Ryan told Anicka that she must learn to be patient. "Listen," he told her, "You need to realize this is going to take some time. The Yellowstone isn't like other ranches. I'd like to tell you I can get to the records of the ranch's history, but I can't. I want to help but for now I'd only be telling you what you want to hear. I love you Amy and I'd do anything I can for you, but my hands are tied."

"I love you," oh god, the very words she didn't want to hear. If anyone was worthy of being loved it would be Ryan, but she still had nightmares about her ex-husband coming towards her with his fist raised. That's what love had gotten her.

Ryan was looking at her, waiting for her reply. "Ryan, I wish I could say I love you but I can't. I care about you, you make me feel safe, you're the sweetest man I've ever met. But love, to me right now is just a four-letter word."

"So, you don't love me?" he asked and the sorrowful expression on his face made her want to cry.

"I don't know, I don't even really know you. If it weren't for my ex, maybe I could say it." she began, but knew it wasn't the whole story. Things in her life had taken a strange turn.

"Too much has happened to me, Ryan, there's a lot of water under the bridge. It's going to take a long time before I can love someone. I have too many bad memories."

She had started thinking about Kayce. It was common knowledge that he loved his wife, but in the few moments she had spent alone with him she could feel an energy passing between the two of them. It was a look, a smile, the way he'd put his arm around her shoulders. There was something between them, but nothing would ever come of it.

It happened one afternoon while she was working in the barn. She'd cleaned tack and put it away and was measuring out mash for the horses. She was halfway through when she heard him ride into the barn way too fast. He knew better and she wondered why he would be so careless.

He put his horse in the stall with its saddle still on, then punched the wall of the stall, hard. She stood outside the door, knowing that something was wrong, but not knowing what it was or what to do.

Then, he saw her, and in three strides was at her side. He took her into his arms in a rough embrace, his lips coming down hard on hers, leaving her breathless.

They stumbled into an empty stall, and he pushed her down onto the fragrant straw. He pulled her shirt off, his hands finding her breasts and putting his mouth on them before he pushed her jeans and underwear down past her knees.

Kayce, are you sure you want to do this? she thought, what's wrong, did you have a fight with Monica? This isn't you, but it was enough of him as he unbuttoned his jeans and bent her over a hay bale. And then it was too late.

His lovemaking was rough, there was no tenderness in it, but unfulfilled desire drove them. Her body responded to his and for her it was over too soon.

He stood up and fastened his jeans, then rearranged his clothes. "I'm sorry," he told her as he helped her to her feet.

"No, don't be sorry," she told him, "If you're sorry then I'll regret this and I don't want to, but I'd like to know why."

"I had a nasty fight with Monica, we don't fight very often. My blood was hot, and my temper was high and when I saw you all I could think about was taking out how I felt on you just because you were there. You're Ryan's girl and now I feel bad about that."

Okay, now I get it she thought. "Don't be guilty, Kayce. I like Ryan, I do, and I appreciate all the things he does for me but I'm not in love with him. You don't know what it's like for a battered woman, it's changed me and not for the better."

"I remember what it was like after my ex hit me, lying on the floor, my head hurting, terrified that he'd try to make me have sex with him. There's so much I've forgotten but I remember that. I promised myself that no one would ever do that to me again, but something else happened, I lost my ability to love. If Ryan can be patient maybe we can make it work, but he told me he loved me and I'm not ready to hear it."

"That must be hard for you," Kayce said, and she nodded.

"Yes, it is. First I lost my father, then my brother disappeared." God, I hope it's not a mistake to tell him this, she thought, but decided to take the risk, "I was pregnant, and I was going to tell him. I don't know what happened that pissed him off. After that I couldn't bear the thought of having his baby, so I had the pregnancy terminated."

"Oh," he said, "I'm so sorry."

"Thank you, I guess, but I couldn't stand the thought of having his baby. I was so happy, you know, but after he hit me everything changed. Things took a turn for the worse. My father died and then my brother disappeared. He wrote to Mom and told her he'd gotten a job at an outfit called 'The Yellowstone Dutton Ranch'. Then, he vanished without a trace. I have his letters and printout of the texts he sent but I have no idea what happened to him."

He said and took her in his arms, "If there's something I can do..."

"Can you find proof that he was here? Ryan says he remembers a Mexican kid who was here about a week, then left without collecting his paycheck. Something happened to him, Kayce, I know it. Benito wouldn't just abandon us. My mom is so upset, after a year she still hasn't gotten over it. I don't know what to do."

"I'll see," he replied, "I may be able to find out something. In the meantime, may you should tell Rip..."

