Chapter 2

She just doesn't understand why Eren still firmly has his hand on her shoulder, holding her back. It's not like she can do anything to Nil now that Ilgaz is leading her away. Actually -

'Where are they going?' it suddenly occurs to her as her eyes follow them walking down the corridor.

Just seeing them walking next to each other is like a razor to her heart, which she could somewhat usually stand before, but now that she thinks about it, why did he chose to pull Nil away, leaving her to Eren?

'Eren, where is he taking her?' she asks again, impatiently pointing her hand at them and then faces him.

'I don't know,' Eren answers with a shrug. 'He probably wants to ask her in private.'

He couldn't have given her a worse answer! More than that, his nonchalance about it is pissing her off so much so that she roughly pulls herself away from him, and tries to move past him, except that he manages to get a grip on her, holding her back.

'Ceylin!' he calls her name with urgency.

'Let me go, Eren,' she struggles against him.

'No,' he shoots back. 'I won't let you create trouble for yourself. Miss Lawyer there will make sure to complain about you to the Chief Prosecutor for any small thing that you do. Don't lose your head and give her more reasons to complain about you.'

Her heart knows that he means well, only looking to protect her interests, but he doesn't understand. What does she care about Nil's stupid complaints? The issue here is that the last time that Ilgaz was alone in a room with Nil, Nil hugged him. Like she belonged to him, she actually put her arms around him, laying her head on his chest and let out a breath of relief like she just found the perfect comfort.

Uff, just the memory...

Uff, that feeling like she was running out of breath and falling into an endless hole...

No, her head moves from one side to the other, she won't experience that again, especially when she's already emotionally unbalanced. There's excitement and fear, there's uncertainty and anticipation, and then that stupid woman easily boasts about how close she was getting to Ilgaz...

'Come, let's go out for some air,' Eren suggests to her, sliding his hand down to her arm for better guidance. 'I know that look.'

'I don't want to get some air,' she refuses, just then turning to find out where the two have gone to.

She shouldn't have looked, because now her blood is boiling at the of them sitting down across each other... Nil's probably counting on Ilgaz patiently talking to her, but the idea of Ilgaz treating her softly feels like ants are crawling under her skin.

'You need some air,' Eren presses, probably noticing her reaction. 'Don't worry about her, Ilgaz will take care of it.'

'Is that what she thinks?' she quietly challenges as though Nil had said those words and not Eren.

If Nil thinks for any second that she will have the chance to try and sweet talk Ilgaz into letting her go for saying stupid things, she's got another thing coming. To prevent the slightest opportunity, her hand reaches into her back pocket, coming out with a phone and just as she unlocks it, Eren's hand on her wrist stops her from entering her call log to find his contact.

'Hey, what are you doing?' he wonders, visibly confused.

Without giving him an answer, she goes back to operating her phone, immediately pressing the call button as soon as she reaches his contact, then raises the phone to her ear. Of course her eyes remain focused on the two of them in Eren's office, she only wishes that she could hear what they were saying as he reaches for his phone on the table.

'Ceylin...' Eren lightly shakes her arm for her attention, but she only cares to watch how this will turn out exactly as she knows it will.

It's no surprise that he looks up her way upon seeing that it's her calling, but he does touch a sensitive part inside her when he stands up to answer with a worried, 'Did something happen?'

'I'm hungry,' she tells him, immediately hanging up and not bothering to look away, because she wants it very clear that she doesn't want him talking to Nil.

It's that straightforward, and she's that shameless about it. He was anyway coming to question her, not have private meetings with her.

Of course, she knew that he would pay her more attention than Nil. Just look at the way that he is quickly dismissing her, putting up his hand to stop her and moving towards the door. From this point onwards, she turns back to Eren, satisfied with the fact that Ilgaz left her in there. Nil can do whatever she likes now, she doesn't care.

'Oooh, Queen!'

Eren is apparently impressed by her tactic, and he's not hiding it. It's just like him to be excited about the little things between her and Ilgaz, so she can't blame him. She can, however, play dumb and act like she doesn't know what he's hinting at.

'What, Eren?'

'Can I be happy?' he asks, smiling like one of his dreams just came true.

