Chapter 1
'Keep pressing on the wound like that. You're doing fine.'
The voice is so far away that he can barely hear it. He barely hears anything at all except the loud silence from below him. There's no sound, not even from his hands repeatedly pressing down on the wound; that is the second two things scaring him the most right now.
'Just keep pressing,' the far away voice continues to instruct. 'The ambulance team will be here soon, just keep pressing on the wound. Don't stop. Everything will be all right, just keep pressing.'
He knows. He knows. He's pressing. He's really pressing, and he won't stop pressing, but the blood won't stop passing through his fingers.
'Don't stop. Keep pressing.'
He has to stop the bleeding, he knows. He has to keep pressing down on the wound, he knows. He can't try to gather the blood and push back inside the wound, he knows. He has to keep pressing, he knows.
He is pressing.
He's pressing down with all of his might, but the blood won't stop flowing. He doesn't know what he's doing wrong, but the blood just won't stop no matter how hard he presses.
'It won't stop bleeding,' he desperately rasps, involuntarily speaking his first fear into the air, also asking for help - he's obviously doing something wrong.
It won't stop bleeding and there's so much silence. It's not right. He's been on dangerous missions before; there should be some moaning, some gasping for breath, some gurgling, some twitching, some uncomfortable sounds, but there's nothing. There's only silence.
'Just keep pressing,' the voice answers him. 'Everything will be all right. Don't stop pressing.'
He won't stop. He won't stop. He won't stop.
He can't stop.
26Chapters
'Ilgaz, brother... Mercan.'
Mercan, his daughter.
Her grandmother's had her since he brought her outside. Someone – he thinks it's Tuğçe or Laçin – mentioned that he shouldn't worry about Mercan. He didn't – isn't worried about his daughter. There's nothing to worry him about his daughter, so he looks up at Eren, lost, because Mercan is fine.
'I asked Tuğçe to get her out of here,' Eren sympathetically explains. 'They left. It's better if they're not here. I don't want her to see you like this. Your hands, your face, your clothes… Brother, she can't see you like this.'
He doesn't care about his hands, face or clothes. The ambulance came and left, and they – Eren and his father - forced him to remain behind. The people in the ambulance wouldn't let him in either. They said that it's a critical case, and they won't be able to accommodate him anyway. He could've driven himself, if only Eren wasn't holding him back with protocol and procedure.
'I know that you want to go there. I understand that you want to be there, but they won't let you in now,' Eren carefully tells him, laying a comforting hand on his shoulder. 'Please, brother, you know the procedure, no one can leave until we have all the statements. The longer that we wait to take statements, the harder it becomes.'
He looks down at his hands. His hands are red - not stained with red, they're just red.
What has he done?
26Chapters
'Dear prosecutor... Please... We have to take your statement.'
He doesn't want to, but he does. He looks up from the table and his red hands to the police officer sitting across him, catching the officer uncomfortably swallowing and shifting his eyes away from his face. There's a sense of shame around the officer's face, and he understands that the man can't run away from doing his job, but he just can't sympathise with him.
'We are required to ask what happened,' the officer uncomfortably tells him, 'so if you... Dear prosecutor, could start from the moment that you went inside the building...'
Eren said it's protocol, and he knows it's protocol, but it's all blended inside his head – where does he begin? The sooner that he can get protocol out the way, the sooner that he can follow the ambulance to the hospital, he knows, it's only that telling them everything that happened isn't possible right now. He can't exactly remember what happened separately from the next thing, it's all one big blend in his mind.
He remembers making it to the window and Yekta holding out Mercan to him. He got Mercan out of the building. He asked to talk to Ceylin and then gave her the news over the phone. He rechecked on Mercan just to make sure that she was fine, and she was fine, she only begged him to save her mother. He remembers being moved by the small request as it brought back memories of him being on the roof and unsure of what would happen to his family. Fear that he would lose the family that he just recently got back made his mind up for him, that as soon as he called Tuğçe to take Mercan, he was rushing back into the building.
While the others continued to evacuate Yekta and Laçin's team, he went straight to where Ceylin was, cautiously announcing himself before entering so as not to scare Okan and start a dangerous commotion. Actions started to blend into one blur from Okan reluctantly allowing him inside the room, to hearing the good news about the heart, to encouraging Okan to surrender before things got out of hand, to Okan suddenly panicking and aiming his gun at random people between intervals. He distinctly remembers standing in front of Ceylin, and then trying to reason with Okan as he took tentative steps towards him.
Everything was under control, Okan was lowering his gun, but then nothing was under control anymore as Okan suddenly lifted his gun, aimed and shot.
'Her heart,' he utters, both recalling and grieving, deeply hurting his soul's gaping wound; Ceylin was shot in the heart.
26Chapters
'Doctor…' he starts, holding the man's coat sleeve to keep him back.
The doctor looks at him expectantly, clearly curious and waiting, and he realises that just doesn't know what to tell the doctor.
All those assurances that he was just told were obviously meant to ease his worries, but…
Ceylin's the strongest person in the world, but…
'She has the softest heart,' he weakly completes.
It's a strong and very resilient heart, but it's also very soft and susceptible to breaking. Her heart breaks at the smallest of things, and when she's going through her monthly cycle, it breaks over running out of shampoo. He doesn't know if her heart being soft will override her overall strength, and he worries about that. He worries so, so much about it.
'We will do everything in our power to save your wife, dear prosecutor,' the doctor replies to him, squeezing his arm for reassurance. 'The best thing to do now is remain calm. Do not panic while we finish examining your wife to determine all of the injuries that she might have suffered. Please remain calm, dear prosecutor.'
What is this doctor saying?
He's worried to death about his wife's condition, but not once did he act wildly.
After the shot went off, he kept his eyes on Okan for two seconds, shocked by what just happened until someone shouted a shrill 'Aunt!' and he turned back to see his wife rapidly falling to the ground. He remembers shouting her name and rushing to her, where as he knelt, he also felt someone kneeling beside him.
