Her Favorite Lie

by Anticipate

Three years after surviving a murder attempt by his father, Aqua Hoshino lives quietly on the edge of the public eye. Slowly, Aqua embraced his new role as a cardiac surgeon dating Kana Arima. But when Aqua dredges up a painful past and his and Kana's careers are suddenly on the line, Aqua and Kana are forced to confront the lies they've allowed to pile up between them.

1. Chapter 1: Surprise

"So it's been some time since you last worked with Director Gotanda, Miss Arima. What compelled you to come back to such a controversial director?"

An eyebrow quirked just long enough to feign natural intrigue. "Is he that controversial because he wants to capture what he calls the real thing? I respect his sense of duty to his craft."

"Or perhaps you found yourself entranced by the idea of visiting America? It will be your first overseas filming, correct? Don't tell us you're abandoning your fans at home, Miss Arima!"

"W-well, I can't say the idea of visiting another country wasn't interesting…" she trails off, looking past the cameras to some fixed point the spotlights won't reach. "But it's purely a professional desire! Japan is my home."

The interviewer smirks, satisfied enough by the pace he's created to let the live audience take a breath and chuckle at the flustered response. He's done this long enough to know when to give his guests time to think they're exiting a tunnel before introducing a new curve.

"Of course, of course. I only ask as an avid fan myself. There are many fans of yours who would take issue with such renewed devotion to your acting work after following your idol career so closely. Forgive me for belaboring such an old point, but do you have anything you'd like to say to them?"

Kana Arima sighs, never allowing her gaze to train back on the reflective spectacles of her daytime tv interviewer. It wasn't ever enough to make an announcement; she'd be repeating her sentiment until the public stopped incessantly checking to see if her whims matched theirs. They would always be fishing for hope no matter what she said or did, but she chose to believe that each message she fabricated would bring satisfaction to at least one of her fans out there. Kana wasn't the sort of actress who could afford to disappoint all of her fans. To that laborious end, she focuses on the lens of the country watching her.

"Being an idol was one of the most fun roles I've had the fortune to play. Now that it's over, I can tell all of you as I've said before that it was just a role for me. That doesn't mean I didn't want to put genuine feelings of affection for you all in my work. Even over two years later and with acting as my calling, those feelings haven't changed." A second pause, letting those words melt over the camera as a faint light burns in her eyes.

"But at the end of the day, it was and is a work of fiction. Anything you interpret from this work is your own choice, a coincidence. Despite that, I believe the meaning you create from it is still valuable."

"Well said indeed, Miss Arima! But I simply must ask, how does that sort of act factor into your personal life? Did and do your friends and family appreciate you hawking something fake to the broader world?"

With this question the shunning of the interviewer from Kana's scrutiny is broken. She twists her upper body toward him, one hand finding her cheek to slightly hide her powdered blush from the camera. "A lie is okay if it comes from a well-meaning place, you know! I wouldn't have gotten where I am today without being willing to deceive others. Wait, that sounds wrong. I mean, ah, sometimes you have to lie to show you really care about people!"

Kana's embarrassment tugs a laugh from deep within the interviewer, a hearty chuckle that reverberates around the country. "I kid, I kid, Miss Arima. I imagine having to live up to the likes of the Hoshinos has made your idol career all the more difficult. We wouldn't want to increase your burdens arbitrarily, would we?" Canned applause bolstered by a smattering of real clapping plays through the studio in agreement.

When the noise settles, Kana smiles softly. "Thank you. But I don't want to compare myself to the dead. It's best to let their spirits go and move forward how we can, isn't it?"

The interviewer is startled out of a response, his planned transition almost lost as the unexpected comment jars him out of his complacent pace. "Ah, yes, of course. My apologies. Getting back on track, do you feel a special connection to this new character you're playing? Any details you can share with us? A name, perhaps?"

A finger from the hand that had retreated to her lap brushes Kana's lips gently as she considers her answer. When she finally responds, an apologetic smile gives her words away before she speaks. "Even if it is a work of fiction, Director Gotanda feels the need to reflect the real thing. It would be unprofessional of me to spoil his fun. If you're interested in my secrets, Mr. Takumi, you should be looking forward to Mem-Cho's live interview as part of the upcoming docuseries on B-Komachi, airing only on TBS in a few weeks!"

The tension in the room created by Kana's deviation from the script deflates. She'd only meant to grab the attention of those watching her interview casually. It was a strategy the interviewer would traditionally frown upon, but even he wouldn't deny that it was effective when used by those with a talent for drawing a gaze. "Ah, you've got a point, Miss Arima. We'll all keep our schedules clear. Now, I think we're close to our time, but is there anything else you want to say to everyone out there?"

The pondering expression on Kana's face vanishes. She suddenly thrusts a finger toward the camera, discarding for an instant the airy professional to call out one viewer directly. "Yeah, there is. Aqua, you better get back to work! I know you're slacking off to watch your girlfriend's interview!"

The abrupt accusation brought a smile to Aqua Hoshino's face. He lowered the phone to observe the empty break room around him. Slacking off during a residency had become much easier with the advancement of phone technology. The weeks and months he'd once put into searching for a suitable patient willing to indulge in his lethargy could be eliminated simply by finding a wi-fi hotspot. To be completely fair to himself, it wasn't as if there was a pressing need for someone who had already broken their back once becoming a doctor to take his second life's residency as seriously. Too bad there was no way to explain that to his mentors.

