A/N: How's everyone coping in isolation? I had a few rough days that might have helped push this chapter along, but today I'm feeling a lot better!
Credits again to Jordon (littleoblivion) for the second half of this chapter - one of the many snippets she has written that will definitely make their way into the story for you guys to enjoy!
Snow had come down with a vengeance, covering Pittsburgh in its white fury. Given that the Jareaus were finally heading to Florida the next morning to spend Christmas with Jason and Katie, Will had come over to spend the afternoon hanging out with JJ and had ended up staying for dinner. Now, he and JJ were cuddled together on her bed, watching one last movie before he went home. Laughter floated up the stairs and through the open door, telling them that her parents were thoroughly enjoying the comedy movie they had picked out to watch themselves.
JJ and Will had been silent for a while, their attention fixed on the movie before them. But deep in the pit of JJ's stomach, a weight like a rock sat there. It had taken up residence when the anxiety over having finished the Olympics set in, and it only seemed to get heavier with each passing day.
She was sad. It had taken her a while to realize it, but she was. Sad that her biggest dream was over, sad that she didn't know what to do next. More than once, uncontrollable tears had set in late at night, when she lay awake tossing and turning in her bed. She'd trained her whole life, for a measly two weeks. And now, she was an eighteen year old Olympic Champion with no feasible hopes for the future. It made her stomach twist with anxiety every time it crossed her mind. And it crossed her mind often, because quite often, she couldn't switch her mind off.
As much as she wished she could.
"Something interesting happened to me at university the other day," Will said suddenly, chuckling as he spoke. "I got asked out by a dude"
JJ forced a laugh, hoping it didn't sound as hollow to Will as it did to her. "What did you say?"
"Well, after I found my tongue again, I told him I had a girlfriend. I didn't really know what else to say," Will chuckled. "It was kinda funny"
"Do you get asked out much?" JJ asked absently.
"I've had one or two offers. Turned them down of course," Will said with a smile, nudging her side. "Not really into polygamy"
"If you want to sleep with other girls at university, you can. I won't care," JJ said suddenly, avoiding looking over at Will. A stunned silence fell between them, leaving nothing but the sound of the two characters talking on screen.
Taken aback, Will frowned. He turned and stared at her for a moment, before slowly pushing himself up to a sitting position. "Uh… why… why would I do that?" he asked in a bewildered voice.
JJ shrugged. "Because you can"
Will made a noise that was somewhere between disbelief and confusion. "But… I'm not going to?"
"Then don't. I'm just saying if you want to, I won't care," JJ said quietly, picking at her fingernails as she continued to avoid his eyes.
Shaking his head as if to try and understand what was happening, Will sat back against the pillows, running a hand through his hair. "So you're giving me permission… to cheat on you"
"It's not cheating if I gave you permission"
"JJ, what are you doing?" Will said suddenly, pushing himself up again. "Are you trying to make me break up with you?"
"No," JJ said simply, finally lifting her face.
"Then what… obviously… JJ, I'm not going to sleep with other people, you're my girlfriend, you're the only person I want to-" Will stammered, catching himself at the end of the sentence. He exhaled heavily, taking a moment to recollect himself. "I'm not that kind of person, ok? I'm with you, and only you"
Without warning, JJ turned, throwing her leg over Will's.
"Wha-"
"Prove it," she spat.
"Prove what?"
"That you're only with me," JJ replied, and Will was surprised to see her eyes filling up with tears.
"Do you think I'm cheating on you? Or that I will eventually cheat on you? Is that why you're trying to give me permission?" Will asked, his hands coming to rest on her waist as he looked up at her. "Are you trying to protect yourself?"
"You're going to eventually decide you don't want to be with me. That's fine," JJ said tearfully, her heart aching painfully in her chest as the weight in her stomach got even heavier. "I'm too inexperienced for you, and you're going to get bored"
"JJ, no… I love you. I've always loved you-"
"Then prove it," JJ said again, and to Will's surprise, she reached down, tugging her t-shirt up and over her head. As she cast it aside, the tears in her eyes seemed to well out of control. "Have sex with me"
"JJ-"
"If you really love me, if you really want to only be with me, you'll have sex with me right now"
"That's a very manipulative thing for you to say," Will said gently, his brow furrowing in concern. At that, the dam broke, and the tears began to spill down her cheeks. Despite the fact that she was sitting in his lap wearing nothing above her waist except her bra, his eyes never left hers.
