A/N: Writer's block is kicking my ass, so I'm trying not to force myself to write if I'm not feeling it, otherwise it feels like a chore. Luckily, my muse has long prepared me for this, so I can still piece together some chapters for you even when my brain is not playing along!

"JJ?"

Her mom's voice was quiet, but even so, JJ could hear the concern that she knew would be written all over her face. She made no move to acknowledge her mom, staying completely still beneath the blankets.

"JJ, I… I'm really worried about you," Sandy said gently, and JJ heard her take a step into the room. "Dr Davis called because you didn't show up to your session last night. I told her everything that's happened, and she would really like to see you"

"Just leave me alone," JJ mumbled, the tears rising again as she thought of having to rehash everything with her therapist. Wasn't it painful enough to deal with it once?

"No. No, I'm not going to leave you alone, JJ. I don't care if you're an adult… right now, you're scaring the shit out of me and I need to know you're ok-"

"Ok?!" JJ spat, throwing the covers back as she launched herself upright. "Of course I'm not fucking ok!"

Sandy recoiled, trying her hardest to keep her composure even as JJ began to cry in earnest in the middle of the bed.

"I can't do this anymore," JJ sobbed. "I don't want to do any of it. Gymnastics, this town, any of it, all of it can go to hell. Everything just reminds me of something sad"

Sandy moved a little closer, her heart aching painfully as she watched her daughter breaking down in front of her.

"Why does all of this happen to me? Why am I the only one that the tragic bullshit happens to? Simone, Mackenzie, Laurie, they all get to have happy normal fucking lives, and I'm the one that has family members dying left right and centre and people walking out on me when it gets too fucking hard," JJ cried, her words catching in the sobs leaving her mouth. Her face was red, tears running full force down her skin, and Sandy wanted nothing more than to sit there and cry with her, but right now, she had to be the strong one.

"And then on top of all of that, I can't even process grief like a normal person!" JJ exclaimed, one of her hands tearing through her hair. "I get… this, whatever this bullshit is!"

"JJ-"

"Please don't touch me!"

Sandy pulled back; she had reached out to take JJ's hand, to try and comfort her as best as she knew.

"I just can't keep living like this," JJ sobbed desperately. "I don't want to die, I don't want to be like Ros, but I can't… I'm never going to be happy because whenever I've been happy, something awful happens"

JJ's words were coming in ragged breaths, and suddenly, to Sandy's shock, there was blood coming from her nose. Through swollen eyes and heaving sobs, JJ wiped at it with the sleeve of her sweater, before folding over and clutching her chest. Her shoulders began to heave and she began to gasp.

"I can't breathe," she cried tearfully, and suddenly Sandy could clearly hear her hyperventilating as she tried to draw in air.

"It's ok," she said quickly, moving towards the edge of JJ's bed. "I'm going to put my hand on your back, ok?" With a gentle touch, she tipped JJ forward, guiding her until her nose was over her knees. "Breathe out. You're alright," Sandy said gently. "You've just worked yourself up and your body is going into panic mode. Try to breathe out before you do anything else"

"I can't… I can't," JJ gasped, her hands clenching tighter against her chest.

"JJ," Sandy said firmly, sitting in front of her and placing her hands on her shoulders. "Force the air out of your lungs. I know it's hard, but you have to breathe"

It seemed to take forever, with JJ scrabbling, gasping for air. But eventually, she managed to get control over her own lungs, and she was breathing evenly once more.

"You're ok," Sandy breathed through tears. "I know life hasn't been fair to you. But you're here, you're alive, and you're still fighting every single day to be here, which I think is… amazing, JJ"

"I don't want to do it anymore," JJ said in a teary whisper. "I can't"

"Yes you can," Sandy said gently, tipping JJ's face up so she could see her. "You can, and you will. I'm not letting you fight through this alone, ok? You're all I have left in this godforsaken town and I am not going to let you drown in all this sadness"

JJ sniffed, wiping her eyes. Her shoulders sagged, and Sandy knew she was defeated.

"I think we should get out of the house," Sandy said gently.

"No," JJ mumbled, dropping her gaze to her lap.

"I think it'll be good for you. Even if you don't even get out of the car, even if all you can do is cry… I think we both need to get out of this house for a little while," Sandy said softly, brushing JJ's hair back from her eyes. "Why don't we go to Erie? You always used to love it when we took you up there"

JJ shrugged, wiping her cheeks again. Sandy leaned down, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"Go and have a shower, and we'll go for a drive. Get some fresh air"

It had taken a huge effort, but eventually, JJ was curled up in the front seat in leggings and a sweatshirt while her mom drove them along the highway to Erie. Her head rested against the window, her eyes watching as the scenery whipped by beneath the cold grey sky. Her entire body ached. Her head and eyes throbbed from crying, but the rest of her body just seemed to hurt all over, like a flu.

"Look, there's that cafe you made us stop at every single time we passed it because it had a sign out front saying 'World's Best Chocolate Cake'," Sandy said with a chuckle. JJ stayed silent, not even lifting her head as they passed the little blue building.

