A/N: Thanks for your reviews! I admit, this chapter has been a pain; bits and pieces sitting in my files, refusing to come together just right…and usually when that happens, it's means there's something my character isn't telling me and I have to spend some time to figure out what exactly is bothering that character that she needs to get out of her system…it took awhile, but I finally got it out of her…and in the process, several ideas suddenly came to mind for this 'arc' we'll call it. So, that means this chapter may be a bit shorter than others but that's because I'm dividing it up a bit over the next few chapters so it can be fully fleshed out.
Chapter 28
"Are you sure you want to go over there?" Castle asked as he watched Kate pull on her coat the next morning.
"Yes, I told Dad that I would," she replied.
"He called though and said he talked to her this morning."
"I know; but he also said he still wanted me to check on her if I felt up to it…and I'm going to do that for his peace of mind and mine."
"I could go with you," he suggested.
Kate laughed. "Castle; I think you're one of the last people she wants to see while she's hungover. She probably won't even want to see me but I'm her daughter so I can get away with more than you can."
"Probably true…but still, I could go…I can wait in the car."
"I'm not just going to go in for five minutes and leave," Kate replied while gathering up her keys. "I'm going to stay for a little while and see if I can figure out what possessed her to do this in the first place."
"For attention," Castle said without thought.
Kate turned toward him; her brow raising. "Really? You think this is about attention?"
He shrugged. "What else could it be?"
"Well seeing how she has been prone to depression the last several years; I'm guessing this may possibly be about that."
"If it is, it's of her own making," he replied. "Because let's face it, yesterday was your birthday…she had the chance to be a part of it but she took the cowards way out about it…so, if she's depressed, it's because of her own choices."
"And that is exactly why you're not going over there with me," Kate replied. "Because you just automatically judge her…and let's not forget, you're the one who pushed the topic of my birthday with her after I had asked you not to…so let's think about how you might have a hand in whatever was already brewing in her."
"It's not my fault she got drunk," he said sharply.
"No, but you probably added to it…I told you not to bring up my birthday and you did it anyway. You pressured her and that was the last thing I wanted. Now I'm going over there, alone, and I'll be back later."
He gave her a tight-lipped smile. "Alright; call if you need me."
"I think I can handle my mother on my own."
"Just in case."
"We'll be fine," she said once more before heading for the door. She just hoped that her mother would cooperate and tell her what this was all about.
Awhile later, Kate unlocked the backdoor and stepped inside, unsurprised that the house was silent. She figured her mother was asleep or at the very least, still hunkered down in her bed. She sat the drink carrier and bags of food that she brought on the counter along with her purse, her eyes surveying the quiet kitchen. She sighed softly, her mother's chair wasn't pushed in at the table; the open bottle of wine still setting upon it along with papers, pen and an envelope. Kate moved closer to the table, glimpsing her name on the top line of a sheet of paper and on the envelope. Apparently drinking wasn't the only old habit her mother had indulged in the night before. She had gone back to letter writing, Kate mused as she gathered up the pages, folding them and shoving them into the envelope. She worried her bottom lip for a moment, debating if she should move it to the counter…or take it. She glanced toward the doorway, her curiosity about the contents leading her to hurriedly move to the counter to shove it into her purse.
Scarlett padded into the kitchen, startling her with a pitiful meow.
"Scarlett," she murmured. "You scared me; what have I told you about that?"
The cat meowed once more, moving to her food bowl and then looking back at Kate with a pitiful look.
Kate moved in her direction, seeing that Scarlett's bowl that usually contained her breakfast of wet cat food was empty. "I'm guessing Mom isn't awake or she would've fed you…unless she just hasn't been able to drag herself out of bed yet," she told her.
Scarlett meowed again; her pleading eyes still pinned upon her.
"Don't worry, furball, I'll feed you…you act like you're starving and I know for a fact that you get fed twice a day and that's not counting extras," she said as she moved to the cupboard and took down a can of cat food. She opened the can and grabbed the spoon that her mother always used for Scarlett's food and made her way back to the cat, spooning the contents of the small can into her bowl. "There you go, Scarlett," she told her giving her a pat. "Eat your breakfast and I'll get you some fresh water."
Kate picked up the water bowl and carried it to the sink, sighing deeply when she found the broken wine glass in the basin. She set the bowl aside and carefully picked out the broken pieces of glass and threw them in the garbage. She then refilled Scarlett's water bowl and returned it to its spot before moving to the table. She pushed in the abandoned chair and picked up the bottle of wine, moving to the sink and pouring out what was left before tossing the bottle in the trash. Seeing that the kitchen was put back to rights and that Scarlett was happily settled, she figured it was time to head upstairs.
Kate gripped the railing tightly as she made her way up the stairs. She laid a hand against her stomach when she reached the landing, a touch of queasiness making itself known but she did her best to ignore it, hoping the baby would let her get through this without being sick. The bathroom door was open and the room unoccupied so she moved past it to the open door of her mother's bedroom. She moved across the threshold, seeing her mother curled up in bed. "Rise and shine," she stated loudly, making Johanna flinch.
Johanna suppressed a groan as her eyes flicked open. "You shouldn't be here, Katie. I'm sick, I don't want you to get it."
"I don't think hangovers are contagious, Mom," Kate replied as she moved closer.
Johanna's eyes narrowed. "Who said anything about a hangover?"
"Your very worried husband when he called me last night…and the open bottle of wine that was on the kitchen table…and the fact that you're still in bed and look like hell."
