A/N: This one's a tearjerker!
Music was still thumping out of the bar when JJ pulled up on the verge outside. It didn't take her long to spot Will when she got out of the car, staggering towards her with a young brunette on his heels who JJ guessed must be Camilla.
"Hey, he's still pretty wasted, but he's been conscious and talking the whole time so he might be starting to sober up a bit," Camilla said with a smile. "He's been talking about you since you got off the phone"
JJ forced a smile, reaching out and taking Will's hand. "Thank you for keeping an eye on him. Do you need a ride home?"
"Uh, that's ok, I need to go to Swissvale, I don't want to put you guys out"
JJ shook her head. "Really, it's no trouble, we're heading out to East Allegheny. I'm happy to drop you off"
Camilla hesitated, before nodding and smiling. "That would be really nice. Thank you so much"
The drive out to Swissvale was quiet, with Will somehow picking up on the fact that he shouldn't say anything in front of their newfound friend. Every now and then, he would start humming Southern songs to himself, making Camilla giggle, while JJ's heart simply ached for how much she missed his little mannerisms.
Once they had dropped Camilla off, JJ started heading in the direction of her house, but as they drove down the highway, she was acutely aware of Will staring at her from the passenger seat.
"You're really pretty," he murmured a few minutes after they had left Camilla.
"Don't," JJ whispered, the tears threatening to rise back up.
"I'm sorry… I want-want to make this work, JJ, I… I know you made a mistake," Will said drunkenly, tipping his head to rest against the glass.
"Please don't," JJ said tearfully. "Don't say something you're going to regret, because you're going to wake up tomorrow morning and not remember a word of this and I'm going to be the one left heartbroken again"
"I love you"
Yet again, the words were like a knife, and JJ spent the rest of the drive back to her house quietly sniffing back her tears.
It was something akin to a Herculean effort for her to get him inside when they did get back, and by some small miracle, it was without so much noise that her mom would wake up. Eventually, she'd managed to get his shoes off and put him into her bed, a bucket and a bottle of water sitting stoically at the side of the bed.
Then, her heart hurting more than she ever thought possible, she quietly made her way into Jason's old room, burying her face into the pillow to muffle her sobs as she allowed the tears to fall and carry her off to sleep.
She opened her bedroom door early the next morning, quickly crossing the room and going to her nightstand. She knew her phone charger was in the drawer, and she wanted to get it without waking up Will, who was still passed out on his stomach. But when she opened the drawer, the contents rattled loudly, startling Will out of his sleep and into the unfamiliar surroundings.
"What the… where… why am I here?" he said hastily, staring wide eyed at JJ. Moments later, he groaned, clutching his head. "Why am I in so much pain? God, I feel like shit"
"You called me last night, completely wasted. I brought you back here because I figured that was better than you trying to make your own way home and getting hit by a car or something," JJ said flatly, folding her arms across her chest.
"Did we… oh god," Will muttered, clutching his head in his hands as he slowly pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed.
"No, we didn't," JJ said shortly. "I put you to bed in here and then I slept in Jason's room. Because contrary to popular belief, I don't fuck everything in sight"
The silence was palpable. Will took a moment, rubbing his temples, before he looked up at JJ. For the first time, it struck him how much she had grown in confidence. For right now, she was standing in front of him, her arms folded and her jaw set. "Ok… I think… I think it's time we actually talk about this," he said softly.
JJ stayed silent, staring at him harshly before turning towards the door. "Well I'm going to make you some toast first… you look like hell," she said quietly, before disappearing out of the room and onto the landing. She paused for a moment at the top of the stairs, pressing a hand to the wall to steady herself as she forced herself to take a deep breath.
Will was here. In Pittsburgh. In her room. He was talking to her. He wanted to talk about everything.
After everything she had tried so hard to fight through for the last five months, was it finally going to come to an end?
She shook herself out of her thoughts, continuing down the stairs and towards the kitchen. When she entered the kitchen, she found her mom making herself a cup of coffee.
Sandy looked up as she walked in, her tired face suddenly relaxing. "God, JJ… I heard you leave at some ungodly hour of the morning and I was worried sick. Even when I heard you come back, I wasn't even sure if everything was ok… I thought you would still be asleep right now"
"Uh, yeah, I… I couldn't sleep," JJ stammered, nervously pulling at the sleeves of her hoodie. "I… Will's here. In my room"
Sandy straightened up. "He is?"
"He… he called me last night and he was… so drunk. I went and picked him up and brought him back here and… he, um, he… wants to… wants us to talk. About everything"
Sandy said nothing, her eyes remaining fixed on her daughter as she stopped stirring the contents of her mug.