'Stay calm, don't panic!' a voice said to him, sounding very distant to him. 'You can't panic otherwise you will lose her. Stay calm. Listen to me, stay calm and press your hands on her wound. Stay calm. If you aren't calm, you can't help her. Stay calm, don't panic, don't rush. Stay calm and press on her wound, it won't hurt her.'
He took those words to heart, following them, because they were the alternative to doing nothing but watching her die before his eyes. As far as his scared and traumatised mind understood, her life depended on him remaining calm and pressing on her wound. He's been collected ever since, because he can't be anything else. If he isn't calm, he can't help her – that's what he was told. And if he can't help her, then what on earth will he tell his daughter?
He will stay calm.
26Chapters
Nobody told him, or warned him rather, that having a daughter at home while his wife was in the operating room was a reality that would require withholding and omitting information. He didn't even consider it a possibility until his wife's mother wouldn't stop bawling over her critical daughter and her clueless grandchild. Even when the doctor left him, giving room for his father to comfort him and update him on Okan's situation, he didn't consider the actual consequences of what happened.
Now he is beginning to realise what needs to happen.
Looking at his wife's mother sitting next to him, still sniffling and repetitively muttering, 'My daughter,' under her breath, he can't help it be drawn to his own hands. They are still red, red with her blood, a red that he won't wash off until he knows for sure that she is safely examined and operated on; are these the hands that are supposed to hold his daughter tonight? It's that he doesn't want to clean them, getting rid of the evidence of her suffering, but he also can't comfort his daughter with them looking like this.
The last thing that he wants is to shake the stability that he and Ceylin have been trying to make for her ever since her return. It's crucial that she doesn't keep going from one thing to another. Already having gone through a car accident with Filiz, then losing her aunt Dilek, to discovering that she would change homes and call new people her parents, this incident with Ceylin can't be added onto the list. He doesn't know how Ceylin did it that Mercan wasn't scared of Okan and his gun, but knowing her, she must've made up some story to keep their daughter calm.
Ceylin had made it clear that she would protect Mercan at all costs, even if meant denying that she was their daughter, and he… He doesn't believe in lying even to protect his loved ones, but with Mercan's case... All he understands now is that he can't fail her as her father. He did it once when she was out there, being raised by a sick woman, and he will never forgive himself for it, so he can't do it again.
'Is she afraid?' he quietly wonders; should he wash his hands so that he doesn't scare her more?
'She's...' his mother-in-law starts to sob. 'She's strong like her mother.'
She is coping, in other words. That is what he understands, and it isn't comforting to know. If anything, it constricts his throat more than he is willing to bear. It's like he suddenly can't –
'It's a terrible thing what my grandchild went through,' she continues to sob, taking his attention away from his hands to her. 'I don't know what to tell her about her mother. My daughter will be fine, won't she, son?'
Her watery eyes plead with him more than he can accept, and he really cannot handle another person's emotions right now. His own are slowly starting to come to their senses, and...
'Mother Gül...' he swallows – can she not press on his wound? 'They are doing everything possible for her.'
'Oh!' she hysterically responds, covering her face with her hands. 'Oh, my daughter! I can't lose another one! Please, God, don't take my daughter!'
Oh, God, if his mother-in-law would stop pressing on his wound and tightening his throat.
'Mother Gül...' he swallows again, also placing a tentative hand on her shoulder. 'Please calm down. We can't help Ceylin or Mercan by losing ourselves.'
As a husband, he really wants to tell her to stop visibly being emotional while next to him, but as a parent, he cannot be that cruel. For that reason, he rubs her shoulder, hoping to soothe her enough to make her stop.
'I am the first to understand your fear,' he begins to explain. 'I don't know what will happen if anything happens to her, but they are trying as much as they are able. We should do our part and try to only be hopeful. Our panic doesn't help in her recovery.'
It's what he was told; panic is not good for her recovery. Panic will make her nervous and anxious, and then she won't be able to concentrate on getting better.
'Okay,' she quietly accepts, lifting her head to look at him. 'Okay son. We need to be strong for Ceylin. If she was in our shoes, she wouldn't fall apart. She would fight through all the pain until everything was solved!'
No one knows that better than he does, and that is why he needs to keep himself together, why he needs his mother-in-law away from him before she infects him with uncontrollable emotions.
'She would,' he remembers more than he agrees. 'She has amazing strength.'
'Okay,' she seems to decide, suddenly getting on her feet. 'I will wash my face and hands, and then I will go home to be with Mercan. I have no doubt that you will take care of my daughter.' Right then, she reaches down and strokes the side of his face. 'I thank God that you love my daughter.'
And he thanks God that her daughter loves him after everything that has happened between them, from her father's unfair imprisonment to Mercan's disappearance. If she was someone else, he wouldn't have her in his life.
'Thank you, Mother Gül,' he stands as well. 'Trust me, I can't let anything happen to her.'
Because if anything happens to her, he will die in every sense there is.
26Chapters
His right mind is coming back to him in soft paces, and each pace triggered by every person who comes to talk to him. First Eren, then the police officer, then the doctor, then his father, then Mother Gül and now the nurse. The nurse just left him an update on Ceylin's surgery, and as glad as he is to know that he will not lose her, the knowledge that he no longer has to restrict his feelings is jarring. So jarring that he has to sit back down, taking a breath, a long and deep one.
Here he is, in the hospital, far removed from the scene of the crime, and for the very first time in his life, he doesn't care to be part of the investigation or the interrogation. Not even once during all of this has he looked at his phone or wondered what Eren is doing. Sure, okay, Okan is a twisted man who had the guts to shoot his wife and then kneel next to him and instruct him on how to save her life, but he isn't worried about Okan in the least – he'll leave that to Eren and his father. For now, his mind and his heart belong only to his dearly beloved wife, the woman who suffered a punctured lung and a grazed heart.