"Hoshino! How long are you gonna slack off in here?! The surgery's in an hour!"

"Just saying a prayer, Dr. Hotino," Aqua lied, grateful that Kana had warned him to put his phone down. "Should we walk over together, sensei?"

The older doctor huffed from the door he'd flung open, adjusting his strained belt as he contemplated an appropriate reprimand. It wasn't anything unique for the senior residents and doctors to have a lack of patience for their juniors. Aqua simply had the misfortune of being a household name among his peers, which stuck out like a nail waiting to be hammered into place by his sadistic superiors. It didn't help that his senior was missing all the traditional good looks that society would agree Aqua possessed. Placing no value on appearances was easy when your blond mop of hair protruded prominently out of more than zero billboards around Tokyo. Nobody felt the contrast more than Dr. Hotino as he rubbed a portly hand through greying hair thinned by a long-running stressful job training uppity brats like this one. There were more apparent differences in their status, but Aqua learned quickly not to belabor any of those points to the man.

"I'm not going to waste my time holding your hand to the scrub room, newbie. Some of us have actual jobs to do around here. See to it that you're clean the next time I see you," The man finally groused, allowing the break room door to close firmly behind him and reject companionship for the walk.

There would be no scintillating lecture on how doctors should have everything but time on their hands today. Aqua should have anticipated that given today was the heart surgery demonstration. For his chosen field, it was an inflection point even the seniors donated some reverence to. Supposedly, no cardiac surgeon forgot witnessing their first in-person heart surgery as a resident. That was the rumor anyways, and life as a gynecologist didn't enlighten Aqua with quite the same experience. He remembered witnessing his first surgery vividly, for mostly the wrong reasons. The 21-year-old resident rose slowly to his feet, leaving most of his personal belongings behind before making his way to where he believed the scrub room for this surgery was. For better or worse, it was his turn first in the rotation to play assistant to the surgeons.

As he wound his way through the oversaturated hallways of his hospital to the surgery room, Aqua passed by a small collection of fellow residents waiting in the observation suite a floor above the site of the surgery. A few nodded or granted him a half-smile, but the palpable animosity in the room kept Aqua's feet moving. He hadn't expected his entrance exam's admittedly stellar performance to paint as much of a target on his back as his fame. If anything, his notoriety was what had kept his peers at bay for this long. No doubt several of them were busy securing dinners and extra lectures with their superiors while Aqua whiled away his time watching his girlfriend's media appearances. Brown nosing was tiring for Goro Amamiya and more so for Aqua Hoshino, the man he'd been reborn into. Life had enough petty problems without mixing in workplace drama.

What connection did he expose to get residency, do you think?

Maybe he's bribing the director.

That old bat? He still thinks we're in World War 2. No way he knows him.

He probably cheated.

Maybe he killed the exam proctor in self-defense!

Shut up, he'll get you next!

Idle comments. Aqua sighed despite himself. "Feeling bored?" Taro, a strait-laced student second only to Aqua on his exams, cast the former actor a reproachful glare as he met his fellow's gait. "The least you could do is show up on time. You kept me waiting." His bony hands swung rhythmically as he subtly encouraged Aqua to pick up the pace with his own.

"Sorry. Had to pray first," Aqua apologized to the room, loudly enough to prevent any more heads from turning in his direction. There was nothing most people could say out loud about that.

Aqua chose to let the musings go as he was dragged into the scrub room by his overeager fellow resident. There wasn't anything he should be responsible for beyond helping to prepare the instruments today. Resident assistants wouldn't be allowed to participate unless an emergency arose. The orange scrubs were familiar in everything but their garish color, something Kana would no doubt take pleasure in deriding him for when she saw the picture he took that drew ire from Taro. He could weather Taro's grievances if he saw his idol smile for his sake.

Aqua entered the surgery room last out of the three residents selected on the merit of their performance to witness the inaugural heart surgery. As such events couldn't be planned well in advance, this bonus often came long after it was revealed who was actually outclassing their peers in a way that grades on paper couldn't elaborate. The looks Aqua had received from day 1 told him he was destined for the latter category. Introductions were a brief formality that only lasted long enough for the surgeons to confirm none of the residents had lost their nerve.

"Right then! Scalpels!" Dr. Hotino ordered, waving at the residents standing near the edge of the room. "Do you want us to cut with our fingernails?"

As amusing as that would be for everyone conscious, Aqua set about feeding the whims of their superiors until the table was set to their liking. Others had come hours before to do the exact same thing, but the hospital saw every perfectly organized room as an opportunity to kick a table over and make a resident fix it. No time on their hands indeed. "Wrong scalpel," Aqua commented as he noticed Taro bringing a tray over to their boss. "We're not using reusable for this one."

"He's right. Don't let a slacker show you up, Taro," the boss nagged as he took the right tray from Aqua.

Were they not performing a life-saving operation, Aqua would have remained tacit. Sticking your hand in a fire ant mound was foolish even for children. Taro's dirty looks were surely being emulated behind the one-way glass above them. But that hardly mattered in the moment. While on the stage, you could make a mistake and the worst anyone would suffer would be some disappointment, however crushing that may be. Under the spotlights of a real operation, the mortal consequences outweighed any desire Aqua had to maintain his low profile. None of these children understood the weight of the weapons they used to heal in the same way he did yet.

