4. LUST
June 1996
When Draco entered the girls' dormitory, Pansy was wearing a childish, pink pyjamas with a pattern of unicorns on it and she was drying her freshly washed hair with a towel. He could see her nipples through her top and instantly smirked.
"All right, Pans?"
"Draco!" She exclaimed and hurried to put her pink dressing gown on. "What are you doing here?"
Her cheeks were flushed when she turned to him. He took the liberty of seating himself on her bed.
"So, this is where you sleep?" Draco smirked.
"You've seen my bed before."
"Not since we started going out. It's been three months and you've never let me in your dorm, we're always in mine, so I thought I'd come check the place out. So is this where you finger yourself while thinking about me?"
"Shut up!" She laughed and slapped his arm. "You're such a pig."
She got up to sit by the shared vanity, studied herself in the mirror and started brushing her hair. "Why are you in here anyway?"
"Thought you could give me a massage. I spent the last two hours cleaning up after those sodding fireworks with our dear Headmistress," Draco groaned. "Manual labour is not what I had in mind when I signed up for the Squad."
"I love her, but she's taking the piss making you do something like that," said Pansy. "You're a Prefect for Merlin's sake! Isn't that what House-Elves are for? And Filch!"
"I know. But she let me in on some information."
"Oh?" Pansy raised an eyebrow at him in the mirror, always keen to gossip.
"She's adamant Potter is conducting some sort of duelling club in secret."
"Surely not," snorted Pansy. "Who would listen to that prat? I can't see anyone joining him, other than that jumped up Mudblood and Poverty Boy."
Draco smirked, amused at her new insult for Weasley. "Are you going to give me a massage then?"
"Do I look like a House-Elf to you?"
"Is that what House-Elves do? Mine certainly never did."
"Besides, if anything you should give me a massage. I'm a lady, you need to be courting me."
"You're hardly a lady. And I already have you."
This earned him a glare through the mirror.
"Are you going to come to bed or what?" he said teasingly, as he watched her brush her hair and apply various creams to her face.
"In a minute."
Impatient, he got up from the bed, walked over to the vanity and embraced her from behind. "I didn't even get a kiss."
She tilted her head back and let him kiss her.
"Come here," he demanded and pulled her up towards him. She shrieked in delight when he tickled her and carried her to the bed, her slung over his shoulder. "Draco put me down!"
He threw her down on the bed and moved in over her immediately. Instead of kissing her mouth, he ripped open her robes and began kissing her breasts. She giggled and pushed him away.
"When are you going to let me shag you?" he groaned into her ear, making her laugh again.
"When you stop begging for it!"
He gave a very frustrated groan into the pillow, something that sounded like "Merlin's pants."
She played with his hair. "Let's just sleep," she said. "Don't you want to sleep with me?"
"More than you know," he muttered.
"What's that?"
"Nothing."
She turned on her side. He sighed and lay down behind her. She grabbed his hand and put it around her. His hand immediately went to grab her breast, but she giggled and pushed his hand away. But later on she was purposefully rubbing her bum against his crotch and he couldn't help but to groan out loud into her ear.
"Pansy," he said warningly. She giggled again.
"Do you like that?"
"I think you know I do," he muttered. "Bloody tease, you're the one who says you don't want to."
"It's not my fault you have no self-control."
"Maybe if you weren't pushing your bum against my dick—"
"Draco!" She exclaimed, shocked and amused at his crude words. "Don't talk about your… willy."
He laughed. "Don't call it that!"
"Stop talking about it then."
He kissed her neck and mumbled, "I think you want it as much as I do. You're just trying to follow some sort of rules."
She sighed pleasurably, but said, "I guess we'll never know."
"Never?"
"Shut it and go to sleep."
He put his arms around her again and she unwillingly smiled.
"I'm debating going into the bathroom and having a wank, if you're not going to do it. I have needs Pansy!"
She propped herself up on her elbows, suddenly enthusiastic, and said, "Do it then."
"What, go have a wank in the loo?"
"No… here."
"Here?"
"Yeah."
"You want me to have a wank here? Right next to you in bed?"
"Why not?"
He studied her sceptically. "No, you're taking the piss."
"I'm not!" she laughed. "You said it yourself – you have needs."
"Doesn't it gross you out?"
"No," she laughed. "I think it's sexy."
He raised his eyebrows and began smirking. "You do?"
She grinned. "Go on then."
"You serious?"
"Yes!" she said impatiently.
He scoffed but grabbed his already hard dick out of his boxers and began tugging. Pansy raised her eyebrows, slightly surprised. She had felt it rub against her fully clothed, but it was the first time she saw it and she couldn't help but to think she liked the look of it. She looked at what he was doing, smiling slightly. Then she leant over to give him a kiss. It felt like the right thing to do. He picked up speed, and she took that as a sign he wanted her to keep kissing him so she did.
Their kisses grew sloppier, his pace grew quicker and it didn't take him long until he groaned, "Gonna come."
By that point, she was turned on. "Do you wanna do it in my mouth?"
Shocked, he opened his eyes to stare at her, instantly sighing, "Yes...!"