Before she could fully register it, JJ's face crumpled, tears coming in full force as ugly sobs began to spill from her lips. "I don't think I can do this"
Sandy set down the spoon, moving slowly around the counter to stand just before her daughter.
"I'm finally at a place where I'm ok," JJ sobbed, balling her fists up in the sleeves of her hoodie and pressing them hard to her brow bone. "I mean… not great, but I'm getting better. And now he's here and I'm still in love with him and it hurts so much"
"JJ," Sandy said softly, bringing her hands to her daughter's shoulders.
"I just… if we go back through all of this shit, I'm going to hurt all over again"
"Maybe you need to," Sandy said gently. "You've spent so long fighting to get above this pain… eventually you're going to have to embrace it. Let it wash back over you. But it doesn't have to be right now if you don't want it to be"
JJ sniffed, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
"Whether it's today, or next week, or next month though… I think you guys need to have that talk. Even if you remain apart… you don't want to leave things as they are right now. Otherwise it's going to hurt every time you think about him"
Letting out a shaky breath, JJ nodded, wiping beneath her eyes again. She looked down, willing the burning in her eyes to stop as her mom brushed a loose strand of hair back from her face. "I'm gonna make him something to eat… then… then I guess, we'll talk," she said weakly.
"Ok," Sandy replied. "I'll be in the study if you need me, alright?"
JJ nodded, watching for a moment as Sandy picked up her mug of coffee and walked out of the kitchen. She took a moment to just stand there, trying to gather her composure.
It would hurt. It had to hurt. Because if it didn't, it was never going to get better.
Ten minutes later, she came back into her room, carrying a plate with two pieces of plain toast, a glass of water, and some aspirin. She set them down on the nightstand without a word, before walking over to her desk chair and dropping herself down into it. They stayed like that, sitting across the room from each other in a tense silence until Will had finished eating. When he finished, he set the plate on the nightstand. Quickly downing the aspirin with some water, he took a deep breath and looked up at JJ. The silence was palpable, and it was clear neither of them knew what to say. But eventually, Will was the first one to speak.
"JJ... I… we really need to talk"
"Then talk," JJ spat, her voice wavering as her eyes burned again.
Will exhaled heavily. "You do know I'm not tryin' to hurt you, right? That's never been my intention. I'm just angry, and hurt, and confused"
"It sure as hell feels like you're trying to hurt me," JJ said, her voice giving away the lump in her throat. Will could see her eyes growing bright, but she was fighting incredibly hard to hide it. "Especially when you came to see me in the hospital after… everything, and you just… you just fucking lost it at me, and I know that wasn't fair on anyone, I know that, but I didn't need you to come and be more of a dick about it!"
"You're not blameless in this-"
"I know! Ok, I know I'm not! But what is it going to take for you to understand that I don't fucking remember making that decision, and you know I wouldn't have done that if I was in the right headspace! I know grieving and being drunk isn't an excuse, and I have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life, but I can't live with it if you just continue to throw it back in my face!"
"Ok," Will said softly, wincing as he rubbed his head. He took a deep breath, glancing up at her warily. "What… what exactly did I say when I called you last night?" he asked quietly. JJ dropped her gaze, looking down at the floor, suddenly showing great interest in her fingernails.
"You… you said you can't stop loving me. That if you had the choice, you would, because you're in so much pain and that's the only way you know how to make it stop. But you can't… and then… then you said you wanted to try and make this work. That you know I made a mistake and you want to work through it, because… you don't think you'll ever be able to stop loving me even if you tried," she said softly, never raising her eyes from the floor.
Will let out a heavy sigh, running his hand through his hair as he tried to wrap his brain around his own words. Because here, right now, he wanted to do everything in his power to push that away. When he was sober, the anger and the hurt overpowered every other emotion. But the alcohol from last night had drowned out the pain, allowing his true feelings to rise up, and now JJ knew.
He really did feel that way. He couldn't stop loving her if he tried, and he just wanted to make it all better. But every time he tried to face his thoughts, the hurt overwhelmed him and manifested in anger.
