it would be wise to have a few independent witnesses on hand, especially when she tried to force my hand in releasing her from her contract with full pay. Christ that woman's contract had more holes than a bag of hula hoops."
"But how did you find out she was a fraud, Sister?" Geraldine asked.
"I didn't Mrs Devlin, But then I remembered the drive back from Belfast last night where myself and Mr Galluci here engaged in a wee debate over which mafia film was best. He mentioned a scene in Casino where the whole scam gets exposed when the FBI wire tap the mobsters, so after dealing with her this morning, I thought it would be wise to just sit back and see whether she would be stupid enough to hang herself. Luckily, she was." Sister Michael explained.
"Well, it was a smart plan, so it was, Sister." Mary nodded.
"Jesus. She was truly hoisted by her own petard!" Erin proclaimed smugly.
"Indeed…." Sister Michael narrowed her eyes.
"Can we just ask you one more thing, Sister?" Clare asked worryingly.
"Christ!" The Nun huffed, rolling her eyes again. "What is it, Clare?"
"Well, we just wanted to clarify really, there isn't going to be any repercussions in our UCAS applications is there?" Clare asked nervously.
"Oh my God! Catch yourself on Clare! She wasn't a real teacher! She was talking balls, remember?" Michelle groaned.
"Exactly. She's also NOT the official UCAS referee for the school. That's MY job, Clare." Sister Michael revealed.
"Oh, well, that's grand! We're fucked anyway!" Michelle cried.
"Language, Michelle!" Deidre snapped.
"You're the UCAS referee?" Erin asked.
"Of course I am. I always have been. How else do you think I was able to get Marco here into his chef apprenticeship program so easily, Miss Quinn?" Sister Michael asked her.
Erin attempted to give a retort. "Well…. I thought it was…." She stumbled.
Sister Michael huffed in annoyance. "Miss Quinn, let me put it like this… Sometimes in life, it's not about what you know, it comes down to who you know. It just so happens that you five…. Or Six I should say, have the upmost fortune of knowing Me…. I could have taken the easy route many times before, and simply kicked you all out, or chose NOT to help you, but I didn't….. Trust me it was tempting on MANY occasions….. In the world outside this school, you will all find that there are people like THAT woman who WILL try to tempt you, manipulate you, eat you up and spit you out! And they won't think twice about it." She warned.
"Aye. Couldn't have said it better myself, Sister." Mary agreed.
"So, what do we take away from THIS? What have learned?" Michelle asked.
"The one thing I hope you take away from this whole business, Miss Mallon. Is that you will be cautious once outside the confines of this school and make wise choices. But if you screw up, own it! Take responsibility! Don't point fingers at other people if things do not go your way." Sister Michael said sternly.
"Wise words, Sister." Deidre nodded, glancing at Michelle.
"Precisely, wise choices do NOT include 'raving' and getting drunk and doing drugs in a Belfast university bar." Sister Michael said suddenly. The group of six looked very worried all the sudden.
"What was that, Sister?" Mary asked.
"What?" The Nun asked.
"Something about our wains in a Belfast nightclub?!" Mary cried.
"Sweet suffering Jesus!" Geraldine panicked.
"What have you wee feckers been up to?" Deidre shot at the group.
"Oh…. My apologies. I forgot to say hypothetically." Sister Michael said.
"Oh…. Hypothetically." Mary repeated.
While the mammies glanced suspiciously at each other. It slowly dawned on the group just how instrumental Sister Michael had truly been, not just in their school careers, but also Marco's redemption. Thinking back to all their shenanigans over the years, and how they could have easily been expelled for some of them. But unlike Shifty McGuilicuty, Sister Michael never pulled the trigger. Erin felt something stir within her, was it pride? Was it thanks? Whatever it was, she felt the urge to say something.
"Well, Sister Michael, I would just like to say, speaking on behalf of myself the rest of us, that we truuuuly appreciate everything you've ever done for us!"
"What's she doing?" Sister Michael ooked puzzled.
Erin went on. "I admit that we might have done a few things in the past that could have easily got us kicked out of school, but YOU…." Erin jubilantly pointed towards the nun. "You never lost faith in us. And I praaaarmise you….. we will not let you down."
"Seriously, what is she doing?" Michelle whispered.
"I haven't the faintest." Clare whispered.
Erin voice rose with passion. "I promise you that when the time comes, and we leave this school to venture out into the bigger world….. We will never forget the faith you showed in us. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we will try to be a credit to you, Sister Michael!"
"Jesus, someone get her some knee pads." Michelle rolled her eyes.
"Do you guys see what I see?" Orla asked, pointing to the desk.
"Erin….." James tried to get our attention.
"We will be beacons! We will be legends! We will be icons!"
"Erin…..!" Marco raised his voice.
"Future generations will come through this school, and they will see our pictures up on the wall and we will be a shining example to them, just like Sister Michael was to us."
"ERIN?!" Everyone shouted.
"WHAT? I'm just trying to thank Sister Michael." She explained.
"It sounds like you're trying to kiss her hole!" Michelle shot.
"And also, We're trying to tell you the loudspeaker on the phone is still switched on." James groaned.
Erin felt a shiver shoot down her spine and down to her legs as she spun round seeing that the red light was still shining on the office telephone signalling that the whole school had heard everything she just said.
"Oh Shiiiiiiiit!" Erin groaned.