"What's going on with you?" he asked softly, lightly stroking the skin above the waistband of her shorts with his thumb.
"Why won't you just do it?" JJ asked through tears. "Why won't you just have sex with me? I know that's what you want, I know that's what will make you stay"
Taking a deep breath, Will reached out and picked up her shirt. With deft hands, he flipped it the right way out before gently pressing it into her hands.
"Put that back on"
JJ dropped her face, clutching the shirt to her chest. "You don't even want to look at me"
"No," Will said softly. "I think you have a beautiful body, JJ, but I know that when you calm down, you're going to feel really exposed… and I never want you to feel that way. I want you to feel safe"
Sobbing, JJ pulled away from him, clambering off of his lap as she tugged her shirt back over her head. She came to rest on the edge of the bed, her back to him as she wiped away her tears.
Slowly, Will moved across the bed until he was sitting beside her. His hand naturally came to rest on her back as he watched her with concern shining in his eyes.
"I'm not saying no because I'm not attracted to you, because… god, I am unbelievably attracted to you JJ. But more than that, I… I love you for who you are. You make my world a better place. And that's how I know that this isn't you… this is you, fighting for control because you feel like you're just drifting," he said gently. "And I don't want that to be the reason I see your body like that for the first time"
JJ looked up at him, her pale cheeks streaked with tears. Will reached out, gripping one of her hands in his and bringing it up to his mouth. Ever so softly, he pressed a kiss to her knuckles, before covering the back of her hand with his other one.
"I said no because I know you're not really ready for that. And honestly… I'm not either. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you, because I do. Maybe one day we'll take that step, but whether that day is five days, or five months, or five years away, I'll still be here"
JJ let out a little sob, allowing Will to wrap her in his arms and pull her to his chest.
"I'm sorry," she breathed. "I just… I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore"
"Yes you do," Will said softly, smoothing down her hair with his hand. "It's just buried, and it's gonna take some time before you work it out again. But we're only eighteen Jayje… you don't have to have it all figured out. Almost no-one does. Life goes best when you start with the small goals and go with the flow"
JJ didn't answer, staying wrapped in his arms as the last of her tears ebbed away. She felt so small in his embrace… but exactly like Will had wanted her to, she also felt safe. Albeit a little embarrassed. Not only had she basically exposed herself to him, she'd never cried like this in front of him before. He was her best friend, and he'd seen her through some of the best, and some of the worst, but she had never really shown him true vulnerability.
"You ok?" came his gentle voice a few minutes later. She nodded, pulling away from him and wiping her eyes. Will said nothing, simply leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her forehead, before brushing her hair back away from her eyes.
"I love you. So much. And I'm here if you want to talk about anything that's bothering you"
"I know," JJ said softly, her eyes still cast down. "I love you too"
Her eyes itched with tiredness, but she knew that the moment she laid down she wouldn't be able to fall asleep. It had quickly become a routine since coming home from the Kellogg's tour; she would stare up at the ceiling, her body antsy and restless, her eyes resolutely open. She had tried everything from warm milk and reading before bed to buying extra strength sleeping pills from the store. Nothing worked, leaving her tossing and turning until three, four, even five in the morning. Then, without fail, she would be wide awake by eight in the morning, her eyes squinting against the sun.
She just wanted a good night's sleep.
Will had long since gone home when she found herself in front of the pantry for the third time that night. Of course, she'd had dinner with Will and her parents already, but there was no filling her up. Even once her stomach was bulging and painful, she still felt the need to keep eating. It was almost as if she was just trying to silence the weight in her stomach, the noise in her head.
She pulled out a can of spaghetti-os and poured them into a bowl. It was a good thing almost all of her clothing was stretchy because this constant need to gorge herself was causing her to gain some weight. Her body constantly felt sluggish and slow, as if she were wading through murky water. What was happening to her?
The microwave began to beep and she pulled out the bowl without paying attention, noticing too late that the bowl was hot.