26Chapters
Seven hours, including the time between her arrival and all the testing that she had to undergo before the operation, have come to this; him helplessly looking at her through thick glass. How desperately he wishes that he could take all of her pain into his own body. If it meant that she would leave the hospital, a happy and healthy Ceylin, he wouldn't hesitate to trade places with her.
The operation was reported to be a successful one – she didn't need to have any transplant or a foreign object inserted inside her body, and she apparently did well, but they can't allow her to leave the critical unit yet. For the next eight hours, they said, she will remain connected to machines for constant monitoring. Eight hours are a lifetime that won't allow him to relax, but he can at least look at her through this side of the glass.
How drastically things have changed, he realises.
There was a time when his biggest fear was disappointing his father.
From the earliest time that he could remember, his father was everything good and respectable to look up to, to model his life after. His father was a man very concerned with his family, a man who had strong values and admirable principles, a man who hated lies, and most notably, a man who always looked at his wife with softened eyes - his father undoubtedly loved his mother. Everything about his father was exemplary, and so he strove never to disappoint his father. With all that as the example at home, he couldn't have done worse than becoming the complete opposite of his father, thus, he never disappointed his father throughout the years.
The fear of disappointing his father seems like it never existed now.
That was never real fear. Whatever it was, it didn't make his body tremble and his mind reaches for every single memory that it has of her so that it doesn't forget who and what she is to him. Twice before, he came close to losing her, and during both of those times he couldn't sleep, and wouldn't take a break, because if he did, he would never find her. This third time, she isn't lost in the woods and she isn't kidnapped but shot, meaning that she is quite literally close to death, and the thing about that, is that he cannot see himself handling her death.
Just barely, he got his family back.
No one will ever know the darkness that he lived in since she asked him for a divorce and treated him like his existence sucked life from her. It's a darkness that he cannot ever go back to.
He cannot go back to that darkness, he just can't. He never wants to find out how life can be like without her.
'Please don't leave me, my love,' he whispers to her, but the thick glass, the vast space between where he stands and her bed, adding the soft humming of machines hooked into her body, don't let her hear his prayer.
26Chapters
When his phone first rang, he didn't register that it was his. It was loud and close, but he just didn't think that anyone would call him. It stopped ringing for a few seconds and when it started again, he mechanically pulled it out, just to look at the time, and that was how he spoke to Mercan on the phone.
His voice was shaky as he answered her innocent questions, barely containing his emotions, but in the end, he was left with no choice but to leave the hospital and get his daughter. She apparently didn't like the idea of not sleeping in her own bed, and so made her grandmother call him to fetch her.
Fortunately, she was already bathed and ready for bed when he arrived for her, and thankfully, she didn't ask him a single question on the way home, because he wouldn't have been able to contain his emotions. It was a task just to look at her face, seeing so many traces of Ceylin on it and not cry out in pain.
It's going to continue being a task not to break down, he realises as soon as he opens the door for her and she runs into the house calling, 'Mom!'
It's like someone is slicing his heart to make him bleed. Ceylin would've lit up to hear such an excited search for her from Mercan. It hurts that she isn't here to enjoy this moment when it's what she's been hoping for since Mercan returned to them. It hurts even more to be the one to break the bad news to his excited daughter.
He has to do it, though.
It's now or now, not later, and he calls out a quiet, 'Mercan,' with a voice lacking all authority and strength as he prepares for the inevitable.
She immediately comes running back to him, meeting him before he's fully made it to the armchair.
'Dad, where is my mom?' she asks with a frown. 'She's not in the kitchen. Is she sleeping already?'
Dear God, he silently tries to swallow down the lump that is beginning to form in his throat,please help me through this.
'Mercan...' he begins, his voice a little bit shaky, but not shakier than his steps to the armchair. 'Come, let's sit down, princess.'
How beautiful is it that she, Mercan, according to how Eren dubbed Ceylin, truly is a princess - the first descendant of a queen. He never realised that little detail until now that his world is in the hospital and forcing him to see things about life like he never did before. One of those things, is the precious first fruit of the love between him and his wife, who he is hoisting up onto his lap and holding her close so that she is secure and safe with him. He wonders, whatever will he do with her if they lose her mother?
'Mercan, did you like playing with Elif?' he asks as a way to relax her a little bit.
'Hm,' she shrugs while pulling a face, and then asks, 'Did you get my mom out of the game?'
'I did,' he quietly replies after realising that he cannot distract her. 'She is out of the game, but now she is at the hospital.'
He shouldn't prolong it, he decided, it would be worse for him if he did.
At least she doesn't appear to fully understand the answer, even if she does ask, 'Is she sick?' but somehow, that only makes him want to cry.
To fight the urge, he first swallows and then softly runs his hands down her little shoulder before asking, 'Mercan, can you tell me about what you were doing with mom in the office today?' for guidance on what to tell her about her mother being in the hospital.
'We were playing a game,' she tells him, 'but I was scared. I didn't like the game. It wasn't fun. Grandfather Yekta said that we won the game.'
To get a better understanding of how Okan affected her, he could ask why she was scared, but that isn't what he needs to tackle at the moment. Rather, he needs to get to the point of the matter to then deal with the aftermath.
'You played a game?'
Nodding, albeit sombrely, she says, 'My mom said that the man was playing a game with us. I didn't want to play.'
'But you played, and you won,' he tries to console her memory of that time.
'Did my mom also win?' she innocently wonders.
'She won,' he answers, swallowing hard. 'She won. She's at the hospital, because she's tired from playing. Mom is not small like you, and her energy is not like yours. She got very tired playing the game, so the doctors told her to rest in the hospital where no one can disturb her.'
Would Ceylin have told her the same thing? She wouldn't have told her the truth, that he's sure of, but is he at least close enough to what she would've made up? Oddly, it matters to him to have that specific connection to her while she's not her – it makes him feel like she is at home with them, only in another room.
Mercan being a child on the other hand, isn't able to comfort herself in the same way that he is trying to, which is most likely why she asks, 'She won't come home?' with childlike curiosity.