By the time the patient was brought in, the residents and Aqua had become little more than decorations in the corner of the room. Preventing the star pupils from taking notes or having a good angle to view their first heart surgery in person while framing it as an honor was unique compared to the laid-back approach Aqua had grown accustomed to. Every advantage in a competitive profession was something to be scrounged for, it seemed. The accomplishment of making it to his third year of higher education had been greatly overshadowed by the daunting commitment of a full-time job on top of his classes. Aqua had lived this life before being reborn, but the pace was still an adjustment even a month into his residency. Kana missed no opportunities to remind him that their current jobs made meeting in person regularly almost impossible, but there was little he could do about it now.

Taro remained stoic throughout the process, but Aqua noticed their third companion, whose name escaped him, flinching several times, especially when he caught sight of the blood on the doctors' hands. There were always people like him; being a doctor was all well and good until the wet scent of blood and the realism of your battle against death hit your senses. It wouldn't surprise Aqua if this one ended up in the pharmaceutical department by the end of the month.

But Aqua himself was unbothered. The weight of fading life going slack in your hands was not new to him, nor was the crimson staining his vision or iron taste offending his nostrils. Once you'd lost something important to you, it was easy to block the senses out and focus only on what needed to be done. It was this ability to separate himself from reality that gave him the courage necessary to claim his father's life in revenge for slaying their mother and attempting to do the same to his sister Ruby. No matter how devoted you were to a cause, it took a certain level of detachment from reality to be able to turn a knife on your fellow man, let alone yourself. As the survivor from that wretched night of his own creation, it fell on him to be content with his new role and play it perfectly forever or watch everything he drew a blade to protect crumble. It was only a lie if he chose not to believe it, after all.

Instead of reminiscing on his unpleasant past, Aqua reoccupied his mind with idle idol thoughts. Kana's interview circuit in preparation both for filming a new movie and for the docuseries on B-Komachi coming out soon were keeping her out of their shared apartment more than ever. One of the brightest spots in his life after Kamiki had been the birth of his relationship with longtime friend and coworker Kana Arima soon after his extended recovery. The past few years between him accepting her feelings and now felt disappointingly short as their professions constantly pulled them away to other endeavors. It was what they signed up for, but the frustration still found a voice during their video calls every now and then. Knowing there was coveted shared time off coming in the next few days brightened his vision, blinding him to unpleasant questions as he focused on what they would do together.

What was she doing now? Still chatting up the host of that interview? Aqua wished he could have been there to tell the man off. Kana had enough on her plate dodging questions about the docuseries without dredging up the past long buried.

"Pay attention! They're starting the grafting!"

Taro's voice hissed in his ear. Aqua blinked, realizing he'd been staring at the lights above the surgery table rather than the table itself. If Taro had noticed, the other residents would too. Aqua nodded slightly. Part of him wondered if Goro would have been caught daydreaming about idols during surgery. He wanted to say yes, but a once-firm grip on the line between those two roles had slackened with the blending of their personalities. It was a necessary change for him to be content with this new life of his, lest the fire of one consume the other in anger over the way the body was being driven. The doctors moved with a perceptible increase in urgency that came with temporarily stopping a patient's heart. If assistants were to be needed, it would be now.

To Aqua's relief, his colleagues were professionals. One advantage of working in a den of politically motivated snakes was how territorial they were about the job they did. No doctor seeking to obtain a desk with their name on it early would be caught dead accepting unrequested help from a resident if they could avoid it. The politics were startlingly similar to the entertainment industry. It made Aqua long for the Takachiho countryside, littered with the shattered dreams of those who had accepted their unremarkable lot in life long ago. But aspiring cardiac surgeons couldn't train anywhere but the best schools, and his heart already belonged to a certain actress who also called Tokyo her home.

Within an hour, the surgery was concluded without incident. The lucky patient had been sewn back up and shipped off to his overpriced hospital bed, awaiting the good news that he'd recover in every way but financially. All that remained was having the residents assist in clean-up for no other reason than to ensure they were paying attention. "Why didn't we use a cardiopulmonary bypass?!"

"Only one graft was necessary. It would have introduced too much risk to set up for the time used," Aqua answered mechanically as he took inventory of the tools to be sterilized for the next group to come in.

"Close enough. Taro! Why did we take target vessels from the arm?"

"Too much fat in the way on the legs, sir."

"And the chest?"

Taro hesitated for two seconds too long, which prompted an overdramatic sigh from his boss. "Arm is thinner for this body type. Come on, boy, get your act together!"

It was an ironic choice of words. Everything about being a doctor for Aqua felt like an act. The only real difference was that his act affected the health of his audience rather than how bored they were. That was alright. Playing the role of a doctor allowed him some satisfaction from both Aqua and Goro's perspective. The saving lives thing was just a bonus. Losing himself in the role was all he really needed. Yes, he was content. He had a girlfriend, a steady career path, and his family's health. He had no reason not to be satisfied with this ending to Aqua Hoshino's story as an actor turned doctor. It was as he picked up one of the used scalpels and turned to dispose of them that he was reminded exactly why he couldn't believe his own lie.

Ai Hoshino was staring curiously at him, her purple hair shimmering brilliantly under the surgical lights. Gossamer hands smoothed out the folds in a hospital gown one size too large for her as her pale lips curved into a coy smile. The specter of his mother, so desperately emulating a sense of life it could no longer possibly have, enraptured Aqua's stunned attention with the same eyes he'd been forced to watch fade into unseeing glass orbs at a tender age. Her expression was as if to admonish him for wandering around with such a dangerous tool in his hand. Glancing down, Aqua could see the stab wound that ended her life still oozing fresh blood into the gown, matching the stains on the implement in his hand. The victim herself was unfazed, watching her son curiously to see what he'd do next.