Johanna closed her eyes, another wave of humiliation washing over her. "Well thanks for that, but your father shouldn't have bothered you."
"I think he should have; he's worried and wants to know that you're okay."
"He called this morning," Johanna replied. "He knows I'm fine."
"I know, he told me he called, but I wanted to check on you in person so we both have peace of mind. Come on, time to get up."
She scoffed. "You can't be serious."
"I'm very serious. I told the baby this morning that we had to go sober up Grandma and she was so excited about it that she only made me throw up once."
Johanna pulled her blanket more tightly around her. "Don't tell the baby mean things about me…that's your husband's job."
"He's not allowed to tell the baby anything about you," Kate replied. "But we'll get to him later. Come on, get up."
Johanna breathed deeply. "Can you stop screaming?"
Kate laughed. "You must have one hell of a hangover if you think I'm screaming."
"And stop being so perky; it scares me," her mother mumbled as she burrowed into her pillow.
"It scares you?" Kate repeated in amusement. "Why?"
"Because you stopped being perky when you started having a period. You get too perky and I figure you're plotting to have me put away."
"Not a chance…but I am going to ask you that old question that you used to ask me."
"What's that?"
"Did you learn anything from this?" Kate asked as she perched on the edge of the bed.
"Yeah, I'm too old for hangovers. Laying on the bathroom floor made my back hurt."
"As someone who has spent time laying on the bathroom floor lately, I can say that it hurts your back in your thirties as well…so age really doesn't count on that one. But while we're on the topic…you've been bringing up your age lately…and your age never seemed to bother you before."
"What's your point?" Johanna asked.
"The point is, becoming a grandmother doesn't automatically make you old and you know that. You're not old…and the only way you're going to be old before your time is if you let that notion start living in your head rent free…and you're not going to do that. You're going to continue to be the same vivacious person you are despite having the title of grandmother, okay?"
"Mhmm."
"Don't humor me, believe it," Kate said firmly.
"That will be easier to do when I don't have a headache."
"Fair enough. Did you take anything for it?"
"No."
"Why not?"
Johanna shrugged. "I figured I did it, I may as well suffer it out."
"Yeah, we're not doing the self-punishment thing today, Mom. So let's get you up," she said, grabbing her hand and giving it a tug. "We'll get you something for your headache and then go downstairs. I brought breakfast from McDonalds and a Coke too…you always say theirs is the best. You'll feel better once you have some medicine, food and caffeine in your stomach."
"I doubt that."
"You might not be a hundred percent, but you'll feel better. I know you will. So let's go."
"I don't know if I can eat, Katie."
"You're going to eat," she said. "Come on. I fed your poor starving cat and gave her fresh water. She was all kinds of pitiful sitting at her empty dish."
"I told her I'd get her fed," Johanna replied as Kate forced her to sit up.
"She didn't want to wait any longer. I also cleaned up your broken wine glass and dumped out the rest of the wine."
More humiliation washed over Johanna. "I'm sorry," she murmured.
"You don't have to apologize to me for it," she replied, tugging her to her feet. "But I'd like to know why you did it."
"I didn't set out with the intention of doing it," Johanna admitted. "I only meant to have a glass…but somehow I just kept going."
"Been there before," Kate muttered as she kept hold her hand, forcing her to follow her. "Let's get you something for your headache."
What she really wanted was to get back in bed and stay there until the next day, Johanna thought to herself as she was pulled along to the bathroom.
After taking the pain reliever that her daughter had forced into her hand, they made their way downstairs and to the kitchen. "It's too bright in here," Johanna muttered as she sat down at the table.
Kate moved to the sink and closed the curtains a little. "Is that better?"
"It helps."
"Good, I'll get the food; thankfully Scarlett hasn't stolen it in effort to get even for having to wait for her breakfast."
"She knows she's not allowed on the counters," Johanna said as she laid her head down on the table.
"She knows she's not allowed on the stands too but I hear she got up there and knocked your glasses on the floor which Dad then stepped on," Kate replied.
"She had a bad moment," Johanna muttered. "We all do."
"Did you get your glasses replaced?"
"Yes; I got them a few days ago."
"Good. Sit up so I can put your food in front of you," Kate stated.
She blew out a breath as she raised her head and forced herself to sit up as her daughter put her preferred breakfast order from McDonalds in front of her, including an extra hashbrown. "You didn't have to bring food," she told her.
"I know, but I figured you weren't up to cooking," Kate replied as she settled down with her own breakfast meal. "Drink your Coke; you look like you need that caffeine."
Johanna managed a small glare at her. "You might want to tone down the comments on my appearance…after all, I can't look nearly as bad as you did when I dragged your drunken ass out of a wedding chapel in Vegas."
Kate shrugged. "I don't know, I think hangovers are probably worn better when you're younger."
"Keep digging that hole, Katie," Johanna said as she picked up her soda and took a drink.
Silence fell over the table as they opened the containers that held their meals, leaving Kate unsure of how to broach the topics that needed to be discussed; fearful that she'd make things worse…worried that she'd touch her mother's hair trigger temper…worried that some explanation would set off her own hair trigger temper. She suppressed a sigh…maybe she was more like her than she thought. It had to be done though and she figured that she better just dive in and get it done. She took a sip of her Sprite and then took a breath as she met her mother's eye. "Just so you know; I like pink cupcakes," she stated.
Johanna gave a soft shake of her head. "I don't know what I was thinking making the icing pink."
Kate shifted in her chair a little. "You wanted to do something different…it's not like you committed a crime by coloring the icing."
