Shadows Cast By Joy Are Always The Darkest
Chapter summary: Even the best of news can give rise to the unpleasant self-revelations.
Jeff Tracy is back from the dead, Conrad isn't certain how to deal with that.
"That's fantastic Scott!" Conrad enthused watching Scott vibrate with excitement and joy over the phone.
"Yeah," Scott looked completely and utterly happy, a man with an enormous weight lifted off his shoulders, "you need come to the Island, I know Dad would want to see you."
"I'll…I'll come as soon as I can," Conrad said, "things are reaching a critical a point here, I'm afraid. Charles will have my hide if I just up and leave not matter how wonderful the reason."
"Okay," Scott grinned, "see you soon, babe!"
Once the hologram winked out, Conrad sat perfectly still, then slammed his fist against the top of his desk. He took deep breath and continued on as normal. He had work to do, anything else just have to wait until he had the time for it.
"Are you feeling well?" Admiral Charles Gray asked, catching Conrad before he left the finished meeting.
"I'm fine, Sir" Conrad said, mentally reviewing his actions and what he said. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Charles raised a regal eyebrow. He would never admit it to Conrad, but Conrad was even more stiff and efficient than usual when something was bothering him.
"Okay," Conrad lowered his voice and leaned in, "as far as I know it hasn't been announced to the general public or even most of the GDF, but IR was successful in rescuing Jeff Tracy. He's home on Tracy Island."
"That is good news," Charles observed warmly, but neutrally.
"It's wonderful news," Conrad nodded.
"Yes."
Charles watched his assistant director retreat his office with slightly narrowed eyes. A call to Juliette might be in order.
Conrad finished his work and went home. He made dinner. He took a shower. He went to bed.
And after two and half hours of staring at the ceiling, he got up with a sigh and went to make a cup of tea. While it steeped, he returned to the bedroom and got a small old plush tuxedo cat, that was in better condition than a well-loved stuffed animal over thirty years old had any right to be.
Taking both tea and cat, he sat down at his kitchen table. He set the cat in front of him, and gently squeezed the left ear. A man's voice seemed to fill the air around him, and he smiled bitterly, before replaying the message again. Edgar Turner had recorded it the day he and Isabella Turner had died in a terrorist bombing. The plush cat was the last gift he had ever given his son.
"Hey Conrad, this is your Dad, and this is F-14! Your Mum thinks I should wait until you're old enough to name him yourself, but I'm pretty certain you've gotten my sense of humor. F-14 will take care you while your Mum and I are out. Don't ever worry though, we'll be back. We love you. We'll always love you."
Conrad took in a ragged breath, and then another, before he started to cry.
"I did get your sense of humor, Dad, at least I think I did. F-14 is a perfect name for a cat."
He took a sip with a tea, and wiped at his tears.
This just wasn't going to work. He needed more than tea.
Conrad reached over and grabbed the all-purpose data-pad he kept to jot down notes, make grocery lists and for various and other sundry reasons. Right now he was going to something he hadn't done in years. 'Talk' through his feelings – he started doing it when he was a child still living with his legal guardians and they had been as useful as a raincoat on a fish for helping him figure out his feelings.
He picking up the stylus, he started to write.
What Happened?
Scott Rescued his father.
(No)
Scott Rescued his father.(NO)
Scott got his father back
(Closer)
Scott got his father back from the dead.
(Bingo! We have a winner!)
Why Is This An Issue?
(Can't face that yet)
How Do You Feel About It?
Happy
Thankful
Jealous
Resentful
Angry at Scott (Why does he get to have this miracle?)
Angry at Myself
Disgusted with Myself
Why Is This An Issue?
(Still can't face that)
Why Can't You Face It?
It hurts too much
Even After All These Years?
Yes
It Isn't Fair Is It?
That's a stupid question. The life isn't fair and never has been.
If You've Accepted That Then Why Does It Still Hurt?
Well?
Why Is Jeff Tracy Being Alive An Issue?
Because I want my own parents to be alive. And with both of his parents dead it felt like it was even between Scott and me. And I hate myself for feeling like that because it's a horrible thing to think and I should be overjoyed that Scott's got his Dad back, but
But?
I want my Dad back. I want to have more than F-14's message. I want more than F-14 to talk to. I want a chance to just to even get to know my Dad. My Mom. It's not fair.
As You Observed Life's Not Fair. How Do You Feel Now?
Gross, disgusting, a horrible selfish excuse for a human being.
Sad.
Do You Think You Should Talk To Someone?
Yes
Who?
Scott (NO)
Charles and/or Rose (NO)
Juliette (NO)
You Need To Talk To Someone.
I'll decide in the morning.
You Mean You'll Just Use Having A 'New Perspective' In the Morning To Not Deal With This, Don't You?
Now I remember why I stopped doing this.
Do You Want To Be In A Relationship With Scott Tracy? Even With All The Baggage That Comes With It?
Yes
Why?
Well?
Why?
You Need To Talk To Someone.
Conrad set the stylus down, and sat back in his chair.
There was the crux of the problem. He needed to talk this through with someone and he didn't feel like he could burden the few friends he had, or let them see how selfish and horrible he was being, or even begin to try to explain just why he loved Scott so much and what was so lovable about Scott he could forgive what Scott had done or face this new upsetting revelation about himself. Getting an appointment with a therapist wasn't feasible at such short notice, and he didn't need that on his record at this point in time. In a few months when Spectrum was up and running, yes, but right now?
Not a good idea.
Dawn found Conrad still staring at the data-pad, and hugging F-14 to his chest.
And the news of Jeff Tracy's miraculous resurrection was spreading like wild-fire throughout the world.