"Hoshino! Throw the damn thing away already!"

His stupor shattered, Aqua moved through his mother, careful to ensure the scalpel didn't touch her, and disposed of the weapon. He could feel his breathing become uneven, and bade himself relax. This was a passing moment. There was no time for him to fall apart during a procedure. When he faced the room again, his face was an emotionless mask. "My apologies, sensei!"

The rest of the clean-up and workday passed in a blur. His colleagues must have afforded him some strange looks, but he passed his response off as a reaction to his first in-person surgery. In truth, he was rattled to his core. His revenge for Ai's sake had been completed over three years ago. He'd done everything in his power to convey her wishes to Hikaru Kamiki, but the man had left him no choice but to end his life. There had been no alternative.

Over time, the doubt Aqua placed on that statement had faded to the back of his mind, swept away as the investigation concluded in his favor and the scars from his own brush with death healed. Aqua stumbled into the empty apartment he shared with Kana, shedding his effects by the door and collapsing on a couch. Without hungry gazes bearing down on him in search of weakness to exploit, he lost what energy adrenaline had granted him. His exhausted mind could only focus on one question. "Why show up again now?"

Ai didn't answer him. She hadn't spoken to him since he was four and would never speak again. Aqua's breathing destabilized once more, his muscles seizing up in his prone position for some attack that wasn't coming. His world shrank to a pin, through which he could see only the unavoidable truth of his actions. Ai's death didn't change when he avenged her by taking Hikaru Kamiki's life. Nobody that murderer killed would ever thank him for his actions.

Aqua wanted to get up, to leave and do something, but he couldn't move. He was paralyzed by the weight of his own protracted life, forced to remember how powerless he was, how nothing he did would ever matter enough to bring back what he'd lost, and what he had now was an underserved coincidence. Everything he'd done since dying was just an act, after all. Aqua Hoshino didn't exist. The frozen 21-year-old on this couch was a remnant dragged out of the sea. They propped him up as the tragic survivor of his father's murderous rampage, forever walking one step ahead of a death whose scorn twisted his insides and froze his blood in every private moment to remind him of the debt he owed. That was all well and good, but the truth was far triter, such that Aqua had almost managed to forget it. Ai's sudden return was a reminder that death had found its mark years ago and left what remained of this reincarnated soul to desperately fill its leaking heart with daydreams of revenge. He was alone.

The pinhole he was staring through suddenly began to glow. A soft white light enveloped his vision of failure, burning away the darkness until it absorbed Aqua's entire view. Gingerly, the man tilted his head to look at the shelf beside his television stand. A single white glowstick dimly illuminated the dark room. "Right. I'm not allowed to die."

Saying it out loud ended the curse on Aqua's lethargy. There were people who wouldn't be able to continue without him. That was the true failing of his ill-thought-out revenge plan, the flaw in his approach to this current life. His happiness was irrelevant so long as he was needed. Slowly, Aqua rose and replaced the dying glowstick with a fresh one, muttering a small prayer as he did so. Kana wouldn't ever be allowed to return without seeing that glowstick shining. If all Aqua had to contend with in exchange for the gifts he'd been given were intermittent nightmares, then he should count himself lucky. "You have no right to run from them again," Aqua reminded himself as he shuffled toward the pantry for something to heat up.

The incident was closed. No answers would be coming from Ai, and Aqua was alone. He could sustain himself just fine on the moments when he got to watch his sister perform, or when he got to share a meal virtually with Kana. Those pockets of happiness were all he needed to ward off the dark empty feeling pulsing in his chest that he thought had disappeared when they discharged him from the hospital. Besides, being a doctor was a fair penance for playing Aqua Hoshino. What that man or Goro wanted didn't matter, and this resolve was all either of them really needed to keep going. More importantly, tonight was a travel night, so he'd be on his own with his ramen. As he ate, Aqua chose to ignore the fact that he couldn't tell if he was hungry or not.

The rest of the week slid by uneventfully. Moments outside of watching his girlfriend on the screen or speaking with his loved ones meshed together, a picayune pile of textbooks and clinical rounds meant only to fill his hours. A residency demanded robotic attenuation to unreasonable schedules, and Aqua's treatment of the job as a role suited him fine. It wasn't as if he could accept roles as an actor while his whole day was spent learning how to save lives, so playing a role was a fair compromise. But he couldn't quite pretend that things were the same.

In his private moments and even as he worked, Ai would come to him, reminding him of a truth he'd been suppressing for years by examining a book on his shelf or sitting next to a patient he was seeing. Saving this person's life wouldn't bring her back. Every hitched breath was a warning to his body to get itself under control. That was fine; he'd spent years suppressing festering emotions over Ai's death, long before and after he'd exacted revenge. In his moments at home, he found his hand involuntarily running along the scar line on his chest that he created himself. It was supposed to have mostly faded over time, but the white-hot pain of its creation stuck with Aqua every time he recalled the moment. When working with patients, he'd catch Ai in the corner of his eye and stutter, his brain struggling to recall if he was supposed to be prescribing anti-inflammatories or painkillers. The blended together days were consistently interrupted with these unwelcome surprises, Goro's indignation shoving against the emotionless mask Aqua had maintained for so long.