As soon as she'd moved her mouth down there, she could feel the warm sticky substance shooting into her mouth and could hear Draco groaning in pleasure. It didn't taste amazing exactly, but she swallowed it down quickly and felt some smug pleasure in doing something so naughty.
When she emerged, he was staring at her in disbelief and awe. She sent him a teasing smile.
"Did you like that?"
"Yes," he exhaled deeply. "I can't believe you did that. That was… Fuck, Pansy."
She laughed.
"Full of surprises, aren't you," he said. He put his dick back in his boxers, and went to hold her again. "Where did that even come from?"
"Read about it in Witch Weekly. And the girls talk, you know."
"About what?"
"Daphne did it to Montague last year."
"Oh really?" He briefly wondered who else in Slytherin had gotten this far with someone of the opposite sex. He wondered if Potter had, or if he'd again bested Potter. That was important.
"Yeah, she told us about how she sucked him off."
He grinned. "And you thought you wanted to try it for yourself?"
"One day."
"I'll take that."
"They also did other stuff," she mumbled.
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"I'll tell you another time," she said. "Let's go to bed."
He knew he shouldn't push his luck any further, and to be fair, he was getting tired. He could finally go to bed mildly satisfied after months of buildup. He kissed the top of her head as a thank you.
After the Weasley twins' dramatic departure from school and leaving a swamp after them, the Squad had been busier than ever that week trying to clean up the literal and figurative messes, resulting in no alone time with Pansy at all. On top of that they were preparing for the exams and had both done careers advice with Snape, which was an experience in itself.
"I've barely seen you this week."
"Yes you have, with the Squad."
"But not alone."
Pansy smirked. "We're alone now."
"Finally," he smirked.
They were lying on his bed, facing each other. She traced his jawline with her finger. He stroked her arm casually. It felt as if they were daring the other to take the next step. Her hand moved from his jaw to the back of his neck and into his hair. Playing with it, scratching his scalp. It felt good and he shivered. He looked straight into her eyes.
His hand moved from her arm to her hip, then her waist, then her ribcage. He could feel the outline of her bra. When she didn't stop him or seemed uncomfortable, he moved his hand up her shirt and over her breast covered by a bra.
She wriggled a little but only to give him freer access. He smirked. He was actually touching her breast and she was letting him.
She smiled at him cheekily like they were doing something forbidden. He tentatively moved in closer, reading her body language every step of the way. She tilted her head up and he took it as a sign of permission, so he leant in and kissed her, still fumbling with her breast. Her hand was still playing with his hair.
He moved his hand to her leg and was stroking it, up to her hip and bum. Her skin was soft and warm. When she still didn't move away, he moved his hand in between her thighs and just stroked her outside her pyjamas. He could feel her knickers underneath, it was warm there and very inviting. He could feel her smiling slightly against his lips and he took this as a sign she didn't want him to stop. His heart was racing. This felt amazing, magical. He knew she could feel his erection but it didn't seem to put her off. He moved his hand to her stomach under her shirt and stroked the soft skin there, he could feel her belly button. Then he inched towards her pyjama bottoms slowly. But when she didn't stop him and just kept kissing him, he slipped his hand inside.
It was better than he'd expected. It was so warm and soft there, and already a bit sticky.
He could feel his dick jerking, as if eager. Slipping his hand down there, Pansy's breath became shallower and she was repositioning herself to give him better access. She liked it, he realised, and it boosted his confidence. He wondered if this had been what she meant about things she'd wanted to try. He couldn't believe his hand was down her knickers for the first time. He wasn't sure exactly what to do with his fingers but he just moved them around, which seemed to create positive responses from her. When she let out a small moan, he wanted to shag her brains out. He'd tried to pace himself but it was getting harder by the minute. She certainly felt ready for it because his fingers were getting more and more sticky.
Pansy broke the kiss purely to get some air, he knew because he felt the same way. Seizing his opportunity, he started kissing her neck instead. She sighed pleasurably into his ear and it sent another jolt through his body. He couldn't believe he was making her feel this way.
He just kept moving his fingers around down there while sloppily kissing her neck. Her breathing was getting more rapid, he could feel her chest rising and falling more now, and she moaned again
When he started picking up his pace, she moaned again. And again. It was addictive, he wanted to keep hearing that noise in his ear.
His fingers were moving faster, rubbing her, and his hand was beginning to ache, but the sounds she was making made him not want to stop.
Finally her body convulsed, as she grabbed the back of his neck hard and let out a groan of pleasure. Her small body spasmed underneath his multiple times
Shocked, he looked up at her face and saw that her face was screwed up, her eyes closed. Did she just….?
She let out a final pleasurable sigh, her body relaxed, and then she moved her hand down to tap his arm. He stopped his movements. Was she finished?
She opened her eyes and grinned at him.
"Did you…?"
"Yeah."
He grinned. "No way." Had he actually done that? This was the best ego boost he'd ever had.
She giggled at his response.
He leant in to kiss her passionately. He knew he'd relive this in his head many times.
His own dick was still achingly hard and throbbing, and suddenly her hand crept closer, and into his boxers.