"Shit!" she gasped, reactively loosening her grip. It slipped from her hands and clattered to the counter, the boiling hot marinara sauce splashing up onto her shirt.
She immediately felt her eyes fill with tears as she realized what she had done. It wasn't just any shirt; it was the official Olympic team tee that they had been given in London. The white fabric was now marred with red stains, and she couldn't stop the sobs from coming forth.
"JJ?" She turned to see her mom standing in the doorway of the kitchen, her face concerned. "Honey, what's wrong?"
"It's… It's ruined!" Her fingers plucked at the front of her shirt holding it out for her mom to see.
"Hey, it's okay. Here I can treat the stains right now, I bet we can get them out."
"No! Don't you see? It's done for! We can't put it back."
"Don't freak out-"
"I'm not freaking out!" JJ yelled. Michael came to stand behind Sandy.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"It's all gone. Everything I worked for it's, it's, it's… gone! I spend my entire, entire freaking life in the gym, not going out, missing school, what was it all for?" She gasped for breath.
"It was for the Olympics, sweetheart, where you did so well!" Michael took a few steps toward her but she pulled back.
"But what about now? Where do I go? What's next? I, I, I went to the Olympics sure, but what do I do now? I have nothing!"
"JJ, you need to calm down-"
"I can't!" JJ yelled, cutting off her mother. "It's all over. It's gone! I have nothing left, not even this tee shirt, because it's RUINED!" Her breathing became even faster, choking in her throat.
"Michael where is the packet they gave us? The one about post-competition depression?" Sandy murmured quickly under her breath as they helplessly watched her start to hyperventilate.
"I don't- I don't know! We didn't think we would need it so I put it… somewhere."
"Find it." Sandy stepped toward JJ. "Hey, you've got to calm down. You can't get this worked up."
"I'm not worked up!" JJ insisted, tears and snot running down her face. "It's just the truth."
"JJ. Take a deep breath."
"I… can't!" JJ sobbed.
"Try. C'mon honey. Breathe. In and out."
"I can't find it!" Michael called from the office, his voice becoming more panicked as JJ's cries became more and more hysterical.
"JJ! Look at me. Look." Sandy took her by the shoulders and turned her so that they were nearly face to face. "Breath in, 2, 3, 4. Hold, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4. In, 2, 3, 4, hold, 2, 3, 4, out 2, 3, 4"
Slowly JJ's breathing began to even out, even if her tears didn't stop. When she was finally calmer, Sandy wrapped her arms around her and pulled JJ to her chest. "You're okay. You're okay."
"What if this is it? What if I've peaked at 18, and I never do anything else great for the rest of my life?"
"That's not what is going to happen-"
"It might! Most people who go to the Olympics never go back. And then what do you do? Go on ESPN every few years? Mom, I'm done."
Sandy tightened her hold. "Even if you don't go back to the Olympics, that doesn't mean you'll never do anything great. Jaybird, think about all of the great things still ahead of you! You're going to experience the timeless wonder of love, get married, have children. You're going to find a career path that you love, something where you achieve greatness every day. You're an Olympian, but you are so much more than that. Okay?" She pulled back to look at her daughter's face.
"I just feel so lost," JJ confided in a whisper. "Since I was eleven, my whole world was London 2012. I don't know what to do now that it's over."
Sandy smoothed her hair back and pressed a kiss to her forehead, trying to quell her own tears as she did. "I think maybe you should talk to someone. Someone who is used to dealing with these kinds of things. Maybe… I don't know, maybe the Karolyis can recommend someone?"
JJ shook her head vehemently. "No! I don't want Martha to know that I'm a wreck. If she knows then I'll never go back to the Olympics, whether I want to or not. She can't know."
Sandy pursed her lips. "JJ, this is normal, the Olympic Committee specifically gave us a packet in case this happened."
"She can't know, I can't tell Martha!" JJ insisted.
"Okay! Okay. We won't ask Martha. But we're going to ask Nick. Maybe Aly's coach will know a sports therapist, maybe Alicia went through this. But I really think you need to talk to someone."
JJ pressed her face into Sandy's shoulder. "I'm just so tired."
Sandy saw Michael come back into the kitchen, the packet clutched in his hand and the two shared a concerned look. "I know you are, honey. I know."