"No, Kayce, I don't want anyone to know who I am. I think I can trust you, but I'm not sure I can trust him. And I don't want anyone to know what happened today. I may not know how I feel about Ryan, but I don't want to hurt him," she said, "He's being very sweet and supportive. I think he's a good man."

"You deserve to be with someone you love, not someone you're trying to love." He kissed her again, then left the barn.

You may be right, she thought, but the last person I loved almost killed me. I'm willing to settle for security with someone who'll love and take care of me. I wish it could be you, Kayce, but I'm not going to break up a marriage.

She went back to the bunkhouse and took a shower. She could smell Kayce on her, smell his scent of horse and outdoors.

She stepped out of the shower and looked at herself in the mirror. The circle of blond hair had grown, and she decided it was time to cut it. The dyed black hair reminded her of being on the run, of living in fear that her ex might find her. She could live with short hair for a while, her hair grew fast, and it wouldn't stay short for long.

She began to fix dinner for the crew. She'd defrosted some chicken breasts and thighs and had purchased some crushed tomatoes and a can of mushrooms. She'd fix chicken cacciatore tonight. She loved Italian food. and the crew was willing to eat whatever she put in front of them.

The sauce was made of tomatoes, celery, onions, garlic, and mushrooms, flavored with white wine and spices. It was going to take two crock pots to hold it all. She loved to cook and try out new things. She cut up a loaf of French bread and spread it thickly with a garlic flavored butter before she put it in the oven.

She sat down and fought the tears that were coming. She regretted cheating on Ryan, but at the same time she didn't. She didn't know what had possessed Kayce or her, but she had felt that it was going to happen.

She didn't know why or what it was, but there was a chemistry between the two of them. She had known, and perhaps Kayce had too. These things happened sometimes, right? It had nothing to do with marriage or fidelity, but she had been drawn to him like a magnet. She could have said no, she should have pushed him away, but she hadn't.

She got up and began to make a salad to go with dinner. She wished there were something for dessert, but the meal would be filling. After they ate Walker would loosen his belt buckle and begin to play. Ryan would want to play cards, but she and the girls liked to listen to Walker sing in his mournful voice.

The cowboys trickled in as she put the garlic bread in the oven. "What's for dinner tonight?" said Ryan and lifted the lid of the slow cooker, "What is this?"

"Chicken cacciatore and if you don't like it you can go without or make yourself a sandwich," she replied. Why did she feel so short with him?

"Hey, I didn't say I wouldn't eat it, I just asked what it was." He replaced the lid, went to her, and rubbed her shoulders.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to snap at you." She felt guilty, but Ryan would have no idea of what had happened in the barn with Kayce. He'd probably think she was feeling stressed, and he wouldn't be entirely wrong. Could Kayce help her? Would he try to help her? If it had taken sex to convince him to help her so be it. Her brother was the most important thing in her life, and she was willing to do anything that she had to.

When Ryan asked her to sit next to him while they played hold 'em, she smiled and complied. Though she prayed he wouldn't feel amorous, she didn't refuse him when he wanted to make love. It was like she was doing a sort of penance. She felt guilty about what she had done with Kayce. Being as sweet as she could to Ryan was the only way she could make up for it.

She felt relieved when she didn't see Kayce for a couple of weeks. She didn't want to face the temptation, though there was no assurance he would want to make love to her again. Maybe he felt the same way?

Then one day he came into the barn leading his horse. "I have something for you to look at," he told her, "See if anything looks familiar." He handed her a brown folder.

She opened it and saw that yes, Benito had been there. She recognized his writing, his social security number, he even listed their mother as his emergency contact.

"This is him, Kayce, I'd recognize his writing anywhere. And look, that's my mom's phone number. He was here, Kayce, he was, but what happened to him. There's even a voided paycheck! But there's nothing here that indicates what happened to him. I know he brought his truck and trailer, and his horse—where are they?" Tears welled in her eyes, and she brushed them away, hoping he didn't notice.

But he did, he took her in his arms and pressed her tightly to him. "I don't know," he whispered, "But something must have happened to him. He must have done something that someone didn't like so they decided he had to go." He didn't want to use the words "killed" or "murdered" both knew what he meant.

"Was there someone working at the ranch who's not there anymore? Someone you think would be capable of this? I don't think his disappearance was an accident."

He took the folder from here. "I need to put this back before it's missed. I think that there could have been. Men come to this ranch who wouldn't be hired anywhere else. I promise I'll try to find out. I know it isn't much, but it's more than you knew before, right?"

She rested her head on his chest, "Thank you, Kayce," she said, then gently disentangled herself from him. "Any little thing you can tell me is a help."