"Do you want this?" she asked breathlessly.
"Yess," he groaned. Her hand on him felt better than heaven. She smirked and gripped it. She gave it a few tugs before settling onto a steady pace. He couldn't believe she was wanking him off. She kept kissing him and stroking him and he felt like he wanted to explode. The sooner he thought it, the sooner he felt his dick and back jerk and he shot his load into her hand.
"Pans…" he groaned into her ear as he came. She giggled again as if she was doing something naughty. Her grip on him loosened and she removed her hand and wiped it on his sheet.
She gave him a sloppy kiss.
"Fuck that felt good," he murmured, grinning. She smirked and gave him a sloppy kiss. "I still want to shag your brains out though."
She laughed. "One thing at a time. Next time you can taste me."
His eyes widened and he felt his dick twitching again.
The next night he had dinner at 4.30pm just to get to evening time faster. He rushed through all his homework in about half an hour and then went to Pansy's dorm and knocked profusely.
"Someone's a keen bean," said Daphne as she opened the door to the girls' dormitory to let him in. He would've hoped none of the girls would have been there. Luckily it was just Daphne and Pansy. Pansy was sat on her bed, wearing only her shirt, skirt and knee socks, reading an issue of Witch Weekly, which she lowered when she saw him.
"Greengrass, Montague is looking for you in the common room," he lied, without taking his eyes off Pansy.
"Cheers," she said, and threw at Pansy, "love you lots," before she sauntered out.
"Hi, Drake," said Pansy and smiled teasingly at him. He smirked back and walked straight up to her bed, grabbed her jaw and gave her a kiss. "Missed you when I was in Divination. How was Ancient Runes?"
"Boring as usual," he replied, and joined her on the bed as he threw off his robes and started unbuttoning his shirt.
"What are you doing?" she laughed loudly, and threw her magazine away. He got on top of her and started kissing her while getting his shirt off.
"Been thinking about this all day," he muttered in between kisses.
She rolled her eyes, but laughed. "Oh my goodness, you're insatiable."
"What did you expect, I'm a sixteen-year-old bloke." He threw off his own shirt and began working on her shirt buttons roughly instead.
"Blimey, be careful," she giggled, "You're going to rip it."
"Then take it off," he ordered.
"I have homework to do!" she amusedly protested.
"You can do it later," he said, while kissing her neck, his hands moving all over her.
"Someone could walk in at any second. At least close the bloody drapes and do a Silencing Charm."
He sniggered while scrambling for his wand inside his pocket, pulled it out and impatiently waved his wand twice. The curtains pulled themselves shut leaving them in semi-darkness. "All done," he muttered. "Any more excuses?"
"No," she laughed, as he threw his wand down and attacked her with kisses again. She helped him remove her shirt, and then her skirt. Her hands fumbled with his belt, and he got it off quicker. He kicked out of his trousers quickly and threw them away. He grabbed her legs and tore off her knee socks. Then he moved over her again to kiss her.
"Remember what you said yesterday?" he asked pointedly. She laughed loudly again.
"As promised," she mumbled, and wiggled out of her knickers underneath him. He grinned widely.
"Go on then," she encouraged, amused at his gobsmacked look. He didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed her thighs and positioned himself quickly between her legs and looked straight at it for second before diving in. She let out a moan of surprise as he started licking her quickly.
"Oh my God, Draco, could've warned me," she breathed in a mixture of reprimanding and pleasure, as she removed her bra.
He snorted smugly as he kept going.
"Does it taste all right," she asked, as she got comfortable on her back.
"Yeah," he muttered, he'd been hard since he entered her dorm, but now his dick was positively throbbing in anticipation. He was making circles with his tongue, going up and down, mixing in some kisses as well.
He went down on her for ten minutes and by the time he was done she'd stopped laughing a long time ago, and was moaning, clutching at his hair and breathing rapidly.
"Come here," she said finally, and pulled him towards her, and started kissing him again. He removed his boxers while kissing her. She grabbed his dick and gave it a few tugs. He grabbed her hips and positioned himself where he knew he needed to be. She put a hand on his chest to stop him.
"Wait," she said quickly, "the Spell."
"Right," he said, and looked around for his wand. It was lying on the Witch Weekly next to them. He grabbed it, and paused.
"Do you know how to do it?" she mumbled, while kissing his neck.
"Yes," he said dismissively, although he had no clue.
"I can do it," she mumbled.
"No, it's fine, I'll do it," he insisted. "What's the spell again?"
"Contraceptus. And point at me."
He pointed his wand towards her lower abdomen, and muttered, "Contraceptus." He then glanced up at her, questioningly.
"Did you feel anything?"
"No, but I don't think you're meant to."
"So it's done? It's ready?"
"I assume so."
"If not you can just take a Potion tomorrow can't you?"
"Yeah," she said quickly, and then met his eyes. She gave a small, nervous smile.
"What?" he asked, thrown off for a second.
"Nothing," she said. "I'm ready."
"Yeah?" he breathed. "You sure?"
