A/N: This is my new favourite chapter!
Walking down the hallway towards JJ's room, Will could feel the nerves radiating through his body. He hadn't heard from her all day save for a quick text exchange that morning before breakfast. He didn't understand why he was anxious, after all, she had had training all day and was probably exhausted seeing that it was her first time competing in over a year. It wasn't uncommon for her to temporarily go MIA when in the midst of competition.
But something wasn't sitting right in his stomach, and so, over-protectiveness be damned, he was going to check on her.
Approaching the door to her room, he gently knocked, wanting to give her a bit of a warning that he was coming in. "Jayje? You in there?" he called softly.
There was a moment's silence, before he heard a soft voice calling back to him.
"You can come in"
Slipping the extra key she had given him from his pocket, he tapped it at the door, turning the handle as soon as he heard the click. Pushing the door open, he stepped into the room, the cool rush of air conditioning hitting his skin as soon as he was inside.
On the other side of the room, perched in the window seat, was his fiancée, staring solemnly out the window at the rapidly fading afternoon sun.
"Hey, you ok?" Will asked gently, setting the key and his phone down on the dresser to his right. "I haven't heard from you all day, I was a little worried that Nick had you trainin' until you passed out," he said with a chuckle as he walked towards her. She turned to look at him, her face showing nothing but tiredness, and for a split second, he saw her old self staring back at him, the girl who would vehemently insist she was fine… until she wasn't.
But then, she took a deep breath, and shrugged. "I don't know"
Somewhat relieved that she hadn't just pushed him away with an "I'm fine", Will closed the gap between them, gently lifting her legs and shuffling over on the window seat until they were draped across his lap. Leaning back against the glass, he traced gentle circles on her shin, waiting patiently until she seemed ready to talk.
"It took everyone all of two seconds to notice the scar on my wrist," JJ said softly. "No-one asked me about it directly, but… they noticed"
"Let 'em talk Jayje," Will said gently. "You don't owe anyone an explanation for anythin' you've been through this year-"
"I told the truth," JJ said quietly, avoiding his eyes. "I… I'm sick of people talking about me. Making assumptions. I didn't want it to become this huge rumor that ends up blowing out when someone somewhere gets hold of my medical records-"
"You don't know that that would happen Jayje," Will said gently. JJ tilted her head towards him, seeming to fight the urge to roll her eyes.
"Some hacker in Russia found Simone's medical records and her TUE right before the Olympics. People took it and blew it way out of proportion, and it only stopped when Simone stood up and took control of it herself"
Will fell silent, watching her as she leaned back against the frame behind her, her body seeming to sag with the weight of the secrets she was trying to keep from the world.
"You want to control it yourself," he said quietly.
"I'm just sick of feeling like the things I experience warrant being ashamed of… but I'm scared of what people are going to think of me. What they're going to say"
"Have you already said somethin'?"
JJ nodded, reaching out and grabbing her phone from where it was sitting on the end table. Unlocking it, she passed it to Will. Taking it from her hand, Will brought his eyes down to the screen, which was open to her Instagram page.
*photo of JJ in hospital. She is asleep, her wrist heavily bandaged, an IV in the back of her hand. Her skin is pale, and her face is fraught with sadness*
I don't think I'll ever be 100% ready to do this, but it's time for me to come clean about what I have been through this year. I've been fairly candid about the fact that after the incident in LA, I was diagnosed with persistent complex bereavement disorder, and struggled with depression.
I noticed yesterday that there was a bit of discussion about the scar on my wrist, and I wanted to be forthcoming about what that was. Someone hypothesized that I had had surgery for the wrist fracture I sustained in Rio last year, and I love that you guys thought so innocently of it but sadly that wasn't the case.
In March of this year, I attempted suicide. I have never understood how someone could do it, having lost a sister to suicide myself, because I know how much pain it causes for the people left behind. But I got to that point. I got to the point where I was so consumed with pain and sadness and loneliness that I just couldn't fathom any other way out. I was wracked with grief, Will and I were on the verge of splitting up completely, and even as I tried my best to cope with what was going on, I kept getting handed new mental health issues to deal with. So I locked myself in my bathroom and took a blade to my wrist.
