A/N: It's coming along slowly!
Standing in the middle of his old room, Will stared hopelessly at the wall.
It felt like a remnant of an old life. For the last time he had lived in this room, he hadn't yet met JJ. She hadn't marched into his life and turned it completely upside down.
Turning slightly, he sat himself down on the bed. It was now a guest room, with a much bigger bed than he had had before, but oddly, a sense of comfort washed over him as he settled. As he did so, a gentle knock sounded at the door behind him, making him turn to see who was behind him.
"Just came to see if you're alright," his mother said gently as she slowly made her way into the room. "I know you're goin' through a lot, and I'm here if you need someone to be a soundin' board"
Like a torrent, the tears came, weeks' worth of pent up emotions flowing down his cheeks like rivers. Janine hurried forward, sitting down beside him and pulling him into her arms. "I don't know what to do Mom," he sobbed, burying his face in his mother's shoulder.
"I know," Janine said softly, hugging him tightly as she rocked him back and forth. "It's ok to not have it figured out right now. Maybe it's best to just let it play out on its own"
"I can't even look at her. All I see is her cheating on me… all I see is red. I'm just… so… angry. All the time"
"I know," Janine said again. "I think you just need time, Billy. You've both been through a lot, and now you have some time apart, a chance to really sort through everythin' on your own terms"
"Even with all of that… I'm just so confused," Will said tearfully, straightening up and casting his eyes down towards the floor as his mom kept a comforting arm around his shoulders. "She's my best friend, I've loved her for years… and even with everything that's happened, that doesn't just go away"
Janine nodded knowingly. "That's understandable… you know JJ perhaps better than anyone else… and I think a part of you is sayin' that if she wasn't hurtin' so badly herself, she wouldn't have hurt you the way she did"
"Do you think I'm wrong? For being so upset?" Will asked, lifting his face and looking at his mom. "I feel like I've blown it way out of proportion, but I spent months trying to help her through her grief only for her to throw it back in my face"
"No, I don't think you're wrong," Janine said gently. "I think you're fightin' a massive battle with yourself. You want to be mad… you are mad, and you have every right to be… but you also want to fix it, you know how you've felt about her all these years. You're tryin' to justify how you feel right now, because your heart is tryin' to justify how you've always felt before"
Will took a deep breath, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand. "I just… I need time. Space. To figure it all out"
"You take all the time you need, Billy," Janine said gently. "We're all here if you need us"
"JJ, if you're willing, I'd like to try treating you with an antidepressant in combination with your talk therapy. I think it will help you stabilize your moods and be able to tackle each day a little easier. It wouldn't be a permanent thing… it's just a tool we can use to help you get better in the long run"
JJ hadn't seen much point in arguing with Dr Hernandez when she had floated the idea of medication. And so, she had come home with a prescription for sertraline, and she only hoped it would help as much as Dr Hernandez seemed to think it would.
A couple of days later, Sandy was up early, happily preparing a proper cooked breakfast for them all. Despite the sad circumstances that had brought them all together, she was loving having their little family all together again, and even more so, she was loving having Jason to cook for; JJ didn't eat much these days, but Sandy could always count on Jason to finish everything she cooked.
Hearing a noise at the doorway, she looked up, surprised to find JJ standing shakily before her. "Hey, you ok? I wasn't expecting you to be up before eight at the earliest"
"I feel like shit," JJ mumbled, crossing the room until she was standing near the counter, and leaning heavily against it. "I can't stop shaking, my legs hurt when I sit still, and I feel like I'm going to throw up"
"Maybe you should go and have a shower, see if that helps you feel a bit better," Sandy said gently.
"I wanted to go to training but I don't think that's going to happen"
"JJ," Sandy said sternly. "Nick doesn't want you anywhere near the gym until you're in a better headspace. You can't make this go away by punishing your body physically, you know that"
JJ sighed, but barely seconds later, she was diving for the sink, her shaking legs barely supporting her as she vomited into the basin. She barely had time to take a breath before another wave came up, prompting Sandy to grab her by the shoulders and steady her as she heaved.
When it stopped, JJ let out a groan, leaning heavily on the edge of the sink and dropping her head into her hands. "I'm so fucking sick of feeling like this," she said thickly, her voice betraying to Sandy just how on the edge she was. "I was already sad, I already hated myself, now these fucking meds make me want to fucking kill myself, I'm so over it"
Without warning, she collapsed, falling back against the cabinets and sinking to the floor. She pressed her head back against the wooden door, biting her lip as she tried desperately to keep the tears at bay. "When is this going to end, Mom?" she asked, her voice suddenly so small and so broken that Sandy wanted to cry.