"Yeah," she breathed into his mouth. He kissed her softly, as he grabbed his dick and guided it towards her. She spread her legs to give him access. He touched his tip against her wet, sensitive skin, where his mouth had been moments earlier. He moved his dick around slightly, trying to find the entrance. She placed her hand on his dick too, and moved her hips so that he found what he was looking for. He held in a breath as he pushed in slowly.
It was warm, wet, soft, tight. He slid in fully, all the way to his root and stayed there for a second. It felt like time stopped for a moment. Pansy moved slightly, adjusting, as her arms went around his neck. She suddenly felt so small and vulnerable beneath him. He was inside her. She was wet and aroused but it was still very tight. He slowly pulled out, and instantly wanted to get back inside.
He had to fight the urge to pump into her quickly. He let out a shaky breath as he started moving slowly in and out, struggling to control his movements. Pansy sighed. He kissed her softly.
"Does it feel good?"
"Mhm," she mumbled, and reciprocated his kisses.
He kept going slowly for a while until she moaned in his ear. It made him want to slam into her but she seemed to like his slow pace. Her hands were around his neck and he could see her looking down at where their bodies met. As they kept going she was moaning more and more. He was afraid he wouldn't last very long, because the more she seemed to enjoy it, the harder it got for him to stop his orgasm.
He picked up his pace slowly and steadily until it was fast. Their hands were all over each other and their kisses sloppy.
"Draco, don't stop," she gasped and wrapped her legs around his waist but then he could feel his orgasm coming just for the fact that she was enjoying it so much.
He groaned out loud as his back jerked and he came inside her. Then he collapsed on top of her and breathed heavily. She was breathing heavily too, and stroked his back, and then ran her hands through his hair. He sighed deeply.
He felt the urge to thank her, for finally letting him sleep with her, but he knew he shouldn't say it out loud. He gave her a sweaty kiss instead.
"What about me?" she said playfully.
He hadn't even thought about that, but now it seemed so obvious that girls needed to finish too.
"What do you want me to do?" he grinned.
She thought for a second. Then she said, "What you did the other day."
He smirked. "As you wish."
"And kiss me while you're doing it."
He rubbed her again, the same way he'd done the night before. He was still as amazed as he'd been the first time. After she came she gave him a final kiss and then got up to grab her dressing gown and her knickers. He made sure to admire her naked body as she got dressed. Her face was flushed, but she looked pleased.
"I should go to the loo."
"Really?"
"Yes, girls are meant to, you know, after."
"How do you know that?"
"I read it in Witch Weekly."
"Come back here," he said when she reemerged from the adjoining bathroom, and she lay down with her head on his chest. He was still naked and felt blissful. Her hair was messy from their tumbling around. He kissed the top of her head and she sighed in a very relaxed way.
"I want to do it again," he laughed.
"We will," she smiled, "but not now. I'm sore."
"Really?"
She looked down onto his now soft penis. "Look how small it's gone!"
He laughed and covered himself up. "Shut your mouth."
"I just didn't know it was so different when it's not... ready."
Before he could defend himself, she gasped, "Oh my goodness!"
"What?" He looked at her in surprise.
"I think… it just came back out."
He laughed, kind of smug.
She was silent for a while, and he wondered if she was nearing sleep even though it was barely dinner time, breathing deeply with her head still nestled on his chest. He couldn't stop smiling as he let it sink in what they'd done. She didn't seem like they'd done anything monumental, not like it felt in his head.
Then he asked what he had been thinking about since they had finished. "Did you enjoy it then?"
She turned her head to look up at him in the darkness, and smirked. "Yes. Did you?"
"Are you joking? It's my favourite thing I've ever done."
She laughed. "You're such a boy."
"And you took the Potion right? The spell only works with the Potion right?"
"Yes, Draco although well done for remembering that after."
"I was preoccupied," he smirked. She snuggled in closer and put her arm around his chest. "Anyway, I reckon I deserve a hundred points to Slytherin for my patience."
Pansy just laughed at him. "You do, do you?"
"Yes, you kept me on my toes long enough."
"You'll have to let Snape know, then."
"Yeah," yawned Draco, "I'll tell him in the morning."
"You looked like you caught the Snitch when you made me come," she giggled. "Or like you'd just won the House Cup."
He smirked. "You're always complaining so pleasing you is an achievement."
She laughed. "Are you happy we did it?" she then asked.
"Very," he smirked.
"Did you think about it a lot before?"
"All the time." This was no exaggeration. "I wanted to for so long,"
"I could tell," she smirked. Then she got a playful look in her eye. "Did you ever… you know..."
"What?"
"Like... do it to yourself and think about me?"
He laughed. "Of course I did."
"Really?"
"Is that so surprising?"
"More than once?"
He grinned. "Oh yeah"
She looked smug at this.
"What about you?" he suddenly asked. "Did you ever…?"
"Draco!" She laughed and slapped his chest.
"You did, didn't you?" he said, surprised and impressed.
"Maybe," she sent him a teasing smile. "Don't get too cocky now."
His ego had just inflated massively.
"You sure you took the Potion?"
She hit his arm.