The only reason I'm still here today is because Will was just across the hall and he knew something was wrong. He broke down the bathroom door and knocked the blade out of my hands before I could cut too deep, even though I was begging him to leave me there to die. He was angry and hurting as well, but in that moment, his actions saved my life.
I'm in therapy, I'm on medication, I've followed every instruction I've been given and I've worked really hard to be where I am today. But it would not be possible at all without the love and support of Will, my coach Nick, and my friends and family.
Most importantly though, I wouldn't be here without my mom. She's the strongest woman I've ever known. And I know a lot. She's been dealing with her own grief this year, having lost her husband, but somehow she's been able to prop me up to fight my battles as well. She's lost a child to suicide, but when faced with losing another, she put on a brave face and soldiered forward because she knew it was what I needed. I never asked her to do any of this for me, and I never would have asked her either. She did it because she loves unconditionally. She is an amazing mom, and I would 100% not be here today without her love and support.
Mom, I guess this is a bit of a love letter to you. You sat by my side in hospital multiple times, stayed awake through the night with me when I felt like hurting myself, sat with me in the bathroom the night I got so drunk I couldn't stand up, stood there and took it as I yelled at you out of pain and anger, and kept me accountable and dragged my ass to therapy when I was refusing to go but you knew I needed to. You refused to give up on me despite the fact that you were grieving too, and I am going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I wouldn't be here today without you. I am so proud to have you as a mom, and every day, I remind myself how lucky I am to have a mom who cares so much. I know I haven't been much fun this year, but I'm going to spend the rest of your life making sure that you are proud to have me as a daughter. I love you. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me.
And to everyone else, friends, family, and all you wonderful gymnastics fans alike… thank you for your support. It's hard to be so honest about things like this, because my life is more public than I ever thought it was going to be. But I have always wanted to be honest with the world, because if me sharing my own struggles helps just one person out there, then it's worth being vulnerable. This year has been… awful. In so many ways. But I'm ready for whatever the rest of it holds. And I can't wait to take you all along for the journey.
Looking up at her, Will was unsurprised to find her with tears in her eyes. But he was also well aware of the burning in his own eyes, the tears that were threatening to come forth.
"Do you know how brave you are?" he said softly. The words were enough to break the last of JJ's walls, and she folded, burying her face in her hands. Will quickly put her phone back down on the table, shuffling across the window seat and pulling JJ into his lap. She wrapped herself around him, tucking her face into the crook of his neck as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
"I'm so proud of you," he murmured, kissing her forehead and nuzzling her temple. "So goddamn proud of you"
|jareaumanar|
*screenshot of JJ's Instagram post*
I'm cryingggg. This poor girl has really been through it
|jadecareys|
I obviously don't know JJ and honestly I've never been a huge fan, but… shit. Putting all that out in the public forum is not easy. I have a lot of respect and admiration for JJ today.
|olympichampion|
I don't even know what to say. She's so unbelievably strong. I hope she knows that. And I know she'll probably never see this, but I hope she knows how freaking proud of her I am. Not only for putting her story out there RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF NATIONALS, but just for finding the strength to keep fighting. That's not easy in any regard. To be where she is in five months… that's amazing!
|melnikovas|
I legitimately cried when I read that. And people still want to shit on her for what happened in LA? Like… it's none of our business. NOTHING that has happened to JJ this year is any of our business, and she's still willing to put it out in the spotlight to make sure she has control of her own story. She's a fucking superhero, honest to god.
|flipflyonodi|
So… this is really hard for me to write, because it's always hard to admit when you were wrong, but I know I made a lot of enemies earlier this year. I'm owning up right now to the fact that I was a complete asshole about what JJ was going through back when it first became public. The more she's revealed about what's happening in her life, the more I've realised I jumped to some pretty cruel conclusions. Yeah, I still think cheating with intent is a shitty thing to do, but… JJ was not cheating with intent. And no-one goes through this much personal hell without a valid fucking reason.