If only her innocence didn't make him want to cry.
If only he didn't have to ignore that urge to at least give her an answer.
'Not tonight, princess.'
He readies himself to hear the words, "When will she come?" but she rather asks, 'Who will give me clothes for school in the morning?'
Again, her innocence makes him want to cry, and this time it's harder to swallow down the tears, because he realises how easy it is to deceive a child. The worst could've happened, he could've lied to her, and she would blindly believe him.
In any case, he tells her, 'I will, princess,' even though he has never given attention to the task before.
'Will you also make breakfast?'
'I will.'
'Will you collect and tie my hair for me?' she wonders, actually looking like she doubts it.
He's no expert on brushing hair, much less collecting into a preferred style, but he answers, 'Yes.'
'And make my lunchbox?'
Along with his quiet, 'That too,' he nods, hoping that it assures her to trust him.
For a long while, she doesn't say anything to him, and as much as he would like to think that she is finished with her questions, something gives him the impression that she isn't. After all, he's noticed the small ways in which she resembles her mother, and if he knows anyone in the world, it's his wife. It's why he quietly waits for her to speak again.
'So then,' she finally starts, fixing her eyes on him, 'will my mom pick me up from school?'
He should tell her that she won't be able to, he should be honest with her, only, he can't break his daughter's heart when she's about to sleep.
'I will pick you up from school,' he says. 'Your mom will be resting.'
'Okay,' she accepts.
Her acceptance is enough for him to relax just a fraction and use the window to put her to sleep.
'Come on, princess,' he carefully gets up, 'let's get you in bed.'
26Chapters
Stepping into the doorway of their bedroom and getting the perfect view of their bed, he is immediately reminded of when she left him shortly after Cappadocia and just like that, memories from previous times consume him.
This is what every night will look like if the doctors can't save her.
Sleeping alone. In pain. With a heavy heart. Wishing that he dies in his sleep. Unable to mend his bleeding heart. Unable to keep her scent from his nose. Dying inside. Crying on his pillow. A hard and steady rock stuck in his throat. Being without her and having to live with the fact.
It hurts to think of sleeping alone in the bed.
He doesn't see himself sleeping tonight, because all he wants to do is be back at the hospital and watch her from outside the glass. Actually, he can't contain himself anymore. He doesn't even know how he didn't fall apart before, because he feels that he's been suffocating since he saw his wife fall to the ground. He is suffocating at the thought of possibly having to live without his wife.
He won't be able to live if anything happens to her, and the idea that he might have to, leads him to mechanically close the door and break down against it.
26Chapters
Those are soft voices. He's not fully aware of how he fell asleep after calming down and opening the door, but he can hear soft voices, and they sound –
Ceylin!
He instantly gets up from bed, barely looking at the time on his phone before hurriedly stumbling out of bed, through the door and into the sitting room with expectant urgency.
'Cey-?' he begins, only to suddenly cut off as his eyes land on Defne doing Mercan's hair.
If disappointment had a name, it would be Ilgaz Kaya where he currently stands. On the other hand, however...
'Your mom used to do this for me when I was young until I learned to do it myself,' Defne says to Mercan, with her eyes on him, acknowledging him.
'You were also small?' Mercan asks, apparently amazed by the fact.
'Yes. I was small and then I grew up.'
'Will I also grow up to be like you?'
'No,' Defne smiles down at Mercan's head, 'you will grow up to be like your mom. She's beautiful, isn't she?'
'She is,' Mercan nods. 'You are also beautiful.'
'Thank you, but now your hair is done and your father is awake. Let's give him some breakfast, okay?'
Hearing that, Mercan looks up his way to meet his face with a happy smile.
'Dad!'
'Good morning, princess,' he softly greets her.
'Look, my aunt gave me clothes and plaited my hair!'
'Very beautiful,' he replies, his emotions almost choking him as he looks at his sister. 'Thank you, Defne.'
'Good morning, brother,' she smiles at him as if dismissing his gratitude and then gets up from the sofa. 'Dad made some breakfast before he left. I will dish up for you.'
How and when did Defne grow up to be so much more of a caring and considerate child?
'Come, Mercan,' she invites with an open hand, 'let's go.'
Mercan happily takes the hand offered to her and as he watches them walk to the kitchen, another one of those hard stones form in his throat. He cannot deny that he is very fortunate to have the people that he has in his life. He loves them wholeheartedly, and would do the impossible to protect them, but without his wife among them, they are only half the circle.
Half the circle...
What's half a circle ever been good for?
He really, really wants to cry again.
26Chapters
Despite the interruptions and scares of life, life must go on. With or without the approval of anyone, life and time keep moving.
He couldn't put a hold on Mercan's school and every day life, neither could he put a stay on his professional life. He would've liked to skip this part to instead stand in the hospital, watching his wife recover, but he has to be here for her sake.
'We will prosecute the case anyway, but as the affected party, prosecutor Ilgaz, you do have the right to involve a lawyer and request the punishment that you find fitting for your case.'
Efe is doing his best, and he means well, however, he personally doesn't have the right mind to involve himself in the case. For one thing, before Mercan, he wouldn't have hesitated to say that wrong is wrong, and that the wrong party should pay for their crimes, and for another, he only cares about Ceylin opening her eyes again and coming back to him as he knows her.
Because this case involves a child, and Ceylin wouldn't want a mother to be separated from her child, he can't make a decision yet. If Ceylin was awake and able to argue with him on ethics and emotions, he would have better clarity on the issue, but since she isn't here, he will apparently have to reach all the fitting conclusions himself.
'Will Belkis be tried as an accomplice?' he wants to know – it'll be helpful in what he decides.
'Of course,' Efe nods. 'The law is the law. There are officer testimonies of her knowledge and support of the crime committed, and that cannot be ignored.'
'And the children?' he is almost afraid to ask, because both the primary school girl and the boy with the new heart are very vulnerable still; they still need their parents.