Draco walked to breakfast in the Great Hall flanked by Crabbe and Goyle as usual. He wondered if people could tell. If he walked differently. He smiled at Pansy who was sat with her girlfriends, an untouched bowl of cereal in front of her. The girls looked extra giggly this morning. He raised an eyebrow at Tracey Davis who reluctantly moved away.
"Morning," he said as he slid into the seat next to Pansy and kissed her cheek.
"Morning," she said smugly.
"I still have your knickers," he whispered into her ear slyly.
"I still have your virginity, you wanker," she scoffed, immediately defensive.
"I didn't mean it like that, you prat," he laughed. "I'll give them to you later."
"How was it then?" said Crabbe. Draco was on the Transfiguration courtyard, the Slytherin boys gathered around him on the cobblestones. Even the rain couldn't bring his mood down today.
"It was good, boys," he said with a huge smirk. "It really is all it's cracked up to be."
"Brilliant."
"I'm going to save the memory of shagging her and watch it back in Dumbledore's Pensieve,"
"Can we watch it too," jeered Crabbe. Blaise and Theodore laughed loudly.
"No, for fuck's sake! Don't be disgusting."
The girls, instead, had chosen to gather at the top of the Astronomy Tower for privacy.
"So tell us then," encouraged Daphne. "How was it?"
Pansy smiled smugly. "It was good." She looked around as they were still looking at her expecting her to elaborate. She laughed. "I don't know what to say. I enjoyed it."
"Didn't it hurt?" asked Queenie.
"No, I guess I was… ready," she replied.
"It didn't hurt for me either," said Daphne. "It doesn't if you want it enough. And you've practiced on your own."
The girls all giggled.
"Oh, come on," said Tracey. "Losing your virginity is just something we all have to go through. like the sorting ceremony first year or getting dragon pox as a child."
the others frowned sceptically.
"No, it can be enjoyable," said Daphne.
Pansy nodded vigorously. "I have no complaints," she smirked.
"I'd be worried he'd lose interest," said Queenie. "Now that you've given him what he wants."
"It's what Montague did," Daphne shrugged.
"You dodged a Bludger there, to be fair," quipped Tracey.
Pansy laughed. "I think it's the opposite. He'll want more where that came from. He wants to breed like gnomes. It'll be hard to keep him at bay."
The girls all laughed.
She wasn't wrong. He wanted to do it in his bed, in her bed, in the Prefects' bathroom, in Myrtle's bathroom, even in a broom cupboard and Snape's potions cupboard. He wanted to do it the normal way, from the side, from the back, with her on top. She was sure he wouldn't tire anytime soon. She'd awakened the beast.
"Miss Parkinson, Mr Malfoy," said McGonagall sternly when they showed up late to Transfiguration the next day. "Please explain yourselves as to why you're fifteen minutes late to my lesson."
Pansy came up with some lame excuse, while Draco smirked. Blaise and Theodore met his face expression with equal smirks.
"We know why they're late..." said Blaise quietly when Pansy and Draco joined the Slytherin table and the Professor's attention wasn't on them anymore.
"Undoubtedly you're late because of that mark on Parkinson's neck," sniggered Theodore.
"Shut up Nott," Draco said, but he was smirking even more now. Pansy hit Theodore on the arm.
September 1998
The ivory London townhouse towered in front of her in the darkness as she appeared on the pavement of the rainy Chelsea street. She could almost smell the Thames. Muggle cars were lining the residential road and most of the terraced houses were in darkness, with the few light sources hidden behind curtains. She stepped past the black iron railings and white pillars, up the couple of steps, and knocked the silver snake knocker before she had time to change her mind. Her tears had dried on her face now but just as the door opened she thought she must look a state, as her makeup had probably been running.
"Pansy?" Blaise's haughty face screwed up in surprise.
"Please can I come in?"
He looked taken aback but hastily stepped aside and let her in. The foyer was small, nothing like at the Malfoys', she bizarrely thought, but the house still spoke of generational wealth.
"What are you doing here?"
"Draco and I had a fight," she said, still out of breath, as he led her through to the lounge. A fire was burning in the grand hearth. The room was lined with dark bookshelves, and an issue of the Evening Prophet was sprawled over the mauve velvet sofa, indicating that he'd been reading when she interrupted his evening. Persian rugs, large portraits, and chandeliers. The style was similar to her own home and the Malfoys' too, but more cultured, less old school British. More maps than dead animals.
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Blaise slowly, gazing at her as if he was expecting her to explain more.
"I didn't know what to do or where to go," she said hastily, running her hands over her face and through her hair.
"Do you want to sit down for a moment?"
"Yes," she breathed, and slumped down into the sofa, feeling queasy and unsteady.
"Do you want a drink?" he asked carefully.
"Yes," she repeated almost too quickly. And she'd just reprimanded Draco for drinking more than he needed. What was she doing? She buried her face in her arms.
She felt the sofa sink as he joined her. She looked up to see him holding out a crystal glass of some dark liquid to her. When she took it, it was heavier than expected. He clinked his glass to hers but didn't say anything. She swallowed it down thirstily, and her suspicion that it was Firewhiskey was confirmed as it burned going down her throat. He took the empty glass for her and went to the large golden drinks trolley to refill it without a word. She wanted to numb herself. Make herself forget about the anxiety that was burning through her insides.