So to anyone in the gymternet that I riled with my comments, I'm really sorry. And to JJ, if you saw any of my earlier comments, please know that I was not taking the time to understand your complete side of the story, and I'm really sorry. You 100% have my support, and I'm actually really proud of you for sharing as much as you have. I know that's not an easy thing to do, but you are right in saying that if it even reaches one person who will be helped by seeing it, then it's worth it.
"We don't fly back until Wednesday, right?" Will asked as they walked hand in hand down South Harbor Boulevard less than two hours later. The sun had just gone down, and the lights of Disneyland and the surrounding establishments were coming to life. The air was warm, filled with the sounds of people enjoying the magic of the happiest place on earth.
"Yeah, Wednesday night," JJ replied. "Why?"
"I wanna go to Disneyland!" Will exclaimed, looking wistfully across the street as the Disneyland Monorail went whizzing past.
JJ laughed, her face reading disbelief. "You've never been to Disney?"
"No, I have not been to Disneyland, in fact I've only ever been to one proper amusement park, my parents took me to Six Flags in New Orleans once before Katrina flooded it out, and that's it!" Will replied vehemently, making JJ laugh as she leaned briefly into his side. "I take it by your privileged tone that you have been to Disneyland?"
JJ giggled. "I haven't actually. Not in the US at least. When I went to Worlds in Tokyo, me and my parents stayed on for a couple of days, and we went to Tokyo Disneyland. It was so pretty. Dad had to try every ramen noodle stand and every beer stand we passed though. Drove my mom nuts"
"I'm sure the beer helped," Will said dryly, making JJ snort. "Well what do you say? Wanna go to Disneyland once you're finished wipin' the domestic competition floor?"
"Are you gonna cry on Space Mountain? Like that time we went to that funfair and you freaked out on the kiddy coaster?"
"JJ, I was nine!" Will protested, trying hard to keep a serious expression as JJ laughed beside him. "And that coaster was dangerous, I swear I was gonna fall out"
"I'll pack some tissues for you so you can wipe your tears," JJ shot back, getting a playful nudge from Will before he slung his arm around her shoulders and pressed a quick kiss to her temple.
"You're lucky I love you," he chuckled, guiding them off the main footpath towards the diner they were heading for, Mimi's Bistro. It was a small place, and when they pushed open the door, they found Sandy and Nick already seated inside. As they approached the table, the older two looked up, and Sandy's face immediately changed to one of unstoppable emotion. As Will leaned across the table to shake Nick's hand, Sandy rose from her seat, pulling her daughter into a hug.
"I saw your post this afternoon, and I just cried and cried," she said thickly, squeezing JJ tightly before pulling back, bringing a hand to JJ's cheek. "You said such sweet things"
"I meant every word," JJ replied through a smile that was the only thing holding back the tears. "Every single word, Mom, I… most definitely wouldn't be here without you"
"I love you. Don't you ever forget it. I know it hasn't been the most fun year for us, but I would do all of it again in a heartbeat," Sandy said warmly, giving JJ one more quick squeeze. "We better sit down before we create an emotional scene in the middle of this restaurant"
Giggling, JJ nodded in agreement, sitting down beside Will as her mom retook her seat next to Nick.
"I'm really proud of you kiddo," Nick said warmly, giving JJ a reassuring smile. "I know that wasn't an easy thing to do, but I think you're incredibly brave to take control of the situation like that"
"I just didn't want it to go through the rumor mill. If people were going to find out, I wanted them to find out from me. It's no-one else's place to share it but my own," JJ said firmly, settling back in her chair as Will placed a comforting hand on her knee. "And I know what the world is like these days, they would've found the information themselves within a week. I don't know how, but they would have"
"Well, we're all very proud of you. And we've got your back, no matter what people want to say or think," Sandy said warmly. "You've come such a long way from where you were in March"
"Yeah," JJ said with a smile. "Hopefully the rest of the world will see that too"
It wasn't long before they had ordered and the meals were in front of them. The serious conversation had given way to easy banter, the four adults taking joy in such relaxed company for the evening.
"Hey, hands off my plate," Will scolded, playfully slapping JJ's hand away as she tried to steal one of his potatoes. "You looked at this on the menu and said 'ew, it has mushrooms'"
"Yeah, but now it looks good! Let me try some!" JJ protested, trying to reach across, only for Will to pick up his plate and shield it with his body.