"But you don't like pink," Johanna replied. "You won't even wear pink most of the time. It was a stupid thing to do."
"No, it wasn't, they're beautiful."
She scoffed. "They were a mess; I should've thrown them out."
"No!" she exclaimed. "They're perfect the way they are…and delicious. I liked that you got creative with the design…I'm surprised you never tried that before."
"I didn't have time before," Johanna admitted. "But I'm not very good at it."
"I think you did great for the first time…I bet by the time the baby is old enough for cupcakes you'll be making her the prettiest ones."
Johanna took a sip of her Coke but stayed quiet.
Kate met her gaze. "Thank you for the cupcakes."
"You're welcome."
"Why didn't you wait on me to answer the door, Mom?"
"I told you why in the card," she remarked.
"You can't really think that I'd keep your grandchild from you just because you brought cupcakes on my birthday."
"Let's not do this, Katie," Johanna replied.
"Do what?"
"This thing you're driving at. My head hurts, I'm not in the mood…it's been a long month and I just don't want to do it."
Kate leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms. "I really don't care…we're doing it anyway."
Johanna's jaw tightened. "Look, if you'd tell your husband to mind his own damn business and stay out of things that are solely between us, we wouldn't have this issue about cupcakes being dropped off at the door, okay? I know the rules…believe me, I remember very well being told off about the topic of your birthday and so I respect your wishes and leave you alone on it with the exception of a single text and a vase of flowers…and I would've continued that this year if he hadn't butted in and made his demands that I do something more. I made the cupcakes, I dropped them off, I did more. So let's just drop it and leave me alone."
"Nope, don't think we can do that."
"Why not?"
"Because…I think I've done too much of leaving you alone," Kate admitted. "We spent a lot of time earlier this year not talking to each other."
"Well, as you so kindly reminded me, you had spent a previous thirteen years not being able to speak to me so you were used to it," Johanna replied, her eyes snapping with temper.
"And I apologized for saying that; it was cruel and uncalled for."
Johanna shrugged. "Truth hurts sometimes; I got over it."
"I'm not so sure of that."
"Trust me, I am."
"Okay, we'll leave that one in the past," she conceded. "But I don't think we should just let this one go."
"Why not?" Johanna asked, her voice rising. "I did more like I was told to do! I do the best I can at jumping through hoops while minding the rules. What more do you want?"
"I want you to stop being defensive about this," Kate replied.
"Then quit picking at it; I'm starting to regret the fact that you dumped out the rest of my wine."
"You might've drowned in a bottle of wine in Wyoming but you're not going to do it here," Kate said firmly.
Johanna gave her a stern look. "You don't tell me what to do."
"Oh I think I am in this case. It's been a few years since you've done this so I'm giving you a pass, but it's not going to be a habit of yours again. You don't have any reason to be crawling into a bottle, Mom."
She scoffed. "If that was the case, I wouldn't have done it."
"Then tell me why you did it this time. You said you didn't intend to do it when we first started this."
"I didn't!" she exclaimed, wincing at the sound of her own raised voice.
"Then how did it happen?"
Johanna sighed. "I was driving around; I ended up in my old neighborhood…"
"What old neighborhood?"
Johanna eyed her with slight suffering. "The one I lived in before I was married and had a kid. My apartment. I ended up there and the liquor store I always bought my wine from was still there so I stopped and I thought I'd get a bottle to nurse this week while my husband was out of town."
"Looks like you did more than just nurse it," Kate remarked.
"Thanks for stating the obvious, Einstein," her mother retorted.
Kate laughed. "Wow, you're mean when you're hungover."
"You're free to leave whenever you want," Johanna replied before taking another long sip of her Coke.
"You would enjoy me leaving too much so I'm going to have to stay," she replied. "Now why did you get drunk last night?"
Johanna's eyes narrowed, her jaw tight. "Because I felt like it."
"Again, I thought you said you didn't intend to do it? Now it's because you felt like it. Which story is it, Mom?"
"Maybe it's both!" she exclaimed. "Did you ever think of that?"
"How can it be both?"
"Very easily," Johanna replied. "I wanted a glass of wine. I wanted a second glass of wine. I figured what the hell, have a third glass of wine, who's going to know? I was in the privacy of my own home, alone, not bothering anyone."
"That doesn't mean you should be doing it…you are the wife of a recovering alcoholic."
"Yes, I'm aware of that," Johanna said tartly. "Why do you think I waited until he was out of town?"
"He still knows!"
"Katie, your father knows I occasionally have a drink. It took me a long time to be able to be comfortable doing so; and no I don't usually have it in front of him, but he does know that once in awhile, I satisfy a craving for a glass of wine."
"There's a difference between one glass to satisfy a craving and getting drunk," Kate remarked. "You don't need to be getting drunk. Like I said, it's been awhile, so I'm trying to give you a pass, but I'm telling you right now, this is not going to be a habit of yours again. I am not going down this road with another parent, and I sure as hell won't leave my baby with you if this is what you're going to start doing."