"I know you're angry with me, Will, ok, I get it. I know you're upset. But I also have no idea what happened. You know how you felt when you woke up? That sinking feeling in your stomach when you thought we'd had sex, but you didn't know? And you're trying your hardest to remember? That's how I have felt, every single day, since I woke up in Aly's hotel room. I have no idea what happened to me. You and Aly are telling me one thing, that guy says I did something else, and everyone else seems to think I had sex with him, and I can't even defend myself and set the record straight because I can't remember exactly what happened," JJ said tearfully, the last of her composure seeming to vanish. "I love you, Will, I really do, and I want to make this work as much as you seem to, but it's never going to if you can't at least try to understand what I'm feeling as well"
Will took a deep breath, shifting from where he was sitting and moving to the edge of the bed. He sat there, his shoulders slumped, as his hangover clouded mind tried to slowly plough through everything.
"JJ… I'm not tryin' to hurt you. Really… I'm not. I've been so angry at you, because when I walked into that room and found you with that guy… with his hand between your legs… it felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart. And not only that but… I tried to ask you for months if you were ok… I constantly tried to get you to talk, and you just pushed me away, until you completely exploded and took out everyone in the firin' line with you. Because I… I am so in love with you, it almost hurts. And I know, I know you have absolutely no clear memories of LA, but that image still haunts me. I can still feel all the pain and anger that I felt the very moment I walked into that room," he said slowly, lifting his face to look at her. Tears were snaking their way down her pale cheeks, but she made no effort to wipe them away. "I'm not sayin' that this," he said, gesturing between them, "is all your fault, because it isn't. But if we have any hope in hell of making this work, you need to learn to speak up when you're strugglin'. It doesn't make you any stronger to go it alone when what you really need is someone to lean on. And… if I have to live with this… this fear, that anytime you're havin' a hard time, you're going to lash out, we're not goin' to make it. I won't be able to do it"
JJ nodded slowly, more tears spilling out over her lower lashes as she pulled her knees up to her chest.
"And I… I'm goin' to try my hardest to think before I act. Because on the inside, I know you… I know you wouldn't voluntarily do the things you did, and I know you've been hurtin' more than anyone could ever begin to comprehend… but on the outside all I could see was you hurtin' me, and I didn't even stop to think about why you might have been doin' the things you did," Will said gently. "I think we still have a long way to go, but… what I said last night was true, JJ, I… I do love you. Somewhere, under everythin' else I'm feelin', I still feel the same way I felt about you when we were eighteen. And last night, the guys… they kept tryin' to get me to talk to these girls. And these girls were pretty, beautiful even. But they weren't you. And the more I tried to talk to them, the more it seemed to hurt. Because… I just wanted you"
"You know I'm so sorry about what I did in LA," JJ said tearfully. "I'm sorry for everything. I never meant to hurt you the way I did and it kills me"
"I know," Will breathed. "I'm not going to make you keep apologising for it. I know you're sorry"
He looked up at her, his chest aching as he looked at the tears tracking down her cheeks. And then, seemingly of his own mind, he was moving over, gesturing for her to come and sit beside him. She did so, tentatively sitting down on the edge of the bed as she wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her sweater.
Slowly, Will wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tight embrace. She buried her face against his chest, the tears flooding in thick and fast.
Just having JJ in his arms again was enough to slowly loosen the tight hold all the anger seemed to have on his heart. He pressed his nose to the top of her head, trying his hardest to stem everything that was swirling in his chest back down, but before he knew it, a sob was escaping his mouth, the tears beginning to flood down his cheeks with such intensity he didn't know if he'd be able to stop them. JJ was shaking in his arms, completely overcome with emotion, her eyes burning as they stung with fresh tears.
It wasn't fixed. They both knew there was a long way to go. But they were talking. They were agreeing.
They were one step closer to healing.
After half a day recovering in JJ's bed, Will had gone back to Matt's, his heavy head in his hands as he walked out the front door. Overwhelmed with what the day had held, JJ had found herself sitting frozen on the edge of her bed, unable to stop the tears even though her eyes were already sore and swollen.
"Hey," came her mom's soft voice after about ten minutes. "Everything ok?"
"I don't even know what I'm crying about," JJ said tearfully, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve. "I just feel like I need to"
"Then cry," Sandy said softly, coming to sit beside JJ on the edge of the bed. "It doesn't do anyone any good to hold it in"
Hiccupping through tears, JJ allowed her mom to wrap an arm around her and pull her so that her head was resting on her shoulder. She let the tears come, the ugly sobs coming at full force as her mom held her and smoothed down her hair.
"This is what it feels like when you let horrible, painful feelings actually get to you," Sandy said gently. "You don't always have to shield yourself. You're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to feel pain, and you're allowed to cry, because it's all part of the healing process"
"I don't know what comes next," JJ sobbed.
"You don't have to," Sandy reminded her, squeezing her a little tighter. "You don't have to have everything all figured out"