"Children, behave," Sandy said dryly as Nick snorted into his chicken pot pie. "I can't take you two anywhere"
"You can't take JJ anywhere without her stealin' food off your plate like a seagull," Will laughed, relenting and allowing JJ to spear a potato from his plate.
"Will, she's been like that since she started eating solid food at six months old. Didn't matter if I gave her and Roslyn identical plates with identical portions, she would still want to eat off her sister's plate," Sandy said matter-of-factly. The two men laughed as JJ feigned hurt.
"I… I just wanted to try Will's potatoes!"
"Face it, JJ, you're a grazer. You always have been, and you always will be," Sandy laughed. "You get it from your dad. He was exactly the same"
"So if I go to Panera Bread for breakfast tomorrow-"
"-expect to share," Sandy chuckled as she finished Will's sentence.
"I like cinnamon," JJ said pointedly, winking at her partner. Will shook his head, feigning defeat as the two older adults simply laughed at the antics of the young couple.
Dinner had been delicious and filling, but thankfully, the brisk walk back to the hotel had staved off most of the feeling of being bloated after a good meal.
Rather than returning to his room, Will had chosen to spend the night with JJ. The two of them had readied for bed rather quickly, and before long, they were sliding beneath the covers.
Will was tired, although he wasn't overly sure why as his day hadn't been particularly taxing, but he was much more alert when after a few minutes, JJ began snuggling up even closer to him. Her breath was tickling the side of his neck, and within a few moments, he was aware of her foot rubbing gently up and down his lower leg.
"Jayje… what are you doin'?" he asked with a chuckle.
"Let's have sex," JJ said with a soft giggle, kissing the underside of his jaw.
"Straight to the point," Will chuckled. "What's brought this on?"
"We've had sex once since we came back from the lake," JJ breathed, trailing her fingertips down his chest before nuzzling just beneath his ear. "I miss you… all of you"
"I'm not sayin' no, babe, but it's late, and you've been trainin' all day. You're gonna be so tired in the mornin'," Will reminded her gently.
"I don't care," JJ whispered with a giggle, earning an amused laugh from Will. "Right now, we have this beautiful hotel room all to ourselves, and I want to make love with my fiancé, is that so much to ask?"
Will wrapped his arms around her, rolling her up onto his chest. "Not at all"
Smiling, JJ leaned down and pulled him into a deep kiss, her tongue immediately sweeping past his lips to brush against his. As they stayed locked together, she slowly shifted her weight until her legs were either side of his lap, allowing her to grind down against him as their bodies began to mold to each other out of habit.
Hands began to wander as they stayed in that position, locked at the mouth, grinding back and forth in search of renewed pleasure. It was a blur of warm skin, passionate kisses, and stroking hands, but Will was barely aware when JJ lifted her hips up just enough to push his boxers down towards his knees. He managed to shimmy them off, flicking them off the side of the bed with his foot as one of JJ's hands closed around his rapidly growing erection.
Her T-shirt soon joined his boxers, leaving her in his lap in her panties, his hands on her warm skin as he began to cup and tease her breasts in the way he knew she liked. Then, he was pushing himself up, tipping her backwards just enough to be able to slide her panties down her slim legs, finding her wet and wanting for his touch.
Eventually, he was sitting with his back against the pillows resting against the headboard, appreciatively taking in the view as JJ slowly guided him into her, her legs straddling his lap once more as she began to rock back and forth, both of them groaning in unison at the sensations flooding their bodies. Everything still felt so renewed. The two encounters they had had since their reconciliation had been electric, but even so, they still felt as though they were exploring each other's bodies for the first time.
With her long blonde hair hanging over her shoulders, her breasts bouncing in time with their movements, and the look of pleasure gracing her face, Will was fighting extremely hard not to prematurely lose his shit. She'd been having this effect on him for four years, and he had a feeling it was something that wasn't going to go away anytime soon - not that he particularly wanted it to.