Johanna scoffed, anger bubbling up within her. "More rules…you want to know why I wanted glass after glass last night? Because I'm sick and tired of rules…I have to jump through hoops just to stay in your life, follow your rules, follow your husband's demands and rules, follow rules with my husband, my sister, pretend not to know former friends in the grocery store because they don't want people to know that they ever knew me. All I get done doing is jumping through hoops and I already know I'll have plenty more hoops to jump through to get an hour a week visitation with my grandchild; I can't wait to see that list…and stupid me will jump through every single one so I can have that one hour a week…until I piss you off or piss off your meddling husband. So yeah, every few years I feel like getting drunk…because who wouldn't? I get tired, Katie. I get tired…I get aggravated…I get frustrated. Work has been hell for the last two weeks; with nothing but drama and complaints and enough annoyances that I briefly considered retiring at the end of the semester. I've been worried about you and the baby. I've had to put up with your husband telling me what I need to do for my own child instead of minding his own business; because apparently, it's impossible for him to mind his own business. I've had to deal with my own husband being inattentive and largely absent leading up to his trip, not giving a damn about what's going on in my life…although he told me, it's been all about me for forty years so he was entitled to a week of himself. So I quietly ignored it when the plans he made for us were forgotten because he got invited to some game and I only warranted a text telling me he wouldn't be home until late. I sat here for days thinking of how I was supposed to do more while not breaking the rules at the same time; because if I didn't do more, it would be one more black mark for Rick to put in his book…and on the flip side, I got to worry about if this slight hint of more would bother you as blurring the lines of your rules and therefore mean that you'd cut me off for a few weeks…it's a nerve wracking line to walk, you know. So yeah, I got drunk last night…no, I didn't intend to, but I did, because I figured, why not…who was going to know…which I should've known, everyone would know because that's just how it is for me. My sins always get exposed. So, I'll apologize. I'm sorry I was human and drowned my sorrows and stress, causing distress to my husband and the worry for my daughter that she almost let her child fall into the hands of a woman who gets drunk every three years in the privacy of her own home while alone. I'm sorry. If you want to ignore me for a week, that's fine, I'm used to it. Give me a call or send a text when you're done being mad."
Kate was silent for a long moment as she absorbed her mother's tirade. "Wow."
Johanna shrugged. "How much do I owe you for breakfast?"
"I don't want your money."
"Okay, but if you change your mind, let me know. Thanks for stopping by; you can call your father and tell him you fulfilled your duty and that I'm fine and the bottle has been disposed of."
"Don't dismiss me," Kate retorted. "I'm not someone you have on the witness stand."
"No, I'm always the one on the witness stand being cross examined," Johanna remarked.
Kate took a breath, doing her best to rein in her own temper although it wasn't easy, when all she wanted to do was yell back that her mother's month hadn't been nearly as stressful as hers had been when she had to sit and worry that she might've caused harm to her own baby; not to mention dealing with all the side effects of pregnancy. The words she didn't want to say slipped across her lips anyway, despite her best efforts. "We've all had a bad month, Mom; don't act like you corner the market on it. I think my month has probably been worse than yours considering I had to worry that I caused harm to my unborn baby. Why don't you just tell people when something is bothering you?"
Johanna gave a bitter laugh. "Because of the attitude you just gave me, that's why. It's never 'I'm sorry to hear that' or 'Tell me what happened' or 'How can I help'…it's always 'We all have problems' or 'My problems are worse than yours' or 'You're just being dramatic' or 'Everything is always about you' like my husband told me, I really enjoyed that one. Or there's the 'well do better' or 'you need to do more' or 'it doesn't matter, you're fine'. So that's why I don't tell anyone anything, Katie; because when I do, those are the responses I get…and they all translate into, your problems aren't important, so shut the hell up and deal with it…and that's fine, because I do shut up and I do deal with it…sometimes it takes me awhile to figure it out but eventually I do. You all might not like me while I do it…but that's how it is sometimes."
Kate studied her for a long moment. "So you really think no one ever listens to you?"
"I don't think it, I know it."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is."
"I'm sure Dad will love knowing that; after all, I'm pretty sure he's spent most of his life listening to your problems and trying to find a solution for them. He was inattentive for one week, how dare he. If it was that damn important, why didn't you just make him listen? It couldn't have been a surprise to you that he was going to be preoccupied with his trip coming up. He's always happy to go."
Her mother smirked at her. "Go ahead and say it, Katie; he's always happy to go to get away from me."
"I didn't say that."
"It felt implied."
She blew out a breath. "Well he probably does need a break sometimes."
"I know," Johanna said with a nod. "Everyone needs a break from me."
"I didn't say that either."
"It was implied."
"I hate when you do that 'it was implied' thing," Kate remarked.
Johanna shook her head. "Go home, Katie. I don't need a babysitter and I don't need company."
"No, I'm not leaving yet. I don't think we're done discussing things."
"There's nothing to discuss; you already dismissed the few things I mentioned without even asking why those things were bothering me…so why should we discuss it further? You made it very clear, Katie; that my husband needed a break from me…that nothing I had to say would measure up to what you've gone through this month, and while I admit that's true…they're still things that bothered me whether you think they're worthy or not. I know I should be used to it; after all, I spent a long time not being able to tell people things…but sometimes I want to…even if everyone thinks whatever it is that I want to talk about is stupid."
Kate rolled her eyes. "People do listen to you, Mom; but maybe sometimes when you want to rant and rave, people have other things to do that are more important; did you ever think of that? It's no excuse to go get drunk."
Johanna bit the inside of her cheek, biting back sharper words. "You're right, I shouldn't expect anyone to want to listen to me…even though I'm always expected to listen…I mean I even have to go to be a better mother-in-law lunches; so I should just keep things to myself. I intended to keep last night to myself…or at the very least, between my husband and myself, but I should've known better; because you two report every single thing that I say or do to each other."
"That's probably because it takes both of us to figure you out sometimes," Kate retorted. "You're a full-time job all on your own, Mom."