'We don't expect a long hearing,' Efe starts, looking at Eren beside him, 'but if no relatives can take care of the children while their parents serve their punishment, they will be handed over to the state for shelter and care.'
The state.
That doesn't sit well with him, especially for two vulnerable children, and while he is a state employee who trusts in the state's system, he just can't be sure about this. For a little bit of guidance, he looks at his father, silently pleading for any tip.
His father appears to understand perfectly as he requests, 'Prosecutor Efe, could I have a moment to speak with him?'
'Of course, but unfortunately, you don't have much time to make a decision on this. We want to do this as soon as possible, the families of the deceased want to bury their dead knowing that the man involved in their deaths is punished. If I don't have a petition on my desk by tomorrow afternoon, you will lose the window to contest our judgement on the sentencing.'
'We understand, dear prosecutor,' his father accepts on his behalf, and then pats him on the back as an invitation for him to leave.
'I'm in my office if you need anything, brother,' Eren volunteers, to which he nods.
'And I will be in court, waiting for you, prosecutor Ilgaz,' Efe adds.
'Thank you,' he returns before taking his leave with his father who leads him outside and into his car.
'Look, son,' his father starts as soon as he faces him in the driver's seat, 'this is a hard choice. On the one hand, this man almost took your family away from you, and on the other hand, is the risk of children being separated from their parents. I can't tell you how to handle this, but I can tell you what it's like to think that you are going to lose your child.'
'I thought Mercan had died,' he reminds his father. 'I know the feeling of loss.'
'It's not the same feeling,' his father gently refuses. 'Do you remember when your brother was stabbed in jail? It was one of the lowest points in my life. I remember feeling useless and guilty, like I couldn't protect my son and the burden of that on a father is... When you lost Mercan at sea, that desperation, son, you remember it.'
This is the part where he normally would've interjected to say that he never tried to hurt anyone while he was desperate. It's striking how he isn't in that state of mind now.
'Okan was desperate and he acted in the way that he thought was best. I'm not excusing his method, and to be honest, his wife's attitude makes it harder for me to fully sympathise with her part in the crime, but at the end of it all, they were only desperate for their son's life.'
Fine, he hears and understands that, but, 'Dad, if I had lost Ceylin…'
Many other people before him, including his father, have lost their loved ones, but from where he stands, he really wouldn't ever overcome her death. He has such a burning love for her existence that if she stops existing, the love will continue to burn destroying him from the inside.
'If that had happened to your mother, I wouldn't think twice about it,' his father soberly tells him. 'I would try to arrange the best care for the sick child and visitations until the mother was released, but they would get no sympathy for me. Son, it's one thing to forge documents in your favour, and it's another to provoke people's deaths and hold many others captive to get what you want. He has no respect for human life. His child's life is no more important than someone else's life. We love and protect the children before the adults, but not in this way.'
Precisely that.
Okan can't blame other people for not donating organs or not being compatible with his son's specifications. No one is obligated to give out their organs after death, neither should other sick people who are worse off than his son, be blamed for cutting the line because of their conditions. He had no right to provoke those people's deaths, because if any of those people had children of their own, he would've robbed those children of their parents.
That's the main thing for him here. His issue is not Okan being wrong, and his wife aiding him, it's more what will become of the children after their parents are imprisoned; both children are still in need of their parents care.
'Ceylin wouldn't want me to arrest the mother,' he comments with a small smile, sure of her stance on it. 'We would argue about it, I know. We'd disagree and she'd even want to be Belkis' lawyer if it came down to separating a mother from her dependent children.'
'Then we leave Belkis out?' his father carefully asks, but it is like he is against the idea.
'The state has to prosecute her for being an accomplice in the other cases anyway, Dad,' he replies and looks straight ahead. 'I'm only wondering if I shouldn't just let the state handle it. But then, would that make me a bad husband? Would it mean that I can't protect my wife? It's like I'm shifting my responsibility to someone else.'
'Look at me, son,' his father firmly commands, to which he complies, looking his father right in the eyes. 'No one can say that you can't and don't protect your wife. Ceylin will be the first to defend you against the one who dares to say such a thing! Do you remember how she tricked Filiz? Didn't she act confidently, because she knew that you would drop everything and do everything to protect her?'
'She did,' he quietly agrees.
'You see! This is not that, son. This is one of those difficult times in a man's life where he has to sit down with himself and make the difficult decisions for his family without any help from anyone. Only you will live with the burden, but as long as you have protected your family in the correct way, you have nothing to be ashamed about.'
'I don't want to fail her,' he confesses; he's done enough of that already.
'You won't,' his father assures him. 'Whatever you decide, I know that it will not be unjust or callous.'
'Thank you, Dad,' he receives the encouragement and after nodding to him, his father leaves him in the car going over what he should do about Belkis.
26Chapters
Inasmuch as being a prosecutor allows him many privileges, in this case, he is only allowed a little bit of time to sit by her side.
No more than thirty minutes, they told him. They said that she had woken up for an hour earlier, and even though her recovery is going well, and she is well over the critical period, it's not advisable to allow him much time at her bedside.
Thirty minutes aren't nearly enough, however now that she is out of immediate danger and all that she needs is proper rest, thirsty minutes are just fine. He will take them with absolute care, grateful in every sense, restraining himself from reaching out to touch her, and simply love her for fighting to stay alive.
26Chapters
Until Mercan quietly took off her shoes, removed her bag from her shoulders and then turned around to ask him, 'When is my mom coming home?' he thought that the hardest part of coming home, would be stepping into an empty house.
It's not.
He does step inside, and he is immediately stung with the pain of his wife's absence, but it's nowhere close to the pain of looking at his daughter knowing how he will disappoint her in a second. On a different day, the bigger concern would be the fact that he needs to make up an excuse at all, but not tonight. Not when two innocent eyes are waiting for his answer; he can't make those eyes sad, never.