"So good," JJ gasped breathlessly, her toes clenching as she rocked her hips insistently against Will's. She felt his arms snaking around her lower back, pulling her in closer to him until it was hard to tell where he ended and she began. Following his lead, she wrapped her arms around his strong shoulders, the tip of her nose nuzzling against his until their lips met in a passionate kiss. One of Will's hands trailed up her spine, his fingers threading into her hair. The touch against her scalp was like warm water, soft and gentle against her skin, traveling from head to toe as if she was standing under a shower. She moaned into his mouth, making him pull back from the kiss and begin trailing his lips down her jaw and neck.
"No marks," she gasped, tipping her head to the side as she rolled her hips sharply again.
"I know," Will breathed, tilting his hips up to meet hers and making both of them moan at the sensation. He could feel her muscles clenching against him, rippling beneath her smooth skin as they clawed their way towards that euphoric release.
"Right there… yes," JJ hissed, throwing her head back as her grip on his shoulders tightened. "Uh… yes… yes"
"That feel good?" Will murmured, fixing his lips on the spot beneath her ear that was favoured by him. "That gettin' you close?"
"Uh… god… yes," JJ groaned in response, prompting Will to slide a hand between them to circle her clit with the tip of his finger.
But then, moments later, JJ was stopping, seeming to lose her rhythm as she fought to catch her breath. Will lifted his face away from her neck, trying to catch her eye to see what the problem was, but found her avoiding his gaze.
"What's the matter?" Will asked gently, tipping her chin up from where she was gazing down at their heaving chests.
"I… I can't… I can't finish," JJ breathed, her cheeks flushing even more pink as she spoke. "I want to… I'm right there. But I just… can't. My body won't do it"
"It's probably your medication babe," Will replied. "Antidepressants can do that"
"But I was able to cum at the lake… and that time afterwards… why not now?"
There was a momentary pause, before Will pulled her up against him once more. "Maybe, for whatever reason, you're not as relaxed as you were those times. Or maybe, maybe you just need a little more stimulation"
"How?"
Will's eyes twinkled, a smile playing in the corners of his mouth. "Did you bring your vibrator with you? The little clit one I got you for Valentine's Day last year?"
JJ stared at him for a moment. "How did you-"
Will chuckled. "I know you get particularly horny when you're alone in a hotel room"
JJ blushed, a smile working its way onto her face. "It… it's in that little bag. On the nightstand"
Leaning across, Will reached into the little bag, easily finding what he was looking for. Straightening up, he gave her a cheeky smile as he turned the little petal shaped toy until the ridged end was pointing between them.
"Here," he said softly, guiding her hips up far enough that he could slide it between them. "Let's see if this helps"
JJ barely had a moment to even attempt to respond before he had powered it on, thousands of tiny vibrations shooting through her from the most sensitive spot on her body. Letting out a breathy moan, she instinctively rolled her hips down, grinding against the vibrator to elicit more pleasure, and pleasuring Will in the process.
"Just relax baby," Will breathed, bringing his lips to her neck once more, his breath tickling against the underside of her jaw. "It's just you and me… we got all the time in the world… and I just want you to feel good"
"Touch my boobs," JJ moaned, leaning back on one hand and changing the angle of penetration so that he was brushing up against her G-spot. He made no hesitation in obliging her request, tipping his head down further to nuzzle her collarbone, while one of his hands came up to palm her breasts, rolling her nipple between his strong fingers.
"You're so gorgeous… so fuckin' gorgeous," Will murmured against her skin. "Every single day, I remind myself how lucky I am to be with you"
Nipping at one of her nipples with his teeth, he then circled it with his tongue, eliciting a low moan from JJ as he encircled his arms around her and pulled her back up so they were chest to chest. Through it all, she kept grinding on him, her pace picking up as they both built closer and closer to orgasm.
"Are you close cher?" Will groaned, barely able to contain himself at the sight of JJ grinding in his lap.
"Uh huh," JJ managed to choke out, biting down on her lip and clutching at Will, her nails digging into the back of his shoulders. Will brought a hand between them, kicking the vibrator up a notch in intensity, holding it flush to her clit as he rocked his hips up to meet hers.