"I… I don't know, Jayje… I really don't," Sandy replied, slowly dropping down to the floor to sit opposite her daughter. "But… I know that sitting alone with your thoughts all the time… it's not helping you. I know you've been through some awful things. We lost your dad, and I know that's been so… so goddamn hard for you. And that's ok, Jayje. You're allowed to be upset and you're allowed to struggle with that. You're only 22… most people don't have to bury their parent at 22. God, I lost my dad when I was 45 and that was devastating! Then add to that that you had to deal with the immediate grief of that loss in an extremely public way. But you never got a chance to grieve, JJ. Because one thing snowballed into another and next thing we knew, it was January and it had been nearly 5 months since he died and you hadn't even begun to process that yet." Sandy stopped, reaching out and placing a hand on JJ's knee as she took a deep breath. "I've never been at all surprised by what happened in Los Angeles"
JJ tipped her head down, looking at her mother with curious, wet eyes.
"You were a ticking time bomb. You were one when Ros died, you were one when the Olympic year rolled around, you were one when your dad was diagnosed, and you became one again when he died. I spent 5 months waiting for you to explode. Because I knew it was coming. So did Will. And there was absolutely nothing he or I could do to stop it because we couldn't force you to talk, we couldn't force you to actually process what you were feeling. I knew it was a matter of time… and when I saw the newspapers the next morning before you had even arrived home, those pictures of you being dragged out of that club by Will, clearly drunk as hell and high out of your mind, I felt sick. You had had a Chernobyl level meltdown and I hadn't been there to help you"
JJ stayed quiet, watching as her mom sat before, opening her heart and spilling everything she had clearly been keeping locked away since the nightmare had begun.
"What did surprise me was how much of an implosion had occurred between you and Will. I knew whatever had happened in LA hadn't been in any way good… and it took me quite a while to understand why he is so upset. You both have every right to be upset. A lot happened. A lot that would be difficult for fully grown adults who've lived longer lives than you to process. I don't know what the outcome is going to be… but I know that you have every right to struggle with processing what happened." Sandy took a deep breath, pushing her hair back from her face with her free hand. "You're an amazing girl, JJ. I know you don't feel it right now, and I don't blame you, these last few weeks in particular have been pretty rough. But you have always brought so much love and light into people's lives. I don't ever want that to change. All I want is for you to be happy. And maybe right now we have to put in some hard work to be able to get you there. But I mean what I said in the hospital, JJ… I'm not going to let you drown under all this sadness"
Her eyes filling with tears, JJ nodded once, before opening her mouth to speak. "You have to let me train," she said in a thick whisper. "I know you're trying to protect me… but gymnastics might help me take my mind off of everything. It helps me stay fit and strong. It gives me something to work towards, a goal to keep me motivated. I know you think I'll use it as some kind of punishment for myself, but I won't"
Sandy bit her lip, considering JJ's words for a moment. Then she nodded. "Alright… once you're adjusted to these meds and you're feeling better, I guess going to training might not be the worst thing. But I want you to work with Nick to figure out a training plan that's going to work. And you need to listen to him if he thinks you shouldn't be doing something"
JJ nodded again, wiping beneath her eyes as she took a deep breath to try and stem her tears.
"JJ, I don't know what your future holds… but I'm not going to let what is happening now become your defining moment, ok? I'm here for you. Always. Because I'm your mom, and all I want is for you to be safe, loved, and happy"
Without a word, JJ shuffled forward, crawling over until she was practically in Sandy's lap. She wrapped her arms around her mom, feeling a sense of comfort wash over her when Sandy returned the gesture. It felt like hours that they sat there, a broken pair who were somehow still standing, comforting each other in the quiet expanse of the big old house that had once held so much life.
"Why aren't you at work?" JJ murmured after a while, never raising her head from Sandy's shoulder.
Sandy let out a heavy breath. "I… I took a leave of absence. After Los Angeles, I took some sick leave, but after… after you were in the hospital, I filed for indefinite unpaid leave"
JJ lifted her head, her face filled with worry. "Mom… you shouldn't have-"
"But I did," Sandy silenced her gently. "Because my family comes first, and you need me right now… besides, it's been good for me. I think I went back too soon after your dad died. Even with everything that's going on… it's been nice to spend time away from work"
JJ stayed silent, pondering her mother's words.
"It really is ok, JJ. We're all going through some shit, but hopefully, in twelve months time, we'll be able to look back and say 'wow, we really did that'"
Looking up, JJ managed a smile. "Yeah… hopefully we will"