Chapter 40: Black Eyed Loud

Here's a parody of the episode: Blackened Sponge

A superhero is flying through the sky looking for any signs of trouble. This hero is Ace Savvy. (AKA Lincoln Loud) He suddenly hears someone yelling for help.

"Help! Somebody help!"

Ace Savvy saw a girl tied to railroad tracks. (Girl Jordan) Ace Savvy flew down to her rescue.

"Ace Savvy?"

"There there, you're safe now little lady."

He hears evil laughter. It was from a villain. "You fool! You've fallen into my trap! No you're mine Ace Savvy!"

This bad guy was large. He was dressed in a suit and top hat. He also had a mustache.

"So we meet again Crazyman." Ace Savvy recognized the guy as one of his arch enemies.

"Bring it on!" Crazyman said.

"With pleasure." Ace Savvy cracked his fingers..

The villain covered his ears. "Augh! So loud!"

"You ready to get crazy, huh Crazyman?!"

"You bet your vanilla frosting, white haired cake."

"Sorry, I'm not wearing any frosting."

Crazyman brought down his fist but instead of a physical fight, the hero and villain played Rock Paper Scissors. Ace Savvy did paper and Crazyman did rock. But then Crazyman switched to scissors.

"Hey! That's cheating!" Ace said.

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

As the two continued arguing, the train was approaching.

"Uh Guys?" The trapped girl tried to get their attention.

"Anyway, your shoe's untied." Crazyman said, trying to trick the hero. Ace wasn't fooled.

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"Uh guys?" The girl said.

"Is not!"

"Is too."

"The train!"

Ace Savvy got in front of the girl. "Don't worry, I'm ready!" He ripped off his shirt revealing his muscular body. "Bring it on!"

The train came closer to Ace Savvy but-

We cut to reality. Lincoln is awoken by his alarm clock. He turns it off. "Oh, good morning Charles." Lincoln was only wearing his underwear.

Charles was sleeping on the floor with ear muffs on. "Bark."

"I kept you up all night with my nocturnal outbursts, again?"

"Woof."

"No, Tuesday night was the one with the thirty two foot principal. This night was the one where I defeated notorious arch villain Jack M Crazyman using the sheer force of my awesomely developed musculature."

Lincoln flexed his muscles and puffed out his chest. He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He tried to get the toothpaste cap off but he wasn't strong enough. His chest deflated. He opened the mirror and found Lana's wrench. He used it to get the cap off. The cap did come and some toothpaste squirted out. The cap ricocheted all over the bathroom and then hit Lincoln in the eye. He got up and looked in the mirror. He looked fine.

"Phew! For a second there, I thought I gave myself a black-" Lincoln slipped on the toothpaste cap and hit his eye on the wrench. "-eye."

Now Lincoln has a big gross black eye. He went back to his room and buried his face in his pillow. Charles went up to him.

"Woof."

"Go away Charles. I'm busy being sad." Lincoln's voice was a bit muffled.

"Arf."

"I did something so dumb to myself that even you would laugh uncontrollably at me."

"Woof."

"You promise you won't laugh?"

"Bark."

"Ok. Here goes." Lincoln showed his bruised eye to his dog. "Charles, I gave myself a black eye trying to open the toothpaste."

Charles tried not to laugh. He did find it funny.

"Thanks for not laughing boy. I knew you'd-" Charles had left the room. "Charles?"

Lincoln got ready for school. He didn't want his family to see his black eye so he wore his Ace Savvy sunglasses. He snuck out the door wearing his backpack. But then Lynn Sr. appeared in front of him.

"Hey son."

Lincoln got startled.

"Nice sunglasses. Can I try them on?" He took them off and was surprised to see his son with a black eye. "Lincoln, your eye! It's all black and swollen. How'd you mess your eye up? Did Lynn hit you? Where is she? We'll settle this like men. We'll give her a timeout!"

"No, no. It wasn't Lynn." Lincoln said. "It was someone else. But he learned his lesson."

Lincoln was thinking about the toothpaste incident from earlier.

"Are you sure son? Who was this guy anyway?"

Lincoln thought of the villain from his dream. "Um...it was Jack M. Crazyman! You've never seen anyone like this guy Dad. He was about sixty feet tall."

"No way." His father was surprised.

"Oh yes, he was big and mean. But ol Lincoln here knows how to teach a lummox some manners." Lincoln cracked his fingers looking confident.

"What exactly did you do?"

"I handled him the same way I handle all muscle bound villains."

"By wussing out?"

"No. I used karate on him." Lincoln did a few karate moves. "He never knew what hit him."

"Well then what happened?"

"I woke up. Uh, I mean I-"

"I know exactly what you mean."

Lincoln looked nervous.

"You socked him with your eyes closed!"

"That is exactly what happened!" Lincoln fibbed. "Well I'll see you later Dad."

Lincoln walked off. His Dad watched him. "There goes a real hero."

Lincoln is walking down the sidewalk feeling proud of himself. He then sees Lynn's friend Margo. She is skateboarding and doing some tricks.

"Totally stuck that landing." She said.

"Hey Margo." Lincoln greeted.

Margo noticed Lincoln's black eye. "Oh man, look at your eye! That's quite a shiner you've got there. Well don't you worry, I know some natural remedies that'll-"

"Keep your natural remedies to yourself." Lincoln said. "Manly dudes like me don't need them. I'll have you know I got this black eye in a fight."

"A fight?" Margo said. "Well there's no shame in losing."

"Lose? Margo, I taught the guy who tangled with me a lesson he shouldn't forget."

"Why? Did he write it down?"

"No. I engraved it on his pain gland."

"Well, what dude gets in a fight with you and loses?"