"You have to stay in control," Aqua informed a rerun of one of Kana's dramas as he sat in front of the TV one evening. "Goro is dead. Aqua is the only role you have to play now." That was the truth.

"Why won't you listen to me?! I'm telling the truth!" Kana's voice drew Aqua's eyes as she protested about some plotline Aqua couldn't recall.

Her light illuminated the main living area of what some would consider a ritzy western-style apartment. The living room, kitchen, and under-used dining area were all connected without walls and made up one of four rooms in the apartment, with two bedrooms and a full bathroom connected by a small square hallway occupying the rest of the space. Since Kana and Aqua rarely had need for both beds at once, one bedroom had become an impromptu office space for studying roles and heart surgeries. One side of the living room ended in a sliding second floor balcony door that was kept locked at almost all times for safety reasons. It was a bit smaller than his place under Miyako at Strawberry Productions, but Aqua appreciated the high level of installed security measures and convenient walking distance to his work. Kana had bemoaned that it was slightly smaller than her old apartment, but a small reminder that she'd be sharing the apartment with Aqua quashed any complaints immediately. It was a perfectly serviceable apartment for his perfectly serviceable life, and if he wanted to keep things how they were, he had to stay on top of himself.

"They count on you to keep it together. Breathe in, move through it. You are stronger than this. You can't let anyone down again."

"That's unfair!"

"Sorry, it's all I have left to work with. I've used everything and everyone else, and I won't use them again." Talking to a recording was shockingly different from the genuine article. For his own sanity, Aqua shut off the tv. Clearly, he needed more sleep.

That night, dreams stalked Aqua's rest. He stood at an operating table alone, performing the very procedure that had triggered the resurgence of his unpleasant memories. He'd mulled over why being there in person had been enough to dredge up Ai's specter to him, but no satisfying answer had come, and none would come tonight. Ai Hoshino slept peacefully as he operated on her, tacitly waiting for her son to finish the necessary operation to save her life. The movements came naturally to Aqua, though he didn't know whose hands he was using to operate, or which part of him was suppressing the knowledge that he was dreaming to revel in his opportunity to rescue what was lost. This dream had been common in his youth, though he hadn't had it in such vivid detail before.

Goro and Aqua had never agreed on much, but only now could their skillsets align in a way that would benefit their lost idol and mother. As Aqua finished suturing the incision, he glanced up at Ai's face, only to startle backwards when he was met with his sister's demure glare. That couldn't be right. Ruby had never been injured, let alone stabbed or in need of surgery. Everything he'd done that night had been to prevent that outcome.

The scalpel in Aqua's hand grew heavy, replaced by a knife covered in the same blood drawn to protect his sister. He was back on the cliff, a howling wind shifting his feet forward toward the demon he'd slain years ago. But Aqua had no desire to move. The courage he'd needed to act then had been used already, leaving his feet planted in the ground. A gaping self-inflicted wound in his chest bled, yet he couldn't bring himself to finish the job he'd started. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. But if I don't do this, then he'll find a way to kill Ruby. Nobody can prove he committed a crime under the law. If I don't punish him now, then I'll lose everything I sought to protect. Who's to say he'd stop at Ruby? Kana, Akane, Mem, even Taiki… How many loved ones would I have to go through before he makes a mistake? I don't want to die. Hikaru Kamiki has to die killing Aqua Hoshino tonight.

"I'm glad you understand."

Aqua's eyes trained on the young girl with silver hair and piercing crimson eyes brighter than stars helping him level his knife at his father. Her cold, small fingers adjusting his grip were the only sensation he could feel. "This is the famous scene. Staging, direction, structure, tempo, they all matter. You won't get a passing grade if you can't fool everyone with this lie, will you? Think about how many investigators are going to look at this moment for any mistake you make."

She was right. The enigmatic deity who granted him this second life was always right, and she was arrogant enough to never let him forget it. Aqua's grip on the knife tightened, his sense of place forgotten in lieu of the role he'd been chosen to play. A crow fluttered overhead as the girl grinned with the same eerie smile of their patient adversary. "There, look, I've set the scene for you. You wanted to do this, didn't you? Now act to your heart's content, child of the stars." Aqua's body moved on his own as he rushed to drag Hikaru Kamiki and himself to their deaths once again.

Aqua sat bolt upright in his bed, his blanket clinging to his body's cold sweat. One of the only benefits to not being in the same room as Kana was that she didn't get to see him wake up after these nightmares. "Calm down. It's over." The words didn't reassure Aqua, but nothing else was going to carry him through the morning.

Goro and Aqua never clamored for revenge in his mind anymore. Ai fell silent a long time ago. The deity only spoke words that Aqua had heard her speak before, echoing in his empty head like a vacant concert hall. Making his rounds for the day did nothing to put Aqua's mind at ease when he only somewhat recognized the person in the mirror. Did he always wear glasses? Was learning this technique a Goro thing or an Aqua thing? Aqua's head felt light. He wished there was someone he could talk to. Kana was giving another interview today. Yes, Kana would be coming back soon, then things would be alright. He needed to be alright so things could be alright. There was just another surgery left for today, and then he could take a break, clear his head. He didn't even need to be in the room this time.