'There's nothing to be happy about,' she mumbles in denial, making sure to carefully avoid his eyes for the second that she speaks.

Even if it wasn't her intention, she definitely gave herself away with that minimal action. It's only fitting then, that Eren raises his eyebrows to challenge her claim, obviously not believing her. Why did she even bother trying to fool him?

'For God's sake, Eren, don't!' she lightly scolds him. 'Everyone knows why we're not married. It's not a secret, therefore, there's nothing to be happy about. Don't look at me like! And maybe I just want to eat!'

So what if she's decorating the truth with a little lie about food? She doesn't need to give explanations to anyone, much less to Eren who knows too well how her feelings for Ilgaz look like.

'Oh, my Queen,' he mock bows before her, placing one hand on his heart and the other on his back, 'you have made me the happiest person in the world!'

She's doing her best not to smile at his display, and she doesn't know how well she's managing it, but she honestly rather likes this familiar banter from him. It's been so long since she felt relaxed enough to enjoy the simplest of jokes...

'Eren,' softly leaves her mouth, not quite encouraging him to go on, and not asking him to stop either – it's just a form of acceptance, she would say.

'I'm serious,' he responds, his smile still present but looks like nothing compared to the light in his eyes. 'Can I tell you something? I have been praying for this day!'

The image of Eren on his knees praying for her and Ilgaz to make up isn't completely unbelievable, in fact, it's quite possible, which is why she finally stops fighting a smile. But she won't let him get carried away like he didn't play a part in Nil being close to Ilgaz all this while.

'Shut up, Eren, don't lie! If you were really praying for this day, you wouldn't have let that one follow him everywhere.'

Sure, Ilgaz is not one to be told what to do when it comes to work, but Eren could've influenced him to not allow it so much. She didn't necessarily care that Nil was taking on the cases that he was prosecuting, it was more that she used to be the one who worms her way into following Ilgaz to the cases that interested her. Her dislike for seeing them together ran deeper than just seeing them walking together, and Eren let it happen.

'She's a lawyer,' Eren reminds her, putting his hands up in surrender. 'She went to cases with him.'

Oh, please, 'She deliberately followed him, and I will never forgive you for not stopping it.'

Who knew that she would end up admitting how much it bothered her to see them in the same place, at the same time? But then again, with her emotions being a mixture of things and Eren being Eren, it's no surprise that he managed to loosen her up and confess to feelings that she's kept inside for a few months now.

'That's not fair, Ceylin,' he tries to defend himself. 'I swear, I'm powerless. If it was up to me, I would've forbidden her from going anywhere. Trust me, she's too much, yaa. She's too much, I swear! It's always this and that. She's always complaining to this chief and that chief.'

As true as that is, she can't help it frown at him. If Ilgaz had taken a liking to her, Eren would've loved her. His loyalty to his friend is that much, and she will remind him of it.

'You were going to make her your friend, just like Neva was your friend.'

'Look,' he holds her back from moving, 'I only have one heart and a specific place for you, my Queen. You are my darling soul, and there will never be anyone in your place in my heart. Even when you hate me and never talk to me again, I will always keep your place for you.'

'Eren…' she tries to dismiss, also resisting a smile, when the truth is, it feels really good to be herself again.

This news about Mercan is exactly what she needed the most. It really helps to have Eren around, making her comfortable and relaxed enough to be open with him, and of course, to pull a smile from her.

'Aah, here comes Ilgaz now,' he states and then pats her shoulder. 'Get some fresh air with him. I have work to do. Bye.'

His goodbye lingers by her side longer than he does. Really, it's incredible how fast he runs off in the other direction before she's even had the chance to properly assess how close Ilgaz is to them. It's just like him to play matchmaker for them. Why did this whole exchange suddenly remind her of the one after her first divorce? He'd made her admit to the truth then and then just ran off, leaving them together…

'Where's he going?' Ilgaz wonders with a frown as if he doesn't know his friend, and she just shrugs and pulls a face. 'Okay, did you want to get something and come back here or…?'

Actually, she only wanted to prove a point that she could make Ilgaz drop everything for her, but if she can get a meal from it, sure, she'll eat.