Johanna smirked at her. "Well guess what, you're fired."
"I don't think you have the authority to do that. I'm still not leaving if that's what you're getting at."
"You may as well," Johanna replied as she got up from the table to throw away the empty wrappers from her breakfast.
"Well I'm not."
Johanna's eyes scanned the kitchen after throwing away her trash; the thought coming to mind of the letter she had been writing at the table the night before.
"Where's my letter?" Johanna asked, her gaze darting around the kitchen. "I had a letter on the table; where is it?"
"The one with my name on it?" Kate asked.
"Yes," she said sharply. "Where is it?"
Kate hesitated but figured she may as well tell the truth since her mother apparently hadn't been drunk enough to forget that she had written it. "It's in my purse."
Johanna's jaw tightened. "Why?"
"Because it had my name on it…so, I figure it's mine."
"No, it's not yours," she retorted. "It's mine. If I want you to have it, I'll give it to you; you don't just come in my house and take something. Who do you think you are?"
"Your daughter," Kate replied, her tone tense. "It had my name on it so you must've written it for me. I wanted to know what you had to say."
"Did you read it?"
"No, I figured I'd do that at home."
"Oh," Johanna said with a nod. "So you could share it with your husband."
"No; I wasn't going to share it with him."
She scoffed. "I just bet. Give it to me."
"Why?"
"Because it's mine!" she exclaimed. "And maybe I wasn't done with it or maybe I just don't want you to have it."
"Then what was the point in writing it?" Kate shot back. "You don't want me to have it. You don't want me to read it…so why did you write it?"
"Because I did…to say the things I want to say but know you don't want to hear or that I can't say because you'll find some fault in it. It's just a form of therapy."
"Therapy," Kate said with a short laugh. "Now that's a good topic for us. Maybe you can tell me about the therapy you've been lying about going to for over a year."
Johanna stared at her; her jaw tight but she stayed silent.
"You know, Mom; for someone who hates it so much when my husband calls her a liar…you sure do seem to get caught lies, now don't you?"
Johanna's eyes narrowed. "He just couldn't help himself, could he? He said he wouldn't tell and yet he went right home and told you anyway."
"You should've known he would…that's how marriage is; Dad tells you everything he hears."
"I didn't tell him on purpose; I let it slip," Johanna retorted.
"That's what happens when you lie," Kate remarked.
"Don't stand there and act like you don't lie…let's not forget that your husband recently confessed some of your lies."
"Maybe I learned it from you!" she shot back without thought.
Johanna's lips pressed tightly together as she did her best to hold back the words that flooded her mind as she stared at her daughter. "Give me the letter, Katie," she said firmly.
"Why can't I have it?"
"Because I said so," she replied, her tone angry. "You had no right to just snatch it up. Give it to me…now."
Kate hated to do it but she grabbed her purse from the counter and took the letter out, handing it to her mother. "Must be pretty bad if you don't want me to read a letter that you wrote to me."
"It might have your name on it but it wasn't yours to take," Johanna remarked. "Now you've done your duty to your father; get out of my house and leave me alone…because being alone is something else I'm accustomed to, and you know, sometimes I like being alone, so go."
Kate crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at her. "No, I'm not ready to go home yet."
"Fine," Johanna said, the letter clutched tightly in her hand. "Make yourself at home. I'm going back to bed."
"Really?" Kate said as she watched her mother head for the doorway of the kitchen. She didn't respond or stop her trek, Scarlett hurrying from the room to follow behind her. She listened to the soft sound of footsteps on the stairs, telling her that her mother was indeed retreating back to her bed. She stood there in silence for a few minutes, plotting what to do next when her phone chimed and she pulled it from her pocket, finding a text from Castle.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Not well; she's mean when she's hungover, I made it worse and now she's gone back to bed."
"So you'll be on your way home?"
"No…I feel like leaving would be a mistake."
"Because she might drink more?" he asked.
"No; the wine has been dumped out. I just think I've blown this as usual…so I need to try and fix it…somehow."
"Maybe you should wait until she's not hungover," her husband suggested.
"No, I think it needs to be today. I'll be home later," she told him before putting her phone on the table and getting up from her chair.
Kate made her way upstairs once more, moving down the hallway to her mother's bedroom. The door was ajar but she noted that her mother had pulled the blinds and closed the curtains before she had retreated to her bed, the covers pulled up over her as she rested with her back to the door. A glance across the room at the chair showed that Scarlett had settled down on her blanket there for a nap of her own. She sighed softly, toeing off her shoes just inside the door before she made her way to the bed, perching on the edge at her mother's side. "I know you're awake," she stated.
"Leave me alone," Johanna muttered. "I want to go back to sleep."
Kate sighed deeply. "Like I said earlier, I think we leave you alone too much."
Johanna tugged at her covers to pull them more tightly around her. "Get off my blanket."
Kate rose from the side of the bed and walked back around to the other side and settled in, propping the pillows up behind her back.
"That wasn't an invitation for you to get into my bed," her mother remarked.
"I never waited on one when I was a kid, so why bother wait for one now," Kate replied. "Besides, my back aches a little, so I'm not going to stand the whole time."
"Go home and get in your own bed."
"You're so anti-social today," she quipped.
"What will it take to make you leave me alone?" Johanna asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know…you want to give me my allowance for old times sake?"
"My purse is on the dresser, take a twenty and go."
"This isn't the 90s anymore, Mom; twenty bucks doesn't go as far now."
"Fine, take fifty."