Settling in between his colleagues didn't ease Aqua's nerves. The operation was the same as the one from before, yet Aqua couldn't recognize anything the doctors were doing. Had he really been there several days ago, observing and assisting with this exact process? The students around him took notes while Aqua stared, unable to comprehend the scene in front of him. He could practically smell the blood as if he was in the room again. Something had to be wrong. He was in the wrong place; he shouldn't be here. An overwhelming urge to flee overcame him, but that wouldn't be professional. Seeing Ai down there, looking over the body before smiling back up at Aqua was what made the decision for him. He needed to rest.

Muttered excuses to his colleagues allowed Aqua to return to the breakroom with nothing more than a few pitying looks. No doubt they assumed he was going to be ill. That wasn't far from the truth, but it had nothing to do with the surgery. The star fumbled for his phone, desperate to reach someone who could tell him that all this work he was doing had some meaning, that he deserved to be here. His clammy hands found the device, but his pale face had lost the battle to stay conscious with time. Kneeling over a trash can, Aqua retched a burning, violent bile rising through his throat and dragging all his suppressed fears with them. When the searing sensation in the back of his throat ended, he opened his mouth to scream, but no words came out. Nobody could hear Aqua Hoshino anymore, not even him. "I'm going to die. I should be dead," he muttered, his eyes closing as blackness deeper than a moonlit ocean enveloped him. The sensation was terrifyingly familiar, but Aqua no longer had the strength to resist, drifting helplessly into unconsciousness.

Dusk had fallen by the time Aqua awoke from dreamless sleep. In comparison to the morning's summons, he felt more at peace with himself. The stark difference made it easier to take in his surroundings. He was in a hospital bed, but not a hospital room. It looked like the kind of backroom that Goro would sneak off to sleep in between shifts. Before he could parse out how he got here, the single door to the room slid open, revealing his irritated superior. "You're up, I see. Come on, then. The director wants a word." The harsh tone Aqua was used to was gone. Perhaps Dr. Hotino did have some empathy buried under those years of callous treatment of his juniors, knowing what punishment Aqua had coming to him.

In this situation it was reasonable to assume that Aqua was about to be severely reprimanded, if not discharged from the residency program for abandoning his duties. In another program his reaction might have been laughed off as a resident losing their nerve, but this wasn't Aqua's first surgery, and he already knew some people were looking for an excuse to ship him out of or elsewhere in the facility. Either way, this was a severe problem his mind couldn't ideate a solution for by the time he finished following his mentor to the director's office. For a bigwig, the office was reserved, a wall of medical textbooks illuminated by the same generic windows that every guest at their fine establishment took advantage of. Aqua had heard that the director had commandeered what used to be a room for patients as his office to maintain a closer relationship to his team, and this appeared to hold true. He wasn't sure how taking up valuable real estate for patients helped, but he wasn't one to talk. "Mr. Hoshino, Dr. Hotino. Glad to see you could join us. I believe it's been a month or so, and you've already found your way to my office? That must be a record of some sort."

The older man's voice rumbled like he was dragging each word from it painfully. All his hair had long since migrated to his chin, forming a greying beard he tugged on as he regarded the student with a slightly amused twinkle in his eye. "Apologies, Director Satoshi." Aqua bowed, maintaining a straight face.

The director waved away the formal gesture. "Yes, well, apologies are all well and good, but I've yet to find a disease that can be cured by feeling sorry. I'm sure we're both busy men, so I'll get right down to it. You've lied to us, Aqua Hoshino."

That wasn't the opening line Aqua expected. He raised his head, allowing his confusion to be visualized. "Sir?"

"This is a merit-based institution. We don't grant favors, and we don't take bribes. If you have the skills to cut it here as a surgeon, no pun intended, we make damn sure that's what you become. When I heard you collapsed, I was ready to reassign you and be done with it. What's the saying, a dime a dozen or something? Not everyone can stomach what we do. But a part of me felt like there was something off about that picture. Why would a top student witness surgery firsthand then collapse after being asked to pay attention from afar? I'd heard nothing but good things from your mentor, as well. So I did some digging."

Aqua's eyes flitted over to his mentor for an instant. The man stood at attention, but his face told Aqua he'd rather be anywhere else at the moment. Hanging around men who could end your career with a word probably did that to people, not to mention the date the doctor was likely missing with his couch and tv. "And lo and behold, after one or two phone calls to our HR department and your new status for the afternoon as a patient, I find Aqua Hoshino's medical history. All the physical stuff is there, of course. Scars from an impromptu cliff dive, non-fatal stab wound to the abdomen, you lucky duck, and various other injuries from your acting career. All well and good, but I couldn't help but notice that, when I followed up with the organization, this part was missing from your application to join us." A paper was slid across the desk for Aqua to look over. "Care to explain?"

The document was about as comprehensive as any medical report, but Aqua could tell that it was an account from one of the several therapists he'd been forced to meet with after his father's death. "PTSD," Aqua summarized. "That was what one or two of them concluded when I was a child, I think."

"Yes, and far be it from me to belittle the life of a man who lost both parents before he could pay taxes, but why was that information not included in your physical submission to this program? If there's a risk of our doctor seizing up during an operation, shouldn't it be prudent for us to be aware of it?"

Aqua couldn't answer that question when he didn't know himself. Miyako had generously handled the grunt application work, leveraging the resources she already had as Aqua's manager. His confusion overshadowed the indignation he normally would have shown at being likened to his father. "I wasn't aware of this," Aqua admitted more to himself than the director.