'You choose the food,' she agrees.

Let him do the driving, choose what they're eating and make the payment, just so he can see that she is opening a window for him to take care of her as he likes to do. Also, despite their undefined situation, if there's anything that she's going to do while they get Mercan back, is make sure that she gets back into her rightful place.

26Chapters

So much for rushing out of the car, in an attempt to find the nearest mirror, and collect herself enough before she interacts with anyone. She should've anticipated that her first step into the station would be intercepted by Eren.

'Good morning, Queen,' he welcomes short of opening his arms for her.

'Good morning,' she returns, showing him a smile just small enough to demonstrate that she can't talk to him just yet.

'Ilgaz?' he wonders, craning his head to look for him behind her.

'He's coming.'

'Mhm. The Chief Prosecutor is here,' he informs her, 'and she's not happy.'

When will Eren understand that she doesn't care about who's unhappy with what she does?

'We'll see her,' she replies but not without rolling her eyes, and making to move past him with the excuse, 'I just need to wash my hands first,' only he holds her back.

A little impatient with him, and more for the fact that she really needs to look herself in the mirror, she asks a short, 'What?'

His response of a smile completely extinguishes her impatience, and rather ignites her curiosity enough to give him her full attention. Suddenly, she's moving very close to him, alive in a way that she wasn't before.

'Eren, is there news about Mercan?'

With a falling face, he answers, 'No, no, I'm sorry. I'm just happy to see you, Queen. I didn't mean to disappoint you.'

'It's okay,' she resigns with a sinking heart. 'I was just hoping.'

'I'm really sorry, Ceylin. Forgive me,' he pleads, 'but you know what? I'm really happy to see you this morning. You can't imagine how happy I am.'

He said that already, smiled just like that too, but this is her first time noticing how he runs his eyes down, maybe to her chin and lower, where his smile brightens.

Now it all makes sense, she mentally slaps herself.

'What did I say to you, Eren?' she hits his shoulder, knowing very well that she can't deny anything when the evidence is clearly around her neck.

'I didn't say anything,' he defends himself. 'I swear I'm only happy to see my best friend this morning. I missed you, and now I'm happy that you are here.'

Not believing him, or rather, understanding what he really means by missing her, she looks at him sideways, trying to decide how to deter him from making a fuss about something that was suddenly sprung on her as she was getting out of the car.

'Hmm,' she decides to say, mostly not to get caught up in the significance of Ilgaz asking her about the necklace, 'I wonder if you say the same things to him that you say to me.'

'Of course not, I'm only like this with you, my one and only precious Queen.'

'Liar,' she laughs lightly - this Eren can be such a soothing balm to her soul. 'I can't say anything to you without it reaching him.'

In fact, she's wondering if Eren knew about the necklace before she did. There's no doubt that everyone who sees the necklace will immediately know what it means, but how fast was Eren to notice it? It's been two days since their last talk when she almost choked Nil and he immediately notices a necklace that she just put on?

'I would never betray you like that!' he confidently denies. 'But if my brother happens to ask me questions that I have answers to…'

'My God!' she rolls her eyes. 'Go, Eren. Go wherever you were going. You're already giving me a headache. Go.'

'I'll see you in a bit,' he promises with a jovial laugh before he takes off out of the entrance.

Looking for Ilgaz and wondering why he hasn't appeared yet, she keeps her eyes in that direction. She wonders if he's still inside the car, still stunned by how easily she made him put the necklace on her. So much unspoken love and understanding passed between them in two days when they ate together, when they got the DNA results, when they hugged for the first time in almost two years, and when they found her necklace, how did he not realise that she would want to wear her necklace again?

26Chapters

If anyone else sees her and asks why she's closing his door while still inside his house, she will say that she's here because she feels guilty for not acting fast enough. And then she will back that up with the explanation that she won't like to find Mercan only to tell her that her father was dead. Her last reason would be that someone had to drive him home after the hospital was finished bandaging his arm.

If he asks, on the other hand, she wouldn't know what to say.