Seconds later, the string snapped and she was shaking apart with a breathy cry, Will following just a few moments later. Chasing the aftershocks, she continued rolling her hips down against the vibrator, every muscle in her body seeming to tense and release until finally, spent and covered in a thin layer of sweat, she collapsed against Will's chest.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, only moving long enough for Will to slip out of her and move the vibrator from between them. Neither of them were in any hurry to move, perfectly happy to stay where they were, entwined together on the bed in the darkness of the room.
"I love you," JJ said softly after a little while, lifting her head from where she had had it resting on Will's chest. Will broke into a handsome smile, lifting a hand to brush away the loose strands of her hair that had fallen into her face.
"I love you too cher"
Moments later, Will clutched her around the middle, rolling them until they were laying on their sides, the sheets and duvet now rumpled at the bottom of the bed. JJ's legs were still wrapped around his waist, and neither of them had any intention of breaking their embrace.
"That felt really good," JJ said quietly after a few minutes. "I don't know why I didn't think of that"
"Just another one of my brilliant ideas to the rescue," Will chuckled, earning a giggle from JJ. "Thank you for bein' honest with me"
JJ frowned. "What do you mean?"
"A lot o' girls would have faked it. Pretended they had an orgasm because they're too embarrassed to admit that they didn't. I'm glad you were honest with me, because… let's face it. Sex is more fun when you communicate and everyone… gets where they're goin'"
"Part of me almost didn't tell you," JJ admitted sheepishly. "I didn't want you to think you couldn't get me off"
Will chuckled. "Now dawlin', not to toot my own horn, but when has that ever been the case?"
Laughing, JJ allowed him to roll her onto her back, before he pressed a kiss to her lips and drowned the laughter in an instant. The room fell silent, the two of them locked in a passionate kiss, slow and gentle, yet fiery and loving.
"I need to shower before I go to sleep," JJ murmured against his lips as they broke apart. "Care to join me?"
"You know I'll never say no to that," Will chuckled, disentangling himself from her before rising from the bed and eagerly following her into the bathroom. She reached into the shower stall, flipping on the rainfall shower. They barely had to wait ten seconds before it was warm enough to get in, and then she was tugging him into the stall with her.
"I've missed this so much," she said after a few minutes of them standing there, looped together beneath the hot water.
"Me, naked in your hotel room for you to have your way with?" Will said teasingly.
"No," JJ laughed. "Well, yes, but that's not what I meant"
Will laughed.
"No, I mean… the small moments. You and I have always had this great level of non-sexual intimacy, and I've… really missed that. The cuddling, the talking… the times where you touch my back or my arm when we're out in public and I can just feel how much you care for me. I know it sounds stupid-"
"No, it's not stupid," Will cut in, his voice soft and reassuring. "We've been workin' at rebuildin' this for a while, but you're right, I… I think those small moments are what we've been missin'. And we've both been so busy since we went to the lake, I think we've forgotten to make sure we're takin' that time out to spend with each other, even if it just to actually have a conversation over dinner or somethin' little like that"
"Maybe we should have a date night. It doesn't have to be the same night, or the same thing, but like… once every two weeks, we make sure we go out and do something, just the two of us?"
Will broke into a handsome grin. "I like that idea. We could go dancin'-"
"Will, you know I can't dance," JJ protested, only for Will to grab both of her hands and make her twirl beneath the water. "Will!"
"Come on, you can dance," Will laughed, spinning her carefully across the tiled floor before pulling her back towards him as she started to laugh. "You just gotta not be so serious, then you can get down and boogie"
"Oh my god," JJ snorted, gently slapping his chest. "You're such a dork"
"Jayje?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me somethin'?"
JJ frowned slightly, her mouth quirking into a curious smile. "What?"
"Tomorrow night, when you're out on the floor… try and remember to smile," Will said gently, a sudden departure from the conversation they'd been having before. "I don't mean like… in your routines, but… yesterday you just looked so serious all the time. Almost sad. And I know you're not, you're just focused, but… it would be nice to see you smile. You've been sayin' all year that this is your season to have fun… you gotta at least look like it"
JJ chuckled, stretching up on her toes to press a kiss to his lips. "I'll try my hardest"