"And normally I'd say it's not my business, but you've made it clear that this could affect your performance." The director tapped a pen against his desk, either lost in thought or pausing for dramatic effect. "I shouldn't have to explain to you that you're in the real world now, Mr. Hoshino. You can't use lies to cover up the parts of yourself you'd rather not have others see. Were your performance to this point not phenomenal and your circumstances not… extenuating, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

So that was it. Nothing about Aqua's performance was phenomenal, but the director couldn't outright fire someone on the merits of him being slightly above or below average. Covering up medical history was another thing entirely though, if he could squirm his way into demonstrating that he'd obtained it in a benign manner. It gave this director leverage over him that he would surely mean to exploit in some way. Regardless of the industry, there were those looking to pull down others to achieve their own ends. "With all due respect, sir, if you do not believe that I am qualified to be a part of this program, you have only to reassign or terminate me."

"Is that where you believe this conversation is going, or is that where you want it to go?" When Aqua didn't immediately respond, the director sighed, rising to his feet and revealing that he was about a foot shorter than Aqua expected. "Because we certainly won't have a doctor running around here with incomplete medical records, but that's beside my point. Why were you born, Mr. Hoshino?"

"To help people."

"Quick answer. Is saving lives the only way you could think to give your own meaning?"

"No. I believe that my work as an actor helped people too. But this has been a dream of mine. I want to use my life in a way that allows me to do both."

He hadn't meant to put any emotion into his act, but Aqua could still feel the scar on his abdomen burning. "That's a nice thought. You know, this is an important question for doctors to be able to answer, yet they always give me some variation on the same response. Disappointing, I say. All this peacetime has made you all complacent. I look at you and I see a man with not a damn clue who he is or why he's here. There's no twinkling star gleaming in your eye, no spark of desperation to…" The director trailed off as he waved his hand, searching for the right words to say. "Look, I'm not telling you to get in line, put your head on straight, or what have you. Just try being honest with yourself about who you are and what you want for once."

Aqua tilted his head. As far as he could tell, these were his honest feelings. Nobody in his mind had ever bothered to correct him, at least. The director shook his head, muttering something about the youth. "Whatever the case may be, you can't continue to work here as things stand. You're on leave until this paperwork is sorted out and I get confirmation from a doctor that you have your condition well under control. Mind you, the program requires you to keep up with your studies and all regardless of your status. I would expect that to be no issue for a promising youth such as yourself, but I won't grant you any more favors if you can't keep up when you get back. I also expect you to be able to explain to me why this incident occurred and why it won't happen again. For today, go home and collect your thoughts. You're no good to me with your naptime drool on your chin. Is that understood?"

It was the best deal Aqua could reasonably hope to get, given the circumstances. The man involuntarily rubbed his chin despite there being nothing on it. "I won't let it happen again, sir. You have my thanks."

"Mm. Thank me after you get back. While you're at it, use the time to think of a different answer to my question. Preferably an accurate one, if you don't mind. The others out there might not believe it, but I've been interested in your career for a long time, Mr. Hoshino." His smile was genuine, but it didn't reach the older man's eyes this time.

"Yes sir." There was nothing else Aqua could think to say in the moment.

"Well, good. Glad we sorted all that nasty business out without slugging each other. I kid, don't glare at me like that. Our people will contact your people with the details. You're free to go, killer. I'm taking a risk with you, but I think it'll be good for our team no matter what the payout is, understand? If you do, then go deal with that idol of yours already. She's causing a commotion in the lobby."

The mention of an idol jarred Aqua out of his lagging pace. He hadn't even spared a thought for how his faux pas would affect those around him. A foolish mistake. "Thank you, sir. I'll take my leave immediately."

Aqua's mentor followed him out of the room, handing Aqua his belongings that he'd retrieved for him and crossing his arms. "You heard the man. You're lucky you're not gone. One of the other residents who witnessed the first surgery was gone two days ago for less. To be clear, it's not that you're messed up in the head. All doctors are. It's that you're lying about it. Try to remember that, yeah?" Before Aqua could thank him, the man turned and walked away, clearly trying to get home as fast as possible.

If there was one thing about his mentor Aqua agreed with him on, it was the desire to get home. He wished he could have at least thanked him properly for his semi-willing care provided, but his own circle was demanding his attention. As soon as his phone was switched on, it buzzed. Glancing at the screen revealed several missed calls from his twin sister and Miyako among other messages he didn't bother to sort out. They could wait a few more minutes until he made it out of the hospital and could determine exactly what they'd been told by his superiors. A hand found his head as he meandered toward the entrance, slipping along the wall to avoid the never-ending stream of doctors and patients using the hallway. "What a pain, you idiot." Self-inflicted, but no less painful.

He'd allowed himself to become complacent with this life of his, and now everyone was going to fret over a problem that was his alone. Were he alone, Aqua might have found a sturdy wall to punch. Instead, he continued his shambling march like a soldier returning alone from war. One of the TV screens caught his idle attention as he pondered how he was going to clean up his own mess.