'I will ask the doctors and then tell you, okay, princess?' he answers, also reaching down to smooth her hair with one hand and take her bag with the other.
'But she's supposed to pick me up from school tomorrow,' she argues, a small frown beginning to develop. 'Are you going to pick me up again?'
His clever little girl. She's taken note of their schedules and become accustomed to their routine.
'Until your mom comes home, yes,' he tells her, which only deepens her frown, forcing him to think of something else to placate her with. 'She wants to be with you, she wants to see you, but the doctors won't let her come yet.'
She lets out a small frustrated grunt and asks, 'Can't I go to see her there?'
Aah, what does he say to that? Their daughter really is a clever one, already thinking of solutions to problems. He has to be careful with what he tells her, because she might think of a solution to it. On the positive side, she resembles her mother in many ways, and thankfully, he is very good at appeasing his wife. After all that practice, his daughter shouldn't be too difficult.
'Not yet, princess,' he replies, crouching down to her level and gently placing his hands on her shoulder, 'but when the doctors say you can see her, I will take you to her. When will get flowers and she will be really happy to see you.'
As expected, Mercan makes a face, sulking for a moment and then shrugs as if to say whatever. It's hard to see her disappointed like that, but he would rather she be disappointed than see her mother lying weak in the hospital.
'I will go there as soon as I drop you off at school,' he promises. 'Maybe the doctors will let us see her after school.'
'Okay,' she answers, still sulking. 'I want to go to bed. Can I sleep in your room?'
Well, at least she is not so upset that she wants to stay away from him. That's a good thing, he supposes.
'Of course,' he assures her and drops a quick kiss on her head, 'but first, you're going to wash your hands while I make us a sandwich to eat. We'll share it, what do you think?'
'Okay,' she resigns in the most Ceylin-like manner possible, from her facial expression to the tone of her voice and to how she grumpily walks off.
Oh, his little Ceylin.
For as long as she isn't crying about her mother not being here, he can relax a little bit. Who knows, with his daughter sleeping next to him, maybe he might even be able to get some sleep before the early morning.
26Chapters
He's not in any hurry to get to her room. Not really. He wants to see her, of course, awake or asleep, but he can't count on the possibility that she is awake. As the nurse leads him to her room, giving him no updates whatsoever, he's only thankful that he can at least keep his promise to Mercan. Due to work, he won't be able to stay long, but at least he isn't breaking his word to his daughter.
He is worried about this visit, however.
Mercan is one thing, but there is still everyone else and their questions. Unlike Mercan who can only ask questions that are appropriate for her understanding of the world, everyone else has a deeper understanding of his relationship with Ceylin. They already check up on him, asking for the developments and if this visit doesn't work out as everyone hopes that it will, he's dreading to tell them that he still hasn't seen her awake yet. He's dreading their stares of pity the most. Even Defne treats him like he will fall and break his bones if he tries to do anything at home. If only he could find her awake to then report back to them that she is finally in the clear. Actually...
'I was wondering...' he brings up, stopping the nurse with a gentle grip on her shoulder as he comes to a stop, and when she stops and looks at him, continues with, 'if she's not awake now, could I be informed once she wakes up? I don't mind coming back.'
'She's awake,' the nurse simply answers, clearly not realising just how much she bewilders him.
By her expression, he can tell that she's not aware of the spike in his heart rate, or how he suddenly can't decide what he is feeling, and so he asks, 'She's awake?' just to express part of what he is feeling; he hadn't prepared for this.
'Yes,' the nurse answers with a smile. 'She's been awake for a while. We'll bring her breakfast in the next hour, so don't worry about any interruptions while you are with her.'
Because he still can't believe that once he reaches her room and steps through the door, he will be able to look into her eyes, he only nods.
'Please have a normal interaction with her,' she gently advises him. 'She's ready to go to a normal room, but we can only do that knowing that even when agitated, her heart and lungs continue to function as they should. I'm not encouraging you to upset your wife, dear prosecutor, but it would be better if we could tell how she reacts to unpleasant news during this period.'
Again, he only nods. His breath catches somewhere in his throat too, as charged anticipation floods his body, but he nods to communicate that he heard everything. Of course, he's not going to upset his wife, but he heard the nurse.
'Please,' the nurse invites him to walk with her again, showing him with her hand, to which he responds by greedily stepping ahead of her - he doesn't need her to lead him anymore.
He reaches her door sooner than he anticipated, and with the same greed that he walked with, he opens the door, selfishly shuts it after him to keep the nurse out and take two long steps to her side by the bed.
Her head had been turned the other way, but it turns to him as soon as he grabs the chair next to her bed. By the time that he's sitting in it and pushing it closer to her bed, she's weakly smiled at him, closed her eyes as if to gain some strength, opened her eyes, and smiled at him a second time.
'Ilgaz,' she then barely whispers, barely gets out, clearly unlike herself, but he swears on her life that it's everything to him.
Thank God, thank God, thank God.
He can't thank God enough that his wife is awake. She's come back to him, and he can breathe again.
Thank God.
'Hi,' he greets, barely managing not to choke on his emotions.
In fact, his emotions have him rising from the chair to kiss her forehead, lingering there for a while just to inhale the scent that he has gone without for two nights in a row.
'My love,' he breathes his relief onto her forehead, following it with another kiss.
Now that he is feeling her closeness as her scent wafts into his lungs, everything is so real; his mind fully understands that the chaos of waiting in fear and uncertainty is over, but his heart, his heart only remembers how close it came to losing her, and so it succumbs to tears.
26Chapters
The only other time that he remembers being this nervous, was the first time that he sat down with Ceylin's family to eat.
He remembers feeling unsure of himself, unsure of what was expected of him, and really needing her family to accept him in a sense. He'd barely survived the dinner, and he doesn't remember feeling nervous unsure of himself in that way since then. Until now, that is - now he's wondering if he shouldn't have gained more experience to know how to handle this current situation correctly. Because now, more than it feels like he can't breathe very well, he feels like he needs a little more time before they go inside.