She obviously can't tell him that her soul almost left her body when she saw him staggering and falling backwards from the gunshot. Or that even when saw that the impact was on his arm and she knew that he wouldn't die, she still feared that he would. She could maybe tell him that she's still waiting for his gratitude for shooting Efe's father and saving his life? Maybe that would be enough to satisfy him?

He better just not ask her, though. No, better yet, she'll intervene before he can wonder why she's still here.

'Do you want some tea?'

Either surprised or very surprised, he quickly turns his head, no, his whole body to her and it's a miracle that she doesn't burst out laughing at the picture. He couldn't have looked more taken aback in his life.

'What?' she wonders, making a gesture with her face and shoulders to act like she doesn't know how off caught she just caught him.

'No…' he starts, swallowing for a second and then seemingly coming to his senses. 'I just thought… I was going to ask my father to drive you home or you can take the car, and I will get it in the morning.'

Translated, he rightfully assumed that she would leave after bringing him home. Considering that they didn't say much of substance to each other since they left the hospital, he's very right to not know where they stand, but on the other hand, what does he think, that she's obligated to be here? And anyway, what does it matter why she's here, when she's here? She's here and that's it.

'Did you eat? No,' she asks and answers her question. 'I was with you all day, one sandwich doesn't count. And you can't move your arm too much, can you?'

'It's not so bad,' he says jokingly. 'I've been shot before, I'm used to it by now.'

Well, she's not, she wants to respond with. She's not used to seeing the people that she cares about being shot in front of her. And to be honest, she's still not over seeing him being shot. She won't tell him that, of course. Neither will she come right out and tell him that to ease her worry, she will stay with him all night. If he's not clever enough to pick that up for himself from her clues, then that's his problem, not hers.

'Whatever,' she tactfully dismisses as if she doesn't care about what he's saying. 'I want tea. If you don't want tea, then go to bed or take a shower. I'm not going to force you.'

There's a moment of silence where he only looks at her, saying nothing, and from his eyes, she more or less read what he is thinking.

'I'll have tea,' he finally says. 'Thank you.'

So as not to give him more time to look at her and risk them getting into an extremely vulnerable space, she begins towards the kitchen. Inside there, she deliberately starts to make a show of getting the kettle ready, turning the water on and getting the cups for tea.

While busy with that, she makes sure not to pay attention or listen for what he might be doing somewhere in the house. Whether he's still standing there looking at her, or he's gone to take a shower, she cannot think about it right now. She'll only focus on making the tea and some cupcakes to go with it.

26Chapters

Whatever she thought would happen when she decided to spend the night here, it's definitely not that memories of her time here would consume her to the point of stealing her ability to sleep. At the very worst, she'd been afraid of staying the night.

Of course, she wasn't scared that anything would happen between them if they slept in the same bed, but she was scared of easily falling asleep because he was on the other side of the bed. She didn't fall asleep just because he was there, instead, because he was there, she couldn't find sleep. Since the moment that she walked around the bed and got in, her mind hasn't been able to stop thinking.

First, it was how she did everything in the kitchen without thinking about it, reaching for everything knowing exactly where it would be. Then it was that photo taken on her birthday, standing right there on the shelf closest to his bedroom. Lastly, it was that this used to be her home and being here brought back so many memories.

Memories of his touch and how he would hold her before they fell asleep. Memories of his whispers when they would make love. Memories of his forehead kisses. Memories of the different ways that he says her name; when he is serious, when he is relieved, when he can't believe what she just did and when he calls her my love. Memories of misses how they loved Mercan together. Memories of a life that she misses, a life that was taken away from her.

And now she really wants to scoot closer to him. It's not complex or complicated, it's rather really simple.

Why can't she stay here? She knows where everything is and where her clothes will go if she brings them. Why can't she have his contact saved like it used to be before, when her heart would sing a special memory at seeing it light up her screen? Why can't she reach out and touch him just because she can? If she sneaks her head under his shoulder, she knows that he will immediately turn around and hold her in his arms and she would feel so comforted, so why can't she just...?

Something continually happened since the T-shirt came, that she hasn't had a proper moment to process and express everything about it to the last detail. What she does know without having to think about, however, is her love for him and that she is so tired of feeling grief and emptiness, so why can't she just fall back into their old life while they are trying to get their daughter back?

