A/N: I'm so excited to get to the next lot of my plans for this story.

jenniferjareau94
Quite honestly, I don't remember this night very well at all, and I'd rather forget that it even happened. So believe me… I'm not posting this picture because I'm proud of what happened. I'm posting it because I think it's very important that I acknowledge it, and even more important that I be completely honest with you all about what happened. I've always worked very hard to be as real and as honest as I can be with you all, and I know that when these pictures and the accompanying articles surfaced online, I let most of you down. For that, I'm truly sorry.

That night was a painful night for me. I was angry, and I was hurting… so I dragged Aly and Will to the Golden Globes after party. Aly was under the impression I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and let my hair down a little. The real reason was because I wanted to search for something, ANYTHING, that would help me release even a little bit of the hurt I was feeling inside. And at that party, I found plenty of it. I drank well past my limit, downing harder liquor than I knew I was capable of handling, and I took recreational drugs. I still don't know what I took, and I am well aware that I'm incredibly lucky it didn't kill me. Once I had already well and truly humiliated myself, I took it a step further, and started fooling around with a random guy whose name I didn't even know. My engagement ring was still on my finger.

Thankfully, I'm blessed. Blessed to have friends and family who recognize when I'm not acting in a normal way. Aly immediately recognized that I was engaging in self-destructive behavior and got Will to come and get me, which he did. Even if he did have to drag me out by my wrists, I'm glad he did it.

I caused everyone who loves me undue amounts of pain that night, and I know many of you were shocked, angry, and upset when the news surfaced the following morning. My behavior was reckless, inappropriate, and completely out of line, but most importantly, it finally led to something I have never been more grateful for – a diagnosis.

I've been diagnosed with complicated grief disorder and PTSD. CGD is a high risk form of grief that, along with the PTSD, finally explains many of the things I've been struggling with since my dad passed away in July. Finally, I feel like things are under my own control, and with the help of a psychologist, I have a targeted therapy plan that will help me unpack, sort through, and move on from the loss of my father. I know many of you probably think a diagnosis for grief is extreme and that I should just move on, but I promise it's real; if I could just move on, I most certainly would have done so by now.

It doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain it. From the bottom of my heart, I want to apologise to any and all who I've let down and upset. I've always striven to be a good role model for you all, and I failed. Today, I want to acknowledge my faults, accept that I have issues, and promise you all that I am working hard to be the best, healthiest, and happiest version of myself I can be.

I love you all very much. Thank you for the ongoing support. What happened in Los Angeles is not going to happen again, and once more, I am truly sorry to anyone I hurt with my actions.

|jareaumanar|

Shit, JJ's Instagram post made me cry. Poor girl can't catch a break.

|flipflyonodi|

Nah, she's still a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

|tkatchevmeifyoucan|

You know, you only come on here to spout hate about JJ because you know it's gonna get a rise out of people. JJ's been through a lot, probably more than any of us could ever begin to imagine, and you just hang around here to be a dick. How about you fuck off and let us enjoy the gymternet in peace, and let it be a safe space for all. Just because you don't seem to have a shred of empathy doesn't mean you have to be an asshole to someone who's clearly fighting through every single day.

Days bled by, and JJ found herself adjusting to the medication, with the side effects gradually depleting until she got through two days before realizing she hadn't felt nauseous once.

With the physical side effects gone, she got up early on a cool spring Tuesday morning and packed her gym bag. She wasn't overly hungry, but she knew her body needed fuel, so she forced down an apple, some yoghurt, and a granola bar, before heading upstairs to get dressed. Eventually, she was out the door on the way to the gym, dressed in black leggings, a white crop top, and an oversized T-shirt. It didn't escape her notice that her clothes were looser on her than they had previously been, but she forced the thought out of her mind as she drove along familiar roads, winding her way towards the safe haven that had always been her second home.

Nick wasn't in when she arrived, but Teagan was, and she let JJ in with a warm smile and a soft hello. They exchanged short conversation as they set about preparing for the day, as the streams of training groups started coming through the door. Kate and Clem rolled in about fifteen minutes after JJ did, eagerly giving their older gym buddy a hug before heading off with Teagan to begin their morning training.

"Hey stranger!" Nick called half an hour later as he strolled across the floor towards where JJ was sitting, methodically stretching out each part of her body. She turned towards him, breaking into a soft smile as she got to her feet and allowed him to envelope her in a tight hug.

"I've missed you kiddo," he said quietly. "The call from your mom nearly broke my heart"

His words poked sharply at her chest, but she swallowed hard, stiffening her resolve as she pulled back and tried her best to give him a reassuring smile. "I'm… better. Not great, but… better than I was"

"Let's go and have a chat in my office," Nick said, holding an arm out to guide her towards the office. She obliged, falling into step beside him as they walked across the floor and over to the short corridor that led to his office. She was the first through the door, turning to face Nick as she leant against the back of one of the chairs. When she caught Nick's eye, the first thing she noticed was the air of sadness in his expression.

"How are you? Really?" he asked softly. "Because I've seen you at your best, and… I thought I'd seen you at your worst, but now I'm thinking I was pretty off the mark with that one"

JJ cast her gaze down at the floor, absently picking at the side of her fingernails. Suddenly Nick's gaze felt like laser beams, boring a hole in her where she stood. She watched as he moved closer to her, before he crouched down to her level and tipped her chin up towards him.

"JJ, you are such an incredible person," he said, his voice cracking as he spoke. "When your mom told me what happened, I… god, I felt like… I don't even know, but… you are so special. Your mark on this world is greater than what you leave on a gymnastics floor, because you have a kind heart and pure intentions. What happened in LA doesn't define you, nor does what happened with Will, and it doesn't have to shape your future at all"

JJ bit her lip, smiling at her coach as her eyes welled with tears. "Everyone keeps telling me that"

"Because it's true," Nick breathed, gripping her hands tightly between his own. "The thought that everything going on got you to the point where you felt suicide was the only way out… god, JJ, it breaks my heart, it really does"

"I'm… ok," JJ said softly. "Not great, but… I'm getting there"

Nick smiled sadly at her, still gripping her hands. "I'm here for you, JJ, whatever you need or want me to do to help you through this, you just have to tell me"

JJ nodded, taking a deep breath as she swallowed back the last of the tears. "Just… let me be here. To train. It helps. It gives me something to focus on"

"I can do that," Nick replied, giving her a smile before he pulled back, running a hand through his hair. "But what's your plan going forward? Are you training for the quad? Or just coming in to train for the sake of it?"

"I… don't really know," JJ said, shrugging. "I'm hoping I'll figure that out as I go"

Nick raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Yeah, I mean... I don't necessarily feel like I'm done. I mean, I at least feel like if I was done, I'd know. But I don't," JJ said simply. "I'm just hoping it will all fall into place as I go"

"Alright. Well… today, let's go and wind up Kate and Clem," Nick replied, a devilish grin spreading across his face as JJ started to laugh.

"You know you're actually supposed to be helping them qualify elite, right?"

"Yeah, but one day off won't hurt them," Nick laughed, leading the way back out to the floor, JJ just a few steps behind him. "I gave you hell when you were a teenager, and you turned out ok"

"Yeah," JJ mumbled with a grin. "Sure I did"