"I wish I had known back then that I could've gotten a raise in my allowance by waiting until you were hungover to ask."
"You say that like I drank a lot when you were a kid and I didn't."
"I know…but you've said yourself that you drank a lot in Wyoming."
"But I don't here," Johanna said firmly.
"No, but moments like this make people wonder if you're considering it."
Johanna sighed deeply. "One glass of wine too many and you're branded an alcoholic."
"Because you have past history of it," Kate replied. "I don't like saying it, but you're the one who told us about drinking in Wyoming."
"If it makes you feel any better, I wish I hadn't told you," she muttered. "I'm not an alcoholic; I haven't been drunk in years. So I had a weak moment last night; one that could've remained between me and my husband but no, he has to call you and send you over here so you can lecture me and throw in the 'I won't leave my baby with a drunk' quote; like you're picking me up off the floor every day. I hadn't even had a glass of wine in several months, but you automatically go to worst case scenarios."
"That probably comes from being the daughter of a man who drank way too much for far too long…and I had to deal with that on my own, because you weren't here."
"I'm aware of my sins, Katie," Johanna said sharply. "You don't need to remind me; I don't forget for a single second of my life."
"That's probably true," she admitted. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"I'm used to it…I accepted long ago that there would never be a time when my sins wouldn't be brought up and thrown in my face. It doesn't even hurt anymore."
Silence fell between them for a few minutes and Johanna began to drift off until Kate's voice broke the silence. "You want to tell me why you think you'll only see the baby for an hour once a week?"
"Just a hunch," she murmured sleepily.
"Why?"
Her mother gave a sleepy scoff. "Because I'm barely holding on to the edge of being in your life…one slip up and I'm kicked out for awhile until you decide to give me probation."
"Is that really how you see it?" Kate asked quietly.
"Why else would I sit through these stupid lunches with your husband?" Johanna asked. "Do you think I care that he doesn't like me?"
"I figure you probably do."
"I hate to tell you this, but I don't. I seriously don't care that he doesn't like me…just like I didn't care that Elizabeth Beckett didn't like me and she didn't care that I didn't like her."
"Yeah, but it wasn't always that way…when I was growing up you two had the occasional spat but overall I felt like you both liked each other."
"We learned to like each other…in our own time and in our own way. We never tried to change each other. I remember that a few months before the wedding, I made your grandmother a deal; we didn't have to like each other, we just had to accept that neither one of us was going anywhere. I told her I'd try not to step on her toes, I'd call her Mrs. Beckett as she wished and in return, all I asked was that she call me by my given name once in awhile instead of Princess or Slut. She agreed…she still wore black to the wedding but she at least called me by my name and that was good enough for me."
"Castle already calls you by your first name," Kate remarked.
Johanna scoffed. "Sometimes I wish I had taken a page from Liz's book and asked to be addressed as Mrs. Beckett."
"Why?"
"To make that special mother-in-law relationship clear from the start," she muttered.
"I think he'd think you were being petty."
She shrugged. "I don't really care in all honesty, but it's too late not to be on a first name basis anyway."
"Do you want to tell me about this lunch that got all of this started this week?" Kate asked.
"You already know, Katie," Johanna retorted as she shifted to find a more comfortable position. "Just leave it alone. I'm sorry I drank last night, okay? It's been a long month and I made a mistake. It won't happen again…I'll draw up a paper and sign it if you want."
"I didn't ask for legal documentation, Mom."
"Then what do you want?" she sighed.
"I want you to talk to me!" Kate exclaimed.
"Please don't yell," Johanna retorted. "My head hurts enough."
"Then quit being so damn defensive and stubborn and just talk to me! Tell me why things have been so bad for you this month that it led to this?"
"I tried that downstairs and got that, it's been a bad month for all of us response, so I'm not going to go into it again. I said I was sorry. I'm paying the consequences of my actions. I won't get drunk again, I'm too old for this…but believe me, when I do have a glass of wine again, I will make damn sure no one finds out about it."
"How do you think you're going to accomplish that?"
"That's for me to know," Johanna muttered. "Go home now; enjoy the rest of your day; you've done your duty to your father."
"I don't think I'm ready to go," Kate said, shifting to stretch her arm over her mother to grab the remote from the nightstand.
"What are you doing?"
"Turning on the TV," she said as she settled back against the pillows. "If we're hanging out up here we may as well watch TV."
"We're not hanging out; I'm trying to sleep."
"You're not going to sleep until we discuss this."
"What is there to discuss?" Johanna asked. "You already dismissed the bare minimum of what I said; so let it go."
"We haven't discussed the therapy thing."
"I'm sure Rick gave you the report when I slipped up and told him I don't go. He asked why and I told him, I'm sure he told you."
"Maybe I want to hear it from you."
"Call my secretary and schedule an appointment," Johanna muttered. "I don't feel like being analyzed today."
"You could've just told me back when you quit going," Kate replied.
"Oh sure; that would've gone well. Back in those days I only heard from you when you wanted to bitch about something I said or did or you didn't think I should feel…so yeah, I lied to you about therapy. I didn't want to make things worse between us by telling you it wasn't for me. So once again, I'm sorry I quit therapy. I'm sorry I got drunk. I'm sorry I'm needy…I'm sorry for anything else I forgot to mention."
"You're making this difficult," Kate murmured.
"Would you feel like having your brain picked while you're hungover?" Johanna asked.
"No, I guess not."
"Then leave me alone."
"I can't."
"Why? Is your father paying you by the hour?"