26Chapters

After a short, too polite knock, a soft, 'Ceylin, can I come in?' follows, making her look at the closed bathroom door.

'Come in,' she invites, just then righting herself to meet him full on as he enters.

'Good morning.'

'Good morning,' she answers him, briefly looking at his arm to see if it is bleeding or anything close to that.

'I won't keep you,' he begins. 'You probably want to get home as soon as possible to change your clothes, so I will be quick. I made breakfast, if you will eat, and then we can go to your house for whatever you need.'

'Okay,' she nods, not knowing how else to respond to him.

'Okay,' he also nods to continue talking. 'I only wanted to thank you for being here for me. You didn't have to sacrifice your time and your night for me, but I am very thankful that you did.'

It was only one night, also, 'If I didn't come, Nil would have.'

She lays that out between them not necessarily to blame him, but to express some of her frustrations about that woman. It's like the woman was on a mission to take over everything, her place next to Yekta, her place next to Ilgaz, her lawyer presence in the station... That woman frustrated her more than anyone can ever imagine, and so she will find any and every opportunity to air out little jabs here and there.

He doesn't appear to appreciate this particular statement, though – far from it.

'Ceylin!'

'I didn't say anything that's not true,' she quickly responds, her hands going up in innocent defence.

By the frown on his face, he is clearly uncomfortable with what she just said, but that doesn't stop it from being true, unfortunately.

'She wouldn't have done what you did,' he tried to reason in a tone soft enough to announce his shame about the matter.

'No,' she agrees with him for once, 'she would've taken advantage and loved every single moment of it. If she was sleeping next to you or helping you do basic things, and making your coffee in the morning, the whole court and station would know about it.'

'Please stop talking about Nil,' he begs, his expression serious. 'I don't care about what she would've done,' he adds a little too aggressively. 'She wasn't here, you were.'

I don't love her, and I love you, she hears in all that he doesn't say.

It's as plain as anything that he still loves her, and precisely because of that, she keeps quiet. The days when she could ignore his looks of longing withered away as soon as they bonded over Mercan being out there in the world somewhere, and then embraced each other. Since then, it's impossible to ignore them when they are constantly next to each other.

'Ceylin, look, I just wanted to ask you for one thing,' he starts upon realising that she doesn't have a rebuttal for him. 'It's been a long week, and everything seems to mix together at this point, but I still know that I can't make you happy. You were only here because you needed to be, but even like that, I haven't felt more at peace recently. Everything happened and even though nothing is clear to me, and this search for Mercan isn't moving fast enough, everyday didn't feel like it felt before.'

That makes it true for both of them, she answers him in her head. It's like he took most of the words from within her.

'It's important to know that,' he carries on, 'because you will leave, and I will stay here. I don't know what will happen before we find Mercan, but I just need you to tell me when you do leave. Right now, there's nothing worse than the idea of leaving home, expecting you not to come back with me, only for you to return and then when I think you will stay, you suddenly leave.'

She knows what is happening. She understands what he is trying to say, because something similar happened when Defne was kidnapped. They worked closely together then, just as they are doing now, and he depended on her being with him then, just as he counts on her sticking with him, and during all that, their love and need for each other became highlighted. She can imagine that he's probably scared of falling deeper into his feelings when there's absolutely no chance for them. But there is a chance, doesn't he see? She's very focused on finding Mercan, but she's with him when she could choose to search on her own with Yekta's help.

'I don't have the right to ask this of you, but I'll ask anyway,' he continues after the short pause. 'Please tell me before you leave. Don't just wake up, have breakfast with me and then decide in the middle of the day that you won't come back. I don't want to receive a message that way. Maybe that's what I deserve, but please don't do it. I need a warning to prepare for your absence, to know that you will go back to ignoring me in the corridors and avoiding me wherever you can.'

'Okay,' she nods only as consideration for how uncertain he has been acting since the necklace, not because she will go back to ignoring him ever again.

Even if she wanted to go back to treating him like before, once Mercan is back, that cannot happen. Once they have Mercan back, she will get her life back to normal, and she will become the happiest woman to make up for the years that she didn't feel any happiness.