He was still studying her quizzingly when he handed her the fresh glass.
"You can't just show up here in the middle of the night, drink all my booze and not tell me anything that's happened."
He was smiling crookedly, but she knew there was some truth in what he was saying.
"Draco said the most horrible things to me," she said quickly, "I don't even want to repeat what he said because it was so bad, Blaise. I didn't know what to do," she repeated painfully. "I didn't… I just knew I couldn't stay there… I just had to get out of there, and I didn't know where to go, I couldn't go home, I didn't want to face my parents and let them know we'd argued, and I didn't want to go to my friends because they would just judge me, and I just Disapparated and just sort of ended up here…"
"It's okay," he said softly. "Breathe." He took the glass out of her hand because it was shaking, and put it down on the side table. She closed her eyes and did as she was told. She breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly.
"I'm sorry I showed up here, you must think I'm mad," she whispered when she opened her eyes again.
He smiled. "A bit. But it's perfectly ok. I was awake. I couldn't sleep in fact. I was just reading the Prophet to try and make myself sleepy."
"And you've got that thing really early in the morning!"
"That's ok, I've survived without much sleep before. Remember when we were revising for those bloody OWLs?"
It produced a snort from Pansy, despite herself. It felt like a lifetime ago that they'd all stayed up late studying for fifth year exams. Just before Draco's father had been sent to Azkaban. Just before everything had started to go badly. How had they ended up here?
She didn't answer, but downed her second glass. The way it burned counteracted the way the anxiety was burning. It was pain she could control. When she felt Blaise's warm hand on her shoulder, and the alcohol warming up her insides, she took another deep breath and felt the panic decreasing.
"I don't know what you're going through," he said quietly, "But you're safe here."
"I shouldn't even be here though," she mumbled. "It's wrong. This is the whole reason Draco was upset in the first place and now I'm proving him right."
Blaise paused, studying her again. "What do you mean?"
She swallowed, embarrassed to admit this. "He was jealous tonight. Said I was chatting to you too much at the party."
Blaise raised his eyebrows. "That's what you argued about?"
Pansy drew a hand through her hair and looked away. "Among other things. It got really out of hand. We've not been having the best time lately, I don't know why, I feel like it's all my fault."
"What do you mean?"
Suddenly, she felt the thick, heavy necklace Narcissa had given her earlier, it was still clinging to her neck and her hands flew to it. She had to take it off right this second, it was choking her. "Please get this off me," she said, suddenly loudly, as she clawed at the necklace trying to find the clasp.
"Wait, let me do it," he said and removed her hands.
"Just get it off me."
Blaise carefully lifted the clasp and removed the beautiful expensive old necklace and held it out to her.
"Just put it on the table."
"I don't know what the fuck is going on, but you don't have to marry Draco if you don't want to."
"Of course I do," she groaned. "We're engaged. We've been together for ages. Our parents love us together."
"I mean…" he said slowly, looking at her. "I'm not going to convince you either way, but you don't have to do something just because your parents want you to. Or because you think you should. You're allowed to make your own decisions, it's your life."
"It's… not that easy."
"I get that."
"It's like… all this pressure," she said. "I don't know where it's come from. It didn't used to feel this way. I used to be obsessed with him."
"I know," sneered Blaise. "We all know. You made it your business to tell us any chance you had."
"Piss off."
"One more?"
"Go on then," she said, rolling her eyes. The damage was already done, and what did it matter if she had two drinks with Blaise Zabini or three. Or five.
"Thank you," she said as she took her third drink from him. He sipped his own and studied her.
"Are you not…" he said slowly, "'obsessed' with him anymore then?"
She frowned. "I… I don't know. Maybe I'm not."
It was the first time she'd said it out loud, and it was daunting, yet freeing.
Blaise just met her gaze without saying anything, willing her to keep talking.
"But…" she said, struggling to find the words. "Are you meant to be? Obsessed, I mean. Surely... love… fades, after a while, doesn't it? I mean, I've been with him for years. Obviously it's not going to feel like it did at the start. That can't last forever, can it?"
Blaise shrugged. "I don't know. I've never had a long term relationship."
"I can't believe I'm telling you all this. Draco would kill me if he knew…"
"You're allowed your feelings," Blaise interrupted.
"But I shouldn't have these feelings," she insisted. "He's my fiancée. I should be over the moon."
"Maybe if you're not, then that's your sign."
"I never wanted it to be like this."
"It's nobody's fault."
"It is, it's my fault."
"Why are you so hard on yourself? You never used to be like this at school. If anything, you were just hard on other people."
"Is this what growing up means?"
They both laughed, her bitterly.
She suddenly noticed that thunder and lightning were fighting over the sky outside the tall windows. Her breath felt steadier now and the panic had subsided, the alcohol and the burning flames in the fireplace, and Blaise's deep voice were all soothing her, but not in a way that it made her sleepy, just in a way that she felt clearer.