"Oh, this was not just any dude. It was the notorious outlaw Jack M. Crazyman!"

Margo looked surprised. "Jack M. Crazyman?"

"It all happened late last night."

I was walking home from my friend Clyde's house alone when all of a sudden Crazyman sprang up out of nowhere. He hit with a giant shovel. Then he stood over me to gloat. I jumped up and karate kicked his hair piece right off of its snaps. He was so ashamed he ran home crying to his mommy. So in my moment of victory, I decided to get myself a can of soda.

"So how'd you get the black eye then?" Margo questioned.

"Huh? Oh right!"

I miscalculated the trajectory of my can and I jabbed myself in the eye, giving me an awful shiner.

Lincoln's watch was beeping. He checked the time.

"Well, it looks like you're gonna be late for school killer." Margo said.

"Late schmate. A tough guy like me can show up to school whenever he wants. Later."

Lincoln walked off.

At school in Mrs. Johnson's class, Mrs. Johnson was checking the time of the clock. "Well, it appears Lincoln is thirteen minutes late. Maybe he's sick or he got into a horrible accident."

Just then, Lincoln came in. She saw his black eye. "Well looks like I was right about the accident part."

Everyone saw his black eye. Lincoln walked up to Chandler and showed his black eye up close. Chandler was disgusted.

"Yeah, that's right pal, you want don't any of this."

He walked up to the new girl Stella, and Zach and showed them his black eye.

"Do you mind?" Zach said disgusted. "You're gonna make lose my breakfast."

"That's right." Lincoln walked up to the front of the class.

"Um Lincoln, what are you-" Mrs. Johnson started to say.

"Dah dah dah dah, I'm just gonna stop you right there Mrs. Johnson. Spare you the oxygen. We all know you weaker folk can't afford to waste it." He turned his attention to the students. "Alright people, listen up cause I'm only gonna day this once! Tough guys don't like to repeat themselves. I'm talking to you fatty!"

Lincoln pointed to a fat boy who was in the classroom.

"Now you're all probably wondering how I got this black eye."

"Not really." Chandler said.

"Ok, who said that? Was it you fatty?"

The fat kid shook his head.

"It was me! I said it!" Chandler said. Lincoln hissed at him and he cringed.

"Well folks, I don't happen to see it as a shiner so much as a shining trophy of my triumph of the forces of evil. Now I know what you're thinking, who on Earth would want to tangle with a guy like Lincoln Loud? Well I'll tell ya who."

It was a peaceful morning in Royal Woods. I emerged from my house wearing my usual attire when a wanted cry of distress pounded against my eardrums. I quickly located the source of the cry which was a victim tied to my feet. (It was the girl who looked like Girl Jordan from his dream)

"Don't worry, I'll save you!" I assured. And suddenly, a giant shuttlecock struck me in the face.

"That seems unreal Lincoln." Clyde said.

"He's got a point." Liam said.

"Hey, let's save all questions for the end." Lincoln said.

Anyway, the hurler was none other than Jack M. Crazyman. And I could tell by that cold sore on his lip that today he meant business. With catlike reflexes I preempted his attack. But the scoundrel had me sabotaged and I fell down in a pile of extra sticky honey. He lunged at me but I got him in the ribs with a novelty tickler toy from my sister Luan. Down he fell like a mighty oak. And there he lay. The very thought of being vanquished made Jack M. Crazyman burst into tears. The force of his crying was so strong I had to take evasive action. But one of the blasts went haywire and hit me right in the face.

"And that's how I got this black eye." Lincoln finished. "By giving Jack M. Crazyman the whomping of a lifetime. Whoo! Football!"

Everyone just stared at him.

"Uh, What did you say he looked like again?" Asked one kid.

"Oh, kinda tall. Handlebar mustache."

"Little green hat?"

"I kinda thought it was teal but that sounds like him all right...Wait a minute, how did you know he was wearing a green hat?"

Then someone enters the classroom. Everyone gasped at who it was. It was Jack M. Crazyman!

"He's real?" Lincoln said worried.

"I'm looking for Lincoln Loud." Mr. Crazyman said.

Lincoln goes up to him. "Mr. Crazyman, please don't skin me alive! I made up all that stuff. I was just kidding about whomping you, right guys? You remember."

"I liked the part where you told us he was crying like a baby." The fat kid said.

Crazyman glared at Lincoln.

"I'll be right back!" Lincoln ran out of the classroom. He went to the lost and found. Luckily, he was able to find toothpaste and a wrench. He went back to Mrs. Johnson's class.

"Ok look, I had a toothpaste tube like this." Lincoln explained. "But I couldn't get it open cause the cap was stuck. And I guess I haven't been working my arms out lately so I opened it up like this."

He hits the tube with the wrench to get the cap off. He started walking.

"Then I was walking like this and I didn't see where the cap was like this. So I slipped on it and landed right on my wrench like this."

Lincoln's incident causes him to get a second black eye.

"And I gave myself a black eye like this. I mean, like these. So you see, I made it all up so I could keep from looking stupid. Makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Um...not really." Crazyman replied. "I'm here to inform you that I'm your new art teacher."

In art class, Lincoln had made an art sculpture of Ace Savvy. He just needed to add some paint to it. He got a paint tube and tried to squirt some paint but the tube was aimed at Crazyman. Lincoln ended up squirting paint onto his face.

"...Oops." Lincoln said nervously. "Sir, I am so sorry. Let me-"

"Where I'm from sorry doesn't cut it." Crazyman said. "We settle things in a different way."

The teacher and Lincoln got into a game of Rock Paper Scissors. The teacher did rock and Lincoln did paper. But then, Crazyman switched it to paper. Lincoln realized he was in a similar situation from his dream.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"