He's not sure about this visit at all.
Yes, he's got Ceylin's favourite snacks in one hand and Mercan's hand in the other, and yes, Mercan's holding Ceylin's flowers in her free hand, but there's just so much to be nervous about.
There's the fact that Ceylin never heard Mercan call her mom before (will Mercan even call her that?), there's Mercan's expectation of how this meeting will go (what if she's disappointed that her mother isn't the same animated woman from before?), there's the pending conversation with about Belkis and finding the right time for it (is it possible to fit it in somewhere?), and then there's the worry that Mercan might see her mother in pain if something suddenly goes wrong (how will she handle the sudden shock?).
He doesn't know what to do with his nerves, until a short tug on his hand, and an excited, 'Let's go, Dad,' makes the decision for him.
It looks like he'll just have to live through this experience with his unsettled nerves.
Oh, well, in that case, just as long as he has his girls with him.
26Chapters
It upsets him that he only came to greet her and then leave. It makes him more upset that he needs to rouse her from sleep just so he can tell her that he won't be able to see her today. Instead of lightly stroking her neck to pull her from sleep.
'Hhmm,' she complains, not yet opening her eyes.
'Don't wake up,' he quietly cautions even though he's already interrupted her sleep. 'It's only me.'
As he should've expected, she doesn't listen to him, choosing to open her eyes anyway and look at him in question.
'I can't stay,' he apologises to her confused eyes. 'I have three hearings today, and I won't be able to come. I wish I could, but I can't.'
It's only thanks to his prosecutor status that he has the privilege to see his wife at an unauthorised time. At the same time, however, it's also only thanks to his prosecutor status that he cannot come back later today.
'Aylin will pick up Mercan and Elif from school, and she will bring them to see you, okay?' he tells her, hoping that will at least console her. 'I won't be able to bring her.'
'Tomorrow?' she offers in a whisper that bursts his heart open.
Now he really feels terrible for being cruel with her. Had he just called her to tell her this, she wouldn't look like he just gave her a taste of something heavenly only to snatch it away. Had he just called, he wouldn't have ruined her chances of going back to sleep knowing that she won't see him again all day.
'I love you,' he whispers back, apologising in fact. 'I love you very much.'
Today's outcome and her reaction to it better be worth saddening her.
26Chapters
'Do you remember when I wanted Mercan, and I thought that my life would be perfect afterwards?' she asks with a fond smile.
Of course he remembers that, he nods, it was in this hospital that they decided to have a child.
'It's not been perfect, Ilgaz,' she answers his nod, her smile fading and her eyes glistening with tears. 'What is so wrong with me that I'm always in the middle of problems?'
'There's nothing wrong with you,' he defends her, making sure to cement his statement by holding her hand.
It's unfortunate that he can't climb into bed with her, otherwise he would've drawn her into a hug for comfort. He just doesn't understand why she's thinking of something like this when her recovery's going well.
'There is,' she argues, 'and... Aren't you curious about why I haven't been like myself?'
'I am.'
So, there is a reason beyond her surgery.
He first noticed her reservation when Mercan came. Watching them interact, he convinced himself that her body was still adjusting to what the surgery had done to her, thus her lack of Ceylin enthusiasm. He didn't see her the next day, but her mother and sister did mention her difference when he picked Mercan up.
'At first I just didn't have the energy,' she starts explaining, her eyes staring at their joint hands, 'but after, I was testing myself. They said there was a possibility of my body being weak even after successful surgery, so I didn't want to risk that. I didn't want to die, Ilgaz,' she lifts her eyes to his. 'I didn't care about my death before, but now that we have Mercan again, I don't want to die and I was afraid that if I was Ceylin, if I spoke and acted like Ceylin, I'd create another problem, then I would die. Ceylin doesn't have a very good track record in life,' her head shakes like she's defeated by the fact. 'She's always almost dying and it's always one thing after another, and I just wanted to be safe for my daughter.'
Because he can't hug her yet, he settles for squeezing her hand as a form of understanding. As someone who's rethought the way that he is in life, he's going to allow her the room to say her feelings.
'I thought about what could've happened, you know,' she continues to tell him. 'What if I'd been shot in the heart, needed a heart transplant and got one? What would my life look like? Would my new heart know that it loves you or Mercan? Would I still be myself with the new heart? Would I have had to teach this new heart why it fell in love with you? Do you even know why my heart fell in love with you?'
'Don't talk like that, Ceylin,' he pleads. 'All this about old and new hearts. You're alive and that's all I am thankful for. Even if I had to spend the rest of my life reminding you to love me, as long as you are with me, I would be happy.'
And he means it. Under whatever circumstance she would let him love her and take care of her, he will be happy.
'I love you very much,' she responds, squeezing his hand and smiling at him.
His heartfelt, 'I love you,' in reply is to conclude that whatever doubts she might have, he will be with her anyway, which she seems to understand without further explanation.
'I want to go home,' she says, both randomly and not randomly. 'I miss everything about home. I miss seeing my daughter before I sleep.'
'She misses you too,' he assures her. 'She must be tired of me by now.'
'She can't be, she adores you.'
Coming from her, he's tempted to believe it, but the truth is, there's a part of him that still wonders if Mercan remembers how he avoided bringing her to the hospital. She's still young enough to not hold grudges, it's only that with the experience of being distanced from his sick mother, his intrusive thoughts are always fighting to stay in his mind.
'I don't know,' he admits in shame. 'The first two nights were the hardest for her. I don't think that she liked me a lot then. She wanted you there, and I wouldn't let her see you.'
'My poor baby,' she sympathises, strangely not saying more than that, not even a light comment about bringing Mercan to see her.
Even so, he feels the need to explain his reasoning to her.