She looked at his arm as he reached over again to pick up his glass from the table. Where did those muscles come from? He didn't exercise, unless you counted Wizard's chess and one night stands with witches he found in Diagon Alley's establishments. Must be one of those things that was passed down family lines along with stocks and shares, House Elves, the wine cellar and whatever else he inherited from his mother and multiple stepdads.
"Thank you for being a good friend," she said quietly.
"That's all right."
"I just didn't know where else to go. I just wanted to come here… To see you."
He met her eyes. "I'm glad you came. Lucky my mother is out."
"I was going to ask that," she grinned. "Where is she anyway?"
"Away for the weekend with her new husband." Blaise rolled his eyes. "At least you're only on your first fiancée, not your seventh husband. Could be worse."
Pansy snorted. "Could always be worse."
By the time they were on their fifth drink, she had pushed her anxiety away. She was aware it would hit her in the morning but for now she felt more relaxed than she had in a while, letting herself enjoying listening to Blaise's stories and jokes, finding herself almost reminded of when Draco had been courting her.
After their sixth drink, the Firewhiskey bottle was now on the table next to them so he didn't have to keep getting up to refill their glasses, and their conversation had turned into more and more giggles and they had moved closer on the sofa. She suddenly realised how handsome he was, or maybe she'd always known that but now that his face was so close it was painfully obvious. His skin looked so smooth; she wondered what it felt like.
Blaise cleared his throat. "I think we're all out of Floo powder."
Pansy paused. Her heart was beating quickly. Her insides were warm and fuzzy. It felt good. "I guess I have to stay the night then."
"I guess so. We have multiple guest bedrooms."
Their eyes met. At that second, she knew that they both knew that she would not sleep in any guest bedroom.
He cleared his throat and put down his glass on the table. She didn't stop looking at him.
When he turned back to her, he was smiling slightly. She was so close she could smell him.
"You know," he said. "I used to have a crush on you at Hogwarts."
Her eyes snapped wide open from their drowsy, relaxed, half-closed state.
"Really?" she said, swallowing thickly. "How come I never knew?"
Blaise scoffed. "You were Draco's. He would have ordered Crabbe and Goyle to kill me. Or you would have laughed with all the girls. Not sure what would've been worse."
"I'm still Draco's, technically."
She regretted it as soon as she said it out loud. She wasn't anyone's property. She didn't belong to anyone but herself. This isn't the 1800's, she reminded herself.
"I know."
She glanced at his lips. "When was this then?"
"I'm not sure," he said, meeting her eyes. "Somewhere around the time we all realised you were girls."
Pansy scoffed.
"But you were always Malfoy's bird, so."
"You could've told me."
"What, you would've chosen me over him? Come on."
"I suppose I wouldn't have," she said earnestly. "I didn't have eyes for anyone else."
"Exactly. 'King and Queen of Slytherin'," he rolled his eyes. She hit his arm.
"Stop reminding me."
"You made it quite clear you were happy to be his counterpart in all senses of the word."
"I really was."
"Anyway, it's too late now. You're Malfoy's bird."
"Will you stop saying that? I'm not. I don't belong to anyone."
"The ring on your finger says otherwise."
"I'm so sick of this notion that girls just belong to men. As if I live to be someone's wife. I'm my own person."
"I know that, trust me." He grinned. "Not a day went by in Hogwarts without hearing your opinion on things."
"I just think… anything boys can do, so can us girls."
"I agree."
"I'm so sick of the whole idea that girls shouldn't do that, and girls shouldn't do this. How about we do whatever the hell we want?"
"I'm all for it."
"Parents, teachers, societal rules. I'm sick of it." She rolled her eyes and sipped her drink again. The Firewhiskey wasn't burning now, it went down very easily, and everything felt soft and good. Carefree. "How am I supposed to know who I am and who I want to spend the rest of my life with anyway? I'm only eighteen!" In her passion, she spilled some Firewhiskey on the sofa.
Blaise laughed.
"Sorry!" she said and hastened to grip her glass steadier.
"'S all right. Scourgify," Blaise mumbled, and he was slurring his words a little too. "To freedom," he said, and clinked his glass to hers. They both downed them. She had lost count now on what number drink they were on.
"So you got over your crush then?" she asked.
"I guess," he grinned.
"Why?"
He snorted. "What do you mean why?"
"Am I not fanciable?" She pouted slightly.
"Not when you do that."
She hit his arm.
"I, er…" he said, "Didn't think it was an option. So I forgot about it. Went out with other girls."
She smiled. "I know. Lots."
Momentarily, she thought, he must have been with so many girls. Or at least kissed a lot of girls. Draco had only kissed her and Melinda Bletchley as far as she was concerned. She wondered what it would be like to kiss someone like Blaise who was so experienced.
"A normal amount," he scoffed. "I'm young and single. Need to enjoy my life."
"See, I'll never have that." She was playing with his shirt collar now.
"The grass isn't always greener."
"It's weird to think I'll never kiss anyone else if I marry Draco."
Blaise laughed.
"Never have sex with anyone else. One person for my whole life," she went on.
"That is a little scary," he agreed.
"Terrifying," she mumbled. Their eyes met again.
He licked his lips, and she glanced at them.