"Dad's not paying me to be here…why would you even ask that?" she asked with a hint of a laugh.
"I know all too well how he likes to make sure I have a babysitter or a playdate at times. I had gotten him off that for the most part but since I screwed up last night I guess I'll be back on the watch list."
"Can't say that I blame him in that case," Kate remarked.
Johanna sighed deeply. "Sometimes I think about what my life should've been like if none of that business had happened back in 1999. It's depressing to think about sometimes…to realize if I hadn't opened that damn letter that I could've just continued living my life the way it was. That I could go out without a gun in my purse…that I wouldn't have a hint of fear in the back of my mind every day of my life. My husband would trust me completely like he always had…my relationship with my daughter wouldn't be full of rules and battles. I'd have more friends…I'd have my sister. I could come and go as I pleased…if I wanted to overindulge once in a great awhile to blow off steam, no one would blink an eye. I'd still have my career…because I guarantee you, I'd still be in a courtroom instead of a damn classroom. But I try not think about it too much…because what's the point in dwelling on something you can't change."
Kate chose her words carefully. "You don't talk much about your career..."
"What is there to talk about?" Johanna asked. "It's over."
"You don't ever say if you miss it…I mean, part of me thinks how could you possibly miss it knowing what it did to you…but the more logical side of my brain says how can you not? It was part of your identity."
"It doesn't matter if I miss it," she replied softly. "It's gone."
"Your license is current; there wasn't any issue with getting you re-established with the bar or the state," Kate said carefully. "I wouldn't want you to take criminal cases or appeals…but you could go back to family law and contract law if you wanted."
"You can't just go back after this long, Katie. It's been over a decade…you don't restart your law career in your sixties when most people are retiring."
"You could get a job like Dad's…behind the scenes case work and he slips back in the courtroom once in awhile as second chair on a case. You could do that."
"And have him worried sick every day? No, I can't. Once in awhile he'll let me help with some of his work, but it has to be done here…not at a law firm."
"Maybe you could tell him you want to do the kind of work he does…you'd still be behind the scenes, you'd be safe. If you're not happy at Columbia…."
"I'm fine at Columbia."
"Didn't sound that way earlier…you said you had briefly considered retiring."
"My classes are just being annoying."
"You also made the statement that if none of this had happened, you could guarantee you'd be in the courtroom, not the damn classroom."
"It doesn't matter; things aren't that way and I'm not in the courtroom…and I never will be again…unless it's something that needs handled for the family that I don't trust to someone else…and even then your father would probably take it before I got a chance."
Kate was quiet for a minute, absorbing what she had been told. Her mother wasn't coming right out and saying it, but it was clear that she missed the law…that part of her wished she could go back and pick up her career instead of teaching the next generation of lawyers…but she seemed to forget that she had made on brief return to the law. "You did get back in the courtroom once since coming home," she said quietly.
"That was unfinished business….it was a one day hearing."
"Yeah…but Pulgotti was freed at the end of it," Kate murmured. "He got out and did just what he promised you he'd do; he went to New Jersey to be with his son and he's never came back."
"Yes…and I came home and promised my husband I wouldn't ever do it again," Johanna said softly.
"I know…but you could still do work like he does."
"My classes will straighten out," Johanna murmured. "Only a few more weeks until winter break."
"I think it's your classes that make you miss what you were trained to do," Kate stated. "These mock trials you have to do…I think it gets to you sometimes."
"Katie, don't analyze me," Johanna sighed. "So what, sometimes I think about the career my father funded that went down the tubes before I was ready. I wouldn't be normal if I didn't. I don't want to discuss it any further."
"Why? Am I hitting a nerve?"
"No, you're just getting on my nerves," Johanna replied. "I told you I have a headache."
"The Advil should be kicking in soon," Kate replied. "But you could do the work you wanted if you'd put yourself out there."
"I'm fine with my job…and since I know you'll be filing a report with your father, could you please not mention anything about my former profession? The last thing I want is to have him up in arms about it."
"Alright, I won't mention it. If you don't want to talk about work; let's go back to the therapy thing."
"Katie; I didn't like it; I didn't want to do it. I went the first time because you signed me up, it wasn't for me. I didn't tell you so you wouldn't get mad. I found my own methods, I'm better than I was and no, I won't consider going back…so drop this topic too."
"Does Dad know you don't go?"
"Of course he knows," Johanna replied. "I told him when I didn't go to the second appointment."
"So he's kept it from me too?!"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Johanna sighed and turned over to look her in the eye. "At the time, you weren't exactly known for your kind, compassionate, understanding nature."
Kate held her stare. "Are you saying I was a bitch?"
"If you want to get technical…yes."
"Wow," Kate laughed. "You are definitely mean when you're hungover."
"You asked, I told you."
"You know, you've been known to be a bitch yourself at times."
"I never denied that," Johanna replied. "And even if I wanted to, your husband has a list of occasions to remind me of it. He wrote them down in his little notebook."
"Okay, since work and therapy are off the discussion table. Tell me about your lunch with Castle the other day…and yes, I've heard his side, but maybe I want to hear yours."