Maybe her mom could just keep driving. Past Erie, past all these towns, along the bank of Lake Erie towards Niagara Falls. Away from Pittsburgh, away from Pennsylvania, even away from the United States. Away from the city that had done nothing but house her pain. They could start fresh in Canada. A new town, a new house. Somewhere she could have a fresh start and heal.

Right now, running away felt like the only option that would save her from herself.

"You know… every morning when I wake up… there's a split second when everything seems ok. A split second where Michael is downstairs making coffee, and he's healthy, and everything is… as it was," Sandy said softly, her eyes fixed on the road. "And then… I fully wake up. And I remember that he's gone." She took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, JJ could hear tears in her voice. "Every single morning, it's like losing him all over again, and it tears me apart"

Sluggishly, JJ lifted her head, looking over at her mom.

"But I still have you," Sandy said gently, taking deep breaths to try and keep her composure. "We both lost your dad. We both feel that pain. He was… the best person I have ever known. I miss everything about him"

Unable to find the words to respond to her mom, JJ tipped her head back against the window, closing her eyes and swallowing hard to stem the tears.

As awful as it all felt, her mom's constant love and support was enough to give her a fraction of hope that she wasn't as alone in the world as she thought she was.

The wind whipped at her fiercely as she sat perched on top of the wooden table, gazing out over the steely gray waters of Lake Erie. Her whole body was consumed by sadness. But her mom had been right. Getting out of the house, the house where nothing but horrible things had happened to her, had helped lift a little of the weight off her shoulders.

"Here. I got you a tea"

She turned her head as her mom approached, gratefully taking the warm takeaway cup. She clutched it between her hands, wanting all the warmth as her mom climbed up to sit beside her. They sat together in silence, not sure what to say to each other in the wake of everything that had happened.

After a while, Sandy set her cup down beside her, before reaching over and taking one of JJ's hands. "I know you're in pain," she said softly. "And I don't want you to 'just get over it' because that's not how healing works. But I want to help you… I just don't know how"

JJ let out a heavy breath, also setting her cup down on the wooden table top as her mom squeezed her other hand. "The way I feel… it's scary. What I said to you in hospital is true… I don't want to die. I can't fathom doing that to you or Jason. But I just… feel so lost. I don't want to be here. I don't want to deal with any of this," she said softly, her voice hoarse from tears.

"You want to run away," Sandy said knowingly.

"I want to get as far away from it all as I can," JJ said, her voice cracking as she lost her composure yet again. "I just feel so sad… all the time. And I don't know how to make it stop. I've lost my sister, my dad, and now the one person who I loved more than anything in the world can't bear to deal with me anymore. I know you've also lost a daughter and a husband, I know this pain I'm feeling isn't in solitary… but I just don't know what to do anymore"

Sandy let out a long sigh, lifting her hand away from JJ's and putting it around her daughter's thin shoulders.

"Then you fight. You keep going to therapy and you fight until you figure out where this path is taking you. Because I know that a lot of this is coming from the complex grief and the PTSD. And you can't fight that alone, you have to let the therapists help you, let me help you," she said gently. JJ turned, pressing her face into her mom's shoulder as the sobs came back in full force. Sandy tightened her arms, pulling JJ against her and resting her cheek against the top of JJ's head.

"I just don't want to feel like this anymore," JJ sobbed, the pain in her voice going through Sandy's heart like a knife. "I want to feel like me again"

"You will," Sandy breathed, her own voice beginning to crack. "I promise you will. We just have to fight a bit to get you there"

The sun was sinking in the sky when they arrived back home in Pittsburgh, casting a brilliant orange glow over the wisps of clouds floating by. The atmosphere around their house felt somewhat lighter… calmer than it had that morning.

"I don't think I have it in me to cook dinner… how about we order a pizza? Have a movie night?" Sandy suggested with a smile as she turned the key in the lock. JJ hesitated, wanting nothing more than to just go upstairs and crawl into bed, but she knew that wasn't conducive to getting better. So instead, she managed a smile, nodding at her mom.

"That sounds like fun"

"Jeez, where have you guys been?"

The voice sounded from the next room as the front door closed behind them. Recognizing it instantly, JJ made a beeline for it, rounding the corner to find Jason and Katie sitting on the sofa in the lounge room. Her face lighting up, Jason was barely on his feet before she'd thrown herself at him. He caught her easily, wrapping her up in a big brother bear hug.

"What are you doing here?" JJ asked, her voice wavering yet again even as it muffled into his T-shirt.

"My little sister is going through hell… there's nowhere else I'd be right now," he said gently, squeezing her tightly before pulling back. "And when I get hold of Will, he's gonna regret it"

JJ shook her head. "He had every right to leave… I'm… honestly surprised he hung around this long," she said sadly as Katie came up beside her and pulled her into a warm embrace.

"We're here for you. But tonight, how about we order that pizza and have that movie night you and your mom were talking about?" Katie said with a grin.

JJ managed a cheeky smile. "Sure. But I get to pick the movie"

Jason groaned. "If it's Mean Girls, I'm flying back to Miami"