More on the investigation into the traffic incident that claimed the life of rising star Risa Takahata, who passed away after getting into a car accident while trying to evade paparazzi. Takahata was recently embroiled in controversy for her appearance on the late-night series Unscripted, staring-

The show name caught Aqua's attention. That was the series Mem had been talking about going on a few days ago. She had offered to bring Kana into it, but had been turned down due to other commitments. It looked like now the show was going to be postponed for a while. The thought of Kana or even Mem going on a show that was designed to reveal personal secrets bothered Aqua. What was Kana supposed to be doing today? Supposedly she was causing a ruckus in the main lobby, but the news was all about the dead starlet. Aqua felt his pace begin to quicken. The thought of someone other than Ai haunting his waking moments spurred his feet forward. When was the last time he and Kana spoke on the phone? Two, three days ago? It had been too long.

Aqua froze as he entered the main lobby to a somewhat surreal sight. In addition to the lines of people waiting to be helped, a new line had formed near the entryway, snaking into the rows of chairs meant for waiting patients and generally causing disorder among the barely controlled chaos. The security guards normally posted by the entrance had moved to keep watch over the target of the new line, Aqua's girlfriend.

Kana Arima was poorly hiding a distraught expression with a placid smile, waving and shaking hands with the front of the line in an attempt to placate them. Her straight red hair with pink accents had gotten a bit longer than Aqua remembered, masked partially by her black beret and baggy street clothes. She'd evidently been trying to blend in, but it was hard to do that when people knew where your boyfriend worked. As soon as she saw Aqua, she broke out into a relieved grin, breaking from the crowd to jog toward him.

For just an instant, Aqua was paralyzed. A beautiful woman was coming his way, and he was standing there slack jawed like this was the first time he'd ever seen her. Images of first seeing Kana as an idol on stage surged through his mind, the sudden nostalgia a sobering reminder of how long it had actually been since they'd met in person. The television never perfectly did Kana justice in Aqua's opinion, but the time he took to have that thought was all he needed to refocus on his role as a boyfriend. Sensing his cue, Aqua moved to receive her, the two embracing tightly like Aqua had just gotten back from a months-long deployment. "Hey, Kana," Aqua greeted warmly as she allowed him to lift her off the ground into their embrace.

"Hey, idiot. Two news outlets. They don't know anything yet." The whispered response was treated as a term of endearment, leaving Aqua blushing as they made a scene in the hospital lobby.

The guards were already walking over from where they'd been standing, no doubt looking to tell the couple off for their display. It wasn't the first time Kana had caused problems by showing up unannounced to Aqua's workplace. The whole line that had been waiting for Kana was already beginning to disperse in disappointment, though some stopped to gawk or take pictures of the hug. With a small apology and plenty of overacted joy at seeing his lover again after so long, Aqua and Kana managed to walk out of the hospital after only fifteen minutes of dealing with fans, bundling into a homeward bound car owned by Strawberry Productions.

Aqua and Kana sat next to each other in the back, the air becoming decidedly chillier as soon as the tinted glass prevented them from being seen from the outside world. Even though he expected this, Aqua still felt a twinge of disappointment when Kana crossed her legs and looked away with a pout, waiting for Aqua to speak. "Didn't you have another interview today?" Aqua asked, more uneasy with the silent treatment than usual.

When Kana didn't immediately respond, Aqua bowed in his seat. "I'm sorry for making you worry about me."

The apology earned Aqua a glance. "I cancelled the interview, of course. When I heard you collapsed, it was the only natural thing to do. Had to make up a whole story about getting something ready for Ruby's show next week. Are you alright?"

There was concern in her sparkling red eyes behind the cold explanation of the facts. Aqua nodded after a pause. "Yeah. Just overworked myself, I guess."

"I could have told you that. You look like you just got done boxing a tornado. Just like with Tokyo Blade, huh?"

The implication wasn't lost on Aqua as he used an offered mirror to smooth his hair out and correct his appearance while Kana snickered. She was accusing him of keeping her out behind the playful insult. She was right, and it wouldn't change Aqua's strategy. "Guess so. Sorry, my head's a little fuzzy. I can give you a full explanation later."

Kana tsked, giving him a 'what am I going to do with you' look. "Alright. I won't pry for now. But seriously, you can't scare us like that again. Ruby was blowing up my phone begging me to go check on you because she and Miyako are halfway across the country. "

"I told her not to do that anymore. For the record, I wasn't- No, you're right, I really am sorry."

The actress folded her arms, debating whether Aqua was being serious or not. "Well, as long as you understand. Annnyways, I've got a few days off, and it sounds like you do too. That means you have to make it up to me by spending as much time together as possible during this break, got it? It's been way too freaking long since we were together, so it's only fair."

Aqua smiled warmly at Kana, causing the woman to blush and glance both back at him and away, unable to commit to her own demand. If he called her out for this behavior, she would no doubt curse him out and rescind the proposal until he thought of a way to tease it back out of her. Amusing as that would be, Aqua hadn't the heart for any complicated scheming for the sake of it this evening. It was endearing enough to think that Kana could believe he would ever look at anyone but her. No matter what his personal feelings on his life were, he had to do what he could to protect that innocent smile she would insist she wasn't showing. Of that alone he was certain. As long as she was here, things would start looking up soon and he could shake the sense of doom from his heart.

Aqua offered an arm around Kana's shoulder that the actress accepted after the traditional pause to make Aqua think she was just doing it for his sake. "That sounds fair to me, miss. And for the record, I'm glad you came." An easy truth.

Kana let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding as she leaned into Aqua's arm. "I'm glad you're okay." Though the rest of the ride was filled with meaningless small talk and he had caught himself spiraling into unresolved fear just hours before, Aqua couldn't recall a time since his residency started when he felt so at ease.