"He accused me of being cranky; yes, I was in a bad mood, I was fighting with my husband, my classes had been a pain in the ass and I wasn't in the mood for this stupid lunch thing. Then he started harping at me for being distant, as he termed it, and I reminded him that I do have a life and in the course of that he got mad that I started the mock trial projects without letting him know so he could come in and playact. I told him I didn't tell him because he needed to be home with you, making sure you were alright. Then he got started on the topic of your birthday, saying I needed to suck it up, take the initiative, and do better. He said if I couldn't do better for you than how can he expect to believe that I'll show up for my grandchild. I said the rules you set only applied to you, they don't apply to the baby. He then made a statement of oh you'll do better for your grandchild but not your own baby, is that the type of mother you want to be? I told him it's the type of mother I've been made to be…and no, I'm not digging at you on that one, Katie; I just respect your boundaries. He kept pushing, saying I needed to break the rules and do better so finally I left. End of story."
"Okay…first let me apologize for my husband and his pushiness. I admit that I had told him you were being distant and that I knew it was because of my birthday coming…but I also asked him not to mention it to you because I didn't want you to feel pressured…if you wanted to reach out, I wanted it to be your idea, not his. Clearly, he didn't listen…."
"Yeah; he's good at that…that's why my sister doesn't answer my messages anymore."
"And I'm still very sorry about that," Kate said sincerely. "I really am."
"It wasn't your fault," Johanna replied. "I just don't know if I should make her a pie for Thanksgiving…and bake her cookies for Christmas."
"You should," Kate told her. "You absolutely should…it might let her know you're still there."
"Maybe I will."
"You should. But to continue on; I'm sorry…I should know better than to tell him something and believe him when he says he won't mention it to you. I know I hurt you that first birthday you were home for…."
"It was your right to say you didn't want anything from me," Johanna interrupted. "You didn't really want me around…and I get that. I just wanted my life back and I was desperate to have it…to be your mother and you didn't want that and it's okay. It's taken a lot of battles and silences for me to make my peace with things, Katie; to learn to be happy with what you want to give because the choice is yours."
"I always want you to be my mother," she told her. "Things were just still raw that year…and when I let myself look back at it; I feel terrible about it. I could've found a better way…but neither one of us were in a good place."
"Seems like I'm never in a good place."
"That's not true; you just let people in your head sometimes…especially when you're worried about a certain baby…and you don't need to worry because no one is going to keep you from seeing it…and you do a pretty good job of getting yourself deep into your head…which is why I wanted you to go to therapy."
"I'm not going to therapy so drop it."
"Fine. What do we want to discuss next?"
"You leaving so I can go to sleep," Johanna replied.
"Usually you want me here."
"And it figures you'd come visit on the day I'm fine with being alone."
Kate studied her for a minute; maybe it wasn't the best time to try and dig deeper. She really didn't want to end up making her angry…and maybe she did need to sleep a little more to get back on her feet. "Are you sure you're fine?" she asked.
"Yes, I just want to sleep a little more."
"To get rid of the hangover, right? Not because you're slipping under one of those dark clouds, right?"
"Believe me, it's the hangover," Johanna replied.
Kate studied her a moment longer. "Once the hangover is gone…you're not going to slip under a dark cloud?"
"No, I have too much to do to have time for that."
"You promise?"
Johanna met her eye. "I promise."
"You'll answer the phone later when I call to check on you…not in a babysitting way, but in the are you feeling better way?"
"Yes, I'll answer the phone."
"Alright," she conceded. "I'll let you take your nap."
Relief filled Johanna. "Let me know you got home okay."
"I will," Kate replied as she leaned over and kissed her mother's cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too."
"The cupcakes are very good, and the color of icing doesn't matter," she told her. "I'm not mad that you brought them…I wouldn't have been mad if you had stayed…and I'm not mad that you couldn't; so don't worry about that either, okay?"
Johanna gave a nod, wincing a little as it made her head hurt.
"I'll make sure the door locks. Get some sleep, Mom," she told her as she scooted off the bed.
"Thank you," Johanna muttered as she pulled the covers up higher and snuggled further into her pillow.
Kate sat in the car in her mother's driveway for several minutes, pondering the things she had been told…the things she had picked up on without exact words being uttered. Her mother felt like no one listened when she wanted them to…and she, in typical fashion, dismissed the notion as always. But maybe it was true in some ways…maybe a lot of what she said was true. They did give her rules and conditions. They expected her to do what they wanted her to do instead of what she might actually want to do. Her mother went to those so called 'be a better mother-in-law' lunches to keep her place in her life; to make sure she could be a part of her grandchild's life. She allowed the scabs to be picked at while mostly stifling whatever was lingering beneath the surface.
She wouldn't fully admit to missing her law career…but she knew she did. That was why she didn't speak of it…why she always wanted to change the topic when asked about how she felt about it.
She wouldn't fully admit why she worried about having a limited relationship with her grandchild; but Kate knew it wasn't just Castle that played into that feeling…it was her too.
She wouldn't admit that it was still bothering her that Colleen had ended their contact…but she saw today that it was still weighing on her mind.
She wouldn't tell her husband that she missed the work she had been trained for…that sometimes she needed more than just a random file on her desk that he gave her as a small offering once in a great while. She didn't want to worry him. She didn't want to be the blame for however he would react…so she kept quiet.
Kate allowed those thoughts to linger through her mind. Maybe they didn't listen…even when she was talking, maybe they weren't really listening to all of what she was saying…reading between the lines…reading what laid in her eyes. She was always expected to listen…to apologize…to fix things…and it occurred to her, that maybe someone needed to fix some things for her mother for a change.
With that thought in mind, Kate started the car before sending a quick text to her husband telling him she had something else to do while she was out. She was going to try and fix a few things…she wasn't sure she could; it was something she didn't think she did very well; but she was going to try her best.
A/N: We'll see what Kate's plans are in the next chapter…