"Do you want another?" he said quietly. She could feel the heat of his breath.
She nodded. He poured them both another couple inches, emptying the bottle. They both finished their drinks slowly, and when he'd put both his and her glass back on the table, their faces turned back to each other. Now with no obstacles, it was inevitable. Too drunk to think about the repercussions of these actions - they moved closer simultaneously and their lips met. First tentatively, tasting the alcohol on his soft lips, breathing into each other's mouths. Then urgently, faster. This wasn't the loving kisses Draco gave her, this was snogging with strong passion and a deep urge for selfish satisfaction. His hands all over her, her hands all over him.
She had no clue how long it went on for, her mind was perfectly blurry and everything just felt so good. They moved together; she lay back as he climbed on top of her. Her insides were on fire again, but in a completely different way now. Waves of arousal shot through her as he unbuttoned his shirt, all the while still kissing her.
It was strange because she'd not felt this desirable in a while, nor this full of appetite. Not in years. Not since her and Draco first discovered sex. She didn't know where it came from, or why she felt this way. Draco gave her everything she wanted, why couldn't she be grateful? She pushed the guilt away as the lust took over.
She just couldn't stop herself. If it was wrong, why did it feel right? Why was her heart pounding out of her chest, and her clit throbbing more than it had in years?
He undressed her slowly while kissing her and she urgently removed his clothing too. When they were both naked, he grabbed her legs and threw them over his shoulders. Oh my goodness, she thought. Blaise Zabini is going down on me. What the hell is going on?
It was wrong, she knew, but it felt so good. She clutched at his hair and moaned loudly. What was he doing with his tongue? It was too late to stop now, she needed to keep going now, there was no way she could stop. Fuck everything else.
When he emerged, she grabbed him and guided him towards her. He was big. Bigger than Draco. It felt so good in her hand, she just needed it inside her now. She wrapped her legs around his waist and started kissing him again. He grabbed himself and found the right spot. Before they could change their minds, he pushed in. She moaned loudly and heard him grunt in her ear.
It was too late now so they might as well keep going. She couldn't help but to think how different it was from the juvenile fumbling hands of Draco and his quick paced humping. With Blaise it was different. This was sex with a real man. The way he touched her, the way he moved his body, slowly, intentionally, passionately. The way he looked at her, worshipped her body. She couldn't stop.
She woke up slowly and then all at once, instantly hit by how dry her mouth was, and how much her head was pounding. It took a moment before she realised she was in Blaise Zabini's bed. They must've made their way up the stairs at some point after the first act. She was still naked but covered by a duvet. Without opening her eyes she could hear his slow, steady breathing. Still asleep. She swallowed and licked her lips just to moisten them. She opened her eyes. The room was still in semi darkness, and she thought dawn was approaching. They couldn't have had more than a couple hours sleep. Indeed, Blaise was sleeping next to her, naked too, or perhaps he was wearing boxers under the duvet, she wasn't sure. She reached out for the glass of water on the nightstand and gulped it down desperately.
She could hardly believe they'd had sex. Anxiety, regret, guilt and the urge to do it again wrestled in her mind. Her pulse picked up speed again and she was already feeling the arousal stirring between her legs again thinking about how Blaise had fucked her only a few hours ago.
She often got the impression that for Draco sex was purely about his own pleasure, and a stress relief more than anything else. Keeping her satisfied had moved down the list of his priorities the more their relationship had progressed.
Draco always shagged like he was in a hurry. This was something different, she thought. Then instantly she felt extremely guilty, and the urge to vomit came over her. How disloyal she was. What a terrible person she was. As the events of the previous night came back to her more and more, she felt like crying.
Despite the wetness between her legs, there was also an intense urge to get out of there. To forget all about this. To undo this.
How had she done this? To Draco whom she loved so much, always had. Wit him it had started out with an innocent series of kisses in the Slytherin dungeon, how had it ended up like this? She loved him so much, always had.
But she was coming to the insight that perhaps she wasn't infatuated with him anymore. She had been so deeply, intensely enamoured with him for so long that she didn't even know when it had stopped. Then, somewhere along the way, as quickly as one goes from drunk to hungover, she'd sobered up, fallen out of love.
It didn't even happen slowly, creeping up on her during a long period of time – no, it happened all at once. But she ignored it, and instead, she had now cheated on Draco. The guilt of it was eating her up now, and it made her feel sick to her stomach. She had never thought she would do something like this. Just the other day she had vowed to not be so rude to him, but then she was again a few days later. Now she'd committed the cardinal sin. The ultimate betrayal. She'd never been able to keep promises when drunk, after all, least of all to herself.
She got dressed quietly and cast one last look at Blaise before tiptoeing out of the room. When she descended the stairs into the lounge, she saw their glasses and empty bottle of Firewhiskey still stood on the table, evidence of last night's sins. Moving her body down the stairs had made her feel motion sick, and the water she'd just downed in Blaise's bedroom was threatening to come back up. Dizzily she walked over to the fireplace, probably still drunk.
On the mantelpiece there was a box of Floo powder. She hastily picked up a fistful, and then she remembered.
So, he did have Floo powder after all.