'I was worried that you weren't truly okay, and I didn't want her to worry about you when she saw tubes connected to you. You know...' the memory is still fresh in his mind that, 'I never really forgave my father for keeping my mother's sickness away from us. I was wrong,' he humbly admits. 'I know that now. I know that no father wants their child to see their mother at their weakest. I would rather that she remembered an active and smiling mom, than have memories of how she couldn't hug you without causing you pain.'
He couldn't have done such an evil to his daughter.
'It's different being a parent, isn't it?' she appears to comment more than she's asking him, and he has no answer for her, not when she's hit the nail on the head.
'I don't agree with what Okan did, but as a mother, I completely understand his pain. I can't imagine what it feels like to watch your child dying before your eyes.'
Her own eyes are sparkling with tears, displaying her sensitivity, and automatically moving him out of the seat onto his feet to tell her the verdict of yesterday's hearing.
'He and his wife have been prosecuted,' he starts. 'His wife was -'
'I don't care,' she quickly interrupts him. 'I don't care about them. I don't want to think about what that means for their children, I only want to focus on my own family. I know that you did the right thing – you always do.'
He had Yekta defend Belkis, that's what he did. It wouldn't have been something that he allowed to happen otherwise, but with her in the hospital, he had to play her part in the matter. But all that information, he will keep until her release tomorrow, especially considering how set she was on never talking to Yekta again. In place of telling her anything, he bends down to kiss her forehead.
'Ilgaz…' she calls for his attention when he doesn't immediately pull away.
'Hhmm?' he moves back, straightening up.
'We should always take care of Mercan,' is her answer. 'It's been hard and we've been through so many things, but can we forget it all and just move on? I don't want to dwell on the bad things when I could've easily died and lost everything. I don't want us to live with any regrets about the past.'
'Is it really that simple?' he questions as he looks at her, also deciding to sit down for this.
He means, it's simple enough to forget the bad and only remember the good, but to get rid of regrets and forgive his role in the pain that they have suffered so far? It's... No, he can't do it. Being on his own the past few days has made him think about things in a profound way, and the only fitting conclusion that he came to is not letting himself off the hook - he doesn't deserve it.
'Yes,' she stresses, apparently reading his doubts. 'Okay, I blamed you a lot for not understanding me then, but I never doubted that you loved our daughter. It didn't make sense why you of all people gave up so easily. I expected it from everyone else, just not from you. Those were terrible times, Ilgaz. I don't want to keep remembering them. Can we just let it go? I don't even care about Filiz or Dilek anymore, I just want a new life with you and our daughter. I have this third chance at life, and I don't want to waste it. Please, Ilgaz.'
He nods in response, perfectly understanding what she wants and seeing where she's coming from with this conclusion, it's only that he can't just let it go as she's suggesting. She knows better than anyone else that the excellence that he expects from other people is ten times stricter for himself, therefore he judges himself harsher and forgives himself even less. Knowing better, he's always supposed to be better and more.
'I know that you haven't forgiven yourself,' she lets out a soft, teasing laugh but obviously not meant to mock him. 'Do you know how I know?'
'You know me,' he shrugs, because what else could it be if not the fact that she understands him as much as he understands her?
'We were always together after we got news about Mercan, do you remember?' she recalls. 'We only separated when it was time to sleep, but every hour that we spent together, I kept giving you hints. I practically threw myself into your arms, but it all went over your head. If I hadn't stopped us from going into the custody hearing, we'd probably be making arrangements about who has Mercan and Paskal this weekend. I see you look at Mercan sometimes and I just know that you have regrets.'
She's right, he thinks, looking at her with fitting shame.
She's right, his doubt was overruled by the very fact that she stopped them from signing shared custody, but before then he was hesitant to make a move for many reasons. Back then, trapped between his unwillingness to accept that he deserved being a family with Ceylin and Mercan again and the anger with himself for failing his own family, there was the fear of rejection, fear of hearing that she would never forgive him and fear of not living up to her expectations after everything.
She's right, he has so many regrets that he never wants to say a word that will hurt his daughter's feelings or make her cry - he did enough of that when he allowed a strange woman to raise her.
'Don't think about the past anymore, my love,' she tries to appeal to him during the silence, pulling her hand free from his and reaching for his cheek to lovingly stroke it. 'I don't want to look at you and know that you still regret something from the past. Yes, it happened, but it's over now. Don't mourn for something that's been corrected. Imagine if I still mourned Inci and my father, or if I still blamed your father and Çinar, or if I still blamed you, we wouldn't be a family. I want us all to be a family like before. I want Mercan to have grandfather Merdan, grandfather Metin and grandfather Yekta. Yes, I've forgiven Yekta too, because I just want my whole family back together, Ilgaz. We were all so happy, because we forgave each other.'
No, he lightly argues in his head, they were all happy because she has this outstanding ability to forgive the unforgivable, and when she does, everyone falls at her feet with love for her. He's very aware that without her in his life, their big and extended family wouldn't exist.
'Please forgive my husband,' she begs him, repeating the caress on his cheek. 'I love him very much and I don't want him to carry any burden that he doesn't need to anymore.'
Letting out soft sigh, he confesses, 'I don't know if I can, Ceylin,' according to his feelings on the subject.
Would it be fair to forgive himself? Shouldn't he always be condemned for giving up on Mercan's life, for the pain that she felt when her parents weren't there when she wanted them, for all of Ceylin's pain during the years, for their second divorce that he never contested, and for recently failing to keep her safe from a bullet? For the bullet especially. He'd been right there, and still failed to protect her. Maybe she was shot precisely because he was there - who knows what would've happened if he'd just stayed outside of the building? Maybe someone would still have been shot, but maybe it wouldn't have been Ceylin.
'You can, my love,' she softly argues with great conviction as if to close the subject with faith in his abilities.
Truthfully, that's enough of a reason to give it some real thought and consideration. As hard as it might be to fight himself, what's important is that her faith in him isn't wasted because he has impossible standards for himself.
'I will try,' he hesitantly gives in, and with all sincerity adds, 'I promise,' to ease her worry.